Perfect Match
by Beutelmaus
Summary: His life had always been perfect, or at least so Roxas had liked to think. But overcoming his own fears for someone else isn’t as easy as it seems. AkuRoku main, Soriku and Zemyx side pairings, mentioning of Cleon. Boylove. You have been warned.
1. Prologue

**Summary:** His life had always been perfect, or at least so Roxas had liked to think. But overcoming his own fears for someone else isn't as easy as it seems. When both his own and his lover's past threatens their unstable relationship, Roxas has to face the truth: His life was far from perfect. But at least it was better than Axel's.

**Warnings:** The main pairing, and every other pairing that is mentioned is between two guys. Yes, they are gay. Duh. Really, if that offends you, you shouldn't be reading this. You see that funny button with this cute arrow pointing to the left and saying 'back'? That's your best friend if you don't like boys kissing other boys 'n stuff...

You're still here? Brave! Ok. In this chapter: Nothing but bad grammar, horrible abuse of the english language.

**Pairings:** AkuRoku main, RikuxSora, ZexionxDemyx side pairings. Possible LeonxCloud later on. Much, much later though.

**Disclaimer:** Duh! No! Kingdom Hearts does **not **belong to me, but to Squareenix and Disney. I don't even own the _games_. My brother does. I don't even have a _playstation_. My other brother has got one. Pretty pathetic, huh?

Yeah, I'll go and cry now...

And you! Read! Eh. If you like. Please.

* * *

**Perfect Match - Prologue**

_Perfect._

One simple word seemed to describe his life exactly.

Perfect.

And seen from the outside, it was.

His parents were rich. He lived in this huge mansion in the better part of Destiny Islands, with only his twin brother for company. Their parents were never at home. They had to work to provide their boys the best life they could possibly live, after all. And work meant business trips. A lot of them. To very far-away places. All the time. They only stopped by every two or three months. If Roxas and his brother were lucky.

But that didn't bother him at all. He even... kind of liked it. He and his brother loved each other dearly, and they always had fun together. They had never needed someone else, even when they had been kids.

When they had been younger, around six years old, their parents had started to leave them alone for a few days in a row, sometimes even weeks, with an envelope filled with money, but without someone to look after them. It had been weird at first, frightening even, but the two boys had always done pretty well, even without an adult around.

They had learned how to cook simple meals all by themselves, they had eventually figured out how to do their laundry, they had kept the house clean and had been happy when their parents would eventually come home and praise them, tell them they were good boys and how they were glad they were so strong and mature, and even would kiss them goodbye before departing again.

Sometimes he would wonder why his parents didn't hire a nanny or a maid or something, because even back then he had known some of his friends had them to keep them company when their parents weren't at home. But he and his brother would always agree that they really didn't need a nanny or a maid or whatever, because they were good boys and they were already capable of handling stuff on their own. They were already six, after all.

And he could clearly remember this one day, when their grandparents had visited them, when they had found out about it.

He could still remember the shocked expression on his grandmother's face when they told her they had been alone for almost two weeks. They had been seven at that time, and the shopkeeper from the grocery store across the street had been already used to the sight of two adorable little boys struggling with a basket too big for the two of them, filled with food and sweets.

He could still remember the tears in his grandmother's eyes when she had tucked them in their little beds and had kissed them goodnight, and he could remember the grim face of his grandfather who had been watching them from the doorstep.

And he remembered yelling, so much yelling, when his parents finally had come home.

Why didn't they stay with them? Why did they leave them alone? How could they stand staying away for so long, knowing their little boys were all _alone_, _all by themselves_?

And their parents would yell back, how they were good boys and handled things very well, how their parents had to work very hard to give them all they ever wanted.

And they would hear their grandmother crying, and their grandfather shouting about how terrible it was for boys their age to have to handle everything by themselves. How the children didn't need to have all they ever wanted, but needed to have their parents to love and protect them. How parents were supposed to love their children, and how he didn't understand why their parents didn't love them.

Their father would shout back that he _did_ love them.

Their grandfather would yell that he wasn't able to see that.

Their mother would scream that it was none of their business.

Their grandfather would exclaim that it _was_ his business if they neglected his grandsons.

Their father would be furious and demand they get out.

Their grandmother would cry and insist they took the two little boys with them. She would cry about how dangerous it was, to leave two little boys all by themselves. What if one of them got hurt, or someone broke into the house, or one of the two of them got sick, or...

He remembered how he had cried, and how his brother had jumped out of his bed and had sat on his and had hugged him, crying himself but trying to be strong for his little brother, whispering soothing words and pulling the covers over them both so they wouldn't hear the angry voices downstairs anymore.

Their grandparents hadn't been allowed to see them after this ugly scene. Later they had learned their grandfather had tried to get them away from their parents, but their father, being a successful and well known lawyer, had won the lawsuit. Their grandparents hadn't been allowed to see them anymore since then.

They hadn't been allowed to go to their grandmother's funeral.

This time it had been _him_ who held his brother and tried to hold his own tears back as he whispered meaningless nothings in a soothing manner, trying to calm him down. They had been ten years old at that time. They hadn't really understood what was going on, they had only been told that their grandma had gone to heaven, where their other grandma and grandpa were, and that they hadn't been allowed to say goodbye.

It was then he had learned caring about someone just hurt. So he had stopped caring. He had stopped caring about his friends, about his parents. The only one he cared about anymore was his brother. Because he knew his brother was the only one who would never hurt him.

He had heard once, that not to like one's parents was a terrible thing. But people who claimed to know about something like this obviously had never met _his_ parents.

To the rest of the world his life was still perfect. To the rest of the world he and his brother were the luckiest children alive. To the rest of the world their parents acted like they cared about them, like they were responsible and loving parents, who _had_ to leave them alone although they never _wanted_ to leave.

And he was fine with that. He was fine with never seeing them. They could stay away forever and start new families somewhere else. He wouldn't care as long as they continued to send him and his brother money. He had stopped caring long time ago.

And he had to admit, his life was really good, if one didn't know about his fucked up family life.

He was popular, he had many friends, he had his brother, whom he loved dearly, he was rich, he never had problems in school.

His grades were top, straight 'A's and a few 'B's. He was the star pupil in his class, loved by his teachers, worshiped by his very own fanclub, adored by many, if not _all_ of his fellow students.

He was _adorable_, after all. And he knew it.

He _knew_ his baby blue eyes were gorgeous, he _knew_ his blond, spiky hair was perfect, he _knew_ his cute pout could make grown men cry. And he knew how to use his looks to his advantage.

Oh, yes, he _knew_.

He flirted, smiled, even pouted if necessary to achieve a goal, be it copying test answers from this girl next to him, be it getting a free meal in the cafeteria, be it his homework done by one of his admirers, be it a girl or boy to warm his bed at night.

He knew how to use people. It was maybe the only thing his parents had ever taught him in his life. That... and never to get attached.

Everybody liked him. For his money, for his looks, for his skill. But he never let anybody come close to him, except his twin. Everybody else would just use him, like he used everybody else. Opening his heart to other people meant getting it broken eventually. He knew. He knew since he had been ten and had held his twin in his arms, crying over his grandmother, silently hating his parents for not being there for him and his brother.

Oh, yes, he knew.

He was happy. He told himself everyday he was. Yes, his parents were assholes, so what? It didn't even bother him anymore. He had everything he wanted. Everybody as lucky as him would be happy, right? Right.

He had _everything_.

And yet...

* * *

**Short Notes (edited):** Hm, did this prologue even make sense? I have the distinct feeling I wrote one damn sentence about four times, just in a different order... Oh, well. I'm not really good in writing in English. Or talking in English. Whatever. Don't sue me. Haven't got any money anyway.

Yeah, so... what do you think? Crap? Or not? But please don't flame me BECAUSE I CAN'T STAND THE HEAT!! Seriously! Outside there must be about 40 degrees (Celsius) already, I can't take it anymore...

Eh. Babbling. I'm a bit nervous, since it's my first try at writing fanfiction. Like, at all. And there are so many great authors out there, I'm actually ashamed of posting this piece of crap...

_Edit: But yay! I finally got around to edit the first seven chapters and fix those stupid quotation marks and the worst grammatical errors... They were not really beta'd though, so don't sue me if you still find mistakes. Eh. It would be nice if you didn't sue me at all._

_Thank you for reading!_


	2. Chapter 1

**Summary** His life had always been perfect, or at least so Roxas had liked to think. But overcoming his own fears for someone else isn't as easy as it seems. When both his own and his lover's past threatens their unstable relationship, Roxas has to face the truth: His life was far from perfect. But at least it was better than Axel's.

Oh, yeah, forgot to mention it's AU. And Roxas and Sora are twins. Highschool setting.

**Warnings:** It's still all about boylove. That one won't change. If it bothers you... well... then that doesn't bother _me _very much. Go to your momma and cry your little eyes out.

Swearing. A little. Because Roxas isn't nice.

Baaaaad grammar. And general abuse of the English language.

**Pairings:** AkuRoku main, RikuxSora, ZexionxDemyx side pairings. Possible LeonxCloud later on. Much, much later though.

**Disclaimer:** I own the Kingdom Hearts mangas. And the Chain Of Memories mangas. But not the wonderful world of Kingdom Hearts itself. And I especially don't own Roxas and Sora. As much as I would love that. Sadly, Squareenix and Disney won't give them up that easily.

* * *

**Perfect Match - Chapter 1**

He couldn't sleep. He never slept longer than four hours.

It didn't bother him that much. He was used to getting up before dawn and waiting for the sunrise, sitting on the huge, comfortable couch in his room only in his underwear, sipping on a cup of coffee and gazing at the clouds, watching them change their color from black to gray, from gray to a delicate shade of pink, to orange, to gray again, to white...

He was used to being alone in his big, empty room. He liked it. Here he could think about... things. Here he could be... himself. Not this fake, happy person everybody automatically assumed he was.

He heard someone knocking softly on the door of his room. He didn't bother to say anything, just sipped on his coffee and continued to watch the sunrise. He heard the quiet creaking of the door and slow footsteps approaching as this person entered his room.

"Roxas," he heard the soft voice of the only person in his life he really cared about. The only person he allowed to get close to him. The only person he trusted.

Sora, his twin brother, stood beside him and looked down at him fondly. He was already dressed, a simple black and white, short-sleeved hoodie over a red and blue t-shirt and baggy black shorts, red bags strapped to his thighs by yellow belts, his silver chain with this simple, crown-shaped pendant their grandfather had secretly given him for his eleventh birthday resting on his chest, and his trademark fingerless gloves on his hands. His chocolate brown hair was spiky like his twin's, but slightly longer and even messier, sticking out in every direction possible from his head.

He smiled softly and sat next to his brother.

"I made breakfast," he said, hugging his twin and ruffling blond hair affectionately. "Pancakes, just for you. Wanna come down?"

Roxas smiled back. He loved the way his always cheerful twin managed to make him smile every morning.

"Why would you do that?" he asked, chuckling softly. "You love to sleep in, Sora."

"Awww," Sora chuckled and pinched Roxas' cheek lightly. "Because you are my widdle, widdle baby bwother, and I wuv you sooooo much!" He spread his arms wide to demonstrate just how much he loved his 'baby brother', who glared at him half-heartedly for this stupid nickname. Sora just laughed at the almost pouty expression. "That, and because you need to eat, bro. You are waaaay too skinny."

Roxas laughed as Sora poked his ribs once, grinning like a Cheshire cat. He batted his older brother's hand away and stood, grabbing a t-shirt from the ground and pulling it over his head before he followed his brother out of his room and downstairs.

"Okay, number one: Eight minutes! You're just eight fucking minutes older than me, brother dearest!" He ignored Sora chirping "Language, Roxas!" happily. "And number two: You're just as skinny, so shut up!"

"Yeah, well, guess it runs in the family. Aaaaaaanyway..." Roxas sat down and grabbed a fork, watching his brother prepare two plates full of golden, buttery goodness, enjoying his brothers cheerful chattering. "I woke up early today and wanted pancakes, and since you never ever eat real food for breakfast, and don't give me that look, marshmallows _are_ no real food, as tasty as they are... Anyway, I thought, 'Hey, Sora, you have two hours left, why don'tcha try to stuff your poor, skinny, adorable widdle bwother with unhealthy but undeniably delicious Food Of The Gods, aka 'Soras Exquisite, Mouth-watering, Deliciously Fattening Pancakes, Roxas-special'?' And here they are..." He handed Roxas a plate full of incredibly tasty looking pancakes. They even had chocolate chips in them, just how Roxas liked it.

"Dig in!" Sora cheered as he sat down next to his brother and followed his own advice instantly.

They ate in peaceful silence. Roxas loved his brother's cooking. It was simply the best. He knew no better way to start the day.

Yes, it was peaceful. Until they heard someone come down the stairs.

Sora stopped mid-bite. Roxas sighed.

A beautiful, blond girl with big blue eyes stepped into the kitchen, a pretty smile on her even prettier face. Her eyes brightened noticeably when she spotted Roxas.

"Morning," she announced cheerfully.

Way too cheerful. Ugh! Why did he ever bring her home?

Roxas glanced at his brother. His heart clenched almost painfully when he saw the look of pure disgust sweeping over Sora's features. Sora tried to hide it instantly, but Roxas knew. He knew how his brother thought about this. About his… experiments.

"Why are you still here?" he asked without looking up. He took another bite of his delicious breakfast. "I told you I didn't want to see you today."

Her face fell. Her blue eyes widened impossibly, her mouth fell open, her hands were clenched into tight little fists.

And then she started to cry.

"But... but..." she sobbed pitifully, her voice sounding high and shrill and overall _unpleasant_. "But... I thought..."

"That's the problem," Roxas stated emotionlessly. "You thinking, I mean."

"You... you can't mean that..." she wailed, clutching her shirt right above her heart in a melodramatic gesture. She was already shaking. "I thought we... I thought you loved me..."

"Oh, come on..." Roxas wiped his lips politely with a napkin, never looking up. "We only know each other since yesterday. I don't even remember your name."

She gasped and stepped back until her back hit the door frame.

"I'm in your math and biology class, you asshole!" she screamed, her hands now shaking from rage. "We know each other since ninth grade!"

"So? I still don't know your name." Roxas leaned back and crossed his arms across his chest. "I know you know me. I know you couldn't wait to get into my pants last night. That's all I have to know about you. You're like everybody else."

She was about to protest, but blazing sky blue eyes stopped her.

Roxas watched tears filling her big eyes once more. He watched them emotionlessly, as they were clinging to her long lashes, sliding down her pale cheek, dripping from her perfect little chin.

She ran away crying.

It was like this all the time. They always cried. The boys just as much as the girls.

Silence again. But this time it wasn't peaceful. This time it was a sad, troubled silence which filled the kitchen.

Sora took his plate and placed it near the sink. He never looked at his brother when he left the room.

Roxas was relieved about that, yet felt guilty about it at the same time.

* * *

They went to school in silence. They always walked, since their school was only five blocks away.

Roxas had changed into comfortable, faded gray jeans, a tight black vest with the pendant his grandfather had given him, some kind of four-pointed star, attached to the zipper, and his favorite white jacket, the one with black and white checkers around his shoulders and the red collar, his black and white checkered wristband on his left wrist, black and white sneakers on his feet.

It was very unusual for Sora to be so quiet, but Roxas knew why. He knew his brother was disappointed.

He was, too.

"I'm sorry," he said, looking down at his feet. His sneakers made gentle, squeaking noises on the pavement.

Sora sighed.

"That's what you say _every time_, Roxas." He sighed again. "Why do you do that? Why don't you just stop?"

"Dunno." Roxas kicked at a pebble. It landed on the grass beside the street. "Can't."

"You could." Sora's eyes were on him, again. He hated that look. That disappointed, yet hopeful look. "You hurt them, y'know? It's just... dunno. Not nice."

Not nice. Yes.

Roxas wasn't nice.

He brought people with him, almost every night. Never twice. Just once. He would make out with them, kiss them and test them, see if they wanted him.

They always did. They said they wanted to be with him. To love him. To be his girlfriend (or boyfriend, since he was into guys as well).

They were so eager to please him. It made him sick.

They would try to seduce him, to sleep with him, regardless of the fact they didn't really know him, but he never allowed them to. And he would tell them to leave him alone after that, and they would cry, scream, and sometimes even threaten him.

He didn't care. He had stopped caring a long time ago. He didn't care if he hurt them, because they hurt him even more with their lying and their faked feelings for him. They deserved his cruelty, because they were even crueler in their greedy and lust-filled attempts to seduce him.

He never slept in the same room as his... guests. He left them in some guest room, disgusted by their sweet talking, their lack of pride when they threw themselves at him, when they offered him their bodies like whores, never wanting _him_, just his fame, his looks, his money. He was nothing more than a prize for them, something to show off to their equally shallow friends.

He couldn't stand people like them in his room. His room was his sanctuary.

The place where he cried until he passed out from exhaustion. The place where he could hate himself for not being able to stop. For not being able to be alone.

The place where he dreamed about things he would never have; things his parents' money or his looks or his fame couldn't provide.

Things like... someone he could share his big, empty room with. Someone who would talk to him, laugh with him, someone to hold him, to tell him everything was okay. Someone who would love him for who he was, not for money or fame. Things like love.

Nobody would ever love him. They all wanted him, but not for who he was. _Never_ for who he was.

And yet he tried. And took somebody home with him. Almost every day.

Because he _wanted_ to care. He had stopped caring about everybody except his brother a long time ago, but he wanted... he wanted to care... he wanted someone to care about him, too...

A warm arm pulled him into a gentle hug, startling him out of his depressing thoughts.

He had Sora. He would always have Sora. He knew that.

But sometimes it just was not enough.

"Would you stop if I asked you to?" his twin's soft, sad voice reached his ears.

Roxas froze, looking down at his feet.

It was the first time Sora asked him that. The first time since he had started bringing strangers to their home when he had been fourteen, more than two years ago.

He heard his brother sigh softly, and the small sound broke his heart. His stomach clenched almost painfully. He didn't dare to look up, because he knew he would simply break if he saw the hurt and disappointment in Sora's clear blue eyes.

"Hey, look, I'm sorry." Sora ruffled his hair and smiled. But it wasn't as cheerful as it used to be. "I know why you do it. I'm sorry."

No. This wasn't right. Sora shouldn't... he couldn't be sorry.

"Don't be," Roxas whispered. He felt the tears burning in his eyes, but he refused to let them fall. "You're right. You're always right."

Sometimes he hated himself. Because he disappointed the only important person in his life again and again.

He was scared that Sora would leave him one day.

"Hell, yeah!" Sora gave his shoulders a last, affectionate squeeze before he let him go. "Don't forget it, bro! I'm always right! Heh!" He pulled the strap of his backpack a little higher and grinned again, but this time more cheerful. It was a fake, and Roxas knew it, but it made him feel better. Like he wasn't the horrible person he was.

Sora always knew how to cheer him up. Sora would never leave him. He had Sora. Sometimes this _was_ enough.

"How 'bout some ice cream after school?" Sora crossed his arms behind his head. "My treat. Oh, oh, and we could rent some reeeeally bad movies and watch 'em, and eat popcorn 'n stuff, y'know, like we used to when we were kids..." By now he was bouncing excitedly, waving his hands wildly as if it would help to convince his brother of his plan.

"That would be nice." Roxas smiled. Sometimes Sora was enough. The tears disappeared when they arrived at the school gates. "But we're still kids, silly."

"Tse. Minor detail." Sora laughed and waved Roxas' words aside. He had a beautiful laugh, Roxas noticed. It was a shame he didn't laugh as often as he used to anymore. "But ice cream comes first, ne? Anyway, have to go... Mr. Xehanort doesn't like me anyway, can't be late for his class... See ya!"

He tried to run, but a hand on his arm stopped him.

Roxas kept his gaze on the floor, but his grip around his older brother's arm was firm.

Thoughts were running through his head, too fast for him to grasp fully. He felt ditzy, yet he didn't know why. He had to continue... had to prove they were all the same, cruel, calculating, just using him. He had to!

But... Sora had asked him to stop.

And he felt... he felt he didn't want to continue his 'testing'.

It had been too long. Too many. And he knew it was wrong, so wrong...

It hurt. A lot. They never saw him; they just saw their perfect, rich, sweet prize.

He wanted it to stop. And it would be easy to stop, he told himself. Sora would help him.

"I'll..." His mouth suddenly went dry, and he thought his voice sounded funny, cracking almost. He licked his lips once, twice, before speaking again. More like whispering, really. "Sora, I... I want..." He stopped again. A strange sound escaped his dry throat unintentionally, sounding oddly like a choked sob.

He knew he was holding Sora's arm too tightly. It had to hurt, but Sora didn't complain.

He forced himself to look at his twin. Identically blue eyes met, and Roxas felt his eyes burning again. Sora's face looked slightly blurred, but he could still see the warmth and kindness and pure love in the cerulean depths of Sora's beautiful orbs.

"I want to stop!" he whispered frantically, grasping Sora's other hand in his own and intertwining their fingers automatically, like he had always done when they had been kids. He hadn't done that since... more than two years ago. Since he had started bringing strangers to their home.

But he needed his brother; he needed his support if he really wanted to stop...

He wondered if Sora had read his thoughts, because the next moment he was pulled in a tight, loving embrace by his brother, and he felt a small kiss being pressed against his forehead.

"I'll help you, Roxy, don't worry," he heard Sora say in a comforting, hushed voice. It was strange to hear his old nickname again. Sora had stopped calling him like that two years ago, too.

He pressed his face against Soras shoulder, willing the tears in his eyes not to fall. He felt like a huge weight had been lifted from his chest, like he could breathe again after nearly drowning.

They stood still like that a while before letting go. Sora squeezed Roxas' hand lightly, smiling happily and nodding without saying a word.

Then he ran away, waving and grinning like an idiot. Roxas waved back and went down a different hallway, to his own class.

* * *

**Short Notes (edited):** Kinda short, I know. Oh, boy, don't I know! I'm tired. I will update tomorrow. Maybe. Since I already wrote the next chapter. Heck, I don't even know if anybody reads this stupid story... Oh well.

_Edit: Of course I know by now that quite a few people read this. Hehe. Again: The chapter hasn't been beta'd, I just fixed the quotation marks and stuff._

_Thank you guys for reading!_


	3. Chapter 2

**Summary** His life had always been perfect, or at least so Roxas had liked to think. But overcoming his own fears for someone else isn't as easy as it seems. When both his own and his lover's past threatens their unstable relationship, Roxas has to face the truth: His life was far from perfect. But at least it was better than Axel's.

Oh, yeah, forgot to mention it's AU. And Roxas and Sora are twins. Highschool setting. Oh, and Roxas and Sora are sixteen.

**Warnings:** Yaoi, get over it already. Slight swearing. Because Axel isn't nice either. Leon is slightly OOC. Oh, yes, and loads of spelling and grammatical errors, probably...

**Pairings:** AkuRoku main, RikuxSora, ZexionxDemyx side pairings. Possible LeonxCloud later on. Much, much later though.

**Disclaimer:** I _will _own the first Kingdom Hearts II Manga in a few weeks, hopefully. But me doesn't own Kingdom Hearts. Me doesn't own Axel. That makes me a very sad panda.

Yay, first apperance of our favourite pyro in this chapter!

* * *

**Perfect Match - Chapter 2**

He could already see some girls looking at him, talking about him, giggling stupidly. Oh, yes, his _fanclub_... what a nuisance.

But it didn't bother him as much as before.

He smiled slightly to himself when he went past them.

He walked to his locker, grabbed his books, throwing love letters and heart-shaped cards out of his locker and onto the floor carelessly in the process, and went to his class without looking at any of the girls and boys ogling him.

The classroom was already full, everybody sitting in their usual seats, chatting and laughing and giggling. They seemed so carefree and happy. Most of them, anyway.

And today Roxas felt kind of happy too. He felt relieved, refreshed, reborn. Just because of a few little words, one little resolution...

He just _knew_ he was beaming and bouncing slightly as he went. He didn't care. He was happy, dammit! Even if all the other students stared at him, he didn't mind. They probably weren't used to see him smile. Hell, he wasn't used to that himself. Okay, he didn't actually see himself all the time, but it still _felt_ weird. Even if it was just a small smile.

Roxas never looked at the girl in the second row, the one who had been with him last night. She shot him a dirty look, but he ignored it.

Like he had always done.

He sat in his usual place, third row, next to the window. His friends, Hayner, Pence and Tidus, sat in front of him and next to him, grinning broadly.

"Woah, Rox, what happened? You got laid or something?" Tidus asked him teasingly, earning a bark of laughter from Hayner. "I mean, you know you're smiling, right? Y'know, like, the corners of your mouth turned _up_ instead of down and stuff..."

Roxas just shrugged and pulled his stuff out of his bag. He didn't bother to tell them. They didn't know about his tests, and he preferred them not to know, too.

And he didn't think they needed to know he was still a virgin.

His friends seemed to understand they wouldn't get an answer from him.

"Hey, anybody got that stupid math homework right?" Hayner leaned back in his seat and planted an elbow on Roxas' desk. Roxas shoved him away and took out his books.

He listened to his friends' stupid rambling about stupid math and their stupid teacher, Mr. Leonhart, grinning to himself, never really listening. Until Tidus punched his shoulder lightly.

Hu? Anybody asked him a question?

"I sa-aid," Tidus repeated slowly, frowning a little, "Jess seems to be pretty mad at you."

Roxas blinked. Once. Twice.

"Jess?" Who?

Hayner, Pence and Tidus stared. And then they laughed, Hayner nearly falling from his seat and flailing his arms to keep his balance. Pence grabbed his chair before he could knock it over.

"Can't believe it!" Tidus chuckled and shook his head. "You asked me just yesterday! Don't you remember? That hot chick, blond, blue eyes, over there... She's shooting you dirty looks since you got here! Man, if looks could kill..."

"Oh..." Roxas never looked in her direction. "Well..." He shrugged and opened his notepad, skimming through until he reached a certain page. There, among his chemistry notes from the day before, was a messy drawing of this girl, Jess.

He wrote the name under the picture.

Then he grabbed another pen and scribbled all over the drawing, until it was completely unrecognizable.

It was a little tick he had. He would see somebody, would be interested, would draw a little picture into his notepad and would take this person home.

Sometimes the drawings got a name afterwards. Sometimes they didn't, if he didn't bother to remember the name.

And every picture was crossed out the next day. Because he wasn't longer interested in the person shown by it. Because they were like everybody else. They just wanted to use him.

He had to suppress a very stupid giggle. There wouldn't be any more drawings in his notepad anytime soon.

He couldn't believe how utterly happy that simple thought made him!

Why hadn't he stopped sooner? He felt so stupid for waiting so long, hurting his beloved brother just as much as he had hurt himself.

He opened up a new page and glanced at his watch.

Odd. Mr. Leonhart was _never_ late.

"Hey, isn't that odd? Good ol' Squall is late, eh?" Roxas raised a perfectly shaped brow as Hayner voiced his thoughts almost exactly.

"I _do_ hope you are talking about the weather, Hayner, though it really doesn't look like a storm outside," a cold, emotionless voice spoke up at the front of the classroom.

The temperature in the room seemed to drop a few degrees.

Roxas and Pence both rushed to grab the back of Hayner's chair before he toppled over. Again.

Hayner blushed, a deep red that didn't go well with his dirty blond hair. He sat straight and looked to the front, hands gripping his desk.

"Because I don't appreciate it when students call me by my first name," Mr. Leonhart continued dryly before he smacked his books onto the teacher's desk. His cold, gray eyes scanned the room which fell silent almost instantly.

Mr. Leonhart crossed his arms and leaned on his desk. His dark brown hair was tied at the back of his neck, long bangs framing his handsome face, which was fairly unusual for him. He wore all black today, nothing leathery though. Also highly unusual.

"Okay." He scanned the classroom once more. "We have a few new students here today. They should be here every minute. I want you all to _behave_." His eyes narrowed dangerously. "Am I understood?"

There was low mumbling in the classroom. Everybody looked at their desk.

"Good." Mr. Leonhart picked up a sheet from his desk and read out the names.

"Amano?"

"Here!"

"Deiaki?"

"Here!"

"Emana?"

"Here!"

"Harada?"

Roxas lifted his gaze just for a second. "Here..." he said loud enough for everyone to hear.

He blended Mr. Leonhart's voice out as he proceeded reading the names. His pencil tapped lightly onto the blank page of his notepad.

He felt like _whistling_ somehow. He didn't do it of course, although he really would've liked to.

"Ah..." Mr. Leonhart stopped reading when somebody gently knocked on the door twice. "Here they are..."

He opened the door himself.

Now _that_ was plain creepy.

Mr. Leonhart with a ponytail? Unusual, but it happened once in a while. Mr. Leonhart wearing no leather? Freaky, but understandable. Leather wasn't _that_ comfortable to wear. Especially in summer.

Mr. Leonhart opening the friggin' door for someone? Definitely downright... _creepy_!

Heh! Now he only had to _smile_ to freak his students out even more...

Mr. Leonhart smiled.

Silence followed.

Roxas blinked twice, urging his hands not to snap his pencil in half.

Damn! His teacher was really _cute_ when he smiled...

"Come in." Mr. Leonhart stepped aside to let the new students in.

And Roxas' eyes were glued to the most gorgeous creature ever to have walked the earth.

His breathing hitched in his throat, his heart skipped a beat, the abused pencil fell from his hand and clattered onto the desk. His hands started to shake, so he pressed them flat onto the cool wood.

Suddenly he was very, very grateful he'd decided to end his 'testing phase'... he sent prayer after prayer to the heavens, to any god or other mystic power listening, thanking them again and again for helping him make up his mind just _today_, because there he was, the very personification of Roxas' dreams...

The boy who strolled into the room was tall, skinny and unbelievably _beautiful_. His face was pale and smooth, with two tear-shaped tattoos right beneath his eyes, high cheekbones and thin lips. His hair was the brightest shade of red Roxas had ever seen, and it spiked out behind him and almost reached his lean shoulders. It remembered Roxas of flames, somehow... And his eyes... _god_, his eyes...

They were the deepest, richest green he had ever seen... brilliant like emeralds, rimmed by long, dark lashes, sharp, almond-shaped, cat-like almost...

Did he wear make-up? He had to wear make-up. Nobody had dark lashes like that naturally... yeah, and that hair... had to be dyed, right? Right. And what kind of freak had tattoos on their _face_? Make-up, definitively...

Still... positively gorgeous, that one...

He wore all black, a long black coat, black pants and heavy boots, fingerless gloves and some kind of... collar... around his slim neck.

Roxas could see himself taking this obstructive thing off of this boy, slowly kissing a path down this pale neck, sucking on tender flesh, soft skin... it had to be soft, he was _so_ sure of it...

Another boy followed the tall redhead. He was slightly smaller, had unbelievably bright, blue-green eyes and a sweet, pretty face. His dirty blond hair was styled in a mullet, which looked a bit odd but suited this kid pretty well. He was very slim, yet not nearly as skinny as the other boy. He donned faded jeans and a plain white t-shirt under a sea-blue hoodie and blue sneakers.

They were holding hands.

Roxas stared at them, as did everybody else. Yes, they were holding hands. And they didn't seem to mind that they were being stared at because of it.

The boy with the mullet stepped closer to the taller teen, as if to hide behind him. He looked... scared.

"So..." Mr. Leonhart leaned on his desk again, crossing his arms. "Do you want to introduce yourselves? Or should I do it for you?"

"Nah, that's fine..." the redhead said.

God, his voice matched his looks perfectly... dark and mysterious and melodious and... _beautiful_...

His bright green eyes swept over the class once.

"Sooo," he began smirking, "Name's Axel. Axel Kouen. Commit it to memory. I'm eighteen, Scorpio, just moved here, wow, what else could you little shitheads wanna know about me..."

Mr. Leonhart stayed silent, which surprised Roxas a bit. His teacher didn't approve of swearing in his class. But most of his attention was focused on what the redhead, _Axel_, was saying. And on watching these tempting lips move... hot _damn_...

"Oh, yeah... these are no make-up." He pointed to the black tears on his cheeks. "Real. Got it memorized? And yes, it hurt like hell when I got them." He smirked, and Roxas felt a strange, fluttering sensation in his stomach.

They were real? _Ow_!

"And don't bother to ask." Axel ran one hand through his fiery red hair, his smirk widening a fraction. "The carpet matches the drapes."

Some girls and boys giggled at this, but they fell silent again when Mr. Leonhart's eyes narrowed visibly.

"Yeah... I know that I'm two years older than you," Axel stated, suddenly a somewhat dark expression on his handsome face. He looked... frightening. But alluring nonetheless, at least to Roxas. "And I only say this once: Never, _never_ ask why I'm two years back. I won't tell you anyway, and it only _pisses_ me off. And you don't _want_ to piss me off. Understood? Good!"

He glanced at the boy beside him, smiling softly at him.

There it was again. This 'heart-skips-a-beat-and-it-gets-kinda-hard-to-breathe-and-oh-my-god-has-it-always-been-that-hot-in-here?' sensation.

Damn, that kid had one _lovely_ smile...

But it vanished as soon as it had appeared, and now Axel looked like he had before: Slightly arrogant, a little angry, and very, very dangerous.

"And this..." He nodded towards the other boy, who looked downright _terrified_ as everybody turned to look at him. "... is Demyx Mizu. He's seventeen, and you don't ask him about that either. He won't tell you anything. He doesn't speak."

Some people gaped surprised at the mulleted boy, who hid behind Axel, never letting go of the taller boy's hand. A light blush adorned his pretty face as he stared at his feet.

"And if you make fun of Dem, I will beat you to bloody pulp. You mess with Dem, you mess with _me_. And like I already said, you don't _want_ to mess with me." Axel smirked coldly. "Got it memorized?"

"I don't think that will be necessary..." Mr. Leonhart said slowly. He frowned at the redhead, pointing to two free seats in the back of the class. "Sit down. And try not to beat somebody to bloody pulp within the next week at least. Nobody will make fun of anybody; nobody will beat anybody up in this school. Is that clear, Akuseru?"

Roxas briefly wondered why Mr. Leonhart called him like that. But he stopped wondering when Axel turned sharply to glare at their teacher.

Roxas watched the sudden change in Axel's expression amazed. Had it been slightly angry before, it was murderous now.

"Axel," he snarled, pure venom and hatred dripping from his beautiful voice. "My _fucking_ name is Axel! Commit it to memory!"

Mr. Leonhart's frown deepened. But he didn't tell Axel off, like everybody expected him to. No, he just shrugged and pointed to the two seats again.

"Whatever. Sit down," he ordered emotionlessly.

Roxas blinked once, twice.

Mr. Leonhart did definitely _not_ approve of this kind of language in his classroom. Never. He could get pretty angry when somebody dropped a 'bad word', even if it was unintentionally. It was terrifying to see his gray eyes grow even colder and his frown getting deeper, and to hear soft, calm words coming out of his mouth as he explained _why exactly_ it was a bad idea to swear in front of him...

Maybe he let it slip because he disliked his own first name, Roxas thought. Everybody knew that. He even heard Mr. Leonhart insisted to be called 'Leon' by his friends instead of 'Squall'. He always said his father was a moron and had had an even stranger day than usual when he had named him...

Roxas snapped out of his thoughts when he saw movement right in front of him.

Dear Lord, the red haired beauty walked right into his direction...

He felt his hands getting all sweaty and his fingers growing cold. His heart seemed to speed up; he just hoped nobody else took notice of it... it sounded so god damned _loud_ in his ears...

Roxas stiffened when Axel walked past him, dragging Demyx with him.

Oh. Right. The seat behind Roxas was free.

Heh.

Roxas smiled and watched as Axel sat down right behind him. He moved so gracefully, fluidly, Roxas couldn't help but stare...

Demyx sat next to Axel, behind Tidus, and he looked like he wanted to disappear. His pretty eyes darted around the room, never resting on one point longer than a second, until he looked at the redhead next to him. He looked so scared, Roxas almost pitied him.

"I see..." Mr. Leonhart looked up. "Roxas?"

Roxas turned around unwillingly. But he smiled politely, never showing his disappointment about no longer being able to look at Axel.

"Yes, sir?" Always polite, always nice, always perfect. That's what he was.

"Would you mind sharing your notes with your new classmates?" Mr. Leonhart asked. "It's highly unfortunate they start our class mid-term, but since both of them attended parts of some classes in their old school they should be able to follow... Isn't that right?" He looked at Axel and frowned when the redheaded teen smirked and put his feet onto his desk.

"Sure. No prob," he said still smirking.

Oh, _good_...

"I don't mind at all, sir." Roxas flashed his teacher a bright smile. A chance to speak with the redhead... the day was getting better and better...

"Very well." Mr. Leonhart glanced one last time at Axel and Demyx and cleared his throat once, raising an eyebrow disapprovingly at Axel's feet still resting on his desk.

Every other student would have run away by now.

But Axel was new. And Mr. Leonhart seemed to be in an awful forgiving mood today.

Again. _Creepy_.

"Now, I think we should continue. I believe we started on differential equations last time..." He scribbled seemingly endless columns of variables and numbers and symbols onto the blackboard. "We started to solve this particular problem... I assume all of you did their homework?"

One boy dared to groan miserably at this.

Oh, yes, there it was. Mr. Leonhart's infamous Glare Of Doom which could probably freeze hell over. Twice.

Seemed like Mr. Leonhart was himself again.

Even Roxas shuddered slightly, although he never was the target of this glare. Never had been, never would. No, sir, Roxas was a good boy.

But he didn't do his homework either...

He had tried, _honestly_, but he had failed horribly... and he was the _only_ one in his grade who managed to get an 'A' in Mr. Leonhart's class.

And somehow he had hoped today would be one of the days when Mr. Leonhart didn't check their homework. Which he did roughly half of the time.

Silence.

An amused chuckle behind Roxas.

"Don't tell me nobody did their homework," Mr. Leonhart sighed pinching the bridge of his nose, steel gray eyes thankfully fixed on the blackboard again.

Silence again.

"My mistake, I suppose," the chocolate haired man gritted through his teeth, turning slowly, laying his hands flat on the teacher's desk and leaning heavily on them. "I foolishly assumed all of you understood what I was saying, because I can't remember anybody answering when I _asked_ if you all understood _last_ _lesson_!"

Oh, yeah. Anger. About the only emotion his teacher could express, next to disappointment (pretty rare), mild surprise (_really_ rare) and some kind of cold indifference (most of the time) that made you want to crawl under the sheets of your bed and cry because you felt like a worthless, useless insect about to be squished if it was directed at you.

Except this creepy cute smile from before. _Weird_.

Cold gray eyes narrowed.

"What about you, Hayner?" he asked, his voice icy. "If I remember correctly, it was you who declared this _stuff_ was too _easy_ to actually pay _attention_."

Hayner tried unsuccessfully to hide under his desk without attracting attention.

Mr. Leonhart's gaze settled on the next unfortunate blond.

"Tidus? You _have_ to know, since you were so _bored_ last lesson you were actually _sleeping_."

Tidus appeared to be hyperventilating.

Roxas winced. He was next, he knew... but Mr. Leonhart wouldn't be angry with him, no, Roxas was his best student after all... He would suffer the full force of Mr. Leonhart's _disappointment_...

Mr. Leonhart really seemed to look in his direction, but he didn't actually _look_ at _him_.

One brow rose in mild surprise.

"Yes, Axel?" he asked.

Roxas almost sighed in relief.

"I can do it. If you want me to, that is," he heard the angelic voice of said redhead behind him.

Mr. Leonhart blinked.

Everybody else gasped.

Mr. Leonhart silenced them with another glare.

"Are you sure?" he asked hesitantly. "You're not prepared, and it _is_ a rather sophisticated problem..."

"Yeah, it's kinda tricky," Axel agreed. "But it's not _that_ hard. Wouldn't hurt to try, would it? Unless someone else wants to do it..."

The silence was almost deafening.

Mr. Leonhart wasn't a bad teacher, Roxas thought. Definitely not. He was patient, he was strict, but fair, and he always explained everything over and over again until even _Tidus_ understood. He explained very well, too. Always logical and as simple as possible.

But he was a bit... scary sometimes. He was so... cold and distant, he never smiled and he seemed to be... devoid of emotions. Except when he was angry. Which he was quite often, mostly because of Hayner and Tidus. But even then he tried to stay calm and collected. He never raised his voice. He didn't have to. When _he_ spoke, _everybody_ listened.

Oh, hell yeah, and this scar across his forehead was _pretty_ scary.

Thus he was respected by his students. And because of that nobody wanted to disappoint him.

And everybody in this classroom _knew_ he _would_ be disappointed if somebody tried to solve the problem and failed.

Everybody, except a certain redhead, that is.

"Well... if you think you can do it..." Leonhart crossed his arms and sat on his desk. "Be my guest."

Roxas glanced back at the redhead, who appeared to have shrugged off his black coat to reveal a tight-fitting, blood red and black shirt.

Oh god, he was _really_ skinny...

Axel stood and strolled to the front, picking up the chalk from the desk as he went.

Roxas had to stop himself from drooling all over his desk as Axel put one slender hand on his hip, slightly cocking his head to one side as he took in the complicated differential equation. His fiery, insanely spiked hair swished gently behind him as he moved.

He looked almost _fragile_ without his coat. Roxas couldn't take his eyes off of him. He eyed every movement Axel made hungrily, drank in every curve of his slender body, yearning to touch him, feel him, kiss him...

The term 'Love at first sight' seemed so fitting somehow... hadn't Roxas been unable to care about someone other than his brother. It wasn't love, he knew. Nothing pure and beautiful like that, but raw lust and desire for the redhead.

He slowly grabbed a pencil and started to draw. He didn't even notice it at first, not until he saw the drawn outline of a thin face on the otherwise blank piece of paper.

But this time it wasn't a hastily scribbled doodle, like all the other times. No, Roxas caught himself drawing slowly, carefully, concentrating on getting the shape of his face right, those cat-like eyes, the black upside-down teardrops on his cheeks, right beneath the eyes...

It was so different from everything, everybody he had ever drawn before.

And in-between his drawing, he glanced to the real one, who was adding more confusing numbers and letters and symbols to the ones Leonhart had written. Axel's handwriting was messy, but readable. Even _that_ suited him perfectly.

And he noticed Axel was humming softly. Like... like he had _fun_ solving complicated differential equations!

And everybody else stared in awe.

"Aah, yeah... forgot the chain rule... there we are!" Axel turned to look at their teacher, who stared at the blackboard, unblinking. "Right?"

"You forgot to replace the term you substituted before," Mr. Leonhart answered instantly, but he looked... impressed. Roxas thought so anyway. He wasn't sure, since his facial expression never changed as he noted something on a sheet of paper before him. "But... not bad."

Someone's pen fell to the ground, clattering rather loudly.

A brunette, green-eyed girl named Selphie who was friends with Tidus mumbled an excuse and picked her pen from the ground, blushing.

Mr. Leonhart. Never. Commended. Anybody's. Skills. _Never_.

What was going on?

"I assume you already did a course about this?" Mr. Leonhart asked without looking up.

Axel shrugged, twirling the small piece of chalk between his long fingers.

"Yeah, I did. Can't do my thermodynamics without this stuff, hu?" he answered grinning. At this Mr. Leonhart perked up. He stared at the redheaded teen blankly.

"Thermodynamics," he repeated. "I don't think thermodynamics are taught in high school."

"Duh! No." Axel shrugged again and put the chalk back on the desk. "I figured the basics out by myself. Didn't wanna wait till college. Helps understanding chemistry, too."

"You figured _thermodynamics_ out by _yourself_?" Hayner blurted out exactly when Tidus shouted "You like _chemistry_?" unbelievingly.

They were silenced by glares both from Mr. Leonhart and Axel himself.

"Hayner, Tidus, I want to see both of you after school," Mr. Leonhart said _very_ quietly. Since the level of his anger could usually be measured by the quietness of his voice, he had to be _furious_. Roxas was barely able to understand him.

Hayner and Tidus stopped breathing.

Mr. Leonhart looked down at his papers again.

"Thank you, Axel," he said nodding. "You may sit down."

Axel looked down at Hayner when he walked past him, his pretty eyes narrowed dangerously. But he said nothing, just plopped down onto his seat and put his feet onto his desk once more.

"Very well." Mr. Leonhart stood and sighed. "I'll let you not doing your homework slip _this time_. But don't make this a habit!" He sighed again and shook his head. "Whatever. Let's do some more equations, shall we?"

Roxas drowned him out, not at all focusing on the lesson. He scribbled down his notes automatically, turning back a page to add another detail to his already detailed drawing of a certain redhead once in a while.

He stared at the picture he had drawn, wondering why it was as detailed as it was.

What did it mean? He never drew his test subjects _this_ detailed. Hell, he had not just drawn Axels face, like he did with the others, he even added one hand, and a small flame was dancing in his palm. The Axel in his picture appeared to stare at the small flame, smirking slightly, face tilted to the left side a bit.

Weird.

And why was he drawing anyway? He had promised Sora he'd stop, hadn't he? He'd promised himself! So why...

He barely heard the shrill sound of the bell signaling the end of today's lesson.

And when he finally looked up, he gasped and flinched away violently from someone's face next to his own.

Axel was looking over his shoulder, examining the picture he had drawn with an unreadable expression on his face.

After staring for a second, Roxas snatched his notepad away and stuffed it into his bag, blushing furiously.

Axel looked at him, shrugged and turned to Demyx, taking the blond's hand and leading him outside.

Demyx stared at Roxas as he followed the redhead. His eyes never left Roxas, until he left the room.

Roxas stared ahead blankly, breathing heavily, his hands shaking visibly. He clutched his shirt where his heart was pounding rapidly against his ribcage, almost painfully so.

What the hell was wrong with him?

He didn't know the redhead! At all! He had seen him for the first time _less than __an__ hour ago_, dammit!

He... was only surprised... surprised! Yes! Surprised. That had to be it!

_God_... Axel smelled like cinnamon and caramel... like burnt sugar, but with a slightly musky undertone...

Roxas groaned and let his head fall down onto his desk.

And jumped up again, blushing madly when he realized he was the only one left in the classroom besides his teacher, who already gave him a funny look.

With a mumbled excuse he was out, hurrying to his next class.

* * *

**Short Notes (edited):** You guys are really awesome. I post this story, and, like, two minutes later I get my first review? How cool is that?

Glad you like it. So far. And I'm glad you don't think Roxas is OOC in the first two chappies. Hell, _I_ thought he was, that little bitch! Until _rascality _pointed out he wasn't. Cool. (Loved your review, by the way.) I wanted to make him stay like that for another three or four chapters, but I couldn't! He's too sweet! I hope his quick personality change wasn't too abrupt, but don't worry, he will get all angsty and emo and shit again later on.

Thanks for reviews so far. Especially _hermione494_ who was my first reviewer _ever_. You now hold a special place in my heart. :sigh:

_Edit: What can I add to that? Well, not much. Fixed quotation marks! Yay!_


	4. Chapter 3

**Summary:** His life had always been perfect, or at least so Roxas had liked to think. But overcoming his own fears for someone else isn't as easy as it seems. When both his own and his lover's past threatens their unstable relationship, Roxas has to face the truth: His life was far from perfect. But at least it was better than Axel's.

**Warnings:** Slight swearing. Lots of yelling. And I suck at grammar. I'm sure you noticed.

**Pairings:** AkuRoku main, RikuxSora, ZexionxDemyx side pairings. Possible LeonxCloud later on. Much, much later though.

**Disclaimer:** Yes, I'm using characters I don't own for my story! So sue me, Squareenix! Or you, Disney!

Eh. No. Don't. Please. I don't have any money...

* * *

**Perfect Match - Chapter 3**

He didn't see the redhead again until lunch break.

And he wasn't sure if he was relieved or sad about that.

He was confused. So horribly, _horribly_ confused, dammit! He couldn't stop thinking about him, and his green eyes, and this mocking smirk, and... and...

"Roxy! Hey, Roxy! Over here!"

He looked up when he heard his brother shouting from across the cafeteria hall. And he spotted Sora almost instantly, mostly because he was waving and bouncing and grinning like a madman.

He made his way through the crowd and plopped onto the seat across his twin. He noticed Wakka, Naminé, Kairi and Olette, Sora's and his friends, along with Hayner, Pence and Tidus from his math group. They always sat together at lunch.

But they had taken another table as usual. An even bigger one. There were four free seats. Weird.

"Hey, wassup! Guess what, we got two new students today, and they were totally like 'Don't speak to me, I'm EMO!' and I totally..." Sora babbled, but was stopped by Kairi, who simply put a hand over his mouth. "Mmpffff?"

"If you say the word 'totally' once more, you won't be allowed to speak for a week, Sora!" she scolded him playfully. "It sounds _totally_ stupid when you say it like that."

"Yeah, _totally_ gay!" Tidus chimed in happily.

_"__Totally_ girly!" Selphie giggled.

_"__Totally_," Naminé agreed smiling.

"And they were not emo at all. They were just quiet. Not everybody enjoys hearing their own voice as much as you do," Kairi continued still smiling.

"Hey, I don't..." Sora sighed when his friends broke out in fits of giggles at his pouty expression. "Anyway, I said they could sit with us at lunch, and they said 'Sure, why not...', and they said they would bring their friends, too, and..."

"Oh, okay..." Roxas looked down at his tray and poked this... thing that claimed to be pizza with his fork. Why did cafeteria pizza always have to be so... non-pizza-ish? Disgusting. "I wondered why you guys weren't sitting at our usual table anyway..."

"Yeah, I mean, they look nice, a bit emo but..."

"Oh, c'mon, Sora, they _don't_ look emo." Kairi smacked Sora's arm lightly.

"Zexion _totally_ does!" Sora cried, waving with his hands to emphasize his point and pouting again when his friends laughed at him... _again_.

"Maybe," Olette agreed after she had calmed down a bit. "Okay, maybe Zexion does look a little like an emo, but Riku doesn't. Hm, Naminé?"

"Riku's cute," the blonde said smiling.

"Yes, he is! Wooohoooo!" Selphie giggled when Tidus glared at her. "Aaaaaaw, don't worry, Tidu-widu... you're the only one for me!" She jumped at him and sat down on his lap. "Just lookin', really!"

"Tidu... widu?" Sora scratched his head. "What kind of stupid nickname is that?"

They all laughed again, and Sora grinned. Tidus blushed and glared at them, but he was quickly distracted by Selphie smooching him shamelessly. In public. Gross.

"Tse, we got new students too." Hayner exclaimed loudly from his seat. He was leaning back on his chair again, only balancing on the hind legs, arms crossed. "This Axel guy is such a freak... did you see these tattoos? There's no way they are real!" Pence and Tidus agreed, and Hayner nodded vigorously, almost toppling his stool over... _again_! And again Roxas and Pence hastily reached for him to steady him. "And Tidus and I got detention because of him! On his first day! He's such a _freak_!" he repeated.

Roxas looked up, finally deciding his... food... was not worth to be eaten, about to disagree and defend the redhead... when he realized he didn't know anything about him. Hey, maybe he _was_ a freak! And he _could_ have lied about the tattoos...

Still, he had a feeling he should tell Hayner off for talking about their new students like that... and Tidus and Hayner kinda deserved detention in his opinion.

"Am I, now?"

All of them whirled around to face the owner of this calm voice. Hayner's stool fell, and he let out a surprised shriek and cursed loudly, rubbing his head, wincing slightly and looking up to the speaker nervously.

Roxas' blood ran cold when his eyes landed on Axel, who was standing right behind Hayner, one tray of food in each hand. Demyx was behind him, holding the hand of another teen Roxas didn't recognize, and another boy standing right next to him.

The boy holding Demyx' hand had dark bluish-gray hair which fell over half of his face, covering one eye completely. The visible one stared coldly at Hayner. He wore all black, and he was carrying two backpacks over his shoulders and one book in his free hand.

The other boy had silver hair which reached his shoulders. His eyes were an amazingly bright aquamarine color, half covered by long silver bangs. He was rather built, yet looking slender, clad in simple jeans, a black shirt and a white-yellow vest. He was carrying another tray, and a bag was slung over his shoulder.

The whole table fell silent. The four boys were still staring down at Hayner coldly. He slowly stood, sitting down at his seat and blushing slightly.

"Oi... hi!" Sora jumped up to break the almost visible tension, scratching his head and grinning in this adorable manner of his. "Eh... you must be Axel, then? Nice to meet you! I'm Sora... eh... I invited Riku and Zexion... oh, and you must be Demyx! Hi! Eh... Sit down?"

Neither of the boys moved. Just their eyes wandered from Hayner's head to Sora's bright, grinning face.

Now _that_ freaked Roxas out!

"Aw, don't mind Hayner, he was only joking! Right? Right?" Sora laughed nervously. "He _totally_ didn't mean it like that, right?"

Roxas knew his brother stressed the word 'totally' on purpose.

And it worked.

The silver-haired boy, whom Roxas assumed to be this 'Riku' guy, since the other one looked more emo-ish, smirked slightly.

"You said that about threehundred times the last lesson," he chuckled. "You don't know that many other words, hu?"

Demyx hid a smile behind one hand. His pretty eyes were sparkling with amusement.

And the boy who held his hand, who had to be Zexion, visibly relaxed when Demyx smiled.

Only Axel was still frowning.

"Oh, you're sooooo _totally_ wrong, Riku!" Sora almost sang. "Me does know maaaaany other words!"

Everybody laughed at this. Everybody but Demyx, Zexion and Axel, that is. But Demyx still smiled, and the corners of Zexion's lips twitched upwards for the fraction of a second, and even Axel's frown seemed to lighten a little.

"Sit! Sit!" Sora bounced around the table and grabbed Riku's arm to lead him to the empty seat next to his own. The silver-haired teen was visibly taken aback by the sudden movement, and Roxas believed he saw him flinch back when Sora touched him. But Sora dragged him down before he even had a chance to pull back.

Zexion and Demyx sat down next to Riku. This left only one free seat. Right next to Roxas.

Roxas' heart sped up a bit. But Axel didn't sit down.

The redhead put both of the trays he had carried on the table, right in front of Zexion and Demyx. The mulleted teen looked up at the redhead a little worried, Roxas noticed.

"I think I'll pass," Axel snarled, crossing his arms in front of his chest. "I don't assume you want a _freak_ like me to sit with you, do you?"

He sounded... hurt.

Roxas punched Hayner's shoulder none too lightly.

"Apologize, you moron!" he hissed and narrowed his eyes a little when Hayner opened his mouth to protest. "_Now_!"

Hayner seemed offended, but he looked down at his hands and muttered an apology.

Roxas smiled and looked up at the tall teen, who was still standing next to him.

"Lovely," Axel sneered. He put one hand on his hip, sending Roxas an arrogant glare that made his blood freeze with nervousness and boil with anger at the same time. "Wrapped your friends around your finger, huh, Sunshine?"

What?

Roxas' eyes widened a bit.

He couldn't decide whether to be _angry_ because this guy appeared to be a total jackass, or to be _happy_ because... because he didn't treat him like all the others did. Like a stupid, brainless, pretty, precious, fragile little doll, carefully, like they would break him if they touched him...

"Hey, you asshole!" Hayner jumped up, whirling around to face the redhead, who stared down at him irritatingly calm. "What's wrong with you? I apologized, okay? Leave Roxas alone! He just wanted to be nice, though I can't see why! You're an asshole!"

From the corner of his eyes Roxas saw Riku rising slowly. Zexion carefully lay an arm around Demyx' shoulders, holding the shaking boy.

Axel smirked coldly. His eyes were _burning_.

"Heh. What are you, his watchdog? I think he could defend himself, y'know?" His smirk grew even wider, but the look in his eyes was frightening. "Or are you jealous? Hm? Afraid, little Sunshine doesn't like you anymore?"

"Shut up!" Hayner yelled blushing furiously. "I... I'm not a goddamn faggot, you shithead!"

"Ah, but whoever suggested you were?" Axel leaned forward a bit, raising a finger to point at Hayner. "I meant 'like you' as in 'like you as a friend'. But doesn't your quick reply tell us something _really_ interesting about you and lil' Sunshine here, my _dear_ friend?"

"What?" Hayner shrieked, blushing even more. "No! You freak! That's gross!"

Roxas knew he should be somewhat insulted about this. He knew Hayner was straight, but Hayner also knew Roxas was bi and Sora was gay, so he could have chosen his words a little bit more carefully.

But he found himself wondering why exactly Riku was sneaking around the table to stand next to Axel instead, his whole body tense, ready to jump in between the two opponents to separate them.

"Axel..." the silver haired teen murmured warningly, but Axel raised one hand to stop him without even looking at him.

"Ooooooh, I seeee," Axel taunted the blond boy before him smirking broadly. "Sweet. Isn't it a little bit _stuffy_ in this closet of yours, Blondie?"

"Wha..." Hayner blinked, confused. The other occupants at the table watched the quarrel escalating in terrified silence.

Roxas grabbed his brother's hand over the table, squeezing it gently. Sora looked as if he was about to cry. His big, blue eyes were glossy and wet, and his hand shook slightly in Roxas' tight grip.

Roxas knew Sora thought it was his fault. He had invited those guys to their table, so he assumed automatically it was his fault Axel and Hayner were arguing...

"Axel... Don't..." Riku tried to hold the redhead back, but Axel brushed his hand off his shoulder angrily.

"You know, the Nile ain't just a river in Egypt, kiddo," the redhead continued to mock Hayner.

"Stop it, Axel!" Zexion, the blue haired boy next to Demyx pleaded very quietly. His voice sounded almost emotionless. Demyx was holding his head in his hands, shaking uncontrollably now. "It's not funny."

"Yeah, Sora invited us to eat with them," Riku agreed, again trying to lay one hand on Axel's shoulder, but he was quickly brushed off again. "Don't be so _rude_! If we want to make friends with..."

"Aw, and there I was thinking we were already bonding, me and my blond little friend here." Axel's eyes narrowed dangerously. "But you're right, Riku. I suppose he doesn't wanna be friends with a _freak_ like me, huh? Oh, it's hopeless!" He threw his head back, laying his hand against his forehead in a dramatic gesture.

"Hey, man, what's wrong with you?" Tidus interrupted him roughly. He stood, banging one fist against the table. "Hayner already apologized."

"Ya, it was just a mistake," Wakka agreed frowning. "You don't have to be such an ass about it!"

"I'm not in _denial_!" Hayner shouted suddenly, finally grasping the meaning of the strange sentence Axel had stated earlier.

By now everybody in the cafeteria had to be watching this scene...

Axel snorted highly amused, his attention focusing on Hayner again.

"Aw, man, that took you what? Three minutes?" He let out a bark of laughter, but it didn't sound amused. Not at all. It sounded... mean. "Not the keenest thinker there is, are you? And what about the first one?"

Hayner's face turned beet red, and he stepped forward, raising his fists threateningly. Axel only continued to laugh at him while Riku tried again to calm the redhead down and drag him away by his arm. Axel swatted his hand away again.

"I'm not in the closet either!" Hayner hissed venomously. "Stop suggesting I'm gay! I'm not! You better watch your own little boyfriend over there! Or don't you see he's cuddling another guy?"

The laughing stopped so abruptly Roxas feared the redhead had stopped breathing for a moment.

Axel froze, head still tilted back slightly, eyes wide open. He lowered his gaze slowly, narrowing his eyes to small slits, a small, growling sound escaping his throat. His hands balled into tight fists. His breathing grew suddenly very heavy and slightly uneven.

"Axel! Stop it!" Riku held him back again, but this time he didn't let Axel brush him of like earlier. His grip around the redhead's shoulders was firm. "He didn't mean it! Stop it! He doesn't know..."

"I'LL KILL YOU, YOU GODDAMN LITTLE ASSHOLE!" Axel suddenly yelled furiously, lunging at Hayner, one fist raised, about to punch the boy square in the face. Riku held him back, but Roxas could see the silver haired boy's muscles strain under his thin shirt. Axel squirmed and tried to break away from the other boy. "I'LL FUCKING KILL YOU! DON'T TALK ABOUT DEMYX LIKE THAT, YOU LITTLE FUCK!! FUCKING ASSHOLE!!"

Roxas jumped slightly when Axel started to scream, and Hayner stumbled back until his hip bumped against the table.

Wakka jumped up and tried to help Riku restrain the raging boy, but he backed away when Axel lashed out at him violently. He would have hit him, hadn't Riku thrown an arm around his chest to hold him back.

"Don't!" the silver haired boy shouted. "Don't come near him! Don't touch him!"

"DON'T TOUCH ME! DON'T TOUCH ME, YOU FUCKER!" Axel roared, still trashing and squirming, once again trying to hit Hayner. "LEMME GO! I'LL KILL HIM!!"

"Axel, stop!" Riku tightened the grip around Axel's chest, trying to grab his arm with his free hand to prevent him from hitting the others.

"Axel, please!" Zexion added, his voice soft and pleading. He still held Demyx in his arms, trying to calm the blond boy down. Demyx still held his head in his hands, shaking and sobbing silently. His shoulders quivered with silent sobs, but he didn't utter a sound.

"NO! I'LL RIP HIS FUCKING BALLS OFF! HE CAN'T TALK ABOUT DEM LIKE THAT!!" Axel clawed at Riku's arm around his chest, still trying to reach Hayner with his other hand. His eyes were blazing.

"Fuck!" Riku swore under his breath, almost losing his grip on the redhead. He jerked the other boy back with all his strength, effectively tripping the fuming redhead who crashed into another table and fell to the floor, jumping back up again instantly, ready to lunge at Hayner once more.

Riku punched him. Hard.

Axel stumbled back, going down once again. He fell to his knees, one arm taking the brunt of the fall, swearing loudly and holding the other hand over his nose. Blood trickled down his face, trailing a path over his lips and chin.

"What's going on here?" someone shouted suddenly. One of the teachers made his way through the crowd watching the ugly scene, pushing away bystanders rather roughly.

The blond man's eyes widened as he took the scene before him in: Axel on the floor, still muttering profanities under his breath and gingerly touching his nose, blood still trailing down his face, Riku kneeling next to him and talking to him so quietly nobody understood what he said, Demyx obviously crying silently, still hugging Zexion who whispered soothing words into his ear, Hayner gripping the edge of the table in a death grip, deathly pale and sweating slightly, staring at the redhead terrified, Wakka standing next to him, still dumbfounded, the other ones sitting at the table still shocked by Axel's sudden outburst.

Mr. Strife dismissed the still watching crowd with a cold glare, stepping closer.

"Riku? Is that you?" He laid one hand on Riku's shoulder. "What happened?"

"Cloud!" Riku looked up at the older man, looking oddly relieved.

Roxas and the others exchanged surprised looks at the use of Mr. Strife's first name. What the hell? Riku was a new kid! Why did he address one of their teachers by his first name?

"I'm sorry..." Riku began to explain, but Axel interrupted him instantly.

"'Tis my fault," he murmured, his voice sounding odd because he was still holding a hand over his bleeding nose, not even looking up to the blond man. "I just flipped. Sorry. Won't happen again."

"I sure hope so, Axel," Mr. Strife said frowning. "Do you need to see the nurse?"

"No, no... just a fuckin' bloody nose, nothing, really..."

"I think you have to," Mr. Strife decided and narrowed his deep blue eyes when Axel opened his mouth to object again. "_Now_!"

Axel sighed and looked down dejectedly. But he refused Riku's help when the other boy offered him a hand to help him stand up. He followed Mr. Strife obediently, never looking up.

Riku sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. He turned around and trotted back to his seat, grabbing his bag and slinging it over his shoulder.

"Sorry 'bout that," he murmured softly.

"It wasn't your fault!" Sora began, but Riku just shook his head, never looking at the brunet.

"I'm sorry," he said again. "This was a bad idea. I'm really sorry."

"Wait, what..." Sora looked around confused. Zexion and Demyx stood too, grabbing their own bags. "You don't have to go! We just had a bad start, we..."

"It was nice, you inviting us to sit with you, I mean," Zexion said, taking Demyx' hand again and leading the blond boy away from the table.

"I'm sorry, Sora. But this won't work," Riku repeated and hurried to follow them when they left the cafeteria.

Sora watched them leave with tears in his eyes.

As soon as they had left, loud discussions erupted from the crowd.

Hayner plopped down on his seat next to Roxas, sighing relieved.

"Now _that_ was weird!" he exclaimed, scratching his head and grinning. "What a _freak_, huh?"

Roxas didn't even hear him properly. He just watched his twin, who sat down too, looking down at his hands.

Sora had really wanted to be friends with the new kids, he could tell. To see his happy, hyper twin like this, with tears in his eyes, barely holding back a sob, made Roxas sad. And _angry_.

"Shut up, Hayner," he said quietly. From the corner of his eyes he could see his friend frowning at him.

"But _he_..." he began, but Roxas interrupted him angrily.

"No, you _shut up_, Hayner!" he hissed, looking at his friend from the corner of his eye, arms crossed on the table. "You started it! You said he was a freak!"

"He _is_!" Hayner insisted offended.

"And how would you know that?" Roxas banged one fist on the table, ignoring his friends' strange looks. "You don't even _know_ him!"

"But his hair, and those dumb tattoos..." Hayner tried to defend himself, but he was interrupted again.

"That's stupid!" Naminé said quietly, frowning at Hayner. "You can't say he's a freak just because of how he looks!"

"Yeah, ever heard of 'Don't judge the book by its cover'?" Olette added angrily.

"He told us his hair color was natural in math, remember?" Selphie chimed in. "He can't help that. And I think it looks kinda cool! All spiky 'n red 'n stuff!"

"But... but he is still strange! He did this math problem today, and he said he figured out thermodynamics all by himself! And... and he likes chemistry!" Hayner exclaimed nervously fidgeting.

"Duh! Maybe he's _smart_?" Kairi had her hands on her hips, a clear signal she was really pissed. "So? What if he likes chemistry? Roxas is right, you don't know anything about him, you _jerk_!"

"But he didn't have to flip like that!" Tidus tried to help Hayner.

"He only flipped when you said that stuff about Demyx," Roxas shouted angrily, again ignoring the odd looks he was receiving. It was out of the ordinary for him to raise his voice like that, but he didn't care. He felt this strange urge to defend the redhead. "And he _told_ us not to bother Demyx! The boy doesn't _speak_, for god's sake!"

"He's right, you know..." Even Pence didn't seem to approve of Hayner's behavior. "It was not nice to talk about Demyx like that. We don't even know _why_ he doesn't speak. And he seems to be very sensitive. I think Axel only wanted to protect him."

"Yeah, and thanks to you all of them won't ever speak to us again!" Kairi stared at Hayner, her eyes flashing a darker shade of violet than usual. "Sora invited them so we could get to know them! I don't really know about Axel, thanks to _you_, but Riku and Zexion were really nice when we met them in class! And Demyx seems to be nice, too!"

Sora sniffed quietly.

The whole table fell silent at once.

"It's my entire fault," Sora whispered sadly, hiding his face in his arms. "I'm so sorry, I just... I j-just wanted t-to be nice t-to t-them... and... and... I thought...I..." He stopped, and to his horror Roxas saw his twin's shoulders jerk slightly.

Roxas hurried to Sora's side, sitting next to his brother and hugging him tightly. Sora latched onto him almost instantly, and Roxas could feel tears soaking his jacket and shirt.

He sent Hayner a glare that would have set the blond boy on fire if looks could kill. So did the others.

Sora was their friend, and it killed them to see him so sad. He was always the happy one, the one who cheered the others up. To see him cry was just terrible.

"Sora, Sora, don't cry..." Roxas whispered into messy chocolate colored spikes. He rubbed soothing circles on Sora's back, trying to calm him down. His other hand stroked his brother's spiky yet soft hair. "Don't cry, brother... come on..."

"T-They won't ever s-speak to us again!" Sora sobbed miserably. "B-but... R-Riku, he was s-so f-funny, and..."

"You know what? We'll follow them and apologize. I have to talk to Axel anyway, Mr. Leonhart suggested I should borrow him my notes..." Roxas smiled when his brother looked up at him, cheeks still wet with tears. Sora's deep blue eyes were impossibly wide, pleading and hopeful.

"You... you think... they will forgive us?" he asked softly, and he smiled when Roxas nodded, still threading one hand through spiky brown locks.

"Are you kidding me? They can't possibly resist the..." Roxas struck a pose, as if he was some kind of ninja in one of this stupid manga series announcing the name of his super-secret super-powerful super-attack. "... TWIN PUPPY DOG EYES!!"

"Oh, my _god_!" Kairi giggled.

"Not the puppy dog eyes!" Olette shielded her face with her arms, trying to block said puppy dog eyes even though they weren't even displayed at the moment.

"That's evil! Nobody can resist _one_ of you two doing that! But _both_? Evil, I say!" Naminé faked a pout when she said this, but she joined the other girls laughing soon. The boy's at the table just chuckled and shook their heads, all but Hayner who was still sulking.

Sora chuckled, wiping his cheeks with both hands.

"You're right!" he laughed, jumping up and grabbing Roxas' arm. "Let's go! C'mon, Roxy, we have to find them!"

Roxas laughed out loud when Sora dragged him out of the cafeteria, ignoring curious stares he was receiving because of it.

He just loved his twin's smile. And he would do anything to keep him smiling.

* * *

**Short Notes (edited):** Hm. Crappy chapter. But it has Uber-protective!Axel in it. Guess it's okay.

It's still a long way to actual AkuRoku action, folks. I hope I don't lose you until then!

_Edit: My God! Has it really been this long since I called Roxas 'Sunshine' first? Wow... Ehm. Well, 'nother YAY for fixed quotation marks!_


	5. Chapter 4

**Summary:** His life had always been perfect, or at least so Roxas had liked to think. But overcoming his own fears for someone else isn't as easy as it seems. When both his own and his lover's past threatens their unstable relationship, Roxas has to face the truth: His life was far from perfect. But at least it was better than Axel's.

**Warnings:** Yaoi. Slight swearing. Zexion is very OOC. So is Riku. And Axel. And Roxas. Damn. And I _still _suck at grammar. Get over it.

**Pairings:** AkuRoku main, RikuxSora, ZexionxDemyx side pairings. Possible LeonxCloud later on. Much, much later though.

**Disclaimer:** Nope. Not mine. There would have been far more yaoi-action going on if the games were mine. /joke

* * *

**Perfect Match - Chapter 4**

The nurse's office wasn't too far away. They reached it in a few minutes, staring at the closed door.

Sora wrung his hands nervously, not yet trying to open the door. He just stared at the knob as if he could open it without actually touching it.

Roxas squeezed his hand again before letting go and grabbing the knob himself.

They stepped into a rather big waiting room with green and white painted walls and comfy looking chairs scattered all around the room. Roxas had once heard the nurse say she didn't see the point in making the waiting room all dark and uncomfortable when the kids waiting _were_ already sick or injured.

And because of that she had redecorated the room, which had been rather gloomy before, when she had started working here. The walls were not only painted in friendly colors, but white, beautifully painted flowers adorned them as well, giving the room an airy, light appearance. It was like sitting in a flower field or something. Also because of the various pots and vases containing different kind of flowers everywhere. The nurse loved flowers.

Two doors led away from this room, one to the actual office, the other to an area where a few beds stood and injured or sick kids could lie down and rest for a while.

They heard voices from inside the office. The door was opened a bit, but the voices still sounded muffled. Roxas listened attentively, but he couldn't make out the words.

"I... I don't think they are ready yet!" Sora whispered nervously. "Do you think we should... dunno... wait?"

Roxas frowned. How long could fixing one bloody nose probably take? He knew the nurse, Miss Gainsborough, was excellent in her job. She seemed to know someone was hurt even before the person was brought to her office. It was not unusual to come here seeing her already preparing everything she needed for the treatment of the injury or holding out a pill and a glass of water to the sick person, smiling softly.

"Don't you think that's odd?" he asked quietly, lowering his voice so the people in the office wouldn't hear him. "Axel was the only one who was injured. Miss Gainsborough should have fixed him by now..."

"Yeah..." Sora agreed, nodding slowly and frowning too. "Odd."

Roxas and Sora stared at each other for a while, still listening to the hushed voices in the next room, still not understanding a word.

Roxas bit his lip, silently tiptoeing to the slightly opened door finally. Curiosity was getting the best of him. It always did. He peeked through the small peek cautiously, feeling Sora sneaking up behind him and eavesdropping too. He knew it wasn't polite, but he was so curious...

Roxas could see Miss Gainsborough, who was sitting at her desk, far too serious for his liking. Usually she was always smiling, always friendly. Roxas had never seen her frown like this. She played with her dark brown, braided hair absently, deep green eyes downcast.

Axel sat on the couch on the other side of the room, one hand holding a wet cloth against his nose. Demyx sat next to him. The mute boy had drawn his knees up to his chest and slung his arms around his legs, chin resting on his knees. Zexion sat on the armrest next to Demyx, arms crossed, looking down. Riku was standing next to the window, looking over the sports field behind the school silently.

Mr. Strife was leaning against the wall next to Riku, arms crossed in front of his chest. He was the one speaking at the moment.

"... no reason to attack Hayner like that," Mr. Strife said quietly.

Axel looked at him, still dabbing his upper lip gingerly with the already bloody cloth.

"I told you I'm sorry," he growled angrily. "But he was making fun of Dem."

"I understand you want to protect Demyx, Axel," Miss Gainsborough said softly, standing up and clasping her hands together, sighing deeply. "But you mustn't get violent because of it. Aren't I right, Demyx?"

The teen with the mullet looked up and shrugged, nodding slightly.

"Look, I'm sorry." Axel sighed, rising from his seat and trotting over to the mirror, wiping the last blood off his face and throwing the cloth away. His nose looked a bit red still, but it didn't even appear to be swollen. "It's just..." He trailed off, shaking his head and running one hand through his vibrant hair, plopping down next to Demyx once again.

"It was a bad idea," Riku stated suddenly from his position next to the window, not even looking at the others. His gaze remained fixed at the sports field where some students seemed to play soccer. His voice sounded odd, soft and sad and angry at the same time. "I should've never accepted the offer to sit with those people."

"Don't say that, Riku." Mr. Strife laid one hand gently on the silver haired boy's shoulder. "It's not your fault."

Roxas and Sora exchanged a surprised look. Mr. Strife never touched other people willingly. He always seemed to flinch away from any sort of physical contact, like Riku had done earlier when Sora had touched him... It was a bit odd, him being a P.E. teacher, but the students got used to it eventually. When he touched somebody he just made sure he had his leather gloves on.

But he wasn't wearing gloves now.

"No, it's mine," Axel muttered darkly.

"No one is to blame for this." Miss Gainsborough sighed again. "It's just... they don't know what happened to you boys."

Silence followed her words. And Roxas found himself wondering what she had meant by that.

"No, they don't," Riku said after a while. "And they mustn't know. We can't tell them."

"You will have to tell somebody someday. Somebody besides me and Aerith. It will kill you if you keep it to yourself forever," Mr. Strife said softly.

"No, we don't have to," Riku shot back heatedly, turning to face their teacher. "Did you? Did you tell anybody about it, Cloud?"

"Yes, I did." Mr. Strife stared back at the slightly smaller boy. "I told someone I care about. It was a relief to tell them, believe me."

Riku was the first one to look away. Roxas wasn't sure, but he thought the silver haired boy's aquamarine eyes looked glossier than before...

The whole room fell silent again.

"I... I just thought..." Riku sighed shakily. He turned his back to Mr. Strife and looked to the floor. His long bangs covered his eyes, but Roxas could still see he was upset. His pale lips twitched slightly. "Sora... he... he was so friendly, and... and happy... I just..."

He stopped and sighed again. Roxas got the distinct feeling the silver haired teen was holding back tears.

"I wish I could be like him," Riku whispered forlornly.

Roxas looked up at his twin's puzzled expression. Sora frowned and pointed one finger at his chest. _Like me?_

Roxas shrugged and shook his head. He didn't understand either.

"I'm sorry," they heard Axel say quietly. The redhead was still looking down at his hands, and his voice was shaking too. "I fucked up pretty bad, didn't I?" He laughed once, and it sounded so bitter Roxas' heart sank. "I fucked up your chance to be friends with them... I'm sorry..."

Roxas felt bad for him. Those beautiful emerald eyes looked dull, not bright and brilliant like they had done when he had first seen him. And he looked even paler than before, the tattoos under his eyes contrasting sharply against the pallor of his skin, thin lips pressed together to keep them from trembling. Axel's gloved hands clenched and unclenched a few times before he fisted them in his abnormal but gorgeous hair, closing his eyes and groaning softly.

It made Roxas want to run in and hug him, kiss him to make it better.

He flinched and suppressed a loud gasp that threatened to escape his lips.

Why was he feeling like this? He didn't know this boy! He still didn't! But he was drawn to him, like a drowning man to air, like a cursed one to salvation, like... like... no, he would not think 'like a moth to a flame'. That was too cliché. Dammit!

A few hours ago he hadn't even known he was able to care so much about anybody besides Sora. Now he wished it was like that again. It hurt so much to see Axel sad, and it confused him to no end...

Sure, Axel was utterly beautiful, he was fascinating and extraordinary, different... but what Roxas felt was more than fascination. It was more than admiration, too. He wanted to reach out to the redhead so badly, he wanted to care for him, he wanted to be able to _feel_... he didn't know. He just knew it _hurt_.

Demyx patted Axel's back softly, looking at him sadly but not voicing a word of comfort. Zexion opened his mouth as if to say something, but he looked away without doing it. His visible eye closed when he sighed sadly.

"Maybe it's better this way." Riku laughed too, but he sounded like he was on the verge of crying, almost sobbing. It was a heartbreaking sound. "If they ever found out about us they probably wouldn't want to be friends with us anyway..."

Roxas looked up at his twin again, and he saw the same determination in Sora's eyes he felt building up in his heart himself.

They stepped back quietly, sneaking out of the room and to the hallway staring at each other for a moment. It was one of these 'Talking without talking out loud'-moments twins seemed to have sometimes. They were communicating silently, just by looking at each other. They knew exactly what the other was thinking.

"I still want to be friends with them," Sora whispered after a while.

"Me too," Roxas nodded. _I_ _want to see Axel smile. I want to be able to feel again, to feel something for him._

"I don't care if they have some kind of dark secret." Sora looked down at his hands. "They are so sad. I want to help."

"We will help," Roxas said confidently, grabbing his twins hand and squeezing again. He smiled at Sora, receiving an equally sweet smile in return.

"Yes." Sora closed his eyes for a second, taking a deep breath. He stepped to the door again, opening it as loudly as humanly possible, stepping into the waiting room again.

"Miss Gainsborough! Miss Gainsborough!" he called out cheerily, stomping into the room rather noisily. "I'm looking for someone, are they here? Miss Gainsborough?"

He grinned and crossed his arms behind his head when the nurse stepped out of her office, smiling sweetly at him.

"Sora! What a pleasure to see you in my office unscathed for once," she said still smiling, closing the door behind her quietly. "What brings you here?"

Roxas followed his twin, nodding a greeting in the nurse's direction.

"Oh, and Roxas? My, I don't see you too often here. What is it?" Miss Gainsborough looked really happy to see them.

"We are looking for the new kids," Roxas explained smiling himself. Her smile was infectious, just like Sora's. It looked so natural and honest on her. "We wanted to apologize for Hayner. What he did was really uncalled for."

"Are they here?" Sora asked, standing on his toes and leaning to the side a bit, trying to look behind the nurse even though the door was closed. "Hey, Riku? You in there? Zexion? Demyx? Axel? Hello?"

"That's nice of you boys." Miss Gainsborough brightened even more, clasping her hands in front of her face. "Could you wait for a minute? I'll be right back."

She stepped back into her office, closing the door once more. They heard mumbling voices again, but they couldn't understand a word. Again.

Sora fidgeted nervously, shifting his weight to one side and back again, plucking on his gloves like he always did when he was nervous.

"What if they don't want to talk to us?" he asked Roxas, but before he could answer, a loud "What?" was exclaimed on the other side of the door. That sounded like Axel. And it was followed by an even louder "NO!" by Riku.

Roxas watched his brothers face fall.

He wanted to kill Riku for that.

But he forgave him quickly when Sora's face lit up again at the sound of the door opening.

Riku stepped out, followed by the other three boys. Riku and Axel looked everywhere but at them, but Demyx smiled brightly, pretty eyes sparkling, and Zexion... well... looked rather indifferent.

"Hey, there you are, guys!" Sora crossed his arms behind his head again and grinned broadly. "You ran away so fast, we didn't even introduce ourselves properly! Wanna try again?"

Riku and Axel stared at him, obviously trying to figure out if he was crazy. Demyx continued to smile, and Zexion hid a small grin behind a hand.

Yes, Sora had that effect on people. Sometimes. When he was in his 'overly excited and annoyingly happy'-mode. Which he was most of the time.

"Soooo... Hi! I'm Sora Harada, I'm sixteen, I like sea salt ice cream and chocolate and any other kind of sweets, really, I love to go to the beach, I do a little kendo, I love to sing really bad, and I like watching stupid movies and annoying the hell out of my friends by quoting them," Sora chattered rather quickly and without breathing once.

Roxas watched the astonished expressions on Riku's and Axel's faces highly amused. Yes, Sora had _that_ effect on people too.

"I like sports, I hate math and I'm on the school's swim team," Sora continued after inhaling once, "I was born in Twilight Town, but my parents decided to move to Destiny Islands when I was really little, I can't remember really much from there... So... eh... Yeah, did I say Roxy here's my brother? He is! Yeah! He's the smart twin."

Sora pushed Roxas forward a little, gesturing him to say something.

Roxas bit his lip to stifle a chuckle that wanted to escape his lips when he looked at Riku and Axel again. They seemed to be completely flattened by Sora's introduction, whereas Demyx and Zexion only smiled.

"I'm Roxas," he introduced himself when he was sure his voice wouldn't crack. "Yes, I'm Sora's twin, and if I'm the smart one, he's the happy one. I'm sure you noticed." He thought for a moment before he added, "I don't appreciate it if someone besides my brother calls me Roxy. I like sea salt ice cream probably even more than Sora does, and I love to eat marshmallows in the morning... I like to draw, and to go to the beach, and I like to learn... yeah, I'm weird like that..." _I like to play with people and break their __hearts;__ I like to hurt them for hurting me. I like to rip their fake masks from their ugly faces to show the world how cruel and shallow they are._

He didn't say the last things out loud. And he kept telling himself he didn't do that anymore.

"That's about all you have to know about me for now," he ended, smiling sweetly at them. "Your turn."

Zexion chuckled amusedly, glancing at his friend's still overwhelmed faces.

"I guess I have to start, then," he exclaimed, still smiling this strange, small smile. "My name is Zexion Kumori, I'm seventeen, I dislike a lot of things, mostly other people... I like to read, though. And I like Creative Writing classes. I'm from Hollow Bastion, like all of us... I speak three languages fluently, four not too bad, three only a little. And I like sushi." He pointed at Demyx who waved happily at them. "His name is Demyx Mizu, he's also seventeen, and he... doesn't like to talk to other people. He's a bit shy in front of strangers, but he's really nice if you get to know him. He likes water. He's like a fish sometimes. Can't hold him down if he's near the sea. And he plays about five or six instruments, mostly his sitar... He likes arts. All kinds of it. Except acting. Yeah. That's all for now, I think. Oh, yes, this is the most you will ever hear me speak, 'cause I like to make people believe I'm emo. Which I'm not," he added as an afterthought.

Sora almost broke down laughing. He propped his hands on his knees, taking deep breaths to calm himself down again. Roxas chuckled, both at Zexion's introduction and his brother's antics.

"Ha... you're funny!" Sora giggled and wiped tears from the corners of his eyes. "_Three_ languages! Fluently! And so many others, too! Pretty impressive! Are you some kind of genius? Hu?"

Zexion just shook his head and hid his smile behind a hand again, probably out of habit. Sora turned to look at Demyx.

"And you play sitar? That's cool!" he exclaimed. "Six instruments? What the hell? I failed at playing triangle, for Christ's sake! Damn, that's so cool!"

Demyx grinned and gave him a thumbs-up. Sora returned the gesture laughing and turned to look at the other two boys who were still staring at him strangely.

"Your turn, guys!" he giggled and grinned at them. "Riku? You want to go next?"

The silver haired teen shook his head once and blinked, obviously waking from his stupor.

"Err... me?" he asked stupidly, pointing at himself.

"Duh! Yes, you! How many Rikus do you see in here?" Sora laughed again, and this time Roxas joined him. The look on Riku's face was priceless.

"Eh... yeah... well... What do you want to know about me?" Riku stuttered. Odd. He didn't strike Roxas as the type to stutter.

"Dunno. Name, what you like, don't like... stuff!" Sora shrugged. "I'd like to know what you want to tell us."

"Eh... okay..." Riku blinked again and thought about it a while. "I'm... Riku Masaki. I'm seventeen, too... and from Hollow Bastion. I like sports... I was on the swim team, back when..." He paused, a hurt look sweeping over his handsome features. "Well... I play soccer. And... I did kendo a long time ago."

"Cool!" Sora clapped once, his eyes sparkling. "Hey, we could spar sometime! None of my friends wants to spar!"

Riku blinked again, but this time a small smile made its way to his lips.

"Sure. I'd... love to," he agreed timidly.

"Great!" Sora looked at the last boy who stared at him with an unreadable expression on his face now. Axel sneered.

"Name's Axel Kouen, and I think this is _stupid_," he snarled. He crossed his arms and looked away when Sora pouted.

"Aw, c'mon!" Sora looked at him, eyes big and pleading. "You're no fun!"

"Yes, pleeeeease!" Roxas joined his twin, his eyes in full 'puppy dog'-mode as well. "Tell us! Something about youuuuu!"

Axel looked up again, about to protest, but he was silenced by two sky blue pairs of adorable puppy dog eyes, along with one irate aquamarine glare.

"Fine. Brats," he huffed, then smirked evilly. "I'm eighteen, I love fire and burning things, I hate people touching my hair, I like chemistry and I absolutely loathe nosy people who want to know stuff about me. Happy now?"

Sora ignored the last sarcastic comment and nodded cheerfully.

"Oh, you like fire? You should go to the annual midsummer festival," he added. "There are huge bonfires all over the beach, and you can burn stuff you want to get rid of yourself. It's fun! We have our own fire every year on our beach, too! Hey, you should come to our fire!"

Axel stared at him again, but this time he looked... interested. His eyes seemed to brighten a bit on hearing about burning stuff.

"It's in two weeks," Roxas added helpfully. "You're welcome if you want to come."

He shivered when emerald eyes turned to look at him. Axel's gaze was so intense...

He turned quickly, looking at the other boys. "All of you are welcome! It's just us and our friends from earlier, nothing big."

Axel's face fell at this. He dropped his gaze to the floor.

"I don't think your friends would appreciate you bringing a _frea__k_ like me to your little party," he growled, but he didn't sound angry. Not at all. He sounded _lost_.

"Oh, forget about that already," Roxas said softly. "Hayner was just a little intimidated by you. He's an idiot sometimes. I apologize for him. But all of them are really nice if you get to know them better."

"I intimidated him?" One red brow rose puzzled. "When did that happen?"

Roxas almost laughed at this. There he stood, this tall guy with his tattoos on his fucking _face_, with those piercing green eyes, spiky red hair and clad in all black, and he didn't know why someone would be intimidated by him?

"Err... you see, you're kinda tall and... you have tattoos, and... you're... eh... uniquely colored... and stuff," Sora exclaimed next to Roxas and trailed off when Axel's expression darkened.

Roxas clamped his hands over his mouth to prevent himself from laughing. _Uniquely colored?_ What the hell?

"I _told _you your outfit looked mean. And you know _very well _how your hair and your tattoos effect some people," Riku smirked. "You _can _be pretty intimidating when you want to be, Pyro."

"Badass," Zexion agreed. Demyx shrugged and nodded.

"So you're saying I _do_ look like a freak?" Axel's shoulders slumped a little. "Gee, thanks a lot."

"I don't think you look like a freak," someone said very softly.

It took Roxas a moment and an odd look from Axel to register it had been _him_ who had said that.

He felt his face heating up and quickly averted his gaze, hoping his hair covered his face at least a little.

"I... I mean... it's probably not because of your looks, but... I think he was just... just intimidated by you because you're smart," he babbled helplessly. "I mean, you did that math problem like it was nothing, and what you said about figuring thermodynamics out by yourself unsettled him a little... maybe?..."

"Anyway!" Sora came to his rescue, "We just wanted to apologize for this ugly scene before, and we... err... wanted to ask you guys if you wanted to hang out sometime? This week? Tomorrow, maybe? After school? 'Round four? Get some ice cream? Okay with you guys?"

"Wait... you still want to hang out with us?" Riku punched Axel's shoulder none too lightly when the redhead was about to comment, no doubt something really sarcastic, but his eyes never left Sora. "Why?"

Sora blinked and scratched his head puzzled.

"What do you mean? Sure we do!" He paused, eyes wide. "Oh... don't you want to anymore?" He bit his lip and looked down sadly, shuffling his feet. "Uhm... I guess after this thing with Hayner... If you don't want to... I-I'm sorry, I just..."

"We'd love to!" Riku called out frantically, grabbing Sora's hand. He looked around to his friends, sending them a pleading look. "Right, guys?"

Roxas noted how shocked his twin looked down at the hand holding his, and he noted the light blush adorning Sora's round cheeks. He smiled.

Demyx nodded smiling, Axel folded his arms and looked down mumbling something that sounded vaguely affirmative.

"Sure we do," Zexion agreed smirking. "You can let go of him already."

Riku's reaction to this was... a bit odd.

First he tilted his head to the side, blinking and frowning a little, opening his mouth to speak. Suddenly he froze, fingers crushing Sora's smaller hand so hard he winced a little, a small whimper escaping the chocolate haired boy's throat.

Hearing the soft sound, Riku's head turned to stare down at his hand still holding Sora's, and his pale face lost every last bit of color it had contained before. His aqua eyes widened as he pulled his hand away abruptly. He stared at his limb amazed, as if he couldn't believe he had touched Sora...

Roxas remembered him flinching away when Sora had touched him earlier...

Sora held his hand against his chest, staring at the silver haired boy confused.

Riku stared back, obviously still in shock.

Roxas waited a while before speaking up again, since nobody else seemed to do anything. _Especially_ not Sora and Riku.

"Uhm... Sora? I think we'll be late for class..." he said, nudging his twin's shoulder. "Miss Lockhart won't be happy if we are."

"Hu? Oh!" Sora jumped and shook his hand once, letting it fall to his side again. "You're right! We... we should go! Eh... you too, if you don't want to be late..." He didn't dare to look at Riku, but grinned at Zexion instead. "Man, I hate Creative Writing! I so suck at that!"

"Oh, you are in Creative Writing now?" Zexion asked. "Me and Dem, too!"

"Oh! Great!" Sora laughed nervously. "Let's go, then! What do you guys have?" He turned to look at Axel.

"Biology," the redhead answered darkly. "Man, I hate that..."

"I thought you liked scientific classes?" Roxas asked confused and blushed when Axel smirked.

"No, just chemistry," he answered. "And only parts of it."

"Parts that include some kind of fast oxidation?" Roxas assumed. Axel's face brightened and he nodded grinning broadly.

"Fast what?" Sora's eyes trailed between them confused.

"Combustion," Zexion explained calmly. "Burning things."

"Oh. Okay." Sora tilted his head to one side thoughtfully. "Eh, you should be warned... Mr. Marluxia is... uhm..." He trailed off, scratching his head.

"Crazy?" Roxas offered.

"_Eccentric_." Sora shot his twin a dark look. "Don't make fun of his hair."

"Okay. I'll commit it to memory." Axel smirked and tipped two fingers against his temple. "Bye!"

Roxas and Sora waved and turned to lead Zexion and Demyx to their next class. But Roxas looked back when Axel called out his name.

He liked the sound of that...

"I forgot to ask... your notes? Math?" Axel grinned sheepishly. "Can I still have them?"

"Oh, right! Of course!" Roxas felt his face heating up again. How could he forget that? Damn! "I... I don't have them here, they're at home... Do you... Would you like to... to... come with me? After school?"

"Yeah, sounds good..." Axel looked at Roxas in a way that made his nerves tingle with excitement. So... thoughtful and intense and... and...

How could a man be so _beautiful_?

Roxas caught himself wanting to lean closer, wanting to taste the other boy's lips, wanting to... to...

He quickly averted his gaze before he lost himself in those emerald depths.

"M-Meet me at the gates. Four o'clock," he mumbled before he turned again.

His blush returned full force when a warm hand held him back.

"Why did you draw me?"

Roxas wanted to die right then.

"I... I don't know what you're talking about!" he lied not looking back, trying to free his arm from Axel's grasp. "I'll be late..."

"I saw the drawing. After math," Axel interrupted him softly. "Why did you do it?"

"I... I..." Roxas tried to break away again, this time successfully. But his legs didn't obey him. He couldn't run away. But how could he explain something he didn't understand himself? Why had he drawn the red haired boy? He just didn't know! "I just... I told you, I like to draw... I like to draw interesting people, that's all..."

Why did it feel so wrong to lie to Axel?

"So you think I'm interesting?" Axel's voice sounded amused.

"I..." Roxas blushed even harder. Why did he blush like that? Dammit, he had never blushed like a schoolgirl in front of her crush before! Why now? "I have to go!"

He gained control over his slightly shaking limbs again at last, running away as fast as he could.

But he stopped again when he turned around the first corner.

Cerulean eyes identically to Roxas' own met his. Sora glared at him, hands balled into tight fists, his whole body shaking.

"You... you _drew_ him?" he asked so icily Roxas couldn't believe his dear brother, his 'happy twin', _Sora_ was the one who was speaking the words. "You _fucking_ drew him?"

He was mad. Sora never swore. Never...

"It's not like that!" Roxas cried and tried to take his brother's hand, but Sora stepped back, shying away from his touch. "Please... Sora..."

"You promised!" Sora screamed, tears welling up in his beautiful eyes. "You _promised_, Roxas! You promised me just _today_ you would stop!"

"Sora..." Roxas felt tears burning in his own eyes. He blinked to make them go away, but they didn't. His vision went blurry, but he could still see the rage and sadness, the bitter disappointment in his brother's eyes.

"No! I don't want to hear your excuses! You promised, and you broke it!" Sora hissed, swatting Roxas' hand away. "I really thought you would do it! For me! Why did you lie to me?"

"I didn't lie to you!" Roxas sobbed, unable to control his emotions anymore. He had never seen his twin this angry. He felt his heart shatter, felt his blood running cold in his veins, felt his breath hitch in his throat, felt this urge to explain, to make Sora understand. He reached out again, but Sora turned away with one last, disappointed look at him.

"Forget it. I see how it is. A promise to me isn't important enough obviously." Sora sighed, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. "Forget our movie night. I'm staying at Kairi's tonight."

"Sora!" Roxas cried out desperately, leaning heavily against a wall to prevent himself from falling because his knees almost gave out under him.

But Sora didn't even look at him. He just walked away.

Roxas fell to his knees sobbing, hugging himself in a desperate attempt to keep himself from falling apart. It hurt, it hurt so badly, he just wanted it to stop... He couldn't stand his brother being angry with him. He hated himself, just for being his cheating, useless, self-conscious self. For disappointing Sora, his light, his life...

For not being able to be alone.

* * *

**Short Notes (edited):** Huuuu, angsty... Hehe, I like making Roxas cry. Am I a bad person because of that?

Okay, I am. Shit.

Hey, would you look at that! I got my first cookie!

... :D

I'LL KEEP IT AS A LUCKY CHARM!! 8D

He. Yeah, anyway, I know the story develops rather slowly, but I don't want to rush it. I _hate _it when parts of a story are rushed because people want more _action _or something like that. This _will _be a really long fanfic if I can write all the things spooking round in my head down properly. It will take some time till secrets are revealed and relationships are formed. All the boys have _issues_, I'm sure you noticed. I want to go slow on them. I hope I don't lose you, my faithful readers, until then.

I want to thank all of you who reviewed. You are so **awesome**! Thank you, thank you, thank you! You keep me writing even though I should be learning for my written exams right now...

Dang. I knew I forgot something.

Doesn't matter. Thank you!

_Edit: ... Pretty useless edit, because I edited nothing but quotation marks. _


	6. Chapter 5

**Summary:** His life had always been perfect, or at least so Roxas had liked to think. But overcoming his own fears for someone else isn't as easy as it seems. When both his own and his lover's past threatens their unstable relationship, Roxas has to face the truth: His life was far from perfect. But at least it was better than Axel's.

**Warnings:** Yaoi. Slight swearing. And Roxas is a teenager. With hormones and stuff. And a vivid imagination. 8D Nothing too graphic, though. Oh, yeah, and my disability to figure out English grammar. But you already know that.

**Pairings:** AkuRoku main, RikuxSora, ZexionxDemyx side pairings. Possible LeonxCloud later on. Much, much later though.

**Disclaimer:** Yeah, right, as if I would write fanfiction if Kingdom Hearts and all characters in it were mine! Screw you, Squareenix! And screw you, Disney! I will make them mine someday, you'll see!

No. Dudes, no, I didn't mean it like that. Honestly, thank you very much for creating Kingdom Hearts, with all those amazing characters in it. But, if you ever stop the series, could I have the characters then? Think about it! Thanks, bye!

* * *

**Perfect Match - Chapter 5**

Roxas was late for his next class, but luckily his teacher, Miss Lockhart, didn't mind. She was busy discussing one of Zexion's works he seemed to have shown her with the blue haired boy.

He just mumbled an excuse and sat down when she waved at him absently. Zexion looked at him for a second before answering another question hesitantly.

Sora sat next to him, but he showed no sign of acknowledge. He was busy writing notes with Demyx, who also looked up at Roxas briefly, then sent Sora a worried look. He scribbled another note and passed it to Sora, but Roxas' brother just crumpled the note and threw it away after reading it. His smile never wavered, but it didn't reach his eyes. His cerulean orbs were cold and hurt.

Demyx looked at Roxas again, but Roxas looked away, staring out of the window.

He didn't remember much after that. He vaguely recalled Miss Lockhart praising Zexion's work for a whole lesson. He was really good at writing, it seemed.

After the lesson Sora walked past him, still ignoring him.

Roxas grabbed his brother's arm and tried to say something, but Sora batted his hand away so violently Roxas let out a yelp of pain, cradling his hand to his chest.

Sora didn't even look at him.

Roxas stared down at the scratched wooden surface, full of randomly scribbled doodles, holding his hand and clenching it into a tight, shaking fist, relishing the pain the motion caused.

At least the physical pain helped him to push away the pain in his heart, the pain eating away in his mind, the pain numbing his body, freezing his soul.

He felt numb. Cold. Empty. Alone.

He had never been alone. He _couldn'__t_ be alone.

He couldn't breathe properly anymore. A lump had formed in his throat, nearly choking him. He gasped, tried to fill his lungs with air. He felt so cold, so _cold_...

"Roxas?"

His head jerked up to meet the worried gaze of his teacher. Miss Lockhart looked down at him, her expression unusually soft.

"You don't look too well, kid," she said kindly, tucking strands of her long, dark hair behind her ear. "Something wrong?"

Something? _Everything_! Everything was wrong!

"Nothing," he lied, his voice dull and devoid of emotions. "I just... didn't sleep well last night."

She wanted to add something, but he never heard what it was. He grabbed his bag, and within a minute he was out, ignoring some people who wanted to talk to him, avoiding everyone's eyes, brushing past other people rather roughly, unfeeling, uncaring.

He followed the bulk of students walking to their classes mechanically, catching himself searching for chocolate colored spikes in the crowd, but Sora was gone.

He felt... nothing.

He wanted to be angry, wanted to be sad, wanted to feel _something_, but there was nothing. He was empty.

He wanted to be angry because Sora had so readily jumped into conclusions and wouldn't let him explain. But he couldn't, because Sora was _right_. He _was_ a useless, cheating bastard. Why did he draw Axel if not because he wanted him?

He wanted to be sad because Sora was mad at him, for the first time in his life. But he couldn't, because his broken, bleeding heart still wouldn't believe it. Sora was his forgiving, cheerful, loving brother, his _light_. Why didn't he laugh and wave it all aside like he always did?

He wanted to scream, he wanted to cry, he wanted to _feel_, but he just went along with all the others, numb and not able to think, not able to feel, voices and laughter and noises sounding hushed and dull in his ears, colors fading to different shades of gray.

He sat down in his usual seat at the back of his last class for the day. He barely paid attention what Mr. Highwind told them about the history of Hollow Bastion, formerly known as Radiant Garden, although his explanations were always very... vivid. Normally Roxas would have listened intently, laughing with the others at Mr. Highwind's crude jokes and colorful language.

But today he found himself unable to do so.

He ignored Naminé, who tried to ask him what was wrong a couple of times. She exchanged worried looks with Kairi, who sat next to her, but she didn't pry further.

He stared out of the window the whole lesson, almost missing the shrill ringing of the bell, signaling the end of today's torture for tired students.

He dragged himself out of the room, once again following the crowd. Mindless chattering, happy laughter, playful shouting reached his ears, never reaching _him_.

He looked down at his black and white sneakers, lips set in a tight line, brows furrowed, never looking up as he made his way to the front gates.

One unlucky girl chose this wrongest of all days possible to approach him, stammered about how long she had watched him from afar, how long she had loved him, how long she had wanted to be with him.

He didn't say anything to her. He just glared at her, beautiful blue eyes cold and full of anger, shoving her away rudely.

She ran away crying. He didn't care. And he hated himself for not caring.

Sora would have cared. Sora always cared. Sora cared about everybody. Sora was the _caring_ twin.

A vaguely familiar voice saying his name caught his attention. He stopped dead in his tracks, staring at the owner of this voice.

"... Roxas will just drop you. Trust me. He'll just..."

Blond hair. Blue eyes. Really pretty. This Jess girl from yesterday...

And she was talking to...

"What. The. _Fuck_. Are you talking about, Strange Girl I Don't Know?"

Axel.

Shit.

"Look, I'm only trying to help you!" the blonde said, smiling sweetly at a pissed off looking redhead.

"You would help me if you'd just _fuck off_ so I wouldn't have to look at your damn _face_ anymore, Missy!" Axel hissed irritably.

Jess huffed and stuck her pretty little nose high up in the air. "Well, you'll see. I heard you two talking today. I know you're going home with him. He just wants you for fun, he'll drop you tomorrow... He will use you and drop you like..."

"Well, _you_ see..." Suddenly the expression on Axel's handsome face changed from 'pissed off' to 'eerily calm' in a matter of seconds. He even smiled brightly, causing Jess (and a few other girls watching them, Roxas noted amusedly) to blush. "I don't _care_! And if you don't leave me alone this instant, I'll _fucking_ find out where you _fucking_ live and will burn all your _fucking_ plushies along with your _fucking_ house, your _fucking_ pets and your _fucking_ family!" he said, still smiling this strange, fake smile. He even added a very happy, very weird sounding "_Fuck_!" in an almost _singing_ voice for emphasis.

Jess stepped back, raising her arms as if to defend herself. Her pretty eyes were wide and frightened as she stared at the still smiling redhead. Axel's beautiful voice was _dripping_ with faked cheerfulness, giving his words an even scarier note.

But then his face darkened again. "Never, fucking _ever_ talk to me again, Missy!" He smirked coldly, tipping two fingers against his temple. "Got it memorized?"

The pretty blonde paled, turned on her heels and ran away.

Axel frowned, scrunching up his nose in disgust as he watched her hasty retreat.

A distraught chuckle escaped Roxas' lips. He was one son of a bitch, wasn't he? He was a goddamned _whore_!

Axel pulled the strap of his bag a little higher on his shoulder, pulling a pack of cigarettes out of the pocket of his long black coat. He clamped one of the little white sticks between his thin lips, pulling out a silver lighter and flicking it open with a quick jerk of his slender hand, lighting it with a practiced motion. He held the small flame to the tip of the cigarette, inhaling deeply and staring at the flame for a second before flicking the lighter closed again.

Roxas wished he was that small white stick... clinging to those lips, being able to taste the beautiful redhead...

He watched mesmerized as Axel took another drag, clicking the lighter in his other hand open and shut absently, piercing green eyes gazing lazily across the mass of students leaving school. The redhead's slender fingers played with the lighter, letting it wander over his gloved knuckles in a fluid motion before gripping it tightly once again. He exhaled slowly, white smoke drifting upwards, forming beautifully fragile shapes before dissolving into thin air.

Perfectly arched red brows rose when Axel's bright emerald eyes finally came to rest on Roxas' cerulean ones. The scowl marring his features lightened slightly, a small smirk making its way to his lips once more.

Roxas was enchanted by that smirk. His eyes were magically drawn to those lips. He wondered if they were as soft as they looked like, or if they were chapped or dry...

"Hey, Sunshine!" Axel called out a little slurred, cigarette still hanging in the corner of his mouth. "You're late. Was afraid you _ditched_ me."

He wondered if the redhead knew how incredibly _sexy_ he looked this very moment, free hand resting on his slender hip, head tilted slightly to the side, spiky, fiery red hair and long black coat moving gently in a breeze, bright eyes sparkling in the sunlight.

Roxas felt a smile tug at his lips, but he covered it quickly with a frown. Which looked more like a pout on him, really. Damn his overly _cute_ features.

"I just... had something to do," he replied lamely.

Axel nodded, letting the lighter slide into a pocket of his coat. He looked Roxas over once before taking another drag and adding a deadly serious, "You look like _shit_."

"Charming," Roxas growled, narrowing his eyes at the redhead. Well, he probably _did_ look like shit. He knew he had to be paler than usual, and his eyes felt dry and heavy, but it wasn't too bad. Was it? Oh God, he hoped not...

But he paused his thoughts about how this could ruin his image as the perfect, rich little boy when he noticed Axel looking strangely... uneasy. The redhead seemed hesitant about saying something, distracting himself by playing with the cigarette in his hand, opening his mouth and closing it again.

He looked up again finally, locking his gaze with Roxas'. Roxas shuddered slightly.

"Was it... was it because of me?" Axel asked tentatively. He ran his free hand through fiery red spikes, letting it drop to his side again, then gripping the strap of his bag. "I... heard Sora yelling at you."

There it was again. This cold, numbing feeling in his chest.

"It wasn't your fault," he replied quietly, looking down. _It was __mine. It was always my fault. I'm the reason Sora is unhappy. I'm the reason he'__s angry._

He didn't say that out loud of course. He forced a smile on his face, looking up again.

Axel didn't seem convinced.

"Really, it was nothing. Just a little quarrel between brothers. Happens all the time," he tried to reassure the redhead, still smiling this wrong, hurtful smile. _No, that is a lie. We never argue. Sora was never angry at me, no matter what I did. It _is _your fault. Because you are beautiful and alluring, and I want to kiss you, to touch you so badly it _hurts_... because you bewitched me, made me draw you, __made__ me break my promise to Sora..._

"Whatever you say, Sunshine," Axel said, obviously still skeptic but accepting Roxas' answer for now.

Roxas was grateful for that.

"What's with that stupid nickname?" he huffed to break the tension building between them, striding past Axel. He heard a quiet chuckle behind him, and the small sound made his heart flutter pleasantly in his chest. Axel caught up to him quickly, being at least two heads taller than Roxas making it easy to keep up with him. Roxas' nose caught a whiff of smoke, mixed with a nearly imperceptible trace of cinnamon and caramel.

"Why, your sunny personality _screams_ for a nickname like that, don'tcha think? Not to mention your hair," the redhead said grinning, taking another drag from his cigarette and chuckling again when Roxas glared at him. "Ha! Exactly what I mean. _Sunshine_."

"Whatever you say, _Flamer_," Roxas smirked and chuckled himself when Axel blinked surprised.

"_Ouch_!" the redhead exclaimed a bit taken aback. "Well, didn't see that one coming. Nice one, though."

"Oh, don't tell me nobody ever called you that," Roxas said. "That's so... obvious!"

"Is that so?" Axel asked amusedly, taking a last drag from his cigarette and dropping it to the ground carelessly.

Roxas couldn't help the light blush rising to his cheeks. He stared straight ahead, not trusting himself to speak if he looked at the beautiful boy walking next to him.

"Yeah... well, you like fire. And your hair _looks_ like flames. And... you're wearing fucking make-up!" he sputtered without thinking, slapping his hand over his mouth shocked when his mind finally registered what he had said.

Fuck! Way to go, stupid!

There he was, walking home with this absolutely gorgeous, fucking _breathtaking_ redhead, and he just called him a fucking _Flamer. _After knowing him for what? Eight hours? _Stupid_!

"I do not," Axel replied puzzled. "I told you the tattoos were real."

"But your _eyes_..." Again the words spilled from his mouth before he could stop himself. Roxas wanted to slap himself.

Oh, God, he couldn't even look at the redhead...

"What?" Now Axel sounded honestly confused. "No, I don't wear make-up."

"But..." Roxas looked up, against his will. And fell silent when he looked into Axel's breathtakingly beautiful eyes.

He was right. No make-up. No eyeliner, no mascara, nothing. Just really long, oddly feminine, naturally dark lashes framing surreal bright emerald eyes. _Weird_.

"Eh... Sunshine? You there?" Axel waved one hand in front of Roxas' eyes.

An unnatural heat rose into Roxas' cheeks, and his eyes widened horrified. He thought his cheeks were literally _burning_.

And yet he couldn't help but stare.

It took every ounce of willpower he had to look away, and when he finally did he wanted to die right there and then. He stared at the ground, willing the earth to open up and swallow him, but it didn't seem to be very impressed by his glare. Meaning he still had to walk next to a seemingly confused redhead who was staring at him oddly now.

An uncomfortable silence engulfed them. Roxas had never been so relieved to see his house.

Axel took another two steps before noticing Roxas had stopped in front of the mansion gates. Roxas tipped his private combination into the keypad next to the gates, careful not to mix the numbers up like Sora often did. He waited patiently until the sensor next to the door scanned and recognized the RFID-chip embedded in the fabric of his wristband. A small green light next to the keyboard blinked, signaling positive identification. The gates opened silently, letting the two boys pass.

"Neat," Axel commented dryly.

"Yeah," Roxas replied.

They fell silent again, but this time Roxas dared to peek at the redhead from the corners of his eyes, trying to read his expression.

It was odd. Usually people who saw his house for the first time wouldn't stop babbling about how great it was. And all he got from Axel was a mildly interested 'Neat'?

But he really didn't seem to be too impressed. He just looked around the garden and once over the front of the mansion itself before looking down at the ground before him.

Roxas was disappointed somehow. He had hoped for another reaction...

He grimaced and suppressed a frustrated groan. He didn't want to do this! He didn't want Axel to be impressed! He didn't want to 'test' Axel...

The front door unlocked automatically, responding to the chip in Roxas' wristband, shutting off the mansion's alarm system in the process.

Roxas opened the door and walked in, sliding off his shoes as he went. He heard a quiet rustling of fabric behind him as Axel did the same.

They passed the big best room quickly, Roxas leading them to the huge living room.

Roxas liked this room best... next to his own room, of course. The private living room was huge, but cozy, with light cream colored walls and all white and black furniture, paintings on the walls creating specks of pure color in the room. The west wall was one big glass front, leading out to the back of the mansion, the flower garden and the adjacent private beach. The view was phenomenal, like a beautiful painting, palm trees swaying gently in a light, salty breeze, the sea calm, waves rolling onto the shore lazily, and the sky blue, with tiny white clouds marring its perfection.

He turned and smiled at Axel, knowing the smile on his face was purely faked, but unable to stop himself. It was like he ran on autopilot, trying to charm his prey into falling for him. Like he had always done.

"Sit down, I'll just get my stuff," he said quickly, leaving Axel alone in the living room.

He ran up the stairs to his room, only slowing down when he passed the closed door to Sora's room.

He stared sadly at the door, at a colorful picture attached to the cool, dark wood displaying Sora's name in messily drawn letters, surrounded by palm trees and fishes and stars.

He remembered drawing that. He had been five at that time, and they had just moved here from Twilight Town. He had only been able to write Sora's name because it had the same letters as his own in it, and he hadn't been able to write anything else at that time. He remembered Sora laughing happily when he saw it, instantly hugging his little brother and running to their father, begging him to put the drawing onto his door. He remembered Sora saying that now this room was _really_ his.

And he had never taken it off. Not even when their father had told him to because they were too old for that and it looked out of place in the otherwise perfect hallway.

Maybe he would take it off when he saw it next time. Sad and angry, because Roxas had broken his promise...

Roxas took in a shaky breath, sounding almost like a choked sob.

Why wouldn't Sora let him _explain_?

He hurried to his own room, grabbing a folder from a shelf with badly trembling hands, nearly dropping the folder. He closed his eyes, pressing the folder against his chest, letting out another sob. He tried to calm down his erratic breathing, but he couldn't restrain one single tear escaping his eyes, trailing down one pale cheek.

He wiped his cheek hastily, blinking tears away and standing straight. This was ridiculous! He was sixteen, for God's sake! He didn't need his brother to hold his hand every single minute of his life, dammit! So what if Sora wanted to spend a night at Kairi's? Nothing to be so upset about! They would make up tomorrow, Sora would have calmed down by then, and Roxas would explain everything to him...

He repeated this over and over again, like a mantra. He still whispered it when he passed Sora's room again, this time not looking at the door, closing his eyes and reassuring himself tomorrow all would be better, tomorrow he would _explain_...

He repeated it when he descended the stairs, and he repeated it in his head when he stopped into the living room again.

And then the thought fled his head.

The folder in his hands fell from his suddenly weak grasp, hitting the floor with a small thud.

The sun was setting. The sun was setting, bathing the living room in beautiful shades of orange and red and gold. The sun was setting, casting a surreal, golden and orange glow around a tall, slender figure standing in the glass door leading to the flower garden.

Axel's coat and bag were cast aside, lying forgotten on the couch, leaving him in his red and black shirt and black pants. One hand still in one of these fingerless gloves lay on the door frame, long fingers drumming a strange beat against the glass. The wind pulled at his clothes, lifting his shirt a little to expose pale, pale skin over pants riding dangerously low on slender hips. His long hair swayed gently in the soft breeze, ruffling blood red spikes. In this terribly beautiful light it looked like real flames, red flames dancing around his head, licking at the collar around his pale, delicate throat. Bright eyes were half-lidded to shield them against the setting sun, pale face glowing in this celestial light, a light casting shadows on sharp features, accentuating black markings on pale cheeks and giving this face an almost angelic, delicate, frail appearance.

This sight was so unreal and yet beautiful Roxas forgot how to breathe for a moment. He gasped when his lungs started to burn and screamed for air, causing this angelic creature to flinch and look at him, emerald eyes widening a fraction, traveling to the forgotten folder at Roxas' feet.

A slightly puzzled look made its way to Axel's handsome face, but he didn't say a word. He just turned around and strode back to the couch, grabbing his coat and shrugging it back on, staring at Roxas expectantly.

Roxas bent down quickly, snatching the folder from the ground and holding it in front of him like a shield when he looked back at Axel.

"Nice view," the redhead broke the silence first. "I just thought it was funny. Y'know, it's just 'round five and the sun is already setting... it's weird having February and a weather like May back home..." He trailed off, tilting his head slightly to the side. "Something wrong, kid?"

Roxas just stared at him wide-eyed and shaking, still trying to catch his breath and gain back his senses.

"No..." he whispered hoarsely. _Yes!_, he screamed in his head. _I can'__t hold myself back anymore if you look at me like that! I want to jump you right now and kiss you and drag you to my room and I want to fuck you senseless, I want you to cry out my name, I want to cry out _your_ name..._

He gulped thickly, trying to restrain the images dancing through his head. Images of him and Axel, kissing and licking and biting each other's naked skin, tearing off offending clothing, hands and lips exploring, sweaty bodies moving together... the air filled with moans and cries of pure ecstasy...

Was it just him or was it way too hot in this room?

_Fuck_!

He was losing control. And he didn't like that one bit.

He had always been the one controlling his prey. _Always_. He never lost control when he kissed them, always kept a clear head, never lost himself in the heat of the moment. _He_ was the one pushing away before things got... heated up.

And he hadn't even _touched_ Axel, and yet he was _losing control_!

"Err... Sunshine?" Axel scratched his head confused. "Could I... y'know... have them? Your notes?"

Roxas flinched violently, blushing at least seven shades of red. His face felt so hot he feared his eyes were _cooking_ in their sockets...

He held out the folder with trembling arms, nearly dropping it again.

And he had to suppress a groan when Axel touched his hand while grabbing the folder. It felt like lightning, like fire burning in his veins, just the slightest touch of warm fingers against his hand, and yet he almost fell to his knees, his legs almost failing to support his weight.

"Woah... you really alright?" The warm hand closed around his arm. Axel laid the folder aside carefully, looking down at Roxas a little worried.

Roxas looked up at him still trembling, suddenly registering the close proximity between them, feeling the warm hand on his arm, seeing the worry in those emerald depths, smelling smoke and cinnamon and caramel.

His brain shut down completely.

The next thing he knew was him sitting on Axel, straddling the older boy's hips, hands fastening in surprisingly soft, red locks. Axel lay on the couch now, staring up at Roxas wide-eyed, his mouth opened slightly.

So tempting... so _inviting_...

Roxas leaned closer, closing his eyes, craving to taste the redhead...

... and was stopped by warm fingers on his lips.

He opened his eyes again, looking down at the redhead beneath him startled... and froze.

"What in _Holy Fuck__'__s _name are you doing?" Axel hissed, his voice full of pure hatred and disgust... and something Roxas couldn't quite place.

Roxas noted the other boy's breathing was slightly erratic. And he noted Axel's pupils were dilated, his eyes flashing a darker shade of green. The hand on Roxas' lips was trembling.

Oh God, what _was_ he doing? Had he really just... tried to...?

"Get off!" Axel spat hatefully, shaking even harder than before. He tried to shove Roxas off of him, but his hands were still trembling too much. He looked deadly pale. "Get _off_!"

"I'm sorry!" Roxas gasped, trying to scramble off the redhead. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to..."

"GET OFF!!" Axel suddenly roared, shoving Roxas off him hard and jumping up.

Roxas landed on his butt, a surprised cry falling from his lips. He tried to stand up and touch Axel's arm, but the redhead shied away from his touch, even paler than before if possible.

"Don't touch me!" he hissed menacingly, taking a step back and raising his hands in a protective gesture. "Stay the fuck away from me, you sick freak! DON'T TOUCH ME!!"

Roxas reached out again, but again Axel wouldn't let him touch him. The redhead just spun around, grabbing his backpack before he ran out of the room as fast as he could.

Roxas stared at the door for a long time, trying to understand what had just happened.

It was only when the sun had finally set and darkness began to seep into the room he realized something.

He was alone. He had fucked up big time. Axel probably hated him now. Sora _certainly_ hated him. He was alone in this big house, completely alone...

He pulled himself onto the couch, curling up into a fetal position, shivering and staring unblinkingly into the darkness.

He couldn't be alone... He couldn't be alone... He was alone... He was alone... _Alone_...

"Sora..." he whimpered before darkness engulfed his senses.

* * *

**Short Notes (edited): **Guess what? I'm back! Sorry for keeping you waiting. This chapter was a bitch to write. A bitch, I tell you!

Hehe... Yes, Roxas jumped Axel. And yes, Axel didn't like it. Not really. No. And Roxas is terrified of being alone. Yeah, he's such a crybaby! Awww... but so cute...

Great. Now I feel bad for him.

Okay, I just wanted to explain a few things some of you people pointed out to me...

First: The quotation marks in the first chapters are wrong. That's because I'm from Austria. We write them like that. I'm sorry, I didn't notice my OpenOffice still corrected it automatically. I've fixed that, but I don't want to post the previous chapters again because of it. Bear with me. But thank you for pointing it out to me! _(Edit: BUT THEY'RE ALL FIXED NOW!!!! ... I hope.)_

Second: Somebody pointed out Axel shouldn't tilt his head back in chapter 4 in Aerith' office, 'cause no nurse would tell him to do so if she knows what she's doing... Well, yeah. True. But I still wanted him to, because a friend of mine was in the nurses office with a bloody nose once and kept tilting his head back despite the nurse (who always reminded me of Aerith. It was creepy, she even braided her hair like that!) telling him not to... he still did it, just to annoy her. It was the first time I heard her yelling at someone. Sorry I didn't explain that, but I thought Axel would be like that too, not listening to anybody and being stubborn...

That didn't make any sense, did it? _(Edit: Screw it, I just deleted that anyway. Forget it.)_

Anyway, Third: Somebody told me my grammar was improving. I don't believe you. Period. But it's nice you said it._(Edit: I still don't believe it, so don't even try.)_**  
**

And the last one: I think I failed one of my written exams. Stupid measurement and control technology! Who needs that, I ask you? WHY DOES ANYBODY BELIEVE I WILL NEED STUPID BODE-DIAGRAMS IN MY FUTURE CAREER AS BIOCHEMIST? FUCK!! Heh. Yeah, well, I'm a little down because of that, and that means more angst for you. I'm not in the mood to write something happy. Sorry. _(Edit: I actually passed them all. :D)_


	7. Chapter 6

**Summary:** His life had always been perfect, or at least so Roxas had liked to think. But overcoming his own fears for someone else isn't as easy as it seems. When both his own and his lover's past threatens their unstable relationship, Roxas has to face the truth: His life was far from perfect. But at least it was better than Axel's.

**Warnings:** Yaoi. Angst...y...ish. A little. In the first part of this chapter. And I won't talk about my war with English grammar again. Because if it didn't bother you until now, well... then you like the story, I think. Yay!

**Pairings:** AkuRoku main, RikuxSora, ZexionxDemyx side pairings. Possible LeonxCloud later on. Much, much later though.

**Disclaimer:** AS IF!!!

* * *

**Perfect Match - Chapter 6**

Shadows crawled out of the dark, trying to devour him, trying to soothe the pain, trying to drive him crazy, smothering him in a dark, warm blanket, making it hard to breathe.

The darkness didn't go away, even when the first rays of the moon illuminated the suddenly cold and empty looking room. The darkness still lingered behind his eyes; shadows were still lurking around him.

The breeze drifting through the still opened glass door was warm, like it always was on this small island, yet he shivered from the coldness in his heart.

He lay there, still curled up, eyes still open, unable to see anything, unable to breathe properly.

Sometimes a small sob or whimper was uttered, the only sound to be heard in the empty, cold mansion, next to the calm sound of waves rolling onto the warm sand.

The darkness still remained when finally the sun rose again, casting a warm glow on the endless sea.

He didn't see it. He still only saw the shadows, the darkness.

His thoughts circled around one thing. _He had broken his promise to Sora._

He had broken his promise. His brother hated him. He was worthless, useless, weak, alone. He had tried; he had really tried, but...

... Axel had looked so angelic, he had been so warm, so alluring...

... He had had to touch him, he had been so desperate to kiss him, he had needed to feel this warmth, his whole being had yearned for a simple touch...

... Axel had pushed him away. Axel didn't want him. It was the first time somebody had pushed him away. It was the first time in his life he craved another being so much his heart hurt, but he was pushed away...

... He was not worth to be loved. He was not worth to be with somebody else. He had hurt too many people, had played his cruel game for far too long...

... Axel had pushed him away. He had offered himself to the beautiful flame haired boy, he had wanted to be with him, he had... he had...

... He had flung himself at the redhead like all these girls and boys had done when they had been with him. He was no better than them. He was worse, he was a hypocrite, a liar... He had been ready to do what he had always _despised_ others doing to him...

... He was no better than a filthy _whore_... ready to give away his virginity to a boy he barely knew, whom he had first seen a few hours ago...

... He was like everybody else... Trying to use Axel to satisfy his needs, trying to seduce him, use him... like everybody else...

... Sora had asked him to stop. He had promised...

... _Sora hated him_...

Tears flowed freely over reddened cheeks, dampening the soft fabric of the couch he was resting on. He didn't notice. He heard Sora's voice telling him he hated him, heard Axel shout at him not to come near him again... He only saw his brother turning away from him, fading into darkness, out of reach...

He was useless. He felt dirty. Nobody would ever love him.

Still crying silently he scrambled to his feet, stumbling out of the room, his legs weak and trembling so hard he almost fell a few times. He didn't really see where he was going, and he bumped into a small table, sending an expensive vase crashing to the floor. He didn't care. He didn't even register when sharp porcelain shards cut into his hands and knees when he fell down, cutting through the thin fabric of his pants. He just stood again and fell against the wall, stepping on the shards and cutting his feet, but he continued walking until his fumbling hands found a door, opening it clumsily. He dragged himself into a cool, white and blue tiled room and fell against the bathtub, tears blurring his vision so much he failed to grab the handle first.

He crawled into the porcelain tube, sitting under the burning hot spray of water, knees drawn up to his chin and hugging himself, shivering and crying and rocking back and forth softly, hoping the scalding water could wash away this feeling of being dirty, hoping it could soothe the cold feeling in his heart.

His clothes were drenched quickly, leaving him even colder than before, despite the hot water raining down on him. Water droplets mingled with hot tears on his cheeks, his wet hair drooping and clinging to his head, his face. His whole body was suddenly racked by violent sobs, and he gasped for air frantically, feeling like this pressure in his chest was slowly suffocating him...

The water ran cold eventually, but he didn't care. He still sat huddled in the tub, trembling and crying until he was so exhausted he almost fell over. His vision went gradually dark as the water ran cold, leaving him with goosebumps all over his body.

Far away he heard the front door slamming shut, heard someone calling out for him...

_I must be dreaming..._ , he thought, closing his eyes and hugging himself even tighter. _Nobody wants to be with me..._

But then there were loud footsteps coming up the stairs, and again he heard this somebody shouting his name, and then the door to the bathroom burst open.

"_Roxas_!" he heard someone gasp, and then he was crushed into a tight embrace, a warm body pressed against his. He was dragged out of the cold water and onto the tiled floor, a warm hand running through his damp hair. The scent of some fruity shampoo he knew all too well filled his senses, and chocolate colored hair tickled his face.

"Sora..." he whispered, his throat raw and aching from crying so hard, burying his face in his twin's shoulder, returning the embrace fiercely.

"Oh god, what did you do? You're freezing!" Sora's voice sounded strange, choked and hoarse. "I'm sorry, Roxy, I'm so sorry..."

"No, don't be..." Roxas tried to look up but found his whole body was too heavy... he was so tired, he didn't want to let go...

"But I... I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you..." Sora repeated, pressing his cheek against Roxas' wet hair.

"B-But you were r-right!" Roxas hiccupped, tears trickling down his face again. "I b-broke our p-promise... I-I'm a s-stupid, u-useless..."

"Don't say that," Sora said softly. "You're not. You're not stupid or useless." He started to rock Roxas softly back and forth, one hand stroking his back gently.

"B-But you _hate_ me... I know y-you d-do! You _have_ to! I hate _myself_!"

"What?" Sora stopped petting his back and held him at arm's length, forcing Roxas to look at him. Roxas struggled, tried to look away, but Sora gently pressed one hand against his cheek, turning him to look at his twin. Identically cerulean eyes met, and Roxas sighed shakily, resigning.

"I don't hate you, Roxas," Sora said softly. "I could never hate you. You're my little brother. You will always be. Nothing you do will ever change that." He closed his eyes, resting his forehead against Roxas' and taking his shaking hand in a loving gesture. "I love you, Roxy. Never doubt that. Okay?"

Roxas nodded, feeling warm again for the first time since Sora had yelled at him. He was still shivering, but on the inside he felt warm. The warmth spread from Sora's gentle hand in his, banishing the shadows and the loneliness and the hurt and sadness. Sora's eyes were so full of love, so honest...

Sometimes Roxas thought his brother's heart was too big to be good for him... sometimes it was like Sora felt for _both_ of them...

"You look so tired, Roxy," Sora said, smiling at him and smoothing a wet, golden strand of hair from his forehead. "Did you sleep at all last night?"

Roxas shook his head weakly. He was really tired. In fact...

He couldn't even end this thought. Everything went black.

* * *

When he woke up a sudden wave of dread washed over him when he noticed he wasn't in his room. But the feeling faded quickly when he noticed the room was familiar nonetheless.

It was so different from his own room, full of colors instead of mostly black and white and red, many different shades of light blue and green and yellow catching his eye.

A beautiful underwater scenery was covering one of the walls completely. Roxas smiled when he looked at it. Sora had always liked the sea so much...

"Feeling better?"

He turned to look at his twin who was sitting on a beanbag next to the bed, apparently reading some manga. He marked the page with a scrap of paper from his messy desk, tossing the book aside carelessly and smiling.

"Yeah..." Roxas replied, stretching his arms above his head and yawning.

"Here..." Sora reached behind the beanbag and grabbed a glass of water from there, passing it to Roxas who sat up and rubbed his weary eyes before taking the glass. "I figured you would be thirsty..."

Roxas gulped the cold liquid down greedily, spilling some of it, droplets of water running down his chin and throat.

Oh yes, he was thirsty... after crying so much last night...

"Thanks," he rasped out, trying to catch his breath again.

There was no sound but their soft breathing, until Sora spoke up again.

"How's your hand?" he asked still smiling, but Roxas thought it looked a bit... strained.

Wait. His hand?

He looked down, surprised to see a white bandage wrapped tightly around his left hand. And now he could feel it burning slightly, too...

He examined it closely, tried to ball it into a fist but quickly banishing that thought when a sharp pain flashed from his palm through the limb. He let it drop with a quiet hiss.

"It was bleeding really badly," Sora exclaimed from his seat, leaning forwards until his elbows rested on his knees, hands dangling between his legs. "The other cuts stopped bleeding after I cleaned them, but... yeah, I don't think you need to see a doctor, but it looked really painful..."

"It's okay," Roxas said softly. "I... I don't remember..."

"I think you knocked one of Mom's vases down," Sora explained patiently. "I cleaned it up."

"Oh." Roxas looked down at the bandaged hand again. Right. _Now_ he remembered.

He noticed his clothes were gone, replaced by one of Sora's pajamas. Sora noticed his confused look instantly.

"I had to get you out of your clothes. You were freezing. You just passed out on me in the bathroom, you didn't even wake up when I carried you here..." He stood and walked over to the bed, sitting on the edge and feeling Roxas' forehead with a surprisingly ungloved hand. Roxas closed his eyes and leaned into the gentle touch.

He heard Sora chuckle quietly. The small sound made him indescribable happy.

He shifted himself so he could lie down and rest his head in Sora's lap, his hands resting in a loose embrace around Sora's waist. He sighed happily when Sora ran one hand through his hair, massaging his scalp lightly.

"I'm sorry," Sora apologized again, sighing himself. "I shouldn't have left you alone like that. I know how much you hate it."

Roxas looked up to him, not moving from his comfortable position in Sora's lap. Sora still smiled, but he looked so sad...

"Don't apologize," Roxas replied, tightening his grip around Sora's waist for a moment. "It was my fault. You... you were right..."

"No, I was not!" Sora cried clearly upset. "I... I thought you wanted to... to... to _test_ Axel, like you did before... But then you didn't come to school today, and Zexion told me Axel _was_ home last night, and... and Axel wouldn't tell me what happened, and... and I... I thought... But you _drew_ him yesterday, and you only did that if you wanted to test somebody, and I just assumed... I didn't think... I should have _listened_ to you, but I was so _angry_..."

Sora fell back to lie flat on his back, pressing his palms against his eyes and groaning softly. Roxas shifted so his head lay on Sora's abdomen, still not moving his arms from Sora's small waist.

"I was really angry yesterday, because I thought you wanted to... to fool around with one of Riku's friends, and I didn't want that, because... because... Hell, I have no idea why! I want to be friends with them! And you drew Axel, and I thought... and I didn't want to... God, I'm such a _dork_! I'm the worst big brother ever! I should have _listened_ to you, I know you didn't want to..."

"I did," Roxas interrupted Sora's rambling. He heard and felt Sora inhaling sharply, and he unconsciously tightened his grip around his brother. "I'm sorry, Sora, but... I... I don't know what happened! I just... I..." He took a deep breath, tried to understand himself what had happened the day before. He cleared his suddenly raw throat, licking his dry lips.

"I... wanted to kiss him, Sora," he whispered so quietly he didn't even know if Sora had heard him. Obviously he had, because one hand gripped Roxas' shoulder hard. But he didn't say a word.

Roxas closed his eyes, expecting Sora to push him away. But nothing happened.

"You... did?" Sora asked, his usually so cheerful voice hollow and dull.

Roxas felt like he was about to cry again, but there were no tears left.

"I really didn't want to, but..." He swallowed around the bitter lump forming in his throat. "I... I only wanted to give him my notes, I swear, but... but then... I don't know!" He groaned frustrated, closing his eyes again. "I was so upset because you were mad at me, and so confused and..."

"I'm sorry..." Sora began again, but Roxas hit the soft mattress beneath them angrily, interrupting his brother's apology.

"It's not your damn fault, Sora!" he yelled, regretting his harsh tone immediately when he felt Sora wince slightly. "What were you _supposed_ to think? You only knew I drew him, and you know what this always _meant_, and a part of me _wanted_ to test him! Hell, I didn't know what I wanted _myself_! How were _you_ supposed to know?"

"But I shou-"

"No, you didn't do anything wrong!" Roxas cut him off again. "It was all my fault! And now you're angry at me, and Axel _hates_ me now..."

They were silent for a moment. Roxas flinched when he felt Sora's hand on his shoulder again, _really_ expecting Sora to hit him now... but the hand just glided up to his head, running through golden locks in a soothing manner again.

"I told you I wasn't angry anymore, Roxy," he heard his twin speak up at last. He didn't resist when Sora pulled him up until they were face to face, foreheads touching again. "Don't worry about that. I know you're sorry, and I am sorry too. Both of us were wrong somehow. I think we should forgive each other. Okay?" He smiled warmly when Roxas nodded. But he became serious again quickly, frowning a little. "But why would Axel hate you?"

Roxas sighed deeply, remaining silent for a long time.

"... He pushed me away," he answered finally, his voice sounding strangely hollow in his own ears. It was so odd saying it. He still didn't get it. Nobody had ever pushed him away... "I tried to kiss him, and he pushed me away. And he didn't look too happy about it when he ran away."

"Wait a sec." Sora blinked at him surprised, scratching his head lightly. "_You_ tried to kiss _him_? Not the other way round?"

"No..." Had he really thought he had shed all his tears last night? He had been wrong. His vision blurred again when he thought about that look on Axel's face when he had stopped him from kissing the redhead. That furious, confused, scornful, disgusted look. "I tried to kiss him. And he didn't want me." He let out a short, sardonic laugh, wiping his eyes with the back of his hand. "Funny, huh? All I ever wanted was somebody who _wouldn't_ want to be with me. Who... who would refuse me. Who would... not try to seduce me right away, but try to... to get to know me. And... and... there he was, not interested _at all_, but so utterly perfect, so beautiful, so... so... irresistible... a-and I h-had to blow m-my chance a-and _j-jump_ him l-like a f-f-freakin' _animal_!" The last words came out in shaking sobs, and he shielded his eyes with his hands, not able to look at Sora's face anymore, not able to stand the pity and sadness in his brother's eyes. "A-And the w-worst p-part is... I think h-he might h-have l-liked me if I h-had g-given him s-some time t-to get t-to know me... A-And I'm so a-a-attracted to h-him, I want him s-so _badly_... it _hurts_, Sora..."

He didn't know if Sora understood what he was saying because he was sobbing so hard. It didn't matter. He felt Sora pulling him into another hug, whispering soothing words to him like he had always done when they were kids, just letting him cry.

He didn't want to cry anymore. He hadn't cried for years, goddammit! What was _wrong_ with him? Why did he feel that way _now_?

"H-He thinks I'm a f-freak now!" he hiccupped loudly, latching onto Sora as if his brother was his only lifeline. "H-He hates me!"

"No, Roxy, he doesn't hate you," Sora said calmly. "You probably just caught him off-guard. It wasn't so bad..."

"You should have seen the look on his face," Roxas replied dejectedly. "He was so angry..."

"Yeah, Zexion said he was pretty upset when he came home..." Sora sighed. "But I think he already calmed down a bit. He didn't look angry today in school. I mean, maybe a little bit, but..." He paused when he heard Roxas heave a huge sigh. "Don't worry, Roxy. Nobody can stay mad at you for long. Just... apologize and give him some time. Okay?"

"But what if he doesn't want to see me anymore?" Roxas whispered.

"Let's worry about that tomorrow, 'kay?" Sora smiled and ruffled Roxas' spiky hair before standing up. "I'm sure he'll calm down. I'll call Riku and ask him to talk with Axel about it. Have to cancel our 'date' anyway..."

"What?" Roxas shot into a sitting position instantly. "You... what?"

Date? What date? Holy Papou, Sora knew Riku only since yesterday!

_Like you know Axel only since yesterday, _whispered a small voice in his head. _Didn't keep you from pouncing him, did it?_

Sora tried to hold back, but the bewildered look on Roxas' face was too much. He cracked, almost falling to the floor laughing. He grabbed the edge of his desk to steady himself, holding his stomach laughing hard.

"Holy shit, you're so funny when you look like that..." Sora wiped tears from his eyes, still grinning broadly. "We wanted to grab some ice cream after school with all of them. And they should be finished for today by now... Don't you remember?"

"Oh..." Yes, he did... now. "Right..." Then he realized something... "Sora... when... did you come home?"

Sora's smile saddened a bit, but he answered honestly.

"I came home when I realized you were all alone," he said quietly. "You weren't in Literature, and I tried to ask Axel why you weren't there... He just glared at me and stalked off. And then Zexion told me Axel wasn't with you... and... I..." He looked down, sighing softly. "I was so worried... I know you hate to be alone, and I felt so guilty for yelling at you... so I ditched school and ran home..."

"Oh..." Roxas said again, lost for words.

"Yeah..." Sora bit his lip to prevent it from quivering. When he spoke again, his voice sounded a bit shaky. "I... I was so worried... I tried to call your phone, but you didn't answer... and when I got here you weren't responding... I thought... I thought..." He stopped and suddenly grabbed Roxas' hand. Roxas shuddered when Sora stared at him with this distressed look in his eyes.

"Don't... don't do that again, okay? Please!" Sora pleaded, tears forming in his beautiful eyes. "I really thought something bad happened to you... I was so worried... Don't do it again, Roxy, please..."

"I... I promise..." he whispered, close to tears once again. "Thank you, Sora..."

Sora's face lit up again, a lovely smile on his rosy lips.

"I love you, Roxy," he said squeezing Roxas' hand briefly before letting go. "You know that, right?"

"I know..." Roxas smiled himself, the smile feeling strange on his tearstained face. "I love you too."

Sora brightened even more, grinning from ear to ear. He didn't get that response too often from his usually grumpy little brother.

"But you don't have to cancel," Roxas offered, suddenly feeling guilty. "You... you could still go with them..."

"And leave you alone again? Fat chance!" Sora chuckled good-heartedly. "No, I'll stay with my favorite little brother today, thank you very much. I'll just call and tell them we'll do it tomorrow." He ruffled Roxas' hair again, grinning and turning to leave the room. "How about you take a nice long shower and I fix us something to eat? Dunno 'bout you, but I'm starving!"

Roxas smiled again, feeling like a huge weight had lifted from his shoulders, like it was suddenly much easier to breathe.

"Sounds great," he said softly, slowly following Sora outside.

* * *

**Short Notes (edited):** There it is. I figured I was a bit mean to Roxas in the last chapter, so I made Sora hug him half of this one... I know it's maybe a bit boring, but I think it's cute! I love the two of them as twins. They are really close, don't you think? Sweet.

Anyway. The next chapters will be better. I swear! But they will also take a bit more time. I think I will post new chapters every week... hopefully. I hope I didn't lose you yet because the story develops too slowly... Like I said, the story will get more exciting! And next chapters will be more AkuRoku/Rikora(?)/Zemyx...ish. Yeah.

Hehe. Rikora. I like that word. Plus, Sora as Seme creeps me out somehow...

Thanks to all reviewers! You keep me writing!


	8. Chapter 7

**Summary:** His life had always been perfect, or at least so Roxas had liked to think. But overcoming his own fears for someone else isn't as easy as it seems. When both his own and his lover's past threatens their unstable relationship, Roxas has to face the truth: His life was far from perfect. But at least it was better than Axel's.

**Warnings:** Yaoi. Ultimate OOCness (in Zexion's case). Seifer's being a dick. Oh, yeah, and slight swearing. Mostly by me, though. Hehe.

**Pairings:** AkuRoku main, RikuxSora, ZexionxDemyx side pairings. Possible LeonxCloud later on. Much, much later though.

**Disclaimer:** AS IF!!! I'll stick to this disclaimer. I like the sound of it. AS IF!! Yay!

* * *

**Perfect Match - Chapter 7  
**

Roxas felt funny, staring at the front gates of Destiny High the next day. Funny as in... sweaty palms, pounding heart and a strange, fluttering sensation in his stomach. Not very pleasant.

He squeezed Sora's hand one last time before letting go, regretting it immediately. As long as Sora was with him he felt safe. But without this familiar, warm hand in his he suddenly felt... lost.

"I'm right here, Roxy," said Sora like he had read his thoughts, ruffling his hair lightly. Roxas sent him a glare, trying to fix his spiky blond hair but giving up quickly. Damn that hair. It just wouldn't stay like he wanted it to. It always switched back into those damn spikes, swept to the side slightly...

Not that it looked bad! Hell no, he thought it looked kinda cool, but...

Now that he thought about it... What was the point in fixing his hair when it tended to look good naturally?

"Roxas?" Sora waved one hand in front of his face. Roxas jumped slightly, glaring at his grinning, happy twin again.

"What?" he snapped irritatedly, running one hand through stubborn blond spikes for the last time.

"You ready?" Sora didn't seem to mind him being so bad-tempered today. He just kept on grinning like an idiot, crossing his arms behind his head in this trademark manner of his, bouncing on the balls of his feet. "C'mon, how bad can it be?"

"_Very_," Roxas growled. He still didn't think Axel would forgive him for what he had done... almost had done... had wanted to do. He and Sora had talked the whole day about it, until late at night when they had fallen asleep, curled together on Sora's bed, like when they had been kids... And while Sora still thought Axel would have calmed down by now, Roxas was sure the redhead was still mad at him. Sora hadn't seen this _look_ on Axel's face...

"You will have to talk to him someday," Sora said, walking through the gates. Roxas followed him frowning. "Since I really get along well with Riku and Zexion and Demyx... They are really nice. Don't know 'bout Axel, but I bet he is too."

"You don't have any classes with him, have you?" Roxas grumbled, still not convinced. Why couldn't he just avoid him completely, at least until they graduated...

Yes, highly unrealistic. Since he had lots of his classes with a certain redhead, according to Sora. Damn.

"None I know of. Doesn't matter. I sit with them at lunch," Sora grinned. "And you will, too."

"And why would I do that? What's with our other friends?" Roxas replied gruffly. "Kairi and Naminé and Hayner and Pence and..."

"I know who our friends are," Sora interrupted him, looking at him strangely. "And _you_ should know we will still see them almost everyday. If not in class then at the beach."

"But-"

"And it was Naminé and Kairi who suggested it," Sora interrupted _again_, leaving Roxas stunned. "Even _Hayner_ agreed to it... Naminé said we should be nice to them... She said she felt like they had a really rough life..."

"Looks like it, hm?" Roxas thought about that talk in Miss Gainsborough's office. The sentence _'They don't know what happened to you!'_ had indeed fallen a few times...

He lifted the straps of his bag higher in his shoulders groaning. "Why do I have to bring _all_ of my fucking notes today again?"

"Because you will give them to Riku and the others," Sora explained cheerily. Roxas was tempted to smash that pretty smile in there and then. He loved his brother dearly, but he could at least help him carry the bag or something...

"They are so fucking _heavy_!" he moaned, secretly being annoyed at how whiny his voice sounded. But they _were_, and his back already _hurt_, and... "Why don't _you_ give them your notes?"

"Language, Roxy, language!" Sora laughed, dancing around him cheerfully, dodging a punch from his twin with ease. "And it's because you are the _smart_ twin. Duh!"

"Asshole!" he hissed, groaning again and dragging himself forward.

"Aww, you know you love me, brother dearest!" Sora chuckled and continued to skip along the hallway in this annoyingly _joyful_ way.

"Surprisingly, I _do_. Though right now I don't really see _why_," Roxas growled, smirking when Sora faked an adorable pout, eyes wide and indescribable sad. "And stop that. It's not working on me."

Sora just stuck out his tongue at his twin in a very childish manner.

They arrived at their lockers, Roxas sighing and dropping his bag (which was at least weighing a _ton_) unceremoniously to the floor. He grimaced and stretched, trying to soothe the pain in his sore muscles before he opened his locker. And then he remembered his schedule.

Sora snickered when he caught the look on his brother's face. Roxas looked like a kicked puppy, holding a thick, heavy book in one hand, his eyes darting back and forth between the book and his stuffed, already overweight bag.

"Chemistry. I've got fucking Chemistry now!" he cried, his back already protesting at the prospect of carrying the heaviest book in his possession along with all of this year's notes. "Fuck! Why does the fucking chem book have to be so fucking heavy?"

He yelped when Sora's flat hand collided with the back of his head, dropping the book and cursing loudly while glaring at his _still grinning _twin.

"What the _fuck_? Sora!" he yelled, ignoring the looks he was receiving. He didn't care about his carefully constructed image anymore. The last two years he hadn't been himself... He had acted like a perfect, cute boy he never really was. He had kept this cool, perfect mask up around everybody but his brother and their friends, but even with them he had never dared to act as free as he did now... it was _liberating_. He was relieved he now could act like back when he was fourteen, before he had started... his _phase_. It was fun to fool around with his brother again, even though right now Sora was just being a pain in the ass!

He didn't need to test them anymore. He knew now Sora was enough to keep him happy. He had always been. Roxas had just been too busy being an asshole to see it...

"Language, Roxy!" Sora scolded him playfully, wagging one finger in front of Roxas' scowling face. "You'll have to be a bit nicer when you apologize to Axel! Watch your tongue!"

There was it. The reason why he had felt so strange the whole morning. The reason he dreaded this very day. The reason why he wanted to turn on spot and run away as fast he could.

He had to talk to Axel.

"Oh, I think Axel can handle a little language," Roxas heard a new voice behind him say. He jumped and turned, staring at the boys standing right behind him.

Hell, did they just jump out of a magic portal or something? They sure weren't there a second ago...

"Hey Zexy! Hey Demy!" Sora greeted them and waved happily. Roxas noticed Zexion wincing slightly at hearing his new nickname.

"I would _really_ prefer being called by my _name_, Sora," the blue haired boy replied, obviously not happy about it.

"Aww, you're no fun," Sora pouted, turning to look at Demyx who was standing right behind Zexion, holding the other boys hand once again and looking over Zexions shoulder. "Demy doesn't mind, right Demy?"

Demyx smiled this beautiful, shy smile of his, shaking his head tentatively. His pretty, blue-green eyes darted around the hallway nervously, over groups of students passing by chatting and laughing and looking at them. It looked like he tried to hide behind Zexion's even smaller frame. Zexion turned to look at the blond boy, smiling comfortingly at him.

"You have to excuse Demyx," he said calmly, turning to Sora and Roxas once again. "He's just a bit shy around so many people."

"Oh, 'tis okay," Sora replied lightly, walking over to stand next to Zexion, shielding Demyx from curious stares. He grinned at Demyx who smiled again, this time obviously relieved. The mute boy seemed to calm down a little, but Roxas noticed his hand still gripping Zexion's so tightly his knuckles turned white. It had to _hurt_, but the blue-haired boy didn't seem to mind.

"No need to be nervous. Why don't you just go to your class? There aren't as many people there... uh, which class do you have now?" Sora asked, crossing his arms behind his head again, tilting his head to the side a bit.

"Chemistry," Zexion answered with a look at the book still lying at Roxas' feet.

"Oh, Roxas can show you the way then!" Sora exclaimed still grinning. "Right, Roxas?"

Roxas blinked surprised before muttering a quick "Sure... If I don't break down first...", adding a sad look at his bag again.

"He's got all of his notes with him today," exclaimed Sora, rolling his eyes at his brothers whining. "He wants to give them to you guys."

"Oh." Zexion blinked, looking down at the bag confusedly. "That's... nice, I guess. But... you know, you don't have to carry them with you the whole day. You could just leave them in your locker... We can get them before we go home."

Roxas and Sora both stared at him.

"Sometimes I really can't believe you're the smart twin," Sora muttered finally, earning an angry growl from his brother. He just laughed and dodged another punch, stepping back a little. "Well, gotta go, I've got Math now... see you guys at lunch?" He waved when Zexion nodded calmly, skipping down the hallway softly humming to himself. Roxas smiled when Sora turned the next corner.

"Your brother is really... unique," Zexion commented, flashing Roxas an almost invisible smile.

"Yeah..." Roxas replied while putting his notes into his locker, slamming it shut and stuffing the chemistry book into his bag.

He turned to smile at the two boys, but he froze when he saw them looking at him strangely.

"Can I ask you something, Roxas?" Zexion said quietly, his one visible eye (it was blue, Roxas noted, a really dark shade of blue, like the dark cobalt blue patterns on expensive porcelain) staring right into Roxas'.

Roxas gulped. He was pretty sure what Zexion wanted to ask him, but he nodded anyway.

"What did you do to Axel?"

Yes, quite what he had expected.

He stayed silent for a while, not meeting the other two boys eyes. Zexion waited patiently, just staring at him, Demyx glancing at the crowd around them now and then nervously.

"What... what did he tell you?" Roxas asked finally, still not looking up. _Hey, you remember that blond kid? Well, he's a little freak, tried to kiss me when I was at his house..._

"Nothing," Zexion answered darkly, a slight frown on his handsome face. "He came home, ran to his room without a word and refused to talk to us. He was very upset."

Roxas didn't know what to say. Should he tell them? He didn't even know them that well... but they were worried about Axel, he could tell... but maybe Axel didn't _want_ them to know?...

He opened his mouth to speak, not entirely sure _what_ he wanted to say, but somebody prevented him from doing so.

And he would have definitely preferred an awkward talk with Zexion over the reason for this interruption.

"Well, well, aren't those the new kids?" A boy their age, with short blond hair and cold blue eyes, was smirking at them, hands on his hips, nose held so high in the air Roxas was sure he would drown if it rained. All about him just screamed 'trouble'. Two other students were with him, a frail looking girl with gray hair and red eyes, and a bulky, tanned, big guy.

The so-called 'Disciplinary Committee' of Destiny High. Although their main efforts to maintain discipline in their school seemed to consist of bullying kids who where shorter, weaker, nerdier, younger or smarter than them.

Almost everybody in this school fitted this description somehow.

They had never tried to harass Roxas or his brother however. Until now.

"Man, and would you look at that," the blond kid continued, still smirking. "They are holding hands! Sweet, no?"

Roxas already wanted to shut him up, but Zexion beat him to it. The blue haired boy positioned himself in front of Demyx, clutching the book he was carrying with his other hand to his chest. His face betrayed no emotion, but Roxas could see the hand holding onto Demyx' trembling. Out of anger or fear, he couldn't tell.

"Look, kid, I don't know who you are, but I ask you to leave us alone," Zexion said so coldly Roxas shivered involuntarily. Zexion's calm voice seemed to carry a promise of pain with it, and the most impressive thing was... Roxas believed it. Although Zexion wasn't big or strong or anything... In this very moment Roxas would have thought twice about picking on him, just because of this cold, quiet, eerily calm voice.

Unfortunately Zexion's opponent _wasn't_ Roxas.

"You _ask_ me to leave you alone?" the blond kid repeated amusedly, crossing his arms in front of his chest and looking Zexion over once. "And if I _refuse_?"

"I'll only ask once," Zexion replied shrugging. He still seemed to be collected and calm, but by now the knuckles of the hand holding the book had turned white.

Out of the corner of his eyes Roxas noticed a small crowd forming around them. And he noticed Demyx' eyes darting around more and more distressed the more people were watching them. The poor boy looked _terrified_.

"Leave them alone, Seifer," he said, quickly stepping forward, hoping to prevent an ugly scene from happening. "They didn't do anything to you."

But Seifer just looked at him quickly, sneering slightly when he recognized him.

"You stay out of this, Harada," he snarled before turning to face Zexion again. "It's none of your business." He smirked, leaning forwards a bit. "And I can't tolerate them getting all _gay_ in our school publicly. Holding hands in school? Why don't you go _fuck_ each other in the bathroom over there and stop being so goddamn _clingy_?"

He seemed a bit disappointed at Zexion's lack of response. The blue haired boy just smirked back, never letting go of Demyx' hand.

"Oh, I see. Homophobic, are we?" he stated sweetly, winking at Seifer who blushed furiously. "Or just jealous? In denial, maybe?"

Roxas froze when Seifer's face darkened even more. The blond boy was furious, he could tell... Oh, damn it, that was the wrong thing to say...

He looked around distressed, searching the crowd for one or two friendly faces, sighing relieved when he noticed Hayner, Wakka, Kairi and Naminé. His friends already seemed to have realized the current situation and moved to push themselves through the crowd.

"Okay, loser, you've asked for it!" Seifer hissed, letting his knuckles crack loudly. His icy blue eyes were positively _blazing_. "I'll beat you to bloody _pulp_, and _then_ I'll beat your pretty friend there up!"

Suddenly something in Zexion's posture changed. He stiffened visibly, his calm face suddenly contorting in a grimace of pure hatred and anger. His visible eye seemed to darken even more when he stared at Seifer.

"You _won't_ touch Demyx," he spat threateningly, much like Axel two days ago when he had defended Demyx in the cafeteria...

"Oh, and if I _do_?" Seifer smirked again, clearly thinking he was gaining the upper hand in their dispute, crossing his arms again arrogantly. "What if I smash his face in so his own _mother_ won't recognize him anymo-..."

He never ended that sentence.

Roxas tried to hold Zexion back, but the blue haired boy was too fast. In the blink of an eye he was gone, leaving Demyx behind, who looked as if he wanted to scream, yet not uttering a sound, paling visibly.

Hayner and Wakka jumped forward, holding Rai back when he wanted to help Seifer.

Namine and Kairi positioned themselves between Fuu and Seifer to prevent her from partaking in the fight, although the silver haired girl didn't make a move to do so.

Zexion attacked Seifer, who just stared at him wide eyed, hitting the blond boy with the book he had been holding the whole time. It connected with the side of Seifer's head with a loud thud, sending the blond to the floor instantly.

Roxas moved to help Zexion, but he stopped when he looked at Demyx once more.

Demyx had stumbled back when Zexion had let go of his hand, his back colliding with the lockers behind him. He was deathly pale, clutching his shirt with one hand, the other clamped over his open mouth. He was sweating, his hands were trembling, his eyes impossibly wide in his white face, unfocused and unseeing. Frightened. _Terrified_.

Roxas glanced one last time at the two boys fighting, deciding Zexion didn't really need help as he was straddling Seifer, punching the blond boy who was trying to shake him off. He managed to block most of Zexion's undirected blows, but Zexion was too fast for him to actually fight back.

Roxas ran over to Demyx, who had crumpled to the floor in a trembling heap, on his knees and one hand, the other hand still covering his mouth. He was breathing hectically, almost hyperventilating.

Roxas fell on his knees beside him, unsure what to do. He tried to touch Demyx' shoulder reassuringly, but Demyx flinched away from him violently, looking at him with wide, horrified eyes, whimpering frightened. It was the first sound Roxas had ever heard coming from him. He was shaking even more now, trying to scramble back, away from Roxas. He sobbed quietly when his back hit the lockers again, his big, beautiful eyes filling with tears.

"Demyx," Roxas tried to calm him down, showing the terrified boy his empty hands. He didn't know what had happened to scare this poor boy so much, but he obviously didn't want to be touched by strangers. "Hey, it's me. Roxas. Remember me? You know me. And my brother, you know Sora. I won't hurt you. Okay?"

Demyx was still looking at him like a deer caught in the headlights, but at least his erratic breathing calmed down a bit.

"It's okay," Roxas continued soothingly, again reaching for Demyx but not touching him, just offering him his hand, never taking his eyes off Demyx' blue-green ones. "I won't hurt you. It's okay."

Demyx gasped for air once, drawing his knees up to his chin slowly, one arm sneaking around them trembling, hiding his face behind his knees. Only his eyes peeked over them, looking at Roxas, still full of tears and scared, and he still sniffed now and then, still breathing too fast.

But he tentatively took Roxas' hand, clutching it so tight it _hurt_, but Roxas didn't mind. He just smiled, squeezing Demyx' ice cold, trembling hand softly.

He only looked up when he heard Zexion scream. He gasped alarmed when he realized Seifer had finally shoved the smaller boy off him and now started to punch him – not in the face, to leave no visible evidence against him. It was odd, but Zexion's hair was still covering half of his face despite his struggling, and he had turned his head to this side, trying to keep it out of reach for the taller boy over him. But Seifer still grabbed a fistful of silky gray-blue tresses, jerking Zexion's head up, Zexion trying desperately to cover the right side of his face with one arm. As if he didn't want his face to be shown...

Roxas noted absently that he hadn't seen Zexion's face before... his hair seemed to cover half of it all the time.

Roxas didn't know what to do. His friends were occupied holding Rai and Fuu back, and nobody else seemed to want to help Zexion, who fought back fiercely, but it was clear he was no match for Seifer. The blond boy was known as a bully, and Zexion was so scrawny, almost _frail_... and he still tried to hide his face, giving Seifer enough openings to land a few painful looking blows.

But he couldn't leave Demyx alone, who was now staring at Zexion being beaten up, whimpering softly again. He didn't know why, he just knew he _couldn't_. Maybe it was because of his eyes, those beautiful, blue-green eyes, big and innocent and hurt and scared...

Roxas almost panicked, still at loss what to do, when suddenly he caught something red and silver from the corner of his eyes.

Axel and Riku turned the corner, talking peacefully about something, until they noticed the crowd blocking the hallway.

And their eyes widened simultaneously in shock when they realized their friend was beaten up by Seifer.

They rushed trough the crowd, pushing aside other students roughly. Riku was the first to reach them, pulling Seifer off his friend and holding him tightly, much like he had done two days before with Axel. Seifer tried to kick him, but he dodged the kick gracefully and threw one arm around Seifers throat, forcing the blond boy to stay still if he didn't want to be choked.

"I'd suggest you leave, buddy," the silver haired boy hissed, twisting Seifer's arm in a without a doubt painful way. Seifer tried to break free again, but the grip around his throat tightened, preventing him from doing anything.

"I wouldn't do that if I were you," Riku added coldly. "I have four older brothers. I could take you out blindfolded and with one arm tied back. And if you don't leave immediately, I swear to god you'll be _sorry_!"

Seifer didn't look back when he ran away, Rai and Fuu at his heels.

Axel grabbed Zexion before the blue haired boy could even try to follow Seifer. Zexion hastily rearranged his hair so it was covering his face again before trying to lung at the retreating boy, only to be held back by Axel once more.

"Stop it!" Axel yelled at him, yanking the smaller boy back roughly. "Zexion, I said _stop_!"

And Zexion did, still trembling and scowling and staring at Seifer as if he wanted to crush him under something heavy like a bug.

"He wanted..." he began, but Axel grabbed his shoulders and turned him around so he had to face the redhead.

"Zexion," Axel said very slowly, tensely, staring into the blue haired boys visible eye. "Where is Demyx?"

That seemed to catch Zexion off-guard. His face fell, the angry scowl being replaced by a look of utter shock and fear. His blue eye widened, and he paled even more than before, whirling around, one eye searching for the mulleted boy.

His mouth fell open when he spotted Demyx, curled up next to the lockers, still clutching Roxas' hand.

Roxas shifted uncomfortably when Axel and Riku stared at him, too. He tried to explain, but closed his mouth again when he realized they were not angry at him holding Demyx' hand. In fact, they just looked... surprised. And a bit relieved, in Riku's case. He thought. And he couldn't exactly look at Axel without being killed by guilt. Zexion just looked... plain shocked.

Zexion made a noise somewhere between a gasp and a sob, breaking free from Axel's grasp and limping over to Demyx, who was staring at him over his arm hiding most of his face, falling to his knees next to the blond boy.

He reached for Demyx who was still only staring at him, not moving. Zexion's hand paused midway, his other hand suddenly flying to his mouth, trying to stifle a sob, tears gathering in his dark blue eye.

Then he embraced Demyx almost violently, kissing the other boys forehead and taking his hand from Roxas, intertwining their fingers gently, sobbing Demyx' name quietly, slim shoulders jerking slightly.

"I'm so sorry..." he whispered sorrowfully, again kissing Demyx softly, this time on the cheek. The small gesture was so soft, so gentle it made Roxas want to cry. "Please, Demyx, forgive me... I'm so sorry..." He buried his face in Demyx' oddly styled hair, still begging for forgiveness.

It was surprising, to say the least. By the way Zexion and Demyx had acted before, he would never have guessed them to have such a close relationship. Sure, they were holding hands a lot, but Axel and Demyx had done that too, and from what Roxas had experienced before, Demyx just seemed to need someone to hold his hand so he wouldn't be scared, heavens know _why_. Them holding hands and hugging seemed so... platonic. Just comforting. Not like they were a _couple_.

But now, with Zexion kissing Demyx in such a _caring_ way, albeit just on forehead and cheeks, and with the way their hands were clasped together like they never wanted to let go, and with Zexion staring at Demyx with this pained, guilty, _pleading_ expression on his face, and the soft, tender smile making it's way onto Demyx' lips...

Roxas stood and turned when Demyx smiled and raised his free hand to pet Zexion's head lightly, feeling like he tainted the moment between them by watching it somehow. Axel and Riku stepped closer silently, taking his place next to the mute and the crying boy.

Instead he looked at the crowd still watching, suddenly feeling anger bubbling up inside him. How dare they _still_ stay and watch? They hadn't even tried to help! And now they watched, wallowing in Zexion's misery like it was some kind of stupid TV show!

"What are you staring at?", he growled, standing in front of the four boys and spreading his arms like he wanted to shield them from nosy stares. "Get lost!"

Nobody moved.

He stepped forward, glaring at them threateningly. He noticed a few members of his 'fanclub', cowering under his burning glare and finally fleeing, and he noticed some of his former 'test subjects' who couldn't meet his gaze and ran away too.

"Yeah, get lost!" Hayner moved to stand next to him, as did Wakka, Kairi and Naminé. The girls seemed to be even more pissed than the boys, even _Naminé_ yelling at the crowd angrily. Roxas had never heard the delicate blonde scream like that, but now she even rivaled Kairi's loud, very un-ladylike cursing. Hayner and Wakka added a few threats against still unmoving bystanders, shooing them away angrily.

The hallway was deserted rather quickly, leaving them with only the four boys.

"That was..." Hayner began, stopping again and looking at Zexion and Demyx darkly.

"... Strange," Naminé ended for him. She bit her bottom lip, chewing on it while looking to the floor thoughtfully.

"Why do they _freak out_ like that if someone says something about Demyx?" Kairi asked, lowering her voice so the four boys wouldn't hear her.

"No clue," Roxas replied shrugging. He too looked back at them, for a short moment locking his gaze with Demyx. He shivered, looking away again. "But... there is something about him... I don't know..."

"He's so... innocent," Naminé exclaimed, still looking to the floor. "And so sad. And so scared, but I don't know why..."

"Yeah..." Roxas agreed, and the others nodded. They fell silent again.

"Thanks for helping out, guys," a quiet, smooth voice behind Roxas suddenly broke the silence, startling Roxas out of his confused thoughts. He looked back, finding Riku standing behind him, smiling slightly at them. "And ladies, of course."

"Anytime!" Hayner exclaimed grinning, scratching his head sheepishly. "Sorry we weren't too much of help..."

"Ya, we were too busy holding Rai back to actually help," Wakka agreed, crossing his arms frowning. "Really, to pick on a new kid like that... Seifer's an ass."

"I'm still glad you helped. If this 'Rai' guy had joined the blond... I don't think Zexion would have lasted long." Riku sighed deeply, staring at the ground before him frowning. "I'm sorry... Looks like we cause nothing but trouble."

"No sweat! That's just Seifer! He's a jerk," Hayner said, frowning and raising a fist threateningly. "One of these days I will... oh, I don't know. He's such a dirty, cheating bastard!"

"And this incident two days ago was entirely Hayner's fault," Kairi added grinning, ignoring Hayner's offended protests.

Rikus grin only widened, showing perfectly white teeth. "Relax, you already apologized for it," he said calmly. "Axel is over it. Don't worry 'bout it."

Hayner nodded, rubbing his neck nervously and looking down blushing.

"Why was Demyx so scared?"

All of them turned to look at Naminé, the small grin vanishing from Riku's face without leaving the slightest trace. The blond girl stared directly at the silver haired boy, who stared back just as sternly. The girl was the first one to look away, but she repeated her question stubbornly.

"Why was he so scared?" she asked, trying to look at Riku again, but not able to meet his solemn gaze for long. She looked down at her hands, playing with a small bracelet nervously. "I... I saw it. He... he broke down when Zexion let go of his hand. But... but nobody even came near him! And I swear... he... he looked like he wanted to scream, or cry, or pass out or something! If Roxas hadn't been there, I think he..."

"That is none of your business," Riku interrupted her, his voice cold and emotionless. He didn't look _angry_ or anything, but something in his serious expression told her to shut up. "I want to thank you, Roxas, for looking after Demyx, but please, don't ask us about that. We _can't_ tell you. _Please_ respect that."

Roxas wanted to ask nonetheless, wanted to ask what had happened to frighten Demyx like this, why Axel and Zexion had went ballistic at the slightest insult directed at Demyx when they didn't seem to care about being insulted themselves, what had happened to Demyx so he decided not to speak anymore... why Zexion was hiding his face, why Riku was flinching away every time somebody touched him, why Axel had exploded like he had done when Roxas had tried to ki-...

Okay, bad example. He would have probably freaked out too if a stranger had tried to jump him.

But one look into Riku's aquamarine eyes silenced him instantly. He had never really thought he could read emotions in other peoples eyes very well, but now he saw so much sadness, so much pain, so much sorrow in those aquamarine depths... he couldn't ask. Riku wouldn't tell them.

"Fine," he answered, cutting his friends off before they could even try to pester Riku with questions. "We won't ask anymore." He ignored his friends staring at him, just nodding when Riku smiled gratefully. He went to pick up his bag he had dropped when rushing to Demyx' side, grabbing the book Zexion had dropped while fighting on the way. He approached the blue haired boy carefully, not wanting to disturb him. But Zexion seemed to have calmed down already, sitting next to Demyx, back against the lockers and holding the mulleted boys hand, eyes downcast. Demyx seemed to have calmed down as well, rubbing Zexion's arm comfortingly. Axel was crouching in front of them, looking up at Roxas frowning when he stood next to the redhead.

Roxas tried to ignore the glare the redhead sent him, holding out the book to Zexion.

"Here," he said softly. "We should get going. Our chem teacher doesn't appreciate students being late."

Zexion looked up, cobalt eye reddened from crying a little, dried tears still visible on his pale cheek. His dark hair covered half of his face again, hiding his right eye from view, but right now Roxas didn't care about that. He just smiled, still holding the book out to him.

Zexion only responded when Demyx nudged him gently, taking the book and muttering a quick 'Thank you.', looking down again.

"He's right," Namine said, approaching them too, along with Riku. Roxas saw his other friends waving at them and hurrying to their own classes. "And if we're late we'll have to listen to one of his 'Respect your elders!'-speeches... trust me, you don't want to hear one of those in your first lessons..." She rolled her eyes and shook her head, grinning lightly.

"You alright, Zexion?" Axel asked the blue haired boy gently, touching the smaller boys shoulder. "You wanna go see Miss Gainsborough?"

"No, I'm fine..." Zexion shook off the redhead's hand, standing up slowly and wincing slightly, but he just grabbed his bag and Demyx' hand again, helping the blond boy standing up. "I just... would like to go to the bathroom first, if you don't mind."

"Go ahead, there's one right there... We still have ten minutes." Roxas glanced at his watch and nodded. "The laboratories are just down the hallway."

Zexion nodded, tried to make Demyx take Axel's hand instead of his own but failed as the mulleted boy seemed to be determined to go with him. He sighed, letting himself be dragged to the bathroom by Demyx without complaining... too much.

The silence ensuing was... very, very uncomfortable for Roxas. He still couldn't look at Axel, and he didn't even want to _think_ about _talking_ to the redhead, and neither Naminé nor Riku seemed to want to break the silence first...

"Naminé, would you show Riku the way?" a wonderful, terrible, soft, emotionless voice reached Roxas' ears.

He wanted to scream 'No!', but when he looked up shocked and his eyes locked with beautiful emerald ones, his voice suddenly failed him. He couldn't look away. He couldn't speak. He couldn't _breathe_, for God's sake! He gasped for air, slapping one hand over his mouth to muffle the sound. He could already feel a blush creeping up his neck all the way to the tips of his ears...

Naminé and Riku were obviously surprised by Axel's demand.

"Are you sure?" Riku asked, frowning at Axel, then at Roxas who still tried to fight the blush raising to his cheeks.

"We'll be with you in a minute," Axel replied, never taking his eyes off Roxas. "We'll just wait for Zexion and Dem, alright?"

Riku wanted to protest once more, but this time a glare from his redheaded friend silenced him. The silver haired teen just sighed and nodded reluctantly. He followed Naminé, who looked back at them uncertainly once before turning the corner to the hallway leading to the laboratories.

Roxas looked down at his feet, letting his hand drop to his side again, pretty sure his face resembled a tomato by now. He feared the skin on his cheeks would peel off because of the heat this damn blush was emitting. Who knew blood could get so _hot_?

It was silent again for a short while, until Axel spoke up again.

"Well... thanks," he said, Roxas' head jerking up to stare at him again.

What?

"For helping Demyx," Axel explained calmly, now looking to the side himself. "He... can't be left alone, you know?"

"I... figured," Roxas croaked, clearing his throat nervously and starting to pluck at his wristband.

"He must like you," Axel added, peering at him and forcing a small smile on his face. "He usually doesn't let strangers touch him."

Roxas was lost for words. He just stared at Axel, who looked away again.

"About..." The redhead obviously struggled to force the words out, closing his eyes and sighing deeply. "...what happened..."

"I'm sorry!" Roxas blurted out before Axel could say another word. "I didn't want to... I... I just..." He didn't know what to say. "I'm... sorry," he finished lamely.

"Why... why did you try to... kiss me?" Axel ran one hand through his hair, pulling a few strands down edgily. Roxas watched amazed as red spikes swept up to their original form almost instantly when Axel released them. Was his hair naturally spiked like that?

Suddenly Roxas remembered how soft it had felt under his hands... it had to be natural...

He shook his head, trying to shake off thoughts of touching Axel's hair again, trying to get the images of Axel lying under him out of his head, trying to come up with a harmless answer but failing. He only could tell the truth...

"Because..." He swallowed thickly, trying to fight the overwhelming urge to turn and run. He succeeded... but barely. "Because... you were so _beautiful_..." It was just a whisper, barely understandable, but Roxas didn't have the heart to say it louder, fearing the redhead would get angry again, or worse, would laugh at him...

But nothing happened.

When Roxas finally worked up the courage to look up again, he froze, not expecting the look of utter misery and pain on Axel's face. The redhead seemed to be on the verge of tears, but his eyes were dry. He tried to hug himself shivering, shaking his head vigorously, fiery red spikes flying around his head. His lips were pressed together firmly, only parting to suck in air shakily, bright green eyes darkening when they stared at Roxas again. He looked so sad, so broken-hearted... Roxas didn't know what to do.

"No..." Axel breathed, rubbing his arms as if he was cold. "That's not true. You're lying. It's not _true_!"

"But you _are_!" Roxas blurted out unintentionally, cursing his big mouth and blushing again. But his embarrassment was quickly overcome by concern about the redhead when Axel shook his head again, slender hands fisting in spiky red locks and pulling so hard Roxas thought he wanted to pull his wonderful hair out.

"Stop saying that!" Axel whispered feverishly, almost pleading. "I'm not. Please, stop..."

What the hell was _wrong_ with this guy? Why wasn't he laughing and saying Roxas was stupid and sappy and... and... _Why was he acting like he would break down any moment? _It didn't make _sense_! And it scared the shit out of Roxas! Hell, he could have dealt with Axel being angry, but this... this was...

"O-Okay," he agreed hastily, trying to calm the redhead down again. "I... I won't say it again. 'Kay?"

And almost instantly Axel was back to normal, straightening and brushing nonexistent dirt from his arms, not looking at the blond boy before him. There wasn't even the slightest trace of fear or pain on his face.

"Fine," he snarled, still not looking up. "And you will _not_ try to pull a stunt like that again. Got it memorized?"

What. The. _Fuck_?

But Roxas pushed his confusion aside, concentrating on nodding in agreement.

And then Axel smirked, scaring Roxas even more with this unexpected move. Roxas wanted to _scream_ when Axel patted his shoulder lightly.

"So, now that this is settled... we should get going, hu?"

Demyx and Zexion were already waiting for them, Demyx smiling happily at Roxas who smiled back shakily, still a little unsettled by Axel's strange behavior from before. Zexion just stared at his feet. Roxas could tell the blue haired boy was ashamed of his outburst earlier.

"Demyx... wants me to tell you 'Thank you' for him," Zexion said quietly, his voice calm once again, almost emotionless. "For... for helping him."

"Uh... no problem," Roxas replied, slightly puzzled. How did Demyx tell him that? Hm... maybe he _did_ talk, just not when someone beside his friends was present...

He tried not to stare at Axel when they finally went down the hallway, but he failed miserably. He glanced at the now smirking redhead again and again, still trying to figure out why he had acted so strange before... Now he was acting perfectly normal again, telling Zexion something about smashing this kid's face next time something like this happened, and where to punch so it would hurt the most...

Okay, not really perfectly normal. But more normal than before.

They arrived the laboratory exactly when the bell rang to signal the start of their first lesson. The teacher glared at them, holding a sheet of paper in one hand, obviously already prepared to read out the names. He seemed somehow disappointed they weren't late.

"Ah, I see you decided to join us today!" he exclaimed, wrinkling his nose slightly. "Sit down. Harada, you will be paired up with..." He glanced at the sheet briefly. "Kouen... and Masaki. Mizu and Kumori, you will sit with Hine." He pointed in Naminé's direction, who smiled and waved at them shyly. "Harada, Hine, you will show them everything, and be sure to tell them about our working rules... And if one of you boys has a question about already discussed subjects... ask Harada and Hine." He smirked and turned, dismissing them with a quick wave of his hand.

Roxas briefly thought about asking to change the seating arrangements, but he just sighed and dragged himself to his seat in the back, knowing his teacher wouldn't like a suggestion like this. Riku already sat at Roxas' usual lab desk, staring at him and Axel strangely. Naminé had moved to a free desk, gesturing Zexion and Demyx to sit down next to her.

The teacher read out the names to check the attendance of his students, nodded and then proceeded to talk about what they had learned the last lessons.

Roxas quickly pulled out his notepad, blushing when he unintentionally opened the page with Axel's drawing. He quickly turned to an empty page, reminding himself to get rid of the picture as quickly as possible. Riku was already busy taking notes, whereas Axel just tipped a pen against his blank notepad bored. He sighed relieved when he glanced at Axel. The redhead sitting next to him didn't seem to have noticed the drawing. He was sitting in the middle, between Roxas and Riku, and he just glanced at them taking notes briefly before dropping his pen and grabbing a test tube from a rack on the lab desk, twirling it between long fingers.

Roxas really tried to pay attention to their teacher's explanations, although his droning voice made it hard to pay attention. This was so _boring_!

He risked a peek at Axel, frowning when he noticed a lighter in the redhead's hand. It was not the silver lighter he had seen him lighting the cigarette with, it was a cheap thing, made out of lime green plastic.

He blinked, watching as Axel held the lighter to the opening of the test tube, pressing the small button to let the gas out, but not lighting it.

"I'm just filling the test tube with butane," a quiet whisper reached his ears. He blushed at being caught staring, looking at Axel who grinned at him. "That's the liquid gas inside cheap crap lighters like that."

He just nodded, continuing to watch Axel emptying the lighter into the test tube.

When Axel put the empty lighter down, closing the test tube with a thumb while taking another one from a pocket of his bag, he blinked again.

"Why do you do that?" He whispered, glancing to the front of the class. Mr. Vexen was still busy writing something onto the blackboard. Axel just shrugged. "But... doesn't the gas... dunno... volatilize too fast?"

"Nope. Butane's a higher density than air. It sinks down. That's why I need so much of it to fill the tube." Axel smirked again, glancing briefly to the front as well, nodding satisfied when he found Mr. Vexen occupied with something.

"To do _what_?" Roxas asked again, and again there was no answer.

Some students sitting in front of them already looked at them, whispering themselves and pointing at Axel. Riku next to them sighed, still writing down notes.

"Just watch," Axel whispered, closing the test tube again and pulling his silver zippo out of a pocket in his dark green hoodie, flicking it open and lighting it with a practiced motion.

Roxas had to hold back a surprised yelp when Axel released the gas, holding the lighter close to the opening of the test tube and pulling it back quickly when the gas caught fire and escaped with a quiet 'whoosh'. A fireball of the size of Roxas' head was formed, dissolving just as quickly.

Axel snickered, still holding the test tube with two fingers, the zippo already in his pocket again.

Around them loud gasps and whispers were heard, and Mr. Vexen turned, glaring at the class. He narrowed his cold eyes at Axel, who hid the test tube under the desk and smiled innocently.

"What was that?" Mr. Vexen asked icily, pointing at Axel with one long, thin finger. "Was this your doing, Kouen?"

"What?" Axel feigned a surprised look, pointing at himself and batting long lashes cutely. "Me? No, sir!"

Somebody giggled, and Mr. Vexens head jerked around to glare at the source of this gleeful sound.

"And _why_ is everybody staring at you, Kouen?" he gritted through his teeth, scowling at the cheerful redhead again.

"Um... 'cuz you're yelling at me?" Axel answered, scratching his head and grinning again, adding a quick "Sir!" when Mr. Vexens expression darkened even more.

Mr. Vexen huffed annoyed, turning around again and proceeding to talk about carbon hydrates.

Roxas muffled a chuckle with his hand, trying again to take notes, just to be distracted by Axel emptying another lighter into the test tube.

A second fireball dissolved into thin air, and by now almost everybody was watching Axel, who was grinning at Mr. Vexen again when he turned around fuming.

"Why is everybody staring at you, Kouen?" he screeched furiously, again glaring at Axel.

"Cause... I'm cute?" Axel suggested, making the whole classroom snicker and giggle quietly.

And this scene repeated itself over and over again, Mr. Vexen asking Axel every time why everybody was watching him, followed by answers like "How the hell would I know?", "I can't help I'm so fucking handsome!", "It's the tattoos. The chicks love the tattoos." or "Red _is_ a signal color, you know? It's only natural."

His last answer, however, made Roxas really uneasy.

"I mean it, Kouen!" Mr. Vexen yelled, pounding one fist against his table. "You will tell me why everybody is looking at you! _Now_!"

"Aww, they're just jealous," Axel grinned, leaning back and stretching his long arms behind him.

"Why would they be jealous?" Mr. Vexen hissed, now clearly annoyed.

Axel's smirk widened, and he leaned forwards again, slinging his arms around Riku's... and around Roxas' shoulders.

"Why, 'cause I get to sit right in between the two _cutest_ boys in this room, of course!" he cried, chuckling when Riku swatted his hand away irritated.

Roxas however wasn't able to move. His breathing hitched in his throat when he felt the warm arm around his shoulders, and Axel was so close to him he could smell his scent of cinnamon and caramel again. It drove him crazy!

Why was he acting like that? Pushing him away, almost breaking down when Roxas told him he was beautiful... and now... _flirting_ with him?

_Was_ he flirting? Or was he just fooling around?

Roxas could feel himself blushing again, and he quickly shoved Axel away, shuddering when his hands came in contact with a thin, hard body.

He didn't look at Axel for the rest of the day.

* * *

**Short Notes:** Okay, that was... fucking hard to write! Dammit! And it's way too long!

Axel's a freak! o.O' Weirdo! Whacko! Bipolar, definitely!

Aww... but I liked the scene where Zexy apologizes to Demy... I think Zexy's cute. Isn't he cute? Yes he is, yes he _is_...

Yeah, well, there's the next chapter... The next one will skip a few days forwards, just so you know. And there will be... more naughty thoughts by Roxas. Maybe even kissing. Not the next, but the chapter after that maybe?... We'll see. If I get enough reviews. Hehe.

No, seriously, I'm not one of those authors who only update if they get twenty reviews per chapter or something. I will update even if I get none. But it would be nice if I got some. Really. They don't even have to be nice, you can review if you don't like something too. Just... tell me what you think about it, 'kay? And if it is somehow possible, don't do it in one sentence. I want to get better in writing, but you have to help me a little. Thanks.

Oh, and thanks to all of you who _did _review! Maybe I've already said it, but... I LOVE YOU ALL!!

Oh, and I passed my stupid exam! Barely, but I did! Yay! Go, _me_!


	9. Chapter 8

**Summary:** His life had always been perfect, or at least so Roxas had liked to think. But overcoming his own fears for someone else isn't as easy as it seems. When both his own and his lover's past threatens their unstable relationship, Roxas has to face the truth: His life was far from perfect. But at least it was better than Axel's.

**Warnings:** Yaoi. A itty-bitty little bit of swearing.

**Pairings:** AkuRoku main, RikuxSora, ZexionxDemyx side pairings. Possible LeonxCloud later on. Much, much later though.

**Disclaimer:** AS IF!!! Ha!

* * *

**Perfect Match - Chapter 8**

Roxas often asked himself if this was some kind of sick punishment. A punishment for his cruel games, for him hurting so many girls and boys in the last two years.

He often thought some cruel god had sent him an angel, an avenging angel with fiery hair and emerald eyes, terrible and beautiful, punishing him for every wrongdoing in his past by just _being_ _near_ _him_.

It was torture to sit next to Axel most of his classes. His mind told him Axel did it because he already knew him and didn't speak too much to other people, and that he should feel honored the redhead wanted to sit next to him.

But a small voice in his head insisted Axel did it to torture him, to taunt him, to show him every day what he could never have.

Axel seemed to have forgiven him the... incident. They never talked about it, never even mentioned it. But Roxas thought about it. A lot. He caught himself staring at the redhead more often, caught himself dreaming about kissing him. And he felt a pleasant, fluttery sensation in his chest and stomach every time they touched, be it intentionally or not.

He and Sora befriended the new boys quickly. After Roxas helping Zexion and Demyx out they seemed to accept him, and Sora... well, nobody could stand _not_ being Sora's friend, especially when Sora was _determined_ to be their friend. And to add to Sora's natural ability to make friends, Riku seemed to like him.

The twins were sitting with the four boys at lunch almost every day, except Friday. They had agreed to sit with their old friends on Fridays, despite Naminé telling them they didn't have to, since they saw each other every day at the beach and in classes.

But Roxas couldn't stand to be near a certain redhead all the time.

It was so painful to be near him all the time, but never being able to touch him like he wanted, never being able to tell him what he wanted, scared he would upset Axel like he had done when he had told him he was beautiful... The pained look in Axel's eyes, the fearful denial of this statement haunted Roxas at night. He never wanted to see this scared look again.

But it was so odd, so _confusing_, sometimes Axel didn't seem to mind being close to others, but some days he was quiet, even paler than usual, shying away from everybody's touch, not even talking to Riku and Zexion, snapping at everybody who tried to talk to him. On those days Roxas just wanted to hold Axel, to take his pain away, but he _couldn't_, and he hated it. He hated not knowing what was wrong, not even being able to ask what it was. He hated the way those bright eyes were dull and hollow, the way Axel flinched every time somebody came close to him. On those days it was often Demyx who was guiding the redhead through the halls, not the other way around.

But the next day he acted normal again, laughing and teasing and not at all minding others to be close to him. On these days he was fun to be around, driving teachers he didn't like crazy by asking sophisticated questions or correcting them. On these days he seemed self-confident, slightly arrogant even. On these days Roxas would have never believed him to be the same person who had almost had a fit when being told he was beautiful. He was charming and flirtatious then, but sometimes Roxas thought the redhead didn't even _realize_ that. He knew it meant nothing when Axel laid an arm around him or ruffled his hair or smirked at him in this strange way that made Roxas' legs weak and his palms getting sweaty. It _should_ have meant nothing.

It was so _confusing_!

All of them were.

Riku was never as quiet as the others, often talking for his friends and smiling this small, handsome smile of his, always collected and calm, witty and sometimes highly sarcastic, loving to tease others. His favorite target seemed to be Sora however. He appeared to be really confident and smart, working hard to get good grades, unlike Axel who didn't seem to be interested in working for school. The redhead was highly skilled when it came to scientific classes, but he was also easily bored, thus often disturbing classes out of boredom. Riku on the other hand was a model student, always paying attention and taking his notes.

But he _always_ jumped when somebody touched him, as if he expected the person to hit him. And yet he was the only one who attended P.E., and he joined the swim team after a little persuasion from Sora, and also the soccer team. He didn't mind showing his perfectly shaped body. He also didn't mind physical contact on the soccer field, but he almost snapped if somebody patted his back while congratulating him for playing well, looking around with a haunted look in his clear, aquamarine eyes.

The other boys didn't join P.E. classes, always sitting at the side of the sports field and watching all their classmates play and struggle. Mr. Strife didn't seem to mind. Roxas even heard their teacher had talked to the principal about it.

Zexion was always seen carrying a book, and often leading Demyx through the halls, holding the other boy's hand. He didn't talk much, but was seen reading most of the time. _If_ he talked he was funny and witty and eloquent and smart and he was the one translating Demyx' mute gestures to the others. He often used words nobody else knew, sometimes he even talked in a foreign language to tease his friends, smiling and hiding behind his books when everybody puzzled over the meaning of his words. But he never acted like he was better than them, and nobody ever thought he was thinking like that. He was far too nice and polite for that.

He never showed his face, always making sure his long bangs covered his right eye. He was quiet and polite and almost never laughed, but there was this small, almost nonexistent smile on his face every time he looked at Demyx. He also didn't want to be touched by strangers. He didn't flinch every time like Riku and Demyx did, but it was clear he didn't like it.

He was a genius when it came to writing, but his poems and essays were full of darkness, pain and death, blood and shadows.

Demyx... he was a mystery. He never talked, only wrote short messages on scraps of paper sometimes. He was never alone, always holding the hand of one of the other boys, sometimes even in class. He was mostly with Zexion, sometimes with Axel or Riku. He smiled often, but it was always a guarded, shy, cautious smile, and a trace of sadness remained in his beautiful eyes every time. He was terrified of being touched, even more so than Riku, hiding behind his friends to avoid all sort of contact to strangers, and he got nervous when other people watched him. But even though he didn't speak and was jumpy like a deer, he was the one who calmed his friends down when they were upset, and he was the only one who could snap Axel out of his moods.

They were strange, and they never talked about their life at Hollow Bastion. One time Roxas tried to talk to Riku about the brothers he had mentioned when holding Seifer back, but he quickly changed the topic when Riku almost broke down, tears in his beautiful eyes, begging him not to ask about them.

It was difficult to talk to them, small gestures or wrong words often made them close up or seemed to frighten them somehow. But Sora and Roxas learned quickly which topics to avoid, when they could talk to them freely and when not, when they could touch them without scaring them away.

They never accepted invitations to come to the beach or elsewhere with the twins and their friends, not after this one time going to the ice cream parlor.

They agreed to come to the midsummer festival, however.

Sora was ecstatic, to say the least. He fussed about the bonfire and the party even more than usual, asking the boys everyday about what they wanted to eat, to drink, when they wanted to come, what kind of music they wanted to hear at the party, if they wanted to stay the night at the twins' house, trying to make everything perfect.

"It's their first midsummer festival!" he said, "And it has to be their best, too!"

He annoyed them until Riku took his hand one day, obviously struggling with himself not to pull away again, and told him they would eat everything, would drink everything non-alcoholic, would listen to every kind of music there would be, that they would come when Sora wanted them to, and they would not sleep at their house, but thank you anyway. He told Sora in his quiet, cool voice he shouldn't see the party any different from the parties before just because of _them_.

Sora just stared at him, completely floored, then blushed and nodded, avoiding Riku the rest of the day.

After school he told his brother he might have a crush on the silver haired boy, and he said it was ridiculous because he had known him for barely two weeks, and that he just wanted to be Riku's friend, and that this silly little crush would ruin this friendship, and that Riku would never like him that way. And then he cried, not even knowing _why_, because it was just a crush, right, it would go away again, and Roxas held him until no more tears came, holding back tears himself, thinking about a boy with red hair and green eyes. And he knew it _wouldn't_ go away.

* * *

Friday before the party Roxas wandered through the hallways of his school, not looking where he was going... He had been assaulted by his fanclub twice that day, and one of his test objects had wanted to talk to him...

In short, he was pissed off.

Since he had stopped trying to be perfect, since he had become friends with Axel and his friends, he was stalked even more than before... or so he thought. Maybe he seemed more approachable than before, since he was laughing more now...

He had even heard Axel and Riku got letters by enraged fans who wanted them to leave the Harada twins alone. Riku had just shrugged it off, Axel had laughed about it, making fun out of burning the letters in the most creative ways possible.

He was on his way to his next class, trying to avoid another confrontation with one of his admirers, when something stopped him. This 'something' being a small group of people standing together, yelling at someone standing between them.

Someone with dirty blond hair, styled into a strange mullet...

Roxas felt his eyes widen. He couldn't see Zexion or Axel or Riku around... but...

He leaped forward without thinking further, pushing two boys aside roughly and kicking another to let him through, rushing to Demyx' side as fast as possible. The girls and boys behind him stopped yelling when they recognized him.

Demyx was standing with his back against the wall, gripping his bag with both hands so tightly his knuckles went white, shivering, eyes darting around him, close to passing out on the hallway floor.

Roxas turned around, glaring at the students surrounding them, balling his hands into tight fists.

"What's _wrong_ with you?" he yelled furiously, pushing a boy standing next to him away. The boy stumbled into two girls, almost knocking them down. "Leave him alone! Piss _off_!"

"No, what's wrong with _you_?" a girl he vaguely recognized as a member of his fanclub shrieked, seemingly close to tears. "Why do you defend people like _him_? They are strangers!"

"People like him?" Roxas growled, scowling at the poor girl. "What exactly do you mean by 'People like him'?" He made a step forward, making the girl cower behind a boy who looked equally as shocked. "Do you mean 'My friends'? 'Cause then you would be absolutely right! And now _fuck off_!"

"Your friend? You don't even know him!" the girl whimpered pathetically.

"Oh, now shut up!" Roxas spat, again pushing somebody away. "And stay away from him! He's my friend, and if you don't stop harassing him, you'll be _sorry_!"

It seemed like he had lost a few members of his fanclub now. Not that he minded.

They ran away, some of them yelling at him for being stupid and helping this weird, mute boy, but he paid them no attention. He just turned around to see if Demyx was okay.

He was not surprised to find Demyx staring at him frightened, biting the knuckles of his left hand. But it wasn't as bad as before. At least he seemed to breathe normally.

"You okay?" he asked carefully, holding out one hand for Demyx to take. Demyx stared at his hand for a moment before taking it with his free hand. He nodded, eyes downcast miserably, still biting his hand. His fingers were icy and trembling, but Roxas didn't mind at all. "Where are the others?"

At this Demyx shrugged, shaking his head slightly and grinning helplessly at Roxas, finally taking his hand out of his mouth, wiping it on his pants absently. Roxas could see red marks on the pale skin where he had bitten himself.

"Yeah, right... you wouldn't be alone if you knew where they were, right?" Roxas smiled, getting a shy nod in return. "Okay, which class do you have now? One of them has to be there, right?"

At this Demyx smiled, dropping his bag to rummage through it with his free hand. He pulled out a sheet of paper which Roxas quickly identified as a schedule. He scanned the sheet, nodding when he found the right lesson. "Arts. Alright. Let's go there, hm?" He smiled at Demyx again who nodded enthusiastically, stuffing the schedule back into his bag and shouldering it again.

They heard loud voices way down the hallway to Demyx' Arts class, voices they recognized all too well.

"... you mean you _lost_ him! You can't _lose_ him, you moron!" That was Zexion, and he sounded downright _hysterical_.

"I _know_ that! Dammit, I only went to the fucking bathroom, and when I came out he was..." Axel shouted just as loud, being interrupted by Zexion again.

"You can't leave him alone! You know that! _He mustn't be alone_!" the blue haired teen yelled.

"I _know_! It's not my damn fault! I thought he would be here already!" Axel screamed helplessly, obviously as upset as Zexion.

"We have to look for him!" Zexion cried, sounding like he was close to a breakdown. "What if he... if he... Oh, _God_!" The last word came out in a distressed moan.

"I'm sure he's alright..." Axel's voice quieted down a bit, trying to calm Zexion down. Roxas and Demyx now were just outside the Arts room, the door standing half open. "I... I'm sure... he..." Axel gave up, now groaning hopelessly himself.

Roxas opened the door fully, leading Demyx into the room. He was greeted by total silence, one redhead and one bluehead being the only ones in the room yet. The two boys were staring at him like he had grown a second head, then their gazes went slowly to Demyx, who smiled and waved at them shyly.

Zexion was the first one to react, leaping at Demyx and making him stumble back, forcing the blond boy to let go of Roxas' hand. Zexion pressed Demyx against a wall, bringing his face so close to Demyx' it seemed like he wanted to kiss him... but he held back the last moment possible, kissing Demyx' cheek instead, hugging the blond boy who had paled a little at the sudden assault.

"Don't do that again! You hear?" Zexion whispered harshly, kissing Demyx on the cheek again, earning a nervous smile and a confused look from the mute boy. "Don't _scare_ me like that! I thought..." Zexion stopped abruptly, his expression changing fast from angry and relieved to shocked, to terrified, suddenly letting go of Demyx and turning around, a light blush adorning his cheek and the bridge of his nose. But he grabbed Demyx' hand tightly, not looking up.

"Zexion!" Axel barked at the smaller boy angrily, completely ignoring Roxas who watched them confused. "Don't do that! You know it scares him!" What? What had Zexion done wrong? He was just glad his boyfriend was safe, wasn't he? And they were hugging all the time, so...

But Zexion winced at Axel's harsh words, mumbling an apology, still not able to look at Demyx.

Axel looked like he wanted to scold Zexion some more, but Demyx silenced him with a glare.

Yes, a _glare_.

Roxas hadn't known Demyx was _capable_ of glaring like that!

Axel gaped at him, blinking unbelievingly and closing his mouth again.

"Leave him alone." Demyx said, still scowling at Axel. "He didn't _scare_ me."

This time everybody gaped at him, even Zexion who was still blushing.

Roxas couldn't believe his ears. Demyx. _Talked_? What the hell?

And his voice was... well... _beautiful_! Melodious and light and clear and soft and smooth, a bit boyish maybe, but it suited him perfectly. It sounded like he was _singing_ when he talked.

"He just _surprised_ me. I know Zexy would never hurt me," Demyx added, now blushing himself and closing his mouth again, shuffling his feet and looking down.

Axel and Zexion stared at him bewildered, making Roxas feeling slightly out of place. It had to be _really_ out of the ordinary for Demyx to talk when there was a 'stranger' in the room for the other boys to be surprised like that.

But what really amazed Roxas was when Demyx turned to look at him, smiling the first real smile he had seen on the older boy's face, this time even reaching his bright, pretty eyes.

"Thank you, Roxas," he said quietly, nearly in a whisper. "For helping me again."

Roxas nodded dumbfounded, then shaking his head and mumbling a "No problem" before leaving the room.

He heard the other two boys bombarding Demyx with questions when he left the room, but some other students entered the room, and Demyx refused to speak again.

* * *

Roxas couldn't get it out of his head until lunch. It was a Friday, so him and Sora were sitting with their friends, all of them chatting excitedly about the bonfire at their private beach, but Roxas wasn't listening. He was staring at another table the whole time, watching Demyx and Zexion closely.

Demyx acted like before, smiling shyly and gesturing when Axel asked him something, but not saying a word. He looked even more nervous than usual, and Roxas could see why even from his seat. Demyx sat next to Zexion, like he always did, but he didn't hold the blue haired boy's hand this time. Zexion had pulled his hand away as soon as they had sat down. Odd.

Zexion hid behind one of his books, an unreadable, stony expression on his face, never looking up, just saying something when Axel asked him. And what he said didn't seem to be what the redhead wanted to hear. Roxas watched confused as Axel took Demyx' hand, emerald eyes narrowing at Zexion.

What was wrong? Did they argue or something?

And then Axel told Riku something, making the silver haired boy almost choke on his soda. Roxas noticed his brother glancing worriedly at them, and he knew Sora was fighting the urge to rush to their table and help.

"What's wrong? Roxas?" Roxas looked up and glanced at Hayner who was looking at him curiously. "You're zoning out again."

Again? Roxas arched one brow, but he didn't ask about that. There were other things on his mind.

"Sorry," he mumbled, looking down at his lunch again. "Just thinking."

"About what?" Kairi asked from her seat next to Hayner, leaning forward to look at him properly.

Roxas opened his mouth to say something, then closed it again... and then he blurted it out.

"Demyx talked to me!" There. He said it.

"What?" Olette shrieked across him, nearly spilling her soda when she leaned forward eagerly. "When?"

Everybody was staring at him now, and Roxas could feel his ears heating up. "Uhm... I... kinda saved him... he was all alone in the hallway, and..."

"What?" This time it was Sora who shrieked, but his voice was almost as high as Olette's before. "But he's never alone!"

"Well... Axel kinda... lost him, I think..." Roxas looked at the other table again, noticing Zexion, Riku and Axel staring at him strangely. Riku stared at him amazed, just looking surprised. Axel's emerald gaze was even more intense than usual, making Roxas' stomach flip and flutter, but he was... somewhat used to this by now. It was just the effect the redhead had on him... But Zexion... Zexion glared at him like... like... Roxas didn't _know_. He just knew the look in Zexion's one cobalt blue eye made him really uncomfortable. He looked away quickly. "He... he just thanked me for... bringing him to his class. Nothing big."

"Nothing big?" Hayner exclaimed unbelievingly. "Dude, I thought he was _mute_!"

"No, he just doesn't speak," Namine cut in without looking up from her sketchbook. "There's a difference."

"Yeah, whatever..." Hayner huffed, folding his arms in front of his chest. "But he..."

Roxas didn't listen when his friends started to argue heatedly about what he had told them, watching the other table again.

Watching, but not understanding why Zexion's pale face now showed this look of utter sadness and despair.

* * *

**Short Notes:** Well, cuz he's an Emo-kid. Ha!

Just a short filler chapter, to skip the days until... the bonfire! Yay! Fire and Axel, always a good combination...

Oh, for all you Zemyx-fans out there... Next chapter will explain why Zexion refrained from kissing Demyx. And it will explain a bit of their past life in Hollow Bastion. And it will be freakishly long! God! There's so much I have to stuff into the next chapter... maybe I'll split it up. However, it will take some time to write it, maybe a week or so... Please be patient! I'll work as fast as I can! I hope. Eh.

So, I would understand if you didn't review this chapter since it's quite short, but... I really like to read reviews! They inspire me to write! Really! And you can review more than once! I'm really not angry if you do!

And I want to thank a few people now... probably a bit late, but... whatever, better late than never.

**Riku-Stalker, iluvbooksandanime, kotilo, Silver Tears 11 and Chocola Emo Shizzle** for reviewing almost _every fucking chapter!_ Man, I feel so honored you guys still think the story is good enough to review! An especially big thank you to Riku-Stalker by the way, for flooding my mail-account with private messages! You're insane, baby! I love it! I love to read your messages! And to kotilo, 'cause you want to study Bioenigeering! Like me! Yay!

And all the others who reviewed: **hermione494, humdiddledoo, Metallica-Grace, rascality, TheOptimisticPessimist, TheFoxGirlKitsune, Piivi, xocarli01, MsMeow, jyasshu, Ichixrenji-smexy love, , Akki-Her, Adalibina, Lost in the wing of angels, sasunaru-XD**

Man, I hope I wrote all your names right...

And also thank you to all you people who put my ficcie on their alert or favourite list! Wow! You rock! I really would like to know why you did it though... I mean, so far nothing exciting happened...

But there will! Promise! Huh... Maybe I should call these notes Author's note... They aren't really short anymore...

We-hell! If you liked what you read, just leave a review! Tell me what you think about the story!


	10. Chapter 9

**Summary:** His life had always been perfect, or at least so Roxas had liked to think. But overcoming his own fears for someone else isn't as easy as it seems. When both his own and his lover's past threatens their unstable relationship, Roxas has to face the truth: His life was far from perfect. But at least it was better than Axel's.

**Warnings:** Yaoi. An itty-bitty little bit of swearing. Again.

**Pairings:** AkuRoku main, RikuxSora, ZexionxDemyx side pairings. Possible LeonxCloud later on. Much, much later though.

**Disclaimer:** AS IF!!! Ha!

Um... I just want to apologize, 'cause this is not the long chapter I promised. It was simply taking too long to write it, so I decided to split it up into three parts. Please don't kill me! I didn't want to make you guys wait so long, and the next two parts are like taking _forever_... I'll try to write faster, promise! Uhm. Well. Read it anyway!

* * *

**Perfect Match - Chapter 9  
**

Roxas awoke to loud noises drafting through the partially open windows of his room. He groaned and turned, hiding his head under his pillow to block out the offending racket. It didn't help much, just made it hard to breathe, so he gave up and threw the pillow away. It hit the wall with a soft 'fwump' and fell to the floor.

He lay still for a moment, listening to the clattering and knocking and cracking and the sound of Sora's voice as he bugged and bothered the hired workers who were setting everything up. It was oddly comforting to hear his brother fussing about the midsummer festival. Normally it would have irritated him, all this racket and fussing, but today... it was different.

_He_ was different.

Roxas smiled and stood up, stretching and yawning and rubbing his eyes. He looked to his window, blinking surprised when he noticed the sun already standing up high in the sky. He glanced at his alarm clock, blinking again and stepping closer to the small device, crouching beside his nightstand and screwing up his cerulean eyes, again reading the red glowing numbers on the small screen.

_11 fucking 37!_

The hell? He never slept this late! He had slept almost twelve fucking hours! He hadn't slept this long since... since... He had _never_ slept this long! What had happened to his four hours of sleep?

He had already wondered why he felt so fresh and wide awake today, despite being woken by the noise outside... NOT! Fuck, he was _still_ tired!

Shaking his head he stood up again, grimacing when a few bones in his spine decided to crack and pop loudly, stretching once again and grabbing a red t-shirt and black pajama pants from his dresser (which was a small room itself actually) before heading out of his room. Usually he wouldn't have minded running around the house half naked, but with all these strangers setting up Sora's party around the house... Whatever.

He shuffled downstairs, glad nobody seemed to be actually _in_ the house, dragging himself to the kitchen and opening the fridge and cupboards, trying to find something to eat.

He let out a delighted squeal he would have _never _admitted to have uttered, grabbing a box of his favorite cereal. He filled a bowl with it, snatching one last marshmallow from the box before putting it back, drowning the marshmallow/cereal mix generously with chocolate milk he found in the fridge. Yum. Way to begin the day!

He listened again to Sora asking somebody questions about... cooling dishes? Huh? What was that supposed to mean?

He continued to stuff sugary, already gooey marshmallow/chocolate milk mix into his mouth, still only half awake, when he heard people entering the house, some of them chatting and laughing, and he felt a pang of jealousy. Very small, but it was there. Because even though he had decided to change and open up to people other than his brother again, he still had a hard time relaxing and laughing like these people did so naturally. True, it was easier for him to smile now, but he still felt strange when he actually laughed, although he really enjoyed it... Sometimes it still felt... wrong. Sometimes he even wished he could go back and be the perfect puppet again, wished he could have his fanclub fussing about him again, wished he could not care about what everybody thought about him again. Sometimes he wished he could stop caring again, despite the fact it would hurt Sora more than anything if he did...

But when he thought like that he would look at Axel once, admiring his unearthly beauty and his equally beautiful personality, his eyes, his attitude, his habit of playing with lighters... and he would know he could never go back. He would never be able not to care again.

He sighed and stared down at the still half-full bowl, suddenly not feeling hungry anymore.

It wasn't fair! Why did it have to be Axel? Why did it have to be the redhead he was drawn to? He knew he could never have him. Axel's reaction to his advances had made that clear. The green eyed boy just wanted to be friends with him... nothing more...

Okay, _shit_, it had probably not been the best idea to jump the older boy the very day they _met_, but...

It wasn't _fair_! He could have had anybody else! _Why did it have to be Axel?_

He sighed again, head jerking up when suddenly a giggling blur of blue and black and brown tackled him and threw him to the ground, his breakfast going down with him, bowl shattering and it's content creating a sticky mess on the kitchen floor, the spoon clattering over the tiles and disappearing under a cupboard.

Roxas didn't even have time to let out a surprised yell. The air escaped his lungs when his back made contact with the cold floor, and then something was lying on him and squeezing his fucking _life_ out of him...

He gasped and struggled, trying to get much-needed oxygen into his poor lungs, but no avail. And this giggling, spiky-haired monster on top of him wouldn't let go!

"Roxyyyyyyyyy! You're awake!" Sora yelled into his ear, still not budging dammit! "C'mon, you have to see what I planned! It's so cool, all the work is already done..."

Roxas could already see black and red dots dancing before his eyes! Damn, that couldn't be _healthy_!

"Need... air!" he finally rasped out, trying again to shove his brother off of him.

"Huh? Oh! Sorry!" Sora jumped up, helping Roxas stand up and rubbing his back while Roxas took a few deep breaths, propping his hands on his knees and trying to glare at his twin, but failing horribly when he saw the look of pure innocence in Sora's wide eyes. Phew, at least those stupid dots disappeared... good.

"Uhm, sorry..." Sora grinned sheepishly and clasped his hands behind his back, shuffling his feet. "It's just... I'm so excited! It's so cool! You have to see it! C'mon!" He grabbed Roxas' arm and dragged him outside, ignoring Roxas' sputtered protests completely.

"Hey, we have to clean that up!" Roxas said with a quick look at the mess they left in the kitchen. Well, Sora did it, really. "The house was just cleaned yesterday!" Like every Friday. Every Friday when the twins left the house for school a cleaning company came to the mansion to clean the rooms the twins rarely used. It was just too huge to keep it clean all on their own.

"I'll do it later!" Sora snorted somewhat annoyed, making Roxas almost trip over the carpet in the living room. "Come _on_!"

And again Roxas asked himself why his parents hadn't just hired a maid or two to hold the house clean. It was stupid. His father had once calculated it would be cheaper to hold the house clean this way. Friday the cleaning company, Tuesday the gardeners, and never ever did the twins see any of them. The garden was done when they came home on Tuesdays, the house was clean on Fridays. Hey, those people could steal money from the safe in their father's home office and the twins would never notice.

He, not their problem anyway. The cleaning people never touched their rooms, and that was all that counted for them.

But Roxas forgot his anger about his irresponsible parents when he was dragged out to take a first look at the decorated private beach behind the house by his energetic twin.

His eyes widened when he saw what his brother had planned for the party.

"Sora..." He looked around, eyes wide, his eyes finally resting on the almost blindingly bright grin Sora was sporting. "Are you _insane_?"

Sora's face fell. He looked around himself, scratching his head. "What? You don't like it?"

Roxas didn't answer and shook his head, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Do Mom and Dad know what they're paying for this year?"

Sora laughed and turned around, taking another good look at the beach.

"It's not like they can't afford it," Sora giggled, jumping over the railing of their porch. Roxas followed him, slowly climbing down the stairs leading to the flower garden and the small path leading to the beach. Sora was already there, busying himself by checking some things.

"We _do_ have a limit, you know?" Roxas insisted... but he had to admit he kinda... liked it. Sora had done a great job, even better than the years before.

There was not only one, but three fireplaces, next to the actual bonfire, a stack of logs that was higher than Sora himself. The way to the fireplace was seamed by torches stuck firmly into the warm sand, and torches also surrounded the tables carrying the food and drinks. The seven, no eight tables were not only cramped with more food than fourteen teenagers could probably eat in one day, they were also decorated with sea shells and blue and white and red cloth and sparkling gemstones. The food itself was under some sort of glass covers, and the plates the food was resting on seemed to be connected to a... cooling aggregate? That was hidden under the tables? Weird! There was even a mini fridge for the drinks on each table...

Next to the tables a huge hi-fi-system was placed on a small platform made out of wood, and Roxas counted twelve speakers scattered around the fireplace, some of them even attached to palm trees or halfway hidden in the sand. Next to the sound system some music instruments lay around, and next to them there were a few blitzballs and other games utensils, towels and other stuff.

All this would already have been enough, but Sora had added something else. Next to a group of palm trees which outlined the beach and divided it from the public part seven tents had been pitched, two persons each. Five of them were black with blood red patterns on them, two white with sky blue patterns. Unusually colorless for being set up by Sora. He usually preferred strong colors, and many of them.

"Tse, we never used the whole money Mom and Dad gave us for the festival. They won't mind us spending a tad bit more once," Sora said confidently, grinning at his twin expectantly. "So, what do you think? Do you think they'll like it? I know, it's a bit bigger than usual, but... I figured they would maybe want to sit by themselves, and fourteen people around one fireplace are too many anyway, and the girls already said they wanted a fireplace for themselves last year when Tidus and Hayner got drunk and started to dance and trip over us, so I made three of them... Oh, and I know Riku said they didn't want to spend the night, but I got the tents anyway, just in case they change their minds... Do you think they'll like them? I wanted to take something more colorful, but I think they don't like colors, so I got these... The white and blue ones are for the girls, aren't they pretty?, and the black ones for the boys... Mmmpfmmmfff?"

Roxas silenced his brother by holding one hand over his mouth. He stared at the tables again, then back at his twin.

"Sora," he asked slowly, "is that a _whole table_ full of _marshmallows_ I see?"

Sora blinked and looked at the tables too, grinning beneath Roxas' hand.

"Yup!" he exclaimed happily as soon as Roxas pulled away. "There can never be too many marshmallows! Camping food number one, I say! _Yay for S'mores!_" He sprinted to said table, grabbing one pack of sweet, sticky, sugary goodness, ripping it open and stuffing a handful into his mouth, grinning while trying to swallow the gooey substance without choking on it.

Roxas followed him, taking one marshmallow himself and examining it before he shrugged and put it in his mouth.

"You know," he said around the sticky substance, licking his fingers and looking around thoughtfully. "I think you're absolutely right." Then he grinned and jumped without a warning, tackling his brother to the ground and starting to... tickle him mercilessly!

"WAH! No, R... Roxy, AH, stop! N-Not thereeeeee..." Sora guffawed, trying to shake him off.

"But you're still _insane_!" Roxas yelled, throwing himself over Sora to keep him from struggling, poking Sora's sides and stomach all the while. Sora laughed and giggled helplessly, attempting to shove him off weakly.

"So... HA! What? Y-You love me... EEEEP... for it! Wah, stop, _please_!"

But Roxas just laughed, continuing to torture his oh so ticklish twin. Until Sora managed to throw him off somehow, that is. He fell into the warm sand, getting sand everywhere in his clothes and hair, but still laughing like mad. Sora punched his shoulder playfully, still giggling and curling up into a ball next to him.

"You should laugh more, Roxy," Sora said after he had calmed down a bit. He smoothed a blond strand of hair out of his brother's face gently. "It suits you, you know?"

"Hm..." Roxas rolled around so he was facing his brother, mimicking his pose by drawing his knees up and slinging an arm around them. "It doesn't feel wrong." It was just a whisper, but Sora heard him. He smiled a bit confused. "When you're here," Roxas explained. "It doesn't feel wrong to laugh when you're here."

Sora sighed still smiling, taking Roxas' hand and squeezing it gently. "It's sad it feels wrong at all, Roxy," he replied, and now his smile looked slightly sad. "But I'm glad I can help you with that." He sat up, stretching and chuckling when he looked at his preparations for the party. "Man, I'm so excited! This party's gonna be awesome! I know it!"

"Yeah," Roxas agreed and stood, helping Sora up and dusting his clothes off. "Well, I'll take a quick shower. When are the others coming?"

"In about two hours..."

"Fine. Enough time for you to clean up the mess in the kitchen." This time it was Roxas who ignored his brothers protests. He smirked and then laughed, walking back to the house.

It didn't feel wrong at all.

* * *

The first ones to arrive were Kairi and Naminé, as usual. The two girls greeted them with friendly hugs, chatting excitedly about the big party Sora had promised them, but falling silent when they actually saw what Sora had planned.

Kairi squealed and squeezed Sora almost to death, kissing the stunned boy on the cheek before running off to examine the beach. Sora 'eeeep'ed, wiping his cheek with a horror-stricken expression on his face. Roxas actually expected him to yell something like 'Ew! Cooties!', but Sora just muttered something inaudible and followed the hyper redhead.

Naminé just shook her head and smiled at their childish behavior before she followed too.

The next ones were Hayner, Pence and Wakka, followed by Olette, Selphie and Tidus. All of them were ecstatic about the huge bonfire and the enormous amounts of food, and Selphie and Olette wouldn't stop squealing about their own 'girl's fireplace' and the cute tents, whereas the boys inspected the food and sound system, turning it on to play some cheery, popular music Roxas already hated. Then Tidus spotted the games and balls lying around and ran off with Wakka on his heels, the two of them promptly starting a game of blitzball which everybody joined quickly.

The twins watched them play and splash around in the warm water, then looked at each other and gazed at their watches at the same time. This very moment they looked even more alike than usual.

"When did they say they'd come?" Roxas asked tentatively.

"'Round two. Three, latest," Sora answered dully.

"It's already half past three," Roxas answered. He didn't really know why his heart suddenly seemed to beat slower... and slower... Why did it feel so _heavy_?

"Maybe... they just can't find our house?" Sora said hopefully, but Roxas shook his head.

"Axel was here once, remember?" he replied darkly, his heart beating slower still...

"Oh..." Soras lower lip jutted out a bit, quivering slightly before he bit down on it sadly. He gazed at his watch again, sighing and blinking a few times. His big blue eyes looked glossy somehow... even his spiky hair seemed to droop slightly, giving him an overall dejected appearance...

Roxas patted his back, leading him to the nearest not yet lightened fireplace to sit down. "The party will still be great, you'll see," he tried to cheer his brother up. Sora smiled weakly and nodded, looking over to where all the others were still playing and yelling and having fun.

Roxas felt so helpless. He had _never_ seen Sora so down... it had to mean really much to him...

Right now he wanted to strangle somebody. Preferably one silver haired son of a bitch because of whom his twin had to be so miserable...

"I... I just... wanted..." Sora suddenly whispered hoarsely, spiky hair covering his eyes and parts of his face. Roxas tried to look at him, but Sora turned away, wiping his face with one hand.

"Sora?" He asked gently, laying one hand on a trembling shoulder, but Sora swatted his hand away.

"He told me he'd come!" Sora screamed, slamming one fist into the sand and kicking some away at the same time. "He fucking promised he'd come! Asshole!"

Roxas jerked back, thoroughly surprised by this sudden outburst, and equally worried about his brother. Sora only swore when he was really, _really_ upset about something...

"Dammit, if he didn't want to come he could have said so!" Sora yelled angrily, but a slight tremor made it's way into his voice. He kicked out again, this time screaming angrily as he did so. "But no, he had to promise and get my hopes up and... _Fuck_!"

"Sora..." Roxas tried again to calm him down. He was already mildly disturbed by Sora's screaming, and he noticed the others looking at them confused. He almost _panicked_, again reaching out to Sora. "Maybe they are just late. Hm? You'll see, they will show up..."

"He fucking _hates_ me!" Sora didn't seem to _hear_ him. "He always gets all weird and silent when I try to talk to him, and he never lets me touch him! He freaked out when I tried to hug him! Why do I even try? He'll _never_ like me!"

Ah, so that was what this _really_ was about...

"Sora, that's not true. Don't say that," Roxas told his brother gently, again trying to look him in the eyes. Sora turned away again, sniffling slightly as he did so, but Roxas caught a glimpse of glossy cerulean eyes and a wet trail of tears down his brother's cheek. "C'mon, how could he _not_ like you? You're funny, and you're smart..."

"I'm not! _You're_ the smart twin!" Sora snorted, attempting to stand up, but Roxas held him back.

"That doesn't mean you're not smart. Sora, look at me!" Roxas pulled on Sora's arm forcefully, trying to get his twin to look at him, but Sora just looked down, chocolate colored bangs covering his eyes again. "They are just late! They'll come, you'll see..."

And this very moment a terrible realization hit him.

They weren't coming because of _him_!

It was so obvious! Axel wouldn't want to come because... because of what Roxas had tried to do... Zexion wouldn't want to come because Roxas had the feeling the blue haired boy was mad at him since Demyx had talked to him... Zexion hadn't spoken to him since then! Demyx wouldn't want to come if Zexion wasn't here... and Riku would not want to come to the party if his friends weren't there...

It was his fault... again...

"Yeah, sure, whatever," Sora growled, ripping his arm out of Roxas' weakened grasp violently. "It's stupid anyway, I... I mean I don't even _know_ him and... and... I... I'm going... I'll be back in a few." He turned and ran away, leaving his stunned brother behind. Roxas blinked and frowned, trying to process what exactly just had happened...

Damn, Sora really _liked_ this guy...

And Roxas had _blown_ it!

He tried not to be killed by guilt as he watched his brother flee the beach, wiping his face again and again. The guilt was gnawing at him, slowly eating away the happiness from before, when he had just goofed off with his brother...

Roxas noticed Kairi running up to him, a worried look on her face, but he just shook his head when she opened her mouth to say something. She didn't know about Sora's little 'crush', and Roxas thought his brother would prefer it that way... even though Kairi was Sora's best friend, she was quite a gossip sometimes.

And... since it was his fault... he had to apologize to Sora...

"I'll talk to him," he said and frowned when she tried to speak again. "Alone."

Kairi looked hurt, but she nodded and looked down. Roxas left her, running into the house himself, already wanting to look for his brother upstairs... when something caught his attention.

There... was a sound coming from the intercom system in the hallway leading to the front door. Weird. He didn't remember turning it on. Maybe Sora had? And was that... a... voice?

He looked to the stairs, unsure if he should better see if Sora was okay... but he decided to look who was at the door first. Just to be sure...

"_... stupid! They're already waiting..."_

Roxas stopped abruptly hearing this voice. Even though slightly warped from the intercom and coming from those crappy speakers, he knew immediately who it was... This voice that haunted his dreams, he would have been able to recognize it everywhere...

"Axel?" he whispered, raising one hand to turn on the small screen to look who was standing outside, hesitating for a second.

"_Why didn't you tell me they live in a fucking mansion?"_

That had to be Riku.

Roxas frowned, switching on the screen and watching as the two of them argued. The screen showed the scene outside only in black and white, and slightly disproportionated, but he saw enough. Axel and Riku seemed to be arguing, Zexion and Demyx standing behind them and watching. Demyx was holding Axel's hand, looking down at his feet sadly. And Zexion was still not looking at the other boy.

"_I didn't think that was important, dumbass!" _Axel shouted, combing through his spiky hair with one hand frustrated.

"_Not important! It _is_ fucking important! A mansion, dude! A fucking mansion!" _Riku yelled, fisting one hand in his hair and looking away, groaning softly.

"_So! What if they're fucking rich kids? They're still nice! They invited us, remember?"_ Axel said, the words making Roxas smile brightly.

So... they weren't mad at him?

That thought made him feel all warm and tingly inside, and he felt his happy smile widen even more. Axel wasn't mad anymore. And even Zexion was here! But the smile vanished as soon as Riku looked up again, pushing Axel away angrily.

"_Yeah, we're probably some kind of welfare case to them! Fuck!"_ the silver haired boy hissed, just loud enough for Roxas to hear. _"I'm sure they invited us because they pitied us or someth..."_

"_Now you're just being a fucking paranoid ass, Riku!"_ Axel interrupted him.

"_How would you know? Hey, and _you_ were the one who came home two weeks ago almost _crying_, so don't tell me that wasn't because of th..."_

"_That had nothing to do with this fucking mansion or them being rich, Riku."_ Axel said so icily Roxas felt a shiver running up and down his spine. This cold voice made him almost want to cry... had he not been so fucking _furious_ about that silver haired asshole!

He switched the intercom off, opening the front door so quickly it banged against the wall and stomping outside, his hands balled into tight fists, feeling like he was on _fire_. He felt the anger boiling up inside him, making him want to scream and rip Riku's pretty head off. That fucking asshole, how could he...

"... just being ridiculous, Riku," he heard Zexion say calmly. "Why wouldn't Sora like you just because he's rich? That makes no sense."

Roxas stopped dead in his tracks, listening again.

"But... but he..." Riku stuttered, obviously searching for words desperately but finding none.

"Yeah, he's a nice kid. So what if we don't have money? I still think he wants to be your friend. He acts like it anyway," Axel added, now much quieter and softer than before.

"But... he... I..." Riku tried again, but again he failed, sighing heavily.

The uncertainty in his voice was enough to cool Roxas down... a bit. He was still angry, but he thought he could forgive Riku... this time. Or he could at least hold himself back so he wouldn't kill the silver haired bastard... again, _this time_.

He scowled and punched in his code for the front gate, stepping back as it swung open silently.

He folded his arms in front of his chest, glaring at the boys standing outside who stared at him surprised. Glaring especially at the one with silver hair and aquamarine eyes.

For a few moments no one said a word. Roxas kept staring angrily at Riku who just stared back, Zexion, Demyx and Axel sharing a confused look.

"Hey, Sunshine!" Axel finally exclaimed cheerily, but this time Roxas didn't even react to this stupid nickname. "Sorry we're a bit late, but Pretty Boy here wouldn't stop fussing about his hair and..."

"... and the fact that we're living in a _fucking mansion_ obviously makes us bastards who only talk to you to get good karma points," Roxas finished for him, strangely satisfied by the guilty expression on Riku's pale face.

"I... didn't mean it li-"

"So why did you say it?" Roxas yelled, again wanting to punch Riku for saying things like that about Sora. He didn't mind if the silver haired boy thought about _him_ like that, he knew he had quite a reputation in school. It wouldn't surprise him if Riku heard something about him being stuck-up or something, but how could he say something like this about _Sora_ of all people?

Riku opened his mouth as if to say something, but then closed it again and stared down to the ground ashamed.

"Thought so," Roxas growled, registering Riku wincing slightly. He stepped forward, nudging Riku' chest with one finger, ignoring how the taller boy jerked away from his touch. He deserved it, dammit! "Because Sora is the nicest, most adorable, loving and wonderful person on this fucking island, no, in this fucking _world_! And right now he's not even at the fucking party he worked so hard to set up for! He planned everything a week ago and bugged me about it every fucking day because he wanted it to be _perfect_! For _you_, asshole! So you guys would feel _welcome_ here, and because he likes you and he wants to be your friend! And just because you're an asshole about our parents being rich he's in his room and not at the beach with our other friends! And he's probably crying and sulking about you not liking him right now! Dammit, everybody likes him! He's not used to people not liking him!"

_And he especially wants you to like him!_

Riku looked at him completely dumbstruck. Roxas scowled at him again, crossing his arms in front of his chest. He still waited for the other boy to _apologize_, dammit! And if Riku started the next sentence with something other than 'I'm sorry!'... so God help him, then this guy _would_ be sorry!

"But... that's not it!" Riku finally muttered, looking away again. "I... I _do_ like him... it's just..."

"Look, I don't care," Roxas interrupted him rudely, grabbing the other boy's hand and dragging him inside, ignoring the shocked expression on Riku's handsome face and his weak attempts to break free from his tight grasp. "But you will apologize to Sora, and that's _final_!"

Far away he heard Axel and Zexion calling out for him and Riku worriedly, but the anger still clouding his mind prevented him from registering it properly. He still felt Riku's hand twitch and twist, but he never let go, dragging Riku into the house and up the stairs. He heard the other boys following him, and when he finally turned around he first didn't understand why they looked so fucking _worried_...

Until he finally realized Riku's hand was ice cold, and Riku himself looked at him with wide, frightened eyes and even paler than usual, silver hair falling into his face, shoulders trembling.

He let go of Riku's hand quickly, feeling a _tiny little bit_ bad for scaring him... although it was ridiculous, Riku was taller and _way_ stronger than Roxas... why the fuck was he so _afraid_?

He refused to feel sorry for Riku who stepped back, bumping into Axel who had followed them upstairs. Riku whirled around, raising his hands as if to protect himself and gasping loudly.

"Hey, calm down, 'tis just me..." Axel gently took Riku's wrists and forced them down. Behind him Zexion and Demyx followed, Zexion now again holding the other boy's hand.

Roxas chose to ignore them, turning around again and knocking on the door to Sora's room. Really, he had other things to worry about than Riku's irrational fear of being touched... He had to worry about his brother at the moment.

No answer.

"Hey, Sora," he called out softly, again receiving no answer. He sighed, then opened the door to peek into the room cautiously. "You okay? Can I come in?"

"No," came the muffled reply from somewhere next to the bed. "And no."

Sora sat at the foot of his huge bed on the floor, back leaning against the bed and legs crossed, hugging a pillow and staring out of the window, down to the beach where the others seemed to have continued playing blitzball. He didn't even look up, just continued to look out of the big window with this unhappy expression on his face. He sighed when Roxas entered the room fully, burying his face in the pillow.

"Go away, Roxas," he said, his words muffled by the pillow but still sounding slightly angry. "At least _you_ should have fun at the party."

"But I found something to cheer you up," Roxas said grinning, turning to glare at Riku who stared at the room wide-eyed. Axel looked around too, his face showing mild amusement when he saw the underwater scenery painted at the wall. Demyx stared at the painting in awe, whereas Zexion just looked at the room once, then looked away again.

"And what would that..." Sora stopped abruptly when he finally looked up, not even looking at Roxas but at a point behind him... His blue eyes widened, his mouth fell open in shock, but then a unbelievably happy smile lit up his whole face, making his eyes sparkle and shine again.

With a yell he threw the pillow away, jumping up and running over to them, hugging Roxas briefly on the way before he attempted to hug Riku, holding back the very last moment possible. Riku still just stood there, only staring at Sora who stepped back again, scratching his head sheepishly and laughing a bit.

"Oh, sorry, almost got carried away," he giggled, clapping his hands once and fidgeting, barely able to contain his delight. "You guys made it! My God, I already thought you wouldn't come! Man, that's so cool, I'm so happy you're here, we have to go downstairs, everybody is waiting for you..." Again he leaned a bit forward, spreading his arms as if to hug Riku, then remembering again the silver haired boy didn't want that... He clasped his hands together again, his smile now getting slightly uneasy. Roxas knew how Sora loved to hug people... it had to _kill_ him to hold back like that.

Rikus eyes were glued to the smile on Sora's face, then wandered to Sora's cerulean orbs slowly. He seemed to fight himself, blinking rapidly, the corner of his mouth twitching down slightly. The silver haired boy swallowed, crossing his arms and rubbing them nervously and uncrossing them again, attempting to step forward and holding back...

And then he reached out and pulled Sora into a tight embrace.

Everybody's mouths fell open, all eyes on the two boys hugging... well more like Riku hugging Sora who froze and uttered a surprised gasp, sky blue eyes as wide as saucers, arms at his sides, hands balled into fists.

Riku didn't look comfortable at all. His eyes were opened wide too, and he was biting his lip nervously. But he still embraced Sora, even though his arms trembled slightly. A slight sheen of sweat covered his brow and his breathing seemed to grow more and more labored, but he didn't let go. He looked so scared, but he refused to let go like he always did...

Soras mouth opened and closed, his Adam's apple working like he wanted to say something, but the only thing coming out of his mouth was a whispered "Ri... ku?..."

"I'm sorry," Riku forced out, paling a little more and swallowing once again. "It was my fault... I... I just was being stupid, we were already here an hour ago, but I didn't want to go inside..."

"O-Okay... It's okay, now you're here..." Sora replied puzzled, clenching and unclenching his hands, raising them slightly and letting them drop to his sides again, letting out a surprised gasp when Riku suddenly rested his chin on Sora's shoulder, closing his eyes tightly. "You... you don't have to... to... h-hug me, you know? I-It's okay, really!"

"But I want to!" Riku said, his voice wavering just a bit. "I-I'm sorry, I... didn't know your house was so huge, and I didn't know you were rich, and I... I... _fuck_, I just assumed you wouldn't really be friends with us because... because we... I... have _nothing_ to offer you, and... I..."

_Oh my God!_ Roxas thought, feeling a smile stretching his lips slightly. He looked at Axel who smirked too, leaning against the door frame with his arms crossed. Axel's smirk grew even wider, and he winked at Roxas, nodding his head in Riku's and Sora's direction.

_He likes him!_ the redhead mouthed and bit his lip to stifle what Roxas assumed was an amused chuckle. Roxas nodded and smiled back, holding a hand over his mouth himself.

"What are you talking about?" Sora asked confused, slowly raising his hands again, this time resting them on Rikus waist carefully. The taller boy grimaced and squeezed his eyes shut even more, but he managed somehow _not_ to flinch this time. He just sighed shakily, burying his nose in the soft fabric of Sora's shirt. Sora blinked surprised, suddenly blushing furiously. He shifted his arms slowly to embrace Riku properly, his arms now circling Riku's waist. Riku's arms still lay around Sora's slim shoulders, his hands fisting in Sora's shirt.

"I m-mean, you already have so many friends, and... I... I was just scared you were just being nice to us because... well, because we were new and that you... wouldn't really want to be our friend and that you were just pitying us and..." Riku sighed against Sora's shoulder. "And now I'm rambling. Great."

Sora laughed and shook his head. "So? I'm rambling all the time," he joked, blushing an even deeper shade of red when Riku finally released him with a deep sigh.

Riku looked into Sora's big eyes, smiling and blushing slightly himself. "So... we good?" he asked unusually shy. Actually he only acted like that around Sora...

_Cause he likes him!_ Roxas thought happily.

Sora grinned. "Were we not good before?"

Riku smirked and shook his head, letting go of Sora completely.

And then both of them blushed heavily when they finally realized they had had an audience the _whole fucking time_!

"Holy Shit," Axel commented, smirking evilly. "I'll have to remember to bring a camera the next time."

"Shut up, Pyro!" Riku hissed, his cheeks still flushed. Sora blushed again, looking down at his hands, but Roxas could see he was smiling.

And then Roxas broke down laughing as he watched Zexion putting away his cell phone with an amused smirk on his face. His cell phone which he had taken photos with when nobody was watching.

* * *

**Short Notes:** Well, there it is. The first part. I apologize for it being so short, but like I said, the other two parts are giving me a hard time... sigh I hope to upload the next one next Wednesday or something. Could take a little longer, though. Sor-reh!

Hehe. Riku's a _total sap_ in this fic. Anybody noticed? Hehe.

Oh, and one little message to **TheOptimisticPessimist**: I'm sorry, no Zexy emoliciousness this chapter... but to make up for that the next part will revolve all around our favorite little emo and why he's mad at Roxas. A whole fucking chapter, that's right!

Well... And again I want to thank all of you who reviewed! Holy shit, I got so many reviews for this chapter, it's insane! And I love every single one of them! Really, you guys rock! I wanted to post the next chapter at least before the last chapter was hit 300 times, but I was even too slow for that! Wow! I never thought so many people would even read it!

Thanks to my new reviewers: **Orcadia, madhatter312113, SoraPuppy, Vixyfox, Heaven is Drunk, chibi neko doll, Schectersona, Chizz-muffinChick, DevilsThrillKitsune, Indie Rockin' Emo, uchihacest-gurl, roxasluvsaxel. **

Also a big thank you to all of you already mentioned in the last chapter! Don't feel left out if I didn't mention you this time although you too reviewed... I still love you all for it!

Oh, and if I forgot to mention someone: You have the permission to whack my head with a newspaper. Just send me a PM then or something, and I'll be sure you'll be mentioned next time!

Toodles!


	11. Chapter 10

**Summary:** His life had always been perfect, or at least so Roxas had liked to think. But overcoming his own fears for someone else isn't as easy as it seems. When both his own and his lover's past threatens their unstable relationship, Roxas has to face the truth: His life was far from perfect. But at least it was better than Axel's.

**Warnings:** Yaoi. Zexion emoness and a near breakdown (especially for **TheOptimisticPessimist** ). I won't mention swearing in my warnings again, 'cause you'll just have to live with the fact I like to make them swear! Hehe.

**Pairings:** AkuRoku main, RikuxSora, ZexionxDemyx side pairings. Possible LeonxCloud later on. Much, much later though.

**Disclaimer:** Nope, they're still not mine, but belong to SquareEnix. And Disney. But it's only a matter of time... MUAHAHAHA!!! Not.

Before we start... I want to apologize for the delay. I really didn't have the time to write this week, because I had to take care of more important things (namely my boyfriend). I won't tell why _here_, let's just say it was a hard week for his family.

Well. But now I'm _back_! And... a very special thank you to two people: **Riku-stalker**, who still floods my email account with _awesome _messages and fills my head with random stuff and SPONGEBOBNESS!! and manages to make me laugh with every fucking single one of her messages XD lol. And **Kuraieshi**, who (GASP) DRAWS PICTURES FROM MY FANFIC!!! DAMMIT, how cool is _that_? I got _endlessly _long, fucking _awesome _emails from her the whole week (which I really love to read because they are funny as _hell_!), and she sends me sketches and drawings every time, and they are so AMAZING!!

I LOVE YOU BOTH!!! AND OF COURSE EVERYBODY ELSE WHO REVIEWS, FAVORITES AND READS MY STORY!!! YOU GUYS ARE SO AMAZING!!!!

And now ON WITH THE STORY!!

* * *

**Perfect Match - Chapter 10**

They were greeted warmly when they made it out to the beach where the others had ended their game of blitzball and had already lightened one of the small fireplaces.

The four boys stared at the beach amazed, and Roxas took the chance to look them over properly for the first time since they had arrived.

All of them were dressed relatively simple, as Sora had told them to, since they would spend the whole day out at the beach.

Riku was wearing a simple, tight fitting navy blue t-shirt that accented sleek muscles rather nicely under a sleeveless black vest, faded jeans and dark blue sneakers, a single black wristband adorning his right wrist. His silver hair was tied back in a messy ponytail, long bangs framing his pale face. It made Roxas wonder about that comment Axel had voiced earlier, about Riku fussing about his hair... although he had to admit it looked just _perfect_ as it was.

Demyx was dressed in a cream white, sleeveless hoodie over a blue-green t-shirt that matched the color of his eyes almost perfectly, dark, tight fitting jeans and white and blue striped sneakers. His hair was styled like always, but Roxas noticed a small earring in his right earlobe he had never noticed before.

Zexion was dressed in all black, like always. He wore a long-sleeved hoodie, although it was a very warm day, and underneath it a t-shirt with the name of a band Roxas didn't know on it, tight black pants and black boots, and fingerless gloves on his hands. A silver chain attached to his belt at his left hip and disappearing into the back pocket of his pants was the only accessory he was wearing.

And Axel... he just looked stunning. Roxas knew he was staring at the redhead, but right now he couldn't bring himself to look away. Axel was wearing a tight cutoff shirt almost the same color as his hair, leaving his long arms bare and showing exactly how insanely skinny the redhead really was. The shirt was kind of short, exposing a sliver of pale, smooth skin over black pants riding low on slender hips. A studded belt, black wristbands with strange, red patterns on them and black boots completed his outfit.

Roxas really hoped nobody noticed him staring at Axel like that. He noticed something looking like a tattoo on Axel's right hip disappearing under shirt and pants, and he couldn't help but wonder how far down this tattoo reached...

He blushed heavily when he realized in which direction his thoughts were going, forcing himself to look away.

Somehow he wished he had dressed himself nicer. He was already wearing black trunks and a white tee, ready to go swimming with his friends, the only other article of clothing being his white and black checkered wristband he was always wearing. Sora was wearing the same, just in the colors red and blue. And his gloves, of course.

Axel's eyes brightened even more than usual when he saw the preparations for the actual bonfire. He laughed lightly, eyes wide like a child's in front of the Christmas tree...

Roxas had to suppress the overwhelming urge to hug him to death. He looked positively _adorable_ when he laughed like that.

"S-So... what do you say?" Sora plucked at his gloves nervously, looking around the beach and then back at his guests, chewing on his lower lip.

"You... you guys do that every year?" Zexion managed to ask, blinking at noticing the amount of food on the tables.

"No," Roxas answered smirking. "Sora decided to overdraw our parent's limit for us this month. Just for you guys."

"What? Are you _insane_?" Riku stared at Sora wide-eyed. "You didn't have to..."

"YES HE DID!!" Axel suddenly yelled, whacking Riku over the head happily and grinning like a Cheshire cat. "Dude, do you see that pile of wood? The torches? Do you have any idea how _beautiful_ it will be when it _burns_? It will be like the whole fucking beach is _on fire_! That rocks _hardcore_! Holy shit!" He gasped, gripping Riku's shoulders tightly and leaning forward so their noses were almost touching, emerald eyes impossibly wide. Riku stared at him taken aback, one silver brow rising slightly. "And there are marshmallows! Marshmallows, Riku! A whole fucking table full of marshmallows! And Graham crackers! And chocolate bars! Riku! Do you know what that _means_?" The redhead shook his still surprised friend lightly, his voice dropping almost to a whisper, sounding oddly choked and slightly higher than normal. "S'mores, Riku! _S'mores_! The campfire food of the _gods_!"

By now everybody was staring at him puzzled. Except Demyx, who hid a smile behind one hand, Roxas, who was still staring at him dreamy, enchanted by the sheer beauty of his happy smile, and Sora who now positively _beamed_ at the overly excited redhead.

"Yeah, exactly what I said! What would be a bonfire without S'mores? Boring, that's what!" Sora exclaimed happily. "And Roxas told me yesterday that maybe you would like to light our bonfire this year?"

Roxas never thought it was possible for a human being to look this _delighted_. Axel looked as if he was about to _cry_!

"You... you would let _me_..." he gasped, his bright eyes wandering from one twin to the other. Roxas felt like he was going to faint if the redhead looked at him like that any longer... He felt a hot blush tinging his cheeks and looked away quickly, playing nervously with the hem of his white shirt.

And then he squeaked startled when he was suddenly pulled into a hug, soft spikes of red hair tickling his face, the scent of cigarettes, cinnamon and caramel filling his senses, turning his brain into _mush_.

He froze, feeling his face heat up even more and his hands grow cold at the same time. His heart seemed to be racing in his chest, and his mind was blank and full of confused thoughts all at once. He forgot how to talk, how to move, how to _breathe_ for a moment, screaming confusedly and singing jubilantly inwardly.

_Axel's hugging me oh my god he's touching me and he smells so good and he's so close andsowarmandsobeautifulandohgodhe'sdrivingme**insane**..._

He could feel his cheek being pressed against a hard, thin chest, Axel being much taller than him, and he could feel long, warm arms circling him, slender hands resting on the small of his back. He could feel soft breathing ruffling his hair, and he could _swear_ he could hear Axel's heart beating fast where his ear was pressed against Axel's chest. But he couldn't bring himself to return the really short, a bit awkward hug, just stood there trying to keep his heart from exploding in his chest, trying to steady his breathing again without passing out from the overload of sensations running through his whole body, making his nerves tingle and his skin burn, his stomach clench and his knees go weak.

And then Axel let him go again, still smiling down at him gleefully and tousling blond hair with one hand.

"Sunshine, that just made my fucking day!" he exclaimed happily, letting go of Roxas' hair and sighing, closing his eyes for a short moment.

Roxas tried hard not to stare at the redhead, not to grab his shoulders and yank him back to...

He shook his head violently, folding his arms in front of his chest and biting his lower lip, staring down at the ground before him.

Axel thankfully moved, stepping away to thank Sora too. Roxas didn't even hear what they were saying. He only heard the loud pounding of his racing heart.

He registered Sora, Axel, Riku and Demyx walking away, and far, endlessly far away cheerful chatter reached his ears as the others greeted them. He took one deep, shaky breath, still trying to regain his composure.

"That's really nice of you," somebody suddenly said, startling Roxas out of his confused thoughts. He looked up, staring at Zexion who looked at him, a small, sad smile on his lips. "You letting him light it I mean. Really thoughtful of you."

Roxas blinked, not fully grasping the meaning of the words spoken to him and unable to form an answer. But Zexion didn't seem to want an answer anyway, he just smiled a little bit more and shook his head lightly.

"Sometimes I think he's quite a bit... bipolar. He tends to get way too excited over anything that has to do with fire. But... I haven't seen him laugh like that for a long time," he added, looking over Roxas' shoulder and sighing softly. "Not since..."

He stopped himself, a sad look crossing his face briefly before he shook his head again.

"Since what?" Roxas forced out hoarsely, stepping closer to the blue haired boy. "Since _what_, Zexion?"

But he didn't seem to want to talk about it. He just looked down, trying to brush past Roxas to follow his friends down to the beach, his lips pressed together in a tight line.

Roxas wanted to scream because of the frustration building up in his chest, and for a second he wanted to grab Zexion and force an answer, an explanation out of him... but his hand stopped midway, falling to his side again. It wouldn't be right to do that. It would only scare the poor boy, and Roxas didn't want that.

But he called out the blue haired boy's name to hold him back, biting his lower lip when Zexion looked back at him.

"Are... are you mad at me?" he asked nervously, not being able to look Zexion in the eye. He stared at a point over Zexion's shoulder, now starting to pluck at his wristband again. Damn. He had to stop this nervous habit. Almost all of his wristbands were already falling apart because of it...

One dark gray-blue brow was arched questioningly. "Mad at you? Why would I be mad at you?" Zexion asked calmly.

"Well, because..." Roxas forced himself to look at Zexion properly. "I just thought you were because... Demyx talked to me. And... you didn't really talk to me since then."

He was rather surprised when Zexion smiled at this. It was a very small, very sad smile, but a smile nonetheless.

"No, I'm not mad at you, Roxas," he answered. "I'm sorry if my behavior made you believe I was. I think it's a good thing he trusts you enough to talk in front of you."

"Oh... okay," Roxas replied, but now he was confused. "But... are you mad at him then?"

The sad smile widened a fraction. Zexion looked to the side, his hair hiding most of his face. "No," he answered quietly. "I could never be mad at _him_."

Roxas wanted to ask him why he was acting so strange and avoiding Demyx then, but Zexion turned and followed his friends down to the beach, leaving Roxas behind.

* * *

He tried to talk to Zexion a few times after that, but Zexion seemed to avoid him. Not that there was that much space on the private beach, but Zexion somehow always seemed to be as far away from him as possible.

He gave up after a while, letting himself be distracted by Hayner and Tidus who dragged him down to the water to start a new game of blitzball. He, Sora and Hayner were losing terribly against Tidus and Wakka, the two of them being their school's star players.

After a while (and galleons of swallowed salt water) he looked back at the beach, noticing Riku and Demyx watching them longingly. They were sitting near the shore with the girls, Pence and Axel, who were cheering for the boys playing in the warm water, Axel throwing in a crude comment every now and then, making everybody laugh. Zexion was sitting near the one already lightened fireplace, obviously deep in thought, all by himself.

Roxas gestured his friends to pause the game and swam to the shore, walking over to where Riku and Demyx were sitting. He plopped down next to them, grinning broadly.

"Hey, you guys want to join?" he asked lightly, pointing to the other boys still swimming around in the water.

He had obviously guessed right, because Demyx' face brightened instantly. But then he blinked, looking down at himself and shaking his head, pointing at his clothes.

"We didn't bring bathing suits," Riku explained, grinning sheepishly. "Stupid, hu? Sora told us the party would be at the beach..."

"Oh, no problem!" Sora exclaimed cheerfully from behind Roxas, falling into the warm sand next to his twin. He a little out of breath, cheeks still flushed from the exercise in the water, brown spikes limp from the water and clinging to his face. "I already figured... I bought trunks for all of you yesterday... had to guess you sizes though..."

Roxas had to chuckle at the dumbfounded expressions on both boys' faces. Yes, Sora had that effect on people... As ditzy and airheaded he tended to act sometimes, he was a genius when it came to planning one of these parties. He never forgot even the tiniest detail.

"You... _what_?" Riku forced out after a while, making Sora laugh.

"Yeah, well, do you want to join? C'mon, it'll be fun!" Sora said, standing up and gesturing them to follow him.

"I don't know..." Riku seemed hesitant, looking at Demyx briefly. The mulleted boy seemed uncertain too, biting his lower lip while looking around the beach, blushing when his eyes finally rested on the four girls watching the boys play in the water.

Obviously Kairi caught his look, because she suddenly jumped up. "Hey, girls, how about we go watch a movie inside until the boys finish their game? It's still two hours until we can light the bonfire..."

Roxas had to laugh when Axel pouted at her words. The redhead had tried to persuade Sora into letting him light the fire before the sunset the whole afternoon, but Sora insisted they followed the tradition of their annual festival.

"We could..." Axel tried again, but sighed when Sora just shook his head frowning. He jutted out his lower lip in a pouty way that made Roxas want to run over and capture it with his own...

_Goddammit_!

He resisted the urge to slap himself, forcing another grin on his face. But he noticed his brother staring at him oddly.

Again. _Dammit_! Why did twins have to have this strange ability to know what the other was feeling?

"Yay! Chick flicks! I DEMAND CARAMEL POPCORN!!" Selphie gratefully supported Kairi's suggestion instantly. The small brunette jumped up, dragging Olette and Naminé with her and ran to the house, the other two girls in tow. Kairi smiled at Demyx and waved at him before following them.

"Odd," Axel commented puzzled. "Why watch stupid movies when you can spend the whole afternoon at a fucking _private _beach?"

"Well, for one, we are at the beach almost every day," Sora replied shrugging.

"And two, our home cinema is really nice," Roxas added grinning, earning another unbelieving look. "Well, it's not really a cinema, just a room in the basement where we watch movies."

"But it's big and the seats are all plushy and comfy and the projector is new, and the film is projected on one of the walls, and it's in surround sound, of course. And there is a popcorn machine. It's cool," Sora said, again smiling at Riku and Demyx. "Whatever, I'll show you sometime. But now... you wanna play? C'mon, you can change upstairs..."

Riku shrugged and nodded, standing up and holding out a hand for Demyx to take. Demyx bit his lip again, then sighed inaudibly and took Riku's hand to stand up. Sora turned to look at Axel who didn't seem to want to move from his comfortable position in the sand.

"Do you want to come too?" Sora asked, getting just a brief wave from the redhead in return.

"Nah, I'm not that much of a swimmer," he replied lightly. "I'll just watch, thanks."

Sora shrugged and nodded, leading the other boys to the house, asking Zexion if he wanted to come too when they walked past the blue haired boy. He just shook his head, not even looking up.

Roxas noticed Demyx seemed to hesitate when they passed the other boy, looking back at Zexion with a sad expression on his face. And as soon as he turned Zexion looked up, watching Demyx until he disappeared into the mansion. The look on his face was unreadable, but something in his posture made him look depressed and down. The way his shoulders were sagged, the way he had folded his arms, almost like he wanted to hug himself...

"Hey, Axel," Roxas said, looking at the redhead who seemed to be discussing something with Pence and Hayner who had joined them on the beach, still dripping wet. Tidus and Wakka were still in the water, Tidus trying a new blitzball shot on Wakka who deflected it easily.

Axel looked back at him over one shoulder, arching one red brow questioningly. "Hm?"

"What's up with Zexion?" Roxas asked. "Don't you think you should talk to him?"

Axel sighed sadly, looking out at the sea again. Hayner and Pence stopped talking, watching the two of them silently.

"We tried to talk to him yesterday, after... you know. After this thing in school, with Demy talking to you and Zex avoiding him afterwards... He just locked himself into his room. He doesn't talk to me or Riku at all when he's like that," the redhead answered darkly, drawing strange patterns into the sand next to him with one finger. "He doesn't want to talk to anybody when he's in one of his moods. Usually Demyx is able to cheer him up, but this time... dunno, he doesn't want to talk to Demyx. Because... y'know, he's mad at him, I think. It's best to leave him alone."

But that wasn't the reason Zexion was down. He had told Roxas he wasn't mad at Demyx. But why...

Why hadn't he told Axel and Riku that?

"Do you think he would talk to me about it?" he asked, watching as Axel destroyed the patterns he had drawn into the sand with a swipe of one hand. He had no clue why he had asked that. Hell, he hated such stupid scenes, talking about feelings and stuff... He wasn't really good at it. _Sora _was the compassionate twin. He always knew how to cheer somebody up.

But... he felt somehow responsible for Zexion's bad mood.

"No friggin' clue," Axel answered shrugging. "You could try, I guess. But I doubt it."

Roxas nodded, standing up and walking over to Zexion. Sora, Riku and Demyx had already left the house again.

"I'm out," he told Sora, trying not to look at Demyx. "I'll just sit with Zexion for a while, okay?"

Sora quickly looked in Zexion's direction, then nodded and walked away, Riku and Demyx following him. Demyx was still looking sad, but a small smile found it's way on his face when they reached the shore.

Roxas sat down next to Zexion, watching silently as Riku and Demyx joined the other boys in the water. It made him smile to see how much fun the mute boy seemed to have, splashing around in the warm water, swimming around the other boys surprisingly fast, not at all frightened to be on his own for once. Riku stayed near him all the time of course, but Demyx didn't even seem to mind when Sora bumped into him accidentally. No, he just laughed.

Laughed!

It was the first time anybody here, besides his friends and Roxas, actually heard him utter a sound, and there he was, laughing loudly and splashing water at Riku and swimming away gracefully, only to come back to try to pull Riku underwater. The two boys started a water fight, Demyx still laughing and giggling occasionally, Riku grinning broadly. Sora watched them amazed, smiling himself, the others stopped playing to watch them too.

And then Demyx dived, suddenly surfacing next to Sora and tackling him, pulling Roxas' unsuspecting twin underwater. That action seemed to catch even Axel and Riku off-guard, for both of them stared at Demyx for a moment wide-eyed, until Axel jumped up and started to cheer for Demyx who now had a quite hard time to fend off Sora's tickle-attacks. He didn't seem to mind Sora touching him this time.

Roxas broke out in a broad grin. It seemed like Demyx was finally opening up at least to him and Sora... He felt pretty special because of that...

... until he heard a small sound, like a barely held back sob, right next to him...

He turned to look at Zexion, this happy feeling vanishing promptly when he saw the other boy was crying. Zexion was biting his lip to hold back sobs, but tears were flowing freely over his cheek, and his shoulders were jerking from time to time. He tried to wipe his face with both hands, careful not to show the right side of his face, but his hands were shaking so badly he let them drop into his lap again, just closing his eyes and looking down, still letting out a choked sob or a quiet gasp every now and then.

Roxas reached out to him carefully, touching his shoulder gingerly. "Zexion? What's wrong?" he asked hesitantly, pulling his hand back when Zexion turned away from him, hiding his face in both hands.

Okay... he hadn't expected that. He had known something was wrong, but... he really hadn't expected Zexion to _cry_. He was at a loss what to do, what to say to calm him down... The happy laughter and cheerful shouts drifting up to them from the shore sounded so _wrong_, seeing Zexion being so distressed to actually cry!

"Do you... do you want to... go somewhere else?" Roxas asked helplessly, sighing somewhat relieved when Zexion nodded after a while. At least he was responding to him _somehow_.

He helped Zexion stand up, leading the other boy to the flower garden, to a small, secluded place surrounded by hedges, shielding them from curious looks. He came here often to think or to do his homework. Some of his books and notepads and pens still lay there, scattered across the small stone table. It was quiet, but one could still hear the gentle rolling of the waves, and right now they could still hear laughter coming from the beach.

He let Zexion sit down on a small stone bench, sitting on the table next to the bench himself after brushing his stuff aside, letting his feet dangle over the edge. Zexion pulled his legs up, feet resting on the edge of the bench, resting his head on his knees. He sighed deeply, but at least the tears seemed to have subsided, and he was breathing normally again.

Roxas waited patiently, giving Zexion time to pull himself together again. He tried to smile when the other teen looked up again, tried to calm him down. He didn't think it worked too well. But at least Zexion decided to speak again.

"Thank you," he rasped out, voice still sounding choked from crying. "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... I'm... sorry." He hid his face behind one hand again, sighing deeply. "You... you can go back again. I'm okay."

"No," Roxas said simply. Zexion sighed again, peering at him from between his fingers.

"Really, I'm fine now. I'm sorry you had to see that..." He closed his visible eye, pinching the bridge of his nose, careful not to show his face. "I don't want to spoil the party for you. I'll just... sit here for a while."

"'Kay," Roxas said, not moving from his place on the table, swinging his legs slightly. Zexion eyed him warily. Roxas didn't look at him, just watched the flowers surrounding them moving in a gentle breeze, waiting for Zexion to speak again. He really wanted to know what was wrong, but he didn't want to pressure the poor boy too much...

Both stayed silent for a while, listening to merry laughter both coming from the beach and from a partly opened window leading to the 'home cinema'.

"Why did he talk to you?"

It was only a whisper, Roxas barely even caught it. But he did, and the tone it was said in was so hurt and sad it made him almost... feel ashamed. He didn't even know why, but suddenly he felt horrible. He looked at Zexion again who quickly averted his gaze, clamping one hand over his mouth as if he hadn't intended to say that out loud.

"I... don't know," he answered softly, looking down at his hands, playing with the wristband around his wrist once again. "I think he was just... grateful, because I... chased those idiots away." He paused for a moment, looking at Zexion again. "Didn't... didn't he tell you why?"

At this Zexion chuckled hysterically, his hand still over his mouth. He chuckled, closing his eyes and looking down. He still chuckled when he finally let his hand drop again, the mirthless sound more and more sounding like broken-hearted sobs. It was making Roxas feel uneasy, but he refused to go away and leave Zexion alone like his brain screamed at him to do. Dammit, Sora was so much better with situations like this!

"He doesn't tell me _anything_!" Zexion finally gasped, still grinning miserably when he looked up at Roxas again, his visible eye once again swimming in tears. "He _never_ talks to _me_!"

Roxas stared at him unbelievingly, causing Zexion to laugh again. It sounded horrible, lifeless and hollow.

"But... he..." Roxas stuttered confused, "You... how... _What_?"

"He talks to Axel. To Riku. To _you_! Never to me," Zexion explained, slightly desperate sounding laughter still apparent in his voice. "He never says a word to me! Oh, he speaks when I'm _around_, but he never talks _to me_!" His voice was getting louder and shriller with every word said, until he was almost screaming. "And h-he lets S-Sora and you t-touch him! I had to wait f-for _months_, before... he..."

The blue haired teen closed his eyes tightly, causing tears to fall from his eyes again, but he just gasped for air once, obviously trying to hold himself back.

"But... he... you..." Roxas tried again to voice his confused thoughts, but he failed again, closing his mouth shut when Zexion fisted one hand in his silky hair and forced his breathing to slow down. When he spoke again his voice sounded almost normal, just slightly hoarse and shaky, but calm.

"I'm sorry," he said quietly, smoothing his hair down again. "I... didn't mean to yell at you. Sorry."

"But... but... I don't get it!" Roxas shouted confused, throwing his arms into the air. "You always know what he wants to say! You're always with him! When... when Seifer wanted to beat you up... after that... you... kissed him! I thought... you and him... were..."

Zexion looked up again, raising a brow slightly, then smiled sadly. His eye was reddened from crying so much, as was his cheek, and Roxas frowned. The smile looked genuine, but so _wrong_!

"No," Zexion replied still smiling. "Never. We are not together, and we will never be." He sighed, closing his eyes for a second. "I know what he wants to say most of the time, that's true. But he never actually talks to me. Usually I understand what he wants to say, sometimes he has to write it down. Sometimes he even... even tells Axel or Riku to tell me something. I had to learn how to understand him, because he refuses to talk to me directly."

"But... why? You two look so close..." Roxas stopped himself. Maybe Zexion didn't want to talk about it... but...

"You think?" Zexion smiled fleetingly again. "I guess. I don't know why. Sometimes I think..." He sighed again. "I think he's afraid of me. You... you saw me, after this... scene with Seifer and... when... when you brought him to class. I just... Sometimes I can't hold myself back."

"But he said he wasn't afraid of you," Roxas objected, remembering this strange talk. "He said he knew..."

"... I would never hurt him," Zexion finished for him. "I know what he said." He paused for a moment, probably debating whether to tell Roxas more. "But... he... he knows," he added after a while, his voice becoming quieter and quieter. "He knows... what I feel. I..." He bit his lip. "I... care about him. A lot. And... I know that scares him. He isn't ready... yet." He laughed quickly, then sighed. "It's kind of... kind of funny. Two years ago I would have done everything to be this close to him, to be allowed to touch him, and now... Did you know that Axel and Demyx were together back then?"

Roxas' breath hitched in his throat, and he felt the blush that threatened to spread over his cheeks almost every time the redhead was mentioned already rising... but he also felt a painful sting in his heart.

"No... I... didn't..." he whispered. He couldn't believe it... Axel... and Demyx? But they... they never acted like that!

"It didn't last that long," Zexion confirmed, staring ahead thoughtfully. "Only for about two or three months. I already liked Demyx back then..." He chuckled sadly, plucking a beautiful blue flower from a nearby bush and twirling it between his fingers. "You should've seen him... He was so... _lively_. Not like now. He was... happy. Carefree. A lot like Sora. Warm and nice and cheerful... always smiling. He almost never stopped talking, and he sang... so beautifully. He was one of the most popular kids in our school, along with Axel... And... I was nothing. Just the geek from the back row. The one who always did his homework, the one who always knew the answers... The one who never talked unless asked. I guess... my classmates perceived me as quite... emotionless. But... Demyx... he... he tried to get me to talk. I never wanted to talk to him because... I was scared, I guess. I thought he only wanted to make fun of me. _Everyone_ did. But he..."

Roxas waited patiently when Zexion paused, chewing on his lower lip and blinking a few times before he continued. He could see it was hard for Zexion to tell him that, and he didn't want to scare him away by saying the wrong thing... and about _everything_ he could say at this moment would be wrong, he knew.

"He was really nice to me," Zexion finally said, sighing once and closing his eyes briefly. "He wanted to talk to me. He said... he said he liked my voice. That was reason enough for him to... try to get to know me. And then... then he and Axel got together, and... things changed. I realized... I realized I was... envious. Because even though Demyx kind of liked me, I knew he would never look at me the way he looked at Axel."

There it was again. This painful, painful sting in his chest. The lump forming in his throat, making it hard to breath. The burning sensation in his eyes. He felt horrible for it, but... he was _jealous_.

"They were acting so... sickeningly sweet and caring... I couldn't stand it. I watched them from afar, never able to tell Demyx how I feel. I acted as if it didn't matter he had a boyfriend now. He never... he never noticed. But every time I saw them, together, in love... I wanted to die."

Now he curled up again, hugging his knees to his chest and starting to rock back and forth softly, forcing the words out of his mouth, even paler than before. He stared at nothing, Roxas wasn't even sure if he knew whom he told about all that anymore... He didn't care. He just let the other boy talk.

"And... and now... now he can't even look at me..." He rested his face on his knees. "Now... finally I can touch him, hold his hand, embrace him like I always wanted to... He... he even lets me kiss him sometimes, but... h-he still w-won't ever feel the same f-for me... I-It's enough for me just t-to be with... him, just to... be there for him, but sometimes... sometimes I wish he could look at me without flinching away, I wish... I wish he could talk to me... could... kiss me back without being scared."

Roxas wanted to ask so bad... ask what had happened to change Demyx so much. Ask what had happened to all of them. But he didn't. He knew he wouldn't get an answer. Not yet.

"Why do you think he won't ever like you back?" he asked instead, smiling softly when Zexion looked up to him again. "I think he does. He's with you most of the time after all. Not with Axel."

"That's only because of what happened to them," Zexion replied darkly. Roxas perked up at this. He said '_them_'. Not '_us_'. Strange. "And don't ask. I..."

"... can't tell. I know. I didn't want to ask anyway," Roxas lied, rubbing his cheek with one hand and looking down. "But... still, he acts like he likes you."

Zexion laughed sharply, humorlessly. "I'm not sure if he is _able_ to like anybody like that anymore," he said. "And even if he _is_... He will never look at me the way he looked at Axel back then."

"Why do you think that?" Roxas asked, again suppressing the urge to ask Zexion what he meant. Why shouldn't Demyx be _able_ to like him?

"Well, because I'm _hideous_." Zexion sighed, then smiled when he noticed Roxas staring at him speechlessly. "Don't look at me like that. I know I am. And don't think I didn't notice the way you look at Axel. He _is_ pretty handsome, I know that. I could never compete with him..."

Roxas felt his face heat up, but he chose to ignore the last statement. "Why the hell do you think you're hideous? You are not!" He really didn't think that. Maybe he wasn't as beautiful as Axel, or as handsome as Riku, but... Zexion wasn't bad looking either. His dark hair really brought out the paleness of his fair skin, and his eyes... eye was a really rare, beautiful shade of blue, dark and mysterious... his features were sharp, but not too much...

"Because of _this_," Zexion answered dully, sweeping aside the long bangs hiding his face with one hand, staring at Roxas miserably.

Roxas had to suppress a shocked scream, slapping both of his hands over his mouth to hold it back, but a loud gasp still escaped his lips. He wanted to look away, tried not to stare, but his eyes were glued to the right side of Zexion's face. He was unable to move, he could just stare at him wide-eyed...

A long, ugly, light brown scar ran across the pale skin, barely missing the right eye. It looked horrible, brutal. It was already healed, but it had to have been painful when it was fresh. It began on his temple, just missed his eye and ended at his cheek, contrasting sharply with the pallor of his skin, marring his otherwise handsome features. It looked like somebody had tried to cut his eye out of his face...

But the most shocking thing was the eye itself. It was blind. The iris was purely white, unseeing. It contrasted shockingly with his other, dark blue orb...

Roxas shuddered involuntarily, still clamping his hands over his mouth to prevent himself from screaming. This blind eye looked so scary, and the scar...

He really screamed when suddenly somebody ran past him, pulling Zexion into a tight hug. He saw wet, dirty blond hair now sticking to a slightly tanned, boyish face, huge blue-green eyes...

Demyx was crying. He let go of Zexion after a while, looking at the other boy sadly, stroking silky, gray-blue hair softly. He shook his head, mouthing 'No!' and pressing his lips together in a tight line. Tears trickled from his clear eyes, dripping from his chin, mingling with seawater still glistening on his skin.

Zexion stared at the other boy surprised, his hair already falling over his face again, hiding the scar and the blind orb from view. He tried to speak, but Demyx laid one hand over his mouth to silence him.

Demyx looked around, sniffling when he saw the notepads lying around, grabbing one of them and a pen. He started to write, sniffing and trembling the whole time.

Roxas stared at them surprised, then realized maybe he should let them some privacy. But when he moved to walk away, a shaking hand closed around his wrist, holding him back. He looked back at Demyx, confused about his action, but then he saw Demyx holding the notepad out to him.

He didn't understand first, but Demyx just stared at him desperately, holding the notepad a bit higher.

"Do... do you want me to read it?" he asked puzzled, glancing at Zexion who was still staring at Demyx speechlessly. Demyx nodded frantically, pointing at the notepad and then at Zexion. "You... want me to read it out loud to Zexion?" Roxas guessed, finally taking the notepad when Demyx nodded again, smiling relieved.

He skimmed Demyx' writing, biting his lip and glancing at Demyx again. This was really personal... he didn't know if he really wanted to be involved in this...

Demyx looked back at him pleadingly, then looked at Zexion sadly. Zexion's eye wandered from Demyx to Roxas, then back, and he opened his mouth to speak again...

Roxas cleared his throat and started to read.

"_It's not like that_," he read, "_It's not because of the scar or feelings I have for Axel or anything like that why I can't talk to you. I don't care about the scar, you're still the most beautiful man I've ever seen, Zexion. I don't have feelings like that for Axel anymore; It was a long time ago, and even back then it was never that serious. I still love him, but like I would love a brother. And I know he loves me like a brother too, nothing more. I can't talk to you, because... because I'm scared. I'm not scared of you! I'm scared of myself. I... care about you. A lot. But I can't tell you that, and you know why I can't. I still need time... I'm sorry. I don't want to lose you, I really don't. If I lost you, I'd die! I need you, more than anybody else. You are my strength, my hope, my light. You give me the strength to move on. You are the reason I am able to talk again at all! But I have to wait until... until I can tell you how I feel for you. I'm sorry, I really don't want to hurt you, but I can't tell you yet. And I can't talk to you until I am able to tell you how much you mean to me. I'm sorry._"

Roxas fell silent, laying the notepad down on the table. Demyx and Zexion were looking at each other, Zexion still shocked, Demyx holding his hand and with a pleading, desperate expression on his face. When Roxas stopped reading, they stared at each other for a while, until Demyx leaned forward to capture Zexion's lips with his own. The kiss was chaste and sweet, barely more than a short touching of lips, but full of love and feelings Roxas couldn't even _begin_ to describe.

Roxas took this as a sign to leave them alone. He tiptoed backwards until he felt the hedge around his secret place in his back, turning and heading for the exit as quietly as possible.

It was only then he realized he heard voices coming from the beach. Loud voices calling out Demyx' name. Axel's and Riku's and Sora's voices.

He left the flower garden behind, walking down to the beach. The boys were running around the beach, obviously searching for Demyx. Axel and Riku looked like they were near having a panic attack, Riku running up to Roxas when he spotted him.

The silver haired boy almost grabbed him by the shoulders, but let his arms drop to his sides again before he did.

"Have you... have you seen him? Demyx?" he asked breathlessly. Axel was standing next to him a few seconds later, and the redhead didn't think twice about grabbing Roxas' arm.

"We can't find him!" the distressed redhead cried, his grip around Roxas' wrist almost painfully tight. "He... he was in the water, with the others, and then he was gone! I didn't even see him coming out of the water, but... he..."

"He's fine," Roxas said calmly, surprised about himself for not blushing when he pried Axel's hand from his arm and squeezed it gently before letting go. "He's with Zexion. They are in the flower garden."

"Thank God!" Riku breathed, letting his shoulders slump a little.

"The hell? What are they doing? Are they okay?" Axel asked, obviously still worried.

Roxas smiled. "I think they are _now_," he replied, glancing at Sora who had joined them.

Riku and Sora seemed to understand, but Axel still didn't seem convinced. "We have to..." he began, but Riku shook his head and held him back.

"Don't. Leave them alone for a while," he said smiling.

"Yeah! We have to do other stuff anyway!" Sora chimed in, bouncing around them excitedly. "We have to light the torches... See? The sun is already setting!"

"Who cares about the torches?" Axel cried, trying again to break away from Riku. "I want to know if Demyx and Zexion are okay!"

"Oh, they're busy," Namine said suddenly. The girls just came back from watching their movie, all four of them grinning broadly.

"Biting each other's faces," Selphie added. Olette slapped the back of her head lightly for that comment.

"Biting... what?" Axel stared at the girls, blinking dumbly. He, too, received a smack to the back of his head. Riku snickered.

"Really, you are so dense sometimes," the silver haired teen chuckled.

"What? Hey?" Axel yelled, rubbing the back of his head. "What do you..." Suddenly his eyes went wide, and a blush swept over his face, tinging his cheeks a healthy red. "Oh! OH!" He grinned, clasping his hands in front of his face. "Ohmygosh, they... Oooooh, my boys are all grown up now! My! They grow up so _fast_!" He wiped a fake tear from the corner of his eye, then whirled around smirking evilly, suddenly holding his silver lighter in his hand. "Did anyone say something about lighting the torches? Dammit, why aren't they lightened yet? WHY ISN'T THIS FUCKING BEACH ON FIRE?? OH, AND DON'T ANYBODY DARE TRY TO LIGHT ANYTHING WITHOUT ME!!"

* * *

**Short Notes:** Hehe. Sorry, I couldn't resist. Axel's just too weird. And bipolar. o.O Weirdo. But I still love him!!

We-hell. The second part of this awfully long chapter. Did I really think once I could write all of this in one chapter? Fuck, what shit was I high on?

Anyway. I'm really sorry about the delay. But I think the chapter makes up for it. At least if you like emo!Zexy. And I even got to add some Zemyx! Yay! My, aren't they cute together? Awwwww... Well, I hope that was enough emoliciousness for you people, 'cause I don't think Zexion is going to get all emo in the near future again, now that Demyx finally _kissed_ him! Hehe. But no worries, there is going to be more emoness... just not from Zexion.

And the next part will finally contain yummy AkuRokuness! Yay! But this time I won't set myself a deadline to finish and post it. I think it will take a little bit longer than the last chapters... I hope you can wait so long :( I'm such a slowpoke! I know!

Haha, but at least I have you guys to review and inspire me! :D You rock! **I GOT FUCKING 100 REVIEWS!!! AND FUCKING 5000 HITS!!!! FUCK!!!!! I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!!!! AWESOME!!!!!!!!! **Whew, that's so cool! I never thought I'd get so many when I started writing this story! Wow! Thank you so much for that!! Again, thank you! I would hug you all if I could, because you're so amazing and so nice to me! You like my story! Yay!!!

And thanks again to all of you who reviewed (yeah, I know, I repeat myself) and were already mentioned in the last chapters. And thanks to all new reviewers: **ToetalNnyfanatik, kawaiifox1, shad0wOFn0th1ng, Shadowroxas, Anya Urameshi, HieiWannabe, Nia 88, **

o.O Again, I hope I wrote your names right. And I hope I didn't forget anybody. All of you who already reviewed former chapters, thank you again! If you reviewed and weren't mentioned here or the last chapters... slap me. And send me a message so I won't forget you again! Every single one of my reviewers get's at least one shout-out!

My, I'm rambling. Eh. Well. Again my special thanks to **Riku-stalker** (I hope I get random messages from you again soon XD) and **Kuraieshi** (Found something in this chapter that inspired you to draw?)! What would I do without you? XP Luv ya all! Bye!


	12. Chapter 11

**Summary:** His life had always been perfect, or at least so Roxas had liked to think. But overcoming his own fears for someone else isn't as easy as it seems. When both his own and his lover's past threatens their unstable relationship, Roxas has to face the truth: His life was far from perfect. But at least it was better than Axel's.

**Warnings:** Yaoi. More emoness, more breakdowns, naughty thoughts and kissing... and a reason for you guys to probably hate me when you finish reading this chapter... o.O

**Pairings:** AkuRoku main, RikuxSora, ZexionxDemyx side pairings. Possible LeonxCloud later on. Much, much later though.

**Disclaimer:** Insert a standard disclaimer here. I'm out of witty ideas.

There you have your AkuRoku chapter. Hm... I just want to say it was fun with you guys. Just in case you don't want to talk to me anymore when you finish this chapter. xP

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**Perfect Match - Chapter 11**

It was fun to watch Axel. At least Roxas thought so. He watched amused as the redhead shooed everyone away, demanding they get out of his way so he could 'SET EVERYTHING ON FIRE _PROPERLY_, GODDAMMIT!!'

Sora seemed to be somewhat alarmed about the way Axel got excited over lighting everything, mumbling something like "He _knows_ he isn't allowed to set the house on fire, right?" But Riku assured them Axel knew exactly what he was doing. The silver haired teen told them not to worry but to watch, because he was sure Axel would give them one hell of a show.

"He's a _magician_ when it comes to fire," he said smirking. "Just watch."

So he and everyone else (including Demyx and Zexion who had returned to the beach, both of them smiling happily and holding hands once again, blushing lightly when the girls 'awwwwww'ed at them) watched as Axel grabbed one of the torches from where they were standing or sitting next to the tents, most of them whispering and giggling about Axel's childlike behavior. Granted, he was a very tall, already eighteen year old child playing with _fire_, but the way his eyes shone even more than usual, the way his grin threatened to split his face in half if it got any wider, the way he seemed to _dance_ around on the beach, in between the torches surrounding the tables and the fireplaces... it was a truly adorable sight.

Axel hummed happily when he clicked his lighter open, holding the small flame near the flammable end of the long stick. The flammable substance soaking the cloth around the torch immediately caught fire, and Roxas' breath caught in his throat.

The way the light of the setting sun and the light the torch was emitting casted soft shadows on Axel's face and body, the way the redhead's pale skin seemed to glow in this light... It reminded him so much of that day they had met, when Axel had been in his home, when Roxas had tried to kiss him...

And he discovered he still felt horrible about it.

Because he wanted to try it again.

"Good choice, Sora," Axel all but _purred_, looking over to where Roxas' twin was sitting cross-legged next to Riku. "Highly inflammable. Lights up really fast too. _Perfect_."

Sora grinned at the praise, giving the redhead a thumbs-up.

The sun already had disappeared halfway behind the sea, casting the whole beach in a warm, golden and orange light. Axel glanced at the horizon, an unbelievably handsome smirk on his face. He chuckled, grabbing another torch and lighting it with the one already burning.

"The bonfire has to be lighted _after_ the sun has set, right?" he asked still smirking. Roxas' stomach fluttered when Axel peered at _him_ from under long, dark lashes questioningly. Gods, so _beautiful_... Axel's eyes reflected the warm light of the sun, changing their color into a soft orange, giving them the illusion of burning themselves. The black markings on his cheeks accented the almost unnatural brightness of those wonderful eyes and the paleness of his skin, shadows casted over his sharp features by the light giving him an almost frail and delicate appearance. Spiky red hair danced around his head in a gentle breeze coming from the sea, a few of the brightly colored strands brushing over his face, taunting Roxas to push them back. Oh, how he yearned to feel the softness of these fiery locks again, how he wondered what the pale skin, those tempting lips would feel like under his hands and lips...

He remembered to nod, trying to keep the threatening blush from his face, but failing when Axel laughed softly. The gentle sound had to be the most beautiful thing he had ever heard...

Fuck, and blushing had to be the stupidest body function _ever_!

"Alright. Then I'll have to start with all those torches, then the fireplaces," the redhead said still grinning, walking over to where Demyx was standing, still holding Zexion's hand tightly. The burning sticks in Axel's hands swayed slightly back and forth, stopping when he raised his arms a bit, stretching them behind him and leaning forward slightly. "Would you help me a bit, Dem?" he asked, smirking at the slightly smaller boy flirtatiously. He leaned closer still, until Roxas believed he was going to _kiss_ Demyx... He felt the overwhelming urge to run over and stand between them, because...

... Holy shit, how much more did Axel want to lean forward? Did he really... But he _knew_ Demyx had kissed Zexion earlier... but it _really_ looked like he wanted to kiss the blond boy...

Obviously Zexion thought so too, because the smile on his face seemed to freeze, and he slowly let go of Demyx' hand.

Demyx still grinned, shoving Axel away and grabbing Zexion's hand again, holding it tightly. He turned to the blue haired boy, kissing his cheek softly, causing Zexion to blush heavily and stare at him dumbfounded, obviously shocked by Demyx' bold move, and causing the girls to melt out of adoration for this cute display of affection. Demyx blushed himself, smiling at Zexion shyly before turning to Axel again. An unbelieving yet unbelievably _happy_ smile made it's way to Zexion's face as he stared at Demyx adoringly, slowly intertwining his fingers with the other boy's.

Roxas let out the breath he hadn't even noticed he had been holding.

If anything, the smirk on the redhead's face had widened. Axel snickered, causing Zexion's face to color even more, then straightened again, holding the burning torches to the side.

"You finally told him, huh?" Axel said, winking at Demyx who scratched his head smiling sheepishly, then shrugged and shook his head.

"Not _exactly_," Zexion translated quietly, finally regaining control over his facial features, once again appearing collected and calm. But a small smile still lingered on his lips, and his visible eye seemed brighter than before. Roxas could _almost_ forget about the other one when Zexion smiled like that... the blind, white, glassy eye surrounded by that horrible scar... "But that's none of your business anyway. Aren't your overgrown matches there burning down?"

"No, they're the good stuff," Axel replied lightly, grinning at Zexion. "They will burn the whole fucking night. Don't you worry about that. And it _is_ my fucking business if you want to go out with my ex-boyfriend, emo boy." His smirk widened when Zexion flipped him the bird, but Roxas could see Zexion was still smiling. Axel chuckled when everyone else gaped at him and Demyx, obviously shocked about the 'ex-boyfriend' statement. "But we'll talk about _that_ later. For now, I just want to borrow Demykins for a while, if that's okay with you... He's gotta choose the right background music for me..."

Background music for lighting the fireplaces? This was getting weirder and weirder...

Zexion just sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. But Demyx' face lit up even more, and the mute boy nodded enthusiastically.

"Background music? What's that about?" Roxas heard his twin ask Riku, who just grinned and shrugged.

"I'll need two songs to light all this stuff," Axel explained, glancing at the setting sun once again. "You know what I mean, right?"

Demyx nodded again, smiling at Zexion before letting go of his hand. He ran over to the stereo alone, surprising the others a bit. He started to skim through the huge CD collection, still beaming and grinning broadly. Axel, Riku and Zexion watched him fondly while everybody else started whispering and guessing what was going on.

"What are you _doing_?" Roxas finally asked out loud, frowning a little. Axel turned to look at him, whereas Riku and Zexion just smirked. Obviously both of them knew what Axel was planning.

"Well," Axel said, now starting to twirl the torches in his hands slowly. Everybody's eyes instantly followed the motion, mouths falling open in astonishment when he increased the speed of his twirling.

Those were already _burning_, for God's sake!

"Just running around and lighting everything would be pretty boring, don't you think?" Axel smirked and threw one of the torches high into the air, causing his audience to gasp loudly and one certain silver haired teen to mutter "_Show-off_" under his breath. Flames painted perfect circles into the air before Axel caught the burning rod again, starting to twirl it again almost instantly. "And since I'm in an _awfully_ good mood today, thanks to our _darling_ twins here..." He flashed them a quick smile. "... I thought I could... make this whole lighting thing more _interesting_."

"By inflicting third-degree burns on yourself?" Tidus asked sceptically, eying the fast moving burning rods in Axel's hands warily. Axel chuckled, just shaking his head.

Roxas could only watch how fast Axel's long fingers moved while twirling the torches, how graceful his slender hands were moving. It was fascinating. The sun had almost set, casting long shadows onto the beach, and the moving flames casted a soft glow around the redhead, shadows moving so fast over his body it seemed they were alive.

Axel stopped when Demyx came back, frowning slightly and shaking his head. Demyx sighed inaudibly, running one hand through his hair and chewing on his lip thoughtfully.

"Can't be. Nothing?" Axel asked, eying the pile of CDs surprised. Demyx nodded, then shook his head and made a vague gesture with one hand.

"Nothing quite right for your little show," Zexion translated. Demyx nodded and shrugged, then narrowed his eyes at Zexion, who arched one brow questioningly when Demyx' face suddenly lit up with a smile again, the mute boy pointing at Zexion and then at his ears and cocking his head to the side. "My mp3-player? Sure I have it with me... why?"

It was almost _scary_ how well Zexion was able to read Demyx' mute gestures sometimes.

Demyx held out one hand to Zexion, who just shrugged and pulled a small music player out of a pocket in his hoodie, giving it to Demyx who turned it on and seemed to search for something, staring at the small display concentrated. He obviously found it after a while, showing the small device to Axel who broke out into a wide grin.

"I can work with that," the redhead said amused. "Although I don't understand a word of Zexy's emo music..."

"You know you love 'my emo music' Axel, so shut up," Zexion replied smirking.

"True. But I still can't understand what this guy is... eh... 'singing'," Axel returned shrugging and starting to twirl the torches in circles again.

Demyx just rolled his eyes, surprising Zexion, who just wanted to retort something else, by grabbing his hand and dragging him over to the sound system, nearly causing the blue haired boy to trip and fall down. Demyx played around with the sound system a bit, connecting the mp3-player with it and pressing a few buttons. Then he waved at Axel grinning, sitting down on the platform cross-legged, Zexion sitting next to him hesitatingly. But he took Demyx' hand again gently, the blond boy smiling at him, blushing lightly when Zexion leaned closer and whispered something into his ear.

Axel nodded smirking, stopped to twirl the torches and stretched his arms to the side, holding the torches like this until some strange song started playing, a guy singing in a language Roxas didn't understand...

But he forgot about Zexion's strange taste in music when he saw what Axel was doing.

He _danced_.

The redhead started dancing to the music, a dark, aggressive tune, hard guitar riffs and soft piano and violin and flute sounds harmonizing in a strange way that made Roxas shiver. And Axel danced to this tune, his movements equally energetic, but graceful in a way that took Roxas' breath away. He whirled around, the burning torches painting fiery lines and circles around his slender body so fast Roxas almost couldn't follow them, twirling and twisting and showing this handsome, taunting, feral grin that made Roxas feel hot and tingly all over.

Axel stretched his arms to the sides again before bringing them down in a graceful arc, lighting two torches on the way and then throwing both of the burning rods into the air, catching them effortlessly and lighting two more with another graceful swipe, dancing over to the next ones, his feet never staying still in the warm sand. His slender arms moved quickly, but fluently as he let the fire dance around him, moving perfectly in sync with the music, never missing a step, a turn, a twirl or throw of burning torches in his hands. One after the other the torches were lighted, illuminating the beach, the dancer and his stunned audience with their flickering glow, the aggressive melody and shouting from the singer of this band washing over them.

Roxas couldn't tear his gaze from the dancing redhead, eying every graceful movement hungrily, greedily, drinking in the sight of pale skin painted a soft shade of orange by flickering flames, shadows dancing over a beautiful face and slender body. His heartbeat quickened with every move, every step the redhead made, until his heart hammered against his ribcage almost painfully, as if about to burst. He held his breath every time Axel stretched and twisted his slim body, his shirt riding up to expose a taut stomach, showing more of this black and red tattoo on his hip, stirring up Roxas' curiosity even more.

Soon Axel was surrounded by flames, and he stopped dancing for a few seconds when the first song ended. He was already breathing heavily, but still smirking, eyes wide and bright. His skin was covered in a slight sheen of sweat due to the heat the fire surrounding him was emitting, single beads trailing down his face and throat when he looked down and closed his eyes for a second. A few strands of his usually spiky hair were hanging down limply, clinging to his face and neck.

Dear _Lord_!

Roxas had never thought he could be this... _turned on_ by a sight like this. He just couldn't stop staring, following the trails of sweat running over Axel's skin with his eyes, wishing he could follow the path down the redheads throat with his tongue...

A part of him scolded him for thinking about _gross_ things like that, but an even bigger part objected it was _Axel_ he was thinking about... And about _everything _the redhead did seemed to... arouse Roxas somehow. Just the way he moved, the way he talked, the way he smirked... He was _perfect_!

It was _embarrassing_! Dammit, where had his self-control gone?

Somehow he suspected it had committed suicide when he had laid his eyes on the redhead for the first time...

His eyes widened when he felt his body responding to the sight of the object of his desires covered in sweat and breathing heavily, and he hastily pulled his knees to his chest and hugged them tightly to his body, his face flushing at least seven new shades of red. Oh God, _this_ was embarrassing...

He just hoped nobody noticed... _and_ that it would go away again... _soon_!

He bit back a groan when he watched Axel straightening again, raising the burning torches over his head as soon as the second song started playing. Again he caught a glimpse of the tattoo on the redhead's stomach, recognizing – surprise, surprise – red and black flames on white skin. His hands twitched, itching to tear off this damn shirt to see how far this damn tattoo was reaching, and he quickly balled them into tight fists.

Okaaay... this was getting... _uncomfortable_.

He shifted slightly, again stifling a moan when his... problem brushed against the fabric of the pants he had changed into earlier. He and his twin were once again dressed almost the same, faded blue jeans and a simple t-shirt under a sleeveless black hoodie. The only difference was the color of their shirts, Roxas' being navy blue, Sora's dark red. And wristband and gloves of course.

Damn, why had he changed at all? Those pants seemed to be way too tight now...

He frowned and continued to watch Axel dancing to the next song, obviously by the same band. He hated himself for it, but he couldn't stop watching. And he hated his body for betraying him like that, reacting to Axel's little show so _embarrassingly_... Damn his overly active hormones!

_Holy Shit!_

_Jesus_, no man should be able to sway his hips like _that_! _And_ look this _hot_ doing it!

He didn't even notice his mouth falling open, at least not until a hand clad in a fingerless glove closed it for him.

He blushed and glared at his grinning twin. Sora didn't seem fazed at all by the glare. He just hid a chuckle behind a hand, pulling the other hand away from Roxas' chin when the blond swatted at it.

"You know, he will notice you staring at him one day," Sora whispered, leaning closer to him to be heard over the music still blaring from the speakers. "You're being pretty obvious. I'm surprised he _hasn't_ noticed _yet_."

"Shut up!" Roxas hissed back, his eyes once again drawn to the dancer now illuminated by the small fireplaces too.

Sora snorted amusedly, but he didn't say anything else. Roxas was grateful for that. And for the fact this small interruption helped him to calm down a bit... He still felt hot and aroused, but at least he was able to fight down this embarrassing erection...

He bit his lip when Axel threw both of the torches into the air again, catching them easily and now starting to dance around the huge pile of wood, throwing his head back and laughing lightly, causing Roxas to shiver despite the warmth surrounding him.

Axel started to set the bonfire on fire exactly when the sun disappeared behind the horizon, never ceasing the fluent, swaying movements of his slender body, never missing a step.

He was like the fire surrounding him, like the flames he held in his hands, flickering, unsettled, always in motion, never standing still. He was like fire, burning hot and bright, wild, untamed, dangerous. He was a flurry of dancing flames himself, fire-red hair flying around his head, eyes burning with so much emotion, _passion... _it was like watching the personification of the element itself.

Soon red and orange flames were licking at the dry wood, setting the pile aflame, Axel still dancing around it, a tall, dark, slender silhouette against the fire. Again he laughed, throwing the torches one last time, this time performing a graceful, one-handed flip-flop before catching them again, leaving his audience stunned once again. When the song ended he stopped dancing abruptly, stretching his arms to the side and standing still, the fire in front of him bathing him in it's light. His laughter sounded so happy, so carefree...

Later Roxas would think this was the very moment he finally fell in love with the beautiful redhead.

But he wasn't ready yet to admit it to himself. He dismissed the strange feeling developing in his chest as another effect of the crush he had on Axel, and he still told himself it was only that: A _crush_. Nothing more. He was just confused, and doubtlessly he was attracted physically to the red haired boy with the beautiful emerald eyes, but it couldn't be more. He wasn't _able_ to feel more than that. _What_ he felt was strange enough. The desire and attraction he could understand. Axel _was _attractive, and Roxas was a sixteen-year-old boy after all. What confused him was the shyness, the nervousness he was feeling every time Axel talked to him, the strange urge to comfort him when he was sad, to protect him from harm. The strange desire to be near the redhead although it confused him even more.

Axel flopped down into the sand, tucking the torches safely into the sand next to him before collapsing for good, still laughing and smiling happily, watching the fire with huge, child-like eyes.

For a while nobody dared to utter a sound, still watching Axel dumbfounded, and the merry crackling of the flames all over the beach and the gentle rolling of the waves were the only sounds next to Axel's now quieter giggling. Demyx turned the sound system off with a smile on his pretty face, and Zexion and Riku smiled too, none of them saying anything. Obviously they had seen Axel do this before.

The first one to find their voice again was Selphie, followed by Tidus, Hayner and Sora.

"HOLY PAPOU!"

"HOLY BLITZBALL!!"

"HOLY _SHIT_!!!"

"_HOLY FLYING SPAGHETTI MONSTER_!!!!"

Everyone stared at Sora for this last comment, then burst out laughing. Sora grinned himself, jumping up and waving his arms wildly in the air.

"That was so _awesome_!" he yelled, jumping up and down like a rubber ball on Speed, then grabbing Roxas' hand. Roxas was pulled to his feet unexpectedly, stumbling into his brother's arms and being released again just as fast. "Wasn't that awesome? Wasn't that the most amazing thing you've ever seen, Roxy? Dude, woah!" Sora slapped his back so hard Roxas had to make a small step forward to avoid falling down. "That was like... Dude! We should let him light the fire every year! Not even the artists in the parade at Second Midsummer dance like that!"

Axel sat up again, smirking at Sora's babbling, brushing sand from his skin and grimacing slightly, twisting his wrists around a bit. Soon he was surrounded by almost all of the party guests, excluding Riku, Zexion, Demyx and Roxas. Everyone else was talking to Axel about his show, admiring how he had handled the whole lighting thing, Selphie asking him if he could show her how he did that throwing and catching without getting hurt, Kairi wanting to know how he did that flip-flop one-handed (His answer to that was "Well, first the flip and then the flop."), Hayner and Pence checking for burning marks on his clothes but finding none.

Roxas wasn't able to move, watching Axel fending off their questions smiling and laughing.

"... beautiful," he whispered unintentionally.

"The fire dance or Axel?" Someone next to him asked. Roxas jumped, nervously glancing at Riku who had spoken up so sudden. Zexion and Demyx were now standing next to Riku. Roxas hadn't even noticed them walking over to them again...

"What?" he blurted out, hoping Riku hadn't really heard what he had said.

"I asked you which one you thought was beautiful," Riku explained smirking. Zexion was grinning teasingly at him too, only Demyx looked at him thoughtfully, frowning slightly. "His fire dance or Axel himself?"

"I... I don't..." Roxas stopped himself, sighing defeated. They wouldn't believe him if he lied anyway. "Both," he mumbled under his breath, looking down at his feet.

Riku and Zexion grinned broader, but their faces fell when Demyx stepped forward, laying one hand on Roxas' shoulder.

Roxas looked up taken aback, staring into Demyx' blue-green orbs.

"Don't... Don't hurt him," Demyx begged quietly, forcing the words out, the hand on Roxas' shoulder trembling slightly. "Please... He... He's been through so much..." He pulled away again, ignoring Riku's and Zexion's surprised looks but looking at a point behind Roxas, biting his lip.

Roxas jumped violently when suddenly a long arm circled his waist from behind, his body being pressed flush against another.

"Whatcha guys talking about, huh?" Axel asked, his voice coming from right next to Roxas' ear, his breath brushing over suddenly flushed skin. Roxas caught his musky scent, smelled sweat and smoke and that distinctive scent that was just _Axel_ underneath. Axel let go of him again immediately, ruffling his hair before brushing past him to hug Demyx too, leaving a stunned blond behind. Roxas stared at the redhead, trying to calm his racing heart down.

Why did he _do_ that? Didn't he see it confused Roxas? Was that only a friendly hug, like with Demyx and the others, or... or... something else? Axel didn't hug people besides his friends. So... did that make Roxas just another friend or... maybe more than a friend?

No, that was ridiculous. It was just Axel's teasing nature. True, he didn't hug any of Roxas' other friends, not even Sora or Naminé, so that made Roxas somewhat special, but still... It was so... so... frustrating! Dammit!

Axel smirked and laid his arms around Riku's and Zexion's shoulders, ignoring them frowning at him.

"Never mind!" the redhead laughed, pulling both boys with him, ignoring their surprised struggling. "Sora just challenged me to a S'mores-fight! He claims his S'mores are better than mine! Can you _believe_ that? I have to teach this greenhorn a _lesson_! _C'mon_, Demy! _Sunshine_! Come _on_!"

Roxas scowled at this stupid nickname, but he followed the redhead anyway, Demyx walking beside him, still looking slightly worried.

* * *

What followed was a midsummer festival party none of them would forget soon. It was filled with more S'mores fourteen teenagers could probably eat without throwing the sticky sweet snacks up again...

"_No way your S'mores are more perfect than mine! I perfected them years and years ago!" - "Ah, young grasshopper, but still a lot you have to learn! To memory it commit!" - "The hell? That's my line! And don't you call me young grasshopper, Shortstuff!"_

... followed by the silliest fight over whose S'mores were better until Namine declared both of them had perfected the art of making S'mores, whereupon Sora and Axel made peace with a silly ritual that involved lots of fighting in the water and trying to pull the other one underwater, leaving both of the S'mores-Masters with dripping wet clothes and hair afterwards.

The party also contained lots of Zexion's 'emo music', and the blue-haired boy made fun out of translating the lyrics for the other guests...

"_Oh, that one's one of my favorites... it's about this guy who's really an animal in man-shape and follows a woman, telling her she smells good..." - "Nice." - "Yeah, well, he's really more of a stalker... And now he caught her, and her sweat and blood are dripping to the ground..." - "What?" - "And now it's night and he tells her to stop struggling because the bridge they're on is on fire and falling apart..." - "That's gross!" - "That's _art_!"_

... which were pretty disturbing sometimes. Zexion just shrugged and told them he couldn't take the lyrics seriously because of the strange accent of the singer, and that he had to laugh when he had heard them for the first time. He said he listened to the _music_ anyway, and just concentrated on the lyrics when he needed a good laugh, because some of them simply made no sense at all.

And then there was the discussion about the name of the festival they were celebrating...

"_Why 'Midsummer'? It's March!" - "Well, that's because... uhm..." - "Don't tell me you don't know, Sora!" - "Of course I know, Riku! It's just... uhm... hard to explain..." - "No, it's not, Sora you dork. You see, Riku, this is the First Midsummer festival, but there are two more, one in June and the last in September, because it's really summer almost all year on the Islands, and the people thought it would be more fun if they split the festival into three parts..." - "That's strange." - "That's just an excuse to drink too much three times a year instead of once." - "If you put it that way, Kairi..."_

... which seemed to amuse the four boys endlessly. And it started a fight between Kairi, who thought the two added festivals should have been given different names so nobody would think about it like Riku, and Selphie who believed it was fun to celebrate Midsummer in March. This fight, too, had to be ended by Namine.

All in all, it was really fun.

But not for Roxas.

He was still brooding about Axel hugging him _twice _that day. What did it mean? He was so confused... Maybe it meant Axel liked him, maybe it meant... nothing. Shit.

_And_ he had to stare at the redhead again after the waterfight with Sora, wet clothes clinging to every curve of his slender body even more than before, wet hair falling into his beautiful face until he pulled it back into a messy ponytail, using one of Olette's hair ties (which was pink and clashed horribly with his hair), shorter spikes framing his face nicely, emerald eyes twinkling mischievously. And of course he had to fight down the reaction of his body to this vision of a unbelievably sexy, dripping wet redhead... _again_.

Dammit, he needed to get laid! Preferably by said redhead...

Eh... what? Where did that come from?

... And his thoughts revolved around Axel like this the whole fucking evening. It didn't help that Axel noticed him brooding after a while and decided he had to cheer his little 'Sunshine' up, refusing to leave Roxas' side again.

Roxas was not happy.

And overjoyed at the same time, because Axel really didn't leave again. Sora, Riku, Demyx and Zexion joined them after a while, and for a few hours Roxas didn't feel as awkward as before, even joining them talking and laughing and even singing songs, Demyx playing guitar for them. Demyx didn't sing himself, but they discovered Zexion had a wonderful singing voice, Axel and Riku persuading him of singing a few songs alone. Zexion gave in after a while, singing two songs, everybody listening to him and Demyx, watching how Zexion's expression softened when he sang, noticing how he seemed to sing for Demyx alone, looking at the mulleted boy all the time. When he ended the second song everybody applauded, still overwhelmed by the beauty of their music. After this Zexion refused to sing, blushing and frowning and hiding his face behind his dark hair even more than usual. Now all of them sang again, the other party guests joining them soon.

Roxas actually started to have fun... until Axel's hand brushed his some time later.

It was completely unintentional, Roxas knew that. But he couldn't help blushing for what had to be the millionth time that day, and he wanted to cry out of confusion and frustration, tears already gathering in his big eyes. Nobody seemed to notice, as most of the others had already retreated to their sleeping tents. Only Axel, Sora, Riku, Demyx, Zexion, Kairi and Namine were left, but the girls and Demyx and Zexion were just about to leave too. It was already very late, the smaller fires and the many torches having burnt down not too long ago, the big bonfire now being the only source of warmth and light.

Roxas didn't even notice the others leaving as he was too occupied with holding back the tears. He barely heard Sora chatter about how he wanted to show Riku some favorite place of his, a bent papou tree down the beach from where one had a beautiful look over the ocean and a small island they used to play on when they were younger, and he only looked up when the two of them stood up to leave.

Which left him and Axel alone, next to the fire.

His life sucked.

He watched his brother and Riku disappear down the beach, heard them laughing and talking and felt angry, angry at Sora for leaving him alone, for not noticing something was wrong with him. And then he felt guilty, because Sora looked so happy, and because he was jealous. Jealous because Riku now got most of Sora's attention, and jealous because he could never be happy like that. Because Axel probably never would like him the way Riku liked Sora.

He felt bad for not being able to be happy for Sora. Sora would have been happy for him if their roles were reversed. And more and more tears filled his eyes, blurring his vision.

He didn't want to cry, he didn't want to cry, he _didn't_...

"Sunshine?" Suddenly Axel was there, looking at him with worry filling his beautiful eyes, features softening when he spotted tear-filled cerulean orbs. "What's wrong?" Roxas felt an arm sneaking around his shoulders... and he broke.

He hid his face in his arms, not wanting Axel to see him cry, hating himself for being so weak. But a gentle hand pried his arms away, long fingers brushing softly through his golden locks and applying just enough pressure to move his head so it rested on a thin, yet firm chest, the arm around his shoulders squeezing gently, the hand in his hair stroking his head softly, then moving to his back.

Roxas sobbed once, burying his face in Axel's shoulder and closing his eyes tightly, not even able to relish the feeling of being held by Axel because he hated himself so much this very moment. He couldn't even raise his arms to return the embrace. His whole strength was focused on suppressing the sobs that threatened to choke him. Somehow he managed that, just a small gasp escaping him now and then, but tears still poured from his closed eyes.

"What's wrong?" Axel asked again, and even the last trace of his usual cockiness had vanished from his voice. "Shh... it's alright, it's alright, don't cry..." The hand on Roxas' back moved again to his head, combing through soft, blond hair again, not tousling it as usual. It was a soothing, tender motion, but it made Roxas cry even harder. He didn't know why. It just did.

"Shh..." Axel rested his cheek on Roxas' head and hugged him even tighter. Roxas wanted this to _mean_ something so desperately... but he knew it probably didn't. He had seen Axel hugging Demyx like this when the other blond had been frightened and upset on one of their first days in school. It was just... just... _platonic._

He heard Axel making soothing noises, he tasted salty tears on his lips, he smelled salt and still a trace of smoke and cinnamon and caramel, and he could feel his heart break. Because this didn't mean anything to Axel, even though it meant _everything_ to Roxas himself... Axel just wanted to calm him down, to help a _friend_, but _he_ was the reason Roxas was upset in the first place, and his words couldn't soothe the pain his presence alone caused in Roxas' heart.

"Roxas... don't cry, please." The blond looked up, hearing his name coming from lips he desired to kiss so badly, his name spoken so softly, in a way he had always wanted to hear it. His tear-filled eyes locked with emerald ones.

He knew he had to look like shit, but Axel smiled at him, smoothing his golden hair out of Roxas' face gently. The tender smile made him feel warm and cold at the same time, made him happy and sad. It was a smile he had always wanted to be directed at him, but it meant nothing.

At least it didn't mean what Roxas wanted it to.

"Why?" It took him a moment to discover it had been his own, hoarse voice rasping out that one word.

"Why what?" Axel asked, blinking at him confused without letting go of him completely. He laid his hand on Roxas' shoulder, his other arm still around Roxas' waist.

_Why don't you want me?_

_Why did you push me away?_

_Why can't I have you?_

_Why do you have to be so irresistible?_

_Why don't you see I like you?_

_Why do you tease me so?_

_Why are you so cruel?_

_Why can't you love me back?_

Roxas froze when the last thought crossed his mind, staring at Axel wide-eyed.

He couldn't... he didn't...

"Roxas? Hey!" Axel frowned, leaning a bit closer to him. Roxas flinched when he felt warm breath on his face, but this time he didn't even blush. Strange...

"Why do you play with me like that?" he whispered, never taking his eyes off the other boy's emerald orbs.

"What do you..." Axel trailed off, finally seeing what Roxas wanted to say. "Oh..." He looked to the side, slowly letting go of Roxas, letting his arms drop to the sides, then crossing them in front of his chest, leaning back as much as possible. "Sorry. I didn't mean to."

"Then why... why did you do it?" Roxas hissed, all his anger and hatred suddenly focusing on the boy in front of him, the boy because of whom he couldn't think straight anymore, who invaded his _dreams_... "You know what happened! I tried to _kiss_ you!"

Axel jerked back violently, closing his eyes and pressing his lips together. But he didn't say anything.

"You didn't want me. I... I tried to accept that, I really did!" Roxas continued harshly, trying to keep his voice down so nobody else could hear them. But he was so _confused_! "But... But first you push me away, and then you act as if you... as if... _God_, I have no friggin' clue! Do you _flirt_ with me? Because it fucking looks like it sometimes!"

Axel flinched again, rubbing his upper arms as if he was cold. He shook his head shakily, eyes still closed.

"No..." he whispered, his fingers twitching slightly. "No, I didn't... I didn't want to flirt with you, I just... I... just... wanted... I..." He stopped with a noise sounding oddly like a sob, biting his lip and bending his head down, luscious red hair falling into his face.

"Why can't I tell you you're beautiful?" Roxas asked, his voice getting soft again, reaching out to the distressed redhead, but Axel flinched away from his touch again. "Why can't I touch you like this, Axel? Why are you so _scared_ of me?"

"Stop... please..." Axel whimpered, looking up to Roxas again, his eyes widened frightened and pupils dilated, like that time Roxas had tried to kiss him... He was white like a ghost, now starting to tremble, but Roxas couldn't stop, as much as he wanted to. He didn't want to see Axel like this, he didn't want to hurt him, but he _had_ to know...

"But you _are_ beautiful..." Roxas reached out again, grabbing the redhead's shoulder, feeling him tremble more and more beneath his hand. Axel groaned quietly, shaking his head again, trying to break free weakly.

"I'm... I'm not... please, stop..." he all but sobbed, unshed tears now letting his beautiful eyes appear glossy. "I'm not, I'm not, I'm not..."

"You _are_," Roxas insisted, leaning forward even more, touching Axel's face with his free hand, trying to ignore how the redhead winced when he touched him. He traced the tattoo under Axel's eye with his thumb, looking into emerald eyes again. He was shocked about himself, but he couldn't stop now... he needed to know...

And he told himself the whole time Axel could just pull away if he really didn't want Roxas to touch him...

But Axel didn't pull away. He just stared at him wide-eyed, still shivering and shaking his head weakly, chanting 'I'm not, I'm not...' It was strange, but Roxas still didn't want to stop. He leaned forward, bringing his face closer to Axel's, noticing how those beautiful lips stopped moving, just quivering slightly. The way they were parted slightly was so _inviting_...

"You are beautiful," he repeated, leaning closer still, eyes drawn to those lips again, and again he found himself thinking about kissing them... "I... I _wanted_ you since I first saw you, and the way you act around me..." He swallowed, trying to avert his gaze but not being able to do so. "It's like... like you... want it too, sometimes... It feels like... like you... want..."

He forgot what he wanted to say, forgot how to talk completely, being so near the redhead he could feel his breath on his face... It would be so easy to close the gap, to finally feel what those lips felt like, to taste what Axel tasted like...

Then every thought fled his head. He just knew he wanted to do it, to lean forward and capture Axel's lips, and he knew Axel hadn't pulled away. That was all his hormone-flooded mind needed.

He leaned forward, and this time there was no movement to stop him. His eyes closed of their own volition, and he felt how Axel's trembling stopped abruptly when their lips touched.

It was better than Roxas could have ever imagined. The redhead's lips were soft, tasting of sugar and chocolate from eating S'mores before. Roxas could feel his heart jumping, butterflies spreading out and fluttering freely in his stomach, and his hands found their way to Axel's soft hair somehow, weaving through fire red locks.

He moved until he was almost straddling Axel's lap, needing more contact, his chest pressed to the redhead's, his hands moving to brush over naked skin on Axel's arms, his lips still locked with the other boy's. He didn't try to deepen the gentle kiss, as much as he wanted to, but he knew it might scare Axel away if he did. So he just moved his lips tenderly on Axel's, kissing the other boy again and again, his hands finally resting on a pale face, the skin under his hands feeling flushed and clammy at the same time. It was a strange feeling, and he opened his eyes again to look at Axel, ending the kiss abruptly when he looked into wide emerald eyes.

Axel's eyes looked hollow. Broken. Lifeless. _Dead_. It was a horrible sight, crushing the overwhelming desire and rapture he had felt seconds ago, leaving a feeling of guilt and emptiness behind. The redhead didn't even see him, looking at a point behind him, eyes misty and glassy, like a doll's. His face was flushed a little, lips still parted slightly. He was just sitting there, his hands lying limply in the sand next to him, not moving. In fact... he wasn't moving at all.

He wasn't even _breathing_!

"A-Axel?" Roxas gasped, grasping the redhead's shoulders and bringing his face closer to Axel's again. _God_, he didn't breathe! Roxas couldn't feel anything, he couldn't see Axel's chest moving, _nothing_! When had he stopped breathing? _Why_ had he stopped breathing? Dear God, what was _wrong_?

Roxas wanted to cry out relieved when Axel finally took one deep, shuddering breath, dead green eyes looking at him, but not _seeing_ him. It was like Axel was far, far away...

"Oh God, you scared me there for a minute," Roxas said, still feeling relieved and squeezing Axel's shoulders gently, pulling his hands away, letting out a small sigh and closing his eyes. "I'm so-"

He couldn't say more. Cold, trembling hands closed around his throat, squeezing and cutting off the words effectively.

Roxas opened his eyes wide to stare at his attacker, tried to gasp for air, but he couldn't, hands around his neck closing even more the more he tried to fill his lungs with air again. He stared at Axel unbelievingly, noticing the tears in the other's green eyes, the grim line his thin lips were set into, the determination gleaming in the depths of his dull, misty orbs.

"_Not again!_" Axel whispered, pushing Roxas down into the sand, straddling his hips without letting go of his throat, bending down so his hair tickled Roxas' face, his erratic, labored breath brushing over Roxas' face. "_Never again!_"

Roxas uselessly clawed at the hands strangling him, tried to shove the redhead off of him, but his arms were already growing weaker. It was futile. He twisted and struggled to shake Axel off, but the redhead didn't budge. Roxas could see dark spots dance in front of his eyes, the face hovering over his blurring already. His lungs were screaming for air, adrenaline coursing through his body, but he wasn't strong enough to loosen the painful grip around his throat.

Tears welled up in his own eyes, pleading the red haired boy to let him go, his mouth opening and closing, no sound escaping his lips. It was useless. Axel seemed determined to suffocate him, tears still streaming down his pale face, dripping from his nose and cheeks.

"_I won't let you hurt me again!_" Axel hissed, and somehow Roxas knew the redhead wasn't talking to _him_. "_Never! Never again!_"

But there was something else, another voice, endlessly far away...

_Sora..._

Roxas wanted to call out to his twin, of course not being able to, sobbing internally and again trying to loosen the grip around his neck, his vision already getting darker...

"_OH GOD!_" he heard his twin scream hysterically. "ROXAS! LET HIM GO!!"

"Axel!" another voice was heard, sounding equally worried. "No! AXEL, STOP IT!!"

And then somebody tackled the redhead, causing him to let go of Roxas, two bodies falling into the sand next to him.

The night air had never tasted so sweet...

Roxas gulped down air greedily, coughing and wheezing, his throat hurting like hell, lungs burning. He felt someone embracing him, helping him sit up and patting his back.

But his eyes were glued to the scene before him.

Riku had pinned Axel down, holding the squirming and screaming redhead's arms down and sitting on his legs to prevent him from kicking him. Axel tried to break free nonetheless, screaming all the while.

"NO!! LET ME GO!!! DON'T TOUCH ME, _DON'T TOUCH ME_!!!" the redhead wailed, now sounding _terrified_, again trying to shake Riku off. The silver haired teen had a hard time keeping him down.

"Axel, it's me! Calm down!" Riku yelled, almost losing his grip on Axel's left arm, cursing through gritted teeth.

"Don't, don't... no, please!" Axel cried, his struggling growing even more fierce, desperate. "Please, please... don't..." Then he screamed again, a despaired, painful, drawn-out sound that sent shivers down Roxas' spine. Roxas heard rustling behind him, confused voices asking questions he didn't understand...

"NO! LEAVE ME ALONE, PLEASE... please..." Axel sobbed, his resistance weakening as his whole body was shaken by heavy sobs. "Please... _no_..."

"Dammit!" Riku looked around frantically, searching for someone. "Demyx! _Dem_! Hurry, he's having a flashback!" He broke off when Axel suddenly tried to fight him again, concentrating on holding the redhead down.

"No! Don't touch Demyx! Don't! Don't hurt him!" Axel yelled, his voice growing hoarse from screaming so loud. "Take me instead! _Leave Demyx alone, you bastard_!"

Someone rushed past them, dropping to his knees next to Axel. Demyx looked down at the fuming redhead, paling visibly but reaching out to Axel without reluctance.

"Axel! Axel, it's okay!" the mulleted boy cried, ending the redhead's desperate screams abruptly. Axel stopped, breathing heavily, looking up at Demyx wide-eyed, still shaking in Riku's grip. Riku let go of him, crawling back slowly. Demyx leaned over Axel, smiling down at the redhead shakily.

"It's okay," he repeated, stroking Axel's hair gently. "It's okay, nobody will hurt you. Shh..."

"He... he... he wanted..." Axel sobbed, but Demyx shook his head, silencing him with another soft smile.

"Nobody here wants to hurt you, Axel," he said softly, not even flinching when Axel sat up quickly, pulling the smaller boy into a tight embrace.

"What the fuck happened?" Zexion was suddenly standing next to Riku, the silver haired boy standing up slowly, brushing sand from his clothes.

"No idea," he answered quietly. "He... he tried to strangle Roxas when Sora and me came back..."

Axel let out a small whimper when he looked up at the boy speaking, trying to hide behind Demyx. It struck Roxas as odd. Riku was Axel's friend after all...

"Relax, it's just Riku," Zexion said slowly, moving to stand in front of Riku, smiling at Axel sadly. "You know Riku. He wouldn't hurt you."

"Ri...ku..." Axel repeated hoarsely, confusion evident in his voice. At least his eyes didn't look as dull and lifeless as before anymore.

"Axel... why did you try to hurt Roxas?" Demyx asked softly, gently patting the older boy's back. Axel stared at him confused, cheeks still wet from tears, but his eyes were dry now. "Roxas," Demyx repeated. "You know. _Sunshine_. You think he's cute. Blond, the prettiest blue eyes you've ever seen... that's what you said. Why did you hurt him?"

Roxas was surprised he didn't feel anything when Demyx said this. He thought he should have felt at least _something_ learning Axel thought he was cute, but there was _nothing_. He didn't feel at all. Just the pain in his throat, and the feeling of his brother's arms around him. Nothing else. He felt a bit cold. That was all.

"Roxas... I didn't..." Axel whispered confused, his breathing now growing slightly labored again. "I didn't... I..."

"You tried to kill him!" Sora suddenly roared, and when Roxas looked up at his twin he saw tears on his brother's cheeks too. "You fucking tried to strangle my little brother! WHAT THE FUCK WERE YOU THINKING?"

When Roxas looked at Axel again the redhead stared at him, eyes wide and paler than ever, opening his mouth and closing it again, raising a shaking hand to muffle a choked sob. He still felt nothing when he saw Axel like this. A bit cold. Nothing more.

"I... I didn't... want to..." Axel mumbled, reaching out to Roxas with one trembling hand. "Roxas, I... I'm so sorry... I didn't..."

"Don't touch me," Roxas said emotionless, not even blinking. "Stay away from me." He shoved his brother away, standing on wobbly legs, breathing heavily, but surprisingly calm. "Sora, please tell them to go away. I'm going to bed. I'm tired."

Sora just nodded, standing up too. Roxas ignored Kairi and Namine who wanted to ask him if he was okay, brushing past them, stumbling into the flower garden. Far away Sora's angry voice reached his ears, as well as other voices now asking questions about what happened.

He paused at the back door, fumbling with the knob for a moment before opening it, stalking upstairs on still unsteady feet, almost tripping a few times. He finally reached his room, closing the door behind him and doing something he had never done before. He locked the door. Dragging himself to his bed he fell on it, not even bothering to shed his clothes. He curled up on his fresh sheets, facing the window, eyes wide open. He didn't want to close them. His throat hurt, his eyes burned, and he didn't want to close them, fearing... fearing...

He didn't want to close them. He didn't want to, he didn't want to...

He closed his eyes when a silver line on the horizon heralded the dawn of a new day, falling into a deep sleep.

* * *

**Short... ehm... Author's Notes:** Ehm... _Eeeeep! _/runs away and hides behind... something/

Hehe. Not quite what you expected when I said I would write an AkuRoku-chapter, huh? Bwah! Don't kill me!

Yeah, well... I know it gets kinda _frustrating_, but I really had no idea this whole story would get so long... It gets longer with every chapter I write it seems. This was a scene I wanted to write all along, but it turned out even longer than I expected. This has to be the friggin' longest chapter I posted yet. And it is for all of you guys who thought Axel was the one with the least problems. And for you guys who thought the plot couldn't thicken any more. xP

Phew... well... again I want to huggle all of my reviewers! I really didn't think this chapter would be done so fast, but your reviews inspired me! Really! I read them over and over again, and writing got... easier. (And another set of fanart sent to me by **Kuraieshi** and **kotilo** was really inspiring. And message sessions with **Riku-stalker **and **Metallica-Grace**. Holy fuck, I inspired you to write Zemyx? Still can't believe that one...)

Thanks to all reviewers! Here are the new ones: **Darkest Soul of Sadness, SXR4EVA, shadowwolf0379, Willmaster, Elliott's girl, fullofmisery, Faye Silo, CyRy, iamsosmrt.** Feel huggled! All of my regular reviewers too of course! (Hehe... it's a good feeling to be able to talk about 'regular reviewers'... xD) Eh... if you still want to huggle me... -.-; And if I forgot to mention you... you know what to do. Slam me into the next wall and send me a message so I won't forget you again. Cuz every rewiever deserves a thank you!

Anyway... tell me what you think! I'll try my best to post the next chapter next weekend, but please don't be mad if I don't manage it until then. The story gets more complicated still... gives me a pretty hard time to write. Anyway, tell me what you think! And try not to kill me, 'cuz then you won't ever learn the rest of the story... so... Till the next chapter!

Oh, yeah, in case you wondered... The language Zexy's emo songs were sung in is German. Cuz it's my native language. I actually had two songs I listened to over and over again when I wrote that scene, but I don't want to force you to hear them when you read it. Because most of you wouldn't understand the lyrics anyway, and because my taste in music is not everyone's cup of tea. So you can choose your own songs... as long as they halfway fit the description.


	13. Chapter 12

**Summary:** His life had always been perfect, or at least so Roxas had liked to think. But overcoming his own fears for someone else isn't as easy as it seems. When both his own and his lover's past threatens their unstable relationship, Roxas has to face the truth: His life was far from perfect. But at least it was better than Axel's.

**Warnings:** Yaoi. Kissing, swearing, the usual stuff.

**Pairings:** AkuRoku main, RikuxSora, ZexionxDemyx side pairings. Possible LeonxCloud later on. Much, much later though.

**Disclaimer:** Hoho, I don't have to own Kingdom Hearts! Because one day I'll discover the genes resposible for spiky hair and unnatural hair and eye colors, and then I will clone myself my very own versions of all of my favorite characters. MUAHAHAHAHA! Not. XP

* * *

**Perfect Match - Chapter 12**

Roxas didn't sleep long. When he awoke and glanced at his alarm clock it read half past eight. He couldn't have slept more than three or four hours.

He didn't want to get up. He just lay there, staring out of his window, watching tiny white clouds wandering over a otherwise perfect blue sky.

His throat still hurt. But he didn't want to think about that. He didn't want to think at all.

But he guessed he had to get up some time. Why not now? He had to shower anyway, and his clothes and hair were full of sand...

So he got up, grabbing random pants and a t-shirt from his dresser and dragging himself to the door and unlocking it, opening it silently.

He wasn't really surprised to find Sora sitting next to his door, staring at the opposite wall, hugging his knees to his chest, his chin resting on them. Sora looked up when he heard the door open. His cerulean eyes were bloodshot, and he was paler than normal, but a small smile lit up his face when he saw Roxas, scrambling to his feet instantly.

"You're awake," the caring twin stated relieved, his smile wavering a bit when his gaze wandered over Roxas' throat briefly. "Are... are you okay? You... you locked the door, I... was worried..."

"Sorry," Roxas replied softly, smiling at his brother. Talking hurt too, but he didn't want Sora to know that. "I'm fine. Don't worry about me."

"But..." Sora's gaze flickered to Roxas' throat again. "Doesn't it hurt? Oh, I'm so sorry, it was my idea to..."

"It's fine, really," Roxas interrupted him. "It's not your fault anyway." Sora wanted to reply something, but Roxas sighed and shook his head. "Can we talk later? I just want a quick shower and a coffee or two for now..."

"O-Of course!" Sora gasped, forcing a smile on his face again. "I... I'll make breakfast for you, okay? Take your time..."

"Sora..." Roxas stretched out one hand and touched his brother's cheek gently. "Why don't you sleep a bit? You look tired."

"Me? I'm not tired," Sora protested, grinning a strange, forced, sad grin that didn't suit him at all. "I'm _dandy_! I'll make breakfast... yeah... just come downstairs when you're finished, okay?"

Roxas didn't reply to that, just watched broken-hearted as his brother ran away, catching a sad look crossing Sora's face before he turned away.

He didn't want his twin to be sad. It wasn't Sora's fault all this shit happened.

_No, it was mine..._

_No, it was Axel's..._

_I kissed him... I knew he didn't want it..._

_That's no reason to strangle me!_

_He could have pushed me away if he had wanted to... he's stronger than me. But he didn't!_

_What does this mean?_

_I don't care. I don't care anymore. I don't want to see him anymore..._

That was a lie, and he knew it. But he didn't want to think about it anyway... not now...

He walked into the bathroom right across the hallway, locking the door behind him, shedding his clothes and throwing them into a corner.

He didn't want to look at himself. He didn't want to see the marks that had to be left on his neck. So he jumped into the shower without glancing at the mirror, turning the water scolding hot, his skin turning red from the heat. He took his sweet time, ignoring when Sora knocked on the door hesitantly, asking if he was alright. He felt bad for worrying his twin, sure, but right now he couldn't bring himself to think about _anything_. He didn't want to look into Sora's eyes and see the worry and sadness in them. It would just remind him of...

He rinsed the last bit of shampoo out of his hair, turning off the water and stepping out, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around his slim waist. He took one deep breath, stepping in front of the mirror. It was misted over from the steam rising from the hot water, and he reached out with one shaking hand, wiping over the flat, smooth surface once.

His reflection stared back at him, heavy bags under bloodshot eyes, skin unhealthy pale. But his eyes were drawn lower, to dark, reddish marks already turning blue on his throat, shaped like slender fingers.

He stared at the bruises for a long time. Already cooled down water drops dripped from his wet hair, running over his skin and giving him goosebumps, but he didn't really feel it. He didn't feel anything. Not even anger or fear when he looked at the dark marks marring his perfect, lightly tanned skin.

After a while he sighed, ignoring the scratchy feeling in his throat when he did, grabbing another towel to dry his hair, brushing his teeth and changing into the clothes he had picked, gray sweatpants and a blue, well-fitting t-shirt with black and white checkers running over shoulders and neck line. He would have to remember to wear a turtle-neck for school tomorrow...

He still felt slightly dazed when he opened the door again, his twin nowhere in sight. He went downstairs, following the delicious scent of freshly brewed coffee to the kitchen where Sora was sitting at the table, playing with his necklace and staring at the wooden surface, a mug of steaming black coffee standing next to him. He was still wearing the same clothes he had worn at the party. And he looked tired, so unbelievably tired.

Sora looked up, noticing his brother standing at the door. He forced another seemingly cheerful grin on his face, but Roxas could see right through it. Sora was worried. Worried about him. Worried and confused and sad and tired.

"Hey," Sora said, standing up and preparing another mug of coffee, handing it over to Roxas who smiled and sat down, nipping at the hot liquid. A few seconds later a plate filled with freshly baked waffles was shoved under his nose. "Here. Uhm... chocolate sauce? Cream? Honey? Maple syrup?"

"Yes, please," Roxas answered, smiling when Sora chuckled and went searching for said items.

He couldn't suppress a slight cough when he took the first bite out of a crispy waffle, the food irritating his still sore throat. In an instant Sora was next to him, worry written all over his face.

"Are you alright? Does it hurt?" Sora asked, glancing down at the plate and the mug of coffee. He gasped, trying to pull the dish away. "Oh no, it hurts, doesn't it? Oh, those are way too hard, you can't swallow them properly, can you? I should have made something softer... Oh, and coffee has to be bad for your injury too... do... do you want something else? I'll make you everything!" His voice grew higher with every sentence, almost hysteric. "What do you want? Pancakes? I can make some, and hot chocolate and... and I'll get you marshmallows for your hot chocolate... Or... or do you want something cold? Oh no, I'm doing it all wrong, I didn't think about it, I'm the _worst_ big brother _ever_..."

Roxas grabbed Sora's arm before he could take the plate away, gently taking the plate and setting it down again. "I'm fine, Sora," he said calmly, smiling at his brother. He could see tears in his twin's eyes. "Really, it doesn't hurt that much anymore." It hurt like _hell_, but Sora didn't need to know that. "And I love waffles, you know that. It's fine, really."

"I should have never left you alone!" Sora suddenly sobbed, falling to his knees and hiding his face in his hands. "I should have stayed with you, I should... Oh God, he could've _killed_ you!"

_Yes, he could have. But that was my fault._

_No, it wasn't. I didn't do anything wrong... It was just a kiss..._

"Sora, it's not your fault," Roxas said, trying not to think about it anymore. He slid out of his seat, kneeling next to his brother and reaching out to pet Sora's spiky hair softly. Sora peered at him through his fingers, still hiccuping and looking miserable. "You didn't do anything wrong. Nobody could have foreseen... this." He suppressed the urge to touch the marks on his throat, fearing it would hurt and remind him... "You didn't do anything wrong," he repeated quieter, looking down at his hands, balling them into fists.

_No, **I** did._

_No, I **didn't**._

"I just... I just don't get it!" Sora shouted, throwing his hands in the air. "It went so well, and me and Riku were just away for a few minutes... Why did he _do_ it?"

Roxas frowned, feeling a cold shiver running down his spine. "Can we drop it already?" he growled, feeling a little bit guilty when he saw Sora wincing at his harsh tone. But he really didn't want to talk about it. Talking about it made him remember...

_... the soft texture of a certain redhead's slightly quivering lips under his own..._

_... the feeling of utter happiness and sadness at the same time, finally being able to kiss the beautiful boy but the kiss not being returned..._

_... the sweet scent of cinnamon and caramel filling his senses..._

_... the sugary taste of unresponsive lips..._

_... the surreal softness of lusciously red hair as his hands were running through spiky, still slightly damp strands..._

_... the overwhelming urge to be near the boy, to be as close as possible and closer, to feel him, touch him, kiss him, **love** him... to take away his fear, to hold him close and never let go, to protect him..._

_... the clammy, cool yet warm feeling of the redhead's smooth skin under his hands..._

_... lifeless green eyes, looking like a doll's, broken and distant..._

_... panic..._

_... relief..._

_... fear..._

_... cold hands closing around his throat..._

_... emerald eyes looking down at him full of hatred, sadness, determination, fear..._

_... soft hair tickling his face, warm breath smelling of chocolate and sugar and cigarettes brushing over his flushed skin..._

_... a beautiful voice whispering scared words not meant for him..._

_..."Not again!"..._

_... vision getting blurry, beautiful green eyes and black teardrop tattoos underneath them being the only things he could see clearly..._

He shook his head, suddenly feeling cold, climbing into his chair again and taking a sip from his coffee, trying to block out the memory of terrified screams and tears, trying to ignore the pain and the memory of cold fingers squeezing his neck. His hands started to shake, and he quickly put the mug down before he could spill the hot liquid. He felt like he was choking, gasping for air near having a panic attack...

"Sorry," Sora whispered, hugging him and kissing his forehead softly before letting go again. The feeling of being suffocated disappeared instantly, but his hands continued to shake, so he folded his arms in front of his chest, trying to hide it. He didn't want Sora to worry even more about him...

"I'm sorry," Sora repeated and sat down on the chair opposite Roxas. He looked at the table, drawing nonsense patterns on the cool surface. "But if... if you want to talk about it..."

"No," Roxas replied softly. "But... thanks."

Sora nodded, sighing and then forcing out a shaky laugh. "What a night, hm?"

"Yeah..." Roxas took another bite of his waffles, the sweet pastry drenched in chocolate sauce. He didn't look up until he heard another deep sigh coming from across him, and he watched as Sora folded his arms on the table, resting his head on them. "You tired?"

"No," Sora answered and then yawned, grinning sheepishly at his twin.

"You should sleep a bit," Roxas said smiling, grabbing his brother's hand over the table and squeezing it quickly before letting go again. "Don't worry, I'll be fine. When are the guys from that party service going to pick their stuff up?"

"Around three..." Sora yawned again, rubbing one eye cutely. "But... you can wake me up when they're here..."

"No, you sleep as long as you like. I just have to let them in anyway." Roxas stood, carrying his plate and the mug to the sink.

"But..." Sora stood too, but he still looked unsure. "If you..."

"If there is a problem or I want to talk or I need help I'll wake you up," Roxas promised without looking at Sora. "You go to sleep."

Out of the corners of his eyes he saw Sora nodding and walking away, eyes glued to the floor, his movements lacking the cheerfulness and energy they usually showed. Sora acted like someone _really_ had died.

He sighed and stared at the door after Sora was gone, suddenly feeling awful for making Sora miserable. He really should try to talk to him... try to comfort him somehow. He could tell his cheerful twin was blaming himself for this incident again, but it really hadn't been his fault.

_Mine._

_**Axel's.**_

And to add to that, this shit had probably blown any chance Sora had had to get closer to Riku... just when things had started to lighten up too...

Sometimes he thought Sora would be better off without him. Sora always had to suffer under his moods, had to cheer him up when he was in one of his emo phases, had to defend him when people talked bad about him behind his back. And he never expected anything in return. Not even a 'Thank you', not even a friendly gesture or a hug. Sora knew Roxas wasn't good in expressing his feelings, and he accepted it because Roxas was his little brother.

But now... now Sora needed this friendly gesture, a few nice words, and still Roxas wasn't able to provide the comfort Sora needed so desperately.

He was a failure as a brother.

* * *

He tried to distract himself from his depressive thoughts by working. He cleaned the kitchen, then the bathroom he had used earlier, then his own room. He did laundry, cleaned up the 'home cinema' in the basement. Then he decided to do his homework, and when he had finished it he started to do Sora's. He found the letter Demyx had written the day before next to his notes outside in the flower garden, and he noticed more sheets of paper with Demyx' neat handwriting on them. It appeared to be one side of a fairly long conversation, but Roxas didn't want to read it. It was way too personal. He folded them carefully and put them into his book bag. He would give them to Demyx or Zexion some time.

When he had finished about every chore he could think of he finally went out to the beach, suppressing the fear that threatened to paralyze him. He walked out, feeling the sand beneath his bare feet. Usually this feeling calmed him down, but now it was rather unnerving. It reminded him of the feeling of lying in the sand while cold hands tried to choke him...

_Everything_ seemed to remind him of it.

He tried not to look at the remains of the fire, turning to the other side and starting to collect leftovers from the tables, carrying the food that was left (which wasn't that much anymore) into the house and putting it into the huge fridge, leaving the plates outside in neat stacks. He collected trash lying on and around the tables and stuffed it into garbage bags he left outside for the party service people to dispose of. Then he carried Sora's CD collection inside and placed it in a basket outside Sora's room. He didn't want to wake his brother yet. Sora had looked as if he could use a few hours of sleep.

He remembered to change into a sleeveless shirt with a turtle neck collar just before the party service people arrived. He let them in, watching as they carried all the stuff from the beach, the tables and mini fridges and cooling aggregate and plates and stereo and the platform for the stereo. A few of them even helped him striking the tents and carrying them into the house, along with the music instruments and beach games Sora had purchased for the party. He tipped them generously before leading them outside again.

When he re-entered the beach only the remains of the fireplaces and the torches were left. He didn't want to, but somehow he stepped closer to the leftovers of the big bonfire, staring down at the charred logs and piles of ash, strange feelings surfacing when he looked at them.

He felt warm when he thought about the heat of the flames, when he thought about sitting around the fireplaces, laughing and singing and chatting, when he thought about a dancing redhead holding burning torches in slender hands, carefree, happy laughter rising to the sky.

He felt cold when he thought about dull green eyes reflecting the flames, a sickly white face illuminated by the fire, tears glistening on pale cheeks.

He shuddered and turned around, letting his eyes wander over the beach. He spotted a few items lying in the sand and went to pick them up. There was a bracelet he recognized as Selphie's and which she had lost already four or five times on their beach because it was way too wide for her scrawny wrists, there was one of Namine's pencils, there was Hayner's beloved watch he had taken off when he went swimming... had to have slipped out of his pocket when they were sitting around the fireplaces. Oh, and there was one of Wakka's wristbands. And there...

He froze when he spotted another object lying in the sand. Two objects actually. One was a pink hair tie (_...clashed horribly with red hair..._) the other a silver, expensive looking lighter _(...a happy smile on a handsome face when the first torch caught fire_...).

Axel had taken off the hair tie he had borrowed from Olette when his hair had been almost dry. And he had put it into his pocket. It must've fallen out...

_... when he tried to kill me..._

... along with the lighter... Roxas bent down and picked the shiny object up, staring at it without actually seeing it.

He didn't even notice he had moved until he felt cold water washing over his feet. He looked up slowly, letting out a quiet gasp, his eyes suddenly burning although he didn't know why. He raised his arm, fingers closing around the small object, ready to throw it away, as far into the sea as his arms would be able to throw it...

... and froze before he could do it. He let his arm drop to his side again, still clutching the lighter so hard metal edges bit into his palm.

This was ridiculous. It was childish. It wouldn't help him at all if he threw this thing away, he wouldn't feel better if he did. He would... give it back. Or give it to Demyx to give it back, because he didn't think he wanted to talk to the redhead who owned it again anytime soon.

He turned and walked up to the beach again, picking up the other objects he had noticed earlier on his way, carrying them into the house. He dropped them on a small table next to the glass door leading to the flower garden, pausing when he was about to put the lighter down. He looked it over once more, tracing a strange engraving on one side with a finger. Some kind of circular weapon, Roxas assumed, with dangerous looking spikes pointing outwards, surrounded by flames, and underneath it cursive writing that said '_Akuseru Kouen_'.

Akuseru... right, the name Axel didn't want to be addressed by. How strange.

His fingers closed around it again, hand starting to shake a little.

Next thing he knew was him standing in front of his brother's room, feeling all choked up and his cheeks feeling oddly wet, a bitter lump forming in his throat. He opened the door as quietly as possible, tiptoeing into the room, leaving the door open.

Sora was awake. Roxas could hear quiet sniffing coming from the lump under the covers on the big bed, and the heart-broken sound let tears well up in his own eyes again.

He was a _failure_ as a brother... how could he let Sora alone like this? He was so selfish... Sora was blaming himself, and he had to be sad too... and confused, because right now he had to think he would never be able to talk to Riku again. Roxas knew how Sora felt for the silver haired boy. And right now he had to be torn between worrying about his little brother, blaming himself for everything that had happened and feeling sorrow about never being able to tell Riku what he felt. And he would never tell him, because he had to think Roxas wouldn't want him to after one of his friends had tried to... _kill_ him.

He ran to the bed, climbing on it and embracing Sora who jumped and gasped surprised, then latched onto him, sobbing hard and pressing his wet face to Roxas' shoulder.

"I'm sorry," Roxas murmured, stroking chocolate colored hair softly. "Don't cry, Sora, it's alright..." And all the while tears streamed down his own face.

He wanted Sora to be happy. He couldn't stand his brother being sad like this. It wasn't right.

They cried until they passed out from exhaustion. And they slept dreamlessly, clutching the other's hand while they rested.

* * *

The next day was... weird. Neither Sora nor Roxas really wanted to got to school, but they went anyway, holding hands until they reached the gates. They let go, simultaneously sighing and forcing smiles on their faces, entering the school grounds.

Roxas felt like everybody was staring at him, like they could see the now bluish colored, dark bruises on his skin even through the turtle neck shirt he was wearing. He fingered the collar of his white jacket nervously, keeping his gaze down.

Inside they separated without a word, just looking and smiling at each other briefly before going to their classes. Roxas took his books out of his locker, ignoring love letters fluttering to the ground when he opened it, as usual. But then he stopped, bending down and picking them up, shoving them into his bag before walking off.

It was too mean to just ignore them. It wasn't the writers' fault they believed they were in love with him. He could at least write back and tell them he didn't feel the same and they should stop it.

His first class was Math, and he didn't dare to sit at his usual desk. Instead he took Hayner's seat, taking out his books and notepad. When Hayner entered the room he didn't say anything, just laid one hand on Roxas' shoulder briefly before taking his seat behind Roxas.

Roxas didn't answer when Tidus and Pence asked him something, he just stared down at his desk, feeling slightly dazed and head spinning from too many thoughts running through his mind at once. He didn't want to answer questions.

He looked up again when two boys entered the room, holding hands like they always did. But he noticed Demyx was the one leading the other this time, and he noticed Axel looked like he hadn't slept in days. He was as white as a ghost, black tattoos and dark lashes contrasting sharply against the pallor of his skin, dark circles lying under his unusually dull eyes. He was looking at the floor all the time, only looking up briefly, a hurt look crossing his handsome face when he noticed the changed seating arrangements. He stopped when they passed Roxas' seat, holding Demyx back who looked at him sadly, but Roxas looked out of the window, folding his arms in front of his chest demonstratively.

He felt his hands starting to shake, and he bit his lip to hold back a scared whimper that suddenly crawled up his throat. He hadn't thought being near the redhead would affect him this much... but now he could feel those hands choking him again, and he could see green eyes looking down at him, filled with hatred...

He suppressed a relieved sigh when Axel looked down again and walked away, looking heartbroken, close to tears.

Somehow seeing him like this didn't make Roxas feel better. There it was again, this desire to comfort the sad redhead, battling his fear and almost winning. Almost.

He was so horribly confused, scared and angry. Why, why had Axel done that? _Now_ he looked like he was sorry...

His thoughts were interrupted when the teacher entered the room, only raising a brow at the change in seating arrangements. Mr. Leonhart's steely gray eyes wandered from Roxas to Axel and over a small group of pupils staring at the two of them and whispering, then his gaze turned into a hard glare, silencing whispering growing louder in the class room.

"Silence," he growled, pulling out the names list. "And prepare to do the problems you had to do for homework on the blackboard. Amano..."

* * *

Roxas survived the first few lessons pretty well, considering the circumstances. Sometimes he had to pause writing to stop the slight trembling of his hand, sometimes he had to fight the vision of cold, green eyes looking down at him, but overall he felt... not much. Sometimes a bit scared, sometimes near having a panic attack, but most of the time he felt just... indifferent. He guessed it was kind of a self-defense mechanism. To protect him from the memories, the fear. It only resurfaced when Axel was near him...

He changed seats with Hayner in every class he had with the redhead. Hayner never asked about it, just took Roxas' old seat next to Axel. Axel himself didn't say a word in any of their classes. He didn't seem to pay attention, and Roxas caught him stealing glances at him when he thought Roxas wasn't looking. Sometimes Roxas saw him trying to reach into his pocket before he seemed to remember something, fingers twitching nervously when he didn't find what he was searching for, biting his lip in a strangely lost way.

Demyx, Zexion and Riku didn't talk to him either. They seemed almost as down as Axel himself, not talking at all. Which wasn't surprising in Demyx' case, but Zexion and Riku usually often gave answers to questions teacher asked. They didn't today.

At lunch time he and Sora sat with their old friends again, in between Kairi and Namine who tried to cheer them up unsuccessfully. The mood at their table was quiet, gloomy and awkward, missing Sora's usual cheerfulness.

And then the four boys entered the cafeteria, and everybody went quiet. And not just at their table. Everybody in the _room_.

Everybody's eyes were on Axel. The redhead looked around tiredly, closing his eyes and sighing.

And then Roxas heard it. Whispering, murmurs like 'That's him!' 'Did you hear?' 'He tried to kill one of the Harada twins I heard...' 'Tried to choke him...'

Why did _everybody_ know about it?

Roxas turned to glare at those currently present at their table, noticing Sora doing the same. Tidus, Wakka, Hayner, Selphie and surprisingly even Olette and Pence were avoiding the twins' cold stares.

"You guys told _everybody_?" Sora hissed stunned, trying to keep his voice down so nobody around would hear him. More and more whispering was heard, the four boys still standing at the entrance, looking around the room. Demyx hid behind Zexion frightened. Riku said something to Axel, but the redhead didn't respond, just stared at the floor.

"We... we didn't," Selphie responded meekly. "We... just talked about it, and some girls overheard, and... and next lesson other people asked about it and..."

"And you just _told_ them?" Sora asked, his voice growing a tiny bit louder, angrier. "What were you _thinking_? Did you think Roxas would want everybody to know?"

Roxas didn't say anything. He glared at them harder, disappointed by his friends beyond words.

But he looked up when suddenly somebody shouted "Get lost, you freak!" rather loudly. The shout was followed by a thrown lunch tray. Axel managed to dodge the tray barely, his eyes widening in surprise.

"Yeah, get lost!" another yell was heard. "We don't need freaks like you here!" And someone threw one of the flower vases standing on the tables at the redhead. He managed to bat it aside, but some of the water that was still inside spilled over his black shirt.

Roxas and Sora jumped up simultaneously, ignoring more yells and shouts coming from the crowd, rushing over to where more and more people started to throw things at Axel, insulting him and telling him to go away.

They moved to stand in front of Axel, spreading their arms to shield him from accusing glares. The shouting quieted down immediately, everyone staring at the furious twins surprised.

"Leave him alone!" Sora yelled, his pretty face flushed from anger, blue eyes unusually cold.

"Mind your own business!" Roxas agreed, trying to ignore the closeness to the boy he had tried to avoid the whole day. It wasn't easy, but his anger at those people helped him to suppress the fear that threatened to overwhelm him again. How dared they? They didn't know anything, most of them didn't even know _him_, and yet they attacked the redhead because of a stupid rumor they had heard. They didn't even know if it was _true_!

It _was_, but that wasn't the _point_!

Most people looked away ashamed, a few still stared at them stunned. Roxas balled his hands into tight fists, gritting his teeth. He was so _angry_...

"Fuck _off_!" he yelled, attracting curious looks again, causing others to blush and look away quickly. "And if anyone bothers Axel or Riku or Demyx or Zexion again, I swear I'll get my parents to sue this fucking school in their names for harassment or something! IF ANYONE FEELS THE NEED TO MIND _MY_ FUCKING BUSINESS AGAIN THEY'LL BE SORRY!! HOLY FUCK!!! STAY THE FUCK OUT OF MY _LIFE_!!!"

Now everyone fell silent again, nobody daring to meet Roxas' furious glare. He felt Sora trying to reach out to him, but he just stormed away, stomping back to their table, grabbing his bag, glaring at his 'friends' once again. He didn't wait to hear their excuses, just ran off, pausing when he passed the small group at the entrance. Sora was looking at him sadly, the others somewhat surprised about his outburst, and Axel...

"Here," Roxas hissed quietly so no one else would hear him, pulling the lighter out of one of his pockets, holding it out to the redhead. "You lost that when you tried to _kill_ me."

Axel had been about to say something, but now he closed his mouth again. He didn't make a move to take it however, just stared at Roxas forlornly. He looked so _lost_...

Roxas dropped the lighter. It hit the ground with a metallic sound. Axel looked down at it, then at Roxas again.

"Sunshine..." he began, but Roxas interrupted him immediately.

"Don't _ever_ call me that again," he yelled, rage and hatred and the fear that kept gnawing on his mind overtaking him completely. "Don't touch me! Stay the fuck away from me, you sick freak!" He repeated the words Axel himself had thrown at him that first day, after Roxas had first tried to kiss him. It seemed so long ago now...

Axel seemed to remember, because he looked away ashamed. He didn't try to hold him back when Roxas stormed past him, didn't try to say a word.

Roxas ignored his brother calling out his name. He ran away, not caring who saw him or where he went.

He ended up in a bathroom, throwing his bag into a corner and hitting a wall angrily, cursing loudly as he did. He looked at himself in one of the mirrors, saw pretty cerulean eyes clouded by anger and confusion and hatred, saw how flushed from anger his face was. His hands were shaking badly now, but not because of fear like before. No, this time they itched to destroy something, to help release this overwhelming rage boiling in him. He wanted to shatter one of the mirrors, he wanted to punch someone until they _bled_, he wanted...

He grabbed the edge of the sink in front of him, leaning heavily on it and taking a few deep breaths to calm himself down. He splashed cold water to his face, slowly regaining his composure again.

It was too much. Why did all this shit happen to him, dammit? And it wasn't just him, Sora was hurting too, and it was _his_ damn fault... _All_ of it was his damn fault...

Again he looked at his reflection, staring at suddenly empty eyes and the ugly frown marring his features. He forced himself to relax, but he couldn't bring himself to smile. It just didn't work. He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose, feeling a headache already beginning to build behind his eyes.

Why did it hurt so much?

Not the injury, he barely even felt it anymore. No, it hurt inside. He felt so... unwanted. So betrayed. Useless. _It was all his fault!_

"Dammit," he whispered, gripping the sink even tighter, watching surprised as a single drop of clear liquid dripped from his chin. He raised one hand, feeling wetness on his cheeks, and suddenly all the anger rushed back to him full force. That stupid redheaded jerk wasn't _worth_ so many tears! He hated him! Hated how he made him feel! It wasn't _fair_!

Far away he heard the bell signaling the end of lunch break. He splashed more water on his face, wiping it dry with a paper towel, then ran one hand through his stylishly disheveled hair, straightened his jacket and grabbed his book bag, walking out of the bathroom.

He ignored everybody staring at him while he went to his next class, brushing by a few people rather roughly. He noticed Demyx, Zexion and Sora were already in class, all three of them staring at their desks.

He opened his bag and pulled out the sheets he had wanted to give Demyx and Zexion, dropping them on Demyx' table, startling the mulleted boy out of his thoughts. Demyx jumped, looking up at him, pretty blue-green eyes widening slightly.

Roxas turned around wordlessly and walked to his own seat. He plopped down, folding his arms on the desk and resting his head on them, staring out of the window. Not even Sora dared to talk to him.

He only put his stuff out of the bag when Miss Lockhart entered the room, but he froze when he opened the notepad.

The drawing. He still hadn't gotten rid of it.

He stared down at the drawing he had done of Axel the first time he had seen him. The taunting smirk on his lips, tiny flames dancing in his eyes... it seemed to _mock_ him.

His fingers closed around a pen unconsciously, and for a moment he felt the urge to rip the drawing from the notepad and cross it out, like all the others before. But he couldn't do it. He only crossed out pictures of people he wasn't interested in anymore. And even though he hated himself for it, a part of him still wanted Axel.

He turned the page angrily, starting to take notes.

And then he caught himself scanning the class, searching for...

... for what?

His gaze came to rest upon a girl, petite, raven haired, light blue eyes. Pretty. Even better, she looked nothing like a certain redhead he knew.

Sora was sitting next to him, and he instantly noticed the quick doodle Roxas scribbled next to his notes absentmindedly. He looked at the girl, then at Roxas who chose to ignore him.

Roxas looked down at a small piece of paper that was thrown onto his desk a moment later, opening it slowly.

'_Please don't start again. It will only hurt you. We can find a better way.'_ it read. He read it again, glancing at his brother who stared at the front of the classroom, a stony expression on his usually cheerful face.

He grabbed a pen and wrote a few words underneath, throwing the scrap of paper back. Sora picked it up, scanning the words and frowning, not looking at his twin.

'_It won't hurt me. It will make it better. Nothing else can. Not even you.'_

* * *

Roxas knew he had hurt Sora with this note, but he couldn't bring himself to care anymore. Sora ignored him after the lesson, deeply hurt by Roxas' words.

It was like back when Roxas hadn't met Axel yet. He knew he would hurt his brother, he knew he would hurt himself, but he couldn't stop. So he approached the girl after the lesson, a charming, faked smile on his face. He charmed her with sweet, empty words and a handsome smile, small gestures and shy looks and touches. She fell for his faked attention, like all the others had before.

After school he met her outside their class, taking her hand and smiling at her when she blushed. He didn't even know her name.

"Roxas," a terribly familiar voice called out to him, sounding oddly... quiet and hurt.

Roxas looked around, gaze settling on a tall figure next to the gates, leaning against the wall. Fire red hair was now pulled back into a ponytail, shorter strands framing a pale, sad face. Slender fingers played with a silver lighter nervously before clutching it tightly.

"What do you want?" Roxas hissed sharply, feeling oddly satisfied when Axel grimaced and winced slightly at his harsh tone.

"Can I talk to you?" Axel asked, sounding somewhat dejected and glancing at the girl who was glaring at him. "Alone?"

Roxas debated whether to tell him off and just walk away, but he nodded, turning to the girl to tell her to wait for him down the street. She didn't like that, but she nodded and ran off anyway, shooting Axel a dirty look before she departed.

Roxas glared at the nervous redhead who didn't dare to look at him now, emerald eyes finally resting on the ground before him. He sighed deeply, closing his eyes.

"I'm sorry," he mumbled finally, not even looking up. "I know that's probably not enough, but... I didn't want to hurt you."

"Then why did you do it?" Roxas snarled, too angry to be afraid of this guy who had tried to strangle him two days ago anymore. He laughed sardonically, relishing the sight of Axel wincing again. "Am I that bad of a kisser? Or do you just _hate_ me that much? My bad, I guess I thought you liked me. Maybe it was you hugging me and flirting with me all the time that made me believe that, silly me... That was just your way of showing me how much you _despise_ me, right?"

"That's not it!" Axel retorted fervidly, stepping back when Roxas paled and stared at him wide-eyed, fear now raising inside him again. "S-Sorry, I... Please, let me _explain_..."

"No," Roxas whispered, suddenly not wanting to know anything anymore. "I _won't_ let you explain! Because nothing you could say would make it better! There's no excuse for what you did! I really _liked_ you, Axel!" Axel's expression darkened when he realized Roxas had used past tense. Roxas tried to tell himself the sorrow in those emerald eyes made him feel better. "Do you even _remember_ what I told you before you tried to choke me?"

"Every word," Axel answered dully, avoiding Roxas' gaze again. It surprised Roxas a bit, but he refused to show that.

"Yeah? Well, forget it! I don't feel like that anymore!" he said, his voice as cold as ice. He tried to sound angry and disdainful, but his voice sounded like he felt inside. Hollow and cold. "Don't come near me again, or I will go to the police."

Axel seemed to want to say something else, reaching out to Roxas, desperation written all over his face, but then he let his hand drop to his side again, looking down and nodding sadly.

Roxas brushed past him, walking over to where the girl was standing, watching them warily. He smiled at her, taking her hand again and leaning forward, kissing her lightly on the lips, looking back at the boy standing at the gates. A dark feeling of triumph welled up inside him when he took in the crestfallen look on Axel's face.

He smirked, turning around and walking away, never letting go of the hand of this girl, who followed him a little dazed, a bright smile on her pretty face.

* * *

Of course she was like all the others before. She fell for his whispered lies and meaningless kisses instantly, and to push her away when she tried to seduce him satisfied him more like it had ever done before. Of course he offered her one of the guest rooms so she wouldn't have to walk home in the dark alone, telling her in an emotionless voice he didn't want to see her again and that this had meant nothing. She ran away crying. Oh yes, they always did.

Roxas watched her laughing cruelly, still laughing when he went to his own room. He didn't hear the desperate and hysteric note in his laughter, he didn't notice tears streaming down his face as he laughed. He didn't hear Sora opening the door quietly, staring at him for a few minutes before walking away again. He only heard when Sora slammed the door shut angrily, ending his laughing instantly.

Now he could feel it again, sorrow and confusion and anger and guilt, but this time he wasn't able to cry anymore. He only slept for three hours that night.

* * *

The only thing Sora told him the next day was that he understood why Roxas had done it. But he sounded so broken when he said it, his voice wavering and almost breaking, it made Roxas feel even more guilty.

But he couldn't stop.

Every day he brought home someone else, and he could see Sora laugh less and less. Their friends noticed too. Sora's eyes grew sadder with every day passing, every new 'test object' Roxas brought home. They didn't really talk anymore.

* * *

Every day Roxas caught a certain redhead watching him, his expression unreadable. Sometimes he thought Axel was sad, then he thought the redhead was angry at him. But he couldn't really tell. Sometimes he watched Axel smirk and joke and laugh like nothing happened, and it hurt. It hurt to think all this didn't affect Axel like it affected him.

But two weeks later he caught Axel outside school, hiding in a small park behind the school building, crying his beautiful eyes out. And the sight made Roxas feel...

... awful.

He couldn't help it, he felt incredible sorry for the crying boy. He wanted to comfort him so badly, but his wounded pride and stubborn, childish anger wouldn't let him. He knew Axel hadn't been in school this day, and he knew his friends were worried about him, so he called Zexion and told him where Axel was. Zexion thanked him reservedly before he hung up on Roxas.

* * *

A few days later he overheard his brother and Riku arguing outside their house. He looked down at them from the small balcony adjoining his room, hiding carefully behind the railing. Riku had come over to talk to Sora, and they were standing down near the front door, right under Roxas' room, about three feet apart from each other.

"Why can't we talk anymore, Sora?" Riku wanted to know, folding his arms in front of his chest and glaring at the smaller boy half-heartedly.

"You know what happened," Sora answered meekly. "Roxas..."

"I don't care about Roxas," Riku growled, looking to the side. "All he does nowadays is being an asshole!"

"It's not like that!" Sora protested, biting his lip briefly before continuing. "He... He's just having a rough time. It's not his fault."

"But it's not Axel's fault either, but your brother sure acts like it. He didn't even let Axel apologize for it." Riku shook his head, frowning and looking up again. "Axel is having a rough time too, but at least _he_ doesn't make other people suffer because of it. And I daresay Axel is feeling way worse than Roxas."

"I'm sorry Axel still feels bad about it," Sora mumbled quietly. "I know he's really sorry, but... what he did hurt Roxas so much. And now he..."

"He makes you miserable," Riku said unusually gentle, making Sora blush lightly. "What he does is childish and it hurts those around him, and I think he knows that too. Yet he doesn't stop."

"But he is my little brother," Sora replied softly. "What he does is wrong, I know, but... he's my brother, and I love him. I have to wait until he decides to talk to me about it. I know he's hurting inside, and I know he needs me. I can't leave him alone, and if I talked to you it would be like... I betrayed him. Do you understand what I mean?"

"Sora..." Riku stepped closer, reaching out to Roxas' twin and touching his cheek lightly, this time not looking uncomfortable at all. The look he gave Sora was warm and sad and so full of longing it made Roxas want to cry. "I know you want to help him, but you have to think about yourself too. He makes you cry. I can't stand the thought of you crying."

Sora smiled at him, a sad, shaky smile, but it was the first _real_ smile Roxas had seen on his brother's face in days.

"I'm fine, Riku," Sora said, laying his hand over Riku's and squeezing it gently. Riku didn't flinch this time. "Don't worry about me."

"I can't help it, I'm always worried about you," Riku whispered so softly Roxas almost couldn't understand him. "I miss your smile. You are beautiful when you smile, you know that?"

At this both brothers stared at him open-mouthed, speechless.

"It's true," Riku said, smirking slightly and laying one arm around Sora's slim waist, bringing him closer. "The way your eyes shine when you smile... the way you wrinkle your cute little nose a bit when you laugh, the way you squint a tiny little bit when you laugh really hard, everything..." And closer... "The way every room seems to brighten as soon as you enter it... the way you cross your arms behind your head in that cute way of yours... the way everyone seems to feel better when they're around you... You are beautiful. Everything about you is. Your eyes, your smile, your face, your body and soul... the way you act, the way you talk, the way you... do _everything_." Riku blinked, suddenly noticing how close they were. Sora was still staring at him wide-eyed, blushing heavily. Their noses were almost touching, and Riku's arm was still around Sora's waist, holding him in place.

For a while they were silent, and Roxas thought he should leave them alone now... but he couldn't look away, and it made his heart break when he saw how utterly happy Sora looked, despite the shock still evident on his face.

How could he be against them being together when it made his brother so happy just to be held by Riku like this?

"Crap, I feel like some kind of creepy stalker now," Riku said smirking, making no movement to distance himself from Sora again.

Sora still stared at him, but now the small, shocked smile on his face turned into a wide grin, then a chuckle, then loud, happy laughter. He threw his head back while he laughed, his hands clutching Riku's arms for support.

"Wow, Riku..." he giggled after he had calmed down a bit again, still grinning from ear to ear. "Waaay to kill the mood!"

Riku shrugged, grinning himself. "It worked," he said smiling, again leaning closer to Sora, and Roxas was fairly sure their noses _were_ touching this time. "At least I could make you laugh again," he added, his silky voice now sounding slightly hoarse. Sora stopped laughing again, staring into Riku's aquamarine colored eyes and blushing deeply.

He didn't move when Riku closed the gap between them, only clung to the taller boy even more, closing his eyes and kissing back shyly, blushing the whole time.

Roxas turned around, sitting down behind the railing, holding his head in his hands.

To think that his actions had almost cost Sora this... dare he already call it a relationship? Well, if Riku hadn't acted like he had done, Sora would have lost him... and it would have been Roxas fault.

He couldn't stand this thought.

"Wow..." he could hear his brother whisper from below him, Sora's voice sounding slightly dazed. "Your hair feels so soft... Hey, what kind of shampoo do you use?"

A moment of stunned silence. Then Roxas heard Riku laughing loudly, a sound he hadn't heard often yet. Riku was more the silently grinning/smirking/chuckling type. But now he was laughing, and hard at that.

"Now... _that's_ a way to kill the mood!" he chuckled, silencing Sora's protests somehow, probably by kissing him again. "And it's just some cheap no-name product. But I like your hair better anyway. It's cute on you."

"Hey, don't laugh at me! I just..."

"I'm not laughing. I don't _laugh_!"

"You just did!"

"Did not!"

"Did too!"

"Not!"

"Whatever... I still like your hair better. It's so silky and... you're laughing again!"

"M-mm... am n-not!"

Roxas chuckled from his place on the balcony, sliding back into his room quietly, closing the glass door behind him. He went downstairs, hearing the front door open and close.

Sora was a bit surprised when he saw Roxas standing in the hallway, a smile on his lips but tears in his eyes.

"R-Roxy, I thought... I thought you were doing homework?" he stuttered nervously, blinking when Roxas crashed into him, closing his arms around him in a tight hug. "Roxy?"

"I'm so sorry, Sora," Roxas whispered, hugging his twin tighter. "I was so selfish."

"What are you talking about? Roxy?" Sora petted his head softly. "What do you mean?"

"I want you to be happy," Roxas said, smiling at his twin sadly. "That I'm miserable doesn't mean you have to be too. He's right, you know... you should laugh more again."

"What?" Sora blushed a deep shade of crimson. "You heard? Oh, crap..."

"It's _fine_! Sora, I really want you to be happy," Roxas laughed, letting go of his brother again and wiping his eyes once, sighing softly. "I won't feel betrayed if you want to be with him more often, you know. You should sit with him at lunch again."

"But... but..." Sora groaned and rubbed his forehead nervously. "Aw, crap. But I wanted to be a good big brother for once and to be there for you..."

"Silly," Roxas chuckled, flicking Sora's nose playfully. "You were _always_ there for me. You are the best brother I could ever wish for. But it's about time you stopped worrying about me and thought about yourself for once. Okay?" And when Sora tried to protest again he added, "And if you don't want to do it for you, do it for me. Please? I want at least one of us be happy. And that won't be me, that's for sure."

At this Sora fell silent, a pained expression crossing his face. He looked at his feet, nodding slowly.

"If... if it's really alright with you... I would really like to spend time with Riku..." he said hesitantly. "But... but I also want you to be happy. You know I'm there for you when you want to talk, don't you?"

"Of course I know," Roxas answered, kissing his twin's forehead softly. "And I'm grateful for having a brother like you. Don't ever doubt that."

He turned to go to his room again, stopping at the stairs when Sora called out for him quietly.

"Please stop," was the only thing Sora said.

"I can't," Roxas answered sadly, leaving his brother behind.

* * *

The next day Sora sat with Riku at lunch, surprising everybody but Roxas. Roxas just smiled and ate his lunch, not answering any questions.

Sora took Riku by surprise by gently taking his hand. But Riku didn't even attempt to pull away like he had always done, no, this time he just smiled at Sora fondly, stunning the other boys sitting with them as well as Sora's other friends. He seemed to be relaxed around Sora now, not jumpy like before. He didn't seem to mind Sora touching him anymore.

Zexion patted Riku's shoulder at this progress, congratulating both boys smirking. Demyx grinned too, but he hit Zexion's arm playfully, shaking his head at the blue haired boy teasing them. Zexion blushed when Demyx added a quick peck on the cheek.

It was nice to watch them. Cute.

At least until Axel rose and walked away without saying a word, eyes downcast.

The four boys he left behind and Roxas watched his retreat, all of them similar expression on their faces. Sad and guilty.

Roxas didn't take anybody home with him that day. He couldn't get the sad look on Axel's face out of his mind. And again he wished he could do anything to comfort the redhead, wished he could get over himself already and talk to Axel again. But he couldn't. He was still hurt, he still felt so betrayed by Axel... He just _couldn't_...

It was three days later when Riku, Zexion and Demyx confronted him. They followed him and Sora after school, demanding to talk to Roxas. He didn't want to and tried to walk away, out of the small park they had to cross on their way home, but Demyx stopped him.

By slapping him.

Roxas stared at the dirty-blond boy stunned, flinching when Demyx raised his hand again, his pretty eyes blazing with fury. Zexion grabbed his hand, holding Demyx back gently, looking fairly surprised himself.

Roxas felt his stinging cheek gingerly, blinking away tears that had gathered in his eyes because of the pain. Dammit, that had _hurt_!

"Hey, what did you do that for?" Sora cried, laying one hand on Roxas' shoulder. "Are you okay, Roxy?"

"I told you not to hurt him!" Demyx hissed, his beautiful, rarely heard voice now sounding downright furious. "I _told_ you! How can you be so _cruel_?"

"Demy..." Zexion tried to calm him down, but to everybody's surprise Demyx pushed him away roughly.

"No, don't you 'Demy' me!" he shouted angrily, again glaring at Roxas who stepped back unconsciously. "Answer me! How can you do that to Axel? Can't you see he's sorry for what he did? Can't you see he's going through _hell_ because of it?"

"He tried to kill me!" Roxas yelled back, now feeling angry himself.

"That was not his fault!" Demyx screamed, again trying to free himself from Zexion's grip. "He can't help getting flashbacks! He can't stop them! What did you do to him to trigger this damn flashback?"

"I didn't do anything!" Roxas defended himself, but he knew that wasn't true. It had been the kiss, he was fairly sure of it.

"LIAR!" Demyx shrieked, then broke out in tears, leaning heavily onto Zexion for support. "He didn't have flashbacks for months, and then he's alone with you and... and..." Demyx stopped, now falling to his knees, sobbing uncontrollably. Zexion embraced him gently, whispering calming words to him.

"I didn't do anything wrong," Roxas repeated, but now he sounded unsure. "We... we were just... just..."

"What did you _do_?" Demyx cried again, looking up at him pleadingly. "What did you _do_ to him, Roxas? He was starting to get _better_, and now..."

"I... I..." Roxas felt his heart sink. This whole situation had to have effected the redhead more than he thought for Demyx to be worried like this. He had to tell them... "I told him... I told him I liked him... kind of. And that he confused me. And... and that I thought he was beautiful and..."

"You _what_?" Demyx screamed, holding tighter onto Zexion. Zexion silenced him with a quick shake of his head, turning to look at Roxas.

"What did you do?" he asked, his cobalt eye boring into Roxas'. "What did you do after you told him that?"

Roxas didn't even try to hold his burning gaze. He looked down, trying to swallow around the bitter lump forming in his throat. "I kissed him," he admitted dejectedly, jumping when Demyx suddenly cried out loudly, painfully, holding onto Zexion even tighter if this was possible. Zexion's eye widened, and he pressed his lips together, a deep frown on his pale face. "B-But that's no reason to try to strangle me!" he protested, tears gathering in his own eyes. Shit, what had he done wrong? "And... and he even tried to fight Riku when he helped me..."

"Oh, there's a reason for that," Riku's calm voice interrupted him. Roxas whirled around to stare at him. He had forgotten the silver haired boy was even _there_... "I understand why he was so scared of me," Riku explained, and Roxas could see tears in the other's eyes too. "It's because I look like _them_."

"Look like _who_?" Roxas managed to croak, his throat and mouth suddenly feeling dry. The grabbed Riku's arm, and this time Riku let him, only flinching slightly, but not moving away. The other boy looked him straight in the eye.

"I look like the men who held Axel, Demyx and Zexion hostage for months," he said, his voice wavering, almost breaking. "The men who raped and almost killed them." He grabbed a handful of his silvery hair, pulling at the silky strands, the first tears escaping his aquamarine eyes. "I look just like my brothers."

* * *

**Author's Notes:** ...

MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!! How cliffhangerish!

What's that? Another story twist? Hell, yeah! Because my brain is twisted like that! xD Most of you probably already guessed that they were raped or at least abused, but, well, I LIKE TO BE UNPREDICTABLE!! So, there! xP I added another thing you can chew on until I post the next chapter. Riku's brothers! And admit it, you all love my unpredictableness! xP Okay, maybe not that much anymore. But I can tell you, I really can't think of ways to twist this story more than I already did.

Well, another freakishly long chapter done. A tiny little bit of explanation. Loads of angst and emoness. And I really like to make them cry way too much. Damn me:3

Another round of awesome reviews! xD I really didn't think anybody would want to talk to me anymore after this last chapter... you guys must really, really like my story. o.O Anyway, and again I want to thank all of you who reviewed, be it my regular reviewers or new ones: **Xdrop., TehChibiKunai, oblivion-oathkeeper, The Teenage Writer, pride1289, Nakamura Junko, CantTakeU, gigglesrus16, Jequila, Ttwist, Kkate01**

Phew. And someone wrote me my penname was hard to spell. Oh well. I hope I got all the names right. Screw that, I hope I got all the _names_! o.O Damn, they are getting more each chapter... please don't be mad if I forgot you, just... PM me and tell me, and you'll get an endlessly long email of apology back.

So... well... that's it, I think. If the next chapter is going to get as long as this one, I'll take some more time to write it. Because, you know, there is a life besides writing. I can't keep writing at this speed, my hands already hurt... owie:( But, well, I hope it won't take longer than... let's say... two weeks. Stress on 'hope'. Until then... Bye!


	14. Chapter 13

**Summary:** His life had always been perfect, or at least so Roxas had liked to think. But overcoming his own fears for someone else isn't as easy as it seems. When both his own and his lover's past threatens their unstable relationship, Roxas has to face the truth: His life was far from perfect. But at least it was better than Axel's.

**Warnings:** Yaoi. Mentioning of rape and abuse.

**Pairings:** AkuRoku main, RikuxSora, ZexionxDemyx side pairings. Possible LeonxCloud later on. Much, much later though.

**Disclaimer:** Hm, no. They still are property of Square Enix and Disney.

**Chapter Dedication:** To **Riku-Stalker**, who turned seventeen this week! Yay! Again, happy b-day, Sweetie! And to **Kuraieshi**, who took time to beta this chapter in between packing her stuff, because she's moving from England to Denmark! And she keeps drawing scenes from my ficcie... Awezome! You rock my world, Darling!!

**Thanks to:** Of course everyone who reviewed! Yes, I'm going to do that _here _from now on... Well, I appreciate every single review I get, and of course I want to thank all of you who reviewed, guys, you rock! I can't believe I get new reviewers every chapter still! Well, here are the new ones: **Shebakune, Girlie's Royal Ed, Varlen, AishanuSoma, Tinnerzs, AichanKitsune, Blades of Silver, Arctic Rabbit, Jizabel Disraeli, FallenxStar, ellegurl, raikouinazuma, xxjust-a-nobodyxx, brianmandingo, Itooshi, rawker-demyx, Tene, Bluumberry, Stoned-2-Panda, Carli-Chan**

And once again I hope I didn't forget anyone... Oh god, the new ones are getting more and more each chapter! o.O BUT THAT DOES NOT MEAN I FORGOT ALL OF YOU WHO WEREN'T MENTIONED HERE!!! I only write the _new _reviewers in each chapter, please don't feel left out, I'm sure you were mentioned in one of the former chapters. It's just... I'm too lazy to write all names here every chapter. There. I said it. Too fricken lazy! The names are getting too many! I mean, look at that! Those are only the ones who never reviewed before! I got almost 50 reviews last chapter! Isn't that awesome?

Oh well. Enjoy!

* * *

**Perfect Match - Chapter 13**

Sora's hand felt cold. But that didn't really surprise Roxas, because his own hands were so cold he couldn't really feel his fingers anymore. But he didn't dare to let go of Sora's shaking hand, fearing he would break down if he did.

They were sitting in the living room of a small house they had learned the four boys lived in. Riku was sitting in a comfy chair on the other side of a small glass table, looking out of a window. Zexion and Demyx had gone upstairs, Zexion trying to comfort Demyx the best he could. Demyx hadn't stopped crying the whole way to the house.

Roxas still felt dazed, not believing what Riku had told them.

They had been raped... almost killed... by Riku's older brothers? He knew what the words _meant_, but he still wasn't able to fully grasp their _meaning_. If that made any sense at all.

Sora, who was sitting next to him, was staring into space, obviously still as shocked as Roxas himself. He was pale and his hand was clutching Roxas' icy fingers tightly, shaking badly. He looked as if he was about to pass out, blinking slowly every now and then, his breathing erratic and strangely choppy, cerulean eyes glazed over, not really seeing anything.

Roxas forced himself to look up when he heard Zexion coming back again. The blue haired boy looked close to tears himself now, but he held them back. As did Riku.

"Do you want something to drink?" Zexion asked quietly, looking at Sora and then Roxas.

Sora didn't even react to his voice, just his hand holding Roxas' twitched a bit.

"Yes, please," Roxas answered, surprised at how normal his own voice sounded. Zexion nodded and walked away again, once again leaving them with Riku, who now turned his head to look at them, his aquamarine eyes unusually dark. He didn't say anything, just stared at Sora, who didn't even seem to acknowledge him.

Zexion came back, placing two glasses of water in front of the twins. Roxas thanked him politely. Zexion nodded again, taking a seat next to Riku and sighing deeply.

"I guess..." Riku finally said, obviously feeling horribly uncomfortable. At the sound of _his_ voice Sora looked up, gazing at the silver haired boy sadly. Riku looked away, not being able to meet Sora's gaze. "I guess we owe you the whole story now. Are... are you sure... you want to hear it?"

Roxas and Sora looked at each other, staring into the other's eyes for a while. They both felt unsure how to answer this question. They had wanted to know what was wrong with the four boys for so long now, but now...

Sora looked back at Riku first, a look of determination on his face. He nodded, with tears welling up in his eyes, sniffing quietly.

Roxas looked at Riku too, seeing the other boy looking even more miserable than before. He pulled his brother closer, laying an arm around Sora's trembling shoulders comfortingly, smiling weakly at Riku.

"I want to hear it too," he answered, feeling his voice growing weaker and weaker. "I need to know... to know what happened to Axel. I need to know what I did to hurt him. And _why_ what I did frightened him so much."

"It really wasn't your fault," Zexion said softly, resting his chin in the palm of his hand, gazing at them with his one seeing eye. "You didn't know what happened. You didn't know kissing him would affect him so much."

"I shouldn't even have tried..." Roxas whispered. "He... he didn't want it, I _knew_ that..."

"But it happened," Zexion replied, sighing again and rubbing his temple briefly. "There's nothing we can do about it now. Other than... try to make you understand _why_ he acted like he did."

Roxas nodded, feeling tears welling up in his own eyes. Now Sora's arm sneaked around his waist, squeezing him gently. It comforted him a little. If his brother had not been with him... Roxas didn't think he would be able handle this...

For a while nobody spoke. The silence was deafening, terrible, yet no one dared to break it.

"It was my brothers," Riku finally spoke up, his voice sounding oddly hollow and hurt at the same time, the same way his eyes appeared now. "My four older brothers. Sephiroth, Kadaj, Yazoo, Loz. All of them are crazy, cruel bastards." He laughed quietly, mirthlessly, a horrible sound that made Sora sob quietly. "I was... 'raised' isn't really the right word... _kept alive_ by them since I was very young. My mother died giving birth to me, my father... died three years later. Officially we were taken care of by our uncle and aunt after he died; in fact we never really saw them... Sephiroth, who was fourteen when our father died, just... just told them we were fine by ourselves. Uncle and Aunt didn't really care, and they _always_ believed Sephiroth, since he was always so... mature... so they left it all to him, only providing money for us. Seph did all the 'grown-up'-stuff." He sighed deeply, closing his eyes for a short moment. When he continued, a slight tremor crept into his voice.

"My brothers blamed me for the death of our mother. They hated me for it. They had adored Mother, almost religiously so, and she died because of me... They never forgave me for being born. They... were kids themselves when she died; Sephiroth was the eldest, eleven at that time... Loz and Yazoo were eight, Kadaj seven. Kadaj had adored Mother most. He... he hated me the most too, but the others weren't really any better. Sephiroth kept telling them it was my fault, and they were all too willing to believe it. They... they abused me. At... at first they only hit me... but..." He hugged himself, pulling his knees up to his chest in an attempt to curl up against the world, against the memories.

His eyes were glued to the floor while he spoke, voice kept low and almost emotionless while horrible words came out of his fast moving mouth. He seemed to spit the words out, to force himself to explain as fast as possible, as if he was afraid he wouldn't be able to talk anymore if he stopped once...

"I wasn't allowed to go outside until I was six. They locked me up in a room, sometimes for _days_, only gave me enough to eat and drink to survive, and they only _let_ me survive because Sephiroth said I had to live so they could punish me. Sephiroth decided he would let me go to school when I was six, of course only to show me how much better the other kids were. Kids who hadn't killed their mother. His mind worked twisted like that. He wanted to show me other kids weren't beaten, because they didn't kill Mother. Other kids got toys and... and presents, because they didn't kill Mother. Other kids were hugged and kissed and loved, because they didn't kill Mother. Other kids didn't deserve to be punished, punched, hit, kicked, pushed down the stairs, locked up in a closet, they didn't deserve to have their head crashed against the wall so they couldn't see or think or move properly anymore for days, or to have their wrists cut open and be left to bleed to death... _because they didn't kill Mother_!"

Riku curled up even more, eyes staring into nothingness, dull and lifeless. It was horrible to see him like this, and this empty gaze reminded Roxas so much of Axel's eyes when the redhead had tried to choke him... He shuddered, hugging Sora closer, feeling Sora squeeze him back gently.

"The... the only reason I survived so long was... Cloud," Riku continued shakily, a small smile now lighting up his pale face. Roxas and Sora exchanged a surprised look, thinking of their P.M. teacher.

"Cloud? You... you mean... Mr. Strife?" Sora asked timidly. Riku nodded.

"He's my cousin," he explained quietly, chuckling softly when he noticed the twins' disbelieving looks. "Yes, our mothers were sisters. He's only two years younger than Sephiroth, and he was often at our house before my mother died... Afterwards he didn't come over as much anymore. Until my father died and my brothers started to 'punish' me. He saved my life more often than I can count. My brothers never dared to fight him, because Sephiroth... he was infatuated with Cloud, to say the least. So he never tried to hurt Cloud, and my other brothers feared Sephiroth too much to stand up against Cloud. Not that they would have stood a chance against him, because he never was a pushover. He may look a bit fragile, but he's really strong. I think he would have been able to beat up even Sephiroth... Anyway, Cloud often rescued me when they had punished me, like this one time when... when..." Riku paused, rubbing the inside of his left wrist with his other hand thoughtfully. "You know, Sephiroth never wanted me to die, because then they wouldn't be able to punish me anymore, but Kadaj... Kadaj hated me so much, he even disobeyed Sephiroth's orders and tried to kill me once. He got Yazoo and Loz to hold me down, and then he cut open my wrist. Yazoo and Loz laughed about it, only told him to wrap the wound up so I wouldn't die, and then they walked away. They left me alone with him, and Kadaj didn't think about trying to save me. He continued to hold me down while I grew weaker and weaker, telling me how he would love seeing the life drain from me... like it had from Mother..."

Riku paused for a while, closing his eyes, causing first tears to fall. He took a deep breath and continued to speak, his voice growing more distressed as he told them about what his brothers had done.

"C-Cloud found us like that, I was already dizzy and close to passing out because I had lost so much blood... so... much..." He shook his head quickly, silver hair flying around his head, and then fisted both hands in the silky strands, barely holding back a sob. "K-Kadaj was grinning at me the whole time; he was _savoring_ my cries, the tears... Cloud pulled him off me, picked me up and carried me all the way to the nearest hospital. I was five at that time. I didn't dare to tell the people there what had happened, so I told them I had done it myself because I had been clumsy or something... Cloud tried to tell them Kadaj had done it, but of course Sephiroth came to the hospital and defended Kadaj, and they chose to believe him and me rather than Cloud. Cloud's parents, who adored Sephiroth and never believed Cloud when he told them what my brothers did to me, told him not to tell such lies anymore, and he was furious... I thought he hated me too now, but one day he came over again, sneaked into my room and told me I should run away when they tried to hurt me again. He told me I could hide at his house whenever I needed to and gave me a key to their house that he had stolen. He... really was the only friend I had."

Riku paused again, taking another deep breath to calm himself down.

"After that... my brothers were more careful. They never left me and Kadaj alone for one. And they were careful not to leave evidence of the abuse. They were careful to tend my wounds and bruises so they wouldn't leave marks or scars. And when I started to go to school they only hurt me where they could hide the injuries with my clothing. I never dared to show my injuries to my teachers or... or anybody else, besides Cloud. He told me again and again I should talk to an adult about this, but I was too scared... And he couldn't do anything, because his parents didn't believe him at all, they downright hated him, and they always told him he should act more like Sephiroth... one time they even told him they'd rather have Sephiroth as their son than him. Well, I went to school, but I never tried to speak to other children, I never dared to play with them, never dared to touch them because I was scared they would hurt me like my brothers did. I guess I was an odd child, I barely talked, some of my classmates and teachers actually thought I wasn't _able_ to... And the fact I didn't want them to touch me just added to my reputation as the 'Weird kid'. Sometimes I wonder... why nobody ever guessed something was wrong with me. Sometimes I wonder why... why something like this could happen in a city like Hollow Bastion. Where the _authorities_ were when my brother tried to _kill_ me, why nobody came to check on four young boys who had lost their parents... why... why they never even checked if our aunt and uncle really cared for us properly." He paused for a moment, lips pressed together in a thin line, eyes hard and hurt. "Whatever... Back at home Sephiroth changed his methods... Sometimes he was nice to me now, even helped me with my homework, just to... to think about even more cruel ways to torture me. He... he told me things... He... he told me... _he_ had killed our father... because he had dared to _infect_ Mother with a deadly _disease_, _me_... I still don't know if it's _true_. I... I don't doubt he would have been able to, even at age fourteen..."

Sora clamped a hand over his mouth to muffle a loud sob, causing Riku to flinch and look up at him.

"Yes, that's my brothers. Cloud was the only reason I survived, really... but then... then he was gone one day. His parents told me he had run away, but they didn't really seem to be sad about it... And... and a month later I... I..." Riku swallowed thickly, his breathing suddenly growing labored and hectic. "I found... found... Cloud... _in our own house_!" He screamed the last words, hiding his face in his hands, but still he kept on telling them, his voice now sounding shrill, lost and _terrified_. "S-Sephiroth's _infatuation_ seemed to b-be more than that, h-he was _obsessed_ by the wish to... to _possess_ Cloud. He was jealous that Cloud always came to see _me_, and he hated me even more because of it... and... and his feelings for Cloud changed too, h-he... he... Oh _God_..." Riku sobbed once, loudly, still not daring to look up. "I... I h-heard noises coming from the basement, and I went down, and... t-the door was open and... I... I saw Sephiroth... _raping_ Cloud! His own _cousin_! Cloud's hands were tied, he c-couldn't defend himself, h-he just lay there... crying, but he didn't utter a sound, h-he didn't scream, while... Sephiroth did... did _things_ to him..." Riku's voice broke, and he stopped talking altogether, crying into his hands quietly.

Sora broke away from Roxas to jump up and rushing to Riku's side, embracing the silver haired boy without saying anything. Riku flinched away from his touch, tried to shove him away, but Sora held onto him tightly, tears streaming down his face. Riku couldn't resist him for long, soon his shoulders slumped and he hugged Sora back, crying like a lost child.

Zexion and Roxas watched them, Zexion sad and thoughtful, Roxas shocked and horrified.

He couldn't believe it. How could anybody do something like this to their own _brother_? He wasn't the perfect brother himself, and he knew some things he did hurt Sora... but even when he did those things he could barely stand the thought of Sora being mad at him, and he could never even _think_ about hurting his brother like _this_!

He watched as Sora kissed away tears from Riku's face, the silver haired teen shying away from him again. Sora didn't say anything, just smiled sadly, resting his forehead against Riku's, and closing his eyes.

"Sorry," he breathed, combing through silky silver hair with one hand, the other resting lightly on a shivering shoulder. "I... just... wanted to help. If you want me to stop hugging you I will, okay?"

"S-Sora... did you _listen_ to me?" Riku cried, grabbing Sora's arm and letting go again immediately, once again hiding his face behind his hands. "D-Did you hear what I _said_? How can you _still_ want to _touch_ me?"

"Because," Sora simply said, resting his chin on top of Riku's head. "Riku, nothing of this was your fault. You didn't do anything wrong. It was your brothers who..."

"That's it! They are my _brothers_, Sora!" Riku interrupted him desperately, shoving Sora away from him and holding him at arm's length, staring into his eyes. "They are my _family_! And they are a bunch of brutal, blood-thirsty, crazy madmen! How can you still want to come near me knowing the same blood runs through my veins? How can you stand being in the same room as me? How can you _not_ be _disgusted_ by my sheer _presence_?"

"Because you're _Riku_," Sora explained surprisingly calm, smiling softly at the distressed boy. "You're not them. You are _nothing_ like them. You are nice, and funny, and I like you... very much." He looked down, blushing a little bit. "I don't care that they are your brothers. They are not your _family_. Family wouldn't do something like this to each other. It's horrible!" Tears filled his big, cerulean eyes, and he looked up to Riku again. "Now... now I understand why you never wanted to be touched... I'm so sorry! Why didn't you tell me earlier? I... I always tried to... Why didn't you tell me I was too pushy? God, I must have been unbearable! I-I'm sorry..."

"No, don't be..." Riku said softly, sighing deeply and letting go of Sora's arms, hugging himself again. "I... kind of wanted you to... I don't know. Be my friend, I guess." He sighed again, rubbing his cheek tiredly and forcing a crooked, cheerless smile onto his face. "That first day, when you... when you jumped up as soon as the teacher asked who would show me and Zexion around... you were so cheerful, and so nice, so innocent, so full of... full of _light_... and... I have to admit I was really jealous." The small smile on his pale face grew a tiny little bit, aquamarine eyes softening visibly. "You were talking about your brother in such a... caring way..." He looked at Roxas who just stared back, still unable to say anything. "I kind of knew it is supposed to feel like this about family, but... well... I never learned how to care so much about another person. But just being near you, talking to you... made me wish I was able to feel like this about somebody. To care so much."

"That's what you meant when you said you wanted to be like Sora," Roxas blurted out, unable to control his thoughts properly. He blushed when Riku looked at him questioningly, wishing he would have kept his big mouth shut.

"I knew I saw something back then..." Zexion suddenly spoke up, grinning when Roxas and Sora blushed lightly. "You guys were eavesdropping when we were in Aerith's office, weren't you?"

"Well... eh... yeah," Sora admitted, blushing harder when Riku's quizzical gaze landed on him. "I was kinda... down because of this fight between Hayner and Axel and... Roxy said we should follow you, but you weren't done yet and we thought that was odd because Miss Gainsborough is such a good nurse and only Axel was hurt and... Yeah. We were eavesdropping." He smiled at Riku sheepishly. "Sorry."

"You mean... you heard everything?" Riku asked disbelievingly, a light blush now coloring his pale cheeks too.

"It didn't really make sense back then," Roxas said quietly. "What you said about you not being able to tell us. And about Mr. Strife telling anybody what happened..." He trailed off, thinking about what the silver haired boy had said back then. What _they_ had said...

"Yeah, and what you said about us not wanting to be your friends if we knew," Sora added. He frowned down at Riku, then sat on the floor in front of the older boy, looking up at him. "I still don't understand that. Why wouldn't we? What happened to you was _horrible_, how could we leave you alone knowing what had happened? Friends don't do that."

"How can you _not_?" Riku retorted darkly, crossing his arms in front of his chest and averting his gaze. "Aren't you _disgusted_?"

"What? No!" Sora hopped up again, grabbing Riku's hand and holding it tightly with his own. "Why should I? Riku, nothing they did was your fault!"

Riku blushed again, staring at two small hands clutching his own amazed. But that didn't last long, soon enough he pulled his hand away again, not daring to look at the boy in front of him. "You don't know all of it," he murmured softly. "You don't know what else they did to me. You would never want to come near me again..."

"Did they... did they rape you too?" Roxas interrupted him, holding his breath as soon as the words left his mouth. There was something Riku had said, no, the _way_ he had said it while talking to Mr. Strife...

_We can't tell them._

_You will have to tell somebody someday. It will kill you if you keep it to yourself forever. _

_No, we don't have to! Did you? Did you tell anybody about it, Cloud?_

The _way _he had said it... as if... as if the same that had happened to Mr. Strife had happened to himself too...

Riku froze for a moment, and then looked at Roxas frowning, aquamarine orbs full of misery and pain.

"Only once," he whispered, his voice hoarse but steady. Sora gasped, clamping both hands over his mouth, and again Riku wasn't able to meet his gaze. His eyes stayed fixed on Roxas who shivered slightly.

How could anyone do this to their own _brother_? What kind of monster were these men?

"I-It wasn't even that bad, it was just... just punishment, because... I helped Cloud to escape," Riku explained quietly. "After... after I saw what Sephiroth was doing in the basement I... I got a knife from the kitchen and hid down there and waited until he was gone... Then I cut through the ties that held Cloud down. He... he didn't even recognize me at first. Kind of... kind of like Axel when he attacked you, when he tried to fight me. He only saw my hair and my eyes and that was almost enough to make him scream..." Riku sighed when a small whimper escaped Sora's lips, running a hand through his silvery hair. "I stole clothes for him from Yazoo's room, and then helped him sneak out of the house... When I came back and Sephiroth had found out that I had helped Cloud... he was furious. I already... expected something like this to happen. So... it wasn't that bad."

"What are you saying?" Sora cried out, again grabbing Riku's hand. "How... how can you _expect_ something like that? That's... that's terrible!"

"How old _were_ you?" Roxas asked terrified, not really sure if he wanted to know...

"Twelve," Riku answered shrugging. He winced when he heard Sora sob again, forcing himself to look at the brown haired twin. "Really, it wasn't that bad... It wasn't worse than the other things they had done before... And they never did it again."

"Why didn't you run away?" Sora whispered, still shaking like a leaf. "Why did you go _back_?"

"I had to protect Cloud," Riku answered darkly. "If I had gone with him they would have hunted us down. I stayed so they wouldn't look for him." He shrugged again, rubbing his arm with the other hand nervously. "And... I never knew anything else. They still were my _family_. I _had_ to stay. I know you don't understand that... Hell, sometimes I don't understand it myself! But... back then it seemed to be the only place to go." He sighed and remained silent for a minute before continuing. Now his voice sounded cold, devoid of all emotion. "When I helped Cloud escape, I didn't really know where to go... I couldn't bring him to his parents, Sephiroth would have found him then. And they would have never believed us anyway. But... there was this house in Hollow Bastion, a kind of... refuge for homeless children. It was founded by a well-known scholar only one year prior. Before that it had been a small orphanage, founded and led by a couple. Mr. and Mrs. Kramer they were called. They barely managed to keep the orphanage running, almost everything was missing, money, clothing for the kids, food... They were thinking of closing the orphanage when this man intervened, providing money, a new, bigger house and a foundation for the orphanage. He only made them change one thing: Not only orphans, but also children who had been abused or abandoned by their parents had to be taken in. The Kramers were overjoyed."

"I still wonder why he did that," Zexion mumbled. "That was a lot of money he spent on the Refuge."

"I once heard it was the last wish his wife made before she died," Riku answered thoughtfully. "She didn't want other children suffer the same fate as their own grandchildren."

Roxas froze, looking at his brother who stared back at him, eyes wide.

Hollow Bastion... famous scholar... wife died... abandoned grandchildren...

"What... what was his name?" Roxas whispered. No, it couldn't be...

"Ansem... Kenja I think. Why?" Riku raised his brows and looked from one twin to the other, not quite understanding why they were smiling so sadly.

Sora grabbed the crown pendant he was wearing, Roxas the four-pointed star that was attached to the zipper of his vest.

"He did it because of us..." Sora said sadly, still smiling. Zexion and Riku frowned at him confused.

"Ansem Kenja... he's our grandfather," Roxas explained quietly, sniffing a little. "Our mom's father. He isn't allowed to see us anymore... He always argued with our parents because of us. He thought our parents abandoned us." He looked at Sora again. "It must've been after grandma died."

Sora nodded silently. For a moment nobody dared to talk, until Riku sighed and then chuckled quietly.

"It sure is a small world, hu?" he said, then frowned again, fidgeting with the hem of his shirt nervously. "Uh... I... really hate to say that... but..."

"Considering this it was a good thing our parents left us alone all the time," Sora said, interrupting Riku who stared at him baffled. "Otherwise grandfather Ansem wouldn't have funded this Refuge. And you and Cloud wouldn't have had a place to go after... what happened..." His voice grew quieter and sadder as he spoke. He sighed, hiding his face in his hands.

Riku tried to say something, closed his mouth again and tried it once more.

"How do you _do_ that?" he asked perplexed. "That was what I wanted to say..."

Sora shrugged, not taking his hands away from his face.

"Riku," Zexion murmured, one cobalt eye fixed on the window at the other side of the room. "You should continue... Or do you want me to?"

Riku stared at him for a moment, then shook his head.

"It's alright... I... I'm fine," he said softly, now trying to reach out to Sora who still didn't look up. But he let his hand drop before he could touch the distressed boy sitting in front of his chair, looking even more miserable than before. Riku sighed, folding his arms in front of his chest again and closed his eyes for a second before continuing. "I... brought Cloud to this Refuge. There were so many children and teenagers... so many..." He sighed again. "There was this girl who trained to become a nurse and often helped out in the Refuge. She... patched Cloud up and gave him a room. Even though he was already twenty-one. The Kramers didn't mind at all, after... after I told them what had happened to him. They wanted to go to the police, but Cloud pleaded them not to... He was terrified of what could happen if they did. And then... then he stopped talking altogether. He didn't speak, not to me, not to the girl who nursed him, he just sat in his room and stared at a wall. I didn't want to see him like this... So I went home again, even though they wanted to hold me back."

Roxas tried to imagine his teacher being afraid of anything... and failed. It was a different person Riku was talking about. Mr. Strife was always so... confident, and calm and...

"Well... my brothers were furious and... punished me when I got home." Riku winced slightly when he said this. "They wanted to know where Cloud was, and I kept telling them I didn't know. They gave up after a while. I was left in my room, hurting all over, but... at least Cloud was safe. I kept telling myself it was worth it if Cloud was safe. After that... I visited him every day, at least every day I was allowed to go outside. And... during my visits in the Refuge I met Axel and Demyx."

"Why were they in the Refuge?" Roxas asked hesitantly. He suddenly realized he still didn't know anything about them... He didn't even know about their parents or...

"Axel is an orphan," Zexion replied dully. "He lost his parents in an accident when he was very young, and he was living in the orphanage even before your grandfather turned it into the Refuge. Demyx' parents... mistreated him. They met in middle school, and although Axel was one year older they became friends. Axel told Demyx about the Refuge... and Demyx went with him."

"You weren't in the same school?" Roxas asked somewhat surprised. Mostly surprised because he kept asking questions like this... But he couldn't help it, as horrible as this story was, he still was curious. Now that they _were_ telling them everything he also wanted to know _everything_.

"Me? Actually I was," Zexion answered shrugging. "I was in Demyx' class. But I told you, I was a loner. I didn't talk too much to them back then, actually I was rather irritated by Demyx' cheerful nature. It was a year after they met Riku, when Axel turned fourteen and started high school, that Demyx tried to get to know me."

"I attended another middle school," Riku spoke up. "Hollow Bastion is a huge city, there are many schools. But... I met them there, in the Refuge. During one of my visits. Some other children were trying to pick on me, because... I don't even know why anymore. I was kind of small for my age back then, I looked like ten rather than twelve... and I was so scared when they tried to grab me, I started to scream. Axel... he saved me. He scared them off by threatening them to set their hair on fire... he was weird like that even back then..." Riku smiled at the memory, a soft, real smile. "I was scared of him too at first... I mean, he was really a weird guy, and tall for his thirteen years and with crazy, red hair, but he was nice and funny, and... Demyx was there too, and he was so cheerful and... Well. They were nice to me. And they didn't try to touch me, which I really appreciated. I saw them every time I visited Cloud, and somehow they always managed to cheer me up... They accepted me, even though I was so scared and quiet all the time. Cloud didn't really get better... The girl who nursed him, Aerith..."

"Miss Gainsborough?" Roxas interrupted him surprised.

"Mhm," Riku confirmed, smiling slightly again. "She did her best, but he wouldn't talk again. I was so down every time I visited him, because sometimes he would get scared of me... I honestly don't know what Sephiroth did to him to terrify him like that. Sometimes he still flinches when he sees me." He sighed, then ran one hand through his hair and continued. "Anyway... one day I almost broke down crying, and Demyx found me, and somehow I ended up telling him... _almost_ everything. That was the first time I let someone other than Cloud hug me. And I showed him a bruise on my stomach that Kadaj had given me just the day before. He wasn't really surprised. That's when he told me his own father had hit him sometimes too, but that he had stopped when Demyx had joined the swim team in his school. You know, those bruises are pretty hard to hide when you're on the swim team. I thought it was a good idea... I would _never_ have been able to _tell_ anybody about my injuries, but if a teacher or my classmates _saw_ them... then maybe my brothers would get into trouble. Like Demyx' father did. And... Demy persuaded me to tell Axel too. When I did Axel was shocked at first, but then he offered to show me a few tricks to defend myself against my brothers. He had had a pretty hard life in the orphanage himself, so he knew how to fight. It was... it was very hard for me to let him come near me, but he was very careful, showed me how to fight properly. And he told me to do other courses than swimming too, something to help me train stamina and strength and speed. Which I did. That was why I joined a kendo course. I was pretty good at both too. And... it really helped me. My brothers were furious when I told them about joining the swim team, but this time I actually fought back. I surprised them with this, I think. It took both Loz and Yazoo to hold me down so Kadaj could beat me up 'properly'. They... refrained from hurting me physically after this."

Roxas did notice Riku stressed the word 'physically', but he didn't dare to ask about that.

"About a year later... Aerith told me she didn't think Cloud would get better if he stayed in Hollow Bastion," Riku continued, a strangely... forlorn look on his face. He tried to hug himself again, and this time he smiled weakly when Sora moved from his position on the floor to crawl on the broad armrest of the chair Riku was sitting in. Sora hugged him awkwardly, burying his face in Riku's silky hair without saying a word. "Aerith... told me about this guy she knew... He had been one of the first orphans the Kramers had taken in after founding the orphanage. He was supposed to be about Cloud's and Aerith' age, and he had moved to Destiny Islands a few years before. She said... that maybe Cloud would get better if he moved here." Riku closed his eyes for a second, resting his head against Sora's shoulder. "I was... devastated. Cloud... was really important to me, and to think... he wouldn't be there anymore was very frightening. But... eventually I gave in. I figured it would be best for him. And so Aerith wrote a letter to this guy, in which, she explained the situation, and Squall came over to pick him up..."

Roxas felt his mouth fall open in surprise.

"Mr... Leonhart?" Sora asked, obviously just as surprised. "I... didn't even know he was from Hollow Bastion..."

"Apparently he is. He moved when he was seventeen. I heard his father lived here." Riku shrugged. "I don't know too much about him. He's not exactly talkative around people other than Cloud."

"W-Wait!" Roxas said, now really confused. "Why was Mr. Leonhart in the orphanage when he had a father?"

"His father didn't know about him," Zexion explained calmly. "He and Leon's mother lived apart. But his mother died when he was born, and nobody knew where his father was, so..."

"But we really don't know much more about him," Riku added. "Like I said, he doesn't talk too much. But I think that was exactly what Cloud needed back then... Anyway... Cloud didn't want to go at first, he even threatened Squall... Leon when he saw him at first. It was the first time he had talked in months. Leon wasn't impressed. He told Cloud he was only doing this because Aerith had asked him to. Cloud said he didn't want to go. Leon said he didn't give a fuck. Cloud said he couldn't leave me alone. Leon said from what he had heard he believed I had been alone this whole last year. After that Cloud stayed silent. I never saw him that _lost_ again. And then he started to cry. He kept apologizing to me, to Aerith, to everybody for being so lost, so useless the whole year. And he agreed to go. Aerith tried to persuade me into going with them, but... I... was a _kid_ back then. Hollow Bastion was my _home_. And I really hoped... my brothers would give up after I started to fight back when they tried to hurt me... And... I didn't want to lose Axel and Demyx... They... were the best friends I could ever wish for... and... I..." He stopped, his voice wavering and full of misery when he added one sentence. "I wish I had left them... I wish... I had gone with Cloud, so my brothers would never have found them..." He clamped a hand over his mouth and squeezed his eyes shut, letting out a distressed sob. He didn't even resist when Sora hugged him tighter than before.

"It wasn't your fault, Riku," a new voice spoke up. Everybody whirled around to stare at Demyx, who was sitting at the bottom of the stairs, curled up and hugging his knees to his chest. His big, pretty eyes were glossy, and he was shaking like a leaf, but his voice was steady as he talked. "Sora is right. Nothing that happened was your fault."

Zexion jumped up instantly and rushed over to the mulleted boy, falling to his knees next to him. Concern was evident in his soft voice when he quietly asked, "How long have you been here, Demyx?"

Demyx avoided his eyes, looking to the side and rubbing his arms, obviously highly uncomfortable. He didn't say anything, just shook his head. Zexion closed his eyes, sighing deeply, a strangely defeated look sweeping over his features. But he just nodded and looked away too.

"I thought you fell asleep," he said, his voice once again collected and calm. "Don't you want to go upstairs again? I think this is too much for..."

Demyx silenced him by touching Zexion's lips with two fingers tenderly. He looked like he wanted to cry yet couldn't, blue-green orbs swimming in tears. He shook his head again, eyes pleading.

Zexion frowned at him, gently taking Demyx' hand and pulling it away from his face. "You sure?" he asked, a strange, pleading undertone in his voice urging Demyx to tell him 'no'. But Demyx nodded.

Before Zexion could stand up again though Demyx held him back, opening his mouth to say something, closing it again, no sound coming out. He tried again, grimacing when he failed to say anything again.

"What is it?" Zexion asked tenderly, smiling sadly at the once again mute boy. "Is it about earlier?"

Demyx nodded miserably, looking down at his hands. He touched his own lips, then pointed at Zexion, hand starting to shake badly, a soft sob escaping his lips, first tears starting to fall.

"I'm not mad at you, Demy," Zexion said smiling, leaning forward to kiss Demyx' cheek softly. "I know you were worried about Axel. You didn't mean to yell at me. I know. It doesn't count."

Sora and Riku watched them, both seeming rather confused. But Roxas understood the hidden meaning in Zexion's words. He couldn't help but remember the letter Demyx had made him read out to Zexion.

_I can't talk to you until I am able to tell you how much you mean to me._ Those had been his words... But... earlier, when he had confronted Roxas... he had... he had yelled at Zexion too, when the blue haired boy had tried to calm him down...

Roxas suddenly felt awful for upsetting Demyx like this. It was his fault. Again. Because of him the first words directed at Zexion by Demyx had been angry ones, not the words Zexion had wanted to hear, not the words Demyx wasn't yet able to say.

He looked away, out of the window next to the couch he was sitting on, watching small white clouds wandering over an otherwise perfect blue sky. And somehow he wondered why the sky was still looking so perfect, after all Riku had told them yet... Why wasn't it raining, why wasn't there a thunderstorm outside to match the gloomy atmosphere in this small living room?

"I think..." he heard Zexion say hesitantly, and he glanced at him from the corner of his eyes. Zexion and Demyx were both sitting in Zexion's chair now, Demyx curled up in Zexion's lap, his arms resting around the other boy's neck, his face buried in Zexion's hair. Even though Demyx was a bit taller than Zexion he looked smaller right now, fragile almost. He was still shaking, and Zexion was holding him tightly, gently playing with longer, dirty blond strands at the back of the mute boy's neck.

"I think," Zexion repeated, the calmness in his voice now obviously quite forced, "I should continue. You okay with that, Riku?"

The silver haired teen was still hugging Sora who was sitting on the armrest next to him, his head resting on Sora's shoulder. He was staring straight ahead, not really looking at anything in particular. He nodded slowly, like his mind was far, far away right now.

Zexion nodded too, taking a deep breath and blinking a few times before fixing his eyes on Demyx' head and starting to speak.

"We were... Ah, yes, Cloud moving to Destiny Islands. I... don't know everything that happened back then, as I wasn't yet... part of this small group," he began, his voice instantly taking on this melodious tone it usually did when he was reading one of his poems or essays out loud. The voice was pleasant to listen to. The words weren't. "It was mine and Demyx' last year in middle school, Axel had just started high school... And from what I heard Riku was being finally left alone back at his home. He still visited Demyx and Axel in the Refuge, still learned new tricks from Axel, still told Demyx about his brothers. Not all of it of course. But enough for Demyx to... be sad. I... mentioned earlier I was somewhat... annoyed by Demyx' endless cheerfulness. But... back then, when he stopped laughing, when his eyes lost this sparkle, I found myself wishing he would start to act like before. It was so wrong for him to act like this. He was always the cheerful one, he was always the one who made others smile. I didn't know what was wrong with him back then. One day I found myself standing in front of his desk, after a lesson... and I heard myself ask him what was wrong. I didn't even want to do it, I just... _did_. I didn't know _why_. And... Demyx looked up at me, smiling and eyes sparkling once again, and he told me he was okay. Just exhausted. And he laughed and said he liked my voice. And that I should talk more, preferably to him, because he wanted to hear it more often. After this he started to try to get me to talk to him. _Me_, one of the least popular students in our whole school... _Him_, the officially elected 'Cutest Guy', voted by nearly all of our female classmates... I didn't understand _why_. People like him never mix with people like me... or so I thought. It annoyed me endlessly. Sometimes I wished I had kept my mouth shut. But then I would see him smile..."

Demyx slowly looked up at him, a small smile on his lips, eyes wide. He looked somewhat surprised, but not unpleasantly so...

Zexion blushed slightly, but he smiled too as he continued. "No, it wasn't like _that_. We were _thirteen_, for God's sake. But... it was just _right_ for you to smile."

Demyx' smile widened, and he snuggled up closer to Zexion, resting his face in the crook of the other boy's neck. The faint blush on Zexion's face deepened a bit, but the smile didn't waver. He gently ran a hand through Demyx' hair before he spoke up again.

"I mostly chose to ignore Demyx' advances... well, I tried to ignore them, really. He wouldn't have it. He talked my ear off almost every day, and he was so delighted when I finally said something, even if it was only to tell him to leave me alone..."

Demyx chuckled softly at the memory.

"He _never_ left me alone. Until I finally gave in and... started to talk to him. We became friends, kind of, even though I still wasn't entirely comfortable around him. He knew that. He introduced me to Axel and Riku one day because of it... I think... he wanted them to act as a buffer between us..."

Demyx nodded still smiling, starting to draw strange patterns on Zexion's jacket with one finger. Zexion smiled at him, closing his eyes briefly before continuing.

"But... I wasn't very good at making friends. I didn't _want_ to make new friends. I think it was because of this negative attitude of mine that I made the mistake to underestimate them at first. I thought they were... I beg your pardon, Riku... jerks. I thought they were dumb and shallow bullies, like most boys from our school. I tended to categorize people by their looks a lot back then, and both of them didn't really strike me as people who were... well-educated. I acted... rather arrogantly towards them. I knew it was important for Demyx, but I didn't really want to get to know them... so I only greeted them and went away to sit down and continue to read this really demanding book I had started to read a day prior somewhere. I tried to, that is. Until Axel sat next to me, gave me a rather detailed summarization of the book, told me the author had probably been on crack when he wrote it because it was just _not_ realistic how he described the mental breakdown of this one main character, the author had never seen a real knife wound in his life and didn't describe the concussion one character suffered in the fourth chapter correctly, and that the interpretation by a famous literature critic at the end of this edition of the book was bullshit. And then he said he would break my arms and legs and leave me to be eaten by stray dogs if I dared to hurt Demy like that once again." Zexion smirked. "I hate to admit I was pretty dumbfounded. I had always been proud of my ability to come up with a witty comeback in every situation, but Axel somehow managed to silence me. He just didn't strike me the type to read such a difficult book, let alone _understand_ it. Well, I had never been more wrong."

Demyx chuckled again, and even Riku smirked at that. "He just loves to surprise people like that," the silver haired boy said quietly.

"He does, indeed," Zexion agreed. "Well, after this I started to hang out with them more often. I learned that Riku was in a discussion group in his school, and we often spent whole afternoons discussing the most sophisticated topics... Axel and Demyx made fun of us because of that sometimes."

"They said some of the complicated words and phrases we used should be illegal. Whatever that meant," Riku added.

"And Axel even helped me with this stupid science project I had to do for school," Zexion continued grinning. "I won a price for that. It was about the flame test used to detect metal ions in chemical compounds. We set up this strange experiment for it, different tiny fireplaces made out of toothpicks which were covered in solutions of different chemicals. And when set on fire they burned white or yellow or deep orange or red or purple, even green and blue and violet. It was really fun. And on top of that Axel showed me how to synthesize a substance called... wait... alkyl borate or something... which burned deep green when gasified and lighted. Oh dear. My teacher was speechless, as scientific classes were never my favorite ones..."

"Axel really likes fire, doesn't he?" Sora asked smiling, finally releasing Riku to sit more comfortable on the armrest. His arm still rested around Riku's shoulders though.

Somehow Roxas felt left out.

"He's _obsessed_," Riku corrected Sora, but he was smiling too as he said it. "He knows everything about it. He may act like a dork sometimes, but he's actually quite intelligent. He just hides it most of the time."

"He hides a lot of things," Demyx spoke up absentmindedly, playing with a strand of Zexion's silky hair. "Now even more than back then."

Smiles vanished from everybody's faces, confused or sad looks replacing them.

"What do you mean by that?" Roxas asked, biting his lip nervously when Demyx looked at him, big blue-green eyes full of sadness. But Demyx didn't say anything, just smiled a strange, melancholic, _knowing_ smile.

"Axel... likes to keep his feelings to himself," Zexion answered instead, frowning deeply. "He may act extroverted and open most of the time, but... it's always hard to tell what he _really_ thinks or feels. He... _hides_ behind this carefree, confident facade."

_Oh yes, he does..._

Roxas agreed whole-heartedly to this... How could he read the signs so _wrong_ to actually think Axel liked him _this way_? And how could he _not_ notice the signs of abuse, like that time after he had nearly kissed the redhead... He could still see the fear in those bright green eyes, could hear the slight tremor in his voice...

_No, it's not true... I'm not... Please, stop saying that..._

The only times when he had been able to tell what the redhead was _really_ feeling seemed to be those when Axel was close to breaking down... Most of the time it was _impossible_ to tell.

"What happened to him?" he whispered into the suffocating silence, suddenly feeling cold. The way they were describing him, so fearless and strong... Most of the time he was _still_ acting like this, defending his friends, especially Demyx, trying to appear carefree and confident. But then there were days when he wasn't able to laugh, when the smallest touch seemed to terrify him, even if he tried to hide it... and then Roxas could see his confident and strong appearance was only that: _Acting_. What could've happened to terrify him of simple words, of being touched in a particular way? "What happened to _all_ of you?"

"_They_ happened," Demyx said, then fell silent again.

"Well... as I said before..." Zexion spoke up again, petting Demyx' shoulder softly. "We spent most of our free time together. Riku often said we were closer being his brothers than _they_ could ever be. Axel was the oldest, he always looked out for us... always took the blame when we had done something stupid, always defended Demyx and me when older kids picked on us. He was like an older brother. Always protecting us. It was like having a _family_. A family neither of us ever had..."

"What about your parents?" Sora asked timidly, adding a nervous "Sorry!" when Zexion's expression darkened quickly.

"No, it's alright..." Zexion sighed and ran a hand through his hair, careful not to show the blind eye. "I guess I was the luckiest one out of us... Axel lost his parents when he was four, Demyx' father abused him and his mother, Riku... well. You know about his brothers now. My parents just didn't care about me." He shrugged. "I wasn't exactly planned. My mother was a fairly successful business woman, and she wasn't too pleased about the pregnancy. After I was born she left me at home with a nanny. I barely even saw her or my father, they were always working. When I was nine they presented me my first own apartment, close to my school. I only saw them on the weekends, when they invited me for dinner... but I stopped meeting them at all a few years later. They just called every now and then to make sure I was alright. And they sent me money, of course. I still call them from time to time."

It reminded Roxas so strongly of his own parents it made him shiver. And he knew Sora was thinking the same by the sudden change in his twin's expression.

"When all of us finally attended high school Riku decided to go to the same one as the rest of us," Zexion explained. "I think that was the point when his brother finally noticed... _us_." He sighed deeply, staring at the floor for a while. When he continued his voice sounded oddly... strained. "During our sophomore year... Axel was already a junior... he and Demyx got together. They had always been close... It was... bound to happen someday, I think."

Demyx sighed softly at this, hugging Zexion tighter. But this time Zexion looked away, frowning a little. Demyx looked at him sadly, never taking his eyes off him as the blue haired boy continued to speak, big, blue-green orbs appearing slightly glossy once again.

"During this time... I distanced myself from them again. Right after I found out, that I... started to _like_ Demyx more than before. It was... very hard to watch them. I rejected their offers to hang out more often now, because every time Axel kissed Demyx I wanted to... to... I don't know. Scream or cry or hurt them. I chose to stay away from them for a while, and I hoped those feelings would... go away again. They didn't." Zexion sighed, smiling at Demyx sadly. Demyx was blinking rapidly now, trying to prevent tears from falling. "It wasn't your fault, Demyx. You didn't know it."

"I should have..." Demyx whispered, surprising everybody in the room. Zexion flinched and gaped at him, obviously taken aback by hearing the soft voice. "I should have known. I should have seen it," Demyx added, no longer able to hold back the tears. He barely suppressed a sob, hugging Zexion tightly and kissing him, leaving the other occupants of the room stunned.

Zexion's one visible eye widened impossibly, a deep red blush covering his face quickly. He didn't react at all to Demyx' short, sweet kiss, only stared at the other boy astonished. His slender fingers dug deeply into the armrests of the chair they were sitting in, knuckles turning white due to the tight grip on the soft material. Demyx' hands came to rest on Zexion's burning cheeks, softly combing through silky, dark hair hiding most of Zexion's face. The kiss itself was short, but Demyx broke it only reluctantly, quickly brushing his lips over Zexion's once more before pulling away, resting his forehead against Zexion's, gazing at the blushing boy with half-closed eyes.

"I'm sorry, Zexion," he said clearly, his melodic voice full of so many different emotions. "I'm sorry for hurting you so much over the past years. I'm sorry for being so... slow. I'm sorry... for taking so long to finally figure out..." He paused for a moment, closing his eyes briefly and kissing Zexion once more before trying to speak again. He failed at the first try, opening and closing his mouth uselessly for a few times and taking a deep breath. Finally, when he managed to look at Zexion again and whispered four words barely loud enough to be heard, a light blush rose into his cheeks as well. "I love you, Zexion."

Zexion blinked, repeating this sweet, quite surprising confession tonelessly, mouthing the words over and over again, obviously not really grasping their meaning yet.

"I love you," Demyx repeated a little bit louder, brushing back dark blue-gray hair, careful not to show the scar and the blind eye though. He kissed Zexion's cheek softly, smiling and wiping tears from his own eyes. "I'm sorry it took me so long... I'm sorry, please, forgive me..."

"W-What?" Zexion finally forced out, still gripping the armrests tightly, licking his lips and trying to say more but failing. He seemed to search for something to say desperately, lips moving but not yet capable of forming the right words.

Demyx struggled to say something too, opened his mouth and closed it again, staring at Zexion somewhat dejectedly.

The blond boy finally resigned, sighing deeply and pulling his hands away from Zexion's still flushed face. He was stopped by shaking hands closing around his however, smiling hopefully at Zexion who was still staring at him.

"What are you _talking_ about, Demyx?" Zexion whispered hoarsely, lifting Demyx' hands to touch them with his lips fleetingly, causing Demyx to blush a bit more. "There is absolutely _nothing_ you have to be sorry about! _Nothing_, you hear?" Zexion let go of one of Demyx' hands, carefully caressing a flushed cheek with his fingertips, a smile spreading over his face slowly. "You... you really... Do you really _mean_..."

Demyx didn't answer, just nodded, but he smiled too. He bit his lip nervously, fidgeting with his hands and sighing again.

"We... we should talk later..." he forced out, his beautiful voice wavering and sounding unsure now. "Roxas... still needs to hear the rest of it. Please?"

Zexion blinked, then nodded, the happy smile slowly vanishing from his face.

"You... you are right, Demy," he said quietly, again carefully touching Demyx' face and smiling slightly, then closing his eyes and taking a deep breath. Demyx slowly leaned against him, again snuggling up to him and closing his own eyes, smiling when Zexion ran a hand through his hair.

"Ehm..." Sora didn't really seem to be too eager to bother them, and he blushed a bit when Zexion looked at him strangely. "We... eh... You don't have to tell us everything _now_, you know. We... could continue some other time. Right, Roxy?"

It took Roxas a few moments to overcome the surprise and jealousy that had built up within him while watching the two boys kissing. It was horrible not to be able to be happy for them, now that Demyx finally had overcome his fear and finally told Zexion what he was feeling... But even though he really wanted to be happy for them, somehow he _couldn't_. But he nodded anyway, faking a smile for them.

"Of course..." he began, but stopped when Zexion shook his head.

"No," the blue haired one said frowning, slowly regaining his composure. "Demyx is right, you need to hear all of it. _Axel_ needs you to know all of it."

Roxas wanted to ask why, but Zexion silenced him with a stern look.

"As I said before," Zexion continued, "When they got together I distanced myself from them. But... even though I rarely talked to them anymore Riku and Demyx came to me three months later... and asked me if I knew where Axel was. I thought this question was really strange, because me and Axel hadn't been _this_ close... It struck me as odd they asked _me_ when not even Demyx knew where he was. That was when they told me Axel was missing." He sighed and let his gaze drop to the ground. "He was missing a week already when they asked me. Of course nobody else cared. So what if an orphan who'd been in trouble as often as him had run away? Even the Kramers thought he had just run away. Demyx was devastated. He knew Axel wouldn't have done something rash like run away from the Refuge without telling him anything. He knew something bad had happened... So we started searching for him. We didn't find _anything_, not even a letter or something else he would have left, anything that indicated his intentions to run away. And about a month later... Demyx disappeared too."

Demyx squeezed his eyes shut, hugging Zexion tighter. Roxas could see the mulleted boy shaking slightly.

"Riku and me searched everywhere for them, but still found nothing. Again, no one else cared. Not even Demyx' parents. They thought he had run away too... We didn't believe that. And I noticed Riku was getting quieter every day that passed."

"Because I suspected something, deep down," Riku added darkly. "But I didn't want to even _think_ about it..."

"Two months later, when school started again, there still was no trace of them," Zexion said quietly. "Axel was missing more than three months now, Demyx about two... And we thought about giving up. Riku started to distance himself from me, and he was seen alone more and more these days... brooding even more than before, now that Demyx wasn't there to cheer him up anymore. And then... one day I noticed a stranger who looked very similar to Riku lurking around in the street where my apartment was located. Of course I knew about Riku's brothers, but... when he started to talk to me some day I... didn't run away immediately. That was a mistake." Zexion paused for a moment, again running a hand through Demyx' hair and looking down at the now sickly pale boy sadly. "He... seemed to be nice. He asked me if I knew someone called Riku Masaki. I told him to leave me alone rather rudely, but he just laughed, saying something about Riku choosing very interesting friends... That is the last thing I remember. I was knocked down from behind, and when I woke up someone carried me into a room... My hands were tied, my head hurt, and I was feeling sick, and I was rather dazed by the blow, but... I saw a body laying there, someone with bright red hair, and... I knew it was Axel, even though I couldn't see his face properly at first, as my vision was still... blurry. But no one else has hair like his."

Roxas noticed he had held his breath for a fairly long time now, and he sucked in fresh air, causing Zexion to look at him.

"I wasn't even sure if he was alive," Zexion said, staring at Roxas. "He was just lying there, on the floor, his clothes torn and... and bloody, his eyes open... his eyes... were the worst thing to look at. The... the bruises and... and the cuts and bloodstains were _horrible_, but his _eyes_... they were _dead_."

"Like a doll's..." Roxas whispered, shivering involuntarily when he thought back... emerald eyes, dull and glassy, lifeless, broken...

Zexion, Demyx and Riku looked at him strangely.

"You saw it too, didn't you?" Demyx asked quietly, slowly lifting a hand to reach over the small table to grasp Roxas' hand gently. His hand was cold, but the touch was soothing nonetheless. "When he had the flashback. You _saw_ it."

Roxas nodded, feeling tears welling up in his eyes. He held them back stubbornly. "What happened?" he asked, cursing his stupid voice for breaking at the end. Demyx looked back at Zexion, letting go of Roxas' hand slowly and gesturing with both hands, probably out of habit. Zexion seemed not too happy, whether because of Demyx refusing to speak again or because of what the mulleted boy was gesturing, Roxas couldn't tell. But he nodded eventually, and Demyx rose, stepping around the table to sit next to Roxas on the couch. Roxas didn't even look up when Demyx laid an arm around his shoulders, holding him tight as he continued to talk, his beautiful voice calm despite the things he told them.

"The man who spoke to Zexion was Kadaj. He... was the one who spied on Riku. He was the one who suspected there was a reason for Riku to be... happier than he _deserved_ to be in his brothers' opinion," Demyx said. "Kadaj followed Riku, tried to find out the reason why his hated little brother wasn't as miserable as he wanted him to be. When he found out about us... he got his brother Loz to help him and kidnapped Axel, then me, then Zexion. When they... brought me to their home, Axel... was already..." Demyx paused to find the right words for a moment. "He... he was still fighting them, still... tried to escape, but... he was different. He was scared, _terrified_, I could... see it in his eyes. When they threw me in that room with him, he... he cried, pleaded them to let me go again. It scared me more than anything, to see him cry... I had _never_ seen him like this before. Axel... He _never_ cried. He always, _always_ tried to be strong for us, always tried to hide his own feelings, just so _we_ would feel better. Kadaj, he... only smiled at Axel, grabbed his hair and said, 'I knew you would be even more beautiful when you cried.' And then he said he would find more ways to make him cry, and then he walked away and left us in that room... Axel didn't come near me the whole night, and it was the first time I saw this... resigned, broken look in his eyes. I... I tried to talk to him, tried to touch him, but he just turned away from me, didn't say a thing. The n-next day they... they..." Demyx paused again, and now Roxas could feel him shivering slightly. He didn't want to hear it, he didn't...

"They came back when it was still dark outside, all four of them. Sephiroth didn't do anything though, he just watched as his brothers... a-as they r-raped me," Demyx said, only a slight tremor in his melodic voice. "O-One of them had h-his way with me while the others h-held Axel back. I-It was terrible, and it hurt s-so much... Axel w-was trying t-to break free, he didn't even stop when they started hitting him, h-he... h-he yelled and screamed and cried and told them t-to take h-him instead, t-to leave me alone..."

_No! Don't hurt Demyx... Take me instead..._

Roxas couldn't hold back the tears anymore, and he started to cry, letting Demyx hold him while the other boy continued to talk.

"They were _sick_! They let him _watch_ the... whole time... and Kadaj kept telling him how beautiful he was when he was despaired like this... Kadaj, he... he _always_ told Axel he was beautiful. And then they dragged him away, and when they brought him back he couldn't move properly, because they had hurt him so much... But he crawled over to me anyway, hugged me and cried again, tried to... to comfort me, even though he was in an even _worse_ condition than I was. I didn't want him to touch me at first, because... because I felt so filthy, but... he made it better somehow."

Roxas didn't want to hear more, but Demyx didn't let him go. It was so _horrible_...

"It was like this almost every day... sometimes they would let the other watch while they were hurting one of us, sometimes they didn't. They were always careful to tend our wounds properly, the injuries they caused never left scars, because they said it would spoil their 'fun' if our bodies showed scars all over. Kadaj 'liked' Axel the most, he always told him how beautiful he was, until Axel was terrified of being called beautiful... every time he heard it, he knew he would be hurt afterwards."

_Stop saying that... Please... I'm not, I'm not, I'm not..._

Roxas clamped his hands over his mouth to muffle a sob, leaning on Demyx heavily, his tears slowly soaking the other boy's shirt. Demyx patted his back softly, but he didn't stop talking, not even when Roxas asked him to, his voice breaking...

"I... was Loz' favorite, he loved to hear me scream... after two months of this torture I wasn't able to speak anymore. Around this time, when I stopped speaking, they kidnapped Zexion too. They brought him in... right after Yazoo was done with Axel, Axel still... still... I don't know how to describe it. He... was so apathetic every time they brought him back. Sometimes I... had to check if he was still breathing, to make sure they hadn't _killed_ him... It took him longer and longer to recover; sometimes it took him _hours_... He just lay there, motionlessly, staring straight ahead, not responding. They were so much harder on him than on me, but still... every time they came to get me he pleaded them to leave me alone and take him with them instead, even though the mere thought of being near them terrified him. Despite his fear he still tried to protect me... And Zexion too, when they brought him in... They really often took him instead of us, and I don't even want to imagine what they did to him... to break him like this..." He paused for a moment.

"W-Wait..." Roxas shook his head, trying to think although he started to feel slightly dizzy. "You... Zexion, you said... I thought you said it didn't happen to you..."

"I said that?" Zexion arched a brow at him, then nodded. "Oh, that... No, I never said it _didn't_ happen to me. I said Demyx was with me more often than with Axel because of what happened to _them_. Do you mean that?"

Roxas nodded, still having a hard time to think properly.

"They were held captive for much longer than me," Zexion explained. "I had to suffer this torture for two months, and when I was kidnapped and brought to them they were already..." He sighed deeply. "Before all this happened they had been together, you know that. But when I saw them again they weren't even able to touch each other anymore. And... somehow I suspect Riku's brothers always were more cruel to them than to me. I don't know why."

"I think... I think Axel was worst, because Kadaj favored him, and Kadaj was the most insane of them all..." Demyx agreed shakily, tears in his blue-green eyes. "When... when they brought Zexion in, Axel... t-told him to look after me, because... because he couldn't do it anymore... He said he was too... too... filthy... and he didn't want to touch me anymore..." Demyx sniffed quietly. "It was because... because... I don't know. We both felt so... dirty after all they did to us. So _tainted_. We didn't want to see each other like this, and... when they let us watch as they... raped the other one... It was so horrible, but... we couldn't even _look_ at each other anymore after this..."

"I'm sorry," Roxas whispered. "It's okay, I understand, you don't have to explain..."

Demyx nodded, then took a deep breath to calm himself down. "Axel... he told Zexion to look after me. And Zexion did. Axel was so grateful for that, for... someone who could care for me. He... he tried to protect us, I think... I think because he saw..." He sighed again. "He saw... that... something... happened between us two. That I... developed feelings for Zexion. Axel even t-tried to satisfy all _their_ sick f-f-fantasies, just so t-they would leave _us_ alone..."

"It was useless, but he still tried to... to... satisfy them. But... all of them had their favorite. Apart from Sephiroth, _he_ always thought about Cloud. But Kadaj loved to torture Axel, Loz loved to hear Demyx scream... And Yazoo always came to _me_," Zexion said, his voice wavering, almost breaking. "That sick bastard was fascinated by my _eyes_..."

"He was..." Demyx agreed, his boyish voice slightly higher than before. "And... Zexion tried to fight them even more than Axel sometimes. I stopped fighting after the first few days, Axel... it took them longer to break him, but he too stopped resisting sometime later, when he realized the room we were held captive in was completely escape-proof. Both of us... we gave up. We couldn't escape from this room, we knew that... we had tried _everything_. Zexion... he didn't give up. He... he tried to comfort me and Axel every time they brought us back, and he tried... tried to get me to talk again, but I _couldn't_. He always thought about escaping from there, asked Axel about everything he had seen when they brought him upstairs... And... he managed to hurt one of them once. With... a knife they were using to... to cut him. He managed to wrench it away from Yazoo and... and cut his face. It wasn't even a deep cut or anything, but..."

"It was enough to make him try to cut out my eye," Zexion said. Sora gasped and stared at him wide-eyed.

"H-He... _what_?" he whispered terrified, sucking in air through his teeth when Zexion hesitatingly pushed back his long bangs.

Roxas too stared at the scar again, shuddering when he thought about how horrible it had to have looked when the wound was fresh... The blind, purely white orb alone was frightening enough, the scar surrounding the eye was... was...

"He was fascinated by the color of my eyes," Zexion explained eerily calm. "He thought they were beautiful, and he wanted to see this color all the time... I often tried to close my eyes because of that when he... when he did those things to me. He didn't like that. And when I cut him, he... he took the knife from me and... tried to cut it out of my face. He said he wanted to have it so he could look at it all the time... Sick bastard... Of course he destroyed it in the process." He took a shuddering breath, letting go of the long strands, dark hair instantly falling into his face again. But this time it didn't hide the blind eye entirely, and Roxas could still see white flashing through dark blue-gray strands. "I passed out because of the pain... and later I woke up and couldn't see anymore. It hurt like hell, even though they gave me painkillers, and they also had cleaned the wound, stopped the bleeding and... and... I don't know. Somehow they had kept me alive. It wasn't infected or anything, it healed... pretty good actually. I don't know if that was just luck, or if I owe my life Sephiroth' profound knowledge about medicine... I don't care, to tell the truth. At least... at least they forbade Yazoo to come near us again."

"And... three weeks later I f-found..." Riku stopped himself before he could say it, looking as if he was going to be sick, paler than ever. "I... I found... strands of Zexion's hair... in Yazoo's room... and... that was when... when I... realized... my brothers..." He paused again, squeezing his eyes shut. Sora stared at him, almost as pale as the silver haired boy, and Roxas... felt sick somehow. "They... caught me, and only laughed at me. They brought me down, to the room... I saw... what they had done to my friends, and... and... Oh, _God_..." Riku stopped, fisting both hands in his long hair. "I... I looked _everywhere_ for them, I never stopped searching, and this whole time they... they were so _near_! It was... it was like years before, like back when Cloud was missing. I should have _known_!"

"No, it wasn't your fault, Riku," Zexion said. "They planned everything carefully. They prepared the room to be sound-proof, and they only came to us when you were out... They even took turns on spying on you so they would be warned when you'd come home... There was _nothing_ you could have done. Nothing."

"They... they told Riku all this was his fault," Demyx explained to the shocked twins who stared at him speechlessly, Roxas still crying a little. "They... they told him they would've never hurt us if it wasn't for him. They told him... they told him it would have been better if he had died with their mother, then they wouldn't have had a reason to hurt us..."

"Axel jumped up and knocked Kadaj down then, rather unexpectedly," Zexion continued. "He yelled at them, tried to fight them all on his own, spat at them they _never_ had a reason to do this... He even managed to hold Loz back all on his own, and he screamed at Riku to run away... Riku really managed to escape in the ensuing chaos."

"Sephiroth followed Riku, the others beat up Axel for helping Riku escape," Demyx said. "They beat him up pretty bad. I tried to help him, but Kadaj knocked me out... and Zexion was still too weak."

"We thought they had killed him... He had trouble breathing afterwards, they must've broken a few of his ribs... he was unconscious the whole night." Zexion sighed and rubbed his temple, brushing back his hair again. "At least we learned Riku had been able to escape."

"I... I was able to shake Sephiroth off in the darker parts of Hollow Bastion, where we used to play... I didn't stop running until I found a police station, tried to get them to help... But... those damned bastards didn't do anything! They said they couldn't search for the boys unless they were reported missing, which they fucking _were_, and then they said they had to wait until the next day to get a judge to give them a warrant... _Bullshit_! The police in Hollow Bastion... Nothing but assholes who wouldn't do as much as lifting a finger to help someone..." Riku kicked the table in front of him angrily, water glasses falling down onto the carpet. "So I... called the only person I could think of... I called Cloud, telling him what had happened, completely hysteric. He told me to calm down and wait for him... and only three hours later he was there, Leon and Aerith with him. They had taken Leon's father's boat to get to the main land, and Aerith' uncle had lent them a van, and Leon must've driven like a maniac to get there this fast... We... we drove to our house, and..."

"They set the house on fire," Zexion continued when Riku didn't say more. "We were still in that room in the basement, Axel was still unconscious, and... then we smelled smoke and... well... we couldn't really hear anything. And we knew nobody would hear us..."

"It was Cloud's idea to set the house on fire, to surprise my brothers," Riku explained. "It worked, too... Leon and Cloud went in, and I followed them. They took my brothers by surprise... Only three of them though. Sephiroth was nowhere to be found. Still, Kadaj, Loz and Yazoo were knocked out by them, and I showed them where they held my friends captive... Cloud opened the lock somehow, I couldn't really see anything because of the smoke everywhere... They rushed in, Leon carried Axel, Cloud helped Zexion, and I led Demyx upstairs... But my brothers were gone. Sephiroth must've found them... Anyway, we were out, and Aerith brought us to... a hospital at first. They tended their wounds, especially Axel's ribs and Zexion's eye, gave him this... glass... thing..."

"Later... Aerith brought us to an isolated mansion which belonged to another relative of hers, outside the city, while Cloud tried to find out where Sephiroth and the others were," Demyx said. "He couldn't find them, but at least the police believed him now, after they had seen us... They searched the whole city for them, but couldn't find them. We... stayed in the mansion, tried to... to... heal..." He sighed. "All of us dreamed about everything that had happened even weeks later... Axel was feeling worst, but he refused to admit it. He had... the most vivid dreams. Often we would hear him scream in his sleep... and sometimes he had... flashbacks. That's what Aerith called them. He... saw, heard, _felt_ what happened all over again, without a chance to stop it. Then he would hear Kadaj telling him he was beautiful again, would feel... what they did. When someone touched him he would think it was _them_ and start to fight them. Like... like he did when you kissed him, Roxas." He looked at Roxas who averted his gaze, trying desperately not to break out in tears.

What had he _done_? Axel had started to get better, to recover from those horrible experiences, and he had... had... reminded him of all this pain, all this... And all because of his damned, selfish needs, because he had been too blinded by Axel's... beauty to actually see that something was _horribly_ wrong with him...

"The memories were triggered by... wrong words at first... or wrong touches," Demyx explained. "The mentioning of his real name, because Kadaj always called him that. Some days... some days we had to keep him away from Riku, because every time he saw him he would only see Riku's brothers and start to scream until his voice failed him... But... he never admitted how bad his condition was. Most of the time he acted as if everything was okay, so we wouldn't worry about him. He didn't even talk to Aerith, like the rest of us. He always... always put _our_ well-being above his own. He was the big brother again, looking out for all of us... and forgetting himself in the process. Of course we were still worried. But... he seemed to get better. The dreams weren't as bad anymore. The flashbacks were happening less and less, until they stopped... It was... good. For a while."

"Yes, all of us were healing," Zexion agreed. "Not only physically, but also mentally... Cloud was helping us a lot too. But he decided it wouldn't be helpful... if we stayed in the city where... where all this happened, so... he sent Leon back here, to prepare everything... He found this house for us, signed us up for this school where he and Cloud and Aerith were already working... He was very helpful too, although he hardly ever talked to us..."

"That's why Mr. Strife and Miss Gainsborough were missing so long last year..." Sora whispered.

"But... but Mr. Leonhart didn't act like he already knew you when you joined us for the first time," Roxas said, thinking back. "He... he called Axel 'Akuseru', and..."

"Yes, he didn't know how much Axel hates that name," Demyx agreed smiling. "But it wasn't his fault. He knew Axel from the past, when both of them were in the orphanage. Back then Axel was still 'Akuseru'. But... he didn't really like that name, so he let himself be called Axel all the time... and later... Kadaj called him 'Akuseru'." The smile grew sadder. "Since Leon came back immediately to prepare everything for us he didn't really have the chance to talk to us. But... do you really think he didn't act a bit... nicer than usual towards us?" Demyx winked. "He even refrained from wearing leather on our first day, because that was something Riku's brothers always did..."

Now that Roxas thought about it... Mr. Leonhart had acted really weird on this first day... _awfully_ forgiving...

"He and Cloud said they didn't want to treat us differently in school," Zexion explained. "To help us adapt to our new surroundings more quickly."

He fell silent again, and for a while nobody dared to break the silence again. But this time the silence was not as burdensome as before... Now that the secret was out, it was... easier.

"Why... why didn't you tell us earlier?" Sora asked after a while, nervously playing with his pendant. "If... if we had known..."

"But we didn't _want_ you to know yet," Zexion interrupted him gently. "Sora, it was barely five weeks ago that we met each other for the first time. It was simply too soon to tell you something like this, even though you were really nice to us." He smirked playfully at Riku. "And some of us thought you would think less of us if you knew about it."

Riku blushed and looked down at his hands.

"How could we?" Sora asked, gently grasping one of the silver haired boy's hands. Riku blinked surprised, causing Sora to chuckle lightly. "Like I said before, friends don't do that. How could we just... leave you alone now?" He looked at his twin. "We don't think less of you, right, Roxy?"

"No... Of course not," Roxas replied, cursing his voice for sounding so weak. "I just... wished I had known before..."

"It really wasn't your fault, Roxas," Demyx said, finally letting go of his shoulders. He folded his hands in his lap, sighing deeply. "It wasn't only Riku who didn't want you two to know. Axel didn't want us to tell _you_ especially, you know?"

Roxas' head jerked up, his blue eyes locking with big, blue-green ones.

"Why?" he breathed, needing to hear the answer and fearing it at the same time. Demyx smiled.

"Isn't it obvious?" he asked gently.

No, it wasn't! And Roxas needed to hear the reason, he was _so_ close to grabbing the mulleted boy and _force_ an answer out of him...

... and froze when he heard the front door open and close again, and a voice he recognized all too well...

"Hey guys, I'm back..." Axel called out from the hallway. Something was dropped to the floor, sounding like a bag or something.

The other boys' faces fell, as if they hadn't expected the redhead to show up yet.

"Hey, Zex, I didn't get the book you wanted, but I found another one you might like..." Axel said as he was entering the room, looking at a book in his hand. When he looked up he froze, his bright eyes widening when his gaze fell on Sora who was still holding Riku's hand, slowly wandering over Zexion, Demyx...

Roxas wanted to cry when those beautiful eyes finally rested on him, boring into his soul and shattering his heart into thousand pieces, emerald orbs filling with confusion, anger and sadness almost instantly.

"What... the _fuck_?" Axel spat, taking a step back as if Roxas had tried to hit him, dropping the book and raising his arms a bit. His eyes narrowed again, flashing dangerously. "What is _he_ doing here?"

Now Roxas could really feel tears trickling down his cheeks, and he sniffed quietly, causing Axel to look at him again.

What had he _done_? Of course Axel had to hate him now, after all he had done wrong, after all he had _said_...

There were tears in Axel's eyes too, and the frown on his face softened a bit when he looked at Roxas, but he still looked angry. And when he saw the guilty faces of his friends, anger turned into horror, and he took another step back.

"You... you told him?" he gasped, clutching his own throat as if he couldn't breathe properly anymore. "You... you fucking told... you _told_ him?"

"Axel, we thought..." Demyx tried to say, but Axel didn't want to listen.

"I didn't want him to know!" he yelled furiously, his pale face flushed from anger now. A lone tear trailed down his cheek, soon followed by more. It broke Roxas heart even more, shattering every single piece into thousand more. It hurt so _bad_... he didn't want Axel to be sad, or angry... "Fuck! How could you? I didn't _want_ him to know! Not _him_!"

"Axel..." Riku said, but the redhead didn't listen to him as well.

"_No_! How _could_ you? Fuck!" Axel sobbed, closing his tear-filled eyes, causing more of the tears to fall. He whirled around and ran away, not even listening to his friends crying out his name.

Roxas wanted to die. He started to cry, his body being racked by heavy sobs, collapsing into his brother's arms when Sora rushed over to him to embrace him.

What had he _done_?

* * *

Tears dried again, and Roxas soon chose to leave. Demyx and Sora tried to comfort him, but nothing they could say would probably help him now. He just wanted to be alone. After all he had learned today, after this horrible story about what had happened to them... After Axel had looked at him like that, beautiful emerald eyes full of sadness, confusion, pain and hatred...

_What is _he _doing here?_

_I didn't _want _him to know! Not _him_!_

The way his voice had sounded higher than normal, the way it almost broke at the end, the way he had looked at Roxas, so... hurt, and angry... His angry words echoed in Roxas' head, until he couldn't bear it anymore.

Roxas wanted to go home. He wanted to go to his room, lock himself in and never, ever come out again... His head hurt from crying so much, but not as much as his heart hurt. The physical pain wasn't even that bad, but the way his soul cried out for a certain redhead, the way his mind and heart yearned for the beautiful boy to forgive him, the way guilt was slowly killing him... Never had he felt _this_ horrible. Never. Not even when he had hurt his beloved brother...

"Idiot..." he whispered to himself, wiping his burning eyes with one hand. He could already see his house in the distance. People were looking at him strangely, but he couldn't care about that. There was no room inside of him left to care about anything else but Axel, the breathtaking, gorgeous redhead who had stolen his heart without even knowing it, who _hated_ him now... "Idiot!" he sobbed again, a little bit louder, gasping for air loudly. His eyes already felt sore, his cheeks were raw and red from crying. He wanted to go _home_...

He arrived at the gate, and this time it took him three tries to type in the right code. He walked in, heading for the front door... but suddenly he didn't want to go inside. He didn't want to go into the living room, where he had tried to kiss Axel for the first time, he didn't want to be in any of the other rooms where he had been with his 'test subjects', and he didn't want to go to _his_ room, where he had always been alone... He didn't want to be inside, he only had to look at the house to feel like the walls were suffocating him...

He needed to _breathe_. He needed... he needed...

He needed _Axel_...

He needed the redhead to tell him everything was okay. He needed him to laugh and smirk and tease him, tousle his hair and call him 'Sunshine', like he had done before...

... before Roxas had fucked _everything _up.

He fell to his knees, one hand still on the knob of the door, legs no longer being able to support his weight. He felt dizzy, numb, everything felt so _unreal_... Slowly his hand slid from the knob, fell to the floor. He was sitting at the doorstep for a moment, staring straight ahead, but not _seeing_... listening to the gentle rustling of the palm trees, but not _hearing_...

Thousands of confused, hurt, guilty thoughts were filling his head, but he couldn't _think_. He gasped for air, but couldn't _breathe_. His heart, his soul was crying out and he cried out with it, a pained, drawn-out sound coming from his dry lips, tearing his throat apart, his burning eyes closing tightly, hands fisted in his golden hair. He cried and screamed and sobbed until his throat hurt so badly that it felt like it bled, until fresh, warm tears leaked from his closed eyes, until his head throbbed from the pain.

He took deep, painful breaths, trying to calm himself down, but he heard those words again and again, saw those eyes, remembered what he had done, what he had said, how much he had hurt Axel, and he wanted to scream again.

He pulled himself up again, grabbing the railing behind him and held onto it until he trusted his legs enough to carry him again. He turned and walked to the side of the house, to the flower garden, past his stone table, past his mother's beloved white roses, grabbing the gate that led down to the beach...

... froze and had to lean on the gate to prevent himself from falling again.

Because down there he saw a flash of red, green and black, as the very redhead, he had been thinking about this whole time, was slowly wandering over the beach, holding onto the palm trees, which separated the private beach from the public one, as he was passing them. His slender hands ran over the bark of the trees, and he stumbled once, throwing one arm around the nearest tree to prevent himself from falling down.

He was too far away for Roxas to see his eyes, but the way he was looking down all the time, the way his shoulders were slumped, the way his steps lacked the grace and ease they were usually showing, the way his movements were slow, almost drowsy... It was so _unlike_ Axel, so wrong...

Roxas' hand flew to his mouth to stifle a loud gasp, even though he was too far away for Axel to hear him anyway. Axel let go of the palm tree, stumbling forward a few steps more before he tripped, falling to his knees.

He stayed like this, not making a move to stand up again. No, he even sat down completely in the warm sand, his whole frame... slumping. Even his fiery hair seemed to be drooping more than usual. He sat there, staring at the ground before him, not even blinking. His mouth opened and closed a few times, and he sucked in a shaky breath, hands clenching into fists and relaxing again.

And then he screamed.

Emerald eyes closed, his beautiful face contorted into a mask of pure anguish, hands shot up to fist in soft red spikes, and then he took one deep breath and let it out again in a long, pained, despaired scream, much like Roxas had done only moments before, throwing his head back and then falling forward, hands digging into the white sand. He was breathing hectically now, slim shoulders jerking every now and then. He bent down slowly, hiding his face in the crook of one arm, the other hand closing around the fabric of his forest green jacket, right above his heart.

Roxas didn't even realize he had moved until he was standing right next to the redhead, one hand outstretched and hovering over a trembling shoulder. He froze, staring down at the redheaded boy, his already shattered heart breaking all over again when he heard a soft whimper fall from the other boy's lips.

He didn't know how to react. Axel didn't even seem to acknowledge him, maybe... maybe he could go away again, leave him alone... Axel didn't want to see _him_ anyway now...

_I didn't want him to know! Not _him_!_

Again he heard the angry voice, but somehow it didn't seem to suit the miserable redhead curled up at his feet anymore. Again he caught a sound, somewhere between a gasp and a sob, and his hand moved on its own, touching a bony shoulder gently.

Axel shot up into a kneeling position with a small, startled yell, swatting Roxas' hand away and falling back on his butt, stopping his fall with both hands. He stared up at Roxas stupefied, bright green eyes widening, his mouth falling open.

Roxas held his hurting hand close to his chest, staring back without saying a word.

For a few seconds neither of them dared to move. Then Axel blinked and exhaled shakily.

"_Fuck_!" he swore, his voice sounding slightly higher than usual. "What are _you_ doing here? Trying to give me a fucking heart-attack? _Fuck_!" He looked away and rubbed his reddened eyes.

Roxas sighed, trying not to show how much the redhead's words had hurt. The way he had stressed '_you_' made the sentence sound like 'Not _you_ of all people! Leave me alone! I don't want to see _you_ ever again!'

In Roxas' opinion anyway.

He didn't say anything, just turned around and wanted to leave again. What had he been thinking? Of course Axel didn't want to see him. After all he had done, after all the things he had _said_...

"W-Wait!"

He stopped, looking back over his shoulder, peering at the redhead still sitting in the sand. Axel blinked a few times, started to play with a wristband he was wearing. He seemed to want to say something, but closed his mouth again, looking down dejectedly.

"Sorry," he mumbled, his voice now sounding flat, somewhat... dull. The redhead stood up, brushing sand from his black pants. "It's your beach. Fuck, I don't even know how I got here, I'll just..." He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, then turned around and started to walk away, stuffing his hands into the pockets of his jacket.

Roxas watched him for a moment, torn between the guilt for his behavior, the wish to leave Axel alone because the redhead had to hate him... and the overwhelming desire to hold him back and to apologize for all the things he had done, to... to...

"Axel... wait, please," he called out, running after the redhead and grabbing his arm to hold him back, flinching when Axel immediately wrestled himself free and as he raised his arm as if to protect himself. But he stopped, looking down at Roxas, his face blank once again, emerald eyes guarded and cautious.

Roxas let his hand drop to his side, looking down at his feet. He didn't know where to start...

"Look, I'm sorry." Roxas' head jerked up when he heard Axel saying this, frowning surprised. Axel sighed. "Yeah, I'm sorry, I know you didn't want to see me... I really don't know how I got here," the redhead said calmly. "I was just... running around, I didn't exactly care where I was going... It's fine, you don't have to act like... yanno. Like we're still... friends."

_What is he talking about?_

"What are you talking about?" Roxas' words echoed his thoughts, confusion clearing his mind of every apology he had thought of so far.

"Oh, stop that," Axel growled, scowling at Roxas angrily. "You made pretty clear you didn't want to see me anymore. You don't have to feel pressured to be _nice_ to me because you _pity_ me!"

"_What_?" Roxas blurted out again, confusion now mixing with unbearable guilt... and a little bit of anger. "No, it's not that... I..."

"I said _stop it_, Roxas," Axel snarled, raising one hand again. "I don't want your pity! I never wanted you to know about..."

"Would you please _shut up_?" Roxas yelled, causing Axel to wince and narrow his eyes at him slightly. "I'm trying to apologize here!"

"It's _fine_, whatever you think you have to apologize for," Axel sighed. "You didn't do anything wrong..."

"Yes, I _did_!" Roxas was close to break out in tears, but he held them back stubbornly. But he thought his voice must've betrayed him, because Axel's features softened visibly. "I _did_ do everything wrong! I... I tried to kiss you, I called you beautiful, I... I..."

"It's okay," Axel said, smiling sadly. "You didn't know."

"I didn't _think_!" Roxas replied heatedly. "I didn't _ask_! It was so _obvious_! I should have _seen_ something was wrong, I should... I... I should have _asked_..."

"I wouldn't have told you," Axel answered. "I didn't want you to know."

"Why not?" Roxas felt desperation welling up inside him, choking him slightly, filling his eyes with tears yet again. Hadn't he cried enough already? "I would never... never have tried to kiss you, or... or thought you would... flirt with me..." He looked away, no longer able to see the sadness in beautiful emerald eyes. "I never would have kissed you at the party. I... never would have... I..." He stopped abruptly, clamping his hand over his mouth to stifle a sob. "I'm so _sorry_..." he managed to force out before he broke down, falling to his knees in the warm sand, crying helplessly. He felt ashamed for not being able to control himself better, but the guilt and sadness and confusion were so unbearable...

When thin, strong arms gently pulled him into a warm embrace he didn't resist, but latched onto Axel instantly, burying his face in the coarse material of his jacket. He felt a hand combing through his hair tenderly, felt a gentle kiss being pressed on his temple, felt a long arm circling his waist. He half laughed, half sobbed and hugged the redhead back with all his might.

"Shh..." he heard Axel whisper into his ear, felt the redhead nudging a sensitive spot behind his ear with his nose. "Don't cry, Sunshine... Please, I hate to see you cry..."

The use of his stupid nickname made Roxas only cry harder, even though he tried to calm down, not to show this weakness in front of the boy he loved so much...

"I'm s-so s-sorry," he sobbed, feeling a hand stroking his hair gently again.

"I know, Roxas. I'm sorry too," Axel said quietly. "It was my fault that all this shit happened. I'm sorry. Don't cry..." He rested his chin on Roxas' head, starting to rock the crying boy back and forth softly. "Shh... Please, don't cry. It's okay, Sunshine, it's okay..."

"N-Nothing is okay!" Roxas screamed, but he didn't possess the strength to push Axel away. "I f-fucked up everything, and you _hate_ me..."

"I don't hate you," Axel replied softly. "I could... I could never hate you."

"But..." Roxas started, but Axel shook his head, sighing into Roxas' hair.

"No, Roxas, I don't hate you. You didn't do anything wrong," he said again, playing with a few golden strands absentmindedly.

It felt... nice...

Roxas' eyes closed on their own, and he allowed himself to relax completely in Axel's arms. He wished they could stay like this... He wished this meant something, he wished... he wished...

"Better?" Axel asked, and Roxas could _hear_ the soft smile in the redhead's voice. He didn't dare to look up or say anything, fearing it would ruin this perfect moment. He just wanted to stay like this, listening to the wind rustling in the trees, to the waves rolling onto the beach, to the faint beating of Axel's heart... wanting to smell this unique scent of cinnamon and caramel, wanting to feel slender fingers weaving through his hair, so soothing, so relaxing... He snuggled closer to the other boy unconsciously, savoring this perfect moment...

... until he realized what he was _doing_.

He gasped loudly and pulled away, only to be stopped by the arm still resting around his waist. He stared at Axel who was smiling back at him sadly. The redhead slowly pulled his arm away, nodding and backing away a bit.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to... to... You didn't have to hug me... I... I'm sorry, I just..." Roxas stuttered, feeling a hot blush creeping into his cheeks.

"It's okay," Axel calmed him down, still smiling this strange, sad smile. "I understand. You're just confused..." He sighed and rubbed his eyes, then let his hand drop again and looked away. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have taken advantage of you like that."

_What the HELL?_

"I can't help it, I... I just can't see you cry," Axel continued, smiling sheepishly without looking up again. Roxas believed his heart had stopped beating at hearing this, and he felt the blush on his face heating up even more, felt his hands start to shake.

What was Axel talking about? Taking advantage?

"He... I'm sorry, I know you said you didn't want me to come near you anymore." Axel groaned softly and ran both hands through his hair, then moved to stand up. The smile had long vanished, leaving a tired, sad expression on his handsome face. "I'm really, really sorry, I just..."

"Wait!" Roxas cried and grabbed Axel's hand before the redhead could go away and leaving him like this, even more confused than before. "I didn't mean it, I..."

"Roxas, I told you to _stop_ that," Axel said tiredly, trying to wrench his hand away from Roxas' grasp. "Don't pity me. You don't have to act like you still like me. You told me to stay away, and I understand that, really... I..." He swallowed and bit his lower lip briefly. "I tried to... to... _kill_ you... I didn't _want_ to, but that doesn't change the fact that... I _hurt_ you. I understand if you never want to see me again. Let's just forget this, okay?"

"_No_, goddammit!" Roxas yelled, jumping up and grabbed Axel's sleeve to prevent the redhead from running away, causing the other boy to cringe and stare at him surprised. "Now _shut the fuck up_ and listen to me! I don't want you to go, okay? I want you to stay! I want to apologize for everything I did, for everything I said... I'm sorry for... for reminding you of what happened. I'm sorry for... ignoring how much I scared you. I'm sorry for causing the flashback... I'm sorry for acting like the spoiled brat that I _am_, I'm sorry... for yelling at you, for ignoring you, for not letting you explain, for... I'm sorry for _hurting_ you." He looked down at his feet. "There are so many other things I'm sorry for, but... I think that sums it up. I'm sorry for hurting you." He felt all choked up again, but thankfully his eyes stayed dry this time. "I would understand it if _you_ didn't want to see _me_ again. There is _no_ excuse for my behavior towards you, and... and I don't really expect you to forgive me for that. That I didn't know what happened to you does _not_ excuse my actions. I knew you did not want me to... kiss you, but I _did_, and I am sorry for that... I knew you didn't feel the same for me, and I should have respected that..."

Axel stayed silent, and Roxas was grateful for that. He didn't think he would have been able to continue if the redhead had interrupted him...

"What I did to you was selfish, thoughtless and cruel," he continued after taking a deep breath. "I only thought about _myself_ and my own needs, and I didn't see how uncomfortable my advances made you feel. I'm sorry for interpreting your actions the wrong way. I was blinded by... by my feelings for you. I only saw what I wanted to see, I saw the way you smiled at me, the way you acted around me and assumed it meant more than it really did..." Suddenly he felt drained. Drained, empty and tired. And unbelievably _stupid_! Fuck, what had he been thinking? _Nothing_ Axel had done had ever indicated he saw Roxas as more than a friend. The teasing and hugging and smiling... It was just the way Axel _was_. It was the way Axel had been before... before Riku's brothers had hurt him so much. Obviously Axel had started to recover, and Roxas' careless actions had... had... _ruined_ him.

"I'm sorry. For everything," Roxas whispered again, closing his eyes. "I... I know that you probably don't want to hear it, but... I still like you. I didn't mean when I said I didn't like you anymore because of... what happened. It wasn't your fault, it was mine, and deep down... I knew that all along. I was angry at myself because of it, but I tried to... to blame you for everything... It was wrong. It was _my_ fault all along." He didn't even know if Axel understood what he was trying to say, or if what he said made any sense at all... "I know I've probably blown my chances to ever become your friend again. But I can't help feeling the way I do, and I'm sorry for that too... I..."

He didn't know what to say anymore. He let go of Axel's sleeve, his hand dropping to his side weakly. There. He had apologized.

Why didn't he feel _better_?

If anything he felt _worse_ than before... Just thinking about what he had done made him feel _sick_...

"You... you mean that?" he heard Axel ask timidly. "You still... like me? After everything that has happened? After I tried to... to... choke you? Everything?"

Roxas closed his eyes and nodded, staying quiet.

"You mean... 'Like me' as in 'Like me as a friend' or..."

"You _know_ what I mean," Roxas interrupted the redhead bitterly. "I _like_ you. I like you more than I should... more than you'd like me to, probably. I like you so much it... _hurts_, because now I know... what happened to you, and..." He couldn't say it. He just couldn't explain it better. He groaned and pressed the balls of his hands to his eyes. "Fuck! Sorry... I didn't want to... make you uncomfortable again. Sorry..."

Great. That stupid little confession had probably really ruined any chance to... to... come closer to Axel again...

For a moment he didn't hear a sound, and he already suspected Axel had run away...

"You are not going to cry again, are you?" Axel asked.

"No," he answered tiredly, letting his hands drop again and shaking his head weakly, not daring to look up. He felt so _drained_... "I've cried enough for today, I think."

"Oh, good..." was all the warning he got before...

... a hand closed around his shoulder and pulled him forward, another hand gently grasping his chin and forcing him to look up again...

... warm, soft lips touching his own tenderly, causing his knees to go weak and his heart to stop beating, the hand on his shoulder moved to rest on the small of his back to prevent him from falling, pulling him closer to the other's slender frame, their bodies being pressed flush together...

Roxas' lids fluttered closed, and he sighed softly into the kiss, holding onto Axel's jacket and shirt to steady himself. His head started to spin, and he felt the arm around his waist tighten its hold on him as he melted into the gentle embrace. The hand under his chin moved to stroke his cheek softly, nimble fingers ghosting over his flushed skin, gentle lips moving slowly on his own.

Every coherent thought fled his head as he concentrated on not passing out on Axel, and he started to kiss back shyly, feeling his heart beat almost painfully against his ribcage, ten times faster than before, and feeling a fluttering sensation, like thousands of butterflies flying around in his stomach. He felt his face heat up again, felt his lips start to tingle pleasantly. One of his hands slid between Axel's shirt and jacket, coming to rest on the taller boy's back and stayed there, the other hand still fisting in the black shirt Axel was wearing underneath the green jacket. He wanted to touch Axel's face, but he didn't dare to raise his hands, fearing he would faint if he felt real skin under his hands...

Axel pulled away briefly to gasp for air, and Roxas did the same, sighing happily when he felt those lips on his again a moment later. This second kiss was more forceful than the first one, but still sweet and somewhat shy... Roxas didn't even _think_ about deepening the kiss, because it was perfect as it was, gentle and soft and sweet and loving, and for the first time in his life he felt... _complete_.

He opened his eyes again when Axel pulled away, both of them breathing faster than before. He could feel Axel's breath on his face, as he was still so close their noses were touching. Emerald eyes locked with his, appearing somewhat... dazed, but shining brightly nonetheless... Axel's cheeks were flushed a light shade of pink, which suited him beautifully in Roxas' opinion...

"You have no idea as to how long I've wanted to do that..." Axel whispered, smiling down at him adoringly.

Roxas wanted to retort something witty, but he couldn't think properly, still dazed by that wonderful kiss.

Axel sighed and buried his nose in Roxas' hair. His hand slid down to rest on Roxas' hips, long fingers brushing over the skin beneath his shirt fleetingly, sending jolts of pleasure through Roxas' whole body, causing him to gasp and his knees almost to give out under him... _again_. Roxas grabbed Axel's shoulders to steady himself, leaning on the redhead and resting his head on Axel's shoulder.

"Roxas," he heard Axel murmur into his hair, soft breath ruffling his hair and making him shiver. "Can I... can I tell you something? And... please, could you not interrupt me?" Axel sounded oddly... _shy_ saying this. "I want to explain... _everything_. Before... before..." He groaned softly. "Fuck! Before you make a _mistake_. Okay? I... I don't want you to do something rash. You... have a right to know..." He laughed shakily. "You probably know most of it already, but... I have to tell you some things. But... I don't know if I can tell you everything if you interrupt me. So... _please_?"

"Okay," Roxas breathed, barely loud enough for the redhead to hear. "I won't interrupt you then."

"Okay..." Axel let go of Roxas, sitting down cross-legged and patting the sand next to him, indicating Roxas to sit down next to him. Roxas did, but Axel seemed to change his mind quickly, as a thin arm sneaked around Roxas' waist immediately, pulling him into the now shivering redhead's lap. Roxas let out a surprised, highly embarrassing squeak and threw his arms around Axel's neck, but he forgot about that completely when a moment later Axel hugged him close, one hand resting on his hip, the other one running through his hair gently. Roxas sighed happily and laid his head on Axel's shoulder, gently laying his own hand over the one resting on his hip. For a moment neither of them said anything, then Axel sighed again.

"Oh man, where to begin..." he mumbled wearily, then chuckled slightly. "You... You were right all along, you know? I guess... I guess I _was_ flirting with you, like you said at the party. You remember? I said I didn't... But that was a lie. I kind of... liked the way you were looking at me, I guess... Even... even though it scared me, too..."

Roxas wanted to say something, but he held back. He bit his lip and stared out at the sea, his cheek still pressed against Axel's shoulder.

"You wanna know why I call you 'Sunshine' all the time?" Axel laughed quietly, causing Roxas to smile too. "That first day, in Leon's class, when I entered the room... the first thing I saw was _you_. You were sitting there in the back, and... and the sunlight was falling on you in a... special way... you looked like an angel, with your beautiful blue eyes, and golden hair, and with the way the light was casting this... halo around you... and you were blushing, don't think I didn't see that..."

Roxas' eyes widened, and the remark caused him to blush again.

"You looked so _adorable_, and... I didn't feel uncomfortable when you were looking at me. I _always_ feel uncomfortable when people look at me like that..." Axel chuckled again. "It was like _you_ were the source of this light, not the sun... And I thought you wouldn't appreciate it if I called you 'Angel', so... yeah..." Another chuckle, and a hand moved to tousle golden hair playfully. "I'm surprised myself at how well that nickname suits you... Aren't you just a small bundle of pure joy?" he added mockingly, letting his hand drop to rest on Roxas' hip again. He offered a beaming smile when Roxas glared at him, making Roxas melt instantly... "Just what I'm talking about... Such a sunny personality..." A small sigh. Roxas decided to stay silent. He was way too curious about what Axel had to say to interrupt him because of that stupid nickname thingy... "I was kinda... surprised about that drawing you did in that lesson. But... kind of... flattered too. Even though it gave me the creeps, how you knew about my... hm... fondness for fire..."

Roxas just shrugged, but stayed silent. He didn't know himself why he had drawn Axel like that, staring at the fire. It had just... _fit_.

"Anyway... I... was really glad when Riku and Zexion told me Sora had invited us to sit with you. I thought... I could really start to like you. That thought scared me shitless, I tell you, but... well... I couldn't help it. You were just... too _cute_..." Roxas blushed again. "And then... I almost blew it, because I just _had_ to get pissed at Hayner, and... Well. You know. I tend to overreact sometimes. I... am not entirely comfortable with my looks, yanno... I tend to get offended really easily because of that. Anyway, I was ready to fall to my knees and thank every fucking higher entity watching over me when you and Sora showed up in Aerith's office... not only because that gave Riku another chance with Sora, but... because it meant I would have another chance with you too..." Axel heaved another sigh. "But then, when we were here and you tried to... yanno. Kiss me. I... I was..." He swallowed nervously, and Roxas had to suppress the urge to kiss him again. He had to hold back... That Axel had kissed him before didn't mean he just could do that too... And the redhead obviously had a hard time explaining everything to him already...

"I was... _so_ close to having another flashback..." Axel whispered shakily, starting to stroke Roxas' hair with his free hand gently, the other one squeezing Roxas' hip almost uncomfortably tight. "I was so scared, but... not of you. I was scared I could get one of those goddamned flashbacks and... try to hurt you... and... well... I couldn't stand the thought. That's why I ran away. I wasn't mad at you. I was mad at myself... for not being able to control them... I thought I had gotten rid of them, but... that night I had the first one in months. I didn't tell the others about it, I don't want them to worry..."

Roxas bit his lip again and shifted his position so he could embrace the taller redhead properly. He squeezed the other boy gently, earning a nervous smile in return.

"I don't know what they told you about... about my flashbacks, but... they are... horrible," he explained gloomily, and this time Roxas couldn't hold back.

"I know," he murmured softly, feeling Axel flinch in his arms. "It's okay. Go on."

"'Kay..." Axel breathed and sighed, running a hand through his hair. "After that I wanted... to stay away from you. I hated to think about what would happen if you ever found out about what happened to me... to us. I didn't want anybody to know about that. I was scared people would... would treat me differently because of it. Or talk about me. Or... I dunno. I just... didn't want to be treated like a doll or something. I hate it when people... pity me. I didn't want _you_ to pity me. Or be disgusted... being able to see how... how broken... and... tainted I am..."

Roxas shook his head. He wanted to object, to tell Axel he didn't think that he was broken or tainted, but Axel laid two fingers over his lips, silencing him.

"No, please... no interruptions," Axel said, the grip around Roxas' waist tightening. "Please. I _have_ to tell you."

Roxas sighed and nodded, catching Axel's hand when the redhead tried to pull it away. He didn't know _why_ he did it, but he pressed a gentle kiss on the palm of Axel's hand and held it close to his chest with both hands, smiling up at the redhead who blushed a little, obviously taken aback by the affectionate gesture.

Axel blinked a few times, then returned the smile nervously. He cleared his throat and looked away, his cheeks still tinged with a slightly pink color.

"Eh... anyway... I... decided not to talk to you again, and I tried to... to tell myself it was better that way. I mean... I was really a bit pissed about what you tried to pull off there, but... I was afraid of the flashbacks even _more._" He shook his head. "And I was afraid I could hurt you. Which I did." A deep sigh. "Well... when Sora asked me where you were the next day and started to freak out about you not being in school... it made me feel... guilty. Dunno why. I mean, you were the one who..." He blinked, then blushed and grinned at Roxas sheepishly. "Sorry. But... you know, you really caught me off-guard there... and..." He groaned and ran a hand over his face irritated. "God_dammit_! Sorry. _Any_way! When I saw you then... when you were helping Demyx... That was quite a shock for me. I mean... Demyx never let people other than us touch him. That... made you really special, I think. And I thought it would be good for Demy to make new friends here, so I... decided I'd try to... to forget about what happened and try to... be nice to you. I guess... I got carried away then."

He fell silent for a while, now starting to play with the wristband around Roxas' wrist with his free hand, the other one still holding Roxas in place. Roxas stayed silent too, even though he wanted to say something, to comfort the redhead so badly...

"You know, before... Kadaj and the others... kidnapped us, I really liked to hug other people and stuff," Axel said smiling. "Ask Zexion, I annoyed him endlessly with that. And... with you... it was so _easy_ to be like that again. Demyx, Zexion and Riku were the only ones whom I let come near me like this after... you know. But... that wasn't quite the same. _You_ didn't seem to mind when I got all touchy-feely again. I liked that. And I liked... the way you... acted all shy around me, because I knew you weren't like that around others. I liked... the way you looked at me. Like you _really_ thought what you said back then... when you said I was beautiful... It _scared_ me, because it reminded me of Kadaj, and the way he had looked at me sometimes... but I liked it, because it was _you_ who looked at me like that. _God_, that sounds weird..." Axel grimaced slightly, then grinned. "Well... I loved to tease you, because you are too cute for your own good when you blush. Or pout. Or both."

Roxas glared at him and smacked the side of his head lightly, causing Axel to laugh out loud.

"Yeah, exactly like that!" Axel chuckled, and Roxas could feel his face heat up even more when the redhead suddenly leaned forward and kissed his cheek lightly. Oh, he wanted more of _that_...

"And then... then I realized what I did," Axel continued to explain, nuzzling Roxas' cheek gently. Roxas' breathing quickened, and suddenly he started to shiver. The feeling wasn't unpleasant, hell no, far from it. But... he doubted he would be able to hold back if Axel kept doing that...

Thankfully Axel seemed to notice, because he leaned back again and smiled at Roxas. "I realized I... didn't really act like I wanted to be your _friend_," the redhead said. "I kept telling myself it wouldn't be fair to do this to you, but... I couldn't help it. I _knew_ why you were acting like you did. I _knew_ you liked me... But it felt so good... to... be near you..." Axel stopped and blinked a few times, then started to giggle. "Okay, did that sound as perverted as I think it did?" he asked, throwing his head back and laughing out loud when Roxas nodded grinning.

Roxas watched him amazed. He was so beautiful when he laughed, even more than usual... He wanted to tell him that, but he feared Axel wouldn't want to hear it...

But he couldn't stop himself from reaching out and cupping a pale cheek with one hand. Axel stopped laughing immediately, but he still grinned as he stared at Roxas surprised.

"You are... gorgeous when you laugh, you know that?" Roxas said, tracing the tattoo on Axel's left cheek fascinated, then moved his hand to weave it through soft, fiery red hair. He noticed Axel was blushing again, and he decided he liked that sight. It let the redhead's eyes shine even more, he thought.

A unusually shy smile found its way to Axel's lips, and he grabbed Roxas' hand gently, never breaking eye contact as he kissed it softly.

"Thank you..." he whispered, intertwining his fingers with Roxas'. "And you are adorable, no matter what you do." He sighed and closed his eyes for a moment. "You really are too cute for your own good. Sorry. But, please..."

"I know, go on. I'll listen," Roxas said.

"Okay," Axel breathed, then took a deep breath, rubbing his eyes in an unbelievably cute way that didn't seem to suit him at all and made Roxas want to kiss him senseless... but he held back and listened.

"Where was I? Oh, yes..." Axel sighed. "You were right at the party. I _was_ flirting with you. Maybe not... intentionally. I tried to deny it. I tried to tell myself it was only... I don't know. Friendly. I knew it _wasn't_, but the thought scared me way too much... so I denied it. I shouldn't have. Even Demyx and Zexion noticed I was... acting... differently around you. I think Demyx knew it all along, even when I didn't know myself what I was feeling yet... They... they wanted to talk about it, but somehow I always managed to change the topic to Riku and his crush on Sora, and... well. Then there was the party." He sighed again, pinching the bridge of his nose and looking at a point behind Roxas' shoulder thoughtfully. "I guess I got a bit too excited about the fire. And... when you were sitting there, all on your own... I _had_ to cheer you up somehow. I... can't stand to see you sad. And then... things got... complicated."

"I'm sor-..." Roxas again was stopped by a hand over his mouth. Axel shook his head.

"Don't be. It was my fault, I... encouraged you to do it, unknowingly... I _did_ flirt with you. What were you supposed to think? I'm sorry... and..." The hand trailed down to brush over Roxas' neck tenderly. He shivered and closed his eyes, relishing the soft touch. "I'm sorry for that too..."

Roxas opened his eyes again, confused by the sound of Axel's voice. It sounded so... odd. _Choked_.

He gasped at seeing emerald eyes looking at him, appearing glossy because of tears that were not yet falling.

"I can't believe I did that..." Axel whispered, slender fingers grazing the soft skin on Roxas' throat again. The fleeting touch sent pleasurable shivers down Roxas' spine, and he had to bite his lip to stifle a moan when suddenly Axel leaned forward to kiss his neck softly, warm lips touching the sensitive skin briefly.

"I can't... I can't believe..." Axel whispered again, so close Roxas could still feel his lips move on his skin. But what made him gasp this time was the sudden wetness he felt on his skin...

"Axel... don't cry..." he whispered, raising both hands to stroke spiky red hair softly. "Don't cry, it's okay..."

"It's _not_ okay!" Axel replied distressed, throwing both arms around Roxas' waist and hugging him close, still pressing his face against Roxas' neck. "It's _not_! I should have... I should have stopped it, I knew what you were trying to do... I should have stopped you, or... or told you, or at least run away... Anything! I _felt_ I was getting a flashback when you... when you called me beautiful, but I... was so confused, and a part of me _wanted_ you to kiss me and... I... Oh, _God_..." Axel started to cry, and shake in Roxas' arms. Roxas continued to stroke his hair and shoulders and back in an attempt to calm him down a bit. "I could have _killed_ you! I should have stayed away from you, I..."

"It wasn't your fault," Roxas said quietly. "It was mine. I'm sorry."

"I-It hurt s-so _bad_," Axel sobbed exasperated. "To... to see you... looking at me like that, your eyes... your eyes were s-so _cold_... so _hurt_... I didn't want that, I..."

"I know, Axel," Roxas whispered softly. "I'm not mad anymore. It's okay."

"I didn't _want_ it, I never wanted to hurt you..." Axel didn't seem to hear him. "I couldn't control it, I'm so _sorry_... Y-Your eyes were s-so _cold_..."

"Axel!" Roxas grabbed the redhead's shoulders and shoved him away a bit, looking him straight in the eye. The sight of tears on pale cheeks made his heart clench painfully, and he raised one hand to wipe the tears from Axel's face gently. "Look at me," he pleaded. "I'm not mad anymore. I should never have been. There was no reason to be mad at you. I'm sorry."

Tear-filled, emerald eyes stared at him, pleading, searching for something. He just looked back, trying to hold back tears himself. It hurt to see Axel like this. So... broken.

"It hurt so bad... when you told me to stay away from you," Axel finally whispered, his voice raw and full of emotion. "When you yelled at me, looking at me with those cold eyes, so full of... hatred... When I saw you with... with that girl. It _hurt_... But... But I told myself it was better that way... That at least you wouldn't be hurt... if I stayed away from you. The guilt and... regret were killing me... To think about what I had almost done... it hurt way more than the flashback itself. To watch you... watch you acting like you did... talking to other people, laughing, like... nothing ever happened... I told myself over and over again I should be happy that it didn't seem to affect you that much. But how... could I be happy seeing you... kiss someone else? I... I tried not to show how hard it was on me. I couldn't let the others know. They have enough to worry about, they... shouldn't worry about me too."

Just like Demyx had said. He was always thinking about others, forgetting himself in the process...

"Riku was so mad, he... he said I should stop being a goddamn pussy and talk to you, but... I knew you didn't want me to, and I _couldn't_," Axel said, wiping another tear from his cheek. "I just couldn't. I thought you... you would hate me even more if you knew why I... had those flashbacks. I thought you would think I'm a freak. I didn't want you to think that. I... I preferred you hating me to you knowing how... weak and... and... used and tainted I am. And then... and then I saw you, in my living room, and I knew that you _knew_ and... I just... flipped. I didn't want _you_ of all people to know. And... I hated myself, because... because I made you cry again..."

Roxas couldn't think of anything to say. So he remained silent, holding back tears when Axel smiled at him shakily, his bright green eyes still full of tears.

"I don't even know how I landed _here_ of all places on this damned island... I... felt so... numb, I didn't really know where I was going anymore," the redhead explained, smoothing a golden strand out of Roxas' face with a trembling hand. "And... and... when I saw you... I thought I was... already imagining things... But you were really here, and... and your eyes... weren't cold anymore... there was no hate, only... only sorrow, and... that was even _worse_..." He looked away again, tried to hide his face in his hands. Roxas felt his heart break all over again.

"I... I was so _happy_ when you said you... still liked me..." Axel whispered. "But... But I don't... I don't _deserve_ someone like you... I can't..."

_No! Don't say that! Please don't say that!_

Roxas wanted to cry again, but he held back, only took Axel's badly shaking hands and pulled them away from his face.

"You deserve so much _more_ than someone like me," he said, trying to sound as genuine as possible, trying to keep the slight tremor out of his voice. "You deserve more than a selfish brat like me. You deserve..."

"No, I don't! I _can't_!" Axel cried, holding Roxas' hands so tight it hurt, squeezing his eyes shut and shaking his head fiercely, bright red hair flying around his head. "I can't stand the thought of... of _tainting_ someone as... as beautiful and angelic and wonderful like you..."

Roxas blushed heavily, not knowing if he should feel happy or sad about this.

"What if... what if I try to hurt you _again_?" Axel sobbed, barely holding back tears again. "What if I get another flashback when you kiss me, what if... I could _kill_ you, Roxas! I couldn't _live_ if I ever hurt you again..."

"You won't hurt me," Roxas replied softly, and he meant it. "Hey... Look at me. Please?"

Axel refused to look up, only shook his head again. "No, I _can't_..."

"Axel..." Roxas breathed, gently brushing a hand over the redhead's wet face. "Would... would it be okay if I ask for your permission to kiss you?"

Axel's head jerked up at this, and emerald eyes widened surprised. Axel blinked, frowned and tried to say something, but failed.

"You... you didn't seem to have a problem kissing me. So... if you _know_ it's _me_ you're kissing, it's okay, right?" Roxas blushed heavily yet again, but he refused to look away. "I just... surprised you, at the party. But... if I ask you before I try to kiss you... you can still refuse, if you're not comfortable with it, or if... you think you would get a flashback because of it. Would... that help?"

Axel blinked again, then sighed shakily, looking down at their hands, still intertwined tightly.

"I... don't know..." he whispered, but stopped when Roxas leaned forward, their noses almost touching.

"I really want to be with you," Roxas whispered, feeling his heartbeat quicken as he said this. "I want to help you. I want to hold you when you're sad. I want to... _be there for you_. Do you understand?" Axel nodded hesitantly. Roxas smiled sweetly. "So... can I kiss you now?"

Axel smiled too, nervously, then nodded, never taking his eyes off Roxas'.

And when Roxas closed the gap between them to kiss this wonderful, beautiful boy who had stolen his heart, when again his heart stopped beating for a second as their lips touched, when he felt the redhead responding to his kiss, making him feel all weak and tingly and _wonderful_ inside... he never stopped smiling, because he knew it would be okay. They would make it _work_.

* * *

**Author's Note:** There. And if anybody asks me _why _this chapter took so long I'm gonna break down and _cry_.

Actually I thought about splitting this chapter up a few times. I mean... it _is _friggin long. But if I had split it, you guys would have been left with yet another cliffie and without AkuRoku-ness. I couldn't do that to you. So... worship me! MUAHAHAHAHA!!

Not. Eh. No.

Goddammit! I was in the middle of writing this chapter when I realized... I CAN'T WRITE FLUFF!!! T.T That scene is crap! I hate it! ;( And I have the feeling I fricken rushed the AkuRoku part! Nooooooooooo!

x/ I hate this chapter. I really, really hate it, and I didn't even read it through after my beta corrected it. Oh, yeah, that's right, this chapter is the first one that has been beta-ed! Yay!

Oh well. I'm taking a break now. My fingers hurt. Please be nice to me when you review, this chapter really, really got me down... sigh. If you _hate _this chapter as much as I do... eh... well. Go on and make me cry.


	15. Chapter 14

**Summary:** His life had always been perfect, or at least so Roxas had liked to think. But overcoming his own fears for someone else isn't as easy as it seems. When both his own and his lover's past threatens their unstable relationship, Roxas has to face the truth: His life was far from perfect. But at least it was better than Axel's.

**Warnings:** Yaoi. Kissing, swearing, fluff and an unbearingly cute Roxas. So cute you could get _diabetes_. Why? BECAUSE I SAY SO!!

**Pairings:** AkuRoku main, RikuxSora, ZexionxDemyx side pairings. Possible LeonxCloud later on. Much, much later though.

**Disclaimer:** Pfff... Yep, yep, they are all my personal property. Except, **not**. _But _I do own the Axel and Roxas plushies and Sora's and Roxas' necklaces. Yep. Hehe.

**Chapter Dedication:** Once again to **Kuraieshi**, my darling Beta and personal illustrator... Who just started studying in Denmark and still found the time to beta my story **and** do an awesome oekaki of Axel and Roxas and dedicated it to me! Even though she's got waaaaay better things to do...

And **Riku-Stalker**, because she's awesome. Period.

And **kotilo**, for making me laugh. xD Hehe.

Keep being awesome, guys, and I'll keep writing. Yesh!

**Thanks to:** You guys are crazy. Really now. And I love every single one of you who reviewed and told me I didn't suck at writing fluff. Of course I don't believe you, but at least the reviews gave me enough confidence to try to write something fluffy again... Here it is. I still suck at the fluffy parts, I can't get a funny scene right and somehow the angst isn't quite as... angsty as before, but that won't keep you from writing something nice again, right?

_Right_?

Anyway. Thank you, my faithful readers and reviewers, and all you guys who faved my story. Thank you very, very much. Thanks to all of you who were already mentioned in the last chapters, and keep reviewing! Thanks to the new reviewers: **Fayette Nudusk, Aeternus-Spes, TiredRaven, Siavahada, HikaruRyu, Wolfgirl21, xsakakix, DemonSugarMonkey, Sydameton, hebi chan, Soriku767, BewitchedOne, phaz, Strychnine Laces, asylum-bound, , M1y4k1, AishanuSoma, Never Remain A Memory, Ayako-kun, CrimeSceneSC, Rae and Arakni, Sapphire-Eclipse, Indiesin, xcrying bunny. **And of course you can keep reviewing too. xP

o.O

Wow, look at that... So many new ones... Did I already say you are crazy? xD

Aw, enough of my whining... go on and read! Yay:)

* * *

**Perfect Match - Chapter 14**

_This must be what Heaven feels like. _

Not that Roxas believed in something like heaven. But he knew it was supposed to be a place where everybody was happy, and right now he felt happy enough make his heart burst. Happy enough for it to last a lifetime... Happy enough to make every cheesy line he could think of seem too weak to actually describe what he was feeling.

It had to be a dream.

Yes, it had to be a dream. Roxas was sure of it. He had arrived at his house, had gone inside and was sleeping on the couch or wherever... Because there was no way this could be _real_.

Fortunately Axel didn't seem to think that, because he refused to fade away like a good dream should. Good dreams always ended too soon. Because of this Roxas had set up the theory that this was a horrible nightmare, the kind that would begin wonderfully... only to go horribly wrong at one point and make him wake up screaming and crying his eyes out. But somehow nothing bad seemed to happen. So far no monsters had attacked them, Riku's brothers hadn't showed up yet (Roxas shivered at the mere thought), and Axel had not shown the slightest inclination to go away... or tell him all of this was a mistake... or flip out on him... Not even an ex-boyfriend (or girlfriend) had shown up and claimed he or she was still in love with the redhead and wanted to win him back, making Axel realize he still loved him/her and leave Roxas...

He had to stop watching movies with Namine and the other girls...

Not that he watched them willingly! The girls forced Sora and him to watch those stupid movies with them... eh... Ehm...

Anyway.

But really, something tragic and dramatic like that never happened in real life.

Which brought him back to the start: _This had to be a dream._ Because something wonderful like this also didn't happen in real life.

Roxas had even tried to pinch himself at one point, but that had only hurt and made Axel laugh at him. But it also made the redhead kiss him again, so in Roxas' opinion, it was worth the pain.

Okay. Maybe it _was_ real. The kiss sure _did_ feel real.

And now he was gazing at the boy sitting next to him, taking in every tiny little detail of his slender frame, his beautiful face. The way uniquely colored hair swayed in a gentle breeze, lone strands brushing over a pale face and neck, taunting Roxas to push them back. The way bright eyes were closed halfway to shield them against the reddish light, which was bathing the whole beach in soft hues of orange and gold. The way the corners of thin lips were curled up into a soft smile. The way the light accentuated dark upside-down teardrops on pale cheeks. Axel looked so _relaxed_, sitting there in the sand cross-legged, his chin propped up with one hand. So peaceful... For the first time Roxas thought Axel seemed to be completely at ease. The almost indiscernible tension in his slim shoulders was gone, the guarded cautiousness in his eyes had vanished.

Roxas wanted to stay like this forever. Sitting under a palm tree on the beach, next to a breathtaking redhead who was watching the sunset, serene and happy and utterly beautiful... Again this feeling welled up in Roxas' heart, this feeling that this was a dream, _unreal_... Axel was far too beautiful to be real.

Yes, he _knew_ that this sounded very girly. Eh. Corny. Whatever. Damn Namine's and Kairi's chick-flicks! Damn them to _hell_!

"What are you thinking about?"

The voice sounded amused. Amusement also twinkled in bright emerald eyes reflecting the light of the setting sun, the light slowly changing their color into an even brighter shade of green, flecked with gold, and amusement showed in a teasing half-smirk on the redhead's handsome face.

"Nothing," Roxas lied and looked away, blushing when he heard Axel chuckle quietly. He _knew_ he was blushing, and even though he knew Axel thought he looked cute when he did that, it still unnerved him. Blushing was so _stupid_!

And that sounded _very_ mature.

Roxas groaned and hid his face in his hands. And felt warm fingers closing around his wrists almost instantly, pulling his hands away again.

"As much as I like your hands, I prefer to look at your face, Sunshine," Axel teased, still smirking. "Especially when it is all flushed... Yeah, _exactly_ like that!"

"Shut up," Roxas snapped and looked away again, but the scowl on his face melted away when he felt a long arm circling his shoulders and pulling him close to the other boy, the gentle touch making butterflies spread in his stomach once again.

"Aw, don't be mad, Roxas," Axel whispered right next to his ear, and his other arm sneaked around Roxas' waist, holding him close. Roxas shivered and closed his eyes, smiling when he felt Axel kissing his cheek softly. He relaxed completely in the other's arms, loving how this simple touch made him feel... He felt warm, and secure, and...

He felt _loved_.

And it was a nice feeling. He didn't even know why he felt this way... He hadn't known Axel for very long after all, but something about the redhead made him feel at ease. Had someone told him this two months ago, he would have _laughed_. He, Roxas Harada, falling in love with a boy he barely knew?

_Falling in love..._

That sounded... odd. But what else could this feeling be? This warm, pleasant sensation spreading through his entire body every time Axel said his name, every time their hands brushed against each other. The way his eyes were drawn to Axel's eyes, his smile, to _him_ all the time. Roxas couldn't help it; it was like something _forced_ him to look at the redhead. He couldn't get enough of him... He wanted to look at him, wanted to touch him, wanted to hear his voice, wanted to see his smile, wanted to feel his lips on his own. He felt this urge to make sure that this was _not _a dream. That Axel really was here with him, hugging him close, playing with blond locks at the back of Roxas' neck with one hand. That they were watching the sunset together, just enjoying each other's presence.

It was more than a mere crush. Roxas had had crushes before, and they had never felt like this. It was more than pure lust, too, even though he sure _was_ attracted to the redhead physically too... But this was still _different_.

Roxas looked up to the boy who was holding him, and he couldn't help but smile. To think... Only to _think_ that Axel felt the same for him... To think about the sweet kisses they had shared, to think... To think that _this was real_... It made the butterflies in his stomach go on a _rampage_. It made his heart beat twice as fast as before... And again, every cheesy line he could think of seemed insufficient to describe what he felt when he looked into those radiant emerald eyes.

"There," Axel said softly, the smirk on his face turning into a real smile that made Roxas want to melt and sigh happily. Or cling to Axel like in one of Namine's and Kairi's beloved screen romances, batting his eyelashes and breathing his beloved one's name. He didn't _do_ that of course. How _girly_.

"That's better." Axel brushed strands of golden hair out of Roxas' face and kissed his forehead softly. "You're so much cuter when you smile."

Again they fell silent, just looking at each other for a long time.

After their... 'argument' and their confessions they had talked for a long time... About many things. Axel's past in the orphanage, Roxas' parents, how Axel met Demyx, Riku and Zexion, about Roxas' _fanclub_... which Axel thought was hilarious, by the way... about Sora and Riku, Zexion and Demyx, about favorite colors, favorite food, favorite movies... just... _things_.

Now there wasn't much left to say. They didn't _need_ to say anything. It was a strange experience for Roxas. Usually he would whisper sweet but meaningless words to his 'prey' endlessly, until they tried to do more than just kiss him... But he would never actually _talk_ to them. Or try to get to know them.

But this was so _different_. He liked talking to Axel, even though the redhead enjoyed teasing him way too much in his opinion. He wanted to know _everything_ about this gorgeous boy. But at the same time he didn't _need_ to say anything. Roxas thought he could watch Axel for hours without getting tired of him... It was so _strange_...

They had only shared four very sweet kisses so far (Five actually, but he didn't think the one at the party counted.). And all four had been rather shy, innocent. This behavior didn't seem to suit Axel at all. This shyness, cautiousness, reluctance... it didn't seem to fit the lively, confident, careless side the redhead was displaying in front of other people. But of course Roxas knew why the redhead held back like this. Of course he was still scared.

It just... didn't _fit_! This was not like Axel.

But even though it felt so weird to be kissed like this by the redhead, so careful, almost scared, and even though it was so different from anything Roxas had experienced in his young life so far, it was the most wonderful thing he had ever shared with another human being. He had been with so many people, had kissed so many girls and boys, but it had never been like this. It had never been so... fulfilling. It was like... finding a part of him that had been missing before. It was like they were soul mates. It was like... it was like Axel was able to touch him deep inside, to make him feel... _complete_.

Holy Paopu, since when did his thoughts sound so _corny_? He sounded like a lovesick schoolgirl, for the love of God...

He couldn't help but chuckle quietly, never taking his eyes off Axel's emerald ones. He clamped a hand over his mouth to muffle it, but it grew only louder as Axel raised a brow confusedly. Roxas closed his eyes and looked away, still giggling amusedly.

"Something I said?" he heard Axel ask, and Roxas couldn't help but laugh out loud, holding his stomach as he flopped back into the sand.

"You're turning me into a goddamn _girl_!" he shrieked, laughing even louder when he caught the baffled look on Axel's face, but he quieted down a bit when a wicked smirk stretched the redhead's thin lips, watching him cautiously.

Next thing he knew was Axel straddling him, pinning Roxas' hands down with his own, holding them over Roxas' head. Roxas' breath caught in his throat, and he let out a startled gasp as Axel leaned down, soft red spikes falling over his shoulders and tickling Roxas' face. The only thing Roxas could see was a pair of cat-like green eyes, painted a soft shade of gold by the warm light of the setting sun, and scarlet hair highlighted by the sun, creating a corona of red and orange and golden flames around a pale face.

"And how do I do that?" the redhead asked, his voice deep and raspy, his lips hovering only millimeters over Roxas' trembling ones.

Roxas forgot how to breathe completely. He could only stare up into emerald orbs, suddenly feeling weak and tense and tingly all over. His mind seemed to shut down completely, the only things he could think of were warm hands holding his own, soft lips _almost_ touching his, so close, so _close_... He was _very_ aware of this gorgeous creature kneeling over him, straddling his hips...

_Oh, oh..._

"A-Axel..." he breathed, gasping again when his lips touched the other's fleetingly. He could _feel_ Axel smirk again, even though their lips weren't touching anymore, and the sensation sent strange, but pleasurable shivers down his spine.

"I sure hope you _don't_ turn into a girl..." Axel purred, chuckling when Roxas blushed heavily. "'cause I like _guys_, ya know..." He pulled back a tiny little bit, his own eyes wandering over Roxas' flushed face, halting at his slightly parted lips... Roxas' breathing grew quicker as Axel stared at his lips and licked his own, pink tongue caressing pale, thin lips sensually, and he could feel his whole body tensing up, responding to the close proximity to the redhead...

_Oh God..._

Good thing Axel wasn't actually sitting on him, or things would have gotten... awkward...

"Cute little guys like you, to be exact," Axel added in a breathy voice, and Roxas had to bite his lip to hold back a moan. "Cute..." Axel leaned closer again, his nose touching Roxas', emerald eyes once again locking with Roxas' cerulean ones. "Small..." Closer... "... With hair that catches the light of the sun, like spun gold..." ... closer... "... Eyes of the rich shade of blue like the summer sky above the sea..." ... _almost_ touching... "... pouty lips, soft like flower petals..." Oh God, this was _torture_! "... simply and utterly adorable..." The redhead's lips brushed over Roxas' lightly, sending jolts of pure pleasure through his body. Roxas' eyes fluttered closed, and he felt Axel's fingers intertwining with his. "_Beautiful_... like you..." he heard Axel whisper, and he sighed happily when warm lips finally met his.

But this kiss was so... different. There was nothing shy about it, unlike before... It was forceful, passionate, and Roxas' eyes shot open when he felt something wet and smooth touch his lower lip.

He gasped and then sighed and closed his eyes again, opening his mouth a bit more without thinking, to grant Axel better access. He felt Axel smirk against his lips, felt one of his hands traveling down Roxas' arm, over his chest, his side, his hip, and back up again... And he felt the redhead's wet tongue invading his mouth, exploring, searching, rubbing against Roxas' own, and Roxas couldn't hold back a soft moan. He kissed back eagerly, almost losing control over his body because of the many different, blissful sensations he was feeling... The fervent kiss that made his lips tingle, that sent wave after wave of pleasure through his body, that turned his brain into a useless lump of pure desire. The slender hand gliding over his body, nimble fingers leaving trails of fire where they touched his bare skin, making him crave _more_ of it. And the other hand, which was still holding onto his own tightly.

Everything seemed to start spinning around him, everything but the redhead kissing him, and he used his now free hand to hold onto him, fisted it in soft red spikes, then letting go again and running it over a slender neck, a slim shoulder, down a firm chest where it came to rest. He could feel Axel's heart beating rapidly under the thin shirt he was wearing, and feeling this in combination with hot lips and a skillful tongue still exploring his mouth, made him feel... light-headed. It all felt so _unreal_ once again... Like the hand that just slid under his shirt...

Wait.

_What?_

Roxas threw his head back and gasped loudly, breaking the kiss. Instantly he felt Axel's wet mouth on the delicate skin on his throat, sucking and nibbling lightly... and the hand caressing his side glided over his suddenly oversensitive skin, making his muscles tense up and his insides flip and churn in a strangely... pleasant way. He flinched violently when skilled fingers brushed over his bare abdomen, a touch as light as a feather... and yet it made him whimper yearningly...

_Ohmyfuckinggod, yes, MORE..._

"Axel..." he couldn't help but groan... and cursed his lack of self control when he felt said redhead freeze.

He didn't dare to move, but he wanted to scream when Axel suddenly pulled his hand away as if it had been burnt, shooting up in a half sitting position and staring at the traitorous limb bewilderedly. He blinked a few times, then looked down at Roxas, who was still staring up at him confused (and a bit frustrated, to tell the truth). He blinked again, shook his head, tried to say something, but failed, frowned and looked down...

... realizing the very compromising position they were in, winced and hurried to get off Roxas, crawling back until he was in a few feet distance. He still stared at Roxas stunned, emerald eyes wide open.

"Fuck..." he breathed after a while. Roxas sat up slowly, brushing sand from his clothes, watching Axel wearily.

Okay... that had been rather... unexpected.

"How... Why..." Axel stammered, obviously shocked himself. Again he looked down at his hand, as if he couldn't believe what he had done... Then his eyes widened even more, and he touched his lips with two fingers, again blinking surprised. "What... I... Oh, _fuck_!" The last words came out in a distressed groan, making Roxas sigh.

Of course. It had been too good to be true. Well, at least Roxas knew now this was not a dream.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't want to... Eh..." Axel broke off and tried again. "I don't know what came over me, I didn't... want to... I... Okay, I _did_, but... I didn't..." He groaned again, fisting both hands in his hair and cursing under his breath.

And then both their heads jerked up when they heard someone calling out Roxas' name.

"Oh shit..." Axel hissed, then jumped up and whirled around, ready to run away...

Roxas looked down, feeling tears burning in his eyes. Goddammit, why was this so _confusing_? What now? Did Axel regret it?

_Okay, I get it, it was a mistake, he didn't really want to kiss me..._

He looked up again when someone kneeled in front of him, blinking confused when this someone grabbed his face with both hands... and closing them when Axel kissed him again, sweet and loving. It was fairly short, but instead of pulling away Axel rested his forehead against Roxas', emerald eyes boring deeply into cerulean.

"I'm _sorry_, I have to go, my friends have to be worried sick about me already, I'm really, _really_ sorry, please don't get the wrong idea about this, I don't _regret_ kissing you or anything, it's just, I'm really confused right now and I have to think about it..." Axel whispered in a rush, placing a quick peck on Roxas' still very sensitive lips again. "I need some time to think, okay? I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to jump you like that, but you were so adorable and... Sorry, but I need _time_... It's complicated, and it confuses me, and I need some time to... figure out why I... did that..."

Again somebody called out for Roxas, and this time the voice sounded nearer than before. Axel winced and looked up briefly, then looked at Roxas again.

"I have to go," he said hastily. "Please, don't be mad at me, Sunshine, I just need to think about this, I'll see you tomorrow at school, okay?"

"Okay..." Roxas whispered, even more confused and frustrated than before. He closed his eyes when Axel kissed his forehead tenderly, only opening them again when he felt the redhead stand up and run away.

He stared down at his hands. He didn't want to watch Axel running away from him. His words hadn't really helped... He still felt like... like Axel didn't want him. It was stupid, he _knew_ why Axel held back like this, he knew why the redhead was so scared... but still, there was this nagging feeling that he didn't really...

Roxas shook his head to get rid of these depressing thoughts. He just had to give Axel some _time_...

He sighed and stood, turning around to go back to the house, when suddenly a hand closed around his shoulder, turning him around again. He let out a surprised yelp before warm lips covered his own, making his knees weak once again. He clung to Axel once again, staring at the redhead stunned.

"Okay, screw thinking," Axel panted when he broke their kiss. "_You_ are _mine_, got it _memorized_? See you tomorrow!" And then he was gone again, leaving Roxas dumbfounded.

The _Hell_? What had _that_ been about?

Roxas watched as Axel disappeared between the palm trees, a flash of red and green and black, still staring at the spot when Axel was long gone, trying to understand _what the fuck just happened_!

Somehow he was even more confused now than before. What did that mean? Were they... together now? Like, officially? Or... did Axel still need to think about it? Or... But... He... They... _What_?

"Fuck!" he swore and scratched his head confusedly. Then he grimaced and rubbed his temple, feeling a really bad headache approaching...

"Hey, there you are," his twin spoke up right next to him suddenly, causing Roxas to jump back and squeak highly embarrassingly. He stared at his brother wide-eyed, clutching his t-shirt right above his rapidly pounding heart. Sora looked at him confused. "Didn't you hear me? I called for you at least ten times..."

_I was busy..._

Roxas sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose. "No, I didn't hear you, sorry..." Somehow the headache seemed to increase tenfold. Goddammit, what did it mean? Why had Axel run away anyway? It was just _Sora_... Didn't he want Sora to know about them? _Was_ there something like a '_Them_' already?

"Hey, are you okay?" Sora asked worriedly, leaning forward slightly. "Do you have a fever? Your face is all red..."

Roxas' hands shot up to his cheeks, and he felt the heat there increasing even more.

No wonder he was flushed like that, after this wonderful kiss from before... but that was really embarrassing...

"'m fine," he murmured, trying to will the redness away from his cheeks. Unsuccessfully, of course. Because now he had to think about the kiss again, and what it had felt like...

"You sure? Maybe you caught a cold... A few of our classmates..."

"I am _fine_, Sora!" Roxas growled, causing his brother to frown offended. He sighed and rubbed his eyes tiredly. "I'm sorry, it's just... It was a really long day..."

"Mhm..." Sora nodded, smiling sadly at him again. "I know." He fell silent again, obviously not sure if he should add something...

"What is it, Sora?" Roxas asked, trying to keep his voice down this time. It had been a hard day for Sora too... Roxas was acting selfish again. It wasn't Sora's fault he was so confused right now... "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you. What is it?"

Sora looked at him again, starting to pluck at his gloves nervously, a clear signal he felt uncomfortable about something...

"I'm just... worried about you..." he said quietly.

"No need, I'm _dandy_..." Roxas grinned humorlessly. Yes, after hearing this horrible story earlier today, the argument with Axel, making up and kissing and Axel running away like that...

Why _did_ he run away? Fuck... Now Roxas didn't know what to feel anymore... Hell, it had been so _perfect_ before...

And then he noticed he had lifted one hand to his mouth, touching his lips gently... And he had to smile. Yes, it _had_ been perfect. It had not been a mistake, it had been real... The emotion behind the kisses had been real.

He just hoped he hadn't done anything to scare Axel away...

"You sure you're alright?" Sora asked, outstretching a hand to feel Roxas' face. Roxas smiled even wider, but shied away from his brother's touch. "You're looking all red again..."

"Yes, yes I'm fine," he replied still grinning. And he was. Axel had _kissed_ him, _voluntarily_, he might add. Goddammit, that was more than he could have hoped for after all he did! But the redhead had forgiven him, and they had _kissed_. And it had been sweet and hot and wonderful and _right_ and...

_You are mine, got it memorized?_

He giggled, scolding himself inwardly for acting like a girl again, but not willing to do anything against it. He clamped both his hands over his mouth, but it didn't really help to stifle the amused sound. Sora raised his brows confused, scratching his head cutely and cocking his head to the side. But suddenly his cerulean eyes widened and his mouth fell open, and he pointed at his blond twin grinning.

"You are _blushing_!" he cried, grinning even wider when the color on Roxas' face darkened a shade at this. Roxas really tried to fight it, but it was no use. How did Sora see that anyway? The sun had almost set already, and it was getting darker pretty fast... "You don't have a fever, you're blushing!" Sora yelled again, still grinning broadly, cerulean eyes sparkling.

"Gee, you're so _slow_, Sora!" Roxas laughed, wiping tears of laughter out of his eyes. Why deny it? Yes, he was blushing like a goddamned lovesick girl, so what? He had every right to!

"Ha! And _why_ are you blushing? Tell me, tell me, tell meeeeeeeeee!" Sora begged, grabbing Roxas' arm and presenting his brother his cutest puppy dog eyes. "C'mon, what happened? Why are you so happyyyyyyyy?"

Roxas laughed again and tried to wrench his arm away, but it was no use, Sora wouldn't let go.

"Roxaaaaaaaaaaaas, tell meeeeeeeeeeeeee!" Sora pleaded, now starting to poke his brother's sides, causing Roxas to yelp and jump back, twisting and turning to avoid one of his twin's dreaded tickle attacks, laughing all the while.

"Hey stop that!" he yelled back, trying to grab Sora's wrists but failing, letting out a bark of laughter when Sora's fingers dug into his sides.

Oh god, he couldn't remember being _this_ ticklish...

They struggled and fooled around for some time, Sora chasing Roxas around the beach until he managed to make Roxas trip. Roxas fell into the sand, still laughing his ass off, curling up and holding his stomach as he continued to laugh until tears leaked from his closed eyes. Sora fell down next to him, chuckling cheerfully himself, but still appearing somewhat confused about his twin's strange behavior.

The chocolate-haired twin let out an alarmed yelp when suddenly Roxas grabbed his wrist and pulled his supporting arm away, causing him to fall flat on his back.

Roxas hugged his surprised twin, still grinning happily, burying his face in Sora's shoulder.

"He kissed me," he whispered, earning him a stunned gasp from his brother. "He kissed me, Sora, he's not mad at me... He _likes_ me..."

"What? _Who_?" Sora asked, grabbing his shoulders and shoving him away so he could look him in the eye. "You mean..."

"He was here," Roxas interrupted him happily. "Axel was here, and we talked and... he _kissed_ me, Sora!"

"Shit, really?" Sora gasped, big cerulean eyes even wider than usual. He shook his brother lightly, causing Roxas to giggle again. "He was _here_? We searched _everywhere_ for him, Riku was worried _sick_..."

"He just went home," Roxas said and rubbed his right eye. Suddenly he felt pretty tired... It had been an eventful day after all...

"Oh, thank God he's okay," Sora sighed relieved. "The others were really worried about him, we went searching for him right after you went home... They thought he would do something stupid..."

There it was again. This nagging feeling in the back of his mind, the feeling telling him Axel regretted it...

"Maybe he did..." he murmured, looking away when Sora frowned at him. He sat up again, brushing sand from his clothes. Sora sat up too, grabbing his shoulder gently.

"What do you mean?" he asked, features softening when he caught the forlorn expression on his brother's face. "You said he likes you. That's great, right?"

"Right," Roxas sighed, pulling his knees up to his chest and resting his chin on them, looking out at the sea, where a fine line of red light was still visible on the horizon. "Great."

_But why did he run away? Did I do something wrong?_

"You are strange, brother dearest," Sora said and rolled his eyes. "Aren't you happy about that?"

"I don't know," Roxas groaned and rubbed his eyes. "It's so confusing."

"Hm." Sora shrugged and stood, brushing sand from his pants. "Well, he kissed you. That's good, right?" He grinned mischievously. "How was it, anyway?"

Roxas' head jerked up, and he stared at his twin open-mouthed. Then he grimaced and threw a handful of sand at Sora who stepped back laughing.

"Sora! That's gross! I'm not talking about _that_ with _you_!" he shouted, but he was grinning himself now.

"What? I'm curious! I have to watch out for my widdle baby bwother, don't I?" Sora chuckled, pinching Roxas' cheek and laughing loudly when Roxas tried to glare at him but failed miserably because he had to grin himself. "Sooooooo... how was it?"

"No, I will not talk about that with you!" Roxas repeated and grimaced again. "That's... Ewww!"

Sora laughed again and shook his head, then clapped once and whirled around.

"Race you to the bathroom!" he yelled over his shoulder, then ran away.

Roxas jumped up, then snorted when he thought about this challenge, and followed his brother... but much, much slower.

"We have six bathrooms, dummy!" he shouted after his twin, watching as Sora stopped at the gate to the flower garden.

Sora turned around, scowling at him and stamping his foot angrily. Very childish.

"You're no fun!" he grumbled, a grin lighted up his face once again. "Okay then, race you to the _very last box of your beloved cereal_!"

"What? Hey!" Okay, this meant _war_. Nobody touched his 'King Mickey's' cereal!

"_I shall eat all the marshmallows_!" Sora howled before he threw the gate open, running away cackling manically when Roxas lunged at him.

"Fuck, Sora, come back! _Fuck you_!! Don't you _dare_!!" Roxas yelled, causing Sora to laugh even harder.

"Watch your tongue, young man!" Sora shouted back over his shoulder. "Or I shall use up all your shampoo too!"

"That's for blond hair, you dumbass!"

"Language, Roxy, _language_! Or your dear friends shall pay!"

"And it's fucking _expensive_! Ack! _No_! Not King Mickey's! _So-ra_!"

* * *

A few hours later, when Roxas had saved his beloved 'King Mickey's' cereal and had taken a nice, long shower, using his fucking expensive, 'Blond hair _only_' shampoo, he was on his way to his room when he heard something.

A quiet sniffing, coming from his brother's room.

He stopped and turned, pushing the door fully open and looking inside the room hesitantly.

Sora was sitting on his bed, hugging his pillow tight and looking outside, up to the moon which bathed the room in a soft, silvery light. Sora looked unnaturally pale, but that could have been because of the moonlight which let his hair seem almost black and his eyes darker than usual.

"Sora?" Roxas whispered, entering the room fully and stepping closer to his brother. Sora winced and looked at him briefly, then turned away again, continuing to stare at the milky white orb hovering over the calm sea.

"Go to bed, Roxas," Sora sighed, and Roxas could hear unshed tears in his brother's voice.

Of course... after all they had learned today... It had been a long day for both of them...

"Are you okay, Sora?" he asked, feeling guilty for not seeing sooner something was wrong. Sora had acted so happy before...

"'mfine," came the mumbled reply, but the underlying message was a plea for comfort, a cry for help...

Roxas sat down next to his brother, staring up at the moon too, staying silent for a while.

Sora was still worried about him, he could feel that. He knew his twin didn't want him to know something was wrong. Sora wanted to act happy for him... He wouldn't ask for help. Sora had never asked for help. Sora had always been the one who comforted his brother. Sora had always been the one who solved other's problems. _Sora never asked for help_. Not directly.

"Can I stay here tonight?" he whispered, taking his brother's hand gently. Sora flinched and looked down at their hands, then at Roxas. Only now Roxas could see how glossy and sad his brother's bright blue eyes were. But he could also see silent thanks in those cerulean depths.

"Sure, Roxy," the chocolate haired twin said, his voice full of concern. He laid the pillow aside. "Can't sleep, hm?"

"Dunno..." Roxas murmured, letting himself fall back on the bed. "After all that happened today... after all they told us... It's just... so much to think about." He stayed silent for a short while again. "But I don't want to think about it _alone_, ya know."

"Yeah..." Sora agreed and lay down next to him, grabbing a blanket and pulling it up to cover them both with it. Roxas grabbed one of the many pillows lying on the king-sized bed, and Sora grabbed another. They both hugged their pillows, staring at each other, identically cerulean eyes locking.

They stayed like this for a while, silently gazing at each other. But some time later Sora looked away, buried his face in his pillow. And he started to cry.

Roxas reached out to him, petting spiky chocolate colored hair softly. It was still a little bit wet from the shower Sora had taken before.

"Sora?" he whispered, laying an arm around his brother's shoulders gently. "What's wrong?"

Sora shook his head, his face still hidden in his pillow, and curled up into a ball, sobbing quietly, obviously trying to suppress the quiet sounds.

Roxas sighed softly and continued to stroke Sora's hair, rubbed his arms comfortingly. It was heartbreaking to see his happy twin like this. He would never get used to it.

"How could they do this to him?" Sora sobbed, grasping Roxas' hand and holding it tightly. He was trembling badly. "How could they? H-He is their _brother_!"

Roxas said nothing, just embraced Sora gently, rubbing his back in a comforting manner as Sora continued to cry into his shirt.

"How... h-how could they b-be so _cruel_?" Sora continued a bit louder. "It's _wrong_! It's a miracle he... he didn't commit suicide yet, or... or turn out to be as... insane as them... He didn't do anything wrong! It wasn't his fault... that their mother died... How could they _think_ something like that? That's crazy! How can they hate their own brother so much?"

Sora's voice broke, and he continued to cry, no longer able to say anything because of the heavy sobs racking his frail body. Roxas sighed sadly, holding his twin until Sora fell asleep, exhausted. Roxas himself stayed awake, letting go of Sora and grabbing his pillow again, watching Sora sleeping restlessly. Sora seemed to have a nightmare, and every time he whimpered scared in his sleep, every time he threatened to wake up, Roxas reached out to stroke chocolate colored hair, whispering gentle words to calm his brother down. It was all he could do now.

He hoped it was enough.

* * *

He only slept for three hours, groaning when Sora's alarm went off the next morning. Ack. And he couldn't stand that stupid song too... What a way to start the day...

He felt like he could sleep for two days straight. It couldn't be _healthy_ to be this tired... Dammit, how had he done this before? He had never slept long, but lately it seemed to get... harder to sleep so little.

"Hey, Roxy! Wakey, wakey, breakfast is ready! We have to go to school today, sleepyhead!"

Roxas groaned again, burying his face in the soft pillow. What a nice pillow... smelled good too...

He mumbled protesting when his new friend was dragged away from him, then flopped back onto the mattress and grabbed another pillow, stuffing it under his head and curling up around it protectively, holding it tightly. He moaned miserably when someone tugged at his pillow again.

"Lemmealonnn..." he groaned, hitting at this annoying person tiredly. He heard an amused chuckle behind him, and suddenly he was pushed off the bed, falling to the hard, cold, unwelcoming floor with a startled yelp...

Luckily he still had his pillow, so it wasn't so bad... He just blinked a few times, then closed his eyes again. So what if the floor was hard? He felt like he could sleep everywhere...

"It's no use," someone who sounded like Sora sighed. Oh, yeah. Sora. He was sleeping in Sora's room, wasn't he? That's why the pillow smelled so fruity...

Hehe. Fruity. Sora was _frui-ty_...

"Oh, don't worry, let me try. You go and eat breakfast with the others," someone else answered. Hm, pretty voice. Prrrrrretty. And sexy. Strangely familiar, too...

He heard more mumbling, then silent footsteps... And then it was quiet again. Blissfully quiet...

He was already drifting off to sleep again, when suddenly someone seemed to sit on the bed he had been pushed off so roughly before. He heard the springs creak faintly. But then it was quiet again.

Roxas sighed and hugged his pillow closer, rubbing his face against it. Smelled really good. Maybe he should start to use Sora's shampoo too...

Behind him someone 'Awwww'ed, chuckling quietly and thus troubling his sleep again. Roxas felt something... Something warm was running through his hair, brushing a lone strand that was sticking to his forehead from his face. That _tickled_. And then this warm something started stroking his cheek lightly...

Roxas smiled sleepily and sighed again, turning around so he was lying on his back, snuggling closer to the hand caressing his face so gently...

Waitaminute... a hand? Even in his still drowsy, sleep-deprived state he remembered that Sora didn't do something like that. Stroking his face to wake him up. Sora was usually more... violent when it came to wake him up... Kicking him out of bed fit Sora pretty good. But... _stroking his face_? Na-ah...

"Roxas... C'mon, open your pretty eyes for me," a voice whispered right next to his ear. A very nice voice. Smooth and gentle and... pretty. Definitely not Sora, no.

He forced his eyes open a tiny little bit, and he saw... something... red?...

He gasped and shot up into a sitting position, then 'eep'ed and leaned back a bit, realizing his face was only millimeters away from another one... A pale face surrounded by fiery red, remarkable spiky hair, bright emerald eyes fixed at his, sparkling mischievously, upside-down teardrop tattoos on pale cheeks drawn up a bit because of the wide grin the redhead was showing.

"Morning, Sunshine," Axel breathed, propping his chin on one hand. He was lying on his stomach on Sora's bed, still grinning at Roxas happily.

Roxas could only stare at him wide-eyed for a minute, then yelled and tried to hide behind his pillow. Luckily it was rather big. He couldn't get the blanket to cover himself with, because Axel was lying on it... And he was only in his pajamas! Baby blue pajamas, with fucking _stars_ on them! And the fucking stars were making _funny faces_! Frick!

Axel broke down laughing at Roxas' shy behavior, burying his face in the mattress of the bed he was laying on, hitting the soft material while he was laughing into it. His merriment caused Roxas to blush heavily. _Again_. Dammit, how did he _do_ that? Why did Roxas keep blushing when the redhead was around? It wasn't _fair_!

"Stop laughing, you jackass!" he yelled, now using his pillow to hit Axel's head. Axel rolled around laughing, holding his stomach with one hand and using the other one to defend himself from Roxas' attacks.

"Oh God," he gasped, still trying to fight off the Pillow Of Doom. "You are so fucking _cute_, I could _devour_ you!"

"Stop! Laughing!" Roxas screamed, his face feeling like it was on fire. He tried to hit Axel again... But suddenly the redhead grabbed Roxas' wrists and jerked the fluffy weapon from his grasp, then pulled at his arms...

... and somehow Roxas found himself lying on the bed... and Axel was kneeling over him once again, grinning down at him.

How did _that_ happen?

"Hey there, Sweetie," the redhead smirked, chuckling when Roxas frowned at him. "Did I already tell you that you are _adorable_ when you pout like that?"

"Shut up," Roxas growled and looked away. He didn't like it when someone made fun of him... When this someone happened to be a certain redhead it was even worse...

"Not a morning person, are you?" Axel chuckled, then smiled softly, leaning down to kiss Roxas' cheek gently. "But _so_ cute... You know, I think I could watch you sleep for hours..."

Roxas frowned and narrowed his eyes, but didn't look up to the redhead. He stayed silent.

"Hey..." Axel gently cupped his cheek with one hand and forced him to look up, but Roxas stubbornly closed his eyes. "Are you mad at me?"

"I bet _you_ love to wake up to random people laughing at you after what feels like ten fucking minutes of sleep," Roxas huffed annoyed. "What are you _doing_ here?"

"Trying to wake you up nicely," Axel answered sheepishly. "Not very successfully, I might add."

"No, not really," Roxas mumbled. He heard Axel sigh and opened his eyes again... And all his anger melted away at meeting the redhead's miserable gaze.

"Look, I'm sorry," Axel said, moving to sit next to Roxas. The redhead looked down at his hands, long fingers nervously playing with the sleeves of his navy blue shirt. "I just thought... after... what happened yesterday..." He stopped and bit his lower lip thoughtfully, running both hands through his brightly colored hair. Roxas watched him curiously, and he found himself wanting to reach out and hug the redhead...

"Can we talk?" Axel looked down at Roxas again, and the pleading expression on his handsome face made Roxas feeling uneasy. No, not _uneasy_... _dreadful_ was more like it.

He hated it when conversations started like this... Now Axel would tell him yesterday had been a mistake...

"Sure," he replied anyway, but the uneasy feeling only grew when Axel sighed deeply. He sat up, grabbing a pillow again and hugging it tight. Axel glanced at him and chuckled quietly, hiding his smile in his hand when Roxas frowned again.

"Sorry," the redhead mumbled again and looked away, still smiling. "Why are you hiding from me anyway? It's not like I haven't seen you half-naked before..."

Roxas stared at him, eyes wide and mouth falling open, feeling hot blood rushing to his cheeks.

Axel clamped both his hands over his mouth and uttered strange, choked noises sounding oddly like laughter... Tears welled up in emerald eyes, but Axel didn't really seem sad... In fact...

"You're laughing at me again, aren't you," Roxas growled, hugging the pillow tighter and fisting his hands in the soft material. He didn't even understand _why_ he was getting mad at Axel so easily today... It was just this _feeling_... It was stupid, and irrational, but...

He was so fucking _scared_.

Axel squeezed his eyes shut and took a few deep breaths to calm himself down, wiping tears from the corners of his cat-like eyes.

"I'm sorry, but... you're so cute when you blush like that..." Axel gasped and grinned at Roxas. "What I meant was, I already saw you _swimming_, so you don't have to act all shy around me... Blue is your color anyway. Those PJ's are cute on you." He smiled and leaned forward a bit, reaching out to grab the pillow Roxas was holding onto. "C'mon, don't hide from me..."

"Whatever," Roxas whispered and threw the pillow at the redhead, who barely managed to dodge it.

Roxas jumped off the bed and rushed past the surprised teen still sitting on Sora's bed, wrenching his arm away when Axel tried to hold him back. He ran out of the room and to his own, slamming the door shut behind himself and turning the key twice, leaning against the cool surface.

_What the hell am I doing?_

Why did he act so... childish? Maybe that wasn't even what Axel wanted to say... but...

_I don't want to hear it!_

He sniffed quietly, falling to his knees when suddenly tears welled up in his eyes, clouding his vision.

He was such an idiot! Acting like this would only make it easier for Axel to tell him he didn't want a relationship with him...

He heard someone knock on the door, and a choked sob escaped him.

_Idon'twanttohearitIdon'twanttohearitIdon'twantto..._

"Sunshine? Can I come in?" Axel asked cautiously, sounding very worried. "Come on, open the door... What's wrong? C'mon, tell me... please..."

Great. Now the redhead was worried about him. That was just what Axel needed...a whiny little brat to add to the problems he was already going through, with all those horrible memories and flashbacks and...

He heard and felt Axel trying to open the door, heard him hissing a few very colorful curses... then the redhead seemed to kick the door and walk away.

Roxas sobbed loudly and curled up, still sitting next to the door. He hid his face in his arms, thinking, no, _knowing _that now he had blown his chances for good...

Why did he have to do that? Why was he so fucking scared? Yesterday all had been wonderful... Why did he have to act so idiotic and childish and...

Maybe it was better this way... Axel had been through so much, he needed... somebody who was strong, who could be there for him... Not a spoiled, selfish brat who was always thinking about himself, who... was so insecure about himself that he ruined everything good that happened to him... who was only good at hurting other people... who drowned in self-hate as soon as something bad happened to him because he believed it was his fault...

But before he could sink even deeper in his depression he heard something... He looked up and blinked a few times, looking around in his room...

"_What the fuck are you doing, you moron?_" he shrieked, staring wide-eyed out of the partly opened glass door leading to his balcony, where he could see two hands clutching the railing... followed by a shock of red hair as Axel hoisted himself up, climbing onto the railing seemingly effortlessly.

The redhead crouched on the railing without looking at Roxas who was still gawking at him perplexed. He looked back down, clutching the railing with both hands.

"Thanks, dude, it's the right room!" he shouted, grinning when somebody (Roxas thought it could have been Riku) replied something he didn't quite catch...

Axel jumped off the railing and straightened his shirt, frowning at a small tear in his sleeve while he kicked the glass door open and entered the room. Then he shrugged and looked around, raising both brows at the huge room and nodding approvingly.

"Not bad," he commented, seemingly ignoring Roxas who slowly stood up, still staring at him unbelievingly...

The redhead had just _not_ climbed onto his balcony... right? No. Fucking. _Way_!

Roxas wasn't able to move, not even when Axel suddenly was in front of him, a deep frown marring his face. The redhead slammed both hands against the door behind Roxas, effectively trapping the smaller boy between his arms, leaning forward to look Roxas straight into the eyes.

"Sunshine," he said quietly, the tone in his voice making Roxas want to cower under his bed and never come out again. "You're starting to piss me off."

Roxas suddenly felt very, very small. And stupid. And guilty. And he didn't exactly know why, because... what had he done? Apart from...

... everything...

Okay, the guilty part was probably justified. And the stupid part.

"Yanno, you're sending out pretty mixed signals," Axel drawled on, slamming his flat hand against the cool wood again when Roxas tried to say something, effectively silencing the blond boy. "No, _you_ just listen. I mean, what's fucking wrong with you? I told you I'm sorry for laughing at you, even though I didn't even mean it the way you took it... It's just... Dammit, it was _funny_ how you freaked out on me! And I'm... I _was_ in a pretty good mood today and I like to laugh, okay?"

Roxas frowned and opened his mouth to say something, but again Axel's hand slammed against the door, and he closed his mouth again, suddenly finding it harder to breathe... He couldn't avert his gaze from angrily glinting emerald eyes, as much as he wanted to. He didn't want the redhead to look at him like this... He didn't want Axel to be angry...

"I didn't sleep at all tonight because I was so fucking _happy_, because of what happened yesterday," Axel hissed angrily. "I don't know if you fucking _remember_, but we had a _moment_ there... at least I _thought_ so. But your reaction makes me think that maybe I dreamed it all..." The frown on his face softened visibly, leaving a sad, tired expression on Axel's face. The defeated look in his bright eyes broke Roxas' heart. He wanted to say something, to tell the redhead it hadn't been a dream, that there _had_ been a moment between them, but his voice failed him when Axel closed his eyes and hung his head, his slim shoulders slouching slightly. "Don't do this to me, Roxas," the redhead whispered brokenly, his voice sounding as if he was on the verge of tears. "Don't play with me like this. That's not what I need right now... If you don't want a relationship with me just _say it_, and I'll leave you alone, I promise... Just... don't get my hopes up and... and..."

_Did he just say 'relationship'?_

Without thinking Roxas grabbed the redhead's shoulders and crashed their lips together desperately, feeling Axel flinch violently and feeling the redhead try to pull back... and he wanted to slap himself and broke the kiss again, smiling at Axel worriedly.

Axel appeared to be even paler than before, and he was breathing more quickly, his bright green eyes wide. But he seemed to still acknowledge Roxas, and he smiled back, albeit a bit shaky.

"I... I'm sorry, I didn't want to scare you," Roxas apologized sheepishly, looking down at his feet. "And... and I'm sorry for earlier, I didn't... I didn't mean to get mad at you, but... but when you said you wanted to talk I thought you wanted to break up with me, but that's ridiculous because we're not even together yet, but I still thought you... I thought..." He groaned and hid his burning face in his hands, hearing Axel chuckle quietly. "I'm such an _idiot_!" he mumbled.

"Sometimes," Axel agreed cheerfully. "But you're an unbelievably _cute_ idiot."

"Thanks," Roxas growled, blushing harder when he felt Axel brushing his hair out of his face and kissing his forehead.

"It's okay, I guess I just suck at things like that," the redhead sighed and smiled weakly.

"No... I was just... so scared," Roxas admitted, not daring to look up to the other boy. "I was scared and I interpreted everything you said the wrong way... I'm sorry..."

"Do you think I'm not scared?" Axel asked gently, nodding when Roxas looked at him surprised. "I was _terrified_ of coming here and talking to you again! I was so confused yesterday, and when I came home I... realized it may not have been the best idea to run away like that... It's just..." He sighed. "Yeah, well, y'know... actually... I'm not really..." He stopped himself again and crossed his arms, then raised one hand to rub his eyes wearily. "Aw, crap... How do I say this?"

There it was again... this uneasiness... Roxas felt his heart sink again, but he forced himself to stay calm. Him freaking out again was the last thing Axel needed right now...

He tried to tell himself it wouldn't matter... It wouldn't matter if Axel told him it had been a mistake to kiss him, it wouldn't matter if Axel told him he realized he didn't like him like that, it wouldn't matter if Axel told him he needed time... Nothing would matter. They... could still be friends, right?

_Right_?

Wrong.

Because Roxas could never just be Axel's friend. And he knew it. He cared for the redhead way too much. It was way too late to just be friends. He couldn't go back, talk with the redhead like the kiss had not happened... He couldn't... His heart would shatter beyond repair, and he would _die_...

Fine, that had been a tiny little bit over-dramatic. But it _would_ hurt if Axel rejected him now, after all that had happened the day before...

"Okay," Axel suddenly said, startling Roxas out of his gloomy little world. The redhead let his hands drop to his sides, then raised one again to rub the other arm nervously. "I really suck at things like that... You know, this is only the second time I do something like this, and I... I kind of... expected you to say no when I asked you, because I thought you would be mad at me because I ran away like that yesterday... but Demyx told me to tell you, and Sora said that too and he let me into his room and you were looking like a little angel, so sweet and innocent and lovely... and I didn't even want to wake you up because you looked so cute but I really, really wanted to ask you and..." He paused again, biting his lip in a cute way that made Roxas want to squeal like a girl... Had he not been so anxious what the redhead wanted to say...

"What I wanted to talk about with you before is..." Axel looked up and locked his eyes with Roxas' once again, now looking even paler than before, emerald orbs wide and pleading. "Would you... Do you want to... _Wouldyouliketobemyboyfriend_?"

_What?_

"What?" Roxas breathed weakly, not believing what he had just heard...

"Don't make me say it again," Axel growled, frowning slightly. Then a grin lightened up his face again, making Roxas smile too. "I originally wanted to ask you to be my _girlfriend_, but after you blew up on me like that..."

"Oh, you're so _mean_," Roxas cooed and pouted as cutely as he could, loving the way Axel's pale cheeks flushed a light shade of pink.

"What... ever," the redhead mumbled, again rubbing his arms as if he was cold. "So... do you..."

"Yes," Roxas answered overjoyed, throwing his arms around the tall redhead and hugging him tightly. "Yesyesyesyesyesyes_yes_!" He closed his eyes and laughed happily, then moved his arms so they rested around Axel's neck loosely, gazing into the redhead's beautiful green eyes.

But Axel remained serious.

"Are you sure?" he asked, grasping the arms around his neck and squeezing them gently. Roxas could feel him tremble slightly. "Are you sure you want to be with a guy like me? A guy who... might never... be able to..." He squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath before he tried again. "Roxas, I might never be able to be with you without being scared. Do you understand? Every time you try to kiss me I could get another panic attack... Every time you try to touch me I might be reminded of... _him_..." Now he opened his eyes again, and Roxas was shocked to see crystal clear tears in those beautiful green orbs. "What if... what if I can't be with you like you want me to? What if I can't get over what happened? I couldn't... I couldn't stand to lose you because I'm too afraid to treat you like you deserve..."

"Don't say that," Roxas interrupted him gently, smiling at him when the redhead looked at him, obviously feeling uneasy. "Axel, I don't _deserve_ anything. I sure as hell don't deserve someone as perfect and gorgeous as you..." He smiled again when Axel winced at this. "I don't deserve you," he repeated a bit quieter. "And I promise you I will never leave you because of what happened to you. I still can't believe you actually consider to be my... _boyfriend_..." Oh, he loved the sound of that. _His boyfriend_. The thought made the urge to squeal almost unbearable... "And I know we can do this. I know it. I would do everything for you. And if that means I have to wait... Then I'll wait. Okay?"

Holy crap, now _this_ sounded like straight out of a romance novel.

But Axel just smiled and nodded, moving his arms until they rested comfortably around Roxas' waist. He leaned down to rest his forehead against Roxas', brushing his warm lips over the blond's fleetingly.

"Okay," he whispered, and this single word made Roxas feel like he could fly away on a cloud of pure happiness and adoration.

"Okay," Roxas repeated equally quiet, closing his eyes when Axel kissed him again.

And he had to bite back a loud scream when suddenly someone knocked on the door.

He groaned and broke the kiss, hiding his face in Axel's shirt and clutching the redhead's upper arms so tight it had to hurt. But Axel only smirked down at him amused.

"Hey, guys, since Sora's too chicken to interrupt you... We have to get going in ten minutes," Riku shouted through the door.

"What? Hey!" Sora hissed so loudly they could still hear them. "I'm _not_ too chicken! I just didn't want..."

"Ten minutes, or I'll crawl onto the balcony myself and get you out," Riku added, ignoring Sora's protests. "I don't want to miss History because of you!"

Axel rolled his eyes, then kissed Roxas, who blinked at him surprised, let go of the smaller boy and turned the key, opening the door to reveal a very smug looking Riku and a very red looking Sora.

"You have _no idea_ how much I hate you right now, Pretty Boy," he said without batting an eye.

"I couldn't care less," Riku sneered. "You should fall on your bony knees and worship me for dragging you here, you sissy. And now drag your scrawny ass downstairs and let your boyfriend get dressed."

This comment caused both twins to blush heavily and Axel to narrow his eyes at the silver haired teen.

"Fucker," the redhead said nonchalantly.

"Dickhead," Riku replied kindly.

"What do you mean, his _boyfriend_? They are not..." Sora began, but interrupted himself when Axel turned around, grabbed Roxas and kissed him violently.

Roxas felt his knees go weak and his eyes widen, but he couldn't do anything but cling to the redhead. It was wonderful... marvelous... unbelievably _hot_. Those hot lips on his were moving slowly, sensually, and he even felt a hand sliding under his shirt to rest on the small of his back, making the butterflies return once again full force. He even forgot they had an audience for a moment, and he returned the kiss eagerly, weaving his hands into fire red hair and tugging at the spiky strands gently, gasping delightedly when Axel tenderly bit down on his lower lip, sucking lightly before letting go completely. He had to lean on the doorframe when Axel let go of him, staring at the smirking redhead in a daze.

"Hurry up, Sunshine," Axel whispered, then pulled away and rushed past a very shocked looking Riku, grabbing the silver haired boy's shoulder and dragging him with him downstairs.

Roxas stared at him dreamily until the redhead and the silverhead disappeared from the scene.

And then he turned his head slowly and stared at his twin who gaped back at him, two pairs of cerulean eyes equally wide.

"Dammit," both brothers whispered in unison, then broke out into identical wide grins.

"Wait until I tell Namine and Kairi!" Sora cried happily, running away laughing.

And Roxas just smiled. He made no move to stop his twin, it didn't even bother him that in a few hours his whole school would know about him and Axel... simply because now there was a 'Him and Axel', and that fact made him feel boundlessly grateful and jubilant... it was a simply _glorious_ feeling.

And for a while he could forget the nagging little voice in his head telling him this feeling would not last for long.

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**Author's Notes:** Ack. Somehow I liked Roxas better when he was all emo and gloomy and angry. He's so _sweet _now, it hurts my teeth just to write him like that! x/

lol Yes, I'm not dead! xD Soooooooorry for the long wait! This is kind of a filler chapter in my opinion... Just a tiny little bit of happiness and fluff, before TRAGEDY STRIKES THEM AGAIN FULL FORCE!!! MUAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!

I hope you guys still like it. I know it took way too long, but I had to take two weeks completely off writing... That last chapter kind of burned me out. Oh well. Now I'm back, and I'm already writing on the next one and I hope that one won't take this long again. Depends on my inspiration. Did I already say I think reviews are very inspiring?...

Yeah, and thanks again for all your nice reviews... But please, don't take what I say seriously, I don't mean it when I start to whine and bitch about my writing. I wouldn't post it here if I really didn't like it. Really, don't take me seriously. Just review if you really like what I write, or if you really hate it and want to tell me that... Not to cheer me up because I had an Emo-phase when I wrote the Author's Note.

Of course you can review if you want to inspire me to write... xP

Aw, no, just tell me what you think. Help me to improve my writing skills! Tell me what you like/don't like about my story. Thanks for your patience, guys, now I'm off to write again! I don't know how long the next chapter will take, or how long it will _be, _or anything... mind you, college starts in three weeks, and I have loads of other stuff to do now... I'll try to write as fast as I can, promise. Stay tuned!

Toodles!


	16. Chapter 15

**Summary:** His life had always been perfect, or at least so Roxas had liked to think. But overcoming his own fears for someone else isn't as easy as it seems. When both his own and his lover's past threatens their unstable relationship, Roxas has to face the truth: His life was far from perfect. But at least it was better than Axel's.

**Warnings:** Oh, you know. The usual stuff. What? Drama? Eh... not... yet.

**Pairings:** AkuRoku main, RikuxSora, ZexionxDemyx side pairings. Possible LeonxCloud later on. Much, much later though.

**Disclaimer:** Hmmmmmmmmmm... nooooooooooo. The characters in this story are not mine, and I do not make a profit out of this. This story is written for **_your entertainment_** only!

**Chapter Dedication:** **Kuraieshi**, because I love her. If you didn't check out her DeviantArt gallery yet, go and do it, because she's an awesome artist! Gawd, I do so _not _deserve you, my lovely... Thank you so much for... being you! And for your pretty, pretty pictures! And for reading my mind! xD

**Riku-stalker**, because I love her too. Ha, don't I have much love to give? xP Oh well. Keep being awesome, Sweetie! Oh, we'll have so much to ramble about in our next mails, won't we? THREE NEW KH GAMES!! FRICK!!!!! xD

Oh, and both of you, don't you _dare_ to neglect school because of me! I mean it! ):

Aaaaaand, once again, **kotilo**, for another hilariously funny picture, drawn in between baking cakes... Wow. Gawd, nothing beats Roxy in his Funky Crack Star PJs! It still makes me laugh! Ha, and don't forget the kittens next time you draw something! xD

**Thanks to:** Now on to the _difficult _part... thank new reviewers without forgetting anybody...

**X3 Dance to the beat, i luv Zexion but he loves Demyx, Kiagou-chan, nyantea, CountessKitsune, delayed-reaction, strange'eagle, harajuku96, Verscilith, Razzbarries, SilverWhiteDragon, socksrockmyworld, 3-2-1xGLOMP, endmylifeatTwilight15**

I think that was it... for this chapter. Fuck, I'm still baffled so many new reviewers are to mention every chapter! O.O Not to mention so many of you guys still think my story is worth a review! Even if you already reviewed! Wow! Thank you all so much! And remember, if you weren't mentioned in this chapter or in one of the previous ones yet, it means I was being a dork and overlooked your name... If that's the case, PM me, dammit! Because all of you get mentioned at least once!

Really, if it wasn't for you guys who reviewed, this story would have taken much longer to write (Nope, that doesn't mean this is the last chapter. Duh!)... Yes, even longer than it already _does_! x(

But, enough! Enjoy!**

* * *

**

**Perfect Match - Chapter 15**

Roxas looked up when someone opened the door to the bathroom, where he was trying to fix his hair, without asking. Part of him expected it to be Axel, but instead Sora entered the big bathroom, closing the door behind him and sitting on the edge of the bathtub.

Roxas looked at his twin's reflection in the mirror confused. Sora seemed to take really great interest in the rug on the floor, and he played with his gloves again...

"Sora?" Roxas asked after a while, running a hand through his hair one last time before turning around. Wow, he had never been this fast in the morning... He was still in Riku's ten minutes limit. He had just thrown on some clothes, black pants and a black and white checkered belt, a t-shirt with a black and white checkered pattern on it, and a short black jacket, his trademark wristband and one black and one white finger band, his pendant attached to a chain on his belt today.

Yes, he liked black and white checkers. So what?

Sora didn't answer, but started to play with his crown pendant instead of his gloves. He was wearing all black today, save the red and blue belt and his yellow sneakers. He even wore his black gloves instead of his usual black and white and yellow ones. Odd.

"Sora? What's wrong?" Roxas asked worriedly, sitting next to his brother and laying an arm around his twin's shoulders.

"Nothing, nothing..." Sora mumbled, still staring down at the rug, then at his hands. "I just... wanted to thank..."

"It's alright," Roxas interrupted him gently, already guessing what Sora wanted to say.

Sora nodded and smiled, then looked up and stared at the mirror in front of them.

"He doesn't even seem to be sad about it anymore," he murmured softly. "You know, Riku. He... He is still scared, but he is so _calm_... I think I would _never_ be able to laugh again if something like this happened to me..."

"I know what you mean," Roxas sighed and laid his head on Sora's shoulder, also staring at the mirror. It was scaring him to hear Sora say things like that. It scared him even more to see him like this, with a strange, tired expression on his usually happy face and faint dark circles under his abnormally dull eyes. But he really knew how his brother was feeling... Maybe it was some kind of bond twins share. He knew Sora felt bad for Riku, he knew Sora tried to act like what he had learned the day before didn't affect him or his relationship with the silver haired teen. And he knew Sora felt miserable for showing his weakness last night, even though Roxas didn't think his brother was weak because of this. It was only natural to be sad after hearing something terrible like this had happened to someone's boyfriend... In fact Roxas admired his brother's strength and determination. He always had.

Really, what had happened to the other boys had been horrible, but Riku had had endured his brother's wrath most of his _life_. And yet Sora had not broken down crying like Roxas had, no, he had tried to comfort the other boy. Sora was so much stronger than Roxas in so many ways...

"Anyway... Thank you for... being here," Sora said, smiling at his brother's reflection in the mirror. "I don't know what I would do without you."

"Same here," Roxas replied and smiled too.

Sora nodded, then a wide, typical Sora-grin lightened up his face again. Even his eyes seemed to brighten a bit, making Roxas feel much more at ease. It was so much better to see Sora happy, even if a small trace of sadness remained in his bright blue eyes.

"Sooooo... you and Axel, hu?" Sora said, nudging his twin with an elbow and winking at him.

"Yep," Roxas affirmed, unable to suppress a slaphappy smile himself. A warm and fuzzy and tingly feeling blossomed deep within him when he thought of the beautiful redhead, making him want to sigh or squeal or laugh or cry... or all at the same time. His smile widened even more, and when he looked back into the mirror he saw a faint blush dusting his cheeks. He giggled a little embarrassed, trying to hide it from his brother. No avail of course.

"You really like him, don't you?" Sora chuckled, hiding his grin behind a hand.

"What gave me away?" Roxas asked sarcastically, rolling his eyes. "Me always staring at him, me always blushing when he's around, me starting to stutter every time he's near me..."

"Those were signs for a really bad crush, yeah," Sora answered shrugging. Then he smiled again, raising a hand to ruffle Roxas' hair lightly. Roxas swatted his hand away with a protesting growl, instantly running his fingers through his spiky blond locks. Not that it looked differently than before, but he needed to look _perfect_ today... even _more_ perfect than every other day. Again he felt his heartbeat speed up and his insides tingle when he thought about his, and could no longer suppress the happy sigh that fell from his lips, _boyfriend_...

"But what tells me you really _like_ him is that you didn't freak out..." Sora continued smiling, and Roxas stopped his attempts to make his hair look even more spiky and swirly and perfect than it already did. He lowered his hands again, raising both brows at his twin's reflection questioningly.

"I _did_ freak out on him a few times, Sora," he replied confused. "What do you mean?"

"Roxas," Sora said calmly, turning around to finally look at his twin directly. Roxas looked back at him, frowning as he noticed how serious Sora suddenly had become. "Did you even realize Axel was in your room?"

Roxas opened his mouth to reply to that... when suddenly Sora's words hit him like a slap in the face.

Axel had been in his room.

A cold shiver ran down his spine.

_Axel_.

His fingers grew cold and numb.

_His room._

He felt his heart beat slower and slower, felt the blood drain from his face.

_Axel_ had been in his _room_!

His room, where nobody but him and Sora had ever been... The room none of his test subjects had ever seen from the inside... His room, his _sanctuary_... The place where he hid from the world, the place he went to when he wanted to cry, to think... the place where he dreamed of a better life... where he dreamed... of...

_Axel had been in his room!_

"You _didn't_ realize it," Sora stated amazed, but Roxas could barely hear him over the sound of his heart beating painfully slow. "Wow, you must _really_ like him..."

Roxas couldn't reply anything to that. Confused thoughts were buzzing through his mind, dazing him, making him feel dizzy... He noticed his cold hands started to shake, and he balled them into fists weakly.

Axel had been in his fucking room! The only place where Roxas _always_ had been his real self... This cruel, no-good, useless, unlovable, despicable, hateful, detestable, horrible creature he really was...

"Roxas?" He felt Sora shake him lightly. He heard the worried undertone in his brother's voice, but somehow... it didn't feel _real_.

Why was it suddenly so cold in here? Why was it so _dark_? Even the bright halogen spot lights illuminating the mirror seemed dimmed.

"Why was he in my room?" he whispered finally, staring at his reflection in the mirror again. He was rather pale... well, he didn't feel too well... He could already feel panic knotting his innards, could feel bile rising up in his throat, burning and tasting bitter. He felt so _sick_... felt so _cold_...

"Because he was worried about you," Sora said calmingly, rubbing his back with one hand. "He came down and said you ran away and he wanted to know how to get into your room... I told him there was only one door and that you have the only key, but he just grabbed Riku and... well..."

"That idiot climbed onto my balcony!" Roxas shrieked hysterically, finally remembering what had happened, fisting both of his clammy, numb hands in his carefully styled, blond hair and staring at the floor wide-eyed. "He could have hurt himself! Why did he do that? Why did he... _Why was he in my room_?"

_He could have hurt himself, he could have fallen down and hurt himself, he could have died, it would have been my fault, my fault, myfaultmyfaultmyfault..._

"He's pretty good at climbing," Sora replied lightly. How could he stay so calm? _It would have been Roxas' fault!_ "You should have seen him, he was up there really _fast_. And he's pretty agile. Must be because of his dancing and stuff. He even asked me if it was easier to get to your balcony from the roof... Woah, Roxy, _breathe_!"

Roxas felt like hyperventilating now. He panted for air desperately, but his throat seemed to be constricted by fear and panic, and hadn't Sora held him he would have fallen to the floor... He felt so _sick_... The fucking roof? The fucking house was three stories high! He could have... he could have...

_He could have died! He was in my room, he knows who I am, he can see who I am, he can see how ugly and horrible and despicable I am, my fault, my fault, **my fault**..._

"Roxas, calm down!" Sora ordered unusually strict, grabbing both his shoulders and forcing him to look at his twin, identical pairs of cerulean eyes locking, one pair calm and a bit worried, the other opened wide, panicked. "Nothing happened! Axel knew what he was doing, and Riku would have caught him anyway if he had fallen down, so calm down!"

"Why was he in my room?" Roxas whispered choked, not really understanding what Sora was saying... He still felt like he was going crazy... Guilt and fear and self-hate returned to him full force, paralyzing him and making him shake in his brother's arms. How could Axel still want to be with him? He had been in Roxas' room! He had to have seen... had to have felt... He had to _know_... How could he _not_ see the ugliness of Roxas' soul? _He had been in his room!_

"I told you, because he was worried about you," Sora repeated, smiling at Roxas softly. Roxas still wasn't able to understand what his brother was saying, he was too numbed and terrified and confused. He tried to decipher the meaning of his twin's kind words, but he couldn't. "He thought you were mad at him. And he said he heard you cry... He was close to freaking out himself, I think because he thought it was his fault."

"He was in my _room_, Sora..." Roxas breathed again, blinking confused when his twin hugged him. He could see their reflection in the mirror again, and he was shocked to see how pale he was, how sharply his suddenly so pallid skin contrasted with Sora's light tan... how dull and frightened his eyes looked...

"I know. But that's a _good_ thing, Roxas," Sora said, squeezing him before letting go again. Roxas slowly turned his head to stare at him. Was he crazy? How could this be a good thing? "It's a good thing because _you didn't mind_ he was there," Sora explained, and something in his eyes and his voice told Roxas to think about it, even if it was difficult, so difficult to concentrate on something other than the fear and disorientation he was feeling. "That's a good sign, right?"

Roxas didn't answer. He guessed it was a good sign... Had it been anybody else he would have probably attacked this person. He had done that once, when one of his test subjects had only _tried_ to look into his room... The poor girl had been terrified when he had started yelling at her and had pushed her away so roughly she had fallen to the floor...

He had been so... so surprised to see the redhead in his room, had felt so happy and relieved when Axel had asked him to be his boyfriend... He hadn't wasted a thought on the fact that Axel had been in his room.

But now he was so _scared_. Scared that Axel would somehow find out what he had done... Sure, he knew he would have let the redhead into his room eventually, but... but... He hadn't been _prepared_! It had happened so _fast_...

"Don't worry about it, Roxy," Sora interrupted his panicked thoughts gently. "I know what you think. You are afraid Axel could have second thoughts about you and him being together, am I right?"

Roxas nodded slowly, clamping a hand over his mouth to stifle a loud gasp. It sounded so horrible...

"He won't change his mind about you just because he was in your room," Sora continued softly, hugging his twin tight once again. "It's only a _room_, Roxas, not more. Please, don't worry so much about it."

Only a room. Yes. It was only a room. But...

"Come on, Roxy. We have to go, we're already late," Sora sighed and grabbed his hand to pull him up. Roxas nodded dazedly and followed his brother downstairs to the dining room. He didn't know what to feel anymore. He was so confused and numb, and he let himself be dragged down the stairs by his brother without being able to resist. He almost tripped one time, grabbing the railing, startling his brother who seemed to ask him if he was alright. He just nodded, still feeling like he was far, far away. He thought he even managed to smile, and he continued down the stairs, clutching his twin's hand tightly.

But he stopped and let go of Sora's hand at the door.

Zexion was reading again, Demyx was reading over the other boy's shoulder, and Axel and Riku were staring at each other... Riku seemed to be still in shock, his aquamarine eyes wide open, whereas Axel wore a smug grin, emerald eyes sparkling.

Roxas' gaze got caught when falling on the redhead. Axel was sitting at the table, in this navy blue shirt and dark blue jeans, and he had rolled up the sleeves of his shirt, probably because he had torn the left sleeve when he had climbed up onto the balcony... Two silver chains were attached to his belt, and a thin, black leather strap was slung around his slender neck a few times. He was wearing fingerless gloves now though; Roxas didn't remember those from before...

He looked almost indecently handsome in this simple attire. It should be illegal to look good like that.

Why was he still smiling? Why was he still _here_? Why hadn't he run away yet? Why did he look so _happy_?

Roxas forced himself to take a deep breath, hugging himself in a desperate attempt to stop himself from shaking.

Demyx was the first one to notice them, and he smiled at the twins briefly, but the smile turned into a frown, and he looked at Roxas again. He nudged Zexion who glanced up too.

"About time," the blue-haired boy said, startling the other boys out of their staring contest when he slammed his book shut. "We have to go anyway."

"Sunshine, there you are!" Axel said grinning, looking up... but then he frowned, jumping up, rushing over to him and laying an arm around Roxas' waist affectionately.

Roxas couldn't help but shy away from him, feeling slightly choked and sick once again when he met worried emerald eyes.

"What's wrong?" he heard Axel ask him worried, feeling panic clouding his thoughts once again.

_He knows! He knows, he knows, he knows..._

"Sunshine? Roxas?" Axel cupped Roxas' cheek with a gentle hand, the fabric of those gloves feeling a bit rough on his skin. "Are you alright? You look so pale..."

_Why is he worried? Why does he touch me? Can't he see? Can't he feel how contemptible I am?_

"He's fine," Sora's calm voice cut through the fear that was dazing Roxas. "He's just nervous. He thinks his boyfriend might have second thoughts..."

Roxas' head jerked around, and he stared at his grinning twin shocked, feeling his mouth falling open in surprise. Even his fear was forgotten for a moment.

Sora had just _not_ said that!

"Is that so?" Goddammit, and now Axel sounded amused!

Roxas flinched away when Axel's hand moved to lift Roxas' head to face the redhead again.

"Roxas, look at me," Axel ordered gently, and Roxas couldn't help but look. It took him a few seconds to remember to breathe when he looked straight into beautiful emerald eyes.

Where was the disgust he had expected to see in them?

"Do you really think that?" Axel asked him, smiling at him tenderly. The sweet tone of his voice made Roxas feel choked up and awful and hot and wonderful at the same time. It was a very odd feeling.

"I..." Roxas heard himself croak, feeling weak and lost and... _unworthy_ of that caring look Axel was giving him.

"Do you really think I would have done all of this if I didn't really mean it?" Axel continued when Roxas fell silent again. "Do you really think I would have kissed you yesterday? Do you think I would have said all the things I said?" The redhead laughed lightly, laying one hand above his heart. "Sunshine, I'm hurt! Do you really think I would confess my feelings to you if I didn't really mean them?"

"I... don't... know..." Roxas whispered, the world starting to spin around him. He didn't know _anything_. Why didn't the redhead push him away? He didn't _understand_ it!

"Do you think I would climb onto balconies for anyone?" Axel joked, gasping surprised and catching Roxas when the blond boy flopped down limply, holding him close and gazing down at him worried again. "What's wrong with you?" he wanted to know, grazing Roxas' forehead with his fingers briefly. "Fuck, you're ice cold! Are you feeling sick? Roxas?"

Roxas did notice the almost panicked undertone in his crimson haired angel's beautiful voice, but he couldn't do anything but raise his arms and close them around the redhead's thin waist, returning the gentle embrace the best he could, even though he felt so unbelievably small and feeble right now...

"What's wrong with him?" he heard Riku ask surprised, and he heard Zexion answer him something he didn't quite catch... He didn't care. He was content with just staying like this.

Relief washed over him, leaving him weak and trembling, and he could just not believe it...

_He still likes me!_

Hadn't been so many people here he would have cried out of the pure bliss he was feeling. But they _were_, so he just pressed his face against Axel's shoulder and took deep, steady breaths to calm himself down, taking in the familiar scent of cinnamon and caramel, like burnt sugar...

He felt relieved, but at the same time so guilty... Guilty for feeling relieved, he guessed. The fact Axel still couldn't see his true nature, even though he had been in his room, didn't make it _go away_. Wasn't it wrong to make the redhead believe he was... _Sunshine_? So innocent and cute and pure, when really he was nothing like this? He was tainted, and scarred, and he didn't deserve to be treated like this...

Axel was bound to find out some day... Wasn't it better to end it here? To spare them the pain of a heartbreak?

But then he looked up again, losing himself in cat-like, brilliant emerald eyes, and he _couldn't_.

He was selfish. He didn't want Axel to look at him any other way than this. He didn't want this dream to end. He wanted to become the person Axel saw in him. He wanted to be 'Sunshine' for the redhead. What he had done had been wrong, but it was the past... He needed to change. He needed to become worthy of being with Axel. He would do everything to keep those beautiful green eyes looking at him like this, so caring and full of warmth.

He smiled, stubbornly holding back tears that were burning behind his eyes.

"I'm fine," he said, surprised himself how steady his voice sounded. "Just... a bit nervous, I guess."

"Why? Afraid our Drama Queen might take a liking to snogging you in public?" Riku asked grinning. Axel threw him a dirty look. "What? You didn't have a problem with sucking air out of his lungs in front of Sora and me. Don't act like you didn't already think of molesting him during our lunch break today," Riku added, smirking smugly when a faint blush tinged the redhead's cheeks.

Roxas had to smile at this. Axel was too cute sometimes.

And it sounded really weird when Riku talked like this. Sora seemed to think so too, because he slapped the silver haired boy's shoulder warningly. Riku didn't even seem to mind anymore.

"Go braid ribbons in your hair or something, pretty boy," Axel snarled, narrowing his eyes at Riku, who just stuck out his tongue at him. Axel returned the gesture, equally childish, then turned to look at Roxas again, worry sweeping over his features once again.

"Are you really sure you are alright?" he asked gently, brushing his fingers over Roxas' cheek lightly. The delicate touch made Roxas shiver, but this time it was a _good_ kind of shivering. He didn't feel cold anymore.

"You're really looking kind of pale," Zexion agreed calmly. Demyx nodded, looking at Roxas with big, worried eyes.

"I'm okay, really," Roxas insisted, suddenly feeling embarrassed about worrying everybody like this. Really, he was acting irrationally. It didn't matter that Axel had seen his room. It was only a _room_. It didn't make the redhead see what he had done in the past. "We should go, we're already late..."

"If you insist," Axel sighed, then a wicked smirk pulled at his thin lips, and he leered at Roxas, leaning a bit closer. "But... are you really sure you want to go to school? You are looking so pale... And you are feeling so... cold..." The smirk widened even more when Roxas frowned at him surprised. "I could stay with you at home if you want." He leaned closer, adding "To... warm you up..." in a deep, husky voice.

Roxas blinked and felt hot blood rush to his cheeks when he finally grasped the meaning of those words, gaping at the redhead unbelievingly.

Demyx started to laugh. It was rather surprising to hear the clear, amused sound, but soon enough Sora joined him, and even Riku chuckled quietly. Zexion hid a smile behind a hand discreetly.

"Pervert," Roxas mumbled, slapping Axel's arm. The redhead just grinned even broader.

"You were right, he _is_ adorable when he's blushing," Demyx said, surprising everybody. He stood up smiling and grabbed his book bag, slinging it over his shoulder.

"Demyx!" Axel gasped in mock surprise. "Do I have a reason to get jealous?"

"Nope," Demyx answered, grasping Zexion's hand gently and grinning almost as wide as the redhead. "But he _is_."

Zexion just rolled his eyes. Well. The visible one. "We have to go, guys. We're already late," he said calmly. Everybody nodded and grabbed their bags, ready to go.

But when Roxas wanted to follow Axel and the others out of the room Demyx held him back.

Roxas looked at the other blond surprised. Demyx smiled.

"I'm glad he told you what he feels for you," he said, playing with the longer strands that weren't styled in his mullet and were framing his face. "So... You two are together now? Riku said so. And Sora did, too..."

"I guess," Roxas replied unsure, smiling sheepishly when Demyx giggled amused.

"I guess so too," he said, then he grew more serious. "Roxas... I have to ask you again... not to hurt him. You know what happened. The last flashback, back at the party... it almost killed him to know he hurt you..."

"I know," Roxas murmured, looking down at his hands and starting to pluck at his wristband nervously.

"He really likes you," Demyx said smiling. "I made Riku drag him the whole way here because he was so nervous..." He stopped himself when he saw Roxas' hurt expression, waving his hands around nervously. "No, no, I didn't mean it like that! He _wanted_ to come here! But he was nervous, because he thought you'd be mad at him. He thought you'd say no..."

"How could I?" Roxas replied, smiling relieved for a second, but then he grew serious again. "And don't worry... I won't hurt him anymore. I want to do everything I can to make him happy."

"I'm glad to hear that." Demyx nodded smiling and sighed. "It's good to see him laugh again," he said softly. "It's almost like back when we were kids... He seems to get better." He looked at Roxas thoughtfully. "I think that's because of you."

"Me?" Roxas pointed at himself, dumbfounded. He didn't really think that... He thought all he had done yet had only made Axel more miserable. Like the kiss at the party. Or him yelling at the redhead. Or...

"I think you are good for him," Demyx confirmed. Then he did something that caught Roxas pretty off-guard.

He _hugged_ Roxas. It was an awkward, careful hug, but a hug nonetheless.

"Take care of him, Roxas," Demyx whispered before letting go again, seeming a bit more nervous than before. But then he smiled again and looked at a point behind Roxas. "Hey, Axel." He waved at the redhead who had shown up again.

"I think I _do_ have a reason to be jealous," the redhead growled playfully and embraced Roxas from behind, pulling him close protectively. Roxas was sure his face matched Axel's hair, as he blushed heavily when he felt his body being pressed flush against a taller, lankier one. "Mine!" was purred right next to his ear, making the fine hair on the back of his neck stand on end.

Demyx just shook his head and walked away smiling.

"What were you two talking about, hm?" Axel asked while nudging Roxas' ear with his nose. Damn, did that feel _nice_...

"About _you_ of course," Roxas answered and grinned as Axel chuckled quietly.

"Only about my personal advantages, I hope," Axel replied and grasped Roxas' wrist, playing with the wristband absentmindedly. "Are you really feeling well?" he asked more serious. "If it makes you that nervous, maybe we should..."

_... break up._

"... keep it a secret," the redhead finished his sentence. Roxas held back a relieved sigh. "I know, all of this happened really fast, and if you're not comfortable with telling your friends yet..."

Roxas turned around in Axel's arms, hoping his smile showed at least a little how wonderful he was feeling this very moment.

"I would never want to keep you a secret," he whispered, pressing a chaste, gentle kiss to the redhead's lips, smiling when he felt Axel's arms tighten a bit around him.

"Even if I take a liking to snogging you in public?" Axel asked smirking. "Or molest you during our lunch break? I think I have to warn you, I might act... a bit strange around you from now on... I tend to do silly things when I'm happy..."

"Even then," Roxas replied softly, even though he was sure he was blushing like mad now. "You can act as strange around me as you want. I don't care."

"Okay then," Axel sighed, sounding relieved. He smiled at Roxas, making him feel weak and giddy again. "We should really go now." He looked at a clock on the wall, frowning slightly. "In fact, we should _run_."

* * *

They really had to run to get to school in time. Roxas had to eat his breakfast, a self-baked croissant Zexion had saved for him, while they were running. Not what he called a real breakfast, as it did not contain marshmallows in any form. But he had to admit the croissant tasted better than any he had eaten before. Not even the ones his mother always bought in this expensive bakery every time she was at home tasted like these. He just wished he could have eaten it more slowly... preferably sitting... maybe with a nice, hot cup of coffee, black as the devil's soul...

Oh well. _Nothing_ could dampen his mood today!

Not even the lecture he, Demyx and Zexion received when they showed up for Biology ten minutes too late.

Not even the huge amount of love letters raining down on him when he opened his locker in the next break. They seemed to grow more and more each day... How did those people get them into his locker anyway? Strange.

Not even the thunderstorm that was hitting the island later that morning. No, he found the soft clattering of rain drops against the glass rather relaxing. He just hoped it would stop raining until school ended, because he didn't bring an umbrella with him...

But then he had a vision of him and Axel... kissing in the rain... both of them drenched, but none of them caring... seeking shelter somewhere nobody would disturb them, freeing themselves of their cold, wet clothes...

... aaaaaaaand he had to concentrate really hard on what their teacher was telling them, because somehow this image kept popping up whenever he let his mind wander... An image of Axel looking at him, his beautiful green eyes burning with passion, and his wet, red hair framing his pale face... drops of crystal clear water dripping from fiery strands, leaving wet trails on his flushed skin as he...

_Concentrate! Goddammit!_

He really tried his best to follow the lesson, but he couldn't get this stupid, dreamy grin off his face. So he tried to keep his head down the whole lesson, scribbling silly doodles into his notebook. He was actually angry when it stopped raining and the sun broke through the clouds again.

The only thing that irked him was... he didn't have classes with his _boyfriend_ the whole morning... So he would have to wait until lunch break to see him again...

And he felt strangely nervous about that.

After the third lesson he went to his locker, chatting with Hayner, Olette and Selphie as they strolled down the hallways, not really paying attention to the conversation... His mind was elsewhere...

"... and then she asked me what I did at this year's midsummer festival, and I told her about the bonfire and..." Selphie babbled, interrupting herself when she noticed Hayner and Olette gesturing her to stop frantically.

Roxas continued to smile, but it grew a bit colder as he looked at Selphie, staying silent.

"Err... No, of course I didn't tell her about... what..." Selphie tried to save, blushing embarrassedly. "Sorry, Roxas, I didn't want... to... remind you..."

She stopped when Roxas started to laugh, staring at him confused. As did Hayner and Olette.

Right. They didn't know yet.

Roxas didn't say anything. He just turned and opened his locker, ignoring his friends' confused looks. He frowned, as letters fell out of the locker again... Hadn't he just thrown all of them away? And was there a perfumed one somewhere under them? His locker sure smelled like it... Yuck!

He smiled when a slender hand clad in a fingerless glove caught one of the letters, looking up to the redhead who suddenly stood next to him, leaning against the locker next to Roxas' and opening the pink letter smirking.

"My, my... young love..." Axel said grinning, bright green eyes skimming curvy handwriting interested. He, too, ignored Hayner, Olette and Selphie who were staring at him surprised.

"Give that back, Axel," Roxas said smiling, snatching the letter out of the redhead's hand, his smile growing even wider when their hands touched briefly. His heart beat so loudly he thought everybody had to hear it... but it felt _good_. It felt _wonderful_. It felt _right_.

"Hey, gotta know what my competitors have to say about you," Axel protested grinning. He leaned down to look deeply into Roxas' eyes. "Did you know that the radiance of your lovely cerulean eyes rivals the beauty of the moonshine on the calm sea in a serene summer night?"

Roxas couldn't help but giggle at this, shoving Axel away a bit. He had the strong suspicion his cheeks were already colored a light pink again, but this time it didn't annoy him like it usually did.

"Hey, that's not what the letter is saying, you moron," he laughed, blushing when Axel grasped his hand to raise it to his mouth, grazing his skin with his lips briefly.

"No, but it's true," Axel replied in a low voice, not at all minding the odd stares they were receiving already. Behind him Roxas could hear Selphie squeal delightfully.

Oh well. He _had_ warned Roxas he could start to act a bit strange around him. Roxas grinned inwardly, deciding to take this game a bit further. Only to see how Axel would react of course. Of _course_!

He sighed dreamily, batting his eyelashes the cutest way he could.

"Oh, Axel," he breathed, his voice dripping of pure innocence, sweet and sticky like honey.

"Yes, my dear Roxas?" Axel played along, grabbing Roxas around his waist and pulling him close, obviously fighting to keep his expression cool and serious.

"_Ohmygod_, do you see that?" Selphie whispered behind them.

Roxas could hear a few of their bystanders gasp and murmur surprised, and from the corners of his eyes he could see many people had stopped to watch them. He had to fight the laughter bubbling up in his stomach.

He threw his arms around Axel's neck in the most theatrical way possible, faking an adoring sigh. He hadn't to fake it much though.

"Axel, my brave hero," he cooed loud enough for everybody to hear. "Hold me forever in your strong arms... Let me feel safe in your embrace until I have to leave this place..."

Absolute silence followed his words. He had to press his lips together to suppress a giggle. Oh dear...

He gasped when Axel suddenly leaned forward, bending Roxas back in the process, making Roxas feel like the heroine in a really bad romance movie...

"My beloved, there is nothing I'd rather do than hold you close forever, feel your heart beat close to mine," Axel spoke, his voice full of faked passion, grasping Roxas' hand to hold it against his chest, his other arm holding Roxas in place. Laughter danced in his bright green eyes, but his voice was steady. And even though Roxas knew it was only acting, his words and gentle smile made his heart beat faster.

"Alas, I can't!" the redhead continued dramatically, feigning a sad sigh and looking to the side briefly, then whipping his head around to stare at Roxas again, brightly colored hair swishing gently around his head. "But fear not, oh my blue-eyed angel, you loveliest of all the celestial beings watching over us humble humans, as I will find a way to come back to you. Wait for me, oh gorgeous one! Do not give your heart away to another man while I'm gone, because doing this you would shatter mine..."

"Never!" Roxas cried, ignoring their audience and still trying to keep the laughter down. He closed his eyes and laid the back of his hand on his forehead in a highly dramatical way. "I cannot give my heart away, as you have already stolen it, with your sweet words and even sweeter smile... I will wait for you, my love, forever and ever!"

"Oh, okay," Axel said, standing straight again and letting go of Roxas. "I'll see you at lunch then?"

"Yeah, sure," Roxas replied as calmly as he could, waving at the redhead as he walked away whistling.

Oh God, he felt like breaking down laughing now...

Instead he slammed his locker shut and turned around to his friends, who were staring at him, mouths and eyes wide open. Well, in Hayner's and Olette's case. Selphie was grinning at him dreamily.

It took every ounce of self-control Roxas possessed not to laugh out loud and ruin his and Axel's little show again. He didn't trust his voice anymore, so he just nodded in his friends' direction and hurried to get away.

But he couldn't help but start to laugh when he heard loud shrieking and wailing and yelling creating a boisterous chaos behind him. He leaned against the wall for support, slowly sliding down to sit on the floor, still holding his stomach which had already started to hurt because he still tried to keep the volume of his laughter down...

"DID YOU SEE THAT??"

"Oh GOD! That was like..."

"It looked like they were going to..."

"Roxas Harada is _gay_?"

"No fucking way in _hell_!"

"HOLY CRAP, that was friggin' HAWT!!!"

"What does that mean? Are they..."

"Nonononono! They can't be!"

"Why the hell not? They looked so sweet together..."

"Did you see how they looked at each other?"

"Noooooooooooo!"

"But I love him!"

"No, _I_ love him!"

"Eh... which one?"

"BOTH!! As long as they are together!! Do they look adorable together or what?"

"... You're so strange, Selphie..."

"Yeah, and Roxas is mine!"

"But Axel is way hotter!"

"_What_?"

"I see you don't have to feel nervous about Axel being a drama queen," someone behind Roxas suddenly said, just loud enough to drown out the racket around the corner. "You're almost as bad as he is." He paused for a moment. "Only more girly. Nice almost-swoon there."

Roxas looked up still chuckling, trying to say something, but a new fit of giggles hindered him when he heard a few girls start to argue if or if not he and Axel should have kissed.

Riku smirked down at him, shaking his head. He brushed his silver hair behind his ear with a hand and sighed, rolling his aquamarine eyes in a faked irritated manner.

"Really, you two are a match made in heaven," he said teasingly, smirking again as he watched Roxas taking deep, weary breaths and trying to stand up again. "Did you actually plan that little scene there?"

"N... Nope," Roxas panted, rubbing his hurting cheek. Damn, he never knew laughing could hurt so much... "It was purely improvised." And it had been so much fun! Heck, he had never thought he could have this much fun making a fool out of himself... a few months back something like this would have been unthinkable! Roxas Harada playing the... _girl_? Never!

To think a few hours ago he had been close to a mental breakdown out of pure self-hate... Dammit, what had Axel done to make him this...

...happy?

He grinned and outstretched a hand to the silver haired teen. "Would you mind helping me up?"

He wanted to take the words back as soon as they had left his mouth, and he yanked his hand back abruptly when Riku froze, the grin on his face fading away. The older boy took a small step back, fisting one hand around the strap of his book bag, the other one closing around the hem of his jacket. He seemed to be even paler than usual, if that was possible.

Roxas hurried to his feet, grabbing his bag and holding it close to his chest protectively. To protect himself from Riku or Riku from him, he wasn't sure. "I'm sorry," he said quickly, suddenly feeling ashamed.

Just because Riku didn't mind Sora being near him anymore didn't mean he allowed Roxas to touch him too. Roxas felt bad, because he knew very well why Riku acted so scared and jumpy...

"No, no, it's alright," Riku forced out, smiling a little pained. He sighed and rubbed his eyes wearily, turning around and starting to walk away. "C'mon, we'll be late for Sociology class."

Roxas followed him quickly, trying to think of something to say but failing. The silence between them was so awkward...

"Hey, Roxas?" Riku said suddenly, so quietly Roxas almost didn't understand him. As if he wasn't sure if he actually wanted to say something.

"Yes?" he replied only a bit louder, noticing how Riku chewed on his lip nervously. He smiled. This had to be about Sora. Nothing else made the silver haired teen nervous like that.

"When... when is your birthday?" Riku asked, trying to sound casual. And failing. Horribly. It was actually funny to hear his voice wavering like that.

"Third of June," Roxas replied and grinned. "Sora's is on the second, if you wanted to know that."

Bullseye.

Riku's pale cheeks darkened slightly as he stared at Roxas surprised.

"You two have different birthdays?" he repeated confusedly. Roxas chuckled at his dumbfounded expression.

"Yep, Sora is eight minutes older than me," he explained cheerfully. "He was born four minutes before midnight, I was four minutes past. Hence we can throw two birthday parties every year..."

"Oh." Riku nodded. "Okay." They continued down the hallway in silence, until Roxas heard the older boy mutter a quiet "Thank you."

"No problem," he stated grinning. "Just be a good boyfriend and remember to get him something nice, will you?"

Riku scowled at him, but Roxas chose to ignore the dark look the silver haired teen was shooting him. They had arrived at their class anyway.

* * *

The whole lesson Roxas had to fight against his own amusement. Three girls, who entered the room after him and Riku, had obviously witnessed his and Axel's... encounter. They whispered loudly for the first half of the lesson, until Mr. Valentine told them to shut up.

"I don't care if anybody is together with anybody else, or if anyone should or should not have kissed", he said, his deep, calm voice cutting through the silence. "And the only thing _you _should worry about is the test you have to write next week."

"We don't have a test next week," somebody dared to protest. He froze when cold, crimson eyes locked with his.

An eerie, icy cold smirk found it's way on an unhealthy pale face.

"Yes..." Mr. Valentine whispered into the silence. "Yes, _now_ you do."

Nobody dared to speak up again.

* * *

Roxas grinned the whole way to the cafeteria, fidgeting with his hands while walking next to Riku, ignoring curious stares and whispers.

The cafeteria was already crowded. Roxas had difficulties spotting his friends and his brother at two tables at the far end, Sora sitting with Zexion and Demyx and chatting with them animatedly. He waved and started to move through the crowd, Riku right behind him, careful to avoid any kind of contact with other students.

"Hey, hey Roxas! Roxaaaaaaaas!!"

He grinned when a yellow ball of energy latched onto his arm as soon as he reached the tables, huge, deep green eyes looking up at him pleadingly.

"Roxas, tell me! Tell meeeeee!" Selphie begged, shaking his arm. "Come on! Tell me! Tellmetellmetellme..."

"If _you_ would tell me what you're talking about?" Roxas replied, grinning at his other friends. "Hey, guys."

"Is it true?" Selphie asked, her eyes sparkling. "Is it really true? Come on! You know you can tell me, right? You know me since I was _this_ small..."

"... and you didn't really grow since then, but what do you _want_, Selphie?" Roxas laughed when Selphie pouted.

"Roxas, is it true?" Namine asked turning in her seat next to where Roxas was standing so she could look at him properly, grasping his other arm. "You and Axel? Are you really... you know..."

"No, I don't know," Roxas replied, feigning an innocent look. "What _exactly_ do you mean?"

"Are you and Axel together?" Tidus cried, drawing even more looks on them, causing the blond to blush.

"Oh, that..." Roxas was surprised how calm his voice sounded, despite the rest of him already _hurt_ because of holding back yet another fit of giggles. "I don't know if I should tell you... you know..." He lowered his voice and looked around secretively. "Some people tend to... yanno... broadcast everything that happens in my life all over school..."

Selphie immediately let go of him, shrinking under Roxas' gaze.

"I'm sorry, I already apologized!" she wailed, tears gathering in her big green eyes. Tidus jumped up and rushed to her side, but he avoided Roxas' gaze like the rest of them. Only Kairi, who lazily sipped her milkshake and watched the others, and Namine, who still held Roxas' arm, were still able to meet his eyes.

"Yeah, we apologized, don't be so mean," Tidus said, laying an arm around his girlfriend protectively. "We didn't mean to tell anybody what happened at the party. We were just worried about you."

"Yes, we were worried, and you acted so strangely that day too, and..." Olette added.

"We didn't actually _tell_ anybody. Some people just overheard what we were talking about," Pence said.

"Yeah, and they started to make up the parts they didn't hear," Wakka explained. "We just tried to limit the damage, and somehow..."

"Somehow we ended telling them almost everything. We _really_ thought we could limit the damage that way," Hayner said darkly. "We thought wrong, I guess. It seemed to be a good idea at that time."

"He is right, Roxas," Namine agreed softly, smiling at him calmly. "It was just a mistake. And they apologized. They even apologized to Axel, and he forgave them. You should too."

"I still don't know why we apologized to _him_ though," Hayner growled under his breath, just loud enough for Roxas to hear. "He tried to kill you after all." Roxas scowled at him and wanted to retort something angry, wanted to tell them it hadn't been Axel's fault he had had this flashback, but someone else beat him to it.

"No, Roxas," Riku said quietly, laying a hand onto his shoulder. Roxas stared at the silver haired boy speechlessly, then peered down to the hand on his shoulder. Riku didn't even seem uncomfortable this time. His aquamarine eyes were calm. From the corner of his eyes Roxas saw his brother at the other table smiling softly, watching them discreetly.

"But..." he started, but Riku just shook his head and continued to stare at him sternly.

"You know he doesn't want that," he said so quietly only Roxas could hear him. "He doesn't want anybody to know about his... condition."

Roxas was still shocked, but he understood what Riku wanted to say. He nodded reluctantly. Riku returned the gesture, then let go of his shoulder and walked away, sitting down next to Sora at the other table, frowning at Zexion when the other boy said something.

"This day gets weirder and weirder..." Namine murmured, then smiled at Roxas again. "Anyway. You and Axel?"

Roxas sighed and started to chew on his lower lip thoughtfully, staring down at his black and white Converse.

"Look, guys," he finally said, ignoring Namine's question. "I'm sorry for getting mad at you. I know you didn't mean to tell anybody. It's just..." He looked at Selphie, who was pouting miserably. "I didn't want anybody to know, and I..."

"It's okay," Tidus interrupted him. "We know. That's why we apologized."

"Yeah," Selphie agreed timidly. "We are really sorry..."

"I know." Roxas sighed. "But it was way worse for _him_, you know... He didn't want to hurt me..."

"But it damn looked like it," Hayner snarled angrily.

"It wasn't his fault," Roxas replied softly. "Don't be mad at him, okay?"

"Hm... obviously _you_ aren't mad anymore. Yesterday you still were. Why the sudden change of heart?" Namine asked innocently. "Maybe because... something happened between you two?"

"_Ohmigosh_, you mean they already had _sex_?"

Everybody turned to stare at Selphie, who suddenly sported a delighted grin and a strange sparkle in her green eyes that made Roxas feel very, _very_ uncomfortable. His face felt like it was on fire, but it couldn't be nearly as bad as Namine's. The petite blonde's face seemed to _glow_.

Kairi started to laugh, holding her stomach and banging the other fist on the table. Olette soon joined the amused girl, while all of the boys stared at Selphie, then at Roxas who rolled his eyes and shook his head.

"_What_? No, that's _not_ what I meant!" Namine protested, hiding her face behind her ever-present sketchbook, her cheeks darkening even more if it was possible.

"Oh, Nami, I never knew you were a fellow supporter of boylove..." Selphie cooed, linking her arm with the blonde girl's.

"I never knew _you_ were!" Tidus yelled appalled, attracting even more attention. "_Selphie_!"

"Oh, be quiet!" Selphie said, simply waving him aside. "Guys like to watch girls making out, girls enjoy watching guys. It's easy as that."

Tidus looked close to passing out.

"I do _not_ enjoy watching guys making out!" Namine shrieked, causing bystanders to fall silent. She groaned and hid behind her sketchbook even more.

"Oh, that's too bad," someone behind Roxas said, barely keeping amused laughter out of his voice. Roxas didn't even flinch anymore when lanky arms closed around his waist and pulled him back a bit.

"We'll have to change our plans then, Sunshine," Axel added grinning, resting his chin on Roxas' shoulder. "No molesting during lunch break. Can't defile poor Namine's virgin eyes, can we?"

"Stop sneaking up on me like that, you idiot," Roxas replied impassively, but he didn't make a move to free himself from the loose embrace. He just turned his head a bit, his lips almost touching the redhead's cheek.

"OHMIGOSH, did you see that?" Selphie shrieked, pointing at them and jumping up and down. "He kissed him! Did you see that? Namiiiiiii, did you see it?"

"No he didn't," Hayner disagreed, glancing at Roxas quizzically. "You didn't, right?"

"Would it be a problem for you?" Roxas asked, surprised himself at how soft and meek his voice sounded. "If I would do that?"

He felt the arms around him flinch, and immediately he regretted the tone he had used. But he couldn't help it. He wanted to know his friends approved of their relationship. He wanted to know they would stay with him, even if he chose to start something with Axel. He had known them for most of his life. It hurt to think about them rejecting his choice.

"What? No," Hayner said lightly, shrugging and then shaking his head. "You know I don't have a problem with that. Heck, we already had this discussion. Two years ago, when Sora had his coming-out." He shrugged again. "Hey, I just said you didn't kiss him. Because you didn't, and Fangirl #1 here seems to think you two are a couple or something."

"Would _that_ be a problem?" Axel growled, and Roxas winced when he noticed the aggressiveness in his beautiful voice. "If we _were_?"

Roxas figured his words had to have sounded like he wasn't sure about their relationship anymore. He glanced at the redhead, whose chin still rested on his shoulder, but green eyes were fixed on the people in front of them, lips pressed together in a firm line.

More and more people around them fell silent, watching the scene curiously. For a while it was silent at the table.

"You... are?" Namine finally asked, pointing at them. "Axel, do you mean... you two..."

Roxas felt Axel trying to say something... but the redhead refrained from answering, pulling away from Roxas instead and stepping back a bit. Roxas turned around, looking at the other boy surprised.

Axel just looked at him, his face blank, eyes guarded. He appeared to be waiting for something.

As did the people sitting at the tables around them. Nobody seemed to care about food anymore.

_I would never want to keep you a secret._

Those had been Roxas' words this morning. And as he was staring at the redheaded young man in front of him, who looked back at him with those beautiful emerald eyes, waiting, silently pleading for something Roxas didn't quite understand, Roxas became aware he had never spoken truer words.

He wanted everybody to know this gorgeous, dazzlingly beautiful, breathtaking boy was _his_, that those lovely, bright green eyes which shone more brilliantly than the most perfect gemstone, would only look at _him_ like this. He wanted everybody to know this handsome smile would only be directed at _him_, that only _he_ would be able to kiss those lips, that only _he_ would be allowed to weave his hands through fire red hair, to feel the flawless texture of porcelain skin.

He smiled and stepped closer, laying his hands on Axel's shoulders.

"Can I kiss you now?" he asked so quietly only the redhead was able to understand him, and he loved the way Axel's eyes lighted up and the way he smirked, and the way he pulled Roxas closer, and the way their bodies seemed to fit together so perfectly. For a moment Roxas forgot where they were, and who watched them, the only thing he could think of was _Axel_. He lost himself in those eyes, and when the redhead nodded, still smiling, his hands moved from lean shoulders to pale, tattooed cheeks and he pulled the redhead down, and he closed his eyes with a small sigh when their lips met.

It was like their first kiss, just without the surprising factor. This time Roxas knew what happened. This time he could fully enjoy it, every single second. It was sweet and gentle and he still loved it how perfectly they seemed to fit, how soft the redhead's lips felt, how sweet he tasted...

And he couldn't help but chuckle into the soft kiss when Selphie squealed and cheered loudly in the sudden, otherwise absolute silence. But he chose to ignore her, concentrating on the warm, tingling sensation, that was spreading from his lips to his fingertips, to his toes, simply _everywhere_, instead. One of his hands wandered down the redhead's neck, brushing over warm skin, and he smiled when he felt Axel shudder slightly. Axel responded by gently biting down on Roxas' lip, making the smaller boy gasp quietly.

The small sound was lost in loud cheering and yelling and crying, but neither of the two boys cared about enthusiastic cheers and one or two occasional death threats against Axel for touching Roxas. Roxas opened his eyes when Axel broke the kiss, quickly standing on his toes to press a last, lingering kiss to thin, soft lips.

"Nice," Axel whispered smiling, a mixture of relief and affection making his eyes shine.

"Yeah," Roxas agreed, still feeling giddy and a bit wobbly on his legs, but smiling nonetheless. "I could get used to this, you know..."

"You will _have to_ get used to it, Sunshine," Axel replied smugly, kissing Roxas again quickly. "I won't stop anytime soon."

"Fine with me," Roxas smirked.

"Nami! Namiiiiiiiiii!" Selphie cried behind them, shaking the blonde girl lightly. Roxas looked back over his shoulder, not making a move to free himself from the embrace. "Namiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, did you see that?"

"It was hard _not_ to see it, Selphie," Kairi answered instead, stirring her milkshake with a straw and smirking at Namine herself. "Wasn't that just like this one picture you drew three days ago?"

"A picture?" Hayner asked unbelievingly, starting to laugh when Namine blushed. "Crap, seems like Selphie was right with her 'boylove-supporter' comment after all!"

"It's not like that!" Namine replied fiercely, trying to shake Selphie off.

"What? You already drew them together?" the small brunette shrieked excitedly. "Lemme see, lemme seeeeeeee!"

"No!" Namine cried, clutching her sketchbook with both hands.

"Namiiiiii! C'mon, lemme see!" Selphie cried again, jumping around the blonde's chair enthusiastically. Then she stopped abruptly, pointing at Namine accusingly. "Waaaaaait a minute! You already knew they were together?"

"What? _No_!" Namine shook her head, blushing a bit more. "I'm as surprised as you are!"

"Why did you draw them then?" Kairi asked innocently. "The picture sure does look like they are together already..."

Selphie squealed again. Namine clutched her sketchbook even tighter.

"It's not like that!" Namine tried to explain, not able to look at Roxas and Axel, who grinned at her amusedly. "I... I just thought they fit together nicely. Color-wise, I mean. And..."

"Oh, they do, don't they?" Olette laughed, petting Namine's shoulder when the blonde hid behind her sketchbook groaning. "Of course your artistic eye caught their color matching immediately. We understand, Namine." Then she turned to smile at Roxas and Axel. "I'm so happy for you two. When did that happen?"

"Depends," Axel answered shrugging without letting go of Roxas. "We first kissed yesterday."

"Yeah, but you went all Romeo on me only today," Roxas added smiling.

"Don't tell me you didn't like it, Sunshine," Axel replied and flicked Roxas' nose. Roxas swatted his hand away laughing.

"What do you mean, he went all Romeo on you?" Kairi asked curiously.

"He meant me climbing onto his balcony," Axel answered for Roxas, grinning and shrugging when everybody at the table stared at him surprised. "What? He was being stubborn."

"You mean... you... were in his room?" Olette inquired stunned.

"Yes?" Axel said confused, raising a brow when he noticed Roxas trying to gesture his friends to stop.

"You... were _inside_ his _room_?" Kairi repeated Olette's question, obviously as taken aback as the other girl.

"Yeees," Axel repeated his answer slowly, catching Roxas' arm when the smaller boy tried to gesture something again. "Is that... bad?"

Roxas felt like he was going to faint. He didn't know why, but suddenly he felt sick and dizzy again, like this morning...

_He was in my room... He will find out what I did... He _will_... He has to see..._

"What does it _look_ like?" Hayner asked eagerly. "Everything in black and white checkers or what?"

Axel frowned confused and opened his mouth to speak, but suddenly a spiky mess of chocolate colored hair invaded his vision, as Sora jumped in front of him.

"Hey guys, you should hurry up if you want to eat something, Zexion saved some cookies for you, and lunch break is over in ten minutes so... C'mon, Roxy..." Sora grabbed Roxas' arm and yanked him away from Axel who blinked at them confused.

Roxas had difficulties breathing again, he noticed only now. He gasped for air once, hiding a choked sob in one hand as Sora dragged him over to the other table.

Okay, so he still wasn't over the fact Axel had been in his room. It was irrational and childish, but he couldn't do anything against it.

It was so _hard_. His room had been his sanctuary for more than ten years now. Not even his parents were allowed to go in there. None of his friends had ever seen it. He always cleaned it himself, and the only key was in Roxas' possession. Only Sora had been in there, but only because he already knew what Roxas had done to all those girls and boys he had taken home... Only Sora knew his true self.

It was _irrational_, but Roxas believed somehow his room could show everybody how he really was. How... damaged. And tainted. And... _not_ 'Sunshine'.

And he didn't want Axel to know. Yet. He knew he would have to tell him some time. But he didn't even want to _think_ about it today. Not today. Today was supposed to be the fucking happiest day of his life...

What was wrong with him? Why couldn't he just be happy? Why couldn't he just accept Axel liked him? Why did he have to make such a fucking drama out of everything? And why the _fuck_ couldn't he breathe properly, goddammit?

"Are you okay?" the concerned voice of his twin reached Roxas' ears, sounding oddly muffled. Roxas tried to smile, but he thought he failed when Sora laid an arm around him. But... wait... that wasn't Sora...

"Sunshine?" another voice whispered right next to his ear, sounding even more worried than his twin's. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing," he managed to rasp out, reaching out to grab a chair and leaning on it, trying to fend off the blackness invading his thoughts. He flopped down onto the chair, folding his arms on the table and hiding his face in them, closing his eyes and forcing himself to take deep breaths.

Everything was okay. Axel still liked him. He still wanted to be with him. Nothing had happened. _It was only a room_! His room didn't make him unlovable, it didn't make him a monster in Axel's eyes. Everything was _fine_.

"He's just a bit tired," he heard his brother explain calmly. "I don't think he got enough sleep last night. And all this fuss about you two... He's fine, don't worry. Cookie?"

"No, thank you," Axel replied sceptically. "You sure he is fine? He looks really pale..."

"Too little sleep, I tell you," Sora said again. "He tends to get problems with his blood pressure when he doesn't sleep enough."

"Okay..." Something in the redhead's voice told Roxas he didn't believe his brother's explanation one bit. "Fine."

Roxas looked up again, smiling weakly when he noticed the other's worried glances. He peered up at the redhead who looked back at him thoughtfully, opening his mouth to apologize and explain...

... gasping surprised when Axel bent down to pick him up, carrying him away bridal style. He threw his arms around the redhead, feeling a hot blush covering his cheeks immediately.

"What are you doing?" he hissed embarrassedly, punching Axel's shoulder lightly. "Put me _down_!"

"Nope," was the only answer he got. That, and a dark look that made him feel even worse.

"I mean it, put me down!" Roxas said a bit louder, trying to break free, only making the redhead hold him even closer.

"No," Axel repeated, somehow managing to open the glass door leading to the school yard with an elbow and kicking it open. "I think you need fresh air."

"Stop treating me like a girl!" Roxas shouted, not caring who could hear him. Dammit, was that _embarrassing_...

"Stop acting like one," Axel replied coolly, causing Roxas to blush even more.

"What do you..." he began, stopping with a surprised gasp when Axel suddenly stopped and sat down on one of the stone tables outside, moving Roxas so he was resting on the redhead's lap, holding him close again, burying his nose in Roxas' blond hair.

"Roxas," Axel whispered softly, causing Roxas to shiver and close his eyes with a small sigh. "Tell me what's wrong."

"Nothing is wrong," Roxas answered automatically, stopping himself when he felt Axel sigh into his hair.

"Nobody can hear us here. Stop lying," Axel demanded, weaving a hand through Roxas' hair gently. "Tell me. What did I do?"

"You didn't..." Roxas started again, 'eep'ing startled when soft lips covered his own briefly.

"I did do _something_," Axel said softly, playing with Roxas' bangs and then kissing his nose. "Tell me."

Roxas stayed silent. Axel sighed again.

"Fine," the redhead said. "Obviously you didn't appreciate me breaking into your room. You almost broke down twice because of it."

Roxas bit his lip to stop it from quivering. His eyes started to burn again. He hated that stupid burning feeling. It made him feel so helpless. Because he knew tears would follow this burning sensation, and he could do nothing to stop them.

"You don't want to tell me, hm?" Axel asked and smiled at Roxas, who sniffed quietly in return. The redhead grasped Roxas' hand gently, kissing his palm tenderly. "Relax. It's okay. You don't have to."

"I'm sorry," Roxas whispered, leaning against the redhead and sighing deeply, closing his eyes to hide the tears gathering in them.

"Do you think you can tell me _sometime_?" Axel asked, ignoring the ringing of the school bell. Roxas tried to stand up, but the redhead held him back. "Roxas. Please."

"I will _have to_ tell you sometime," Roxas hissed, regretting the harsh tone immediately. He looked down at their hands linked together, flinching when a lone tear dropped from his cheek onto his hand, trailing over his and Axel's skin slowly.

"Sorry," he mumbled meekly, sniffing again. "I mean... I will tell you. Just... not today, okay?"

"Okay," Axel agreed, wiping another tear from Roxas' cheek and smiling at him. "I'm sorry for bringing it up. I'm just worried, that's all."

"I don't want you to worry about me," Roxas muttered pouting, reaching up to twirl a bright red strand around his fingers. "I'm fine, really."

"Hey, but I _want_ to worry about you," Axel protested grinning, chuckling when Roxas stared at him like he was crazy. "_Really_. I've been worried about you so often already... But now I can do it, like, _officially_, because that's something boyfriends do. Worrying over their girlfriends, I mean."

Roxas scowled at him, punching the redhead's shoulder none too lightly. "Jackass," he muttered, but he couldn't help but smile when Axel started to laugh and hugged him close again.

It was so nice, just sitting there like this. Being held by someone he loved so much, even though he couldn't yet admit he was in love with the redhead. He felt his worries fade away as he listened to Axel's quiet, amused, wonderfully honest laughter. Nothing mattered anymore. Not the fact Axel had been in his room. Not his fear of knowing that the redhead could find out about his wrongdoings in the past. Not the fact half of the school probably watched them from the cafeteria doors. Not the fact he didn't deserve to be so happy.

"It's nice to be able to worry about someone else sometimes," Axel whispered after a while, not looking at Roxas directly.

Roxas wanted to ask what he meant by that, but Axel surprised him by kissing him again, this time slower than before... gentler, more loving. How Axel could put so much emotion into a simple kiss was beyond Roxas, but he tried to return it equally gentle, and he didn't even notice he had started to cry until a warm hand wiped tears from his cheeks.

"Hey," Axel breathed, kissing him again. "No, Sunshine... It's okay, everything is okay."

Roxas was tempted to deny that for a moment. That it was not okay. That he didn't understand why Axel liked him. That he didn't know anything about Roxas. For a moment he was tempted to tell the redhead everything...

... But he couldn't do it. He just smiled and nodded, wiping his eyes with one hand. It was easier than he had thought. It was scary how easy it was to smile despite the inner turmoil he was feeling.

"Okay," he whispered, smiling and feeling horrible for it, not knowing why. He just knew... he would have to stop keeping secrets if he really wanted to have a relationship.

_I want a chance. I want a chance to be happy. Only a few days. All I want is a few days, then I will tell him. Please, only a few days... I can't... I can't do this to him, after all that happened to him..._

He didn't even know whom he wanted to convince.

"We should go," he said, relieved his voice seemed to sound strong and stable again. "We're already late."

Axel just shrugged. "As long as you promise me you'll stop being sad," he replied smiling, brushing blond bangs out of Roxas' face, laughing softly when Roxas pouted and tried to fix his hair again. "You should be happy," he added, gently grasping Roxas' hand and kissing it. "_I_ am _very_ happy. I don't want to pressure you to do anything you don't want, or to tell me anything you don't want me to know. It's not fair to demand something like this from you, when I am not able to tell you some things about myself..." He looked away. "I just... want you to know..." He looked up again, instantly enchanting Roxas with his smile. "You can tell me everything, okay? Just... take your time."

"Thank you," Roxas whispered, then he kissed the redhead again, and for a short moment... everything was perfect again.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Yes, I know! Another stupid filler chapter, and nothing tragic happened... I should stop making promises like that.

Yeah well, it was getting way too long again. I can't seem to keep my chapters under 10.000 words anymore! . But there will be drama... some time. In the future. Yeah. But I won't promise it will be in the next chapter! No, not this time! I won't promise _anything, _but: There will be many, many chapters more! Hahaaaaaa! xD Oh, the ideas... the _ideas_...

Anyway... Review, and tell me what you think/like/dislike! (: And thank you for still reading!


	17. Chapter 16

**Summary:** His life had always been perfect, or at least so Roxas had liked to think. But overcoming his own fears for someone else isn't as easy as it seems. When both his own and his lover's past threatens their unstable relationship, Roxas has to face the truth: His life was far from perfect. But at least it was better than Axel's.

**Warnings:** Nothing new, really. A bit kissing, a bit yelling, a bit cursing... Although I must admit angry!Sora is really scary! o.O

**Pairings:** AkuRoku main, RikuxSora, ZexionxDemyx side pairings. Possible LeonxCloud later on. Much, much later though.

**Disclaimer:** I own nothing but this story (So please don't steal it!), some plushies and shitloads of lecture notes I have to learn. Yay!

**Chapter Dedication:** The usual suspects.

**Kuraieshi**, for being a great Beta next to studying and moving and ten thousand other things she's got to do, which are probably more important than this. She still somehow manages to correct my chapters, and I'm very thankful for that. So, thank you, my lovely!

**Riku-stalker**, cuz she _still _has got so many positive things to say about my story, which is both boosting my already monstrously inflated ego and inspiring me to squeeze more and more words out of my already smoking brain. Oh, and I'm so sorry I didn't write back for so long, I was really busy the last days. Expect an email from me the next days, 'kay? 'Kay.

**kotilo**, for the kitties! Yay! Kitty!Aku and Kitty!Roku playing with a ball of yarn are probably the cutest things I've ever seen! I still tend to giggle uncontrollably every time I see them... and the _sparkly _hallway scene... beautiful. Yes, yes. Thank you so much for that!

**Thanks to:** Let's see... So far nobody complained about being forgotten, so I'll just assume I didn't forget to mention any of my awesome reviewers... Guys, you are great. I mean that. It's a great feeling to read through your reviews. I do that all the time when I write. And I love the feeling when I see your names and know you already reviewed and still think the new chapters are worth another one! I love to reply to reviews, even if it takes longer with each chapter.

And there are still _new _reviewers I want to thank! Here they are: **., channe, firelid, freakenout, Heart Br0ken, iheartroxas, Kiki Lelsissia, Moogles With Flamethrowers, Nebula GraveYard, PepsiPotatoes, Phaenilix, Silli-zicuni, Statuess, Syreon, XxRoxasluverxX, XxVampire-chanxX**

I think that were all of the new ones. If not... forgive me, for I am unworthy of your reviews! Sniff.

But, enough of me, on to your amusement!**

* * *

**

**Perfect Match - Chapter 16**

It frightened Roxas how easy it was for him to hide his fear behind a happy mask. That didn't really make sense, but it _did_. It simply reminded him of the things he had done too much.

He was scared he could start to hide his true feelings and become a person he _wasn't_ again. But on the other hand he was scared he could fuck things up if he didn't play this happy, cute, innocent _Sunshine_-person for the beautiful redhead who was sitting next to him this very moment.

Roxas knew he was staring again. He couldn't help it. It was addictive to see Axel smile. It was intoxicating to see his eyes shine like this. It was enchanting to see him at ease for once, not worried about his friends, or his own condition, or anything else. Even though Roxas knew the redhead was still a bit worried about himself. He thought he had been able to allay most of the redhead's worries by acting like he had done. He thought Axel hadn't noticed he was still confused and a bit scared about everything. He thought he had been able to hide himself again. And he felt awful because of it, because he didn't want to hide anymore.

But it was so _easy_...

He quickly smiled when Axel glanced at him, receiving a smirk in return. Dammit, he was way too good at acting...

It was funny. He didn't want Axel to know something was wrong. But he _did_ want Axel to notice something was wrong. His thoughts didn't seem to make sense anymore.

And then there was this strange feeling... Oh, mostly he felt happy, yes, and granted, he was a bit confused and still a bit scared, but then there was something else... a strange kind of feeling. Like... a presentiment or something. Like... something was off, but he didn't know what...

Or maybe he was just pessimistic by nature, felt guilty for hiding his true feelings and thought he didn't deserve to be together with the redhead. Blah blah blah, already elaborated on that more than enough...

Okay, that was it. He would have to talk to Axel.

Later.

Maybe not today.

Tomorrow.

Or... next week. Yes, next week sounded good. No, wait...

Carefully avoiding making any kind of noise which would only attract attention, he took his cell phone out of his pocket and quickly typed in a memo.

_Tell him!_

_Remind me in: 7 – days – 6:00 pm_

He didn't _dare_ to hesitate before saving the message.

"Tell whom what?" an amused whisper reached his ears which instantly turned hot.

"Nobody nothing," he hissed back, putting the cell phone into his pocket again, then smiling sweetly at Axel who was gazing at him pensively. "Sorry," he added a bit softer. Axel smiled again, but he still seemed skeptic.

"_Kouen_!"

Roxas had never been more relieved to hear Mr. Vexen's somewhat high-pitched voice. It was funny how Mr. Vexen's voice seemed to grow higher every time he talked to Axel.

Axel turned his head slowly, propping his chin in his hand, raising his brows questioningly.

"If you don't mind, Kouen, I would like to teach you something here," their teacher riled, sneering at the redhead sardonically.

"Oh no, I don't mind," Axel replied sweetly, pointing at the writing on the blackboard. "Buuuuut... only if you change that three into a four."

A few students started to snicker at Mr. Vexen's dumbfounded expression.

"What?" the chemistry teacher asked, trying to pierce a hole through Axel's head with his icy glare.

"The catalyst. Sulfuric acid. Not sulfurous acid. Come on, it doesn't work like that," Axel explained a little bit bored. "Eeeeven if we let the fact sulfurous acid does not really exist in this form aside, because it tends to decompose into water and sulfur dioxide, it still would not work, because it reacts as a reducing agent and could react with one of the other reactants and thus destroy it, and..."

Mr. Vexen's expression darkened with every word, and he just turned around wordlessly, correcting the number and raising a hand when Axel wanted to protest, a sly smirk on the redhead's lips.

"Cut it out, Kouen," he snarled without looking at his best and most hated student, who leaned back grinning.

Roxas was relieved the redhead didn't pick up their conversation from before again.

* * *

The rest of the day was over way too soon in Roxas' opinion. It was easier to feel like he was supposed to feel after he had made up his mind about telling Axel everything. And every time the redhead kissed him or hugged him or simply smiled at him it became easier to tell himself it wouldn't matter, whatever he had to tell him.

At least until school was over.

Roxas had had to get a book out of his locker after the last lesson, and he told the redhead to wait for him outside school, giggling helplessly when Axel took his leave by kissing him for the umpteenth time that day, leaving Roxas in a dreamy daze yet again.

Roxas couldn't help but grin the whole time, not even evil glares from members of his fanclub could bring him down now.

He rushed through the hallways, yelling a quick good-bye to his friends and his brother as he passed them. Sora waved back oddly hesitantly, not meeting his gaze, turning to tell their friends Roxas had planned to spend the afternoon with his boyfriend, like Roxas had asked him to.

He looked back blushing when he heard Selphie yell "Go get him, Roxy!" through the hall, but he decided to let the inappropriate use of this stupid nickname slide. This time. He grinned and pushed through the crowd leaving the school building.

And stopped abruptly, losing his grip on the strap of his bag. It fell to the ground with a soft 'thud'.

"... and it's not a _serious_ relationship he wants. Believe me."

Four girls and two boys were surrounding the bench Axel was sitting on. The redhead just sat there cross-legged, a cigarette between his thin lips, twirling a small white card between long fingers, a friendly grin on his face. He seemed to be listening intently to what this one girl had to say.

Had he just... _nodded_?

Roxas felt the happy grin fade from his own face.

What the fuck?

"Roxas never had a relationship before," the girl continued, and her attendants all nodded. "The longest he has been together with the same person were two weeks. He's not _able_ to stay with one and the same person for a long time."

_What_?

When had he been together with someone for two weeks?

"And it is _obvious_ you are not his type anyway," another girl added snootily. "It would be better for all of us if you ended this as soon as possible."

Axel nodded again, looking at the card in his hand and taking a deep drag of his cigarette, exhaling slowly.

"And what _is_ his type?" he asked innocently, smiling brightly at the girls and boys around him and tucking the card into the back pocket of his jeans.

The question seemed to confuse them.

"What?" the snooty girl asked.

"What is his type?" Axel repeated slowly, as if he talked to a child. "It is _obvious_ I am not, after all."

Snooty girl exchanged nervous looks with Leader girl, then looked around seeking help.

"Well... he's not into redheads, for one," a girls wearing pigtails said firmly. Axel just smiled and nodded again.

"And?" he asked, taking another drag from his cigarette.

How could he stay so _calm_? Roxas himself was already close to smashing their goddamn faces! How dared they? How dared they talk to his boyfriend about him, and how dared they claiming to know anything about him? They knew _nothing_!

He _loved _redheads, for one!

He balled his hands into fists, feeling his whole body starting to shake out of suppressed rage. He wanted to scream, but at the same time he felt like his throat was constricted by his unbearable anger. It was getting harder to breathe again, but this time not out of fear, but out of pure, undiluted fury, by the maddening urge to scream at the top of his lungs.

"Yes, he's more into brunettes or blonds," one of the boys added eagerly. He had brunet hair. Surprise, surprise.

"And he totally likes blue eyes more," boy #2 agreed. Blue eyes. Figures.

Whom were they talking about? Roxas loved green eyes! Especially bright, cat-like, emerald green ones! Preferably in combination with bright red hair...

"And he's really not into tattoos," the last girl said, nervously kneading the straps of her pink book bag. "Really. This whole 'bad boy' thing. He doesn't like that. He likes... nice girls." She looked at the two boys in her group. "Or guys."

The corners of the redhead's lips twitched, and he bit his lip, clearly amused. He brushed over one of his tattoos with one finger. "What, those?" he asked, suppressed laughter clearly apparent in his shaking voice. "Oh, that's too bad..." He smirked sardonically. "Then he won't like the other one."

Roxas felt his face heat up, and he couldn't help but think about the _other_ tattoo adorning the redhead's lean body, couldn't help but think about catching a glimpse of black and red flames on pale skin...

The group around Axel exchanged confused looks, but they were so sickeningly eager to come up with other reasons why Roxas wouldn't stay with the redhead. Roxas slowly bent down to grab his bag, slowly and silently creeping closer to the small group. He completely ignored passing students watching him curiously.

"He... He doesn't like smokers," Pigtailed girl continued, still seeming a bit unsettled by Axel's strange grin.

Axel raised an eyebrow, peering at the white stick between his slender fingers. Then he smirked again, taking another drag and exhaling pointedly slow, tendrils of white smoke curling out of his mouth and nose and dissolving into thin air.

"He didn't seem to mind," he said shrugging. Then he leaned back and made a circling motion with one hand. "What else?"

His behavior seemed to confound the group around him more and more. They exchanged confused looks again.

"H-He... Did you see the mansion he lives in?" Snooty girl added keenly. "You are not in his league. He needs someone who can provide him the lifestyle he's used to..."

Good God, did those people think he wanted to _marry_ Axel? _Provide the lifestyle he was used to_?

"The mansion? Oh yeah, been there a few times," Axel beamed, taking another drag and dropping the cigarette. "Nice. I especially like the beach. Oh, and did you see the living room? I mean the black and white one. Not the one in blue. Or the red one. Although that one's nice too. Oh yeah, and Sunshine's room. _That_ one is pretty cool..." That comment let one of the girls gasp loudly, and Axel smirked at her.

"That's a lie!" Snooty girl shrieked, pointing an accusing finger at the redhead. "You can't have seen his room! He never lets anyone into his room!"

"Really?" Axel asked mockingly, only now glancing at Roxas who stood right behind the girl. They still hadn't noticed him. "I feel special." He smirked at Roxas teasingly, licking his lips and leaning back again, staring directly into Roxas' eyes. "I like the bed best. Can't wait to... try it out," he purred seductively, his intense gaze making Roxas feel hot and tingly and weird. But underneath those sensations the redhead seemed to ignite in him with every look and whisper and touch, there was something cold. Cold and black and deep, angry and annoyed, but still _cold_.

"Pervert," he replied quietly, too furious to actually be flustered by the redhead's shameless flirting. He was very surprised how calm and steady his own voice sounded.

They reacted just like he had thought. The girls shrieked and clamped their hands over their mouths almost simultaneously; the two boys whirled around to stare at him wide-eyed.

"I don't know what you're talking about, Sunshine," Axel said grinning, running a hand through his brightly colored hair and standing up, his long arms circling Roxas' waist almost immediately, drawing him close. Roxas' waist seemed to be a favorite place for the redhead's hands nowadays. Not that Roxas minded. "I meant _sleeping_! What did _you_ think?" He grinned and leaned down, nudging Roxas' nose with his own affectionately. "Aw, you dirty-minded cutie, you!" he cooed playfully.

Roxas felt his cheeks warm up at this, and he smiled back at the redhead a bit stiffly, then glared at the people around them.

"Fuck. Off," he spat, the frown on his face deepening even more when one of the girls opened her mouth to speak.

"Why, Roxas?" Leader girl wailed, tears welling up in her eyes. She didn't say more, probably for the dramatic effect, wiping a tear from the corner of her eyes.

"Why what?" he yelled, silently savoring how all of them flinched back surprised, how they stared at him shocked. He felt the arms around his waist tighten when he tried to break away from the redhead. "Do you want to know why I chose him and _not_ you? Or you?" He pointed at Leader girl, then at Snooty girl. "Maybe because you claim to know me when you don't know one thing! Maybe because you claim to know what's best for me when it's none of your goddamn business! I don't even know your names, for the love of God!"

The girl with the pink book bag and the two boys were the only ones who seemed at least a bit ashamed. The girl turned on her heels and ran away.

"Maybe because people like you make me _sick_," Roxas continued just as loudly, fixing his glare on Leader girl who looked down quickly, her lower lip quivering and her big eyes watering visibly. "People who never leave others alone, just because they can't stand seeing people other than themselves happy! People who envy everybody who _could_ have something they want! People who only see things like... like money, or a _lifestyle_, or fame, or popularity! People who only think about the benefit their actions could bring!" He laughed once, bitter and hurt, and he reveled how embarrassed Leader girl and Snooty girl suddenly seemed to be, how the others looked away. Pigtailed girl actually started to cry quietly. "People like you, who claim to _love_ me, but try to take away my happiness! You'd rather see me unhappy than with someone else but you! Oh yes, what you feel for me must be true _love_!"

The two boys stepped back cautiously, their eyes never leaving Roxas until they turned around to run away.

"You really want to know why I want to be with him? You really do?" Roxas continued enraged, fisting one trembling hand in Axel's dark blue shirt. "Maybe it's because he makes me laugh. Maybe it's because he never cared about my parent's money. Maybe it's because he didn't try to hit on me as soon as he knew who I was. Maybe it's because he treated me like a human being, not like a fucking fragile _thing_! Maybe it's because he didn't _claim_ to know me when he didn't, but actually tried to _get to know me_ first! Maybe it's because he's the first man who actually tries to get to know me, and because he makes me feel alive, and special, and safe, and warm..."

"Roxas, calm down," he heard Axel whisper into his hair, and he felt a warm hand softly petting the back of his head. But he couldn't calm down. He didn't _want_ to calm down.

"It's none of your fucking business!" he shouted, again trying to break free from the redhead's gentle grasp. But at the same time he needed the closeness, he needed to feel his comforting presence. Or else he would have gone insane, he was sure of it.

"He's not even your type!" Snooty girl cried, her voice growing rather shrill and unpleasant to hear.

"And how the fuck would _you_ know that?" Roxas yelled, noting and hating how his own voice almost broke in the end. "I don't have a _type_! And _if_ I _had_, it would be tall, skinny, red-haired, green-eyed, and... and... _straightforward_, and honest, and smart, and nice, and funny, and witty, and caring, and passionate, and... and... breathtaking, and gorgeous, and beautiful..."

He stopped when he felt long arms around him flinch violently, and he looked up worried. Axel stared at him wide-eyed, biting his lip uneasily. He seemed to have difficulties deciding whether to blush or to turn pale, light pink finally winning and covering the bridge of his nose and his cheeks quickly.

"Roxas," he breathed, his bright eyes darting around nervously. Some people seemed to watch them already. "You..."

"I'm sorry," Roxas interrupted him, hating how suddenly tears clouded his vision, hating feeling so stupid and small, hating how those people thought about him... How nobody seemed to care about his happiness. "I'm so sorry, but it's true, and I _hate_ not being able to tell you... I... I..." He could hear his own voice, but it didn't sound like his voice anymore. It was way too high, and shaky, and choked...

He almost broke down when Axel turned him around gently so he fully faced the redhead, trapping him in a tight embrace. At first he struggled against it weakly, tried to push the redhead away, tried to turn around again to yell at those stupid girls some more. Axel wouldn't have it. He held Roxas, until the smaller boy stopped struggling and started to cry softly. Roxas clung to the redhead desperately, bending his head down so nobody would see the tears wetting his cheeks. He hated the tears. He hated feeling so useless. He hated being so weak. He hated how this gasp for air sounded so much like a sob.

A slender hand ran through his hair and applied just enough pressure to rest his head on a lean shoulder, reminding Roxas very much of this time on the beach, when Axel had tried to comfort him. He pressed a hand over his mouth to muffle the sobs escaping his mouth, his other arm sneaking around the taller boy's neck, forehead resting on his boyfriend's shoulder, his tears slowly wetting the dark blue fabric of his shirt.

"I-I'm so sorry," he sobbed again, and he heard Axel sigh and pet his head softly.

"No need, Sunshine," the redhead replied gently, then Roxas felt him move a bit. "And _you_," he growled, obviously directed at the three girls still staring at them. "Out of my sight, before I forget my manners!"

"Let Roxas _go_, you... you... brainwashing... asshole!" was the shrieked answer.

A short, stunned pause. Then Roxas felt the slender limbs around his body tense up and start to tremble.

"Fuck, _no_," Axel snarled, in a tone that clearly said 'I can't _believe_ you just said that, you fucking retard!' "Dammit, leave him _alone_! Or do I have to get _angry_?"

Snooty girl answered with shrill laughter. "You wouldn't dare to hit a girl, you loser!" she replied, sounding very pleased.

"I'm a firm believer in equal rights for men and women," Axel snapped, and something in his voice seemed to frighten Snooty girl enough to stop her laughing. Roxas sniffed and looked up to Axel, who stared at the three remaining girls. The redheaded boy's eyes were literally _burning_.

Pigtailed girl ran away, wiping her eyes fiercely.

Leader girl and Snooty girl still pouted at the redhead who stared back furiously, a deep scowl marring his handsome features.

Roxas' own anger was forgotten as soon as he saw the expression on the redhead's face. He didn't want Axel to be angry. He never wanted him to be angry. _Never_. Especially not _today_, damnit!

Today was supposed to be a _good_ day!

"Axel," he whispered hoarsely, only now noticing how much his throat hurt from screaming. It was so quiet he didn't even know if the redhead could hear him, but as soon as the name had left his mouth the other boy's head whipped around, the angry scowl immediately softening to a worried frown.

"Everything okay, Sunshine?" he asked, gently ruffling Roxas' blond spikes, smiling when Roxas automatically raised his hands to fix his hair again.

"Could we... go somewhere?" Roxas asked meekly, sighing and fidgeting with his checkered wristband. "Please?"

"Oh... sure," Axel said hastily, letting go of Roxas completely. He grabbed both Roxas' and his own book bag, slinging them over one shoulder and running his free hand through Roxas' hair again. "Where do you want to go?"

"Just somewhere else," Roxas whispered, shooting the two girls still staring at him, an irate glare. "Away from _them_."

"How does ice cream sound?" Axel asked, suddenly all cheerful and happy again, running a hand through his hair.

"Sounds damn near perfect to me," Roxas said and smiled, feeling all anger and rage dissipating at once.

"Okay," Axel nodded, glancing back briefly. He leaned closer to Roxas. "Did you know you have a _fanclub_ here?" he whispered incredulously, causing Roxas to grimace slightly.

"Uhm..." Roxas felt his ears heat up, soon followed by his cheeks and nose, and he turned away quickly, walking away from those girls. "Kind of, yeah." Axel followed him, a fond smile on his lips as he pulled out the card he had tucked away earlier.

"Did you know they had their own business cards?" the redhead added amusedly, showing Roxas the card.

"_What_?" Roxas snatched the small piece of paper out of Axel's hand, ignoring the quiet chuckle he earned for that. He stopped walking, staring down unbelievingly at the small, black and white checkered card, which sported an two or three years old photograph of him, next to the words 'Roxas Harada – Most Wanted In Destiny High'

The _Fuck_?

Axel laughed at his dumbfounded expression, pulling a pack of cigarettes out of his book bag and his silver lighter out of his pocket, tugging one of the slim white sticks out of the pack with his lips and lighting it with this weird flicking motion of his wrist, snapping the lighter shut again immediately.

Roxas snatched the lighter out of the redhead's gloved hand, much like he had done with the card before, flicking it open much less graceful than the redhead.

He glanced back over his shoulder briefly, making sure the two girls still watched him, before he held the card to the small flame slowly, watching as the small piece of paper caught fire, staring at the flickering flame fascinated. He heard Axel next to him gasp and then cough, muttering something Roxas didn't quite catch.

He could feel the heat of the flame, as it was consuming his photograph and turning it into black ash quickly. He snapped the lighter close again, raising the burning card over his head, so everybody around them could see it. When he was sure the girls had seen it burn, he threw it to the ground, deliberately stepping on it and thus smothering the fire again.

He already wanted to walk away to complete his dramatic exit, but a lanky arm around his shoulders held him back, crushed him against a warm, slender body.

He let out a surprised sound, quickly melting into the rather brash embrace when soft, thin lips attacked his own hungrily. His eyes closed immediately, and he quickly threw his own arms around Axel's neck, burying both his hands in soft, spiky hair. God, how much he loved that feeling... And he didn't mind Axel tasting of cigarettes now, because under that spicy, unfamiliar taste was another, much sweeter, one he quickly identified as purely _Axel_, and he found himself craving more of this taste, returning the kiss equally fiercely, gasping enraptured when the redhead suddenly shoved him against the wall surrounding their school, right next to the gate they just had been about to pass. Gloved hands grasped his, raising them above his head and pressing them against the stone wall, the coldness of the stones creating a harsh, but not unpleasant contrast to the warm fingers intertwined with his, a warm body pressed against his, warm lips moving on his. He was quick to give in and open his mouth when a warm, wet tongue coaxed his lips open, feeling his legs almost give out under him. Hadn't he been trapped in between the wall and this gorgeous, hot redhead, he would probably not have been able to stand on his own anymore.

He instantly missed the warmth when the redhead broke the kiss, instinctively moving forward to follow those incredibly sweet tasting lips, snatching a small kiss before Axel pulled away again, staring down at him, green eyes wide and a smile on his face.

Roxas stared back at him dazedly, trying to catch his breath again. Which wasn't easy, since looking into those bright eyes took away his breath yet again, maybe even more than the kiss had done. He felt the warm hands holding his letting go slowly, and felt them glide down his arms, over his shoulders, to his cheeks. He closed his eyes again when Axel leaned in to kiss him again, a lone tear escaping him, rolling down his cheek.

There had been a strong emotion in the redhead's gaze. Joy, happiness, admiration, adoration, tenderness... he didn't even know how to name it. The only thing he knew was... this look made him feel... special. Like... someone really cared. He didn't even dare to think it, but... he felt... _loved_.

"That _does_ it, Sunshine!" Axel whispered breathlessly, still grinning and brushing one hand through golden locks, the other one still resting on Roxas' cheek. Somehow Roxas was irritated about the gloves the redhead was still wearing.

Axel kissed Roxas' cheek softly, nuzzling it still smiling. "That does it!" he repeated a bit louder. "Now you've done it. Don't think you'll _ever_ get rid of me again."

Roxas was still too amazed to answer, just stared back stunned, smiling shakily.

"Fuck! That was friggin' _hot_!" Axel continued enthusiastically, grabbing the book bags he had dropped and then grabbing Roxas' hand. "Being so goddamn sexy should be prohibited for cute little guys like you. I think I've got a fucking sensory overload or something. That ice cream is on me."

Roxas just grinned dreamily and let himself be dragged away, looking back over his shoulder and laughing at the two girls who were still watching him. No, they would never be able to chase his redhead away.

* * *

He wasn't able to shake this grin off the whole evening. He still grinned when he opened the front door of the mansion, despite his face already hurting from laughing so much.

They had been to the ice cream parlor, had offended mothers with their children by flirting shamelessly, had talked about (more like made fun of) Roxas' fanclub, and then they had stumbled over some kind of weird open-air movie theater, where Axel had made sport of disturbing the audience by predicting the story line of the really tacky romance movie, and annoying most of the girls there by faking a hysterical breakdown when the hero almost died while trying to win the heroine back. He had gotten screamed at by some girls, but most of them and all of the boys present had almost burst with laughter and had applauded the redhead before they chose to leave.

Roxas had never had so much fun in his _life_.

He found his brother in the blue living room, surrounded by books and various writing utensils. Sora was chewing on a pencil, obviously brooding over his homework.

"Heeeeeeeeey, Sora!" he yelled, jumping on the couch and dragging his brother with him when he fell to the floor.

"Nargh!" Sora sat up again, the pencil still clamped between his lips. He stared at Roxas, blue eyes wide. "Whus ron wifu?"

"Nothing is wrong!" Roxas laughed, jumping up again and flopping onto the couch, instantly starting to fidget. "Nothing, nothing, nothing is wrong!" he sang, throwing his arms in the air and letting his head fall back on the backrest. "For the fucking first time in _years_, _nothing_ is wrong!"

Sora took the pencil out of his mouth and nodded oddly hesitantly, looking away and grabbing a few sheets from the table, drawing up his knees and starting to read, ignoring his brother. And slowly the grin faded from the blond twin's face.

"What?" Roxas asked, frowning when Sora just continued to stare down at his homework. He mimicked his brother's stance, drawing his knees up and crossing his arms. "_What_?"

"Nothing," Sora murmured softly, starting to chew on the pencil again. "Have to do homework."

The frown on Roxas' face deepened. Something was off. Usually Sora would have been glad about Roxas feeling happy. But Sora acted like he was feeling uncomfortable. About something. Hm.

Roxas leaned forward and snatched a sheet from the table, quickly skimming the page and laying it back.

"Sora," he started irritated. "This essay isn't due until next month."

"Havta do it sometime," Sora mumbled, sounding even more uneasy.

"But..." Roxas bit his lip, sighing deeply. "I want to talk."

"But I don't want to," Sora replied distractedly. "I have to finish this, or else I won't do it at all." He glanced at Roxas briefly, laughing awkwardly. "You know me."

Roxas' mouth fell open, and Sora was quick to look away again, guilt written all over his face. Roxas blinked a few times, tried to say something, but couldn't find the words.

Sora didn't want to talk? Sora _always_ wanted to talk! Sora always annoyed Roxas until he gave in and told him how he felt and all that jazz. Something wasn't right, and Roxas didn't like the awkward silence one bit.

"Y-You don't..." he started, screwing up his eyes and examining this chocolate brown shock of hair next to him more closely. Yes, those lighter brown highlights in darker brown spikes definitely belonged to his twin, but the words didn't seem to fit.

Sora glanced up to him again, grinning uneasily. "Hey, don't look at me like that. I just... want to finish this, okay? We can talk tomorrow," he said a tick too fast. He would have fooled anybody but his twin.

Something _definitely_ was off.

"Sora," he growled, scowling down at his brother, who winced at his harsh tone. "What is wrong?"

"Nothing!" Sora replied again, and again his answer came a hint too fast.

"Don't _lie_ to me, Sora!" Roxas yelled, instantly regretting it when Sora's head whipped around and wide, cerulean blue eyes directly stared into his.

He watched startled as his brother paled visibly, and he was terrified when an angry scowl deformed Sora's usually so calm face. Sora turned around fully, pointing a finger at his twin who backed away from his brother's accusing glare.

"_You_ don't tell _me_ to stop lying, Roxas!" Sora roared, startling Roxas even more. "_You_ stop lying to Axel first!"

"What?" Roxas tried to protest, but Sora interrupted him immediately.

"No, you don't lie to him _directly_," Sora went on, slapping a flat hand on the small coffee table, sending a few of his papers to the floor. "You just _don't tell him the truth_! Do you think that's better? Do you think it would be better if he found out what you did to all those girls and boys? How many did you bring home in the last two years? How many hearts did you break? What do you think how Axel will react if he hears what you did from someone else but you? When do you plan to talk to him about it? After you did the same to him? Will you laugh at him and tell him about it as soon as he overcomes his fears and tries to deepen your... 'relationship'? Is he some kind of _challenge_ for you? Do you want to see how long it takes you to break him completely?"

"What?" Roxas replied, now getting angry himself. He was still shocked about his brother's outburst, but... "Hey, yesterday you were happy when I told you he kissed me! You told me _today_ you were happy for us!"

"That's because I'm the stupid twin!" Sora yelled furiously, his face now flushed from anger, his voice wavering, almost breaking. "It's because I'm the... the... much too forgiving twin, who overlooked your wrongdoings way too long! It's because I was so stupid to actually believe you told him everything before you two made up! It's because I was so unbelievable stupid to believe you actually realized that what you did was wrong! I told you I was happy for you _before_ Axel asked me today if you had a relationship before him! And I didn't know what to tell him, because he obviously didn't know anything about your stupid 'tests'! I already thought something was wrong when you freaked out about him being in your room. I should have _known_!"

Roxas watched horrified as his brother suddenly burst into tears, his hands itching to reach out and comfort his brother, but the rest of his body frozen with horror.

"You... you are... so stupid, Roxas," Sora ranted, tears streaming down his face, but his eyes still blazing with fury. "You are selfish! You are egocentric! You said you really liked him!"

"I _do_!" Roxas screamed, almost panicky. "I _love_ him!"

Both twin's eyes widened at this, Roxas slapping a hand over his mouth, Sora's mouth falling open in shock as he continued to stare at his twin.

Roxas' vision grew blurry when tears welled up in his own eyes. He didn't know why he started to cry. Was it because his brother was angry at him? Was it because he knew what Sora had said was true... at least to some extent? Was it because he knew it was wrong not to tell the redhead everything?

Was it because he finally realized what he really felt for the redhead? He knew it was true. He had known it for a long time.

"No, you don't," Sora finally whispered, the shock slowly being replaced by sorrow. "If you did, you would never dare to do this to him."

"I don't want to hurt him," Roxas whimpered, sniffing and wiping tears from his cheeks. "Please, Sora..."

"It's too late for that, Roxas," Sora replied sadly, picking up his papers and staring at them without actually reading. "He will be hurt, regardless what you do. It will only get worse with every day you wait."

"But I can't," Roxas whispered choked, a feeling of dread washing over him and making him feel cold and small and empty. The happiness he had felt before was long gone. "He... he would hate me!" _I hate myself for it._

"Maybe," Sora agreed shrugging, not looking up. "But do you think he would hate you less if he found out on his own? I saw some girls from your fanclub talking to him today. And more than once. They wanted to talk ever since you two acted out that famous fake theater scene. What if they tell him something? It's never beneficial for a relationship to hide something, you know."

"Why can't you just let me be happy?" Roxas asked, hugging himself and fisting his hands in the sleeves of his jacket. They had started to tremble, out of fear or anger he didn't know. "Why can't you just leave me alone? It's none of your business!"

He could see his brother tense up at his words, and he could see Sora's hands gripping the papers in his hands tighter, crumpling them slightly. The corner of his mouth twitched downwards, and he looked at Roxas from the corners of his eyes again. But he didn't say anything.

"I deserve to be happy too," Roxas continued after a short while. He couldn't bare the cold silence that had engulfed the room, that had engulfed his brother suddenly. He tried to fill the silence with words, but the longer he spoke, the more he knew what he said was wrong. "Why can't you at least leave me be happy for a few days? I know I have to tell him. All I ask for are a few days..."

Sora remained silent. His eyes narrowed, making Roxas feel terrible. Was this what Axel had meant when he had said Roxas' eyes had been cold? It was really awful.

"Really, I _deserve_ a few days of happiness," he heard himself say, and as much as he wanted to stop himself, he couldn't. He knew he wasn't trying to convince Sora. He was trying to convince himself that what he did was right. "The last years were hard enough for me..."

"Were they?" Sora interrupted him coldly, and Roxas felt something in him break when he heard the barely restrained anger and, even worse, condemnation in his brother's voice. "The last years were hard for you? The last years, in which you chose to hurt other people's feelings for your own amusement? And don't give me one of your excuses about them trying to use you," he added, raising one hand to stop Roxas from interrupting him. "You are no better than them. You have everything, Roxas. You have the money our parents provide you, you have this house, you can do what you want! You have so many friends, you are popular without even doing something for it, you are a good student. And the last years were _hard_ for you? Why? Because _you_ chose to make yourself unhappy by doing all the stupid things you did?"

Roxas tried to reply to that, but he failed. He knew Sora was right. Sora only said out loud what he himself already knew. But it hurt so much more hearing it from his own brother, the only one who always understood him, the only one who loved him despite all his faults... To hear those hurtful words coming from his twin's mouth made him wish he was dead.

He was scum. He was lower than dirt. He was a _monster_.

"Now think about your so-called boyfriend," Sora continued calmly, looking away and starting to collect his things from the floor and the table. "Axel lost his family when he was four years old. He grew up in an orphanage. An _orphanage_, Roxas! Did you _listen_ to what Riku and Zexion and Demyx told us? The orphanage barely had enough money to survive! He probably never knew if there would be a home for him still when he came back from school, if the orphanage would be still there. And then he grew up, got friends, finally found someone who cared about him... and then he was abducted, abused and _raped_. He was _tortured_! He was almost _killed_ more than once! He was wounded so deeply, not only physically, but mentally as well! He still wakes up at night sometimes, screaming and fighting an enemy who isn't really there. And then there comes a boy who likes him, and whom he could have been able to like back, hadn't there been all the scars in his heart." Sora looked up again, his expression softening when he noticed the tears in his brother's eyes. But he didn't stop, not even when Roxas shook his head pleadingly, begging him to stop without words. "Then he meets you," he continued sternly. "He tries to open up to someone other than his friends. He tries to trust again. He tries so hard, because he thinks this boy could help him heal, could help him forget about all the things that happened to him. And now imagine what could happen if he found out this boy, this one guy he opened up to, this one person he trusts... if he found out you only used him, like you used so many other girls and boys, to prove something nobody but you could ever understand. How do you think he would feel if he found out he was only another 'test subject' to you?"

"But he isn't!" Roxas sobbed, curling up and hiding his face in his arms, his right hand fisting in his hair and pulling so hard it hurt. His heart felt like it had shattered. It felt like it bled. There was a stinging, searing, burning pain ripping him apart, and every word his brother said only made it worse. Because every single word was true.

He didn't have a bad life. The only problems he had were self-made. He should have been happy to have this life, he should have been _happy_, like Sora had always been, not always seeing the disadvantages. He had a family. He had a home. He had _Sora_.

"But how should he know that if you don't tell him?" Sora asked much gentler, and Roxas felt the couch dip a bit when his brother sat next to him. He felt an arm sneak around his shoulders and tried to shove him away at first. But soon he gave up, leaning on his brother instead, crying silently. "If someone else but you tells him about it, he will think he was nothing more to you than another test subject. You have to tell him yourself. You have to explain. Tell him you love him. Tell him you want to change. Tell him you are sorry."

"I can't..." Roxas managed to force out between heavy sobs, grabbing his brother's hand so hard, a pained hiss escaped Sora. "He... he was so happy today, I can't do this to him! I _can't_!"

"You have to," Sora said quietly, his voice now taking on this cold undertone again.

"I can't!" Roxas repeated fiercely.

"Roxas, stop it!" Sora hissed, this nasty scowl marring his face again. Roxas backed away from him alarmed. "Don't pretend you want to do this for _him_. This is about _you_! Everything is about you! _Everything_ is _always_ about _you_! _You're_ afraid to get hurt! _You _don't think about _him _at all! _You never think about anyone but yourself_!"

It was this moment Roxas finally realized.

"Sora..." he whispered, outstretching a hand to take his brother's.

"No, don't!" Sora yelled, swatting his hand away and jumping up. "Don't say that you're sorry and that you understand! You're never sorry, and you never understand! You never _care_!"

Roxas stayed behind and watched horrified as his brother grabbed his things and ran away, his hand still outstretched, eyes full of tears, the pain shredding his heart returning tenfold.

"Sora," he whimpered again, but his twin was already gone. He jumped up himself, running after his twin, hearing a door slamming shut somewhere in the house. He rushed up the stairs, automatically tried to open the door to his brother's room...

... and slammed into the door when he found it locked.

He stumbled back a step, staring at the door unbelieving.

Sora _never_ locked his door.

"What have I _done_?" he whispered to himself, again reaching out and trying to open the door, rattling at the handle uselessly a few times.

_NO! No, no, no, no! Sora can't be mad at me! Sora can't be against me!_

"Sora!" he yelled through the door, slamming his flat hand against the wood, tears clouding his vision, blurring the drawn picture with his brother's name on it. "Sora, open the door!"

No answer.

"Sora, please!" Roxas cried again, pounding on the door, trying to open it again. "Please, I'm sorry! I'm sorry I said all those things! I'm sorry! My life wasn't hard, my life was great, because I had you, and you are the best brother I could ever wish for! Please, I'm sorry!"

He only heard a small, soft sound, reminding him sickeningly of a sob.

"Sora! Sora, please, let me apologize!" he screamed, tears streaming down his face. He continued to knock on the door, kicking and pounding and screaming and crying. His hands hurt, his throat hurt even more, but he couldn't stop. The thought his brother might have stopped loving him, because he had been an obnoxious, selfish asshole, was unbearable.

"Soraaaaaa! I'm sorry! Please! You were right, with everything you said!" he bawled, no longer able to keep the heavy sobs out of his voice. "I was selfish! You were right! Please, don't be mad at me! Please, please don't hate me!"

But he never got an answer. The whole time he screamed his brother's name and pounded on the door and cried and yelled and sobbed and pleaded and begged, he never got an answer. He screamed until his voice failed him, until his throat felt raw and throbbed like it was one open wound. He fell to his knees, feeling weak and drained, still crying helplessly, still begging his brother to open the door and forgive him, his voice broken and raw.

He was a monster. How could he hurt his brother so much over the years? Whine about his life, when Sora lived the same life he did and was perfectly fine? The only difference between them was that Sora had always had to cheer him up when Roxas had been sulking about his so-called, self-made problems.

_Nobody loves me. _- It wasn't true, because his brother had always loved him.

_Nobody cares about my feelings. _- Sora had always cared. Sora had helped him, Sora had held him when he had cried, Sora had listened when he wanted to talk, Sora had cheered him up when he had been down.

_Nobody knows who I am. _- Sora knew him better than he did himself.

_My parents neglected me. _- His parents were Sora's parents too, and Sora had a whiny, bratty little brother to take care of, to add to the neglect.

So how had Sora been able to turn out the wonderful person he was, caring and lovable, when Roxas had turned into such a monster? Sora was everything Roxas wasn't. He was nice, he was helpful, unselfish, he was optimistic, he was lovable, whereas Roxas was moody, egoistic, arrogant, pessimistic and overall _difficult_. Sora was Light, Roxas not more than his shadow.

And while he pleaded his brother to forgive him, he realized how much his moods and his faults and his mistakes had to have affected his twin over the years. Sora had never given up on him. Sora had never lost his faith in his brother, he had never lost the hope one day Roxas would see and understand how much it hurt.

And what had Roxas done for him in return? He had hurt his twin even more, had used him for much-needed comfort. He had simply ignored his brother's pleas to stop what he was doing. He had laughed at Sora's warnings. He had trampled on his twin's feelings, knowing Sora would still stick by him, that at least Sora would always be there for him, even if he lost everyone else... because he loved his brother. Roxas had used him, way worse than all those people had tried to use himself.

He fell to the side, barely able brace himself on his arms, still crying and sobbing, until finally darkness consumed him and he fell asleep.

* * *

Of course he hurt all over when he woke up the next morning. But he instantly noticed somebody had bedded his head on a fruity smelling pillow and had covered him with a thin blanket.

He shot up, grimacing and groaning loudly when his sore muscles protested against the quick movement. His first thought was of course his brother, but when he looked up he found the door to Sora's room open. He scrambled to his feet, quickly scanning his brother's room, but finding it empty.

He cursed under his breath, closing the door quietly behind him before he rushed downstairs, following the smell of coffee to the kitchen.

Sora's eyes were red and puffy, but Roxas thought his own had to look even worse. At least they felt like it. His twin's skin was unusually pale, and even his dark hair seemed to droop more than usual. He stared down into his coffee mug, not even blinking.

"Sora," Roxas croaked, coughing dryly when his sore throat protested against usage with a dull, throbbing, scratchy ache.

Sora only winced and closed his eyes in response, putting the mug down.

"Sora," Roxas repeated, stepping closer, dropping to his knees without a warning and throwing his arms around his brother, who stared down at him in shock. "I'm so, so sorry..." Roxas sobbed, tears burning in his eyes once again. "You were right, you were so right... I'm sorry..."

"No, Roxas... I am the one who should be sorry," Sora replied softly, running one hand through Roxas' hair in a soothing motion. "I'm so sorry I yelled at you. I didn't mean to." He sighed deeply, rubbing his eyes wearily and petting Roxas' head, plucking at a golden strand gently. "I'm really sorry, but... nothing else seems to work anymore. I was afraid you wouldn't take me seriously if I just asked you... and... I must admit, I was a bit... angry at you... It's not fair to keep something like this from Axel. He has been through so much. And... you know... I was afraid... if you hurt Axel, that maybe Riku would..." He stopped and looked down blushing.

"I know, I'm sorry I never listened to you..." Roxas sighed too, letting go of Sora and sitting back on his heels. "I never wanted to hurt you, I..." He searched for the right words, but he just couldn't explain how he felt. Words couldn't express the regret, the sorrow he felt. "I'm sorry," he finished lamely, frustrated at his disability to put his feelings into words. He was so _good_ with words, dammit!

"I know," Sora said quietly, leaning forward to pet his head again. And with those two words he expressed everything he wanted.

_I know you didn't want to hurt me._

_I know you need me._

_I'm not mad at you._

_I love you, little brother._

_I will always be there for you._

_I hope you learned your lesson this time._

_Please, stop._

"You have half an hour to get ready," Sora said, smiling again and wiping a lone tear from Roxas' cheek. "Riku and Axel are going to pick us up. I'll make breakfast for you, okay?"

"Okay," Roxas whispered, standing up cautiously, carefully trying not to offend his sore back. Before Sora could walk away though, he pulled his brother in a tight hug. "Thank you, Sora."

"For what?" Sora chuckled, now sounding like his cheerful self again. It was a relief to hear him laugh again.

"For giving me a piece of your mind," Roxas answered, grinning crookedly. "For scaring some sense into me. You were absolutely right."

"Hm," Sora hummed, stepping back and turning around, searching the cupboards for Roxas' cereals. "So... you're gonna tell him then?"

"I have to," Roxas replied, still grinning helplessly, but now feeling very small and vulnerable. "But... please... All I ask for is one week. One week, and if I'm not able to tell him..."

"You will _have to_ be able, Roxas," Sora answered sternly, frowning at him. "One week. If you can't tell him within one week, I will."

"Okay," Roxas whispered again, running a hand through his hair tiredly. "Just what I wanted to ask."

* * *

**Author's Notes:** o.O Woah, Sora scares me when he starts yelling like that... Damn.

Hm. Well, don't worry, there will be more drama... more happy parts too, I guess, but mostly drama. Cuz' there is still a looooooong way to go until this story is finished. And this long way will take even longer now, because... well. College started last week, so I won't have as much time to write anymore. I'm sorry for that, but my studies are more important to me. Don't get me wrong, I love writing, and don't worry, I'll never give up this story, but it will take longer for me to write the next chapters. I'll try to keep the intervals between my updates under a month, but I can't promise anything. I hope you all understand that, and I hope you'll still keep reading it. But I think you will, because you all are so unbelievably awesome! Simply amazing! Thank you all so much!

And, well, keep telling me what you think!


	18. Chapter 17

**Summary:** His life had always been perfect, or at least so Roxas had liked to think. But overcoming his own fears for someone else isn't as easy as it seems. When both his own and his lover's past threatens their unstable relationship, Roxas has to face the truth: His life was far from perfect. But at least it was better than Axel's.

**Warnings:** Emo!Roxas is back! Yay! A bit kissing, a bit swearing, a bit emoness, a bit groping... o.O Where the hell did that come from?

**Pairings:** AkuRoku main, RikuxSora, ZexionxDemyx side pairings. Possible LeonxCloud later on. Much, much later though.

**Disclaimer:** Me owns not Kingdom Hearts. Duh.

**Chapter Dedication:** As always:

**Kuraieshi**, because she reads my fucking mind! Dammit, you scare me sometimes! o.O

**Riku-stalker**, _because_! Because what? Well, because she left reviews for almost every chapter already, and does not seem to intend to stop doing that. Just keep being awesome, and I'll keep writing as fast as I can.

**kotilo**, once again for the kitties! The ball of yarn is fucking _pink_! xD And you totally _can _draw serious stuff too!

**Thanks to:** You know you have to _tell me_ when I forgot to mention you here, don't you? So far nobody did, so I guess I didn't forget anyone.

Strange but true, there are still _new _reviewers: **ChaoticFiery, DatGurlOvrDerr, EtherealSonatist, .Neko-chan, Kel-Vampyre, Nathali, QueenStrata, SmashCatchum, TheInkOfDoom. **It still amazes me that new people seem to stumble over my story and find it worthy of a review. Thank you!

You would think people would get tired of reviewing almost every single chapter I post here, but noooooooo, some of you seem to like my story so much they press the cute little button at the end of the chapter after every single one. Thank you so much for that. You don't know how inspiring that is for me, to read that so many people read my story and like it so much. Really, if it weren't for you guys, I would've written a lot slower... or maybe I'd have stopped writing altogether. But now I can't do that anymore, and all thanks to you reviewers! Because I know some people out there would be after my blood if I did...

But enough of that! Enjoy!

* * *

**Perfect Match - Chapter 17**

Roxas didn't like the silence. Oh, he liked silence _in general_, but he couldn't stand the awkward silence that had engulfed the kitchen while he and Sora were eating. Yes, true, they often stayed silent while eating breakfast, but...

He didn't know why it annoyed him this time. Maybe because there was still this remaining trace of sadness in his twin's bright blue eyes and his usually much more cheerful smile.

He slowly pushed his bowl of cereal and milk aside. He hadn't been hungry to begin with, and somehow he felt downright sick now.

"I'm sorry," he whispered for the umpteenth time this morning, running a hand through his still slightly wet hair. He hadn't really bothered to dry off after his quick shower, just thrown on some clothes.

Sora only glanced up from his second mug of coffee briefly, a small smile grazing his lips.

"I know," he replied equally quiet, looking down again. "You said that already."

"But I..." Roxas tried again, desperately trying to convince his brother he was serious.

"I _know_, Roxy," Sora interrupted him softly, smiling again. "Me, too. For yelling at you. And for locking you out. That was mean."

"It was necessary," Roxas said darkly, looking down at his tightly clasped hands. His knuckles already turned white, but he just clasped them tighter, until his fingers hurt. "I'm such an idiot..."

"Sometimes," Sora agreed, then sighed when he noticed the crestfallen expression on his twin's face. "Roxas, I told you I'm not mad anymore. Stop that."

"Stop what?" Roxas hissed, instantly regretting the harsh tone. But Sora only shook his head and sighed again.

"Stop sulking," he explained and stood, stretching his arms over his head and yawning. He rubbed one eye cutely, tousling Roxas' hair with the other hand and grinning when Roxas pouted at that. "Stop worrying. Everything will turn out fine, you'll see."

"And if it won't? What if..." Roxas trailed off, not daring to finish the sentence. Sora knew what he wanted to say anyway.

"He will understand if you explain everything to him," Sora said smiling. "And now stop frowning like that. It'll give you wrinkles one day..."

"I'm serious, Sora," Roxas whispered hoarsely. "What if he doesn't understand?"

"I'm serious too, and I think he will," Sora replied, but the smile grew a bit sadder, his eyes a bit softer. "Really, Roxas, the longer you wait, the harder it will get."

Roxas stayed silent, just watching as his brother left the kitchen, still seeming rather sad, but at least smiling again.

Sora was right. And a tiny part of him hated his brother for being right. Of course it would be better if he told Axel about his 'experiments' as soon as possible, but he couldn't stand the thought of losing the redhead... Even if he overreacted and Axel forgave him everything, the redhead would never look at him the way he did now. He would no longer see _Sunshine_ when he looked at Roxas, but would see... a selfish, cruel brat. Roxas couldn't believe Axel would still be able to like him after he told him everything.

How could anybody like him when he wasn't able to like himself? He still didn't know why even his own brother was still able to care for him... after all the things he had done... Sora knew _everything_, and had _yet_ always stayed with him...

His friends would hate him if he told them what he had done, if they could see how corrupted he was... It was strange enough they seemed to like him despite his obvious flaws, his moodiness, all of his many imperfections... It was a miracle they stayed with him without expecting him to give something back.

He _had_ done that for a long time. He had 'bought' himself many friends when he had been younger, when he and Sora had started attending school. When a guy had wanted the newest gaming console, he had bought it and given it to him. When a girl had wanted this trendy bracelet, he had presented it to her the next day. He had only seen they seemed to like his presents, and had been happy about them liking him.

Sora came back into the kitchen, chewing on the remains of a granola bar, and Roxas followed his every move with narrowed eyes.

_Sora_ had managed to make friends without bribing them into liking him with presents. _Sora_ had never had problems making friends. _Sora_ had always been open and cheerful, unlike Roxas himself, who had always been rather shy.

Roxas could still remember their first day in kindergarten... He had been so scared of all the other kids, and had begged his brother to stay with him... Sora had promised he'd never let go of his hand, but not even half an hour later Roxas had been sitting in a corner of the big room filled with toys, all alone, crying his eyes out, while Sora had played with other kids in the garden.

Of course Sora had been devastated when he had realized what he had done, and had apologized to Roxas the whole way home, had given Roxas his dessert and had promised over and over he'd never leave his brother alone again, and the next day he had really stayed with Roxas, and they really had had fun... but Roxas had noticed Sora had always looked outside, to where some of the other kids had been playing, and he had felt bad for holding Sora back.

That had been the first time Roxas had tried to hold in his feelings for his brother's sake. He had told Sora he could go play outside, while he stayed inside himself and tried to play with other kids than his twin, even though he hadn't really known how to be nice to kids other than his brother. From then on Sora had been the more athletic twin, who almost always played outside and came home caked with mud from head to toe, whereas Roxas had been the one who learned how to write and to read even before he started primary school, almost all by himself. From then on their parents had always referred to them as 'Sora, our Sporty Twin' and 'Roxas, our Smart Twin' when talking about them with relatives or coworkers.

Sora had never been quite as popular as Roxas, but _his_ friends had stayed. Roxas' had not. Roxas had been jealous of how much fun Sora had seemed to have with Kairi and Tidus and Selphie and Wakka... He had been jealous of how much fun Sora had seemed to have with anybody but _him_, his own _twin brother_. So he had tried to 'buy' himself more friends, if only to prove to Sora he didn't have to worry about him all the time. He had started to give them presents, and he had been invited for sleepovers or birthday parties way more often than his twin. Roxas had never liked being parted from his beloved brother, and Sora had often tried to make Roxas stay with him... But there had always been this feeling of guilt, there had always been this small voice in Roxas, telling him he was only a burden for his brother, that Sora was much happier without him. Roxas had grown even quieter, but he had never ceased smiling, even if he didn't really feel like it. It had been around that time, Sora had hinted Roxas' friends only seemed to like him because of the money he spent on them.

So Roxas had stopped giving them presents. And they had stopped liking him. Easy as that.

Roxas had been hurt. It had hurt to realize nobody seemed to like him for who he was. But he had never cried about it. And it had been Sora who had helped him, who had sneaked into Roxas' room at night and held him close, until at least this feeling of emptiness had gone away. It had been Sora who had been there for him when nobody else did, and with help from his brother Roxas had found new friends... Hayner, Pence, Olette and Namine. But he had been wounded deeply. Nobody but Sora and maybe Namine had been able to really see how much it had hurt him to see his former friends act like they didn't even know him as soon as he was with his brother and his new friends, and how much it had hurt when they had wanted to press him to spend his money on them as soon as he had been alone. One year later Roxas had started to 'test' them. And it had been so _easy_...

Of course all of his former 'friends' had been overjoyed given the chance to go home with him again, thinking he would start spending even more money on them if they were together, like he had told them... The first one he had ever 'tested', a pretty girl called Alicia, had fallen for his lies immediately, all too eager to please him. She had suggested celebrating the start of their relationship with an expensive dinner in a fancy restaurant on one of the smaller islands...

Looking back, Roxas had to be thankful this girl had been so greedy. It had made it easier for him to tell her exactly how much he hated her, with a calm, serene smile on his face that belied the fury burning in his heart. He had watched her running away crying, relishing the dark feeling of triumph welling up inside his heart.

Alicia had told her friends about it. Nobody had believed her. Back in school Roxas had acted completely normal. Back in school he had been the perfect little boy again, and nobody had ever been able to believe he could act this cruel. Nobody had ever been able to look behind the carefully constructed mask of innocence and naivety. It had taken him no more than a faked, sad, innocent look to divert suspicions from himself and to persuade people into thinking Alicia had been the one who had tried to take advantage of him. In Roxas' eyes, it had not even been a lie. She had been after his money, had tried to take advantage of Roxas' popularity.

Nobody else had ever dared to talk about it again. Alicia had switched schools one month afterwards, known and hated as the rapacious slut who had tried to seduce poor, innocent, sensitive Roxas. Roxas believed this was the main reason why none of his other 'test objects' had ever tried to make his actions public again.

Roxas had watched her go away again, and again he had smiled at her coldly, making her cry with the coldness of his gaze alone. Watching her cry, seeing the guilt written all over her face, had helped him smother the last bit of regret he had been feeling. He had to have been right all along. She had even believed herself she had been the one at fault.

She was the last one who's name Roxas could remember. After her, his 'test subjects' had become 'test _objects_'. After her, the pain had stopped. The only feelings that had remained had been anger and the dark pleasure he had felt every time he saw the shock and guilt in his experiment's faces.

At least until Sora had found out about it. Of course people had noticed that Roxas took people with him almost every day, and even though Roxas had been careful to keep them away from his brother, someone had mentioned it to him one day. The fight they had had because of it had been awful... Yet not as bad as the one yesterday. Back then Roxas had been the one who had done most of the yelling.

And now Roxas was still watching Sora, who had already done the dishes and stowed away the food in the meantime, and he still couldn't believe Sora had yelled at him like he had done yesterday. The way he acted now was more like him. He was still sad and a bit angry, even though he told Roxas differently. But he didn't show it, tried to smile so his little brother wouldn't worry anymore. That was how Sora was. Not like he had been yesterday. No, Sora was the good twin. The forgiving twin. The understanding twin.

Only now Sora noticed his brother had been staring at him the whole time.

"Roxy? Are you alright? Do you want to stay at home today? I can tell Axel if you want," he said, and the way he acted, the way he smiled, the way he was so _perfect_, so caring, always thinking about others first... It made Roxas feel even worse.

What he had done had to have been even more awful than he had thought, for Sora to act like he had done yesterday.

Roxas was the bad twin. The selfish twin. The vindictive twin.

"Why can't I be more like you?" he whispered barely audible, and immediately wished he hadn't said it at all.

Sora's smile faded away, and he hurried to sit next to his brother, who hid his face in his hands, groaning quietly. Great. Now Sora would worry about him even more. Well done, Roxas, well done.

"Sorry," he mumbled, letting his hands fall onto the table and starting to draw random patterns on the cool surface with cold fingers. He didn't dare to look up, dreading the look Sora would give him. It would be understanding and sad and sympathetic, and it would make him feel even worse. Because it would remind him of how stupid he had been. It would remind him how close he had been to losing the only person who had always been there for him.

"No, don't say that," Sora replied gently, grasping one of Roxas' hands with both of his own. He didn't wear his gloves yet, Roxas noticed only now. "Don't say you're sorry. There is no reason to..."

"But I _am_, and stop acting so... so..." Roxas bit his lip hard, trying to hold back the angry words, which threatened to spill from his traitorous mouth. It wasn't Sora's fault. Roxas had hurt his brother enough already.

"I see," Sora said slowly, leaning back on his chair and sighing deeply. He looked up to the ceiling thoughtfully, running both hands through his chocolate colored hair and picking and the spikes while he thought about... whatever it was he thought about.

Roxas already wanted to go, to escape the horrible silence that filled the kitchen once more. But Sora grabbed his arm without even looking at him, closing his eyes and sighing once more.

"Roxas," he finally said, his voice free of even the last trace of anger. "I told you this already, but somehow I don't believe you understood what I said." He looked Roxas straight in the eye, and Roxas saw nothing but pure honesty in his twin's bright eyes. "You are my brother. You are my _twin_. You are a part of me, and nothing, _nothing_ you could ever do could make me love you less. You could start your stupid experiments once again, and I would still love you. You could chose not to tell Axel anything, and as much as I would disapprove of your choice, I would still love you. You could stop talking to me if I chose to tell him everything, and I would still love you, even though it would hurt me. You could _kill_ somebody, and I would still love you, because you are my little brother. Nothing in all the worlds there are could change my love for you. Do you understand that?"

_That's not true. You already like Riku more than me._

"And that I'm together with Riku now doesn't change anything," Sora continued, making Roxas stare at him wide-eyed. Sometimes Roxas really believed his brother could read his thoughts. Scary. "It's something completely different. You can't compare my feelings for him with the bond _we_ share. That's not fair. And besides..." Sora grinned, and Roxas felt his face heat up slowly at this teasing grin. "_You_ were the one who told me you _loved_ Axel only yesterday. If anything, _I_ would have a reason to be jealous!"

"No, you don't," Roxas protested weakly, hiding his blush with both hands. "That's not..." He stopped himself, and finally his brother's words sunk in.

"... the same," Sora finished for him. "My point exactly." He stood, again tousling Roxas' hair grinning. "I think we have to talk about this someday. But now we have to go. I bet they are already waiting for us."

"Yeah," Roxas nodded, following his twin and holding him back to hug him briefly. "Thank you, Sora."

"Again, for what?" Sora laughed and wrestled himself free. Roxas smiled too, even though his heart wasn't in it. It was simply too soon to laugh again, after their stupid fight...

"For being you," he answered, feeling at least a bit better when Sora laughed at him again. Feigning a smile seemed to be easier, as long as Sora stayed with him.

* * *

Axel and Riku waited outside for them, both of them leaning against the walls surrounding the mansion the twins lived in. Both boys instantly narrowed their eyes at the twins when they spotted them.

"Shit, you two should try to sleep one day," Axel said frowning, flicking away the half-smoked cigarette he had been holding between two fingers.

"Yes, you know, lie down, close your eyes, _sleep_. It's kind of refreshing," Riku added, examining the twins more closely. "Are you _okay_?"

"Don't worry," Sora exclaimed chipper, laughing at the silver haired boy who blinked at him confused. "We're fine."

"We should go," Roxas added, smiling briefly and hurrying to follow his brother, who had started to walk down the street. He didn't come far.

"Ah-ah, Sunshine, what do you think you're doing, running away from me like that?" Axel purred and pulled him back, gently kissing the back of his neck and nuzzling the soft curls of blond hair.

Roxas had to suppress a loud yelp, but he couldn't help a choked giggle at the tender gesture.

"That _tickles_!" he shrieked, trying to wiggle his way out of the redhead's embrace.

"Oh, good to know," Axel grinned and nudged the same spot again, causing Roxas to giggle again.

"Roxas," a soft voice said, and instantly Roxas stopped laughing. He looked up, staring at Sora who smiled sadly. Sora shook his head, looking down and starting to walk away.

"I see," Sora murmured when he walked past Roxas, still smiling this small, seemingly frustrated smile. "I really thought you'd take me seriously for once."

Roxas reached out and grabbed his brother's hand, holding him back. Sora glanced at him wearily.

"I _do_," Roxas whispered, and he meant it. He never wanted to see Sora so mad again. He never wanted Sora to yell again like he had done yesterday. "One week. Please."

Sora sighed, looked at Roxas skeptically again, then nodded.

"I already promised you one week, didn't I?" he said quietly, nodding again. "Fine. One week." He glanced at Axel, who looked from one twin to the other confused. "But I think you should just get over with it."

"Get over with what?" Axel asked, whereas Roxas just nodded, signaling his brother he understood what he was trying to say. It would only be harder the longer he waited, but... he had to wait for the right moment to tell Axel everything.

Sora smiled again, then turned and took Riku's hand gently, grinning at the silver haired boy.

"Hey," he said softly, ignoring Axel, who asked what he had meant again.

"Hey," Riku replied thoughtfully, kissing Sora's cheek gently. "Wanna tell me what that was about?"

"No," Sora denied still smiling.

"Okay," Riku said shrugging. "Shall we?"

"Yep," Sora chirped happily and followed Riku.

Roxas had to smile, despite the sudden pang of jealousy he felt when he saw how his brother looked at this almost-stranger, how he and Riku seemed to get along almost too well. He felt like back when they had been kids, jealous of everybody who might take his brother away from him... But at the same time he felt happy, because Sora was happy.

It was the first time he was actually able to feel happy for his brother. And when he saw how fondly Riku glanced at Sora, blushing lightly when Sora caught him staring and poked his side playfully, Roxas finally understood what Sora had wanted to tell him.

This was different. What Sora felt for Riku was incomparable to what he and Roxas had. They would always be brothers, no matter what happened.

"Yeah, just ignore me! Alright!" Axel growled peeved, his arm still lying around Roxas' shoulders. "What _was_ that all about? Did you two have a fight or something?"

Roxas felt a slight sting to his heart at the redhead's words. "You could say that," he mumbled, grabbing the arm around him and pulling it away a bit, grasping a long-fingered hand instead and dragging Axel after him. "We have to go."

"Roxas," Axel said softly, holding Roxas back and capturing his lips in a soft kiss to stifle his protests. "Did you have a fight with your brother because of me?"

Again there was the sadness, the guilt and shame... How on earth had Axel been able to guess that? And why did he have to be so... empathetic about it? Dammit...

Oh, how was he supposed to resist this dream of a guy? Why the heck couldn't Axel act more like the tattoos suggested? Roxas wished the redhead wouldn't sound so honest... that he wouldn't act so caring... that he wouldn't be so _perfect_...

And shit, why did he have to look more handsome with every passing day?

"You should wear red more often," he said, grinning nervously and looking away. "Suits you."

Axel's answer was an amused snort, and he raised his brows questioningly. "Don't I know?" he asked smirking, smoothing down his red and black checkered button-up shirt and the black t-shirt underneath it. "Thought you'd like that one."

"You bet!" Roxas exclaimed cheerfully, again trying to drag Axel with him. "Come on, I want to show off with you..."

"Roxas," the redhead repeated softly, holding him back again. "Why did you two argue?"

_Because of you of course! What else?_

"Nothing important," Roxas lied and looked away again. Shit, why was it so hard to lie now? He had never had a problem before... It wasn't that much of a lie, but somehow it felt so wrong not to tell Axel the whole truth...

For a short moment Roxas wanted to tell him everything. But the moment passed, and he couldn't bring himself to say anything. He was too scared. This wasn't the right moment.

"You're lying," Axel said.

"And you're nosy," Roxas growled back, wrenching his arm away and starting to walk away a bit faster than necessary. Of course Axel caught up with him effortlessly, just when Roxas passed the gates to the small park he had to cross every day to get to school.

"And you're acting strange," Axel replied darkly, frowning at Roxas.

"And you're annoying," Roxas hissed, trying to suppress the fear making his voice tremble.

"Oh, _am_ I?" Axel stopped abruptly.

"Yesterday you said you wouldn't force me to do anything I'm not ready to!" Roxas yelled, feeling awful.

What was he _doing_? He didn't want to chase Axel away! Why was he acting so... nervous and snappy?

Okay, yes, he knew why.

He. Was. _Scared_. Yes, he had been scared for most of the time the last days, no, the last _weeks_. He had been scared Axel could hate him after he had learned what had happened to the redhead and his friends. He had been scared Axel could despise him for being so weak, when he had broken out in tears at the beach, when he had apologized... He had been scared Axel could reject him. He had been scared he wouldn't be good enough for the redhead. He had been scared his brother wouldn't approve of his choice. He had been scared his friends wouldn't approve.

But now, now that they actually _were_ together, _officially_, it was even _worse_! Especially after the fight he had had with his brother. Now he was scared he could do something, _anything_ that could drive Axel away. He was scared of telling him the truth, because he was _sure_ that_ would_ drive Axel away. Just _being himself_ would drive the redhead away. But acting and lying would probably do that even faster... He needed to tell the redhead the truth, because if he didn't... Oh God, he didn't even want to _think_ about it. He could still hear Sora yelling at him.

And _because_ he was so scared he acted so _stupid_. To hell with it, where had his self-control gone? He should be able to control his feelings, like he had done the last years. Why was it so hard to hold himself back? A few months ago he would never have reacted as... emotional as he had done the last days. He had never cried so much in his damn _life_! Not even when his grandmother had died. Not when his parents had left him and Sora alone. Not when he had realized for the first time how many of his 'friends' only wanted to be with him because they expected him to... buy them presents or things like that.

And now he was here, and he felt like crying again! Because he was scared, and now Axel was mad at him, and Sora was mad at him, and...

"I said that, didn't I?" Axel mused, starting to play with his silver lighter, like he always did when he was nervous.

"What?" Roxas breathed, feeling even worse when he heard how shaky his voice sounded.

Axel's head jerked around, a look of surprise and alarm on the redhead's face, green eyes widening when he noticed Roxas was already trembling and trying to suppress tears.

"Sunshine?" the redhead asked cautiously, and for a brief moment Roxas thought...

He thought... that maybe... maybe it would be better if Axel broke up with him. That... maybe... m-maybe...

"Oh _God_," escaped him with a sob, and he barely made it over to the next bench, flopping down on it when his legs finally gave out under him. He laid one hand over his eyes, fisted the other one in his hair, tried to force air down his constricted throat. "Oh God, no, nonononono..."

"S... Roxas?" He felt a hand touch his shoulder and jerked away, shaking his head fiercely and pulling at his collar, trying to fend off the overwhelming urge to scream.

"Nonono, _don't_, please..." he whispered hoarsely, confused and upset, not knowing what he was pleading for. He knew he didn't want Axel to go away. It was exactly like Sora had said. He was _selfish_. He wanted nothing more than to have the redhead for himself, and he wanted to do everything to make him stay. But at the same time he wanted to do the _right_ thing and tell Axel everything, he didn't want to establish their relationship on... on...

Damn, what _was_ the basis of their relationship? Axel knew nothing about him. Axel didn't know that Roxas was such a brat, that Roxas was selfish, that Roxas always thought about himself first... that Roxas was the _last_ thing Axel needed to heal completely...

How could Roxas even think about himself like this? How could he think about how much it would hurt _himself_ if Axel chose to leave him again? Why couldn't he think about how much it would hurt _Axel_? _Why was he such a selfish beast_? Oh, of course he _knew_ Axel would hurt too, but it was himself who always came _first_. And he _hated_ himself for it. He hated himself more every fucking day.

And the more he thought about it, the more he realized he knew about as much about Axel as the redhead did know about him. Which was about nothing. Oh yes, he knew Axel was an orphan, he knew what had happened to him when Riku's brothers had kidnapped him, he knew he liked chemistry and he knew the redhead liked fire. He knew hundred small things, like his favorite color, favorite music, unimportant things like that. But almost all of those things he had come to know through Axel's friends. The redhead himself had always been careful not to tell anything about his past. Roxas didn't know... he didn't know how Axel's _life_ had been before he had met him. He knew it had to have been awful, from what he had heard from his friends, but...

He... he didn't even know...

"Roxas?" Axel sat down next to him, wrapping his arms around Roxas' trembling shoulders. Roxas couldn't move, just stared ahead, still feeling like he could start to cry every moment. He didn't, but it took every ounce of self control he had to hold the tears back. He took a deep breath to calm himself down, closed his eyes, took in the tranquilizing, familiar scent of cigarettes and cinnamon and caramel, simply savoring the moment.

"Why are you here?" he heard himself ask, and he could almost visualize Axel blinking at him confused, could clearly picture the redhead cocking his head to the side slightly. He could envision clearly how the sunlight, which was falling through the leaves above them, had to cast beautiful patterns of shadow and light onto the other boy's radiant hair and delicately chiseled features and slender body. But he didn't dare to open his eyes, knowing that he would falter and refrain from explaining if he did. He knew he would take his question back once he looked into those brilliant emerald eyes.

"I promised I'd pick you up, didn't I?" Axel said, confusion evident in his soft voice.

"Why do you want to be with me?" Roxas queried, still keeping his eyes closed. He hoped Axel understood what he meant, because he doubted he'd be able to fully explain what he meant right now.

For a moment the redhead stayed silent. Then Roxas heard him sigh, and he felt Axel rest his head on Roxas' shoulder, hugging him closer and grasping one of his hands gently.

"What do you want to hear?" Axel whispered into his ear, and Roxas couldn't help but shiver at the closeness, couldn't help the small gasp that escaped him when he felt Axel kiss his neck, just below his ear.

"The truth," he managed to reply breathlessly, briefly wishing nobody would come and disturb their moment.

"I already told you the truth," Axel told him, apparently smiling. At least his voice sounded like it.

"Then tell me again," Roxas demanded, finally opening his eyes, immediately losing himself in the emerald depths of his boyfriend's almond-shaped eyes. Axel was still smiling, but it seemed more... thoughtful now. Insecure even.

Axel bit his lower lip uneasily, then sighed.

"You want to know why I like you?" he asked, glancing at Roxas. The blond nodded, and the redhead sighed once more. "Fine. Only fair after that speech of yours yesterday..." Roxas had to grin shakily when he noticed Axel was blushing, but it didn't last long. "But I'm not really good at stuff like that, so be patient with me, okay?"

"Axel, please," Roxas begged, forcing himself not to freak out completely. He needed to stop doing that. He knew it scared Axel, and he didn't want that. Not now. He really needed to hear it.

"Just a second," Axel said frowning, looking down and chewing on his lip again. Roxas almost wanted to cry out again, when the redhead finally replied. "I like you, because... well, there are a few obvious things. You're cute, for one. And you're smart, and spirited, and funny. You stand up for your friends. You even stood up for Demyx when you barely even knew him, and you stood up for me when you were... mad at me..." He closed his eyes, then looked up to the blue sky, shaking his head as if to drive away the memories. "You're working hard, but on the other hand you don't hesitate to do something... crazy if you're feeling like it." He chuckled amusedly. "Like improvise a fake theater scene and acting it out in front of dozens of people. You're popular, but you don't give a shit about it. You're not afraid to tell people off, even if they are members of your _fanclub_... Like those girls yesterday." He grinned, but grew serious again quickly when he noticed the pleading look Roxas was giving him. He sighed again. "Well... those are the obvious things. That's why about everybody would like to be with you," he carried on, reaching up to play with a lock of Roxas' hair. "But there is so much more. I like you because I think you're not only cute, but..." He stopped, obviously fighting to say something. Roxas watched as his beloved redhead paled a bit, but he couldn't bring himself to stop him. He wanted to hear all of it. He _needed_ to hear it.

"You... you are_ beautiful_," Axel forced out, biting his lip briefly and looking down again, obviously feeling very uncomfortable. "I don't know how else to describe you. What I said yesterday... in that hallway, it was true. I like the way... the sun highlights your hair with different shades of gold. I like how soft it feels, and how it smells so sweet, and I like how it has always this slightly tousled look to it. I like it when you pout, because you're so unbearably cute when you do that. I like how you are just small enough to fit in my arms smoothly. And of course I like your eyes. I like the way they shine when you laugh, and I like the sound of your laughter... You know, I even argued with Riku about that." He laughed, and Roxas couldn't help but think he liked Axel's laughter way better. "He said Sora's smile is more beautiful than yours. I think yours is way more precious, because it's so... rare. I mean... your _real_ smile. The one that reaches your eyes and that makes me want to lock you up somewhere... so _I_ can be the only one you smile for, so _I_ can be the only one who sees your true smile..."

Roxas blinked surprised, feeling a hot blush spreading over his face. Axel grinned sheepishly, his cheeks changing color too, although just a slight pink. Not the dark crimson Roxas' own face felt like.

"I know that sounds corny, so don't look at me like that," the redhead laughed, then grasped Roxas' hand again and raised it to his lips briefly. "I can't help it. You make me feel that way. You are an_ angel_, and... every time I look at you I want to fall on my knees and worship you, because you're the most gorgeous little guy I've ever seen, with the most amazing personality to match, and I still can't believe you... you chose _me_ out of all people... I mean... you could have anybody else, and yet you chose to be with a... tainted... broken... nervous wreck like me..."

Roxas wanted to say something, _anything_ to get this forlorn look off the redhead's face, but Axel just pulled him closer and continued to whisper into his ear, making him shiver and close his eyes with a small sigh.

"You are flawless, but not only on the outside," Axel carried on quietly, ignoring when Roxas tried to shove him away weakly. "Even your faults don't change that. I don't mind that you are acting difficult sometimes... Or that you can't accept what I feel for you without hesitation. I don't mind that you seem to be scared of opening up." He laughed nervously. "Trust me, I can relate to that. But... even though you're scared, I know you try to be strong, so I don't have to worry about you..."

"But you _do_," Roxas retorted rather sharply, frowning when Axel laughed again.

"Of course I do," the redhead replied amused. "But that's fine. As long as you come to _me_ when you're sad... You know, I actually like the vulnerable side you're showing when you're around me sometimes... You are... _perfect_. You are intelligent, and independent, brave... but at the same time you are sensitive, and sometimes, when you are sad, I just want to... hold you and never let go. You make me wish I could..." Axel trailed off and frowned, looking to the side. "No... how do I say that..." He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose, then ran his hand through his spiky hair.

"I... I'm sorry, you don't have to..." Roxas started, suddenly feeling uncomfortable for making Axel say all those things. But Axel only smiled at him and shook his head, kissing Roxas' forehead softly.

"Yes, I do," he replied gently. "I have to make you believe I am serious about all this. I know you don't believe me, but... I really, _really_ like you, Roxas. Because you make me forget about all the bad things that happened to me."

Roxas stared at him dumbfounded, not able to respond to that. He tried to think of something to reply to this confession, but the only thing that came to his mind was a simple 'Thank you'... and that somehow didn't seem to fit.

"You _do_," Axel confirmed, smiling again and then sighing, closing his eyes for a second. When he opened them again, Roxas wanted nothing more than to stop the words leaving the redhead's mouth, because he could see those green eyes grow sadder with every word. "When I'm around you, the only thing I'm able to care for is you. The only thing I can care for is... protecting you... So I can always see you smile. I don't think about... about the accident where my parents died. I don't think about the orphanage, about... the kids there... Or about K-..." He squeezed his eyes shut once again, taking a deep breath. "I don't think about Kadaj and his brothers. Even Demy and the others remind me of that. You're the only one who... makes me _forget_..." He stopped himself again, and Roxas reached out without thinking, gently grasping his hand and intertwining their fingers when he recognized the blank look that threatened to fill the redhead's emerald eyes.

"You make me feel like I'm not... tainted," Axel continued, his voice barely more than a whisper, and he looked away, no longer able to meet Roxas' gaze. "You make me feel _normal_. When I first met you I thought being near you would only remind me of how corrupted I am. You know, just because you're so cute and innocent, and I'm... a freak." He shrugged and smiled sadly, shaking his head when Roxas wanted to protest. "I know you don't think that. That's the main reason why I like you. You don't look at me like other people do, and that makes me feel... I don't know... just _normal_. No... kind of... special even... Like..." He grinned sheepishly, blushing once again. "I don't know how to say it. I told you I wasn't good with things like that."

Roxas couldn't believe his ears. He hadn't known the redhead thought about him like this. He almost dared to feel happy about it, but the next words made his blood run cold in his veins, made him want to stop breathing and die on the spot.

"You are honest... and sincere. And forgiving, and caring," Axel continued thoughtfully, the grin slowly fading from his face, not looking at Roxas and thus not noticing the tears welling up in his eyes. "I mean... you care about your brother a lot, and of course about your friends... But not only that, you help people without expecting anything in return. Like... back when we first met. When you and Sora followed us to Aerith' office. You wanted to help, even though you didn't even know us... and you didn't ask for anything in return."

_Not true. I wanted you. I wanted to kiss you. I was nice because I wanted _you. _I didn't even care about Demyx or Riku or Zexion. The only thing I wanted was you. That's why I was nice. That's why I acted like I did._

"You're not afraid to show your feelings, at least not when you're around me."

_I am afraid. I just can't help it. Because you make me lose my mind. Because you make me go crazy. But I am, I am so afraid... I'm so afraid of losing you, and it makes me do silly things..._

"You say what you think. You don't lie to me..."

_Not directly... I just don't tell you the truth..._

"Stop," he whispered, desperately trying to keep the sorrow filling his heart out of his voice, averting his gaze, bowing his head, so Axel couldn't see the expression on his face.

It wasn't him. This person Axel saw... this person Axel liked... it wasn't Roxas. It was someone called _Sunshine_. Axel seemed to have forgotten about Roxas trying to kiss him the first day they had met... seemed to have forgotten about their kiss on the beach, next to the bonfire...

"Roxas?" he caught the concerned voice of the boy next to him, almost indistinguishable over the loud pounding of his heart. Why it still beat, he would never know... Broken hearts weren't supposed to beat, he was sure of it.

It wasn't him Axel liked. It wasn't_ him_.

"Hey," Axel tried to attract his attention again, gently laying both hands onto Roxas' shoulders. "Did I say something wrong? I'm sorry, but you wanted me to tell the truth, and I really..."

"No." Roxas reached up to lay a hand over Axel's mouth tenderly. "You didn't do anything wrong."

_It's me. It's me who fucked up everything. It's me who probably put all we have at risk, just because I'm such an unbelievable coward._

He was still looking down, tried to fight sorrow and anguish tearing him apart from the inside. Yes, it hurt to notice people didn't like him for what he was, but for what he acted like. He was six again, and someone he really cared for only liked him because of the presents he gave them. The presents being him acting innocent and cute, hiding behind a fake person named _Sunshine_ to make them feel better, hurting himself in the process.

And yet... underneath the pain, there was a desperate hope, hope it wasn't too late.

And there was fear, so much fear of being rejected.

And there was confusion, and need, and hundreds, thousands of different feelings, but underneath them was something that frightened Roxas even more. There was a feeling of emptiness. There was the hollow void he had used to lock his feelings away, waiting for him to use it again, to prevent him from getting hurt.

It was tempting, oh so tempting, to at least try it. Try to hide his feelings, even though he had never been happier in his life, despite all the pain and hurt and sorrow. He was still happy, knowing Axel liked him back... Now that he finally had been able to admit he might even love the redhead. Yes, he had been upset and confused when he had blurted it out in front of his brother, but he didn't doubt it was true.

He _loved_ Axel.

Roxas smiled, and the emptiness vanished. He looked up again, the hand over Axel's mouth moved to the redhead's smooth cheek, Roxas' somewhat cold fingers tracing the tattoo on pale skin, his eyes wandering over his beautiful boyfriend's face fascinated.

Emerald eyes watched him puzzled, questioningly. Axel seemed to want to ask him something again, but refrained from doing so, just looking at him. Roxas rewarded him with a chaste, sweet kiss, moving to sit on the redhead's lap, straddling his hips and huddling up against the other boy's slender frame, resting his head on Axel's shoulder. Lanky arms closed around him soon afterwards, and he smiled even wider when he felt Axel brush stray strands of his golden hair out of his face. Roxas sighed contentedly, not even bothering to open his eyes.

"What was that for?" Axel asked gently, rubbing Roxas' arms tenderly. Roxas tried to snuggle even closer to him, laying both his arms around his redhead's slim waist.

"For being amazing... and stunning... and downright _lovable_," he answered, and he could've sworn he could _feel_ Axel blush. When he looked up he had to giggle, noticing the faint pink dusting pale cheeks.

"Jeez, Roxas, stop doing that," the redhead growled, flicking Roxas' nose playfully. "I'm supposed to be the man in this relationship. _I_ should be the one who showers _you_ with flattery."

Roxas laughed and smacked the side of Axel's head with his flat hand. Axel yelped exaggeratedly loud, smirking and trying to grab Roxas' sides. Roxas somehow managed to catch both of the redhead's wrists, holding them as far away from his body as possible, still laughing freely.

It was nice to laugh like that. But it was even nicer when Axel leaned forward to catch his lips in a searing, hungry kiss, still smirking when he wrenched one of his arms away and used it to...

Roxas froze, his eyes shooting open impossibly wide, breaking their kiss with a loud gasp. Axel peered at him from under dark lashes, his smirk growing only wider at Roxas' scandalized expression.

"A-Axel..." Roxas breathed shakily, just a tiny little bit angry his voice didn't seem to work properly anymore. He had wanted to yell, dammit, not to whisper like that...

"Yes?" Axel purred exhilarated, using Roxas' confusion to free his other hand from the blond's weakened grasp. Roxas let out a highly embarrassing shriek when the redhead's second hand joined the first.

"What are you_ doing_?" he squeaked, blushing heavily both at his own embarrassing reaction and at the highly amused smirk pulling at Axel's thin lips.

"I'm touching you inappropriately, Sweetie," the redhead replied grinning, emphasizing his words by squeezing gently. Roxas bit down onto his lower lip hard, to hold back any kind of embarrassing noise that threatened to spill from his mouth. Axel chuckled, giving Roxas another sly look. "What I am doing here _exactly_ is called 'Groping Sunshine's cute little ass'," he explained placidly. "Which reminds me... you should wear jeans more often. Feels nice."

Roxas gaped at him unbelievingly, wondering where the fuck his boyfriend was and who the hell this guy could be...

"Y... You... Y-You _pervert_!" he spluttered, trying to shove Axel away. The only problem was... He was still straddling Axel's hips, and the redhead seemed to be unwilling to let him go.

"Aw, Sunshine, you break my heart!" Axel pouted, giving yet another good squeeze that made Roxas whimper. "You don't like it?"

"What? No! I... do, but... Argh! Leggoofmeeeeeeee!" Roxas yelled embarrassed, punching a bony shoulder rather hard. Axel grimaced slightly, then started to laugh. And he still didn't retract his hands from their place on Roxas' behind... Not that it felt _bad_, actually Roxas quite enjoyed the feeling, but... "Not in _public_, you sicko!"

Axel smirked again at this, pulling his hands away, making sure to let them glide over Roxas' thighs teasingly before he raised them to cross them behind his head. Roxas had to force himself to breathe properly, trying to ignore the tingles and shivers that threatened to take over his whole body.

"You know you just gave me a carte blanche to grope you as much as I want when we're alone, don't you?" Axel replied smugly, again giving Roxas this sly, seductive look...

For a moment Roxas could only stare at him, embarrassed and dumbfounded and probably blushing like there were no other parts of his body needing blood, other than his cheeks (Well, there were other parts blood was rushing to, but Roxas didn't even dare to _think_ about those! This was embarrassing enough without him... ehm... _Bad thoughts_!). He blinked a few times, still staring, mesmerized by the way halfway closed, deep emerald eyes twinkled at him, mesmerized by the way the redhead's vibrant hair swayed gently in a warm breeze, which made the leaves on the trees surrounding them rustle and whisper. Shadows danced over pale, oh so pale skin, and Roxas found himself unable to tear his gaze away from the beauteous sight.

Before he could stop himself, his hands shot up to grab handfuls of fiery red spikes, and he stifled Axel's surprised gasp by crushing their lips together in a bruising kiss. He didn't even let the redhead time to react, nor did he let him utter a single word of protest. When he felt Axel try to pull away he followed, closing the gap between them and grinding his body hard against the redhead's thinner one, wanting, needing, yearning for more friction between them. He moaned into the other boy's mouth, feeling light-headed and hot and edgy at the same time... Axel was so warm, so _warm_...

But suddenly his lust-clouded mind registered something... something very alarming. Shaking hands trying to push him away weakly. Trembling lips parted, yet not responding. No breathing.

Well, _shit_.

Roxas froze, opening his eyes and pulling away a bit, staring into wide, frightened, emerald orbs uneasily. He slowly, carefully pulled his hands from soft red hair, gently resting them on suddenly deathly pale cheeks instead, trying to calm down both his raging hormones and his racing heart.

Axel pressed his mouth shut immediately, blinking rapidly and seemingly staring right through Roxas, his eyes wide and unfocused.

"Axel?" Roxas whispered feverishly, placing a soft peck on tightly closed, trembling lips. "Breathe, _please_!"

Slender hands cramped around Roxas' waist painfully, but he didn't even notice it, relieved to see Axel take in a shaky breath. The redhead laid his head back, looking up to the sky, eyes still so eerily empty.

Roxas knew he should have been scared. Axel was obviously near having yet another flashback, and the whole situation should have reminded him of the scene at the beach... yet it didn't. Even though Axel had gripped his hips so hard it already hurt, and even though the way the redhead was breathing unevenly and the way he didn't seem to acknowledge Roxas was exactly the same it had been back then, Roxas could think of nothing else but helping his beloved redhead.

He didn't hesitate, but laid his hands on pale, tattooed cheeks again gently, carefully forcing Axel to look at him.

"Axel," he whispered softly, not even wincing when long fingers dug into his flesh even deeper. "Look at me. _Please_."

Axel closed his eyes, still breathing erratically, shaking his head weakly.

"It's me," Roxas continued just as tenderly, not daring to move. So Axel didn't want to look at him? Fine, but he would _hear_ him at least. "It's only me, Axel. It's Roxas. _Sunshine_. I won't hurt you. Nobody will hurt you, I promise. Look at me, please?"

Bright green eyes fluttered open again, slowly focusing on Roxas, but still appearing somewhat empty. But Roxas thought he saw only a glimmer of recognition in those emerald depths, and it was enough to encourage him to go further. He smiled calmingly, slowly, ever so slowly moving his hands from the redhead's cheeks to Axel's shoulders, and when Axel didn't make a move to stop him, he leaned forward to embrace his boyfriend's still shivering frame.

"Everything is okay," he said slowly, gently running one hand through crimson spikes, the other one resting lightly on Axel's back. "It's okay, it's only me..."

He smiled and sighed relieved when he felt the painful grip on his hips loosen and lean arms closing around his waist, drawing him even closer. He continued to stroke Axel's hair tenderly, continuing to whisper calming words to him. He smiled again when Axel suddenly latched onto him with a quiet, choked sob, burying his face in the crook of Roxas' neck, finally relaxing against him completely. He was still shaking in Roxas' arms, but he didn't mind. He also didn't mind the fact that the tight grip around his waist gradually started to hurt. But he _did_ mind the fact Axel seemed to be crying. At least he thought so, feeling the wetness on the sensitive skin on his neck, and feeling the small sobs rocking the other boy's lean body.

"Shh..." he cooed, giving the redhead's shoulders an affectionate squeeze. "It's alright, don't cry..."

"Oh... oh _God_," he heard Axel groan against his neck, and he smiled again when the redhead suddenly pulled back to stare at him, blinking and sniffing quietly. Roxas just reached out to wipe away the wetness on the other boy's cheeks, still smiling at him lovingly.

"I'm sorry," he said deliberately slow, looking Axel straight in the eyes. Even though they were still glossy and slightly reddened, they were positively gorgeous. "Don't cry, please. I'm sorry."

"I... I... You don't... I was..." Axel stammered, muffling a small sob with his hand, the other one brushing over Roxas' face, his neck, his hair lightly. "You... You were... You didn't..."

"I'm sorry," Roxas repeated, grasping Axel's hand and slowly leaning forward to place a gentle kiss on still trembling lips. Axel jerked back a bit, but it wasn't nearly as bad as before. He even smiled a bit. "I shouldn't have done that," Roxas continued quietly. "Kiss you like that, I mean. I scared you, and I'm sorry for that." He sighed and looked down at their tightly clasped hands. "I really have to stop doing this."

"No," Axel objected, shaking his head fiercely. "No, it wasn't... it wasn't your fault, I guess I provoked you..."

"But I promised I'd..."

"No, really, it's..."

"_But_..."

"I'm sorry," they both finally said in unison, and Roxas felt his mood lighten when Axel smiled at him fondly.

Why couldn't it always be like this? Roxas loved how this gentle smile made him feel...

But his face fell when he noticed the crystal clear tears in his boyfriend's bright eyes. He already wanted to ask what was wrong, but Axel shook his head again, still smiling, gently grasping Roxas' hands and raising them to his soft, thin lips.

"You are truly special, Sunshine," the redhead whispered, still smiling, a lone tear trickling down his cheek. He chuckled when Roxas looked at him quizzically, tenderly brushing golden strands of hair behind Roxas' ear. "That was the first time I was able to fend a flashback off."

Roxas' eyes widened, and Axel chuckled again, then sighed and kissed Roxas' fingertips gently.

"_Usually_, when I've passed a certain... line, I'm not able to keep them from happening anymore, like... back... at the beach..." the redhead explained shakily, but still smiling. "_Usually_ I can't help getting them. _Usually_ Demyx is the only one who's at least able to snap me out of them... But... but _you_... you just... averted it completely..."

"Oh..." Roxas breathed overwhelmed, trying to grasp the meaning of those words. But he hadn't done anything, had he? "But I also almost caused it, so I guess that settles it," he finally added, grinning nervously.

"I guess, yeah," Axel agreed, also grinning. The way he looked at Roxas... it made him somewhat uneasy. In a good way. If that was even possible. Eh.

"W-We should get going, we have to be in class..." Roxas glanced at his watch, and blinked once, twice. "... fifteen minutes ago."

A few seconds of silence. Then Axel threw his head back and burst out laughing, tousling Roxas' hair playfully.

"Well, I would go, but someone keeps me from getting up, yanno," he chuckled, laughing again when Roxas blushed, finally realizing he was _still_ straddling the other boy.

He hurried to get off, grimacing slightly when suddenly his abused hips made themselves known with a sharp stinging pain. He tried to hide it, but of course Axel noticed him flinching and grabbing his hipbones.

Roxas gasped when slender fingers hooked into the waistband of his jeans, pulling him back until he was standing right in front of the redhead, who was still sitting on the bench. He froze and held his breath, not daring to move when Axel carefully pulled up his shirt, tugging down his jeans just a little to examine the red hand-shaped mark on Roxas' left hip.

"That was me, wasn't it," Axel whispered, and Roxas couldn't help but jerk back violently, feeling the redhead's soft breath on his suddenly overheated skin.

"I-It's okay," he breathed barely audible, failing horribly at fighting the hot blush covering his face. "You didn't m-mean to..."

Axel glanced up at him, grinning lopsidedly, and then... leaned forward to press his hot lips against Roxas' bruised skin briefly.

Roxas was too stunned to react. He just flinched slightly at the unfamiliar sensation, but he couldn't even gasp or utter any kind of surprised sound... He was frozen stiff, trying to feel anything but the painfully fast pounding of his heart and the strange prickling sensation where Axel had just... had just...

"Come on, Sunshine, we're already late," Axel laughed and grabbed his hand, having already shouldered both their bags. Roxas wasn't able to struggle when he was dragged away.

* * *

Somehow Roxas was grateful school had already started, because he was still blushing when they finally reached his class. He could have dismissed it as an effect of them running all the way from the park, but only to _think_ about the reason why he was _really_ blushing made him blush even harder.

Axel had insisted to accompany him to his class, and now they were standing right in front of the door, both breathing heavily.

"W-Well, I have to..." Roxas stammered, pointing at the door and smiling distractedly.

"Oh, a few minutes more won't hurt," Axel replied smirking, and Roxas didn't like the way the redhead was looking at him. He _knew_ that mischievous look.

But he still yelped surprised when Axel grabbed his wrists and pinned him against the wall, leaning in for a surprisingly gentle kiss.

"Hm... So, what about a goodbye-quickie in the bathroom over there?" the redhead asked smirking, somehow managing not to die of laughter at Roxas' baffled expression.

"_Pervert_!" Roxas yelled, punching the other boy's arm and only then remembering somebody could hear him. He clamped both hands over his mouth, frowning and growling at Axel, who just grinned even wider.

"Oh, you're right. It's a bit early for that. But there's always lunch break," he chuckled, quickly kissing Roxas goodbye and pulling away just quick enough to avoid a punch to his face.

Roxas watched him run away speechlessly, again forgetting about other people attending this school and yelling a furious "You _jerk_!" after the redhead, who just turned a corner and disappeared from sight. The only answer he got was amused laughter.

And quiet giggling from inside the class room.

Oh, dear _Lord_...

Somehow he didn't want to enter this room anymore...

It took him another minute to at least try to fix his hair and clothes again, and another minute to gather enough courage to grab the handle and open the door. He peeked into the room cautiously, ignoring curious stares from his classmates, grinning at Miss Lockhart apologetically.

And her wide grin did not really help to calm him down. _Not at all_.

"Eh... Sorry, I know I'm late..." he stammered, stopping himself when he noticed Demyx holding up a sheet of paper. He glanced at the lone word written on the otherwise empty page.

_EVERY_

What?

Oh. Another sheet.

_SINGLE_

Uh... oh...

_WORD!!!!!!!!_

Crap...

_LMFAO!_

Oh, for the love of _God_...

Roxas continued to stare at Demyx, who really seemed to have a hard time to keep the laughter in. Then his gaze wandered over Zexion, who hid his very red face behind one of his books, his slim shoulders jerking almost indistinguishably. Over Sora, who had clamped both of his hands over his mouth, already getting teary-eyed from holding back laughter. Namine, who was blushing too, although Roxas suspected another reason but laughter behind _her_ healthy complexion... Selphie, who...

Again. _Uh-oh_.

"I KNEW IIIIIIIIIIT!!" the petite brunette shrieked, banging her fist on her table and beaming at Roxas, green eyes sparkling. "Oh, I'm so proud of you, Roxy-poo... Can I be the godmother of one of your babieeeeeeees?"

"Don't call me..." Roxas started before her words hit him like... something very, _very_ heavy. And spiky. And painful. "WHAT??"

His reaction caused some girls to giggle and some guys to splutter, all of them obviously trying to hold themselves back.

"Oh, they will look so _adorable_," Selphie squealed, clapping her hands a few times delightedly. "Just imagine it, your big blue eyes and red hair... Or Axel's eyes and blond hair... Or big eyes like yours, but in green, and blond hair with red streaks... Or..."

"That's enough, Selphie," their teacher interrupted the hyperactive girl, who pouted at the dark-haired woman sadly. "I hate to break the news to you, but two men can't have babies together."

_Kill me. Kill me now! If there is a God out there, please, spare me this humiliation and FUCKING KILL ME!!!_

Roxas thought he'd never be able to get the blush off his face again. He couldn't even look at Namine anymore, so he settled on glaring at Demyx, Zexion and Sora alternately.

"I think I will have to talk to your Biology teacher about this," Miss Lockhart added, still grinning so strangely. "You may sit down, Roxas. I won't report your absence, don't worry."

Roxas already wanted to thank her, but her strange smile made him hesitate. Something about it just made him feel uneasy. So he just nodded and made his way to his desk next to Sora, right behind Namine, who didn't dare to look at him and seemed to be drawing something in her notepad.

"I'm glad you made it to my class at all," Miss Lockhart continued cheerfully, and Roxas already dreaded her next words. "I had _no_ idea Sora meant _this_ when he told me there was something you and Axel had to finish..."

Roxas groaned, let his head fall onto his desk and hid it in his arms, trying not to pay attention to the snickering and laughing and chattering and arguing which followed his teacher's words... He tried to block out Sora almost breaking down laughing hysterically right next to him, and he tried to ignore Selphie telling Namine they had found another 'supporter of the Gay' here in school, to which Miss Lockhart declared she had already supported gay couples when Selphie hadn't even been born, and he really, _really_ tried to will the floor to swallow him _right now_.

This would be a very long day...

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Mhm, I know. Roxas didn't confess. You didn't _really _think that would happen this fast, did you? Come _on_, how long do you read this story already? Of course that will take a few chapters more. You just go and try to predict how I will let Axel react to the news... not that I would tell you what I intend to do anyway, so don't ask, okay?

Yes, I am fully aware I am a very mean person. Hehe.

But don't worry, I don't want to torture you guys longer than necessary. I'll try to write the next chapter as soon as possible.

And don't forget to let me know if you liked it! And tell me what you liked most, so I can try to write more of it.

Until the next chapter, my lovlies! Or till your next review, because you know I try to reply to every single one. ;)


	19. Chapter 18

**Summary:** His life had always been perfect, or at least so Roxas had liked to think. But overcoming his own fears for someone else isn't as easy as it seems. When both his own and his lover's past threatens their unstable relationship, Roxas has to face the truth: His life was far from perfect. But at least it was better than Axel's.

**Warnings:** Nothing you guys can't take, I guess. xP

**Pairings:** AkuRoku main, RikuxSora, ZexionxDemyx side pairings. Possible LeonxCloud later on. Much, much later though.

**Disclaimer:** Mhm, yeah right, like they would ever be mine... Nope, I don't think Squareenix will give them up that easily.

**Chapter Dedication:**

First of all, my lovely muses, **Kuraieshi, Riku-Stalker and kotilo**, because without you three I probably would have stopped writing this a long time ago... I'm sorry I kind of neglected you last weeks, I'll try to reply to emails more frequently again, promise!

And then there is a new muse, **Fayette Nudusk**, who NOT ONLY drew a piccie of my Zexion, which is beautiful by the way, but also wants to mention me in the 'Thanks' section of her book! o.O WTF did I do?

And finally **SXR4EVA**, for being **reviewer #500**! W00t! More than 500 reviews, can you believe that? I can't! Yay!

**Thanks to:** All of you who read this, I guess. And of course all of you who still review. I don't deserve loyal 'fans' like you! T.T And I still found some new ones:

**asako, Axel's Ashes, aydlee, greentea554, htotheizzo, iDemyxx, thoughtless dreamer**

Did I forget anyone? (dies) So many, Beutelmaus is confuuuuuuuuused!

Anyway, I don't want to keep you from reading any longer! Enjoy!

* * *

**Perfect Match - Chapter 18**

He had been wrong. It wasn't the _day_ that would be long. This _first lesson_ had almost killed him already.

After his late arrival and the public humiliation he had endured, he was forced to listen to Selphie arguing with Miss Lockhart, if or if not it would be possible to create his and Axel's offspring by means of genetic engineering or something whacked out like that. With _Miss Lockhart_, of all people! Jesus, why did his _Creative Writing teacher_ have to be one of those freaky boylove-shippers?

And when the lesson finally ended, he was ambushed by the new leader of the, recently established, Axel&Roxas-fanclub _herself_.

"Roxyyyyyyyyy!" Selphie shrieked while grabbing his arm, seemingly not intending to_ever_ let him go again. "C'mon, I want all the juicy details!"

"Don't call me that!" Roxas growled back, then shot his twin a dirty look. If Sora had grinned any wider, the upper half of his head would've probably fallen off. "And _you_!"

"I didn't say anything!" Sora protested, crossing his arms behind his head.

"_There was something me and Axel had to finish_?" Roxas stated unbelievingly, grabbing hold of his brother's collar. "How much more ambiguous can you _get_?"

"I meant you two had a lot of talking to do," Sora laughed, raising his arms defensively.

"_Talking_," Zexion repeated, rolling his eye. "Yeah, right. That's _exactly_ what it sounded like." Demyx next to him giggled into his hand, avoiding Roxas' burning gaze.

"We _did_ talk," Roxas hissed, trying to shake off the annoying appendage attached to his arm. "And you let go of me already!"

"But Rox, I want to know why you were late!" Selphie whined, shaking his already hurting arm lightly. "What did you do? Kiss? Make out? Make_ looooooove_?"

"Leave him alone, Selphie," Namine said softly when Roxas almost choked at her words, gently pulling the other girl away from him. She sighed when Selphie pouted at her and mumbled something about her betraying the club. The blonde opened her ever-present sketchbook and ripped a page out of it. She handed the sheet to the smaller girl, earning a delighted squeal from her before Selphie ran off, clutching the sheet tightly to her chest.

"What was that?" Roxas whispered, not really wanting to know. Like, _at all_.

"Oh, you don't want to know," Namine confirmed his suspicions, giving him a sympathetic pat on the back. "Let's say... it will keep her occupied for today. Hopefully." She smiled apologetically when Roxas nodded miserably, then she frowned at Sora, Zexion and Demyx. "And you guys have absolutely _no_ right to tease Roxas about that." She pointed at Demyx and Zexion, who were holding hands again. "Flower garden," she said, causing both boys to blush lightly, then she turned to Sora. "_Classroom_!"

"That was all Riku's..." Sora started to protest, interrupting himself when he noticed everybody was staring at him. His face turned a lovely shade of pink, and suddenly everybody was smirking at _him_ instead of Roxas.

And _that_ was _way_ more information than Roxas could take right now.

"Really, you should be ashamed," Namine said, shaking her head and smiling softly. "All of you should know how it feels to be in love. How would you feel if someone made fun of that?"

"Axel does that all the time," Zexion mumbled, and Demyx nodded, pouting slightly.

"And Roxas has to pay for it? That's not really fair, is it?" Namine replied, her voice growing just a tad sharper. "I really think you should tell Axel if it bothers you."

"I didn't say that," Zexion answered, his voice just as calm and collected. "Of course it's not fair. We didn't mean to offend Roxas. I'm sorry if we did."

"Oh, how would you feel if everybody laughed at you because of something like this?" Namine asked, frowning a little.

"Like I said, Axel teases us all the time," Zexion said quietly. "It's just how he is. I doubt he even realizes it."

"But that's not Roxas' fault. You really should leave Roxas alone and pester Axel with it..."

"No," Roxas said loudly, stopping dead in his tracks. Everybody looked at him again, causing him to blush slightly, but he didn't really care about that.

He couldn't let them annoy Axel because of something unimportant like this. Not after his almost-flashback earlier. Not to mention he wanted Axel to be in a good mood when he told him... some... _things_...

"I'm fine," he continued, forcing himself to smile. "You don't have to defend me, Nami. It's alright."

"Are you sure?" the petite girl asked gingerly, brushing her sandy blond hair behind her ear. "You didn't seem to..."

"Oh, I can take that, don't worry," Roxas confirmed, smiling a bit wider. "I was just... surprised, I guess. Really, I don't mind."

"Oh, _really_?" Sora teased, poking his shoulder.

"A _classroom_, brother dearest?" Roxas scoffed, causing Sora to blush again and Namine to giggle.

"Oh, I give up," Sora growled, shaking his head. "How did _you_ know about that anyway?" he asked Namine.

"I seem to have this special ability to walk in on people the worst moments possible, without them noticing me," she sighed. "You and Riku, Demyx and Zexion, Hayner and Olette, Selphie and Tidus, Sora and Kairi... My parents..."

"Waitwaitwaitwait!" Sora cried, waving his hand wildly. "_Hayner_ and _Olette_?"

"I already knew _that_, that was back in middle school, but _Sora_ and _Kairi_?" Roxas queried, grabbing hold of his brother's sleeve when Sora winced and tried to distance himself from him.

"Your parents? That's classic," Zexion smirked, completely ignoring the twins. Demyx seemed to have a hard time to control the giggles escaping him every now and then, his pretty sea-green eyes already watering. Namine smiled at them.

"Yes, I was six at that time," she replied, obviously choosing to ignore the brothers too. "Too young to know what exactly they were doing, old enough to know it was something nasty."

"Ouch," Zexion commented, then looked at his watch. "Well, I'm afraid Demyx and I have to hurry to get to Arts on time already. We'll see you at lunch."

Namine nodded, still smiling, then glanced at the twins, who had both started to try to prevent the other from talking. She giggled and shook her head at their struggling. Finally Roxas managed to pull Sora's hand from his mouth, holding it as far away as possible.

"Sora and _Kairi_?" he gasped, yelping when Sora kicked his shin.

"That was when we were in _kindergarten_," Sora yelled exasperatedly, then pointed at Namine accusingly. "And you said you wouldn't tell anybody!"

"Sorry," Namine laughed, clutching her sketchbook a bit harder, the corners of her mouth twitching with amusement.

"Sora, I'm hurt!" Roxas chuckled, again grabbing his brother's sleeve and pouting heart-meltingly. "You never told me!"

"That's because Namine frightened me with her scary story about cooties," Sora growled annoyed, whacking the back of Roxas' head when the younger twin started to laugh himself to tears.

"Hey, I just told you what I knew from my cousin Larxene!" Namine protested, hiding a wide smile behind her sketchbook. "She told me that cooties can't harm other girls, only boys, and that they can only be transferred by kissing... I was just _worried_ about you! I didn't want you to get them and get sick!"

Sora rolled his eyes and pouted, whereas Roxas had to lean against the wall, still laughing, holding his already hurting stomach.

"_You_ turned me _gay_ with your stupid horror story!" Sora cried, making Namine laugh too, the blond girl staring at the brunet twin unbelievingly while she giggled into her hand, while Roxas had to sit on the floor, trying to smother his laughs with both hands.

"And I'm very thankful for that," someone else said, and Roxas burst out laughing again as he watched Sora's face change color from white to beet red in milliseconds.

"What is this? Embarrass Sora Day?" Sora screamed in a strangely high pitched voice.

"Embarrass The Harada Twins Day, I'd say," Riku answered smirking, chuckling when Sora glared at him. He shook his head, brushing back strands of his silvery hair and then glanced at Roxas, who stopped laughing at once. "Axel said he hopes your ass doesn't hurt too much."

Roxas blinked. Sora gaped. Namine stared. Riku still smirked. Roxas wanted to _die_! _God_, this was embarrassing!

"Oh, don't tell Selphie something like that!" Namine finally giggled, laughing out loud when Roxas stared at her horrified.

"It's not like that!" he protested, sending Riku a glare. The silver haired boy just smirked a bit wider. "You know he didn't mean it like _that_!"

"Oh, I don't know a thing," Riku confirmed lightly. "But he seems to be in an awfully good mood today, and I thought that had to do something with you... and I just ran into Zexion and Demyx, and Demy 'told' me what happened last lesson here..." He showed them a page out of Demyx' notepad.

"W-Wait... you mean... Axel didn't tell you..." Roxas started terrified, instantly regretting it. Now Sora was grinning again, and the smug look on Riku's face somehow reminded him of a cat. A cat that had just cleared out a pet shop full of canaries and was now eying the nearby creamery.

"Not a word," Riku replied, grinning like said cat. "But now I'm curious. What_ else_ did he _do_ to your ass if 'he didn't mean it like _that_'?"

Oh, crap. _This_ was embarrassing!

"Don't you two have Swim Practice or something like that?" Namine asked, still smiling, pointing at Riku when he wanted to protest. "Or do I have to tell Roxas _where_ your hands were when you kissed Sora in that classroom?"

Riku frowned at her blankly, trying to say something, but Sora immediately clamped both his hands over Riku's mouth, grinning at her apologetically, and trying to avoid Roxas' eyes. He was blushing again, and somehow Roxas didn't want to know where Riku's hands had been. How gross!

"You're right, we havta go, bye," Sora rushed out, presenting them a wide, typical Sora-grin. But he grew serious again rather quickly, looking Roxas in the eye. "Tell him," was all he said before he ran off, dragging a very surprised looking Riku after him.

Roxas sighed and massaged his temples. He knew he had to talk to Axel soon. But the poor guy had almost had a flashback earlier this morning... He couldn't...

"Tell whom?" Namine asked quietly, and Roxas stared at her outstretched hand bewildered. It took him a moment to react, then he sighed and took her hand, hoisting himself to his feet.

"Axel of course," he mumbled, walking away. Namine followed him, smiling at him sympathetically.

"I see. You don't want to talk about it, do you?" she asked, and nodded when Roxas shook his head.

And that was what Roxas liked about Namine most. She knew exactly when to stop.

Problem was... he _wanted_ to talk. Just... not about _that_. He didn't even want to _think_ about what he'd have to tell his boyfriend. Not now. He just wanted to talk about anything else, to distract himself from the self-imposed task lying before him. But when he opened his mouth to say something, he wanted to kick himself as soon as the words had left his mouth.

"There... isn't really something like a fanclub for... for..." he began, but immediately stopped himself when he noticed Namine grinning.

Namine did not grin. Namine smiled. She did not _grin_. It was just plain _wrong_.

"A fanclub for gay couples, you mean?" she asked innocently, and Roxas couldn't help but eye her suspiciously. He nodded warily, already dreading her answer.

"Oh, don't be silly, Roxas. Of course there isn't something like a gay fanclub in this school," she answered, and Roxas dared to heave a sigh of relief. Which was a mistake. "It's a fanclub for you and Axel."

"You're _kidding_, right?"

"Selphie calls it Club AkuRoku... You know, his real name and the nickname we gave you when we were kids, because nobody could say your name properly..."

"You're _kidding_!_ Please_ tell me you are kidding!"

"She made me vice president and Kairi and Olette second and third vice president, heaven knows why, but at least we can slow her down a bit that way..."

"..."

Roxas didn't know what to say anymore. He stared at Namine, who smiled at him apologetically.

"Don't get me wrong, I think it's great you and Axel are together now, and you two fit together very well, and I'm really happy for you," she said shrugging. "But that fanclub was all her idea. Personally, I think it's a bit... exaggerated. And the name sounds... kinda weird."

That was the understatement of the year, in Roxas' opinion anyway. That could only happen to him... yet another fanclub...

"Why us?" Roxas groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose to lessen the pressure building up behind his eyes. "Why not Sora and Riku or... anybody else?"

"Because you and Axel are more fun to stalk?" Namine suggested, and she laughed when Roxas stopped dead in his tracks and stared at her horrified. "Yes,_ now_ I _was_ kidding. Relax, I won't let anybody stalk you. I _am_ vice president, you know."

"Thanks," Roxas growled, staring at the floor sulkily. Great. Why couldn't his life just be _normal_?

"Well, you'd have to ask Selphie for the real reason, I guess, but I think you wouldn't want to hear it anyway," Namine continued. "But you two seem to be very popular. We already have twenty-eight club members, and Selphie only founded it yesterday..."

"I wanna wake up!" Roxas whined, running both hands through his hair frustrated. "Goddammit! That just can't be..."

"Oh, don't worry, Roxas. They will calm down eventually," Namine said and laid one hand onto his arm calmingly. "You _are_ the most popular guy in our school, and Axel is... well... unconventional, to say the least. It was quite a surprise you fell for him so quickly. Nobody expected that."

Roxas froze, just about to grab the handle of the door to their Biology classroom.

"What do you mean?" he asked quietly, glancing at the blonde from the corner of his eyes. Namine smiled at him, and the happy smile made Roxas blush lightly.

"It was the way you looked at him, this first day we met them," she said quietly, interrupting herself when a few students passed them and entered the classroom. And her voice grew even quieter when she continued. "It was so... different. You never looked at anybody else that way." Her smile grew a bit wider. "I think he's good for you. He makes you laugh. It's so good to see you smile so often. You didn't smile like this since we were kids... Since... hm... Alicia switched to another school."

She didn't know. She didn't know what he had done to that girl, and why exactly he had stopped smiling after this, and yet Roxas felt awful. Namine probably believed he had had a crush on Alicia and had been sad because of that...

"Alicia?" A slender arm was laid around Roxas' shoulders, and he sighed deeply. Embarrass Roxas Day wasn't over yet, it seemed.

Roxas glared at Namine when she hid an amused smile behind her sketchbook.

"Nobody," he mumbled and shoved Axel away when the redhead chuckled.

"Touchy, aren't we?" Axel whispered into Roxas' ear, then he pulled away and tousled Roxas' hair.

"M'not," Roxas growled, and he glanced at the grinning redhead uneasily. "Why are you here? I thought you had study hall."

"Thought so too," Axel replied, smiling a bit confused at Roxas' odd behavior. "But then some of those bitches from your fanclub wanted to bug me about... dunno, I forgot it, had to do with telling me something about you, whatever, I already know I'm 'not your type'... well, and then sweet Miss Lockhart rescued me from their evil clutches and told me I should come here... No clue why though. And she acted really strange. Thinking about that grin still creeps me out. Do _you_ know what she meant?"

Roxas could only stare at him for a moment. He was sure there was no blood left in his whole face, and he felt his fingers grow cold.

They... they had wanted to tell Axel... something about him? What if...

"Might have to do something with the babies Selphie mentioned earlier," Namine answered grinning, and she hid behind her sketchbook again when Axel looked at her confused. "Oh, don't mind me."

"'Kay..." Axel shrugged and kissed Roxas' cheek softly. "If it helps keeping those strange girls away from me, I'll gladly endure another lesson with Marly this week." He glanced at Roxas and smirked. "Especially if it gives me an excuse to spend more quality time with my lovely Sunshine... Where's your seat?"

"Next to the window..." Roxas whispered, still feeling cold. "In the back row."

"Okay," Axel exclaimed cheerfully and entered the room. Namine wanted to follow him, but Roxas held her back.

This couldn't happen. What if someone else told Axel, like Sora had said? No, it _couldn't_ happen like that. He had to tell him everything himself, so he could_ explain_... Axel couldn't hear it from anybody else...

He still stared at the halfway opened door, but he held Namine's hand tightly, noticing how much his own hands were trembling. His fingers felt really cold...

"Roxas?" Namine asked cautiously, carefully closing the door again. She squeezed his freezing hand gently and smiled when he finally looked at her.

"Nami," he whispered, and swallowed uneasily when Namine nodded encouragingly, signaling him to continue. "You... you have... to help me. Could you do something for me? Please?"

"Of course, Roxas." Namine nodded again, but now she was obviously worried. "What is it? You're so pale, are you not feeling well?"

"Could... could you..." Roxas swallowed again. "Could you please keep them away from him?"

"Keep whom..." Namine started, but then realized what he wanted to say. "You mean... _your_ fanclub?"

"They don't want us to be together," he whispered, fighting the tears threatening to well up in his eyes. He won, but only because he was not only scared, but also _angry_ at those people. How dared they to still try to harass his boyfriend? What else but yelling at them did he have to do to keep them away? "They would do everything to keep him away from me. There are a few things..." He bit his lip uneasily and looked down at the floor. "There are a few things Axel doesn't know... yet... and..."

"Okay," Namine said firmly, smiling at him calmingly. "I understand. I'll tell our friends to keep an eye on Axel. They won't try to come near him when he's with other people. And I'll tell the other club members to keep your fanclub away from him." She shook her head, let go of Roxas' hand and clutched her sketchbook again. "Wow. I never thought that whole vice president thing would actually be helpful one day."

They both looked up when the bell rang and signaled the start of the lesson. Namine smiled at Roxas again, and he felt a huge weight lifting from his heart. Not everybody seemed to be against him. He still had friends who would help him through this, and he was eternally grateful for that.

"Don't worry," Namine said and winked at him before she opened the door. "I'm sure Selphie will help."

"That's what I'm scared of," he replied darkly, shaking his head when Namine giggled and smiled again before taking her seat near Kairi and Selphie, who immediately asked her if she knew why Axel was in class with them. Namine just shook her head and ignored the brunette, who pouted and exclaimed she would find out anyway. Kairi told her she was nosy, then she took a small scrap of paper from Namine, which Selphie immediately tried to take away from her. Kairi fended her off easily, holding the small brunette at arm's length while she read the blonde's message, then glanced at Roxas, who just walked past her seat. The redheaded girl smiled at him and nodded understandingly, then glared at some girls sitting in the front, who were eying another redhead in the back of the class venomously.

Which reminded Roxas of another problem.

"Ehm... Axel," he said, dropping his bag next to the desk. Said redhead grinned at him cheerily, folding his arms behind his head. "That... That's my seat."

"Yep," Axel exclaimed, still grinning.

"And you... are... ehm... kinda... sitting in it," Roxas added, already feeling slightly uneasy.

"I know," Axel replied, his smile not wavering.

Yes, indeed, Embarrass Roxas Day wasn't over. Oh, joy.

"I sit here usually," Roxas still tried to convince Axel of leaving his seat.

"There's no other seat left, and Miss Lockhart told me to attend this lesson," the redhead replied shrugging. Then he took Roxas' hand with both of his, feigning a sad, pitiful puppy dog look that could've melted even Mr. Vexen's cold heart. "Do you want me to sit on the cold, hard floor, Sunshine? Is that what you want? You'd let your _boyfriend_ sit on the _floor_?" He laid the back of his hand to his forehead. "Oh, Roxas, I never knew you could be so _cruel_!"

"But that's exactly what _you're_ doing, isn't it?" Roxas growled, trying to ignore the annoying whispering behind him. "_You_ want _me_ to sit on the floor, don't you?"

"Oh, no, I'd_ never_ do that," Axel exclaimed shocked, now changing his look into a faked hurt one. "You don't really think that, do you? I would never let you sit on the floor." Now he smiled again, spreading his arms. Roxas just stared at him blankly. "C'mon, I won't bite. If you don't want me to, that is."

A moment of silence followed, only disturbed by a happy, quickly smothered squeal from Selphie.

"No," Roxas finally managed to answer, inwardly already screaming frustrated. "We are in _school_, Axel! We have class now, and I doubt Mr. Marluxia would..."

"Oh, c'mon, I'm sure Marly wouldn't mind," Axel said lightly, gesturing Roxas to sit down.

"Yes he would!" Roxas all but screamed, suppressing the urge to pull his hair out.

"Nah, he wouldn't."

"Yes, he..."

"Silence, class!" a new, deep voice ordered from the door, and Roxas whirled around to stare at their teacher, who strolled to his desk and sat on it gracefully, brushing back his light, feathery, rose-colored hair. "Mr. Harada, I would like to start this lesson as quickly as possible, since I'm already late. Would you mind to sit down?"

"And _where_?" Roxas hissed, even though he knew it wasn't a good idea to tell his teacher off like that. But Mr. Marluxia only smiled.

"I just had a very... enlightening discussion with Miss Lockhart," he said, standing up again and circling his desk, grabbing the backrest of the chair. "It seems some of my students show deficits concerning the wonders of human reproduction... _Miss Tilmitt_!" Pinkish brown hair whipped around his head when he looked at Selphie, who tried to hide behind her books, a heavy blush clashing horribly with her deep green eyes. Behind her Kairi started to snicker quietly, and Namine also smiled. "Is it true you tried to predict how Mr. Harada's and Mr. Kouen's offspring would look like?"

"..."

"She _what_?" Axel snorted amusedly.

"_Miss Tilmitt?_" Mr. Marluxia repeated, his voice growing sharper.

"Well... yeah," Selphie answered reluctantly, and behind him Roxas could hear Axel trying to keep down loud laughter. "But they would look so cuuuuuuute!"

"You are aware two males cannot reproduce, right?" Mr. Marluxia asked with a wolf-like grin, and Selphie sank even deeper behind her books. "Well then._ Mr. Harada_, you are still standing."

"But I still have no place to sit," Roxas protested weakly.

"I also learned you and Mr. Kouen seem to act very... friendly... in public," the teacher continued, gesturing in Axel's general direction. "You won't mind sharing your seat with Mr. Kouen, right?"

Now Axel really laughed, quickly smothering the amused sound with both hands and mumbling a choked "Sorry" when Mr. Marluxia glared at him. And then he grabbed Roxas' arm and yanked him back. Of course Roxas tripped and fell back, landing in his boyfriend's lap and instinctively throwing his arms around Axel's neck, staring at him scandalized when one arm circled his waist loosely. Axel just smirked and moved around a little, so Roxas fit on his lap more comfortable. And to his surprise... Roxas _let_ him. It felt... nice, even though the catcalls and irritated hisses and snarls ruined the whole scene in his opinion.

"Good," Mr. Marluxia exclaimed oddly cheerful, whirling around to grab the chalk and scribbling one word onto the blackboard. Roxas turned and bit down on the collar of Axel's shirt to stifle a loud, unnerved groan. The taller boy just tousled his hair playfully.

That just couldn't be _true_...

"Relax," he heard the redhead whisper into his ear. "We could just tell them to stop, if it really bothers you."

"Like dey would," Roxas mumbled around the soft fabric of the red and black checkered shirt between his teeth. "Itf Embarraff Rokaf Day."

"I'm sure at least Marly wouldn't participate in this joke if I told him what happened," Axel insisted, still keeping his voice down so no one else would hear him. "I could tell him I feel uncomfortable talking about... that."

Now Roxas looked up again, staring into bright green eyes surprised.

"But you don't want them to know," he protested, careful not to raise his voice. Axel smiled at him softly, the arm around his waist tightening just a little.

"I don't want you to feel uncomfortable either," the redhead replied softly, quickly kissing Roxas' cheek, which earned him another squeal from Selphie. Kairi grabbed the other girl's head with both hands and forced her to look at the front of the class, ignoring her spluttered protests. Mr. Marluxia glanced back over his shoulder.

"Gentlemen, you two are just sharing a seat," he said, causing a few other students to snicker quietly. "Nobody allowed you to _cuddle_ inside this classroom. No kissing, and I want to see two pairs of hands _all the time_. Understood?"

"Sorry," Axel apologized over the giggling, smirking again. "Couldn't resist."

"Hands," Mr. Marluxia added, and Axel shrugged and laid them onto the desk, trapping Roxas between his arms.

_Oh, screw it. How much worse can this day probably get?_

One of Roxas' arms remained around the redhead's neck, and he laid the other one onto Axel's, lacing their fingers together. It wasn't the most comfortable position, but to feel the warmth of Axel's hand helped to calm Roxas down. He was also very aware of their close proximity, he could smell the redhead's unique scent, could feel the silky texture of his brightly colored hair where it tickled Roxas' face. It felt nice. It was soothing. And he wouldn't let the strange looks they got ruin this feeling. He was determined to enjoy being held like this by his boyfriend the fullest. He had their teacher's permission to do this, hadn't he?

"What? You can see them!" he protested when Mr. Marluxia looked at him sternly. The only answer he got was quiet snickering yet again, and an almost daunting grin from their teacher.

"You sure?" Axel whispered into his hair. "I could tell him to stop."

"Don't you _really_ feel uncomfortable talking about stuff like that?" Roxas asked back, carefully watching their teacher, who added two more words to the one on the blackboard.

"A little," Axel admitted, squeezing Roxas' hand softly. "But I'm fine as long as you're with me."

Roxas stared at him, feeling an amused smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. Axel looked back questioningly.

"What?" the redhead asked, and Roxas quickly bit his lip to stifle a giggle.

"You're getting cornier every passing day, you know that?" he whispered, and Axel mock-glared at him, quickly raising his free hand to flick Roxas' nose.

"All your doing, Sunshine," he replied. "So? Should I tell him to stop?"

"No," Roxas answered, smiling at his boyfriend softly. As much as he wanted this cruel joke to end, he couldn't do that. He couldn't expect Axel to tell anybody about what had happened just because Roxas felt a little bit uncomfortable about being teased by their teachers and classmates. It was like Namine had said before. They would calm down eventually. It couldn't be that bad if he didn't take it seriously. "It's alright. It's actually a quite interesting topic." He smirked evilly. "I have lots of questions about it."

Axel couldn't help but grin at this.

"Oh yeah?" he breathed huskily, causing Roxas to blush lightly. "You know, _I_ could teach you a few things when we're _alone_..."

"Oh, no!" Roxas exclaimed a bit louder, shoving Axel away playfully and giving him the most innocent look he could muster without bursting out laughing. "Not in _public_, Axel! I already told you that _this morning_, when we were _all alone_ in the park!"

Now it was the redhead's turn to blush, and he looked around nervously when almost everybody around them turned red from holding back laughter.

"Indeed, Mr. Kouen," Mr. Marluxia made himself heard over the quiet snickering. "No dirty talking in my class either!"

"Sweet-talk it is then!" Axel exclaimed remarkably cheerful, and the teacher sighed when yet again everybody burst out laughing. Roxas giggled too, but stopped when Axel quickly leaned forward to whisper into his ear again.

"You want to give them a show, Sunshine?" the redhead smirked, and Roxas nodded, ignoring the little voice inside him screaming at him for acting so incredibly stupid and childish. "Okay. Then we'll give them a fucking show."

"Silence, class!" Mr. Marluxia snarled and chucked bits of chalk at the people laughing too loudly. When everybody had quieted down he cleared his throat, smiling again cheerfully and pointing at the blackboard. "As you can see, I want to take a break from teaching you something about reptiles. Never liked them anyway... Well, since Miss Lockhart pointed out the shortcomings _some_ of you – Yes, I _am_ talking about you, Miss Tilmitt – seem to have in this subject to me, we'll talk about Sexuality today." He rapped on the blackboard quickly to emphasize his point. "Personally, I thought kids nowadays are taught this stuff in Middle School already, but anyway... Seems like Sex Ed _is_ still required in High School. I must admit it surprises me, since I know all of you attended Health classes last year." He smiled again. "It seems either you didn't pay attention last year, or good old Miss Faery didn't dare to teach you about this branch of the topic..." He pointed at the word 'Homosexuality', which was written under 'Sexuality' and next to 'Heterosexuality' on the otherwise empty blackboard. "Considering Maleficent seems to be about four hundred years old, it's probably the latter. Doesn't matter. Due to recent occurrences I believe we have to have a little talk about it, and I'll gladly answer all your questions..."

"Are _you_ gay?" came the first question, and of course Axel had to be the one who asked, causing another fit of laughter from his fellow classmates and causing Mr. Marluxia to smirk evilly.

"Don't tell me your 'gay radar' didn't tingle the first time you saw me, Mr. Kouen," the teacher replied smugly, crossing his arms and leaning against his desk. "A man with pink hair, who teaches about flowers? I have to be gay, right? Well, bisexual actually, but that's not the kind of question I meant..."

"But you don't_ act_ gay!" some girl shrieked from the back row, and Mr. Marluxia's gaze grew a bit more... ehm... crazy.

"What, just because I don't wear women's underwear and a man purse?" the teacher asked calmly. "I hate to burst your bubble, but not every gay man fits this cliché. For example, I doubt you knew our dear Mr. Harada preferred guys over gals."

"Hey, it's not like that!" Roxas couldn't help but protest. "I just prefer Axel!" He somehow managed not to blush when half of the class 'Awwwww'ed at him for that. But he smiled when he felt Axel squeeze his hand gently. Yet he didn't dare to look at the redhead.

"Hey, and what about me?" Axel said out loud, and Roxas could hear him smirking.

"You're about as straight as a corkscrew, everybody can see that," came the mocking answer. Axel pouted, then shrugged and grinned again, and again everybody else laughed. "But that's aside the point." Mr. Marluxia ran a hand through his rose-colored hair and smirked again when the girl hid behind her book, no longer able to meet his gaze.

"Okay, that answered my question about the underwear," Axel exclaimed just loud enough for everybody to hear. "What about Make-up?"

"And that coming from you, Mr. Kouen? But, again, these are not the questions I meant," Mr. Marluxia replied eerily calm, ignoring Axel's offended protests (such as "Why does everybody think that?"). "Oh, and if anybody has a problem with this topic, you are excused from this lesson. It won't be a part of your exams either, so... just go, if you don't want to participate in our discussion about Homosexuality. Everybody who stays here has to sign this declaration..." He pulled a sheet of paper out of his coat, holding it up for everybody to see. "It says you won't sue me or this school, and that you attended this special lesson out of your own free will."

Nobody moved. Mr. Marluxia smirked again.

"Well, what a shame," he chuckled, glancing at Roxas, who still sat on Axel's lap. "I hoped there would be at least one free seat, so Mr. Harada wouldn't have to share his anymore..."

"Oh, I'm very comfortable here," Roxas replied cheekily, somehow managing not to blush... too much.

"Lovely," Mr. Marluxia snorted, slapping the declaration onto a desk in the first row, causing the boy sitting there to wince. "Sign it and pass it on. I'll collect it in five minutes, and if anybody doesn't sign it they will be kicked out." He sat on his desk again, crossing his arms. "Well, let's start then. If a man loves another man..."

* * *

Roxas and Axel left the classroom grinning broadly. All the other boys looked rather pale, whereas the girls seemed to have difficulties to voice their thoughts. Namine was hiding her face behind her sketchbook, blushing like mad, Selphie had this weird, serene look on her face, and even Kairi seemed speechless.

"That was fun," Axel said, hugging Roxas close briefly before tousling his hair again. Roxas pouted and tried to fix it, but soon the grin took over his face again.

"Yep," he laughed, chuckling when other students passing them gaped at them. He and Axel had spent the whole lesson asking their teacher all kinds of questions, some of which had been... very... hm... detailed. Even Mr. Marluxia had seemed to have problems answering some of them, but he had answered most of them brutally honest and as suggestive as possible, often playing along with Axel's crude jokes and Roxas' faked innocent questions. But even their teacher had burst out laughing when Roxas had asked if he would always have to bottom, all the while pouting calculatingly adorable. Even Axel had blushed at this question, and at the seductively innocent look Roxas had given him, and Roxas decided he liked to catch his boyfriend off-guard. Maybe he should try that more often. Carefully of course, so he wouldn't scare Axel into another flashback.

"We have Geography next, right?" Axel asked, and Roxas nodded. "Wanna stop at the next janitor's closet or something?"

"Pervert," Roxas replied smiling, slapping the redhead's shoulder lightly. Next to them Selphie, Namine and Kairi gasped and stared at them wide-eyed.

Roxas smiled at Axel again, but looked away quickly. Even though he tried to cover it up by acting cheerfully, he had to admit talking about sex while being so close to Axel the whole time had had quite an impact on him. He felt quite fidgety now, and to be honest being alone in a dark, small room with Axel seemed to be a wonderful idea right now... but he would die out of pure embarrassment if anybody noticed it. Especially Axel. Even though he suspected the redhead already knew, considering the sly smile he was wearing.

"Okay," Axel said shrugging, and suddenly Roxas hated him for staying so... calm. Why was he the only one who was affected by all this talk about sex? That just wasn't _fair_! Axel could act at least a little bit more... bothered. _He_ was the one who made perverted comments all the time after all, not Roxas...

Suddenly Roxas grabbed the other boy's arm and pulled him down a bit, so he could whisper something into his ear. He smirked when he took in the look of pure surprise on the other boy's face, raising his arm and draping it around the taller one's neck, lacing his fingers in brightly red hair. With his other arm he pulled the redhead even closer, pressing his own body hard against Axel's.

"But I think we should continue this... discussion... in _private_ some time," he purred softly, his tongue flicking out between his lips to lick Axel's earlobe quickly. He more felt than heard Axel gasp inaudibly, and he had to admit he liked the feeling. "Don't you agree?"

Even though he was only joking, he watched Axel's reaction the whole time carefully. He didn't want to cause another flashback after all. But even though Axel seemed to be in shock, it didn't look like this morning. His eyes were opened wide, but they didn't have this... empty look to them, like they had when he was having those flashbacks.

Roxas smiled sweetly, running the tip of his index finger over the teardrop-shaped tattoo on the redhead's left cheek, then over his partly opened lips, enjoying the way Axel sucked in a shaky breath when he did this.

"What do you think, love?" he breathed, softly pulling at a strand of red hair. "Doesn't that sound good?"

"Sounds... great," Axel whispered back shakily, grinning nervously, green eyes fixed on Roxas' lips mesmerized. Roxas smiled a little bit wider.

"Good," he purred, letting go of Axel's hair and pulling back a little. "I look forward to our... discussion... then."

Axel blinked and stared, then grabbed Roxas' arm to pull him back.

"You little_ tease_," he growled before capturing his lips in a forceful kiss. Roxas smiled into the kiss satisfied, returning it just as eagerly.

"Lovely," a deep, calm voice suddenly sneered, startling them out of their little world. "I see you already use the techniques of seduction we talked about earlier, Mr. Harada. You're a quick learner, if I might say so." Roxas and Axel both stared at their teacher, without letting go of each other. Mr. Marluxia smirked and brushed back a few feathery strands of his light brown hair.

"But I'll have to ask you two to stop, I'm afraid," he continued cheerfully, nodding in a certain direction. "Or else Miss Tilmitt might die of blood loss."

Roxas and Axel looked in the indicated direction, blinking surprised when they noticed that indeed Selphie was holding a bloodstained tissue to her nose, smiling dreamily. Kairi next to her was holding another tissue in her hand and looked at the smaller girl worried.

"I always thought that was a myth," Axel whispered into Roxas' hair. "That perverted people get a nosebleed when they see something... ehm..." He grinned. "_Stimulating_."

"You think _that_ was already stimulating?" Roxas scoffed, smirking too and pressing a feather-light kiss to Axel's cheek, chuckling softly when he noticed the faint blush covering the redhead's pale face. At least now he knew why Axel liked to act so perverted sometimes. It was _fun_ to see other people stare at them like that... "C'mon, we'll be late for class."

* * *

The rest of the day really wasn't as bad as Roxas had thought. There were still some people who tried to tease him about this scene this morning, but he simply ignored them. He felt much more at ease since he had decided not to let himself be bothered by something stupid like this. Hey, everybody knew he and Axel were together anyway, so why shouldn't he fool around with his boyfriend a bit?

Axel seemed to have forgotten about his almost-flashback this morning quickly, and Roxas was glad to see the redhead relaxed again. Roxas himself couldn't forget about the scene in the park the whole day. He still could see the fear in those bright green eyes, and the faint marks on his hips were also reminder of what could have happened. But most of all he thought of what Axel had told him afterwards... that he was the only one who ever had been able to help him avert a flashback. That he was _special_. The way he had looked at Roxas back then... and the way he had smiled... Roxas thought he would never be able to forget it. He cherished this smile, even more so when he thought about what he still had to tell Axel. Because... maybe he would never be able to see it again...

Sora tried to encourage him a few times more throughout the whole day, but Roxas still didn't want to talk to Axel about his past. It was nice to be able to laugh with the redhead, and to play along when Axel chose to be stupid and say something perverted. But all the time he had to choose his words carefully. Even when he wanted to tease Axel, he always watched his reaction cautiously. He had seen how quickly the redhead could react to wrong words or gestures. Two or three times this day he really thought Axel felt uncomfortable when Roxas said something suggestive to make Selphie and the rest of their fanclub happy, and quickly changed the topic when he noticed the redhead's smile growing less cheerful, more nervous and frightened. Later this afternoon Axel took him aside and thanked him for that, kissing him softly when nobody could see them. And Roxas was in heaven.

Namine and Kairi quickly managed to convince Selphie of protecting Axel from members of Roxas' fanclub. It was a relief not to have to worry about somebody telling Axel something when Roxas wasn't around. Even though Roxas had to admit it was rather scary how _quickly_ Selphie organized a schedule for spying on Axel for her fellow fanclub members.

* * *

The day after Roxas had made the promise to Sora, Axel was sulky and moody the whole day. He didn't want to tell Roxas why, and he tried to act normal when Roxas was around, but his eyes and his whole behavior remained rather distant and somewhat nervous, and he never tried to hug or kiss Roxas. He didn't even want to hold hands. It was such a harsh contrast to the day before, it made Roxas feel insecure and even fear somebody might have told Axel something, despite Selphie's spies... Until Axel took him aside during their lunch break, dragging him into an empty classroom and simply hugging him, not saying a word for a long time. Roxas allowed it, feeling the redhead trembling in his arms, wondering what was wrong and yet not daring to ask. Only when he heard Axel sob quietly, he couldn't hold back the question any longer.

"What's wrong?" he whispered gently, feeling Axel flinch and try to pull back. Roxas didn't let go, and soon he got a choked, soft answer.

"I'm sorry," the redhead sobbed, burying his face in Roxas' hair and then kissing his forehead tenderly. "I'm so sorry, Roxas, please, don't... don't leave me..."

"Why would I?" Roxas retorted softly, pulling back a bit and smiling at Axel, who stared back at him miserably.

"'Cause I'm a jerk and ignored you the whole day," Axel replied distressed, sniffling quietly and then looking away again. "I'm..."

"That's fine," Roxas interrupted him, gently tracing Axel's jaw with one finger. "I'm not mad at you, if that's what you're thinking. Are you _okay_?"

"I... just..." Axel sighed and glanced at Roxas from the corners of his eyes. "I... really don't know, but... sometimes... I... Okay, that sounds stupid, but sometimes I have nightmares, and..." He groaned softly. "Fuck, that sounds so _stupid_..."

"No, it doesn't," Roxas disagreed, and he meant it. He didn't even want to think about Axel lying alone in the darkness, tortured by his awful memories...

"Yes it _does_, and then I was all mean to you and... and you were so sweet, and I thought I should be a bit nicer, and... I couldn't, and... I... was scared, you... would... leave..."

"But why would I do that?" Roxas asked, still smiling.

"Because I..." Axel bit his lip, again looking down at the floor. "Because I don't... I... don't... deserve..."

"Stop saying that," Roxas interrupted him frowning, and Axel flinched again. "I won't leave. Don't worry about that... Just... _tell_ me when something is wrong, okay? I understand." He laughed. "I already thought it was something _I_..."

He was cut off when Axel hugged him again, quite forcefully at that. Roxas blinked surprised, gently returning the embrace.

"I don't deserve you," Axel whispered again, fisting both his trembling hands in Roxas' shirt. "But I _need_ you so much, Roxas. Don't leave me, _please_!"

For a short moment Roxas was too stunned to react. Hell, he was too stunned to _breathe_! The only thing he managed to do was nodding weakly, and after a while he added a whispered "Okay...", causing Axel to sigh quietly.

"Thank you," the redhead breathed before letting go of him. There was a small smile on his face now, but he still didn't dare to meet Roxas' gaze. "I... I'm really sorry for ignoring you the whole day, but... I... feel rather uncomfortable touching other people today, and... You wouldn't get mad at me when... I... didn't want to hold hands the whole day... right?" His voice grew weaker and weaker with every word, and he started to fidget with the sleeves of his shirt nervously, all the while keeping his gaze on the ground.

Roxas was still in shock, but somehow he managed to shake his head. Axel's smile grew more relieved, and he tried to reach out to Roxas, but pulled his hand back before he could actually touch his cheek. He looked down at his hands, whispering "I'm sorry" again.

_I need you so much, Roxas!_

Roxas couldn't get this one sentence out of his head. He couldn't believe he had just heard that. And he couldn't believe how those six simple words made him _feel_... It was... unbelievable...

Axel smiled at him nervously once more, then turned around to walk away.

"Wait," Roxas breathed barely audible, staring into bright green eyes when Axel turned around to look at him again. "Can I kiss you?"

He saw the redhead wincing at the question, and he immediately felt bad for it. But it already took every ounce of self-control he possessed not to pounce Axel and ravish him on the spot, here, in this empty classroom. He needed at least _something_ after this incredibly sweet confession, and he needed something to prove Axel had _meant_ what he had said. Even if it was just a small kiss. Even that would suffice to satisfy Roxas for today.

He could see Axel felt uncomfortable, but still the redhead nodded, reaching out his hand to Roxas. Roxas took it gently, stepping closer and watching as Axel closed his eyes. He could tell the redhead was feeling uneasy by the way he kept his eyes closed tightly when Roxas gently ran a hand through his fiery hair, and by the way he gasped quietly when Roxas' fingers glided over his pale cheek, and by the way his whole body seemed to be tense all of a sudden.

So all Roxas did was standing on his tiptoes and cautiously pressing a chaste kiss to the redhead's cheek, right under the tattoo. It was enough. To know Axel would have let him kiss him, even though he clearly felt uneasy about it, was enough.

"C'mon," Roxas whispered before he pulled back, gently squeezing Axel's hand before letting go of it. "We'll be late."

Axel opened his eyes warily, blinking at Roxas confused. Then a small smile lighted up his face again, and Roxas liked to tell himself he could see the shadows fleeing Axel's eyes. At least a little bit.

They weren't late, but of course everybody had already started speculating about them missing lunch break. They both didn't care. They also didn't care about some people asking them if they broke up, because they didn't touch each other the whole day. Axel just smiled secretly, and Roxas shrugged and told those people to mind their own business. And after school, when they walked home, Axel shyly took his hand and thanked him for being so patient. And Roxas was in heaven again.

* * *

Two days after the promise, Axel was acting normally again. This day Roxas got more love letters from his admirers than any time before, and most of them stated they were so happy he finally had come to his senses and broken up with Axel. He actually read most of them during his first lesson and told Axel about them afterwards. The redhead just laughed and kissed him in front of the whole classroom, and again in front of all students during lunch break, then proceeded by spontaneously declaiming a poem for Roxas with a little help from Zexion. All the girls at their table melted at this affectionate gesture, all the guys laughed themselves to tears when the poem grew more joking and equivocal in the end. Roxas blushed the whole time, but he couldn't keep a smile from his face. Even when Axel ended with a blatant offer to skip school with Roxas to have 'hot, steamy mansex' on the beach, he just smiled and put the redhead off... until the weekend. Axel smirked at his suggestive answer, and two or three students around them actually passed out, and Axel was told off by Mr. Leonhart for using such crude language in school. After school, when they were at the beach with their friends, Axel took him aside and apologized for acting so weird, and Roxas just smiled at him seductively and told him he had meant what he had said. It was fun to watch the expression on the redhead's suddenly flushed face change from confused to abashed, to shocked, to thoughtful, to pleased, and when Axel whispered to him he couldn't wait for the weekend then, it was Roxas' turn to blush again. Then Axel laughed and told him he was only joking, and Roxas couldn't decide whether to be glad or disappointed. But then Axel kissed him, and he was in heaven again. Even though Selphie tried to take photos of them. She was blocked off by her vice presidents though, so all was good.

And then there was the third day.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** FEAR NOT, AS I AM NOT DEAD!! Well, first of all I'm very sorry I took so long to update this fucking story, but lately College is horribly stressful, and I barely find the time to write. And I chose to participate in a fanfiction contest and wrote another fanfic in less than a month... It's German, but I'd like to translate it and post it here one day. The good news is, the next chapter is already finished and beta'ed, and I hope I'll be able to upload it this weekend.

I hope you liked it! And no, Roxas is not going to confess next chapter already, don't bother to ask. I'm going to keep you in suspense for a while still! Evil, evil me!


	20. Chapter 19

**Summary:** His life had always been perfect, or at least so Roxas had liked to think. But overcoming his own fears for someone else isn't as easy as it seems. When both his own and his lover's past threatens their unstable relationship, Roxas has to face the truth: His life was far from perfect. But at least it was better than Axel's.

**Warnings:** Hmmmmmmmmyeah, well... Axel and Roxas make out. Nothing big, right? Ehm.

Crap, that just took all the tension out of the chapter.

**Pairings:** AkuRoku main, RikuxSora, ZexionxDemyx side pairings. Possible LeonxCloud later on. Much, much later though.

**Disclaimer:** Yeah, yeah, go on and make me cry by reminding me that they're not actually mine, but Squareenix' and Disney's... Bo-hoo!

**Chapter Dedication:** Weeell don't you already know? **Katja, Natalie and Larissa** (I know all of you don't like your first names, but I love them, so... I just hope you're not mad at me for broadcasting them here. o.O), who keep motivating me and do a great job cheering me up when college is being stressful. Thank you so much, all three of you!

**Thanks to:** Every single fucking one of you who reads this and actually got to this chapter without losing interest... I know the story progresses pretty slowly, and I'm very thankful there are still people who read this story. Thank you so much, even more so if you also review!

And daaaaaaaaamn, I only posted the last chapter whut? A week ago, and there are already new reviewers:

**dragonfly loves axel, Kawaii-Gaara-Chan, loverofAkuRoku, Lyra Su, Meleiyu, SkyeFlyte, SorasLilAngel, Squiggley Squirrley Nightmares, Taeness**

Thank YOU all so much for your support!! LOL Though some of them could have already reviewed... I know quite a few of you reviewers changed your pennames since you reviewed for the first time, but keeping track of name changes is too complicated for me... So I guess you can just be happy about being mentioned twice here. ;) And also a big thank you to everybody who put this (or me) on their Alert/Fav list! And to everybody who reads this! Yay!

And now - HAVE FUN!!

Yes, that _was_ an order!

* * *

**Perfect Match - Chapter 19**

The third day after the promise was a Saturday. And Roxas was nervous. He didn't really know why, because it had only been a joke, right? But...

Axel would come over later. Granted, that wasn't really unusual, plus Riku and the others would come over too, and all their other friends would be there, and... Well. Sora had invited them to a movie night, and the thing was... he had invited them to spend the night here. And there weren't enough guest rooms, even though there were many in this mansion... Kairi, Namine and Olette would share the biggest one, Selphie and Tidus would get one of the smaller ones, as would Demyx and Zexion... Hayner, Pence and Wakka would get the three small ones. The other three were in a state of discontinued rebuilding since their mother's last visit. Sora had already told Riku he'd have to sleep in his room, which had caused Axel to tease the silver haired boy endlessly... until Sora had told the redhead he'd have to share a room with either Riku... or Roxas. Of course the redhead had chosen Roxas' room with a face-splitting grin on his handsome face.

There. That was the problem. Even though Sora seemed to have rented enough movies to stay up and watch them all night, the thought of having to spend the night in the same room as Axel alone unnerved Roxas. Not only that he still wasn't over the fact the redhead had been in his room already... but after this strange week, after all the teasing and joking and especially after this weird Biology lesson, Roxas couldn't help but think about... yeah. Well. Sharing more than only the room and a few kisses with the redhead. And that was _bad_. Because now he was scared he could do something... stupid... when they were alone...

Oh, crap...

Now he was preparing the room in the basement where they would watch the movies. Sora and the other boys were still upstairs and the girls were preparing the snacks. Only Axel, Riku, Demyx and Zexion were missing...

"Well, if that ain't my little Sunshine, lighting up the room," someone behind him suddenly whispered leisurely, and lanky arms closed around his waist and pulled him back.

... were not missing anymore, it seemed.

"You're looking delicious today, Roxas," Axel whispered into his ear, and Roxas couldn't help but shudder. "Tryin' to seduce me already? You could at least wait until we're in your room..."

"Didn't notice you were already here," Roxas replied uneasily, turning his head to hide the blush spreading over his face. Axel still seemed to have caught it and chuckled amused, but he let go of Roxas quickly.

"Oh, you know our Pretty Boy, he took hours to make himself presentable for your brother..." Axel smiled and suddenly leaned forward, trapping Roxas between his arms. Roxas jumped and glanced at him nervously, suddenly feeling fidgety, hot and overall excited... even more so when he saw what the redhead was wearing. Which was the same blood red and black shirt he had been wearing the first time Roxas had met him, this time combined with tight, black jeans and a studded choker. Simple, but somehow he managed to look stunning in it...

"Hey there, beautiful," the redhead purred smirking, leaning even closer. "Don't I get a nice... long... welcome kiss?"

"Not... funny," Roxas breathed, not daring to move. Great. Axel was in a flirtatious mood it seemed. How was Roxas supposed to control himself around him the whole fucking night?

"I wasn't joking," Axel replied softly. "You _are_ looking gorgeous, and I _want_ a kiss."

"But you won't get rid of Selphie ever again if she catches you two making out down here, so I'd suggest you stop right now... or get your cute asses up to Roxas' room. Your choice," Olette made herself known from the stairs. She and Kairi were standing at the door, smirking and winking at them.

Axel stared at them frowning, while Roxas couldn't help but stare at him... then Axel glanced at the smaller boy again.

"Your room?" the redhead suggested, grinning even wider when Roxas blushed heavily.

"Pervert," he wanted to yell, but it only came out in a whisper. He did manage to shove the redhead away somehow, but his arms felt so heavy when he did it... as if he didn't really want to do it...

It seemed like Axel wanted to reply something, but the others followed Olette and Kairi, and the redhead chose to refrain from answering.

Only minutes later they were all seated, and Roxas found himself curled up at the far end of the comfy loveseat he and Axel had been placed in by Sora. It was the back row in this big room, and they could overlook everyone else getting comfortable in their own loveseats, quarreling over which movie to watch, while being safe from curious looks themselves. Roxas didn't even listen to them. He was busy keeping his shaking hands to himself. It was so hard not to reach out and simply take Axel's hand...

On the other hand... why _shouldn't_ he do just that? They were together after all, and they were holding hands all the time in school, and...

"Sunshine?" Roxas looked up and stared into bright green eyes. Far away he heard a movie starting to play, the volume turned up too loud like every time Selphie, Tidus and Hayner were watching, but he wasn't able to pay attention. He was trapped in the questioning gaze a certain redhead was directing at him. "Are you okay?"

"M'fine," he replied, forcing himself to relax, forcing his cold hands to loosen the painful grip around his arms. He smiled distractedly, rubbing the already reddening skin to hide the marks from the other boy. "I-It's just, I have seen that movie already, and it's stupid..."

The redhead glanced at the screen, smiling and shaking his head.

"You think so?" he asked, keeping his voice down not to distract the others watching the movie. "I like it."

"_You_?" Roxas laughed quietly, eying his boyfriend skeptically. "Never thought you'd be the type who likes stuff like that..."

"Well, neither did I. It was Zexion who made us watch it," Axel replied shrugging. "I first thought it was stupid too, but I guess that's because we watched the subbed original version. But it's actually funny... you just have to think about it a bit." He smirked. "You know, there's one quote I always found stupid, 'cuz it sounds so goddamned _fruity_, but since I know you, I know exactly what that guy who says it felt when he said it..."

"And which one?" Roxas asked, immediately regretting it when Axel gently grabbed his hand and raised it to his lips, kissing it softly. Roxas was quite taken aback, but couldn't help but blush violently, nervously glancing at their friends. It was dark, and everybody seemed to pay attention to the movie, but somehow Roxas couldn't shake off the nagging feeling everybody was witnessing this scene. And that made him blush even harder, and now Axel was almost on top of him and...

_What?_

Roxas gasped as quietly as possible, staring into glinting, cat-like eyes uneasily. He didn't know how _that_ had happened, but now he was more lying than sitting on the small couch, his head resting on the armrest of the comfy sofa, one of his legs bent and pressed against the backrest, the other one dangling over the edge of his seat. And just now Axel was taking both of his hands, lacing their fingers together and pressing them against the armrest, just above his head, leaning over Roxas while kneeling between his legs.

It wasn't exactly uncomfortable, but their current position still made Roxas feel weird... especially when he noticed how close Axel's face was hovering over his own...

Flirtatious mood, indeed...

"You're gorgeous when you blush," the redhead whispered, placing a soft kiss on the corner of Roxas' mouth. Roxas tried to follow those soft, wonderful, breathtaking lips, but his head fell back weakly when Axel moved to kiss his neck, just below his ear. The only thing Roxas could do was closing his fingers tighter around Axel's, and he barely managed to catch his softly spoken words, the thundering of his heart tuning out almost every other sound. "Like a wild flower."

Roxas inhaled sharply when the redhead's lips brushed over his own briefly, the delicate touch making his mind shut down and his body tense up in anticipation, and he couldn't hold back a soft moan when the redhead kissed him again, just as gently as before. He didn't even think about the other people in the room, and only a tiny part of his mind was grateful the volume of the movie was turned up way too loud... the major part of him was otherwise engaged.

He managed to free one of his hands, weaving it through fiery red strands and holding the other boy's head in place when he felt him pull away. He felt Axel smirk against his lips, then they kissed again, and this time it was Roxas who deepened their kiss first. He opened his mouth cautiously, feeling his partner doing the same after a short moment of hesitation. Roxas freed his second hand, propping himself up with his elbow to press his chest hard against Axel's. He swallowed a surprised gasp from the other boy, coaxing his lips open again and letting his tongue glide over the other's lower lip while at the same time raising his leg to place it around a tiny waist.

He felt hot and weak, and jolts of pure pleasure coursed through his whole body with every touch of their lips, every movement of their searching hands. Liquid heat pooled in his stomach, but at the same time he shivered. He wanted, needed, craved more, he needed something to sate the yearning inside him, yet he didn't know what exactly it was that he needed... He only knew it was at least bearable as long as he kept kissing the redhead, as long as he felt silky hair between his fingers and hot skin under his hands. He couldn't stop, or else he would simply die, silently and unnoticed by anyone, yet screaming and raging on the inside...

But then the heat was gone, and he opened his eyes, panting for air and gripping his shirt just above his pounding heart. Axel was just as breathless it seemed, but he was smirking as he stared at Roxas, a slight blush adorning his pale face, barely visible in the dim light. Roxas unconsciously moved forward, tried to grip the redhead's shoulders and pull him down again, but this time Axel caught his hand and forced it down. His other hand gently brushed over Roxas' leg, and Roxas had to bite his lip to keep himself from groaning at the blissful shiver the tender touch sent up and down his spine.

"Hey, slow down, _mon rayon de soleil_," the redhead whispered right next to his ear, and Roxas shivered again when he felt warm breath on his skin.

"W-What... does that mean?" he managed to whisper shakily, again trying to touch the redhead. Again Axel caught his hand and kept him from doing so, and it started to frustrate him. He wanted to feel the tingling, thrilling, intoxicating sensation the redhead's touch had raised in him again...

"Basically, it means 'my ray of sunlight'," Axel answered, placing another small kiss on this sensitive spot just below his ear. "But the operative phrase was 'Slow down'."

For a moment Roxas was too stunned to react. This wasn't happening, right? What, and Axel called _him_ a tease? But then he frowned and growled rather loudly, shoving Axel away brusquely. The redhead laughed, causing the other occupants of the room to look back at them curiously. And only now Roxas remembered they weren't alone, only now the whole extent of his insanity hit him full force.

They had just been _making out_ in a room full of _people_. In a room full of _friends_ nonetheless. And now they were staring at them, and he prayed to every single god in every fucking world there was that they hadn't noticed what he and that pervert had been doing...

He slowly pulled up the collar of his shirt to hide the deep blush that was spreading over his face, his eyes widening even more. Next to him Axel snickered quietly.

"Dammit, Pyro, some people here want to actually _watch_ this stupid movie, so keep your hands to yourself and leave Roxas alone," Riku hissed irritated, and Roxas thought his face had to be glowing in the dark already...

"Oh, fine..." Axel drawled, smirking and winking at the silver haired boy, who just shook his head and turned around again.

"Oh no, I bet they were just kissing, and I didn't seeeeeee it!" Selphie whispered loud enough for everybody to hear, causing Tidus to groan and the others to giggle quietly. But everybody turned to continue to watch the movie eventually, and soon the silent laughing quieted down again.

"Pervert!" Roxas hissed when everybody's attention was directed at the movie again, and Axel just snickered and curled up on his side of the love seat, raising his hands defensively.

Roxas watched unbelievingly as his boyfriend seemed to continue to watch the movie as if _nothing had happened_... as if they _hadn't_ just had been _this close_ to... to... to...

_Fuck_, he had just been _this_ close to assault the redhead in their home cinema, where all of their friends would have been able to watch them...

And now Axel was acting like nothing had happened? Fuck! _Fuck_! Something didn't quite fit here...

Not Axel was the pervert... Roxas was, because _he_ definitely wanted to continue what they had been doing...

Roxas rose silently and sneaked out of the room, closing the door behind him as quietly as possible. He kept fidgeting with his wristband and the hem of his zip-up jacket alternately while running up the stairs, feeling nervous and fidgety and for some reason also close to tears, and he fucking didn't even know why! Was it because he felt guilty, or because he was frustrated, or confused, or...

"Sunshine?"

And of course Axel just had to play the nice, worried boyfriend and come after him now.

"I just wanted to... get... more popcorn," Roxas said quickly, trying to hold his voice steady. He was so confused, and the redhead's presence did nothing to drive this confusion away...

"M-hm..." Axel stepped closer quietly, and Roxas didn't dare to turn around, fearing he would do something stupid, or say something inappropriate... or... or...

He grabbed an already prepared bowl of popcorn, finally turning around and putting on a beaming smile for his boyfriend, stepping back a bit when he realized how close the redhead was. His hip bumped against the counter as he stared up to the taller teen, the smile slowly fading from his face again.

Axel was smirking again. And this smirk had something to it, something predatory; it was making Roxas feel very, very uneasy, especially in combination with the mischievous glint in his emerald eyes...

"You know there were two bowls right next to our cozy little loveseat, right?" the redhead asked, but tried to grab a handful nonetheless. Roxas pulled the bowl away quickly, asking himself why exactly he had done that...

... until warm, soft lips covered his in a gentle kiss. Roxas sighed contently, feeling the warm, tingling feeling spreading in his whole body again, returning the kiss hungrily, whining softly when the redhead pulled away. Axel smirked again, reaching out and grabbing a handful popcorn. Roxas watched as the redhead put one popped corn after the other into his mouth, and he remembered to nod eventually.

"Yeah, but..." he started to reply to the question the redhead had asked earlier, trailing off as he watched Axel chewing the salty snack leisurely. And when the redhead started to lick the salt off his fingers, he forgot the question altogether. Roxas stared helplessly at a pink tongue flitting over slender fingers, and he felt his cheeks warm up when Axel put one finger into his mouth and sucked on it, all the while gazing at Roxas, bright eyes halfway lidded.

"Tasty," he murmured, smiling again, grabbing the bowl from Roxas' hands and putting it aside carelessly before he leaned forward and trapped Roxas between his body and the kitchen counter. "And which part of your body do I have to kiss to get something to drink?"

For a moment Roxas thought he hadn't heard right. It seemed so unreal... He could feel the heat radiating from the redhead's body which was not quite touching his... yet... and the only thing he could see were those eyes, those unbelievable eyes, and this part _did_ feel real, oh yes, so real he could feel his own heartbeat speeding up, until the pounding in his ears was the only sound he could hear anymore, but... had Axel just really, really said what Roxas believed he had said? Then he surprised himself by actually answering the quite likely not really serious question.

"Why don't you find it out?" he whispered hoarsely, and it took only seconds until he felt slender arms hoisting him up and placing him on the counter, and instinctively he closed his legs around a slim waist and weaved his hands into lusciously red hair before their lips clashed in a violent, bruising kiss.

This time Roxas wasn't able to hold back a loud moan. His hands slid over heated skin and the silky material of Axel's shirt, over slender arms and lean shoulders, and when he felt nimble hands working to open the zipper of his jacket, he threw his head back, lost in the pleasurable sensations. Instantly hot, wet lips attached themselves to his neck, nibbling and suckling and biting, and he could feel and hear the redhead panting heavily against his neck. His jacket finally opened and was shoved from his shoulders by warm, slender hands. Roxas shrugged it off, starting to work on the buttons of the other one's shirt with badly trembling hands, tugging at the black and red cloth roughly and gasping for breath when suddenly those warm hands were on his skin, lifting his shirt as they trailed upwards agonizingly slow, leaving trails of pure fire in their wake.

"My... room," he panted, suddenly realizing where they were and what they were doing and that any second someone could walk in on them, and if that happened he wouldn't be able to feel the redhead's hot, wet mouth on his neck, his hands on his bare skin anymore, and then he'd _die_, this time for real...

Axel paused for about a second, then he raised his head to kiss Roxas again, deep and wanton and sensual, and his hands moved down, slid over Roxas heated skin, causing the smaller boy to cry out quietly as pure ecstasy rippled through his whole being when the gentle touch caused his body to jerk and squirm. Roxas' back arched and his hands closed painfully tight around lean shoulders when one hand glided over the inside of his thigh, which still rested around the taller boy's slender waist, while the other grabbed his ass. Roxas mewled softly, holding onto the redhead tighter with both his arms and legs and catching already slightly swollen lips in another searing kiss, both boys moaning into the other's open mouths when their bodies touched. A second hand joined the one resting on his behind, and suddenly Axel lifted him from the counter and carried him out of the kitchen rather quickly.

Roxas broke their kiss to gasp for air while raising his hands to unfasten the choker around his boyfriend's neck. He threw it away carelessly, then moved his lips over a flushed cheek to a slender neck, biting the redhead's earlobe gently before leaving a trail of wet, open-mouthed kisses on the ivory skin. Every gasp and sigh and soft moan he got in return only fueled the passion raging inside him. Slim fingers kneaded his sensitive flesh while he was carried upstairs, and in return Roxas sneaked a hand between their chests to continue undoing the buttons of the silky shirt the redhead was wearing.

His fingers brushed over naked skin, and he gasped and smirked into the kiss when suddenly his back connected harshly with a wall. Still supporting Roxas' weight with one hand, the redhead braced himself against the wall with the other arm, heaving uneven, shaky breaths. Roxas tightened his legs around the other boy's waist, enjoying the brief feeling of relief flooding his senses when the growing bulge in his pants rubbed against the other's stomach...

"S-Stop that..." Axel suddenly groaned, but shoved Roxas up against the wall harder immediately afterwards, kissing a path down from Roxas' ear to the junction of his neck and shoulder.

"Why?" Roxas sighed, angling his head to expose more of his sensitive skin. "It feels so... aaah..." He moaned and writhed against the other's body, opening his eyes only a bit to peer at his lover's flushed face. "... _good_..."

His only answer was a low growl and a particularly hard nip on his neck, then he was slowly lowered to the floor. He groaned loudly into Axel's mouth when the redhead kissed him again, gasping and giving a jerk when his shirt rode up and his skin came in contact with Axel's.

Oh... dear... _Lord_...

"It _does_..." the redhead purred smirking, sliding his hands under Roxas' shirt and lifting it up again...

Roxas grabbed those wandering hands, smiling shyly and feeling his already flushed face heat up even more when he laced their fingers together. He reached out and felt around for the door to his room, opening it slowly.

"You sure?" he heard Axel ask breathlessly, and he closed his eyes, pulling gently and smiling again when the redhead's soft lips found his. He stumbled backwards through the door, pulling Axel with him, giggling softly when Axel felt around for the door to slam it shut before he tried to grab Roxas again.

But Roxas stepped back, biting his lip nervously while keeping his gaze locked with Axel's. He stepped back until his legs hit the side of his bed. He was so nervous, his heart was beating too fast, he was feeling light-headed and edgy, and unsure and insecure, and his hands started to shake... What if... what if all this happened too fast, what if he urged the redhead to do something he wasn't yet ready to? What if Axel regretted it, or...

But then his gaze was drawn lower, his eyes traveled over pale skin under black and red clothing, and the nagging, skeptic, doubtful little voice inside his head quieted down, was drowned out by the painfully loud pounding of his heart. His hands itched to touch the skinny, lithe body again, to explore lean muscles without bothersome fabric between his hands and hot, pale skin. His eyes came to rest upon the image of a roman numeral, 'VIII', elegant letters surrounded by almost lifelike red and orange and black flames. The tattooed picture ran over smooth skin, part of a well-toned lower abdomen and a bony, slender hip, lone tendrils of painted fire reaching up to barely touch a well-defined pectoral muscle and on the other side disappearing under the black fabric of the redhead's pants. It didn't even look that _big_, even though it covered a fair amount of pale skin, it just looked elegant and... and... and definitely _hot_.

Roxas had never seen himself as someone who fancied this kind of bodily adornment; actually he had always thought it was the most unnecessary kind of self-harm one could inflict on their own body (The ones on Axel's face didn't count. Those ones were just a part of the redhead, and Roxas wouldn't have wanted that pretty face any other way.), but ever since he had seen a certain redhead dance around the fire and had caught a glimpse of this particular piece of body art, he found himself dying to know what the whole tattoo would look like...

He couldn't help but stare, forgetting all his doubts and not even noticing the redhead smirking at his reaction, pleased. His eyes were kept glued to the other boy's skin, and he had to lick his suddenly dry lips when Axel brushed the silky fabric of his shirt back and propped his hand on his hip, exposing more of his slender body.

"Like what you see?" the redhead asked, still grinning mischievously and slowly, gracefully stepping closer.

Roxas winced and flinched back violently, his legs hitting the bed and causing him to fall onto the black sheets. He propped himself up on his elbows, staring up at the smirking redhead and feeling his face heat up, yet he couldn't keep his eyes from wandering...

"Fuck, _yes_," he breathed, reaching up to tentatively brush over naked skin with badly trembling fingers. Lean muscles jerked under the gentle touch of his fingertips, and he watched the redhead close his eyes briefly and take in a shaky breath before emerald eyes fixed on his again. And suddenly Axel bent down, climbing onto the bed, straddling Roxas' hips and grabbing both of his wrists. Roxas struggled against the redhead's firm grip uselessly, moaning softly when warm lips met his cheek and wandered down to his neck once again.

"Good to hear," Axel whispered, softly biting and licking and kissing and nipping the delicate skin on Roxas' throat. "Because..." Another gentle bite. "... I _love_..." A soft kiss, on this sensitive spot just below his ear that made Roxas shiver pleasantly. "... what I see."

"And what... is... that?" Roxas panted, somehow managing to free his legs and throw them around the redhead's slim waist again, arching his back to grind their groins together, unable to control himself anymore. All those new, intense feelings were just too much, he needed some kind of release, and he needed it _soon_...

He cried out loudly, throwing his head back when his own, quite bothersome arousal rubbed against a just as evident bulge in the redhead's tight jeans, loving the way slender hands closed around his wrists almost painfully tight and how slim hips jerked forward to press hard against his own again, and how Axel threw his head back with a loud groan, and how these movements caused even deeper, even more intense, even more overwhelming sensations to fill all of his body and soul, and how the delightful sight made him feel so unbelievingly good, so _wanted_... The thought that _he_ was the one who made Axel act like this, so unrestrained and fervently and wild, was even heightening the passion raging inside his body...

"_You_," the redhead suddenly answered huskily, grabbing the hem of Roxas' shirt and pulling it up roughly, one of his hands pressing against Roxas' back to lift him off the bed. Roxas submissively raised his arms, enjoying the feeling of his shirt sliding off his flushed skin. Before Axel could pin him down again however, he quickly slid his hands under the redhead's open shirt, shoving it off the other's lean shoulders urgently. Then their chests touched, naked skin on naked skin, and Roxas bit down on a bony shoulder to keep himself from screaming. Axel groaned, then grabbed his shoulders and shoved him hard into the mattress, instantly attacking Roxas' exposed flesh with his hot, wet mouth. Long fingers ghosted over his skin, caused his trembling muscles to contract and tense up, and Roxas found himself unable to hold back lewd moans. His nails scraped over pale skin, his hands felt every move the redhead made, and Roxas' back arched again when Axel moved down and captured an already erect nipple between his skillful lips.

Damn, when did those get _this_ sensitive?

But still this strange, nagging voice remained whispering in the back of his lust-clouded mind. Roxas tried to ignore it, tried to give in and enjoy what those eager lips and skilled hands were doing to him... He tried to fully give himself to his lover, to let go and to stop thinking, to stop worrying and to savor the sweet sensations that were making him writhe and squirm beneath the redhead...

But suddenly he gasped and froze, his eyes opening wide as he stared up to the ceiling.

"_I love what I see."_

"_And what is that?"_

"_You."_

H-Had he just... Had Axel just said... he...

Roxas gasped again, his head jerked to the side, and his gaze landed on the window, where the glass door led to his balcony. Then wandered over the big, cream colored couch where he had spent so many lonely mornings watching the sun rise over the island... over the self-painted, black and white and red ornaments adorning the wall behind his bed, to the expensive set of red and black designer armchairs, which he only used to read his books because they really were comfy, in front of the even more expensive plasma TV he _never_ used (His father had insisted on buying it for him because every teen had something like this nowadays, right?), all the useless gaming consoles and hundreds of brand new games on the shelf next to them he had never even tried out (He always used Sora's room to play with their friends.), to his custom-made writing desk where his halfway done homework was still littered on the smooth surface... All the bookshelves scattered all over the white wall he and Sora had decorated with red and black abstract, faceless, dainty figures jumping from one shelf to the other (They had painted them when they had been ten, and Roxas had been scared of them for a few days... Now he couldn't imagine his room without them.), the door leading to the smaller room he used to draw, where he stored all of his drawings...

The last thing his eyes fell on was the pinboard over the desk. Thousands of small scraps of paper were pinned on it, among other things copies of his notes... parts of his notes to be exact. Copies of the portraits he had made over the years. Crossed out, unrecognizable, and yet they seemed to stare at him. Lifeless, drawn eyes seemed to stare at him accusingly, even through black ink covering them, and suddenly he felt panic washing away all the pleasant feelings...

What the hell was he _doing_? He couldn't let Axel continue... It was wrong, it felt so _right_, but it was so _wrong_, and Axel would regret it as soon as he would come to know what all those crossed out pictures over there meant... He would despise Roxas, he would never want to do what he was doing just now if he knew, because Roxas was filthy, tainted, a lying, cheating, vengeful beast... and he _probably_ really was exaggerating massively, but he really couldn't help it, he _couldn't_, and he couldn't do this...

"Stop," he whispered almost inaudibly, but his body didn't seem to obey his will... Quite contrary, it even tried to pull the redhead closer and touch him everywhere his hands could reach, tried to grind their bodies together and create more friction between them, and he moaned again when Axel kissed a path from his chest to his neck and to his cheek, one slender hand cupping Roxas' cheek gently while he supported his weight with the other arm, so he wouldn't squash the smaller boy. Roxas' eyes fluttered closed again when Axel kissed him, coaxing Roxas' lips open, slowly deepening their kiss and exploring Roxas' mouth.

Roxas sighed and gave in to the redhead's tender touches again, loving how warm and loved they made him feel. His arms almost laid themselves around lean shoulders again, but instead he tried to shove Axel away weakly. He broke their kiss by turning his head away, but Axel just continued to kiss his flushed skin...

"Stop," Roxas whispered again, gasping and biting his lip to stifle another moan when warm, slender fingers brushed over his nipple, over his stomach and _down_... He caught the wandering hand before it could reach his pants, looking up at the smirking redhead, panting heavily.

"What did you say?" Axel asked, leaning down to kiss Roxas again, but Roxas stopped him hastily, licking his swollen lips and trying to catch his breath again. Which wasn't easy, because this whole situation, both him and the redhead half-naked on his bed, his whole body screaming for Axel's touches and kisses, didn't help his current state of arousal one bit.

He was too weak, he couldn't bring himself to really _want_ Axel to stop, and he barely resisted when Axel wrenched his hand free and roughly cupped the growing bulge in Roxas' pants.

"Oh, oh _God_!" Roxas screamed arching up into the redhead's touch, but at the same time grabbing his hand and pulling it away again. This time he didn't let go, not even when again a hot mouth sucked on the sensitive skin on his neck. "P-Please, stop," he pleaded, panting and squirming and thrashing around. "Please, Axel, _please_ stop!"

And he did, but Roxas immediately sensed something was wrong. By the way the redhead's shoulders suddenly grew stiff, by the way his heavy breathing suddenly stopped for a second, by the way the hand Roxas was still holding suddenly started to shake... And then the redhead suddenly shied away from him, staring at Roxas with wide eyes, shame and guilt and pure horror written all over his face. Roxas could see him try to say something, but then he jumped up, grabbed his shirt and ran away. Before Roxas could say anything, the door slammed shut behind the fleeing boy. Roxas was left behind, confused and aroused and trying to comprehend what the hell just had happened, what he could have done wrong, what he had _said_...

And then it hit him. _What_ he had said, and _how_ he had said it, it had to have sounded like... like...

"Shit!" he cursed, hastily leaping to his feet and grabbing his own shirt. He quickly pulled it over his head while running to the door, almost missing the handle in his haste. He threw it open carelessly, bolting down the stairs so fast he almost tripped two times, all the while searching for his boyfriend...

"Roxas?" Sora suddenly called out from the kitchen, and suddenly his head appeared around the corner, blue eyes fixing on Roxas questioningly. "What happened? Why is your jacket in the kitchen?" Then he noticed Roxas' rather ruffled appearance, and a small grin made it's way to his lips.

"Where is he?" Roxas asked, ignoring the amused expression on his twin's face. Sora seemed to realize something was wrong quickly, and he fully stepped out of the kitchen, frowning at Roxas a little.

"Who?" he queried, blinking surprised when Roxas suddenly grabbed his collar and stared into his eyes, surprised cerulean orbs meeting furious ones.

"Axel!" Roxas hissed. Wasn't that _obvious_, dammit? "Where _is_ he?"

"He just ran out," Riku spoke up when he entered the room, frowning at Roxas, aquamarine eyes narrowed. "What did you do this time?"

"Something stupid," Roxas growled annoyed, quickly letting go of Sora. He knew Riku sometimes acted over-protective of his friends, and that he didn't seem to trust Roxas when it came to Axel, but this wasn't the right time. "Something that might have reminded him of your brothers."

The silver haired teen paled visibly, biting his lip and hugging himself at the mention of his brothers. The distrust in his eyes was quickly replaced by worry.

"Sorry," he whispered and shook his head. "He just left through the back door. I think he went down to the beach..."

"Thanks," Roxas said quickly, rushing past Riku, almost tripping when he was suddenly held back by a cool hand around his arm. He whirled around, opening his mouth to yell at the person holding him, swallowing his words when he noticed it was Riku who was holding him back. It was quite surprising every time he did that. It was only the second time he had touched Roxas willingly, and like the last time Roxas was too surprised to react.

"We should let Demyx handle it," Riku said sternly, quickly letting go of Roxas again when he was sure the other boy wouldn't run away. He rubbed his hands together nervously. "You know what happened the last time he got a flashback."

"The _last_ time he got a flashback, I was able to stop it before it happened," Roxas replied tersely, ignoring Riku's surprised expression. "Leave Demyx alone. I don't want _anybody_ to know, okay?"

Riku stared at him for a second, obviously searching for something. Then he nodded.

"Okay," he agreed quietly. "But if you're not back in five minutes, me and Sora will search for you."

"Are you sure you want to go alone, Roxy?" Sora asked timidly, stepping closer and taking Riku's hand tightly. "What if he..."

"He won't hurt me, don't worry," Roxas replied quickly, whirling around and leaving the kitchen as fast as possible. He crossed the living room, left it through the already opened glass door and ran through the flower garden, past the open gate, down the stairs leading to the beach. His eyes ran over the beach, and even in the dark he noticed darker patches in the bright sand, right down at the shore. It looked like...

He ran down to the water, ignoring the black and red clothes in the white sand, desperately searching for the owner instead. There! There was something in the water, and he heard quiet splashing coming from there... and a noise that sounded awfully like a sob.

"Axel?" he called out cautiously, straining his eyes to make out the dark silhouette in the equally dark water. It was almost new moon, and the scarce light didn't suffice to light up the water.

Another sob, and more splashing, but no answer. Roxas carefully stepped into the water, not even minding to shed his clothes before he did. The fairly warm water wasn't even reaching his belly when he reached the redhead.

"Axel?" he said again, and the splashing grew faster and a little bit louder. He could see what the redhead was doing now, but it confused him even more... It looked like he was washing himself, scrubbing his pale skin roughly, and Roxas could see it looked darker in some areas, especially his arms. "What... what's wrong?"

"Go away," came the barely audible, choked answer.

"Are you okay?" Roxas asked, trying to look at the redhead's face through dripping wet, in the moonlight oddly dark looking strands. Axel turned his face away, hugging himself shivering.

"Go _away,_" he repeated shakily, again clawing at the skin on his lower arms. Roxas reached out to him, tried to take his hand and prevent him from doing this. However, he didn't expect Axel to swat his hand away almost brutally, and he couldn't hold back a small cry of pain.

"FOR THE FUCKING LOVE OF _GOD_, STOP TOUCHING ME!" the redhead yelled desperately, turning his back on Roxas and this time trying to scrub off the skin on his chest vigorously. Roxas took a small step back, frightened by the sudden outburst beyond words, tripping over something below the surface and falling into the water. He resurfaced immediately afterwards again, moving back a bit more before he stood, out of the other boy's reach. He copied the redhead's earlier pose by laying his arms around himself, and suddenly he felt cold. The water was warm, the night air even warmer, and yet this cold feeling was spreading in his body...

What if he had been wrong? What if Axel_ would_ try to hurt him if he came near him? What if he couldn't avert a flashback this time, what if...

"Axel..." he tried again, ignoring all those 'What if's, knowing he had to at least _try_ to calm the other boy down, and again he was cut off by a small sobbing sound. It was his fault. It was all his fault, he knew it.

"D-Don't come near me," Axel cried, scrubbing his skin even more forcefully. "Go_ away_, Roxas, _please_!"

The sound of his name encouraged Roxas to step forward again. At least Axel still recognized him, and he _had_ to help him...

"No," he said firmly, gliding around the redhead in the warm water and taking both his wrists, trying to pull his hands away from his body. He was shocked when he saw dark blood trickling from ugly scratches on his arms, but he couldn't let go, not even when Axel tried to pull his shaking arms away from him. He looked up to his boyfriend's face, noticing how pale he was, how dark his usually bright eyes appeared now, like pools of pure darkness in his handsome face, and he forced himself to stay calm. It wouldn't help if he freaked out just because of those eerily dark eyes in that unnaturally pale face, as frightening as that looked...

"Don't, please," the redhead whined, his face contorting into a mask of pure anguish, but Roxas refused to let go. "Don't touch me, I... I could..." He heaved a shaky breath, closing his eyes and turning his head away, then looked at Roxas again, pained and distressed and obviously close to freaking out. "I'm just like _them_!" he blurted out, then slumped, all the tension leaving his body at once. Roxas managed to catch and steady him, his hands sliding over cold, wet, slick skin, even though he felt his own knees go weak...

"You're not!" he objected sharply, closing his arms around the other's tiny waist and ignoring how painful Axel's slender fingers dug into his flesh. "You didn't..."

"But I _wanted_ to," Axel whispered feverishly, weakly resting his forehead on Roxas' wet, golden locks. "Oh God, how _much_ I wanted to... I w-... I wanted to h-hurt you..."

"No, no," Roxas said, shaking his head fiercely. "You didn't hurt me, and you didn't _want_ to hurt me, I know that!"

"I'm just like them!" Axel repeated, not responding to Roxas' words at all. Now he tried to shove Roxas away again, and when Roxas looked up again, he was sure the liquid glistering on the redhead's pale cheeks wasn't just water. "Oh God, d-don't touch me, I'm... I'm_ filthy_, don't come near me, I would... I don't want to..." He hid his face in his hands, digging his fingers into his cheeks. "I'm tainting you, p-please go away..."

"Stop saying that!" Roxas screamed exasperatedly, grabbing Axel's wrists again and tearing the redhead's hands away from his face with surprising strength. "You can't _taint_ me. Don't say that again. I know you didn't want to hurt me!"

"I _did_!" the redhead cried hysterically, trying to break free, pulling his hands back roughly. Roxas clasped his hands tighter around Axel's wrists. "Don't you understand? I _did_ want to! I wanted to... to do _things_ to you, I wanted to do things _they_ did to me!" He laughed, a nasty, broken sound that made Roxas shiver. "I told you I wanted to lock you up a few days ago, don't you remember? Just like _they_ did! I wanted to have you all to myself, I wanted to have... _you_, and I couldn't hold myself back, a-and you were s-so damned cute down there, when we watched the movie, and the only thing I could think about was holding back so I wouldn't do anything you wouldn't want to, but then you didn't refuse me when I kissed you, and I was so turned on by only being _near_ you, by _feeling_ you... I... I would have _hurt_ you..."

"But you _didn't_!" Roxas shouted, shaking the obviously hysteric boy lightly. "You didn't hurt me!"

"I would have! I'm like _them_!" Axel yelled, wrenching his arms free. Roxas immediately threw his arms around his waist again.

"You're not!" he screamed. "You are not like them! You stopped when I asked you to!"

"But..." Axel stopped struggling abruptly, staring down at Roxas with his eerily dark eyes. "But I..."

"You didn't force me to anything, I wanted it just as much as you. And you stopped when I asked you to. You didn't hurt me," Roxas said again, pressing his face against Axel's wet chest, squeezing his eyes shut. "Please, stop thinking that. You could never hurt me, no matter what you do."

"But..." he heard Axel sob again, and he let go of the redhead's hands to gently grab his face and pull him down so he could kiss him. He tasted salt and a trace of something sweet, and he felt the tension in the redhead's lean body leave quickly, and to his relief he felt thin, rather cold lips respond to his gentle kiss shyly.

He broke the kiss again, looking up, straight into in the moonlight colorless eyes, which had turned a shade brighter again. He watched drops of clear water trailing over still too pale skin, he tried to memorize every curve and angle of Axel's handsome face, ran his shaking fingers over the dark tattoos and thin lips, through wet hair, which was framing those ethereally beautiful features and was sticking to the cool, pale skin on his slender neck. He tried to memorize everything about his crimson haired angel, because he was about to do something that could scare him away, and he _needed_ the memory.

"I love you," he said slowly, pronouncing every single syllable clearly and distinctly. He tried to smile, but he knew he failed, and he looked down again. The look of utter shock and astonishment on the other boy's face, he didn't want to look at it, because he knew it would soon turn into something he would never want to see...

"You don't know me," he heard the redhead whisper shakily, and now he was the one who couldn't hold back a sob.

"I _do_," he disagreed, smiling sadly again, even though Axel couldn't see it.

"No, you don't. You have known me for what? Six weeks? You don't know me." There was a slightly hysteric note in his voice again. "Don't say something like that if you don't _mean_ it!"

"But I _do_," Roxas repeated, no longer able to hold back tears. "It doesn't matter for how long I've known you, because it feels like I've known you all my life when we're together. I know enough about you to know you're the most amazing person I've ever met, and I know that _I love you_..."

"Don't say it if you don't mean it, Roxas," the redhead pleaded again, gently grasping Roxas' chin and forcing him to look upwards again. "Please, don't do this to me..."

"I mean it!" Roxas yelled, ripping the hand from his face. "I _love_ you, goddammit!"

For a while everything was silent but the quiet rolling of the waves, then suddenly a choked gasp was heard from the beach. Roxas and Axel both turned around and stared at Sora, who was sitting on the white sand, right next to Axel's clothes. Riku was standing next to him, frowning down at the chocolate haired boy who seemed to be... crying?

"Sora?" he whispered, glancing back at the shivering redhead he was still holding. Axel was gnawing on his lip nervously, and Roxas could see he was biting down so hard he was bleeding. A drop of blood trickled down his chin, but then he smiled... at least he tried to. "Axel?" Roxas sniffed, torn between the wish to comfort his boyfriend and the urge to help his brother.

"I'm fine," Axel mumbled, slowly letting go of Roxas and laying his arms around himself. Water still dripped from his wet and remarkably un-spiky hair and the dark strands partly hid his eyes, which were appearing bright again. "I'm okay, really." And when Roxas continued to stare at him, he smiled a bit wider, shoving his shoulder gently. "Go."

When Roxas still didn't move, the redhead shook his head and grabbed his hand, dragging him with him as he waded back to the shore. For a short moment Roxas couldn't help but stare at him, following the clear drops of water trailing down his skin with hungry eyes, and he was glad the redhead had at least kept his boxers on, even though they were of course clinging to his body like a second skin now, but then worry about his brother won over his desire, and he tore his hand away from Axel to run over to his brother.

"Sora? Are you okay?" he asked worriedly, touching his brother's shoulder gently. Sora's head jerked up, and to Roxas' surprise his twin was grinning from ear to ear. Still unshed tears made his big eyes glisten in the dim light.

Sora laughed, still sitting in the sand and holding his stomach with one hand. Roxas frowned, exchanging a confused look with Riku, who shrugged helplessly. Roxas wasn't even able to tell if Sora was laughing like that because he was happy, of if he had finally gone insane over his little brother's dramatic escapades...

"_Finally_!" Sora suddenly gasped, wiping his face with the back of his hand. "You actually _said_ it!"

Again Roxas threw his brother's boyfriend a bewildered look, and again Riku could only shake his head, obviously as clueless as Roxas himself.

"That's the first time you told anybody but me," Sora continued, still smiling while he got up again, brushing sand from his clothes. "You're making progress, Roxy."

Roxas blinked, glad nobody would see him blushing in the dim light. Well, he hadn't been very discreet, had he? Sora had known it anyway, so...

"You didn't even tell _them_," Sora added, still smiling, but this time his eyes were serious as he stared into his brother's eyes.

_And you should have told _him _about_ them _before you told him you loved him._

Roxas could hear the underlying message in his twin's calm voice clearly, and it made him feel ashamed. Even more so when he realized they weren't alone on the quiet beach.

"Didn't tell whom?" Axel asked very quietly, joining them again. He had put on his pants already, his shirts thrown over his shoulder and his shoes in his hand. He didn't dare to meet anybody's gaze, staring down at the ground.

Roxas swallowed around the lump of pure panic suddenly forming in his throat. He tried to say anything, but failed to come up with the right words. Now was probably the worst moment of all to come out with the truth...

Sora still stared at him, sending him wordless messages Roxas wasn't able to fully understand because panic was clouding his mind, but then his brother turned to look at the redhead.

"Oh, our parents," Sora explained, grinning innocently and scratching his head. "Roxas isn't very good when it comes to expressing his emotions, I'm sure you noticed..."

"I don't know, he seemed pretty expressive to me," Riku butted in, narrowing his eyes at the twins. "You don't tell your parents you love them?"

"I don't do that either," Sora admitted, smiling sadly. "Not anymore. We barely even see them anyway. It would be a lie, and it still feels wrong to lie to our parents, you know..."

That was quite surprising to hear, even for Roxas. Riku stared at Sora unbelievingly, and even Axel glanced up at the dark haired twin briefly. Then he looked out to the sea, lost in thoughts.

"_You _can't tell your parents you love them either?" Riku asked stunned, and Sora crossed his arms in front of his chest defensively.

"What's so surprising about that?" he mumbled softly, his voice sounding strained and strangely hurt.

"Well, you..." Riku paused, obviously searching for the right words. He failed, shrugging helplessly. "You're _Sora_!"

For a short moment it looked like Sora wanted to respond something, but then he bit his lip and looked at the silent redhead instead, ignoring Riku completely.

"Hey," he said, stepping forward. "Are you hurt?"

Roxas still couldn't decide whether to worry more about his brother or his boyfriend. But it was obvious Sora didn't want to talk about it now, and Roxas knew his brother well. Sora could be even more thick-headed than him, and that was saying something...

... besides, Axel was still acting pretty weird...

"No," Axel grunted, dropping his shoes and trying to slip his arms through the sleeves of his shirt. A pale hand on his arm prevented him from doing so.

"What the fuck did you _do_, Pyro?" Riku hissed and narrowed his aqua eyes again, eying the bloody scratches on the redhead's arms.

"None of your business," Axel murmured, trying to wrench his arm free. Riku wouldn't have it. His hand closed tighter around Axel's arm, and the redhead couldn't hold back a small whimper.

"You tried to hurt yourself again, didn't you?" the silver haired boy asked, his voice shaky and angry and hurt. Axel lowered his gaze to the ground again, not even trying to break loose anymore.

"Let go, Riku," he said so quietly Roxas could barely understand him. Riku did, but he balled his hands into tight fists.

Roxas and Sora exchanged sad looks. Roxas wanted to help, but he didn't know _how_... Maybe he had been wrong. Maybe he didn't know Axel as well as he thought he did...

"Those need to be cleaned," Riku finally forced out, grinding his teeth angrily, still staring at the ashamed redhead. He turned sharply, silver hair flying around his head, and stalked back to the gate stiffly. Axel followed him obediently, and Sora and Roxas hurried to follow them inside.

* * *

Only moments later the twins sat in Roxas' room, both of them staying silent. Roxas had taken a quick shower and was still drying his hair with a towel, and he had changed into more comfortable clothes, loose black pants and a faded blue hoodie.

"Wonder what takes 'em so long," Sora mumbled, chin propped in his hands while he was staring out of the window.

"No idea," Roxas replied sourly, flinging the wet towel in the far corner of the room. Sora had told the other boys to use another bathroom and his room to tend Axel's wounds. It had only been scratches, not even deep or anything, but Riku had insisted to help Axel with those. Roxas and Sora had agreed, already suspecting the two older boys had to talk about something in private.

Roxas wanted nothing more than to go over and make sure Axel was okay. He knew the redhead wouldn't want to see him right now, but it was so hard to keep his curiosity in check...

"Since when can't you tell Mom and Dad you love them anymore?" he heard himself ask, and he was too tired to regret letting the question slip. Sora only glanced at him from the corners of his eyes, frowning thoughtfully.

"I don't know," Sora surprised him by actually answering the question. His twin didn't even sound angry or anything. He sounded just as tired as Roxas felt. "A while." He sighed and shifted so he could throw his legs over the armrest of one of the armchairs. "I doubt they even mind."

"Why do you say that?" Roxas asked softly, resting his chin on his folded arms. "I'm sure they do."

Sora shook his head, smiling at him bitterly. "No," he stated firmly, hoisting himself up from his comfortable seat and starting to pace around in the big room. "I doubt they even _notice_ it. When was the last time they called? Two months ago? They don't care, believe me. Especially not about me..." He stopped, a frightened look on his face. He clasped his hand over his mouth, as if he could take back the words this way. Roxas slowly put his feet to the floor and stood, carefully walking over to where his twin was standing.

"Sora," he said, gently taking his brother's gloved hands. Sora wore his gloves more often again, he had noticed. Even inside their house when they were home alone, which was fairly unusual. He sometimes wondered if Sora had shown his hands to his boyfriend already... "Why do you think that?"

"Oh come on, you _know_ why," Sora all but shouted, but he made no move to fight against Roxas, just squeezed his brother's hand tightly. "Dad doesn't even believe I'm _his_ son."

"That's ridiculous," Roxas replied, and now he began to understand why Sora was saying all those things. "We are twins, Sora."

"But I'm not even half as smart as you," Sora pointed out sadly, looking down at his feet. "I'm nothing like our parents. I'm lazy and messy and clumsy and..."

"What?" Roxas laughed, trying to cheer his brother up. "You're an athlete, Sora! You're not clumsy at all, or else you..."

"I'm _stupid_," Sora interrupted him, hiding his face by turning away from Roxas. "I can see why they like you better."

"They don't..." Roxas began, then sighed deeply. They had had this discussion so often already. "They don't favor one of us, Sora. They love us both... or hate us both just as much, depends on how you want to call it." He hugged his brother from behind, trying to soothe the insecurity Sora was feeling with his words. "You're the better twin anyway, we both know that."

"I'm not," Sora instantly replied.

"In my opinion you_ are_," Roxas disagreed, smiling when Sora turned his head a bit to look at him. "You're a wonderful brother, did I tell you that already?"

He was relieved when Sora finally smiled. "What would I do without you, Roxy?" he sighed and tousled Roxas' still wet hair playfully, smiling wider when Roxas pouted. "I don't want to argue about that again. We should look what Riku and Axel are doing."

Roxas nodded, agreeing whole-heartedly with his brother. He was too tired to argue, and he didn't want to think about their uncaring parents right now. He was still worried about his boyfriend, and he was so curious what took them so long...

So he followed Sora silently, cocking his head to the side when he heard voices coming from the door. Sora was already at the slightly opened door, one hand raised as if to knock on the dark wood. But he didn't, staring at the door instead.

"Why don't you just tell me what happened?" they heard Riku say. He still sounded somewhat angry, but even more worried now.

"For the fucking last time, I won't tell you!" Axel answered angrily. "I'm_ fine_!"

"Yeah, right," Riku replied blankly, and then they heard Axel yelp.

"Dammit, that fucking hurts, you douchebag!" the redhead growled.

"Oh, _really_?" Riku sneered, and Axel let out another hiss of pain. "I just _wonder_ what happened to give you those oh-so-painful scratches!"

"And that's all they are, _scratches_! And you're putting way too much antiseptic on it, and that's why they hurt!" Axel snorted, and Riku sighed.

"Fine," the silver haired one said. "I'll shut up."

It was silent for a while, and Roxas could see Sora reaching for the knob. But both twins froze when they heard Axel speak up again.

"I wanted to... I wanted to hurt... Roxas," the redhead forced out shakily. Riku didn't say anything, but Roxas noticed Sora was staring at him now, his mouth forming a surprised 'O'. He shook his head, indicating his brother the redhead was wrong. "I w-wanted... to... you know..."

"I think I do," Riku answered slowly. "So what?"

"So what? _So what_? Riku, I wanted to... _rape_ him!" Axel shrieked choked. Sora frowned at Roxas again, and this time Roxas couldn't help but blush deeply. "I wanted to do to him what Kadaj did to me..."

"I really doubt_ that_," Riku objected sharply. Axel fell silent all at once. When Riku spoke again, his voice sounded much softer. "I don't know if you noticed it, you being the idiot you sometimes are, but that kid is head over heels for you... I doubt you did anything he didn't want." A small pause. "You remember that he told you he loves you, right?"

No answer. Roxas felt his face fall, and he didn't even react when Sora laid a hand on his shoulder.

"Axel, acting like that won't help," Riku continued after a while. "Running away every time something goes wrong, trying to hurt yourself every time you think you did something wrong... I thought you didn't want to do that anymore..." Again there was no answer. Riku sighed. "Do you want to talk to Demyx about it? Or Aerith?"

"No, don't tell them, please," the redhead pleaded. "I... I won't do that anymore, I... was just... It was a _mistake_, okay? It won't happen again."

"You know that Demy and Zexy will notice it sooner or later, right?"

"N-No, they won't, it's only scratches, they'll be gone in two days or so..."

"I think you need to talk to Aerith sometime..."

"I need _Roxas_," Axel countered fiercely, and again Roxas felt his face heat up. Sora smiled at him, and Roxas grimaced slightly. "When he's with me, I'm able to _forget_ about... you know..."

"Yeah..." Riku agreed thoughtfully. "But you didn't seem too happy about what he told you..."

"No, I... I don't..." Axel groaned softly. "It _scares_ me."

"I know," Riku sighed. "I know."

"Come on, I think we've heard enough." Sora suddenly whispered, pulling Roxas away from the door. Roxas followed him obediently, trying to make no sound as they sneaked back to the door to his room.

He didn't know what to feel anymore. He knew it should somehow hurt him that Axel couldn't accept his feelings. But he knew how hard that had to be for the redhead, probably because it had been so hard for himself to figure it out... And he was strangely relieved about it too, to tell the truth.

He didn't want Axel to say it yet. He didn't want him to say he loved Roxas back, because he would take it back anyway when Roxas told him about his experiments...

Sora opened and closed the door to his room noisily. "Come on, Roxas, we should go back down, or else Hayner might start to mess up the sound system again," he exclaimed just loud enough for the other boys to hear.

"You think Riku and Axel are ready?" Roxas replied, careful not to speak too loud and putting just the right amount of worry into his voice.

"Well... Riku?" Sora said a bit louder and went over to his door again, softly knocking at the door. "Are you done in there?"

The door opened fully almost immediately, and Riku looked at the twins warily. Roxas had to muster up every ounce of his acting talent to keep the silver haired boy from getting suspicious. Sora seemed to have no problem with that, looking at his boyfriend questioningly and a bit worried.

"Is Axel okay?" Roxas asked worried, reaching out for Riku as if he had forgotten about the other's dislike of human contact again. Riku shied back a bit, staring right into his eyes... then he nodded cautiously.

"I'm okay, Sunshine," the redhead himself made himself heard from inside the room, and Riku stepped to the side, letting Roxas in. He and Sora remained at the door, while Roxas ran over to the bed, where dressing material was still spread over the fresh sheets. Axel was sitting on the bed cross-legged, fingering the bandages around his lower arms, before he pulled the sleeves of the black sweater he had changed into down to hide them. He looked up when Roxas sat down next to him, smiling weakly. His lip wasn't bleeding anymore, but it appeared to be still slightly swollen. His wet hair was tied back in a low ponytail, the shorter strands framing his face already spiking again.

"Really?" Roxas asked timidly, gently laying his hand over Axel's. "Are you feeling okay? If you don't want to go down again I'll stay with you... Or do you want to go home? I could bring you home if you want..."

"No, no," the redhead said and shook his head. "No problem..." He laughed shakily. "I just hope you have some good movies down there, eh?"

"Sure!" Sora exclaimed happily. "Do you want to choose the next one?"

"Nah, anything is fine with me," Axel said, standing up without meeting Roxas' gaze. "Just don't... I don't want the others..."

"Oh, we won't tell anything," Sora assured him quickly, smiling warmly. "Come on, I'm sure they already noticed all of us were missing..."

They went down again, Sora gently taking Riku's hand as they went. Roxas glanced at Axel, trying to figure out if he should do the same... He didn't, noticing the somber look the redhead was wearing.

He couldn't shake off the feeling his confession had only made everything worse...

The others were still watching the movie they had been watching earlier. It surprised Roxas a bit. He had thought they had been gone longer...

But the ending sequence was already flickering over the screen, and everybody was chatting about the movie animatedly.

Until Demyx caught them sneaking into the room again. He smiled, nudging Zexion's shoulder and pointing at them.

"Oh, look who decided to join us again!", the blue haired boy exclaimed smirking, just loud enough to get everybody's attention.

For a short moment Roxas wanted to hurt him for that, noticing how Axel next to him winced slightly.

"Hey, why are you guys wet? What did you do?" Olette asked innocently, causing Selphie to whirl around and gasp loudly.

"Skinny-dipping," Sora answered cheerfully. A short moment of silence followed.

"Skinny-dipping," Kairi finally repeated, smirking smugly.

"Skinny-dipping," Riku agreed shrugging, and Selphie actually started to _cry_.

"Why didn't you tell meeeeeee?" she whined, drawing strange looks from everybody. "What?"

"Seph, if you continue acting like that, we have to talk about a few things..." Tidus growled irritably. "Why would you want to watch four _naked_ guys _swimming_?"

"Whaaaaat?" Selphie pouted. "I would've taken you with me, Tidu-widu!"

"Think I'll pass," Tidus sighed and rolled his eyes.

"You even got Axel to join you?" Zexion asked, still smiling. Only Demyx seemed to sense something was off. "How'd you do that?"

"What, you think I would've let a chance to grope a wet, naked Roxas pass?" the redhead smirked, and hadn't Roxas known what had happened, he might not have caught the slight tremor in his voice. He hoped no-one else had.

"Pervert!" he yelled quickly, acting as if he was pissed off by the joking, crossing his arms and pouting. It seemed to work, everybody laughed at them... Only Demyx was still frowning at them skeptically.

"Okay, what do we watch next?" Sora shouted over the racket, and Roxas tuned the following discussion out completely. He watched as Axel walked over to their shared seat and plopped down on it, pulling his knees up to his chin and staring at the floor. Roxas wanted to follow him, but Demyx turned around in his seat and grabbed his arm quickly.

"What's wrong with him?" he whispered so quietly nobody but Roxas and Zexion could hear him. Zexion frowned and looked at Roxas too, obviously confused.

Roxas opened his mouth, debating whether to tell them or not... and closed it again. Axel didn't want them to know. But Demyx seemed to know anyway, so...

"I can't tell you," he finally said. "Ask him yourself. But leave him alone for a while, okay?"

Demyx threw the redhead another worried look. "Is he okay?" he asked, and now Zexion turned around to glance at the redhead too.

"I really don't know," he answered truthfully. "I hope so."

Demyx nodded hesitatingly and let go of Roxas again, shaking his head when Zexion wanted to ask something and laying a finger over his lips.

Roxas walked over to his seat next to the redhead and sat down, careful not to touch the other boy. He didn't know if he wanted that after all. He didn't really realize another movie had started to play, even though his eyes were fixed on the screen. Amused laughter and quiet chatting quickly died down when the movie started and bathed the whole room in cold blue light.

He knew Riku and Sora were still shooting them worried glances every now and then. He knew he wanted nothing more than reach out and at least grab Axel's hand, to show him he was here and wasn't mad and wouldn't go away, but he didn't dare to.

He didn't know what to do... He couldn't just act like nothing had happened, but he didn't want to upset Axel either... So he just laid his hand tentatively onto the plushy material of the small sofa, easy for Axel to reach it if he wanted to.

For a while everything stayed like this, everybody enjoying the movie, talking and laughing quietly... Riku and Sora talking too, but obviously not about the movie... Axel and Roxas curled up on the opposite ends of their loveseat, avoiding any kind of contact.

Then Roxas felt something close around his hand. He looked down, watching long fingers intertwine with his own, then looked up at Axel, who was still staring at the screen, watching the colorful scenes flickering across the screen. He could feel the gentle pressure the redhead was applying on his fingers, and a small smile turned the corners of his mouth upwards.

He was already adjusting to the fact this would be all the redhead would be able to initiate this evening, but then Axel surprised him by raising their interlaced hands and pulling gently, still not looking at Roxas, keeping his eyes down.

Roxas slid closer, his heart suddenly beating twice as fast as before. He settled down on the place Axel offered him, smiling even wider when familiar, long arms sneaked around his waist from behind, one hand resting on his stomach, the other one on his thigh, long legs on each side of him. He felt the redhead rest his chin on his shoulder, and for a short moment he wanted to cry out of pure happiness...

"I'm sorry," Axel murmured softly into his hair, and even now, with the movie sounds blaring from the speakers, Roxas was able to make out the distinct quiver in his voice.

"Don't be," he replied softly.

"Can't help it," Axel muttered, his arms tightening around Roxas. "I made you worry about me, and I'm sorry for that... and for..." He laughed quietly. "For assaulting you like I did, I guess."

"It's alright," Roxas said, resting his hands on the one lying on his stomach. "Actually... I enjoyed it."

"Hm..." The redhead fell silent again for a while, and Roxas already believed this had been all he had had to say, but then... "I can't say it back." Only a whisper, barely audible over the movie playing in the background, and yet the whispered words made Roxas shiver. "I'm so sorry, but I can't say it back. Not yet." Roxas felt him pressing his forehead against Roxas' shoulder, and to his horror Roxas could feel the slim body enveloping his jerk as silent sobs wracked his boyfriend's body.

"No," he whispered softly, grasping the hand resting on his stomach and turning around the best he could in the tight embrace, softly petting fiery red, damp spikes tickling his face. "Axel, you don't have to say it. I don't _want_ you to say it."

"Why?" Came the choked answer, and the redhead looked up to Roxas, emerald eyes swimming in tears. "You... you said..."

"It's not important what I said," Roxas interrupted him gently. "What I told you were _my_ reasons to tell you that I..." He blushed, but kept his eyes fixed on cat-like green ones. "... love you... But you don't have to feel pressured to say it back. I don't want you to say it as long as you don't know..." He looked away, biting his lip uneasily. "As long... as you don't know... enough about me to... feel comfortable when you say it. Don't worry about it, okay? Let's talk about it tomorrow."

"Okay," Axel whispered relieved, squeezing Roxas gently and pressing a chaste kiss on his cheek, resting his chin on Roxas' shoulder while continuing to stare at the screen. "Thank you, Sunshine."

Roxas smiled again, snuggling up to the warm body behind him with a content sigh. He didn't need the redhead to say it. His presence alone was enough to make Roxas feel cherished and loved... and that was all he needed right now.

He wasn't able to get the grin off his face, until he fell asleep in his lover's arms, lulled to sleep by the sound of his heartbeat and the warmth that was completely engulfing him. The last thing he felt was another gentle kiss on his cheek, the last thing he heard a soft "Sleep well, my little angel."

And he was in heaven again.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Hey, I _told_ you there wouldn't be a confession here in the last chapter already! Really now, I'm not _that heartless_! I can't let Roxas hurt Axel like that after a scene like this...

Well, like I promised, Chapter 19 for you. I'm sorry, but the next chapter (which will hopefully contain THE CONFESSION everybody keeps asking me about) could take well until Christmas, because the next weeks will be pretty stressful for me. I won't have much time to write, I'm sorry. I hope you don't mind. Hey, at least you got a bit smut...ty-ness, which was _so_ hard to write, I can't even begin to describe it...

Oh well.

Hm, yeah, one more thing. I was debating with myself the last weeks, whether or not to allow unsigned reviews for this story, because so many of you wrote you had to create your own account here on FFnet just to review. I chose not to allow them (which was a pretty hard desicion, believe me!), mainly because I want to be able to reply to your reviews. I like to thank everybody who reviews personally, if only to show every reviewer how much I appreciate every single review. I hope you don't mind that either. If you don't want to create an account just for reviewing, I can understand that. Don't think I love you less because of that! It still amazes me more than fivehundred people read a chapter in less than a week, I never thought this story would get this popular. Thank you so much, for everything!


	21. Chapter 20

**Summary:** His life had always been perfect, or at least so Roxas had liked to think. But overcoming his own fears for someone else isn't as easy as it seems. When both his own and his lover's past threatens their unstable relationship, Roxas has to face the truth: His life was far from perfect. But at least it was better than Axel's.

**Warnings:** Psh, since most of you guys are probably even bigger perverts than me, I'll refrain from spoiling anything. It's nothing you can't handle. Nothing graphic or anything. Yet. Hehe.

**Pairings:** AkuRoku main, RikuxSora, ZexionxDemyx side pairings. Possible LeonxCloud later on. Much, much later though.

**Disclaimer:** This is getting boring. Bleh. Read disclaimer 1-20 for further information.

**Chapter Dedication:** Where to begin? Eh. Let's say I'll dedicate it to everyone who hasn't killed me yet and still reads this.

**Thanks to:** Oh my god... (inhales):

**aakahasha, AgainstTheARCADE, Anelir-sensei, Appollochan, biach-goddess-leah, breezies, chibi heishi, Crystalice24201, Ealucidisnotemo, enix-XIII, FadingFire, Flawless Beauti, Iaveina, immacookie, JigokuTenshi999, Jupiter 13, kaiyurichan818, Kev the She-Wolf, kuromai, , Miharu-Tenshi, mulle999, OneKnux, Plain Jane Is A Vampire, queenoficyhearts, RHTHH Founder, SharpiesInAGayRainbow, shinigamigirl42, SlumCity, Surien-san, tesnoire, Thatz, The Forbidden Fox, Vanilla Kiss, Yukiko Chiharu**

AND THOSE WERE JUST THE NEW REVIEWERS!!!! Wow... This time I _have _to have forgotten someone... Please, if you weren't mentioned... forgive me, I've not really slept the last few nights. But thank you! Thank you all so much!

And now go on and read, I'll rant a bit more in the end... Shoo!

* * *

**Perfect Match - Chapter 20**

There were moments that Roxas always cherished when he woke up every morning; moments right between dreaming and being awake, moments when he realized he wasn't dreaming anymore, but when everything still felt unreal and hazy, when the whole world outside still seemed so quiet and calm. He loved those moments even more when he knew he didn't have to get up anytime soon.

Usually he still got up soon afterwards, sitting on his couch to watch the sunrise, still tired but not able to sleep longer than three or four hours. But today he could already feel warm rays of sunlight tickling his skin. He felt warm and cozy, and he felt refreshed like he had slept for ten hours straight...

Well, maybe he _had_...

However, one thing was annoying him. His pillow, as comfortable as it was, was strange and way harder than normal, and it was _moving_.

Roxas wrinkled his nose and rubbed his cheek against the soft fabric his face was resting on, yawning and snuggling closer to this fairly unfamiliar but warm, nice smelling, strange pillow, then he forced his eyes open.

Oh.

Well.

For a moment Roxas tried not to breathe, fearing he would wake his redheaded 'pillow'. Axel was still sleeping soundly, and Roxas had to smile. The redhead was lying on his back, his arms under the pillow his head was resting on, face halfway buried in the soft cushion. Roxas' head was resting on the redhead's lean chest, which had to be rather uncomfortable... not for Roxas though, he had to admit. Even though he expected his neck to be cramped and preventively bit his lip to keep himself from uttering a sound, there was no pain at all when he carefully lifted his head, slowly sitting upright and rubbing his eyes, yawning again.

He almost laughed, thinking that the redhead seemed to be shaped just perfectly to serve as Roxas' human cushion... Roxas-nomic, so to speak...

Yes, that _was_ funny if one was still half asleep.

Roxas shook his head grinning, sighing quietly when he stretched and ran both hands through his hair lazily. It seemed to be pretty late already. He was barely able to see the sun from his place on his big bed anymore.

His gaze was drawn to the sleeping redhead again, and again he sighed, barely noticing it. He didn't even realize his hand had moved to brush spiky crimson strands out of a pale, calm face, at least not until he felt the silky texture of lusciously red hair under his fingertips. He held his breath alarmed, but Axel didn't move, not even when Roxas' hastily retreating fingers accidentally brushed over his cheek.

Roxas couldn't help but marvel at the pure and utter beauty, which was gracing his eyes... His gaze wandered over a serene face, eyes closed in peaceful slumber, unnaturally dark lashes resting on pale cheeks, over the eye-catching teardrop tattoos, over the thin nose, the halfway opened mouth, and he couldn't help but wonder why in the name of God this dazzling, stunning beauty had chosen to be with _him_ of all people...

And he had to think he would want to wake up like this every morning... Greeted by this beauteous sight, feeling warm and fuzzy and safe and _happy_...

Holy _crap_, had he _really_ told Axel he _loved_ him the night before?

The dreamy smile on his face froze, his vision grew strangely blurred and unfocused, and his breath hitched in his throat. Had he _really_...?

Everything had happened so fast; the movie, and kissing, and... and... making out down in the basement, and in the kitchen, and in his room... He could remember how thrilling it had felt, he could remember the feeling of hot skin on his own, he could remember wet lips caressing his neck, warm hands roaming his body… Oh God, that had been so _exciting_... and... then...

Had it been a dream? He knew he had fallen asleep during a movie. Maybe he had really just dreamed it all…

His gaze dropped to a slender, steadily moving chest, clad in the same black sweater the redhead had changed into, after... he... had…

Roxas tentatively reached out again, cautiously grasping one of the redhead's sleeves and tugging it down, revealing white bandages on his lower arms.

Okay... so _this_ part had been real as well. Roxas sighed once again, gently grazing the white gauze with two fingers. The bandaged arm twitched, and Roxas watched the sleeping redhead wrinkle his nose in an unbearably cute way that almost made Roxas squeal happily. Then he lay still again, and Roxas found himself unable to tear his gaze away from him once more.

Why had he done that? He had… he had tried to _hurt_ himself, just because he had thought he _could_ have hurt Roxas if he _had_ continued... And Riku had hinted Axel had done that before. Some days Roxas could not believe that, because on those days Axel acted so... confident. But then there were days like the day before, there were moments when he feared... feared that... someday Axel could try to do something stupid when he had one of those hysteric, irrational panic attacks.

Fuck. And _how_ should he tell Axel about his experiments _now_?

He groaned softly, biting down on one of the pillows to stifle the sound. He already _had_ known Sora had been right about telling Axel everything _before_, but only _after_ that scene the day before he had realized how much more complicated it would become the longer he waited.

He _had_ probably waited too long already...

He shouldn't have told Axel that he loved him. But it had felt so _right_ to do it... It just had been the right moment for him to say it. And Axel had needed to hear it, he was sure of that... even though he had not seemed too happy to hear it.

"Why did I do that?" Roxas whispered to himself, sighing deeply and sitting up again, holding his aching head with both hands. He didn't exactly know if he meant his confession... or his experiments. Probably both. _Most likely_ both.

He looked down surprised when he felt something fumbling with his shirt… feeling his eyes widen and his mouth go slack when he realized that this 'something' was a slender hand… slowly making its way around his waist. For a moment he was even too shocked to notice the pleasant, fluttering sensation the delicate touch sent through his body. Suddenly he was yanked back and fell flat on his back with a weak, choked 'Oomph!'. He wanted to sit up again, but a lanky arm was draped over his chest, pinning him down effectively. Roxas held his breath for a moment, not daring to move, feeling an all too familiar, unpleasant warmth rising into his cheeks.

"Stop thinkin' so loud," Axel murmured, the words slightly slurred and his voice still coated with sleep. He snuggled up to Roxas, tightening his hold on the smaller boy and entangling their legs so Roxas had no chance to escape at all. The obviously still halfway sleeping redhead then continued by nuzzling the soft curls of blond hair behind Roxas' ear before he lay still again, sighing quietly into Roxas' hair. Roxas gulped down another panicky breath.

Okay. He had a very, _very_ bad feeling about this situation. Yeah, well, no, eh... ehm... Okay, he liked being held like this; that was an already established fact. But... still, he couldn't get rid of the feeling something awful was going to happen.

Soon Axel would wake up and would notice that he was holding him. Then he would tense up... Yes, like that. Then he would remember the occurrences of the night before, and he would gasp quietly... Just like this. Then his hands would start to shake, just like they did now... And then...

Roxas quickly caught the other boy's hand when he tried to pull it back in his haste to get away from him. He yanked harshly, causing the other boy to fall back this time, and without thinking he kneeled over the redhead, still holding his wrist. Emerald eyes looked up to him, still hazy and drowsy, yet wide and surprised and filled with guilt. The hand Roxas was still holding down closed to a fist and relaxed again nervously. Roxas moved his own hand to cover the redhead's bigger one, feeling his slender frame shake slightly. Axel flinched back, his other hand jerkily closing around the sheets beneath him.

"Hey there, sleeping beauty," Roxas whispered jokingly, and he smiled apologetically when Axel winced at this. A light blush swept over the redhead's cheeks; then he paled again, gasping for breath, his handsome face an image of pain and guilt.

"Roxas, I... I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to..." Axel started to apologize for whatever he thought he had to apologize for, but Roxas just smiled a bit wider and leaned down to kiss the redhead's cheek softly.

"Stop doing that," he said quietly, his eyes locking with emerald ones. "Everything is _fine_."

"But I... I fucked up your movie night with my... my... outburst yesterday," Axel tried to object, and Roxas sighed, sitting back on the redhead's legs, crossing his arms and frowning down at the boy lying under him.

"_Everything is fine_," he repeated slowly. Axel groaned softly and sat up halfway, propping himself on an elbow and rubbing his eyes wearily with his free hand.

"No, it's not," he replied sulkily, yelping and jerking and almost falling back when Roxas suddenly poked him in the side.

"Yes it is!" Roxas insisted.

"No it's not," Axel protested again, earning himself another poke. This time he really fell back into the ruffled cushions, holding his side protectively. Roxas smirked when he noticed his voice had grown a nuance higher. "Stop that!"

"Only if you admit that everything is fine," Roxas persisted grinning, poking the redhead's now unprotected side.

"Holy _fuck_!" Axel shrieked, jerking away from his blonde tormentor's teasing fingers, and Roxas started to laugh. "It's _not_!"

"Is _too_!" Roxas yelled cheerfully, letting his fingers dance over the already squirming redhead's stomach again, laughing even louder when Axel tried to shake him off. "I never knew _you _were ticklish!"

"I'm _not_!" Axel shouted exasperatedly, still trying to grab Roxas' hands.

"Are _toooooooo_!" Roxas howled, gasping when Axel finally managed to grab his wrists, yank him down and pin him to the mattress.

"Stop changing the subject, Sunshine," Axel growled, but now he was smiling himself. He tried to hide it with a frown, but Roxas could see it anyway.

"Don't know what you mean," he replied as innocently as possible, licking his suddenly dry lips and smiling. Judging by the weird look crossing Axel's face and the slight blush suddenly appearing on his pale cheeks, it hadn't come out quite as innocently as Roxas had intended. All the more fun. "_I_ enjoyed myself last night. Didn't you?"

Axel winced and stared at him dumbfounded, then he frowned even deeper than before.

"It didn't sound like you enjoyed yourself," he murmured softly, looking away and trying to sit up. Roxas quickly threw his arms around the other's neck to hold him back.

"And which part of all my moaning your name and squirming and kissing you back did indicate that I didn't enjoy what you did to me?" he asked smirking, his smile fading a bit when he noticed tears in those beautiful emerald eyes. Oh, crap. He probably had gone too far with that.

"The part where you begged me to stop," Axel whispered and tried to wriggle his way out of Roxas' embrace. "Could you please let go of me now?"

"No," Roxas answered, lacing his fingers together to hold Axel back instead of letting go. "Could _you_ listen to me for once?"

"I listened to you alright," Axel growled irritated. "Let _go_!"

"Obviously you didn't," Roxas disagreed sharply. "You didn't do anything I didn't want you to. I just got scared because... I... uhm..." He blushed, and now it was his turn to avoid the redhead's gaze. "I... kinda... never went this far with anybody else before." _I always pushed them away before they could go too far._

He still didn't dare to look up, but he could _feel_ the redhead's gaze on him. He slowly let go of his boyfriend, sliding his hands down his neck before he let them drop onto the cushions beneath him.

"Sorry," he mumbled, suddenly feeling both guilty and ashamed. "I shouldn't... have..."

"Okay, this is getting nowhere," Axel interrupted him frowning. "Could we please establish it was my fault and go getting breakfast?"

Roxas couldn't help but stare at him for a moment, and then he hid the soft giggle escaping him in his hand. "Noooooooo, we can't do that," he finally answered, chuckling again when Axel sighed and let his head drop onto Roxas' chest, red spikes tickling his face. Roxas ran a hand through the brightly colored strands soothingly, marveling again at how unbelievingly _soft_ they felt.

"But I need my caffeiiiiiiiiiine!" Axel whined childishly.

"But first you have to admit you didn't do anything wrong," Roxas demanded grinning. "And you have to mean it!" he added when Axel's head shot up and a wide grin spread over his face at this. The redhead's face immediately fell again, and he frowned sulkily.

"But I..." he started, but Roxas shook his head.

"Okay, now we're in the 'But it was entirely my fault!'-phase again. And then we'll talk completely past each other, then we'll ignore each other's apologies, then we'll deny that the other one was to blame at all, and then it will start all over again," he explained, flicking Axel's nose when the redhead opened his mouth to say something. "No, it's _my_ turn now, and you won't interrupt me with one of your apologies."

Axel pouted and raised one hand to rub his nose, but then he nodded, silently urging Roxas to continue.

"Truth is that _you_ started all this yesterday," Roxas said, raising his hand warningly when Axel tried to object again. "No, you _did_. You were hitting on me as soon as you got here."

"Yeah, but that means..." Axel started and winced when Roxas flicked his forehead this time. "_Jesus_! Stop that!" He sat up and scooted away from Roxas, rubbing his forehead and pouting at him.

"You'd rather be tickled?" Roxas asked, sitting up as well and glaring back. Axel's emerald eyes widened almost comically and his hands shot down to cover his sides unconsciously, causing Roxas to smile again. "You _were_ hitting on me, but I _enjoyed_ it. Do you understand? I wanted it. I wanted it so _bad_, I wanted _you_, but I... I'm not ready yet."

"You think _I_ am?" Axel asked gloomily, curling up at his end of the bed and plucking at his sleeves, scowling at the bandages around his lower arms. "Does this look like I'm ready for anything that even remotely resembles a relationship?" He let his arms drop onto his thighs, then raising his hands to fist them in his hair again, groaning quietly.

And then he softly muttered the words Roxas had dreaded to hear since they had officially started dating.

"Maybe this was a mistake."

To his own surprise Roxas didn't immediately break down upon hearing the words. Oh, he was _devastated_, and he would have loved to throw a fit or at least break out in hysterical laughter right then and there, because he had been right; because he had known this would never work, because he didn't deserve to even be near this gorgeous, angelic young man. He _defiled_ such beauty with his presence.

He didn't dare to even utter a single word. Words would only make it worse. So he stayed silent. He even bit down on his lip to keep himself from doing or saying anything that could make the redhead retreat even further.

He had known it. It had been too good to be true... Even with all the flaws and insecurities and with all the struggling their relationship had involved so far, it had simply been too good to be true... He didn't deserve it, he...

He jerked violently when suddenly a sharp sting shot through his lower lip. His sudden movement caused Axel to look up again, and the very same moment his green eyes widened Roxas tasted something salty and coppery, and warm liquid dribbled down his chin.

"R-Roxas," Axel gasped, crawling over to him and looking at him worriedly. Roxas stared at him blankly for a moment, then he raised a hand to wipe his chin. It was only a drop of blood, and Roxas just glanced at the dark red liquid glistening on his finger before he stared into bright, almond-shaped eyes again. He licked his lip once, sucking in a sharp breath and wincing again. It _did_ still hurt, but it already seemed to have stopped bleeding.

"Roxas, you... you're bleeding, you..." Axel stuttered again, raising a hand to touch Roxas' face.

"A mistake, huh?" Roxas hissed, swatting his hand away. Axel blinked surprised, then heaved a deep sigh, letting his hand drop to his side again and clenching his hands into tight fists.

"No, I didn't mean it like that," he hissed through his gritted teeth, sitting back again and pinching the bridge of his nose. "I… just… Fuck, I don't know what I meant!" He let himself fall back onto the bed, pressing the balls of his hands against his eyes. "Could you please _not_ be difficult _today_?"

"And what am I supposed to think? You basically told me that you think _we_ are a mistake!" Roxas growled, barely keeping himself from yelling.

"I didn't say that," Axel muttered without even looking at him.

"So what _did_ you say then?" Roxas queried, not really sure if he wanted to know the answer. But he was sure he hated the cold, uneasy silence that followed his harsh words.

Axel pulled his hands away from his face, staring up to the ceiling, his expression unreadable. He didn't say a word, he didn't even _try_ to answer Roxas' question.

Suddenly a barely audible sob escaped Roxas. He was probably even more surprised about it than Axel, whose bright eyes moved to peer at him. Roxas quickly looked down at his hands, which he had unconsciously balled to tight fists, knuckles already turning white.

"I'm sorry," he muttered shakily, bracing his head in one hand, closing his eyes. Oh, he hated that all too familiar headache approaching… His eyes were burning, his throat felt achy and too tight to breathe comfortably, and his hands started to shake. "I… Oh damn… I'm so sorry; I always have to… have to spoil everything…" He laughed dryly, burying his face in his hands, willing the tears gathering in his eyes not to fall. "Why do I do that?" he muttered distressed. "Why do I always have to spoil everything good that happens to me?" He grabbed a handful of his hair… A sharp pain shot through his skull when he pulled harshly, and he savored the pain. He deserved it, he deserved so much more… he always, always, _always_ had to fuck up everything…

"Roxas…" he heard the other occupant of his big, cold room whisper… He _heard_, but he didn't register it properly. He laughed again, and he didn't even notice the hysteric note in his laughter.

"I always have to spoil everything good that happens to me," he repeated, still chuckling hysterically. "I'm always so unsure… I'm always so unsure when it comes to you…" He sniffed, but still the tears didn't fall. Then he giggled again. "I was so _confident_ before I met you, nothing… _nobody_ could ever faze me… b-but now I have t-to think about you all the time, and how everything I do could hurt you, and I…"

He looked up bewildered when gentle hands closed around his own and pulled them away from his face. He was forced down into the cushions by those hands, always so gentle, and they brushed back his hair before they were placed on either side of his face.

Roxas wanted to protest, but the soft smile that was directed at him instantly let the words die on his lips. He looked to the side, watched as long fingers intertwined with his own and as another hand touched his cheek, two fingers curling around his chin, forcing him to look up again.

"Sunshine," Axel cooed, smiling again when Roxas pouted at the use of his nickname. "Did you really mean what you said?"

For a brief moment Roxas wanted to ask what he meant. Then he bit his lip again, gently, so he wouldn't irritate his chapped lower lip. Despite the slight sting, he had to smile. He looked up hesitatingly; emerald eyes were gazing down at him, and the tender smile had never left the other boy's lips.

"M-hm…" Roxas muttered, shyly averting his eyes. "I did."

Axel didn't reply to this; he just sighed, then ran his hand through Roxas' disheveled hair, then leaned down to breathe a gentle kiss on Roxas' cheek.

"You're so sweet," the redhead whispered, then softly pressed his lips against the corner of Roxas' mouth. "I'm sorry."

"For what?" Roxas asked, still smiling, feeling light-headed and relaxed all of sudden…

"For making you worry," Axel answered; again pecking Roxas' bruised lips lightly. "For being an idiot." Another kiss, but this time the redhead's soft lips lingered longer. "For not being able to express myself properly." This time he applied just a bit more pressure, slowly moving his lips on Roxas', making the smaller boy gasp. He smiled again; Roxas could not see it, but he could _feel_ it against his suddenly overly sensitive lips. He raised his hand, the one that wasn't interlaced with Axel's, to touch the other's pale cheek. He could feel Axel's words when the redhead spoke up again. "I'm sorry; I didn't mean that I think _we_ are a mistake. I think…" Warm lips moved to softly nip on the sensitive skin on Roxas' neck, then he whispered into his ear, his warm breath brushing over Roxas' skin and making him shiver. "I think you are the only good thing that ever happened in my fucked up life."

Roxas gasped, trying to object, but the words never came. Instead he sighed and gave in when Axel kissed him again, and he closed his eyes, enjoying the redhead's gentle caresses. He giggled when a warm hand sneaked under his shirt, long fingers dancing over his naked skin and making him shiver. He felt Axel grin against his lips again.

And right then, just when Roxas wanted to return the favor, sliding both of his hands under Axel's shirt, he heard someone opening the door.

"Hey guys, uh, sorry Roxas, I know I'm not allowed in here, but, ehm, Sora said it'd be okay and he's busy making break-" Namine interrupted her nervous babbling, peering through her fingers, her mouth falling open. Roxas and Axel both froze, Axel still on top of Roxas, Roxas' hands under his sweater, his own hand just lifting Roxas', and both of them panting for air after breaking their kiss. Roxas noticed only now they had been kissing fairly long already.

Namine stared at them, obviously still in shock, trying to say something… then she screamed, whirling around and fled the room, banging the door shut again.

"OH, FOR THE LOVE OF _GOD_!!!" they heard her shriek outside the door, and Roxas had to grin, despite the slight uneasiness Naminé's presence in his room had caused. Well… he was sure she hadn't seen too much of the _room_… At least she wouldn't _remember_ too much of it… Axel sat up and pulled his sweater down, chuckling quietly. "WHY CAN'T ANYBODY KEEP THEIR HANDS TO THEMSELVES FOR ONCE? FUCKING CHRIST IN HEAVEN, WHY DOES THIS ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME???"

"Maybe because you don't knock before you enter a room?" Roxas shouted, laughing when Naminé kicked the door angrily. Axel had to muffle his laughter with both hands already, and both boys jumped when Naminé kicked the door again.

"What's wrong?" Roxas heard Kairi ask, and Naminé answered something he didn't understand. Then he heard Kairi laugh out loud, and Naminé shouted at her to shut up… Then he heard a strange scratching sound coming from the closed door, loud wailing and both Kairi's and Naminé's alarmed voices.

"Selphie, _no_!" Kairi yelled exasperatedly.

"Noooooooooo, lemme seeeeeeeee," the brunette screeched loudly, and something heavy seemed to collide with the door. Roxas broke out in giggles again, staring at the door unbelievingly.

"Oh, no, you can't come in!" Axel cheerfully shouted in their direction. "We're both _naked_!"

The banging and fighting and shouting stopped abruptly.

"OH NO, YOU'RE NOT!!!" Naminé then shrieked, sounding downright _hysteric_.

"Oh my God, I think Selphie's having a _seizure_ or something!" Kairi shouted.

"YOU KILLED HER, YOU _JERK_!!" Naminé howled.

"OH GODS _NO_, I'VE NEVER FELT BETTER!" Selphie all but _sang_.

"Oh fantastic, thanks to you guys I'll have to jerk off in the shower, thinking of _all_ the things I wanted to do to Roxas right now!" Axel yelled, grinning from ear to ear and winking at Roxas playfully. Roxas blushed, staring at him wide-eyed, then grabbed a pillow and buried his face in the soft fabric to stifle hysteric laughter bubbling up in his stomach. Axel chuckled quietly when the girls on the other side of the door fell silent for a moment.

"_OH MY GOD!!_" Selphie and Naminé finally screamed at exactly the same time, the brunette ecstatic, and the blonde more on the appalled side.

"Okay, we really didn't need to know that," Kairi added a bit calmer, obviously holding back laughter herself. "You two finish whatever you were doing…"

"OH, HELL YEEEEEEESSSSSSSSS!!" Selphie squealed.

"… but if you want breakfast I'd suggest you hurry up, because Sora won't wait for you if we tell him what's going on here," Kairi finished calmly.

"Are there pancakes?" Axel asked hopefully, and again Roxas laughed into his pillow when he saw the gleeful grin on the redhead's face.

"Of course," Kairi answered, sounding a bit confused.

"Could you bring up the maple syrup then?" Axel continued, now turning his attention to Roxas again. "Or chocolate syrup, if you have some." He licked his lips slowly. "I'd prefer chocolate."

"What?" Now Kairi sounded really nonplussed. "What for?"

"Oh, I have something else in mind for breakfast," Axel answered leisurely, leaning forward and trapping Roxas between his arms again. He grabbed the pillow Roxas was holding onto and flung it aside, smirking at the deep red blush covering Roxas' face. The look in his bright eyes somehow reminded Roxas of a predator eyeing its helpless prey. "Or rather… _someone_ else," he purred just loud enough for the girls outside to hear, emerald eyes glinting mischievously.

Roxas was fairly sure his eyes would fall out of their sockets if he moved his head to the side. They couldn't possibly get any wider than they were now. And his face couldn't possibly get any hotter. Oh, great… and he would _never_ get rid of those mental images again…

"Woah, Selphie, _breathe_!" Kairi hissed behind the door. Axel grinned a bit wider, but his eyes never left Roxas' face. Roxas blinked a few times, then shook his head fiercely, trying to get rid of the mental porn that had suddenly started playing in his head... It seemed to involve him, the red-haired incubus who was currently leaning over him, lots of liquid chocolate and even more naked skin… He blushed even harder and tried to shove Axel away. Rather unsuccessfully. _Of course._

"Stop being stupid," he growled, then grinned and threw his arms around the redhead's neck. "We'd only make a big mess on my sheets. And those are my _favorite_."

"Aw, but now you're being stupid," Axel replied cheekily, nudging Roxas' nose with his own. "We'd make a mess even without chocolate… But with the chocolate it would be a whole lot…" His voice dropped to a husky whisper, but the impish grin never left his lips. "… _messier_."

"Oh, stop that," Roxas replied equally quiet, giggling softly when Axel kissed him again.

"What did he say?" Selphie hissed loud enough for the two boys to hear. Roxas didn't mind her, but concentrated on warm lips gently pressing against his own.

"Shush," Kairi immediately tried to silence her. Roxas didn't mind her as well; instead he parted his lips submissively when the other's tongue started to gently probe the seam between his lips.

"Oh, stop it, you two!" Naminé added surly. "Stop eavesdropping!" Roxas completely ignored her, lost in a fierce tongue-battle he knew he would be all too eager to lose.

"Hey, not everybody is as lucky as you…" Selphie protested, then she yelped. "Ow!" Axel broke the kiss, catching Roxas' lip between his teeth and giving it a playful nip before he let go again, his hand once again sliding over Roxas' neck, which caused Roxas to gasp, and chest, which made Roxas squirm, and abdomen, which caused a low moan to fall from Roxas' parted, swollen lips, and-

"And _you_ two, stop fooling around and come downstairs," Naminé ordered through the door, and Roxas could hear Axel chuckle again. He groaned frustrated, letting go of Axel's shoulders and propped himself on his elbows, peering at the door.

"Yes, Mom," he answered obediently.

"Oh, shut up, you!" she retorted sharply.

"Yes, _Ma'am_!" he retorted sarcastically. Both boys laughed when they heard Naminé growl profanities under her breath.

Roxas heard footsteps moving away from the door, but he didn't dare to look anywhere else but the dark, wooden surface. His heart was beating too fast, he noticed only now… And his face still felt like it was on fire. To add to that, the temperature in the room seemed to have increased a few degrees… _And_ his clothes felt pretty uncomfortable all of sudden…

"Oh, damn… Now I'll really have to jerk off in the shower," Axel suddenly groaned, rolling off Roxas and curling up right next to him for a moment before he sat up, drawing his knees up to his chin. He glanced at Roxas from the corners of his eyes, smirking when he noticed the shocked expression on the smaller one's face. "What? Naminé interrupted us at a bad time. And now I can't stop thinking about…" He grinned, bending over Roxas again, one hand brushing over Roxas' lower abdomen teasingly, his voice dropping to a low whisper. "… Sunshine in chocolate syrup."

Roxas jerked violently, gasping and crawling away from the grinning redhead, speechless, shocked and reacting overall embarrassing. Including some physical reactions he'd rather not think about if he didn't want to embarrass himself even more. He just thanked every god who'd listen to him he had chosen to wear rather baggy clothes after their little escapade the day before when he felt lower parts of his anatomy stir. And he absolutely refused to look at any other part of Axel's body than his face, even though the sly grin he found there, made him feel even _more_ jittery.

"You could take a _cold_ shower, you idiot!" he hissed, only stopping his hasty retreat when he bumped against the headboard of his bed. Axel easily followed him, trapping him between his arms once more, smiling down at him. Roxas' gaze was drawn to his lips; he couldn't help but stare at them, and it took every ounce of willpower not to lean forward and kiss them again. He couldn't let that happen… then it would start all over again; they would have the same fight they had had before…

But then he stopped thinking altogether. Axel leaned forward, his cheek brushing against Roxas', his breath grazing Roxas' sensitive skin and making the fine hairs on the back of his neck stand on end. Roxas' breath came in short, labored gasps; He wanted to shove the redhead away to avoid what he _knew_ would happen now, but he found his hands closing around the sheets underneath him instead, his whole body shaking in anticipation of Axel's touch and his mind unable to find the right, no, to find _any_ words to say.

"I don't _believe_ in cold showers," the redhead purred, and _God_, if one the participants of his wet dreams ever had a voice it would have been this one… Deep and slightly hoarse and sensual, promising and teasing and… "I think there are more… pleasurable ways to get rid of my…" He could _feel_ the other's smirk against his skin, yet he couldn't help the small gasp escaping him. "…_excitement_."

He had just _not_ said that!

"S-Stop it!" Roxas hissed, finally regaining his ability to speak. "The girls are _gone_!"

"Oh, but you're almost as much fun to tease as Nami," Axel replied, and Roxas could feel something warm and wet touching his earlobe. He knew he should be disgusted, because… well, _ew_! Axel had just _licked_ his ear! But on the other hand… _Axel_ had just _licked_ his ear, and that didn't help his current state of arousal one bit.

His whole body screamed at him to stay and continue… whatever they were doing, just to see what would happen… But he knew he had to stop this if he didn't want to repeat what had happened the day before. Just thinking of what had happened helped him to calm down at least a bit, and he closed his eyes and took in a shaky breath, willing his raging feelings to die down.

He forced his hands to let go of the sheets, his eyes still closed, and he slid his hands under the sleeves of Axel's sweater, feeling the rough fabric of the bandages covering the wounds the redhead had inflicted on himself the day before. He closed his hands around thin, bandaged lower arms, feeling Axel flinch and pull back a bit.

Both of them stayed silent for a while, then Axel retreated even further, freeing his arms out of Roxas' weak grip. Roxas kept his eyes closed, but he could hear and feel Axel hesitating, then warm lips brushed over his forehead briefly.

"You're right," Axel whispered, even though Roxas hadn't said anything. "I'm sorry." Roxas didn't dare to open his eyes, but he could hear clothes rustling and the faint creaking of the bed when Axel rose from it, and he could hear soft footsteps departing rather quickly. But he only dared to fully relax when he heard the door open and close again, falling back and resting his head on the headboard, groaning when his movements caused all too familiar, pleasant sensations to jolt through his whole being, starting from his almost painful erection and extenuating every rational thought.

"Fuck!" he swore through gritted teeth, lightly banging his head against the headboard. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, _fuck_!" He made the mistake to move, muffling a loud moan by biting the back of his hand. He slowly opened his eyes, his breathing growing heavier and more uneven.

He carefully examined his room, heaving a relieved sigh when he found no trace of his red-haired, teasing son-of-a-bitch… boyfriend. Who really seemed to have left the room. And who seemed to have gone to the next bathroom… to take a nice… long… shower…

Roxas let a quiet groan slip from his lips again, turning his hand to gently suck on the delicate mesh of veins on the inside of his wrist. His eyes almost closed again against his will; his head was suddenly filled with _images_… images of Axel shedding his clothes, slowly, sensually, revealing his slender, taut body, only for Roxas to see… images of Axel stepping under the spray of hot water, crimson strands of hair immediately sticking to his face and neck, the heat reddening his ivory skin, vivid green eyes closing, thin lips parting, pale cheeks flushed a lovely shade of pink… steam filling the room, the water making the redhead's pale body glisten in the bright light, a low moan escaping from slightly parted lips as slender hands slid over wet, slick skin agonizingly slow… Then those radiant eyes opened again, trapping Roxas in their intense, lascivious gaze, their emerald depths filled with need and lust.

_"There are more… pleasurable ways to get rid of my… excitement,"_ the redhead in his imagination said in the very same throaty, low voice that Axel had used before, smirking at Roxas teasingly. Roxas agreed with him whole-heartedly, barely noticing his own hands ripping his clothes off his own body eagerly.

"I'm so going to _hell_ for this," he whispered to himself before he took care of his own excitement, all the while watching the redhead in his imagination doing the same.

* * *

When he left his own bathroom half an hour later, his hair still dripping wet, finally feeling _clean_ again, he couldn't get rid of the blush tingeing his cheeks. He _still_ couldn't believe he had… thinking of… How _gross_!

And somehow he couldn't get rid of the nagging feeling _everybody_ would _know_ what he had done by just looking at him…

But luckily nobody seemed to even take notice of him sneaking into the kitchen. Everybody was chatting excitedly, some of them were still eating. His gaze was immediately drawn to a certain redhead, who was nibbling on a waffle absent-mindedly, staring into space obviously lost in thought.

Roxas found himself wondering what Axel might be thinking about. He wondered if he… had done… the same as Roxas himself, and if he had thought of Roxas when he had…

"Oi, Roxas! Finally decided to join us, I see!" Hayner shouted through the kitchen, and Roxas cringed when everybody's looks were drawn to him. He _knew_ he was blushing again; he just hoped nobody would notice it.

"What took you so long?" Olette chimed in, grinning up to him from her seat. Kairi, next to her, smirked wickedly.

"Roxas," she greeted him as well, the smirk changing into an innocent, sweet smile. "What do you want for breakfast? Some chocolate syrup?" And back to the smirk. Downright _disturbing_. "On pancakes? Waffles? Or Axel's chest, maybe?"

Many things happened at the same time as soon as she had said that. Pence's mouth fell open, the piece of pancake he had been chewing on, dropped back onto his plate; Sora dropped a plate, staring at his twin appalled; Hayner's stool toppled over, sending the blond boy to the floor; Riku choked on his food, coughing violently and gasping for air, his pale face changing color from white to almost blue; Olette nearly choked as well, spluttering her coffee all over her plate, barely missing Kairi's; Naminé let her head drop onto the table, groaning loudly; Demyx and Zexion both broke out in hysterical laughter. And _that_ was probably what disturbed Roxas the most, even though both of them tried to stifle the amused sounds rather quickly. Wow. He had never seen Zexion laugh like that...

Axel only chuckled quietly, grinning while resuming nibbling on his breakfast. He glanced at Roxas, who rolled his eyes.

"You're mixing up some things there, Kairi," he snorted, walking over to the free seat next to Axel. "_Axel_ is the one with a liking for chocolate syrup."

"Only if I can have some Sunshine with my chocolate, though," Axel added cheerfully.

"I'd rather have my Pyro with some whipped cream, thank you very much," Roxas continued smugly, kissing Axel's suddenly flushed cheek before sitting down next to him, rather pleased with himself when he noticed the baffled looks on both Axel's and Kairi's faces. He grinned when Kairi slowly raised a hand to cover her nose, her look suddenly showing the same dreamy quality Selphie's always had when she watched gay couples.

"What a shame, I think Demyx just had the last whipped cream," Zexion chuckled. Demyx next to him broke out in giggles again, wiping his sea-green eyes. He shrugged and grinned apologetically.

"That's alright, I feel pretty… _satisfied_ right now anyway," Roxas replied, now smirking himself, winking at Kairi, who slowly but surely turned beet red.

"Oh, _really_," Sora chimed in, now grinning himself. "I could always make more…"

"Ooooooooooh, stop it!" Naminé groaned. "That's gross!"

"Awwww, come on, Nami," Axel laughed and pulled the small blonde into a one-armed hug, ignoring her obvious discomfort. "Don't be like that!"

"Yes, don't act like you didn't already think about drawing that!" Hayner shouted, laughing along with Demyx and Zexion now. Naminé chucked a pancake at him, hitting him square in the face. He only fuelled her anger by thanking her, still laughing, and starting to eat it.

"Where's Selphie? And Tidus, and Wakka?" Roxas asked, finally realizing he had surprisingly not been tackled by an over-excited brunette fanclub-president yet.

"Wakka gave Tidus and Selphie a ride home," Olette answered, grinning cheerfully. "Selphie was pretty _excited_ after your verbal exchange upstairs."

"Yeah, Tidu-widu will be pretty thankful for you two acting so _gay_ around Selph all the time," Hayner added, winking at him and taking another bite from his Naminé-sponsored pancake.

"Oh, how _rude_," Axel chirped, fluttering his feminine eyelashes.

"Yeah, we don't _act_ gay around her," Roxas protested, acting offended. "That's just how we _are_!" He grinned and turned to look at Axel. "Right, Sweetheart?"

"Oh Roxieeeeee, Hayner is so meeeeeeean," Axel wailed, sniffing and jutting out his lower lip in an adorable pout. "Why does he always have to insult us for showing _affection_ for each other? That doesn't make us _gay_!"

"I know, Baby, I know," Roxas cooed, laughter tearing him apart inwardly. He was really proud of himself for keeping his voice so calm. He petted damp red spikes soothingly. "He didn't want to hurt your feelings."

"Oh, I…" Axel blinked as if he wanted to suppress tears, fanning himself with one hand in the most theatrical way possible and taking in a deep breath as if to calm himself down. "I know my emotions sometimes get the best of me, but I…" He broke off, closing his eyes briefly and feigning a small sob. "I _really_ try to act more _masculine_, but I _can't help_ being so _sensitive_…"

"Why do you _always_ have to over-exaggerate _everything_ like that, Drama Queen?" Riku sighed, taking another sip from his juice to calm down his offended throat. "And you two sucking faces in public _does_ make you gay."

"Oh Riku, how _could_ you?" Axel immediately shrieked, flinging his arms around Roxas' neck and hiding his face in the smaller boy's shoulder, acting as if he was crying. Roxas chuckled and petted his hair again, giggling when he felt the redhead biting his exposed skin gently.

"Stop that," he said, trying to shove Axel away. "You already had breakfast."

"But there is still some chocolate syrup left…" Axel started, smiling innocently, but stopped himself when Naminé let out a frustrated scream over the others' laughing.

"If _anybody_ dares to even _imply_ another sexual joke, I'll… I'll… Oh, you _don't_ want to know _what_ I will do to them then!" the blonde threatened, her blue eyes positively _blazing_ with fury.

Needless to say, the rest of the breakfast was spent in absolute silence.

* * *

Naminé, Kairi, Olette, Hayner and Pence left soon afterwards, the blonde artist still uncharacteristically sulky and moody. She _did_ apologize to Roxas and Axel for yelling at them though, blushing heavily when she did. To Roxas' surprise Axel refrained from teasing her, apologizing himself for acting so immature before.

Demyx and Zexion left soon after them; Demyx had been rather absentminded for a while, softly humming to himself while playing with his food. When Sora worriedly asked him if he wasn't feeling well Demyx just laughed, writing a short note to him, explaining he felt better than he had for a while now; he just wanted to go home to write down this idea for a song he had.

When Demyx and Zexion were gone, Axel and Riku exchanged a meaningful look; then both of them smiled.

"He's getting better," Axel whispered, still smiling fondly.

"So it seems," Riku agreed quietly. "He hasn't written anything in ages."

"Demyx writes his own songs?" Sora asked surprised while clearing the table.

"Of course," Axel answered thoughtfully, tilting his head back to look up to the ceiling. "Had even two or three of them recorded, back in Hollow Bastion…"

"Three," Riku clarified. "The ones where he used Zexion's poems as lyrics."

"Oh, yeah." Axel grinned. "He recorded all the instruments himself, didn't he?"

"How many instruments were there to record?" Roxas asked, standing up to help his twin. Riku and Axel also rose from their seats, collecting the dishes and handing them over.

"Eight… or nine different ones," Axel answered, chuckling at the twins' unbelieving stares. "Well, at least two or three guitars, bass, drums, keyboard each song. In one of the songs he played harp as well… and in another one he had three violins. I think there was a flute in one of them as well. Xylophone… oh, and accordion. Did I forget anything?"

"The Theremin," Riku immediately answered, now grinning himself. Another plate slipped from Sora's hands; sharing the fate of the one he had dropped during the discussion that had taken place earlier.

"Wow," Roxas breathed stunned. "Those are _many_…"

"And of course his voice is an instrument itself," Axel added cheerfully, picking up the remnants of the plate. He threw the porcelain shards in the trash, sighing softly. "I really miss his singing." His voice had an almost longing quality to it when he said it; and the tender smile on his handsome face didn't make it better. It was a smile Roxas had only seen directed at him yet, but now it _wasn't_ directed at him. And that _hurt_. "He was so gorgeous when he sang…"

Roxas tried to hide it, but the sudden pang of anger and jealousy seemed to have shown on his face. He caught Riku glancing at him and looked away quickly, trying to force a smile on his face. He _knew_ it wasn't meant like that; he _knew_ Axel didn't feel for Demyx _this_ way anymore.

… or did he?

"Wrong thing to say, Pyro," Riku sneered, frowning at the redhead. Axel didn't seem to understand at first, blinking back at the silver haired teen confused; then his eyes widened, and he immediately reached out to grab Roxas' hand. Roxas' first instinct was to pull his hand away, to run away and hide in his room again, and to avoid getting hurt. But instead he took a deep breath, curling his fingers around Axel's slender ones, staring at their linked hands while trying to push the irrational jealousy to the back of his consciousness.

"Sunshine, I…" Axel started, but fell silent when Roxas looked up to him, returning the look slightly startled.

"I know," Roxas sighed, closing his eyes for a brief moment. "You're sorry; you didn't mean it like I thought; I'm overreacting, and you're sorry again. Could we go straight to the part where you kiss me to calm me down?"

He heard Riku whisper something to Sora. Sora giggled softly, and Roxas could see him nodding from the corners of his eyes.

Axel blinked at Roxas dumbfounded, and then he hid a quiet chuckle in his hand, bright eyes sparkling with amusement. He pulled Roxas closer, laying an arm around his waist and leaning down to kiss him, soft and gentle.

"I'm still sorry," he whispered smiling. "I'm just happy he seems to finally get better again. Do you understand that?"

"Of course I do," Roxas replied, smiling himself, even though he suddenly felt so _tired_… so _drained_… He laid his arms around the redhead's neck, to make sure he wouldn't go away. "I guess I should have warned you beforehand… I don't like it if you direct words such as 'gorgeous' at people other than me."

"Jealous much?" Axel chuckled, then lifted Roxas up to place him on the kitchen counter, much like the evening before. Roxas glanced at Riku and Sora briefly, blushing lightly, but was soon distracted by warm hands combing through his hair and turning his head so he had to look at Axel again. He closed his eyes right before Axel's lips met his in another tender kiss.

"Oh, get a room," Riku snorted without even looking at them.

"Leave them alone, Riku," Sora said smiling. "You're happy Axel is feeling better as well, admit it."

"I deny ever having said that," Riku replied grinning. Axel and Roxas looked at them, and Roxas was rather surprised to see the expression on Riku's face grow sadder. "And it seems like I was wrong anyway," the silver haired teen added, throwing Axel a dark look. "Your arms?"

Roxas could feel the arms around him tighten uncomfortably, and Axel's head jerked around so quickly his brightly colored hair almost whipped Roxas' face.

"I'm fine," Axel growled, and Roxas could now feel the redhead's trembling hands curl around the fabric of his shirt. "_Stop_ that!"

"Stop what? Worrying about you?" Riku retorted sharply, glaring at him. Roxas could tell the two boys often argued like this; he could see it in the tired expression in Riku's aquamarine eyes, and in the almost _defeated_ way Axel hung his head.

"Stop acting like I'm _suicidal_!" Axel hissed, still not looking up.

Somehow Roxas felt pretty out of place now. He would have left the room had he not been held in place by Axel's long arms. He glanced over to his twin, who seemed to take great interest in scrubbing the dirty dishes in the soapy water, his blue eyes fixed at his hands doing the work, blushing lightly. He seemed just as uncomfortable as Roxas felt.

"Stop acting like you _are_!" Riku shouted angrily, slapping his flat hand on the counter. "Why won't you let anybody _help_ you?"

"I don't _need_ help!" Axel yelled back, his grip on Roxas finally loosening as he tried to march over to the silver haired teen, his face a mask of anger.

"Axel…" Roxas whispered and grabbed the redhead's arm to hold him back. Axel flinched violently, turning around to look at Roxas, his eyes wide and his mouth falling open. He suddenly paled visibly; it seemed like he had forgotten all about Roxas and Sora. Roxas felt miserable and strangely guilty, but he didn't let go of the other's trembling limb.

"M-Maybe… maybe you _do_," he stammered, fighting the urge to avert his gaze. "Maybe you should… let somebody help you."

"Sunshine…" Axel started, his voice shaking even worse than before; Roxas answered by pulling him closer and hugging him, feeling the slight trembling of his shoulders and stroking them lightly, trying to soothe the tension in the redhead's body.

"I know you don't want anybody to worry about you," he said, resting his head on Axel's lean shoulder and biting his lip when he felt the other's labored breathing in his hair. "But they already _do_. They can _see_ you struggle against your memories. They _know_ you have those flashbacks. They are your friends. Let them help."

"But I…"

"It's not only about you, you know," Roxas continued, ignoring Axel's weak protest. "How should they get better if they always have to worry about you as well?"

"But I don't _want_ them to worry about me!" Axel hissed, pressing his trembling lips together and closing his eyes with a soft sigh.

"I don't want you to worry about me as well," Roxas replied gently, smiling at him when the redhead opened one eye again. "But you do it anyway. You told me a few days ago, remember?" Roxas smiled when Axel nodded slowly, chewing on his lower lip while he continued to stare at Roxas thoughtfully. "So I try to tell you what's wrong with me, so you can help me get better. And I really don't like talking about my problems. You know that. But I thought… you could… try to do the same?"

Now he couldn't stand looking at the redhead anymore; he felt so unbearably _guilty_ for interfering. It really was none of his business. He hadn't been exactly honest. He _hadn't_ told Axel why he had acted so strange. He really had no right telling Axel to admit he needed help.

He looked at his hands, nervously playing with his wristband. For a while it was eerily quiet in the kitchen; the only thing Roxas could hear was Axel's strained breathing.

"He's right, you know?" Riku finally whispered into the silence. He didn't seem angry anymore; just tired and sad. "We can't help being worried. And you're not making it easier by lying to us." He sighed deeply. "Demyx is always scared you could do something stupid when you're alone. That you could try again to… to…" He broke off, suddenly sitting down on one of the chairs and holding his head with both of his hands, aqua eyes trained on the floor.

Roxas let go of Axel now; the redhead didn't even seem to notice. He was looking down at Riku, his gaze softening visibly at the other boy's obvious distress.

"Do you even think about what would happen to… to Demyx and Zexion if you weren't there anymore?" Riku suddenly spoke up again, without taking his eyes off the cream colored tiles. "I… I could never look out for them like you do. I'm not _strong_ enough to be there for them."

"Riku…" Axel sank to his knees in front of Riku. When the other one looked up, Roxas could see tears in his eyes; yet Riku seemed determined not to let them fall. Somehow Roxas doubted Riku was only talking about Demyx and Zexion.

"You always were there to look out for us," Riku whispered shakily, his bright eyes narrowing. "Do you know how devastated Demyx would be if you weren't there anymore? Don't you remember… don't you remember how devastated he was when… when I found you… almost…"

"I know," Axel replied unusually gentle, returning Riku's look calmly. "I'm sorry."

Roxas exchanged another meaningful look with his brother, who shook his head sadly. It really sounded like Axel had tried to kill himself once. But who could blame him? He had been through so much. He had to have been at the end of his tether to do something this drastic; to actually consider leaving his friends alone in a situation like this.

But now he seemed so calm, and he returned Riku's look unflinching. Roxas was sure Axel would not do something stupid like trying to commit suicide again. Well… what he had done the night before with his arms hadn't been… serious, Roxas was sure of it. He had just been very upset.

"You… you can't…" Riku muttered, but stopped surprised when Axel laid a hand over his mouth.

"I won't," Axel interrupted him and pulled his hand away again. Roxas thought he saw a small smile lighting up Riku's features, but it was gone so quickly that he couldn't be sure.

"And you'll let us help you?" he asked sternly.

"I'll… try," Axel answered softly. He glanced back at Roxas, who slowly slid from the counter, leaning against it while watching them. "I… I will talk to Aerith as soon as we're home. Alright?"

This time Roxas was sure about the smile, even though it was gone pretty fast again.

"Fine. About time, Pyro," Riku huffed, trying to wipe his eyes without anybody noticing.

"Oh, no need to get all mushy about it, Pretty Boy," Axel replied, rolling his eyes.

"Asshole," Riku chuckled.

"Shithead," Axel countered, now smirking himself as he stood up again, brushing non-existent dirt from his pants. "Come on, we should help Sora cleaning up…"

"All done," Sora chimed in, busy drying the last dishes. He just wanted to put them away when Roxas noticed Riku's expression changing. And he was staring at Sora's hands…

"Sora…" Riku said slowly, rising from his seat and grabbing Sora's wrist. "Did you leave your _gloves_ on when you did the dishes?"

Sora stared at him confused at first; of course he was still wearing his gloves, now soaked with soapy water. The chocolate haired twin hastily put the dishes into the cupboard before slamming it shut, and suddenly he paled, blue eyes wide. But when he turned around to look at Riku, his usual happy grin lightened up his face once more.

"Oh, I…" Sora laughed, but in Roxas' ears it sounded rather forced. But of course he was Sora's twin; he always noticed things like that. He thought Sora did a good job hiding his surprise. "I… Oh, look at that, I completely forgot to take them off… I'll… just get a new pair, okay? Be right back!"

He ripped his hand from Riku's, dashing out the room, the cheerful smile leaving his face as soon as he had turned away from Riku. Both the silver haired teen and Axel stared after him, frowning confused.

"Wait, I'll help you search," Roxas called out and followed his twin, offering the other two boys a quick "Just a minute!" before he left the kitchen as well.

He found Sora in his room of course; Sora flinched when Roxas opened the door, staring at him, his eyes wide and scared and his face even paler than before. He looked close to passing out, sitting on his bed while rummaging through the drawer next to it.

"R-Roxy, could you…" he gasped, and Roxas immediately closed the door behind him, turning the key once.

He cautiously stepped closer, laying a hand on Sora's trembling shoulder. Sora winced at the gentle touch, again searching his drawer, pulling out a new pair of his trademark fingerless gloves.

"Sora, calm down," Roxas said quietly, but Sora just threw the gloves onto his bed and tried to peel the wet ones from his badly trembling hands.

"W-Why did h-he even notice it?" he asked, his voice sounding strangely high and shaky. "He shouldn't n-notice…"

"It's alright, Sora," Roxas tried to calm him down, taking his hands and holding them gently. Sora was still shaking, and his fingers closed almost painfully tight around Roxas'. Roxas squeezed his brother's hands gently, and then helped Sora to peel the drenched black and yellow fabric from his hands.

"Do… do you think… he…" Sora stuttered, flexing his fingers uncomfortably. Roxas took one of his hands again, sadly examining his brother's palm.

"No, I don't think he suspects anything," he answered while his eyes wandered over the scars all over Sora's otherwise perfect hands. The scars were deep and ugly and contrasted with the rosy skin surrounding them. He could almost see the blood pouring from the deep cuts that had caused those scars again; he could almost smell the metallic stench of blood in the air. Sora had cried back then as well, just like he did now.

"Should I tell them to go home?" he asked cautiously, letting go of Sora's hand to let his brother cover the long healed welts on his palms again.

"No," Sora answered, plucking at the new gloves nervously. But he seemed to calm down quickly, now that his hands were safely hidden again. "That would only be even more suspicious."

Roxas wanted to disagree, but Sora didn't seem to listen anymore. He jumped off the bed and raced to the door again, fighting to keep the tears out of his eyes and the smile on his face. Roxas followed him downstairs.

The very moment he re-entered the kitchen he _knew_ he had been wrong. Riku _did_ suspect something. Roxas could see it in the way aquamarine eyes immediately darted to Sora's hands, and in the small frown on his face. And Sora _knew_ that Riku suspected something, judging the way his smile grew more strained by the second.

Well, shit.

Roxas didn't know what to do. Sora was obviously not ready to tell Riku about… that. And Riku himself seemed unsure about asking about it… Well, understandable after all the things that had happened the day before.

"We better get going," Axel suddenly broke the silence, obviously trying to ignore the tension suddenly filling the room. His green eyes searched for Roxas, who smiled at him relieved.

Riku seemed unsure how to reply to that. He opened his mouth and closed it again, his eyes wandering from Sora to Axel and back to Sora again. He furrowed his brow, biting his lower lip. "But…"

"Oh, I see," Axel grunted and heaved himself out of his seat. "First you bug me about talking to Aerith and then you tell me it's not important anymore?"

"I didn't say _that_," Riku protested, narrowing his eyes at Axel. The redhead didn't even blink. And even though Roxas wasn't _quite_ sure about it he thought he could see the tiniest bit of relief in those aquamarine eyes.

"Good, because we're going home now." Axel grabbed Riku's arm, dragging him along. When he reached the twins he let go of the other one again, leaning down to gently kiss Roxas goodbye.

"You don't have to do this right now, you know?" Roxas whispered into his ear before they parted again, feeling Axel hesitate for a second. Then the redhead kissed his nose grinning.

"No, but I _should_. Or else I'll try to find a way to back out of it again," he whispered just as quietly. He kissed Roxas once more. "See you tomorrow?"

"Sure." Roxas smiled as well.

"We… pick you up again? Tomorrow?" Riku asked hesitatingly, watching Sora fidgeting with his new gloves. Sora didn't dare to look up, just nodded silently. He didn't even look up when Riku kissed his forehead gently. He didn't look up when Riku left with Axel. He just stood there, staring at his hands, his eyes and face blank.

"Sora?" Roxas asked, reaching out for his twin.

"I know," Sora replied to his unspoken question sullenly, and out of the blue he started to snicker mirthlessly, hiding his miserable grin with one gloved hand. "I'm being pretty hypocritical, aren't I? Forcing you to tell the guy you love your darkest secrets when I'm not even able to show the one I l-.. like my fucking _hands_!"

"I didn't know that you hadn't shown him yet," Roxas said quietly.

"Oh come on, how could I? What should I tell him how I got those scars?" Sora sighed, this strange, eerie grin never leaving his face.

"The truth," Roxas replied, trying to grab Sora's hand. Sora turned away from him.

"Oh, suuuuuuure," he chuckled, examining his hands closer. "'Oh, I just took a knife and cut my hands open…'"

"That's not how it was," Roxas retorted stiffly.

"That's _exactly_ how it was," Sora stated coldly.

"It wasn't your fault," Roxas insisted stubbornly.

"Who else's would it have been?" Sora hissed, glaring at Roxas. "_I_ was the one holding the knife. _I_ was the one cutting my hands. There was no one else." He turned around before Roxas could reply to that. "I'm outta here. I'll go swimming." And without another word he was gone.

* * *

Roxas stayed up until half past two in the morning, waiting for Sora to return. He sat in one of the three living rooms, watching TV with the sound turned mute, looking at the fast changing, brightly colored scenes flickering over the screen without registering them. He had searched the beach, and then the house, hoping Sora would have been back already. He had searched at their usual spots; the ice-cream parlor, the park, the cinema, the hill behind the paopu forest, the _whole fucking island_, and then the house once more. He had called all of their friends, save for Riku, asking if they had seen Sora. No one had. And slowly but surely Roxas grew scared. Sure, Sora went out without him quite often; Roxas knew Sora still liked to spend time on their old play island, all by himself. But today he had been upset when he had left. Plus, he had never spent the night on the play island before. Usually he came home right after the sun had set, because he knew Roxas didn't like being left alone in their home.

Roxas sighed and turned the TV off, the flickering, bluish light giving way to shadows and starlight. He looked out of the window, trying to make out his brother's silhouette against the dark flower garden. There was no movement at all, not even the flowers swayed in a gentle breeze. Everything seemed lifeless and still.

He rose from his seat, ignoring the shadows creeping closer. He knew he was home alone right now, yet he couldn't spare even the slightest sliver of his mind to feel uncomfortable about it.

Sora hadn't been so upset about his scars for a long time. And somehow Roxas had assumed his brother had gotten over them some time ago. Seemed like he had been wrong.

_"Stupid hands!__ Why can't they do what I want for once?"_

_"Roxy… It hurts…"_

It was a child's voice reverberating from the shadows. A child no older than five, sitting in the kitchen, crying over his bleeding hands with a blood-coated knife lying on the floor next to him.

"Sora," Roxas sighed, opening the glass door and stepping out into the dark flower garden. "You won't do anything stupid, will you?"

"Course not," a tired reply was muttered from behind the white roses. Roxas frowned, quite surprised but not as startled as he thought he would be. Somehow he had already suspected that his brother would be back.

"How long have you been sitting there already?" he asked into the darkness, walking over to the source of the voice. Sora was sitting on the stone table, looking out to the beach, hands tightly clasped together. Roxas couldn't see him properly; the dim light of the stars was not sufficient to light up the garden, and the moon was a barely visible crescent against the black velvet of the night sky. Yet Roxas could _feel_ his twin's shoulders were sagged and his lips set in a tight, angry line, and he _knew_ Sora was plucking at his gloves.

"I wanted to wait until you went to sleep," Sora answered, his voice sounding dull and slightly hoarse.

"You know I can't sleep when I'm alone," Roxas retorted sharper than he had intended. Sora stayed still for a moment. Then he sighed deeply.

"Right," he said quietly. "Sorry."

"No, don't be," Roxas said equally gentle, sitting down on the table next to his brother. "I wasn't really tired anyway."

"You were worried about me?"

"Of course."

"Sorry."

They fell silent again, listening to the waves down at the beach. No other sound was heard, until distant bells chimed two o'clock.

"Why do you think Riku would mind your hands?" Roxas asked, not really expecting an answer.

"Why do you think Axel would mind your experiments?" Sora countered, drawing his knees up to his chin and hugging them close to his body.

"That's not the same," Roxas hissed, but then he sighed again, shivering when suddenly a stiff breeze ruffled his hair and clothes.

"No. I guess not," Sora admitted, and Roxas could hear a soft smile in his voice. "I guess I'm just a coward." Roxas already wanted to answer, but a gentle hand was laid over his mouth, cutting him off. "No, don't. I know what you want to say. You're wrong, and I _am_ a coward when it comes to… _this_." Another tired sigh escaped Sora's lips. "You… you don't have to keep your promise. I have no right to force you to tell Axel about your experiments. I'm sorry I tried to make you do it. You don't have to."

"Yes, I _do_," Roxas replied, pulling his brother's hand away from his face. "I won't break another promise to you. I've broken too many in the past."

"But you don't…"

"I _will_ tell him. I _have_ to. It's wrong to keep it from him."

Again they fell silent. Roxas finally slid from the table, grabbing Sora's hand. "We've gotta go to bed. They are gonna pick us up soon." Sora hesitated for a second. But then he heaved another deep sigh, and followed his brother inside without further protest.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Yeah well. I know, there is no excuse as to why this took so _long_. I mean, there's not even TEH CONFESSION in it, right? Good thing I already have finished the next chapter as well already... just needs to be beta'd still, and then you'll get the fucking confession. And you won't be happy about it!

But yeah, I really don't _have _an excuse. I guess you could say I was in a slump the last few months. The biggest part of this chapter (as well as the finished next one and about half of the one after that) were pretty much written in the last two weeks or so. If it feels a bit rushed, this might be the cause; if it's not as good as you probably hoped it would be I'm sorry, but I hope you still like it.

Hm... what can I say? Please, if you have anything to say about it, review! Just don't tell me I took too long to update, I know that myself, and I'm very sorry about it, believe me. I'll try to update faster again.

Eh... thanks for being so understanding? OTL


	22. Chapter 21

**Summary:** His life had always been perfect, or at least so Roxas had liked to think. But overcoming his own fears for someone else isn't as easy as it seems. When both his own and his lover's past threatens their unstable relationship, Roxas has to face the truth: His life was far from perfect. But at least it was better than Axel's.

**Warnings:** TEH CONFESSION! O.O BWAH!

**Pairings:** AkuRoku main, RikuxSora, ZexionxDemyx side pairings. Possible LeonxCloud later on. Much, much later though.

**Disclaimer:** Do I really have to do this? I think _not._

**Chapter Dedication:** My dear **Kuraieshi, kotilo and Riku-Stalker**, who didn't give up on me in my months of absence...

**Thanks to:** I still can't believe I didn't forget anyone last time... Ehem. But! There are some new reviewers again! Thank you **AllyIsSpecial, Ashley Porter, auPHE, black secret, ChibiNeko616, Darknessmiko, Darkrose Dragonkin, Kirah Ruth, LiisuT, Lockets and Beads, MrSpoonLovesYou, The Goddess Azure Thunder, TsuchiNoOkamiHime.**

And of course everyone else who reviewed! Oh, what would I do without you guys?

But now: On with the story!

* * *

**Perfect Match - Chapter 21**

Roxas stayed in his brother's room again. Neither of the twins slept well; Sora kept tracing the scars on his left hand while staring at it in the darkness; Roxas tried to think of a way to tell Axel what he had to tell him without chasing him away. Both of them finally fell asleep when the first stars had already faded and gave way to the silver light of dawn. Both of them woke up at the same time, only a few hours later, half an hour before their alarms went off. Both of them went to their respective bathrooms without saying a word. Both of them weren't able to force anything but black coffee down their throats. Both of them were unusually pale. Two pairs of hands were clasped tightly around their mugs, shaking slightly. Both of them jumped when the door bell announced the arrival of their boyfriends. Both of them forced faked smiles on their faces, rising from their seats without looking at each other, lost in their own little worlds.

Their greetings were rather awkward; both of the twins didn't dare to look their counterpart in the eye. Axel and Riku seemed not too keen on talking either. They walked to school in silence.

But when they were walking through the park, Riku suddenly held Sora back. Roxas wanted to turn around and ask what was wrong, but Axel grabbed his hand and dragged him away, leaving the park in a hurry.

"They have to talk," the redhead said quietly. "Give them a few minutes."

Roxas just nodded, slowly lacing his cold fingers with Axel's. They had to talk as well, but Roxas couldn't bring himself to do it. It was neither the right time, nor the right place. Roxas didn't even know if there _was_ something like 'the right time and place', but it certainly wasn't there and then.

"Sunshine?" Axel bent down to look him straight in the eye, worry shining in his bright eyes. "You okay?"

"Didn't sleep well," Roxas admitted, shrugging it off. "Sora was gone for half of the night. I was… worried."

Axel nodded, reaching for his back pocket to pull out a cigarette, lighting it up and taking a deep drag, watching the white smoke dissolve when he let it escape from his lips slowly.

"You know…" he said while putting his lighter away, "… sometimes I wonder if I would ever have been as close to my sister as you two are." Roxas blinked at him blankly, and the redhead smiled sadly. "Probably not, seeing as you two are twins. Still…"

"You… have a sister?" Roxas asked, trying to comprehend what he had just heard.

… A _sister_?

That… had to have been the first time Axel had talked about his family…

"_Had_," Axel corrected him surprisingly calm. "We… were just returning from the hospital. My parents didn't even have a name for her yet. She was barely a few hours old when the other car hit us."

Roxas could feel every last bit of color draining from his face.

"That's… that's horrible!" he spluttered without thinking, barely containing a small gasp.

"The other driver was just on his way _to_ the hospital," Axel continued, seemingly unfazed by Roxas' reaction, still watching white tendrils of smoke rising to the sky. He leaned against the wall surrounding the small park, waiting for Riku and Sora to finish their conversation. "His wife was in labor. They were having a baby as well. The woman and I were the only ones who survived. She lost the baby in the hospital." He took another drag. "I heard she killed herself some time later."

"Why are you telling me this?" Roxas whispered terrified, fighting the tears welling up in his already burning eyes. How could he ever have thought life had been cruel to _him_?

"Because I know I can trust you," Axel answered, making Roxas feel even _worse_. Roxas almost choked on the guilt suddenly restricting his throat; he couldn't breathe, only utter a soft sob, turning away from Axel, clamping a hand over his mouth and squeezing his eyes shut. But soon long arms pulled him back against a warm body, and he felt Axel kiss his temple softly.

"I told the police my sister's name was Ariel," Axel whispered into his ear. "That's the name I wanted my parents to give her. They put the name on her gravestone. I was always happy when I visited her grave, because I thought she at least had a name in heaven."

"S-Stop…" Roxas sobbed, breaking free from Axel's embrace and falling to his knees, no longer able to support his own weight. Axel followed him quickly, again putting his arms around Roxas' shoulders from behind. Roxas tried to crawl away from him, but all of his strength suddenly left his whole body. He slumped against Axel, hiding his face in his hands while he cried.

"I talked to Aerith yesterday," Axel said quietly, kissing Roxas' neck just beneath his hairline. "She… she said… Hm…" He sighed softly, resting his cheek against the back of Roxas' head. "_Apparently_ I have some trust issues. I didn't feel very comfortable talking to her. I don't feel comfortable talking to anybody about certain… things. I never had proper psychological treatment as a child, after my parents and my sister had died; I was just shunted off to the orphanage. Aerith said that this may be the reason why I can't talk about Riku's brothers as well."

"Why are you telling me that?" Roxas whimpered helplessly. He didn't understand it. He had done nothing to gain the redhead's trust. No, he had just been difficult and scared and had refused to tell Axel anything about his own past. And yet Axel said he _trusted_ him. It didn't make _sense_!

"Because I feel like I could tell you _everything_," Axel replied, hugging him a bit closer. "The memories are not as bad when I tell you about them."

"Y-You sh-shouldn't trust me so much!" Roxas shouted and tried to get away from the other boy again, struggling against his firm grip weakly. It was futile, but he tried again and again.

"But I do," Axel answered tenderly, ignoring Roxas' weak attempts at breaking free. "My heart tells me it is alright to tell you. I never felt like this around anybody else. Not even Demy or Zexion or Riku know anything about Ariel. I was never able to tell them…"

"You don't know me!" Roxas screamed, unconsciously repeating the same words Axel had thrown at him when Roxas had told him he loved him.

"I know enough," Axel said calmly. "I know I don't feel uncomfortable telling you about her. I trust you."

Roxas wanted to protest again, he wanted to yell and scream and rage, he wanted to tell Axel that he should never, _never_ trust _him_, because he was a cheating, lying monster, but his voice failed him along with his body. He weakly clung to the arms around his shoulders, crying and sobbing and squeezing his eyes and mouth shut to keep the tears and the sobs inside.

"I'm… so sorry," he finally managed to gasp, opening his eyes again and looking up to the sky. Not even the tiniest cloud was marring its blue perfection.

"I know," Axel whispered, resting his forehead on Roxas' shoulder. "Thank you."

Roxas closed his eyes again. Of course Axel had taken it wrongly. He was not _only_ sorry about Axel's sister. Of course a part of him was. What Axel had just told him was probably the most horrible thing he had ever heard. But… most of all he was sorry for not being worthy of Axel's trust. He was sorry for all his lies. He was sorry for not being able to be the person Axel needed. He wasn't _Sunshine_. He was a cheater. He was a _liar_.

"We have to go," Axel said after a while, moving to stand up again. "We can't wait for Riku and Sora. We have to get Demyx for Math."

"Okay," Roxas whispered brokenly, taking the hand Axel offered him to help him stand up. And as much as he wanted to, he couldn't let go of the warm hand holding his, until they had reached the school.

* * *

It surprised him how well he was able to follow the lessons. Even though he _should_ have been in an inner turmoil the whole time, he wasn't able to feel anything. He was empty; he felt _drained_. He smiled, he answered when people asked him questions, and he laughed along with his friends when they talked about the weekend.

Sora and Riku were late for their first classes, but at least talking seemed to have worked for them. They were still acting rather careful around each other, but Roxas caught them stealing glances at each other quite often, and he saw them smile every time their eyes met.

He asked his brother if he had told Riku about what had happened to his hands during one of their shared classes. Sora just shook his head 'no', but he smiled when he did. Roxas didn't pry further. Sora seemed to be okay, and everything else was irrelevant.

During their lunch break, Roxas even remembered to ask Axel if he could borrow his Geography book, because he had left his own at home. Axel gave him the code for his locker, telling Roxas to get it whenever he wanted. Roxas thanked him, laughing when Axel kissed him goodbye before he had to go to his own class. He laughed, even though he died a little inside.

And then he found the folder.

It was in Axel's locker; it was big; it was filled with hundreds of pages; and it was a light, pastel green color, so Roxas knew it couldn't be Axel's. Axel didn't like pastel colors like this one. He had told Roxas once.

Axel didn't like pastel colors. The folder couldn't be his.

Roxas pulled it out with shaking, sweaty hands. He noticed a letter attached to the folder; it was pink, and the combination of those two colors hurt his eyes.

His eyes scanned the pink sheet of paper, taking in the neat handwriting. It took him some time until his brain registered the information. Then he crushed the letter in his hand.

His hands stuffed the letter into his bag along with the folder; then he grabbed the book he had come for, slamming the locker shut, staring at the blank surface for a moment before he hurried to get to his last class on time.

He read the letter again and again, careful not to let anybody see it. From time to time his gaze was drawn to the light green folder in his bag, and every time he looked at it he felt a bit colder.

Not only had he stolen it, no, he had stolen it from his boyfriend's locker, his boyfriend who trusted him so much he had told him about the dead sister no one else knew about… He had betrayed this trust…

In the back of his mind something started to stir. It was familiar and dark and terrible; the void promised him to get rid of the guilt, to keep all his promises… The void told him to get rid of the folder and enjoy his time with Axel as long as possible. It promised to keep his feelings at bay; it told him to… told him to… to take advantage of the trust his beloved had placed in him…

"Watcha readin', kiddo?" a gruff voice suddenly exclaimed right in front of his desk. Roxas winced and looked up, staring at his teacher, who frowned down at him expectantly.

"Nothing… Sir," he whispered, slowly stuffing the pink piece of paper back into his bag. The void flinched back and died down.

"Looks like a damn _pink_ 'nuthin'," Mr. Highwind retorted, smirking around his ever-present toothpick. "My, didya get a letter from a poor, lovesick girl?" He didn't even wait for Roxas' answer, before letting out a bark of laughter, turning around and returning to the front of the class. "Poor thing! Yer seem awfully friendly with that red-haired lad, what was his friggin' name? Kouen?"

"Yes, sir…" Roxas answered quietly, clasping his hands together under his table, his eyes fixed on the open book.

"Well, damn! Can't blame ya, kiddo! A spunky fella he is, that redhead," Mr. Highwind ranted on. "If I was a queer little bugger like yer… Aaaaah, but no offense, kiddo."

"None taken," Roxas replied blankly. Usually he would have at least protested jokingly, because he knew Mr. Highwind was never serious when he said things like that. And he knew he was one of his teacher's favorites, so he never minded when Mr. Highwind teased him about being bisexual. But today it was too strenuous for him to play along.

"Ya know yer my favorite lil' fairy, right?"

"Of course."

"Alright." Mr. Highwind seemed to realize he would get no entertaining reaction out of Roxas anytime soon. He stayed quiet for a while, rubbing his stubbly chin thoughtfully. "Well then. Alright, kids! Why don't we talk 'bout that fishy lil' town Atlantica some more?"

* * *

Roxas also survived this lesson. He met up with Axel at the school gates, and somehow he managed to not act too relieved when the redhead told him he had to do a lot of homework, asking Roxas if he would mind if they meet up the next morning again. He told him it would be okay; he had quite a lot to do himself. He didn't resist when Axel kissed him goodbye, but didn't return the affectionate gesture; he stayed silent when Axel whispered that he couldn't wait to see him again the next day. He just smiled weakly. Axel didn't seem to notice that something was wrong. Roxas had never before been so grateful; even though a part of him was hurt Axel didn't suspect anything.

Roxas walked home alone, since Sora had swim practice after school. For once he didn't mind at all to be alone in the mansion. He immediately ran up to his room, sitting down at his desk and pulling the pink letter from his bag again. And again his eyes wandered over the neat handwriting, even though he already knew what the letter said.

_Alright, you win._

_You win, because Roxas seems to like you, for reasons we can't understand. _

_But don't think you're special. You are most definitely not. _

_There is something we'd like to tell you about your sweet, innocent boyfriend. Something we believe he has kept from you. Something he doesn't dare to tell you._

_Alright. You win._

_But don't you want to know what your prize is?_

_Yours sincerely._

There was no signature. Not that Roxas needed one to know who had written this. He was fairly sure it had to be those fanclub members who had tried to talk to Axel a few times already, even though he didn't know how they had managed to get the folder into Axel's locker. It didn't matter.

He smoothed the crinkled paper down with both hands, again taking in the short message. Then, without taking his eyes off the pink letter, he fumbled for his bag, pulling out the folder. He tried to open it once, pulling his hands back again, holding them close to his chest. His palms were sweaty, his heart was racing, his breath came in short, labored gasps. He felt cold, so cold he could barely feel his fingers anymore.

He reached out again, closing his eyes when his hands touched the smooth cover of the folder. This time he was able to open it, but it took him a few seconds to actually open his eyes and look down.

He couldn't pry his eyes away for the remainder of that night.

* * *

Sora found him like this the next morning: Hunched over papers littered all over his desk, pale and trembling, eyes reddened, lips moving soundlessly. Roxas knew he had to look like a lunatic, sitting there like this, but he couldn't help but repeat one number over and over and over again.

_Two-hundred and eighty-seven._

The folder contained two-hundred and eighty-seven letters. All of them were hand-written. All the handwritings were different. Some of them were short, some were long, some were rather desperate, others simple descriptions, devoid of any emotion. Some were signed, some weren't.

All of them were written by Roxas' 'test subjects'.

Two-hundred and eighty-seven letters, describing how Roxas had lured them into his trap. Two-hundred and eighty-seven letters, and every single one accused Roxas of breaking their writer's heart.

"Roxas? Are you alright?" Sora called out from the door.

"Fine," Roxas croaked, slowly collecting the letters and putting them back into the folder, closing it and stuffing it back into his bag. He also folded the pink letter, carefully putting it into his bag as well.

"Do you want breakfast?" Sora asked timidly, carefully watching him as Roxas rose from the desk and stalked over to his closet, pulling out some clothes.

"No," Roxas denied tersely.

"Okay… Ehm… Riku and Axel won't pick us up today, they said they'd get some breakfast with Demyx and Zexion…"

"_Fantastic_."

"Are you sure you're alright?"

"I _am_."

Roxas brushed past his brother roughly, disappearing into his bathroom. He heard Sora call out for him again, but he ignored it.

The void had stirred again more than once throughout the night, but Roxas had managed to stomp it down; maybe it was blank despair that had helped him keeping his feelings at bay without turning him into the narcissistic brat he had been before. Maybe he was still in shock about the letters. He didn't care. He was just glad he didn't _feel_.

He didn't bother to wait for Sora to finish his breakfast. He walked to school alone this day.

* * *

There had been a change in their schedule. A small scrap of paper stuck on the door of their classroom stated that Miss Kisaragi, their Economics teacher, was sick. They'd have Math instead.

Roxas was among the first students who entered the classroom, immediately sitting at his desk and folding his hands on top of the cool wooden surface. Hayner and Pence entered the room soon after him, followed by Tidus and Selphie. He greeted all four of them distractedly, keeping his eyes fixed on his folded hands. He stayed silent when Selphie worriedly asked him what was wrong.

He also remained silent when Axel and Demyx entered the room; barely raising his head when Axel leaned down to softly kiss his cheek. He was scared that his voice would break if he said anything, so he just shook his head when Axel asked him if he was alright as well.

He kept his gaze down, even when Axel crouched down in front of his desk. A gentle hand touched his chin and forced him to look up. When his eyes met worried green ones, Roxas didn't even know what to feel anymore. He was too confused. Too weak. Too upset.

"What's wrong, Roxas?" Axel asked softly. He really had to be worried, Roxas mused. He hadn't called him 'Sunshine'.

Roxas considered simply not answering again, but then he sighed. He gently grasped Axel's hand with both of his, raising it to his lips briefly. A small, spiteful part of him pondered how often he would be able to do this from now on…

"It's nothing," he whispered and smiled. "I didn't sleep well." _I didn't sleep at all._

"Again?" Axel shook his head lightly. "You really should do something about that. It can't be healthy to sleep so little."

"I know," Roxas replied and shrugged, letting go of Axel's hand again. "I'll try to sleep more, okay? I'm just… tired."

"Okay," Axel sighed, stepping around the desk to hug Roxas briefly. "My poor Sunshine," he whispered softly into Roxas' hair. "Is there anything I can do?"

"Just be you," Roxas answered, and he almost laughed at his own sappy answer. Well, _almost_. The best he could do right now, was smiling weakly, not even looking up. Axel smiled, brushing Roxas' golden hair out of his face to kiss his forehead briefly.

"Oh, I can do _that_," he laughed, then let go of Roxas again to sit down. Roxas could feel the redhead's gaze resting on the back of his head, and with a sigh he closed his eyes. He didn't want to think about it. He didn't want to think at all. He was tired, he felt sick, and he was definitely not in the condition to think about anything else but Math right now, because thinking about anything but Math would inevitably lead to him breaking down in front of all those people.

Mr. Leonhart entered the room precisely at the ring of the school bell, slamming his papers onto the desk like he always did to make his students shut up. Of course they all did, and he opened his mouth, probably to explain the sudden change in their schedule… then he frowned and shut his mouth again, staring at something right behind Roxas.

Everybody turned to look at Axel stealthily. The redhead had thrown his feet onto his desk, obviously engrossed in some kind of… music magazine?

"Axel?" Mr. Leonhart said calmly.

"Present," Axel cheerfully exclaimed without looking up, just raising a hand to wave at Mr. Leonhart. The frown on their teacher's face deepened.

"Mentally as well as physically?" Mr. Leonhart queried, his voice growing softer with every word. Scary.

"You know I already did a course about that shit," Axel retorted, flashing him a beaming smile.

"You might want to lay off the cussing in my class, Axel," Mr. Leonhart sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. "Fine. Just… stay quiet, will you?"

Axel mumbled something vaguely affirmative, turning a page. Mr. Leonhart sighed once more, pulling out his list and verifying his students' attendance.

Roxas pulled out his notepad, starting to write down his notes. He fully concentrated on the lesson; he couldn't let his mind wander right now. He _couldn't_. He would never be able to calm down again if he got all worked up about… about that cursed green folder in his book bag…

It worked pretty well in the beginning. He was able to follow the lesson rather well; he could even answer some of their teacher's questions. Roxas was glad this lesson seemed to go by rather uneventfully…

"Holy fucking crap, _dude_!" Axel suddenly yelled behind him, causing Mr. Leonhart to raise an eyebrow at him disapprovingly.

"Axel, I told you to stop cussing in my class…"

"Holy fuck! Squall, did you know your ex-girlfriend recorded an album?" Axel exclaimed, obviously ignoring their teacher.

At first everybody turned to stare at Axel, who was still reading his magazine. Then everybody's gaze wandered to their teacher…

Was Mr. Leonhart… _blushing_?

"_What_ did you just say?" Mr. Leonhart grinded out between his teeth, and now he was _most definitively_ blushing. Deadly silence fell over the whole class. Roxas believed he could actually _hear_ everybody trying to process this piece of information.

Ex-girlfriend.

Mr. Leonhart… _blushing_.

_The world was ending! _

"Yeah, here! Rinoa Heartilly. Hey, Demy, do you remember Rinny? Here, look…"

"Axel…" Mr. Leonhart hissed, directing a downright murderous glare at the redhead who was at the back of the class.

"Wow, she really had a nice voice, hadn't she? And a really _gorgeous_ girl she was…"

"Axel…" Just a hint louder, but the glare intensified.

"That chick totally had the hots for you, hadn't she? Man, why did you ever turn her down? She was _hot_!"

"_Axel_!"

"Squall and Rinoa, sitting in a tree," Axel laughed, still ignoring Mr. Leonhart, who now marched over to the redhead's seat. "F-U-C-K-I-…"

"_Akuseru Kouen_, shut your trap this instant!" Mr. Leonhart hollered, his hand slamming down onto Axel's desk. And Axel immediately did.

Roxas turned around to look at his boyfriend worriedly. The sudden silence was surely not a good sign…

"You will _not_ do this again!" Mr. Leonhart continued to yell at Axel, ripping the magazine from the redhead's hands. "You will shut up and behave, do I make myself clear?"

Roxas watched horrified as Axel paled even more, looking up to Mr. Leonhart with wide eyes, obviously scared. When the magazine was ripped from his tense hands, his green eyes darted down, unable to return the older man's furious glare.

He wasn't breathing. Roxas could see it even from his place. His chest was not moving at all. But his hands were shaking, and he started blinking rapidly, his eyes already taking on this empty look that Roxas had learned to hate. But Roxas couldn't move; he tried to, he _wanted_ to, but he was frozen in place by the sheer horror of watching Axel's eyes losing their sparkle and his quivering lips parting to suck in a shaky breath.

No, this couldn't happen! Not _now_! Not _here_! Not in front of so many people who didn't know about Axel's condition!

From the corners of his eyes he could see Demyx was trying to get Mr. Leonhart's attention, but it was futile. The brown-haired man leaned down, narrowing his gray eyes at the trembling redhead.

"_Did I make myself clear_, Akuseru?" he hissed, either not noticing Axel's state or not caring about it. But how could he _not_ see the fear in Axel's eyes? How could he not notice he was scaring the redhead? He knew _why_ Axel couldn't be called by his name!

Axel's hands flew up to cover his mouth, stifling a barely audible sob.

"Answer me!" Mr. Leonhart yelled, again hitting the desk.

"_Leon_! Leave him alone!" suddenly someone else cried. To everyone's surprise Demyx jumped up, pulling Mr. Leonhart back with surprising strength. Axel just flinched, panting for air, still staring straight ahead.

Mr. Leonhart blinked at Demyx, obviously as shocked as everybody else in the room at hearing Demyx speak. The mulleted boy seemed almost as pale as Axel, and he seemed to try to say more, but no sound escaped him. He fell back onto his seat weakly, hiding his head in his arms.

And then Axel jumped up, shoving Mr. Leonhart away and making a dash for the door, fleeing the room.

Without thinking Roxas leaped to his feet as well, throwing a worried look at Demyx. Demyx stared at him over his folded arms, nodding weakly and mouthing 'Go' at him. Roxas followed the redhead in a hurry, not even looking back.

He could hear fast footsteps in the deserted hallways and followed them, not daring to call out for Axel. Yelling at him _now_ would do no good. But soon enough the footsteps died down, and when Roxas turned the next corner his eyes fell on a hunched figure huddled against a wall in the hallway, whole body shaking and hands pulling at crimson strands of hair.

Roxas fell to his knees next to Axel, who tried to curl up even more, a soft whimper falling from parted lips.

"Axel," Roxas whispered, slowly reaching out, showing his empty hands. "It's me."

"Don't," the redhead sobbed, hiding his head behind his arms. "Please, no… No… not again, _please_…"

"Axel…" Roxas said again, crawling closer to the other boy. He was too late it seemed… Empty green eyes peered at him, unfocused and unseeing. Yet he had to try. "They are not here. _I_ am here. _Roxas_. Do you remember me?"

"Leave me alone!" the frightened redhead shouted shrilly, yet he didn't make a move to defend himself. He stayed like this, curled up and shaking like a leaf, emerald eyes closing when he heaved another sob. Tears fell from his eyes.

"I won't hurt you, Axel," Roxas whispered, trying not to show how much it hurt that Axel didn't seem to recognize him at all. "You're safe. Look at me, please…"

"No… please…" Now Axel started to cry; he leaned against the wall, hugging himself, his fingers digging into his upper arms. "Don't… don't make me look… I… can't…"

"My hair is blond," Roxas said gently, cautiously reaching out to caress a tear-covered cheek. "_Not_ silver. Blond. _Golden_. You _like_ my golden hair…" He hesitated for a moment, trying to recall Axel's own words. "You… like how soft it feels… and how it always has this slightly tousled look to it…"

Slowly, all too slowly labored gasps slowed down, turned into less hectic panting. Emerald eyes opened, focused on something at the other end of the hallway.

"My eyes are blue," Roxas continued, feeling encouraged by the fact the redhead seemed to have calmed down at least a little bit. "Not aquamarine. Blue… like… the summer sky above the sea…"

Slender hands released their painful grip around shivering flesh; Axel blinked and then raised his gaze to the ceiling, heaving a tremulous sigh.

"Rox-… Roxas?" he finally whispered, his voice still trembling and weak. It didn't matter to Roxas. He had never been happier to hear it.

"I'm here," he repeated again, gently grasping one of Axel's hands, cradling it against his chest. "Don't worry, everything is okay…"

"No… no, it's not," Axel objected, rewarding Roxas with an uneasy smile. "But… it's nice you said it."

"Do you want to go home?" Roxas asked worriedly, grazing a clammy, pale cheek with the back of his free hand. "I'll get your stuff, and…"

"No, it's alright…" Axel sighed and pulled Roxas closer, closing his eyes when he rested his forehead on Roxas' shoulder. "Just… just a minute…"

"We can't stay here," Roxas disagreed nervously, glancing at a clock at the end of the hallway. "You don't want anybody to find us here, do you?"

"Oh, screw that," was the whispered answer, and Roxas flinched involuntarily when he was pulled even closer to the redhead. "Everybody saw me freaking out in class anyway."

"No, nobody knows," Roxas retorted rather sharply. He couldn't help it. Seeing Axel like this, so… broken and tired, made him feeling uneasy. It _still_ did. "You were just scared because Mr. Leonhart yelled at you. Heck, _everybody_ would have run away! We've never heard him yell like that…"

"I've never heard him yell like that either," Axel admitted quietly, his long fingers entangling themselves in Roxas' hair, playing with strands on the back of his neck.

"Not even in the orphanage?" Roxas asked, finally giving up trying to resist Axel's embrace. He sat fully down on the cold floor next to Axel, noticing Axel staring at him strangely.

"Why do _you_ know I knew Squall from there?" the redhead asked confused, frowning slightly.

"Demyx mentioned it," Roxas answered meekly, remembering Axel himself had _never_ told him anything about his past in the orphanage. What if… what if he still didn't _want_ Roxas to know? "When… when he told us about Riku's brothers…"

"Oh…" Axel nodded, looking down at the floor in front of him lost in thought.

"You're not mad at him because he told us, are you?" Roxas asked worriedly. "He didn't mean to…"

"Huh? No," Axel answered distractedly, looking around. "You're right; we should… we should go somewhere else, lesson is almost over…"

Now it was Roxas' turn to frown. Axel was trying to change topic? But why? Just the day before he had told Roxas he trusted him…

"We… should go back," Axel added, suddenly nervous. He let go of Roxas, rubbing his upper arms nervously before he rose from his position on the floor.

"No, I don't think so," Roxas disagreed, scrambling to his feet as well. "You will go to Aerith' office, I'll get our stuff. No, I don't want to hear it!" he immediately added when Axel seemed to try to object. "You're not feeling well, and you _will_ lie down for an hour or so!"

"But…"

"No!"

"But I…"

"Axel!" Roxas shouted exasperatedly, glaring up to the taller redhead. "Aerith' office! Now!"

Axel tried to hide the smile tugging on his lips, but gave up fighting against it soon enough. He raised a hand to tousle Roxas' hair, chuckling amusedly while watching Roxas trying to fix it frustrated.

"Okay," the redhead agreed eventually. "I'll go to Aerith' office. But only because you want me to."

"Good," Roxas huffed, turning around to walk back to their class, to get their stuff. He squeaked surprised when he was pulled back into a crushing embrace.

"You make it so easy to love you, Roxas," was whispered into his ear, and Roxas could feel his heart skipping a beat.

He didn't notice when Axel let go of him again; he didn't apprehend that the redhead left; he didn't hear the bell ringing; he only noticed other people filling the hallway when someone bumped into him. He had to lean on the wall for support, trying to force himself to breathe calmly.

Axel couldn't have said that. He wasn't allowed to say it as long as… as long as Roxas…

Again Roxas wanted to scream and cry, to get rid of the overwhelming guilt that was stabbing his heart like thousand burning needles. No – he was _not_ easy to love, if one saw what lay behind the carefully constructed mask he wore to hide his monstrous self. Only people like Sora could love him – forgiving, caring, _good_ people.

No, Axel couldn't have said it. Roxas had to have heard it wrongly. Yes. He had just misunderstood something…

And right now he was supposed to get their stuff from Mr. Leonhart's class anyway. Everything was all right. It had been a misunderstanding on his part. _It had to be_. He _couldn't_ freak out now; Axel needed him after that flashback, even if it had been just a 'short' one.

He repeated it like a mantra, until he felt calm enough, until his knees felt like they could carry his weight again. And when he felt calm enough, he started to walk, then to run, banishing the thought from his mind. It was not important. He had just heard something wrongly. Not important. Not at all.

He rushed inside the room, focusing on his task to retrieve his and Axel's stuff… and stopped dead in his tracks when he noticed the room wasn't empty yet.

Of course there was Mr. Leonhart, still sitting at his desk, obviously lost in thought. But in the back of the class…

He had forgotten about Demyx. Roxas wanted to slap himself for forgetting the mute boy. He knew Demyx couldn't be left alone.

He was all the more surprised to find Hayner, Tidus, Pence and Selphie standing around Demyx' desk, eyeing the other boy worried. Demyx' head rested on the desk, his face hidden in his crossed arms, his whole body shaking. His hands clenched and unclenched around the fabric of his sleeves, but to Roxas' surprise he didn't flinch back when Selphie cautiously petted his shoulder, whispering something quiet and soothing to him.

"Demyx?" Roxas asked weakly, stepping closer. Sea-green eyes opened to stare at him, wide and frightened, loose blond strands sticking to a sweaty, sickly white face. Slender fingers clenched around blue fabric again, and Roxas could see Demyx' facial musculature work, like he wanted to say something… He didn't, of course. But one hand immediately shot forward to grab Roxas' hand when he reached out to the older boy, who didn't seem to be a year older than Roxas himself right now. Not at all. He reminded Roxas of a lost child, not a teenager…

Roxas ignored the sudden pain shooting through his hand when Demyx squeezed it too tightly. He smiled, gently applying pressure himself.

"I'm sorry…" he started, but Demyx shook his head, pressing his lips together.

'Axel' he mouthed, eyes darting to the door.

"He's okay," Roxas answered, looking around uncomfortably. "He's with Aerith now."

Demyx nodded, gesturing with his free hand, his gaze growing more worried and less frightened. He pointed at his eyes, then laid his hand over his ear, then around his throat, opening his mouth as if he wanted to scream, eyes wide. Roxas guessed he wanted to ask if Axel had had a flashback.

He nodded miserably, frowning down at their linked hands. When he noticed Demyx starting to gesture something else he shook his head, indicating he didn't want to talk about it now, in front of his friends, who already looked at them confused.

"I guess I should bring you to Zexion's class," he mumbled, looking up again when Demyx squeezed his hand again. Demyx smiled, then nodded, standing up and grabbing his bag. When Roxas wanted to turn around to get his own he was held back.

Demyx' free hand closed around the strap of his bag so tightly his knuckles turned white, and he seemed to try to say something. He failed, swallowed, but then he tried again.

"Thanks… guys…" he whispered, barely audible, keeping his eyes fixed on the floor. "For… s-staying."

"Don't sweat it," Hayner immediately replied, grinning; yet his eyes remained serious.

"I have Geography next, and Mr. Highwind is always too late anyway," Tidus added shrugging.

"And your next class is on our way anyway, so we just thought we could walk you there," Pence said, seeming curious, yet holding back as well.

"Yeah, that's what friends do, right?" Selphie added uncharacteristically quiet and composed. She smiled as well; not her usual, cheeky grin, but a real, soft, genuine smile.

Demyx returned the smile, averting his gaze shyly. But he nodded, blushing slightly.

"I'll bring him to his next class," Roxas intervened quietly. "Thanks guys."

The four of them nodded and left, Selphie even briefly touching Demyx' arm when she said goodbye to him. Demyx didn't seem to mind, surprising Roxas. Only Roxas, Demyx and Mr. Leonhart remained.

And latter was staring at Roxas over his folded hands, gray eyes locking with Roxas'. And even though Roxas couldn't read his teacher's guarded expression, he seemed… nervous.

"Roxas," Mr. Leonhart murmured and beckoned him over. "May I have a minute?"

Roxas just nodded, only bending down to grab his bag along with Axel's before he walked to the front of the class, Demyx in tow. They waited for a moment, but Mr. Leonhart seemed to be thinking again.

"Yes, Sir?" Roxas finally asked, and he thought he could see Mr. Leonhart flinch slightly. But he remained silent for another moment before he finally raised his gaze to look at Roxas.

"Is he… Is Axel alright?" he asked quietly, his usually calm voice carrying a hint of worry.

"He is fine," Roxas answered tersely. Again they fell silent for a while.

"I caused one of those hypnagogic experiences he gets sometimes, didn't I," Mr. Leonhart finally continued, folding his hands in front of his face again while peering at Roxas.

"We call them flashbacks," Demyx added shyly, instantly looking away again when gray eyes moved to look at him instead.

"Flashbacks," Mr. Leonhart repeated slowly. "I caused one of those by yelling at him, correct?"

"It wasn't your fault," Demyx muttered, still not looking at the brown-haired man. "He knows Rinoa is a sensitive topic."

"She shouldn't be this sensitive of a topic anymore," Mr. Leonhart sneered, the frown on his face deepening. "I should never have yelled at him because of it. But did I or did I not cause a… flashback?" His eyes moved to peer at Roxas again.

"Well, yes," Roxas admitted coldly. "You should _know_ he shouldn't be addressed by his real name. _Sir_."

"I _should_ know, correct," the brown-haired man agreed thoughtfully, not even minding Roxas' disrespectful tone. "But he seemed so much better lately; maybe his demeanor fooled me into believing he got rid of the memories… Maybe the way he acted reminded me too much of the seven-year-old who kept following me around and tried to make me laugh…" He seemed lost in thought again; his eyes were glued to a point behind Roxas, his face was bare of any expression once more.

Roxas exchanged a stunned look with Demyx, who seemed rather surprised himself. Roxas believed this was the most emotional thing his teacher had ever said since he had known him. It wasn't the words alone, but the almost inaudible tremor in his deep voice, the far-away look in his bright eyes…

"Thank you, Roxas, this would be all for now," Mr. Leonhart added, dismissing him with a small wave. "You should go and make sure Demyx gets to his next class on time." _And you should make sure Axel is really okay._ No, of course he didn't say it out loud, but Roxas was pretty sure Mr. Leonhart had thought it.

He brought Demyx to Zexion's next class, not daring to leave Demyx in his own class on his own. He explained everything to Zexion, who assured him this wouldn't be a problem; they apparently had some kind of special status here in school, and especially Demyx had the exceptional permission to stay in class with either one of his three friends. He seemed rather surprised and worried when Roxas told him he had had to leave Demyx alone in class, and downright stunned when Roxas told him Demyx had seemed not too uncomfortable with Hayner, Selphie and the others. Demyx just smiled and gestured something that Roxas already had learned meant 'Later', to which Zexion hesitatingly agreed. Another thing Zexion was worried about was Axel's flashback earlier, but Roxas somehow managed to allay his fears, telling him Axel was with Aerith right now.

"You should still see if he's alright," Zexion insisted, frowning a little. "Even if it was only a short flashback…"

"I wanted to see him now anyway," Roxas agreed, fighting to stay relaxed on the outside. Inwardly he was already a nervous wreck; the fingers of his right hand continuously brushed over the smooth surface of the green folder in his book bag, and he dreaded what he knew would happen if he went to see Axel.

And the next thing he knew was that he was standing in front of the nurse's office, one hand outstretched, yet not touching the knob. He stared down at it, trying to calm himself down by repeating that, what he had thought he had heard earlier, had only been a mistake… But he really only wanted to turn around and run away. A cold, sharp, barbed wire seemed to coil itself around his stomach, only tightening when the tips of his fingers brushed over the folder again. He gasped for air once, feeling tears starting to burn behind his eyelids and squeezing his eyes shut to keep the tears inside; and even though his cold, clammy hand finally closed around the knob and turned it, he kept his eyes closed. He only opened them when his hand fell from the knob weakly, and he didn't need to take a look in the mirror on the nearby wall to know the very last bit of color had drained from his face. At least he felt like it. He felt dizzy, and cold… but he didn't dare to let go of the folder inside his bag, now gripping it tightly with one hand. He needed to be strong. He had to be. He couldn't back down again…

"Roxas?" Aerith smiled at him from the door to her office, stepping out of it and closing the door behind her. "You are here to see Axel, right?"

"Yes," Roxas answered in a whisper, not yet trusting his voice enough to say it out loud.

"He is in the other room; I think he is already waiting for you." She frowned, a concerned look crossing her deep green eyes. "But… are _you_ feeling alright, Roxas? You seem rather pale…"

"I'm fine," Roxas answered, smiling weakly. "It's just… I was surprised about his flashback earlier, I'm… not used to them…"

"Oh, I understand," Aerith replied and nodded sadly. "I will never get used to them myself. It hurts to watch him when he is being so scared. It doesn't seem… _right_. His eyes… they are all _wrong_ while he is reliving his past. Am I right?"

Roxas nodded, even though this was not what bothered him right now. Aerith smiled again.

"I am very happy he found someone like you, Roxas," she said softly. "I know he only came to me last weekend because of you."

"He did it because he promised Riku," Roxas disagreed, staring at the painted flowers adorning the walls. They had always been so calming… why weren't they now?

"No, he did it because he now has a reason to get better," Aerith objected. "He did it because he realized he hurt those close to him by keeping his problems to himself… by _hurting_ himself. He doesn't want to hurt those around him again. _Especially_ you."

"He shouldn't do it for me," Roxas murmured, his grip around the folder in his bag tightening.

"He trusts you, Roxas," Aerith added gently.

"He _shouldn't_," Roxas repeated stubbornly, closing his eyes again. Stupid, _stupid_ tears. Why couldn't his eyes stay dry for a few minutes longer?

"Roxas…" Aerith' gentle voice reached his ears again. "Are you sure you're alright? Is something wrong?"

"No," he said. _YES!!_ He screamed internally. _I am wrong! I am the worst mistake ever to have walked this world. I shouldn't go in there and hurt the poor guy even more, but I have to, because my whole life was nothing but a string of the most stupid mistakes one could possibly make!_

"I just want to see if he's alright," he muttered, again keeping his eyes fixed at a white lily painted on one of the walls. "Could I have a few minutes alone with him?"

"Of course," Aerith replied, pointing at the door behind him. "You can stay as long as you want. I'll excuse you from your lessons."

Roxas nodded, turning around without bothering to thank her. He couldn't bring himself to be polite anymore. His mind was solely focused on keeping him from freaking out. There was no strength left for anything else.

Again he had to constrain himself to lay his cold hand around the knob of the door, and again he had to pause for a moment before he opened it. He knew it had to seem strange to Aerith, who was still watching him, but he didn't care.

He kept his gaze down, closing the door behind him and leaning against it. His hand kept gripping the folder in his bag. It already felt sweaty, and he would have loved to let go. But…

"Hey, Sunshine," he was greeted happily, and he could hear faint rustling of fabric. He could picture the room perfectly in his mind. He could _see_ it when he closed his eyes; light green walls (the same color as the folder in his bag), white lilies (such purity, such innocence, even though they were only painted), sunlight filtering through the blinds, creating pleasant twilight and painting striped patterns of light and shadow onto every surface.

And over there, near the four beds, Axel would stand. He would be covered in stripes of light as well; it would fall onto his eyes and make them shine like the purest gems; it would accentuate black markings on his ivory skin; it would highlight his soft smile, the one he only showed for Roxas. The light would divide his crimson hair into brilliant scarlet and deep carmine, and it would create confusing patterns on the folds in his clothes, the black silken dress shirt, the sleeves rolled up to his elbows; the thin, black leather straps around his slim wrists and the red tie around his slender neck; the elegant but fairly tight, black pants; the heavy boots, which didn't seem to fit to the rest of his clothes at all.

And Roxas would be unable to do what he came here for if he opened his eyes now. He couldn't let that happen.

He let go of the folder, raising his hands to stop the soft footsteps that reached his ears. He concentrated on his breathing, forced it to stay calm.

"No," he said clearly, knowing without bothering to look that Axel was standing in front of him now, no more than two or three steps away. "Stay right there."

"S-… Roxas?" Again a step forward.

"I told you to _stay back_!" Roxas hissed sharply, keeping his hands up. "And please… don't… don't interrupt me."

This time the redhead stayed silent, but the silence felt uncomfortable, troubled and strange. Roxas let his arms drop to his sides, leaning against the door and sighing, only opening his eyes to look down at his feet.

He had always avoided thinking about this moment. He hadn't thought about what he was going to say, or what he was going to do when he finally mustered up the courage to confess his experiments. He had never thought about it, because he had thought he would be able to come up with the right words when the moment was finally there. He had always been so eloquent. He had _always_ known what to say. But now… There wasn't anything he could say that would sound right. There wasn't anything he could say that wouldn't hurt Axel. He had waited for too long…

So he just pulled the green folder out of his bag, holding it in front of him like a shield. Two-hundred and eighty-seven letters, written by his… victims. They would tell Axel what kind of person Roxas really was.

"What's that?" The words were spoken softly, and the voice sounded more worried than confused. Soon it would sound angry; but it was Roxas' own fault. He had waited for too long.

"I…" he started, then stopped himself again, clearing his throat to keep the slight tremor out of his voice. Then he opened his mouth again. "I… I got this from your locker. Yesterday."

"Really?" was answered after a short pause. "Doesn't look like one of mine."

"No…" Roxas whispered, again taking a deep breath to calm himself down. It would be no good if he backed down now. _Now_ he had to finish this. "But… it belongs to you. It's a… gift. From my… my… _fanclub_." He spat out the last word bitterly, but it left a foul taste in his mouth.

"But…"

"I _stole_ it," Roxas interrupted the redhead, clutching the folder tighter to his chest. "But that was wrong. I shouldn't have. It belongs to you…"

"I don't want it," Axel interrupted him gently. "Why don't you just throw it away?"

"… I can't…" Roxas didn't know if the redhead had even heard him. It didn't matter.

He finally dared to raise his gaze, and instantly he wished he hadn't done it. It was just like he had imagined it. The room; the light; and Axel was just as handsome as in his imagination. The only difference was the look of worry etched on his features, and the confusion shining out of his emerald eyes.

"I want you to read this," Roxas said, pronouncing every syllable distinctly, feeling worse with every word. Yet he couldn't tear his gaze away. "I want… I _need_ you to read this. And… until you f-finished… I… I won't… I won't talk to you. You have to… you have to read this."

"And if I don't want to?" Axel's voice was still so soft and gentle, and every word killed Roxas a little on the inside. "What if I don't care about what they have to say?"

"You _must_," Roxas insisted stubbornly. "You… You have to, because… because…" He trailed off when he noticed Axel had stepped closer once more, and he quickly raised one hand to hold him back. He shivered when his hand touched black silk and felt the firm chest underneath. His fingers twitched, tried to close around the red tie and pull Axel down, but he straightened his arm instead, shoving the redhead away.

"You have to care about what they have to say," he yelled, anger and despair and fear clouding his thoughts. He shoved the folder into Axel's arms, glaring at the redhead when it slipped from his hands. "Because I'm too much of a coward to tell you myself!"

"Tell me _what_?" Axel asked confused, grabbing Roxas' shoulder to hold him back when Roxas wanted to whirl around and flee the room.

"Read it!" was all Roxas could answer. Again he tried to turn around, grabbing the doorknob…

"Roxas," a gentle voice whispered right next to his ear, and Roxas could feel a hot blush rising into his cheeks. "Can I kiss you now?"

He froze, and his mind went blank. Everything inside him screamed at him to say yes, to turn around and bury his hands in crimson spikes and to ravish this unearthly beautiful man…

"Read the letters in the folder," he whispered, opening the door. "Ask me again if you want to afterwards." And then he was gone, slamming the door behind him and running past Aerith, out of the office.

* * *

The remaining lessons went by quickly. Roxas barely realized the minutes ticking by; he knew he was taking notes the whole time, but he wasn't even able to decipher them afterwards… Oh, his handwriting was neat and steady, like always. He just wasn't able to concentrate on the words long enough to decipher their meaning. He knew he was paying attention the whole time, but he couldn't remember what the lessons had been about. Not one of them.

He ignored his friends, he ignored his twin, he didn't talk to anybody. He didn't talk. He didn't think. He didn't _feel_. The minutes ticked by, and Roxas was in a daze. He felt… detached. He felt… like he was… _not there_. One time he actually feared the void might have swallowed his feelings again; but not even this thought could really frighten him anymore. And it felt different; he _was_ sad this time, he just… couldn't show it.

It wasn't until lunch he finally regained _some_ feeling.

"Where is Axel?" Sora asked worriedly, breaking a piece from his bread and stuffing it into his mouth.

"He's still at Aerith' office," Riku answered frowning, shoving his food around on his plate without eating anything. "What the hell _is_ this? Looks _disgusting_!"

"Oh, you got the pizza," Roxas threw in, smiling, causing the other occupants of the table to look at him surprised. He knew Sora was worried, and he knew the others were confused about his strange behavior, but surprisingly enough, he didn't care the slightest. He was just amused. "Tastes even worse than it looks."

"M-hm…" Riku grumbled, pushing the plate to the side. "Axel said he just wants to stay there during lunch break. Something about feeling uncomfortable around so many people after a flashback. He'll join us for chemistry."

Again looks were drawn to Roxas, but he was busy shoving his mashed potatoes down his throat. Again he didn't understand what he was hearing.

After lunch break he could hear Naminé, Kairi and Sora talking about him. He didn't care. He just moved along with the crowd, walking to the chemistry lab. Mr. Vexen was already there, frowning at something… or rather _someone_ in the back of the room.

Axel was already sitting there, obviously reading something, completely absorbed in the reading matter. Roxas noticed the redhead wasn't sitting in his usual seat in the middle; he was occupying Riku's seat instead.

Roxas didn't say anything, just sat down himself, leaving the seat in the middle for Riku. He glanced over to the redhead, and his heart clenched almost painfully… Axel was even paler than before, his green eyes seemed so dull and lifeless… His hands gripped an already crinkled sheet of paper, his eyes slowly scanning the page, lips moving soundlessly from time to time. He didn't even seem to notice Roxas and Riku.

"Uhm… Guys? You're sitting… wrong," Riku said hesitantly, his gaze traveling back and forth between them.

"Just sit down, you dork," Axel mumbled into his fist without even looking up. Riku frowned, acting like he wanted to reply something… but he closed his mouth again and sat down obediently when Mr. Vexen closed the door and cleared his throat.

"Now… if nobody wants to raise objections, I'd like to proceed…" Mr. Vexen sneered, and everybody turned to look at Axel. It had become some sort of ritual every chemistry lesson; Axel would _always_ answer something back to annoy their teacher, which would always lead to a heated discussion between them.

But now Axel just folded the letter he had been reading and put it into his bag, picking up his pen, his gaze fixed on his notebook.

"Well," Mr. Vexen continued pleasantly surprised, smirking at the silent redhead. "If not even Mr. Kouen has anything to say…"

Roxas couldn't help but steal glances at Axel during the whole lesson. The redhead's eyes stayed cold and dull; he obediently wrote down notes, not once uttering a word. Riku kept staring at them alternately, not daring to say anything.

After the lesson Axel rose from his seat as soon as the bell rang, leaving the lab without looking back. And again Roxas was unable to understand any word spoken to him; he couldn't answer the questions Riku, Zexion and Naminé asked him. Not even Demyx' timidly voiced question could he register properly. He could do nothing but stare at the door through which the redhead had left.

It took him a few minutes to gather the strength to stand up and leave the room as well. He knew he should have said something to calm the others down, but…

He followed the crowd, not even minding where he was going. He ignored people bumping into him, he ignored familiar voices calling out his name. He thought he could even hear Sora crying out his name. And he almost even ignored the hand grabbing his arm and dragging him into a deserted classroom, only stared down at it mildly startled; of course he recognized it instantly.

The only thing he couldn't ignore was the piercing emerald gaze that was boring into his eyes, and the shaking hand holding his wrist, the furious scowl deforming a handsome face.

Axel just stared at him for a while, then let go of Roxas' hand, crossing his arms in front of his chest. The angry glare soon was replaced by a look of sorrow and despair… which was even _worse_ in Roxas' opinion.

"Who _are_ you?"

The whispered words were barely audible and Roxas had trouble understanding them. And like the whole day he had a hard time actually deciphering their meaning. When he finally did, it was like something inside him died.

"I'm… I'm Roxas," he still answered, even though his voice had started to shake badly. "I'm sixteen… and I… I like marshmallows for breakfast and sea salt ice cream. I like to draw… and I like to go to the beach… and I like to learn, because I'm weird like that…" He swallowed thickly, and he closed his eyes. He didn't want to look at Axel anymore. He didn't want to see the disgust in his eyes. "I have a twin brother, Sora. He is the happy twin… I am the… the moody one. H-He is… the good twin, and I am the bad one. I'm sure you… know that by now. I don't like it when people call me 'Roxy'… but I… I love it when you call me 'Sunshine'. Because… it… makes me feel like I'm… like I'm special. But I'm not special… at least not in a good way…"

He surprised himself with the way he was holding back the tears so well, but he knew he would probably only crack when he opened his eyes. So he kept them closed, letting the words spill from his mouth, words that would drive the redhead away for good. He was sure they would.

"Before… before I met you, I liked to play with people's feelings… and… break their hearts," he continued slowly, focusing on the words instead of the feelings the words caused. The feeling was an odd one; it was hollow and painful at the same time… "Before I met you, I… invited somebody to my home every day. First I drew them into my notepad. Then I… talked to them. _Flirted_ with them. No one ever refused my offer. They were always so eager to get close to me. They only saw money and prestige… They never saw _me_. And I… I let them believe they were special to me. But… when they tried to get closer to me… I always pushed them away. And… I told them that I _hated_ them. I told them _why_ I hated them. I did everything I could to break them. I wanted to hurt them for hurting me. I wanted to… show the world that _they_ were the cruel ones, when really _I_ was. But most of all… I wanted to convince _myself_ that I wasn't a monster. And it worked… until I met you." He sighed, running both hands through his hair. "And now… every time I'm near you I can't help but realize how childish and wrong it was. I can't help but see what I did was no better than what they tried to do. Maybe some of them really… really _liked_ me, but I hated them all the same. I… hated them for… for loving me. I hated them for being so… weak. But then there were _you_…"

Now he opened his eyes again; he didn't want to, but he _had_ to. He had to look Axel in the eye when he said what he had to say; he needed the redhead to believe him.

Axel was sitting on one of the desks, arms crossed in front of his chest; his face was blank, his eyes bare of any emotion. Roxas couldn't say if the redhead was angry or sad, if he was disgusted or if he didn't care… It would have been easier had he been furious. It would have been easier had he been disappointed. _Everything_ would have been easier than this cold indifference.

"You were… different," Roxas said, almost faltering. "You didn't care about my money. _You_… pushed _me_ away. You seemed so _strong_… even when you were scared and vulnerable; you always seemed so much stronger than me… And I was so scared if I would show you how weak I was… how tainted… how cruel… that you wouldn't see 'Sunshine' in me anymore. It was so nice to be 'Sunshine' for you. It was nice to feel safe for once. I _needed_ that. I needed you… and I needed you to need me… That's why… why I couldn't tell you. That's why I argued with Sora so often. That's why…" He swallowed again, and only now the tears he had tried to hold back welled up in his eyes. "I'm… sorry."

Axel didn't say a word, just continued to stare at him so eerily calm. Why didn't he yell at Roxas, or hit him, or at least _say_ something? But no, he just stared. And then, without saying anything, he picked up his bag and left, slamming the door shut behind him.

"I love you…" Roxas whispered into the cold, silent room, tears starting to fall from his eyes.

* * *

He somehow managed to drag himself home. He mechanically changed into his swimming gear, then ran outside and threw himself into the cool water down at the beach. He swam against the waves until his arms hurt, until he could tell himself his eyes were burning from the salty water, until he couldn't concentrate on anything but his aching body.

Sometime later, Roxas couldn't say how long it had been, Sora, Kairi and Naminé came to the beach as well. Roxas swam back to the shore exhausted, falling into the warm sand and closing his eyes, letting the sun and the wind dry off his cold skin.

"Roxas?" Naminé asked worriedly, and someone shook him lightly. "Roxas? What's wrong?" Kairi asked as well. Roxas kept his eyes closed, focusing on steadying his erratic breathing.

"Roxas, what happened?" Sora shouted, and this time he was shaken a bit rougher. Roxas wrenched himself free, turning to the side and curling up, opening his eyes to look at the setting sun. It had to be around six already; he had been swimming for… three hours? Sounded about right, judged by how much his arms hurt…

He perked up when he noticed a high-pitched beeping sound over the gentle rolling of the waves and the others' worried questions. He rose from the wet sand, ignoring Sora's plea for him to stop and talk to them. He trotted over to his clothes instead, dropping to his knees next to them and searching the pockets for his cell phone. He found it and flicked it open.

_Tell him!_

The words blared up at him, blinking along with the annoying beeping sound, alternately black and red. Black and red. Black and red…

_Tell him!_

_Tell him!_

_Tell him!_

This time Roxas couldn't blame the sea water when another salty liquid started dripping from his eyes and cheeks and chin. He dropped the phone, curled up until his forehead almost touched the sand, holding his stomach, which flipped and churned until he thought he would lose his lunch. He gasped loudly, eyes wide. He couldn't breathe… he couldn't breathe… he was suffocating, it felt like cold hands were squeezing his throat…

"Roxas?" Sora sank to his knees next to him, but Roxas didn't even feel it when his brother embraced him. He was too occupied by fully and thoroughly freaking out. He started rocking back and forth, still hugging himself, panting and trying to fight the blackness invading his vision.

"My God, what's wrong with him?" Naminé cried somewhere behind him.

"Roxas, talk to me!" Sora screamed hysterically, shaking Roxas lightly.

Roxas couldn't take his eyes off the still blinking phone in the sand. Black and red, black and red… Black tattoos, black clothes… red hair, red like the sunset. It _mocked_ him.

Roxas' hands moved to grip his head, and a long, pained moan wrung itself from his restricted throat. He slumped even more against his brother. Tears were still dripping from his eyes into the warm sand.

"Roxas…" Sora tried again, but this time Roxas shoved him away.

"I _did_ tell him," he yelled, grabbing the phone and throwing it away. His hand clenched and unclenched around pure white sand while he still panted for air. His vision seemed frayed around the edges; his head hurt like it had been split in half. "I told him, and now he hates me! He hates me! I'm disgusting, and he won't ever talk to me again!"

"What are you talking about?" Kairi asked softly. "Who hates you?"

"He hates me…" Roxas sobbed, again burying his hands in his wet hair. "He _hates_ me…"

"Roxas, calm down…" Sora whispered, stroking his hair gently.

"H-He hates me…" Roxas whimpered, latching onto Sora, throwing his arms around his brother's shoulders and sobbing into his t-shirt.

He cried until his vision went black and his mind went blank, thinking of icy green eyes and whispered words (_Who are you?_) until merciful emptiness blanketed his mind and peaceful silence drowned out the rest of the world.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** There! There you have it, and I TOLD YOU YOU WOULDN'T LIKE IT! I don't want to say "I told you so." But... Well, I told you so! LOL

And yes, I'll try to update as soon as possible. Can't leave you too long with this horrible cliffy. Even though... the next one will be just as bad. Hehe.


	23. Chapter 22

**Summary:** His life had always been perfect, or at least so Roxas had liked to think. But overcoming his own fears for someone else isn't as easy as it seems. When both his own and his lover's past threatens their unstable relationship, Roxas has to face the truth: His life was far from perfect. But at least it was better than Axel's.

**Warnings:** Weird dreams and angry redheads. Yep.

**Pairings:** AkuRoku main, RikuxSora, ZexionxDemyx side pairings. Possible LeonxCloud later on. Much, much later though.

**Disclaimer:** As if I was creative enough to come up with so many amazing characters... No, really, those people at SquareEnix really deserve to be _worshipped_.

**Chapter Dedication:** **Kuraieshi, kotilo and Riku-stalker**... get used to it already. _They are awesomeness!_

**Thanks to:** Damn, it takes longer and longer to reply to your reviews, guys!

... Wow, and there are still people who tell me they created an account just to review my story... FFnet should pay me! lol

Hm, and of course I will keep thanking my new reviewers here, even though that gets more complicated with every chapter... Well, **Ania24, blackpantha, BoomBoom31, BYEBYE908, Cassie-san, Cyhyr, hanyou kawaii 3, iluvtoady, Kigichi, Lithium Nighshade, Manuca, Miah The Storm Wolf, Moons Calamity, Mourir, NarutoXxXLisa, NightmareFairy, ninja girl of doom, Pikachu Project, Sinful Psycho, sorceress115, StrifeDaethWingedAngel, Take Me To W0ND3LAND, The Mad Empty Shell, ., ThnksFrThEmo, Wingz, , xXSilentMelodiesXx**, thank you very much for reviewing for the first time (or not, because I suspect a few of you already reviewed before and changed your penname, or you already reviewed my other story or something, but oh well...)! Eh... if I forgot to mention anybody, forgive; I barely slept the last few nights...

And a big thank you to everybody else who reviewed the last chapter! And of course all of you who alerted/faved my story! Thank you guys so much!

* * *

**Perfect Match - Chapter 22**

_**"Who are you?" A cold whisper, full of confusion and sorrow...**_

_Shadows are cold. He had always thought shadows would be warm; that they would be like a __soothing __blanket or something, like he had read in one of his books… But they were cold. _

_**"Don't touch me, you sick freak!" A terrified scream...**_

_But cold was al__l __right. Cold was just what Roxas __wanted.__ His heart was burning; maybe the shadows would be able to cool it down._

_**"Stop saying that… I'm not. Please, stop…" A desperate plea…**_

_Everything was gray. He had thought shadows would be black, but apparently they were just a dark, cold gray._

_**"**__**Shh**__**… it's alright, don't cry…" A soothing whisper…**_

_The cold__ shadows seemed to have swallowed everything. He could see figures wandering through this sea of endless gray, but not even they showed colors._

_**"Leave me alone, please…" Hopeless sobbing…**_

_The figures looked like they had been drawn. Roxas could even see single lines. They appeared out of the shadows, __then__ vanished again, never even noticing him__ sitting on the floor._

_**"You are not going to cry again, are you?" A softly asked question, soothing like nothing else he had heard before…**_

_A soft sob escaped his lips; two figures turned to look at him before they vanished again. More of them appeared. _

_**"You have no idea as to how long I've wanted to do that…" Soft lips touching his own, shy and **__**cautious and **__**wonderful, **__**the tender smile of **__**this gentle voice**__**'s owner clearly audible...**_

_They had no face. Where their faces should be, he could only see chaotic scribbles. _

_**"You are mine, got it memorized?" Breathless and fierce and passionate, whispered words accompanied by a fervid kiss...**_

_More of them stayed in the shadows. Faceless heads turned, eyeless faces stared at him. He could _feel_ their eyes; they felt like fire on his cold skin and set his heart aflame once more._

_**"Did you know that the radiance of your lovely cerulean eyes rivals the beauty of the moonshine on the calm sea in a serene summer night?" A voice so teasing and joking, and yet the words sounded so sincere… so caring…**_

_The cold shadows gave way to more and more drawn bodies, more faceless creatures turning towards him. They started to whisper, and he briefly wondered how they could talk without mouths. _

_**"You… you are beautiful…" There was fear in the voice now, but also **__**adoration,**__** and so much love… so much love…**_

_One of the creatures stalked closer and touched Roxas. He watched as the touch burned away his skin and blood stared to flow. It didn't hurt very much, but Roxas was confused; he had thought burns like this one __didn't bleed. Well, it didn't have to make sense. Red drops splashed to the gray __ground,__ and they were swallowed by the endless void. No color could exist here._

_**"I need you so much, Roxas…" Now the voice was trembling slightly, but it didn't sound unsure. It was desperate, but it told the truth. **_

_More burning touches, and now they did hurt; but not where they burned his skin, no, they __caused his heart to bleed as well. One of the creatures stepped forward and touched his chest. The shadow-like hand disappeared in his body and clenched around his heart. _

_**"I love what I see… You…" This time it was a whisper full of need and passion, and warm, nimble hands emphasized the words by caressing his heated skin. **_

_Roxas screamed; now he could __feel,__ and it hurt more than everything he had ever experienced. He looked up, and the creature clutching his heart stared back, emerald eyes burning into his very soul. _

_**"I can't say it back. Not yet." **_

_There still was no other color than the mesmerizing green shade of almond-shaped eyes; but Roxas __could__ see the shadows giving way to spiky, shoulder-length hair and a ghostly white face, black, upside-down teardrops contrasting sharply with their pale background. Shadows peeled off a slender body, one arm still embedded in Roxas' chest. He screamed again. _

_**"You are the only good thing that ever happened in my fucked up life."**_

_Roxas felt his back arch, his body presenting itself to his tormentor against his will; his eyes closed as he screamed again, tears spilling from his closed eyes as he felt something being ripped from his body.__ Then he felt c__old again. And the pain intensified tenfold__. He opened his eyes__, still screaming on top of his lungs._

_**"I know I can trust you."**_

_The green-eyed__ creature stared at __its hand, or better at the dark red, still beating heart in it. Slender fingers were coated in red; it looked like it was wearing a glove made out of blood. Red tears dropped to the shadowy ground and were swallowed by endless gray; when Roxas looked down, he noticed his shirt was covered in red as well. He was already too weak to scream, but the pain remained._

_**"You make it so easy to love you."**_

_Scars were running all over the fleshy surface of the slowly beating organ in the creature's hand. They were so small, but they were so many… They made the heart appear crippled, sick, _broken.

_**"Can I kiss you now?"**_

_The creature gazed down at the heart, cradling it in both hands, which were covered in dark __scarlet__. A slender finger traced the scars tenderly; Roxas could feel the gentle touch despite the searing pain torturing his bleeding, useless body, and he sighed shakily. __And then it raised it to its lips, kissing it softly._

_**"Do you want to know why I call you **__**Sunshine**__** all the time?**__**"**_

_Thin lips parted, coated in red as well; __it licked its lips, tasting the dark red liquid. __A pale glow flickered over the scars, and Roxas watched__ amazed__ as the scars seemed to fade. __And at the same time some of the other, faceless creatures were consumed by fire, burned away like paper, and they were screeching loudly into the silence. The sounds were swallowed by the void. So much color… the flames burned yellow and orange and red, and it seemed like the green-eyed creature was bathed in color as well for the shortest __moment. Gray hair turned crimson; white skin gained a rosy hue for the shortest of all moments. Then the colors were gone again; only blood-red and emerald remained. _

_**"Hey, Sunshine!"**_

_The creature kissed the heart again, a lone drop __traveling__ down its chin and leaving a blood red trail on white skin. More scars vanished. __More faceless creatures were consumed by orange and red flames._

_**"Sunshine?**__**"**_

___The pain lessened as well; Roxas gasped and felt his chest, where he found no blood anymore. He smiled, continuing __watching __the creature kiss away the scars on his heart, emerald eyes half-lidded. The sight was scary and calming at the same time. __His blood on its pale lips was surely unsettling, __but Roxas found __himself__ unable to feel scared. He ignored the blood; his gaze was drawn to green eyes instead. Such a calming, soothing color…_

_**"**____**Sunshine…**__**"**_

___The pale glow remained longer now; the heart no longer resembled a scarred lump of flesh, but seemed healthy and strong, only few scars remaining__, the pale glow now engulfing it permanently and giving it an ethereal appearance._

___**"WHO **_**ARE **___**YOU?" **_

___The creature stopped; __slender fingers clenched around red muscle, and Roxas screamed again, curling up, trying to shut the sudden pain out, without ever taking his eyes off the green-eyed creature__ which so resembled the one__ his heart was yearning for. Scarlet dripped from its chin, but even scarier was the slow fading of emerald; bright eyes turned dull and gray, and the creature smirked, cocking its head to the side while watching the heart in its hands catching fire. Then the drawing burned away completely, and Roxas screamed again._

* * *

"Roxas…" Someone was shaking him lightly, but when Roxas opened his eyes he couldn't see anyone; everything was dark, everything was made out of dark gray shadows… He screamed again, ignoring his hurting throat, sitting up and shying away from a hand on his shoulder.

"Roxas, wake up!" Again the hand grabbed his shoulder, and a fairly familiar voice said his name again, just loud enough for him to hear over his own screaming. "It was only a dream. Shh… Everything is okay. Everything is okay…"

Roxas gasped for air, clamping both hands over his mouth, staring into the darkness wide-eyed. Slowly he recognized colors other than gray; the faint moonlight cast his room in hues of dark blue. No red. Just blue. And someone was still whispering soothing words to him; and his heart was racing in his chest; and his hands were trembling, and his arms, and his whole body…

He heaved another shuddering sigh, closing his eyes, concentrating on the warm hand on his shoulder and the calm voice. He still couldn't quite place the voice though; it surely wasn't his brother, he would have been able to recognize Sora's voice anytime. No, it was higher; a girl?...

"Nami?" he whispered, and the hand on his shoulder squeezed gently.

"Nami, he's awake," the voice said quietly, and another gentle hand took his and pulled it away from his face.

"I'm here," another feminine voice muttered, and a cool hand brushed his hair out of his forehead. The hand on his shoulder retreated.

"Should I go, or…" the first voice asked unsurely, and Roxas opened his eyes again. Two dark silhouettes were bending over him.

"Kairi?" he identified the owner of the first voice as well.

"Yeah," the redheaded girl admitted, and he could see her rising from his bed. "Don't worry, I'll just…"

He didn't even hear her anymore. Without a warning tears welled up in his eyes again, and uncontrollable sobs caused his whole body to convulse and shake; he ripped his hand away from Naminé's, his fingers curling around his hair and pulling harshly.

"He hates me!" he sobbed pathetically, drawing his knees up to his chin and squeezing his eyes shut. "He hates me, he hates me, he…"

"Roxas, calm down… it was only a dream," Naminé tried to calm him down, again brushing his hair out of his face and trying to loosen his grip on his tousled hair.

"Should I… should I wake Sora?" Kairi whispered confused.

"But we just got him to sleep…" Naminé disagreed worriedly, again turning her attention to Roxas. "Roxas, please, calm down… Everything is okay…"

"Nothing is okay!" he disagreed brokenly, shying away from her gentle touch. "He hates me…"

"Is it about Axel?" Kairi asked cautiously, immediately apologizing when he burst into tears again. "S-Sorry…"

"What happened?" Naminé tried to touch him again, but Roxas turned away, holding his head with both hands.

"Where's Sora?" he whimpered miserably. "I want Sora… where is he?"

"No, Roxas, you have to let him sleep a bit. He stayed up all night yesterday, and most of today," Naminé stated firmly. "He was so worried about you, he didn't want to sleep at all…"

"We had to give him pills to get him to sleep," Kairi added. "You'll have to put up with us."

"Wha-… But…" Roxas concentrated to understand what they were saying. "Yes… Yesterday?"

"It's two a.m., Thursday morning," Naminé explained. "You missed all Wednesday. You slept all day." She stayed quiet for a moment. "Well, more or less… You were crying a lot, and your eyes were open, but… you were so apathetic we couldn't be sure you were actually… _awake_…"

"We went to school to report you two were sick. Sora didn't want to leave you alone," Kairi clarified. "Understandable. We were freaked out too when we saw you like that…"

"What happened, Roxas?" Naminé asked gently.

He stayed silent for a while, staring into the darkness. Slowly his eyes got accustomed to the dark; he could make out their forms more clearly now. But then his eyes were drawn into the direction where he knew his desk was. From where faceless creatures watched him.

"Do you remember Alicia?" he suddenly heard himself whisper into the darkness. Yes, her picture had to be somewhere beneath them, staring at him accusingly along with all the others. For a while the girls stayed silent, and Roxas thought they would have exchanged surprised looks had they seen anything. Sometimes they acted more like twins than him and Sora did. Well… they had been best friends since they were _born…_

"That… girl who changed school?" Kairi finally asked, sounding pretty confused.

"Do you… Do you remember what she said about me in school?" He knew his voice grew quieter with every word, but he couldn't stop them. Not quite. Oh, a part of him urged him to throw the girls out of his room (What were they doing here anyway?), and he wanted to yell at them and tell them it was none of their business, he wanted to be alone and he wanted to wallow in his misery and never, _never _come out of his room again.

But the better part of him didn't care anymore. He was so tired; he was _tired _of all his lies. Naminé and Kairi were his and Sora's oldest friends. They deserved to know whom they called their friend. So he didn't stop the words spilling from his mouth. He didn't care anymore.

"Oh, those awful lies she broadcasted all over school?" Naminé asked, sounding disgusted.

"No lies," Roxas breathed, barely containing another sob. "Everything was true."

For a while everything was silent; Roxas was even able to hear the soft rustling of the trees from outside the partly opened window. And then, when neither of the girls tried to say anything, everything burst out. Roxas felt his mouth moving, felt his vocal chords produce the sounds, he heard the words spilling from his lips, heard the soft whimpers and sniffles accompanying the words, but it wasn't _him _who was speaking. It was the part of him that had done all those things; it was the vengeful beast that had hurt all those people, and it raged inside him, tried to hold the words back, and yet it blurted out his shameful secret in front of the two girls, who had been his friends for so long; it admitted what he had done, how childish he had acted, it told them about Alicia, about the drawings, about all the boys and girls he had taken home; it told them how he had felt when he had seen their tears, how he had welcomed seeing them cry. It told them about how much he had hurt his brother; it told them how he had tried to forget about it when he had met Axel; it told them how he had never been able to admit his mistakes to the redhead. It told them about his feelings, and only then he could feel fresh tears trickling down his damp cheeks. It told them about the folder he had found and all the letters; it told them about Axel's reaction. It told them everything, and when there was no more to tell it stopped.

His throat hurt even more than before now; briefly he wondered why it had been so easy to admit everything _now, _but hey, they were already in his room, so they had to feel it anyway, right? They had to know. And apart from that he figured it might be because that very part that had done all those things, the part of him that had relished the tears and the heartbreak; that this part had been withering away ever since his eyes had met emerald green ones for the first time. Had it had a voice, it would have screamed now, and then… it was gone. Dead, buried under the burden of his guilt and fear and sadness. He was empty, no emotion left in his body strong enough to lessen the pain burning in his heart; not even the fear of losing friends so dear to him seemed to be strong enough. That crippled, scarred, useless lump of flesh; he had thrown the chance away to let Axel heal it. He would never heal now. He would be scarred forever, and nothing would ever soothe the pain.

And now this dying monster inside him had scared some of his best friends away, in one last, hurtful act of rebellion against him. Oh, but it was all right; what harm would one more scar do? How much more could his heart shatter?

However, he hadn't expected two gentle hands touching his shoulders. He didn't bother to look up; in this darkness he wouldn't have seen anything anyway. But he tensed at the gentle touch, flinched back as if he expected them to hit him instead of just touching.

"It's okay, Roxas," Naminé whispered soothingly. "You should rest now."

For a moment Roxas was too stunned to do anything; then he really crawled back, and the hands were removed from his shoulders.

"Did you… aw, hell…" He wiped his cheeks, now trying to make out the blonde's form in the darkness. "Did you just _listen_?"

"Of course we did," Kairi said gently. He turned to stare at her now through the darkness. "But you really should try to sleep again."

"But I…"

"We… We will sleep in the guest room down the hallway, okay?" Kairi again. "If you need anything."

"But…"

"You'll see, tomorrow it will be better," Naminé turned him down. "Let's talk about it then, okay?"

"You're mad at me now, right?" Roxas mumbled ashamed, closing his eyes. "You are disgusted, am I right?"

"No, no," Naminé hurried to disagree, but the short silence that followed felt uncomfortable. "This was just a bit… surprising. I never thought…" And then she fell silent again.

"It's just a bit much to swallow at once, you know?" Kairi finished for her. "We just have to sleep over it. But we'll be here if you want to talk tomorrow, okay?"

"Okay," Roxas muttered brokenly. He knew it would _not _be okay, but he wanted to believe it so desperately… "Thank you."

"No problem," Kairi replied, faked cheerfulness lacing her voice. "You really should try to sleep now." Naminé stayed silent, also when the girls left his room. And that was what hurt him most. Naminé had always been _his _friend, and Kairi Sora's… To know Naminé was mad at him hurt him more than he had thought. He had thought there would be no emotion left to feel more sorrow than he was feeling already. He had been wrong.

He cried, curled up on his bed and hugging himself, feeling lost and small and alone, until a dull throbbing ache seemed to spilt his head in half, and then he cried a bit more. But he couldn't rest that night; he watched the sunrise from his old place on his couch, and he felt sick and jittery and knew he deserved to feel much worse.

* * *

When the door opened again he didn't look up. He didn't have to; he recognized the soft footfalls. For a long time this person had been the only one who had been allowed to enter his room. His sanctuary. His hell.

Sora sat next to him, staring at the glowing red sky as well, and he didn't say a word. He didn't have to. Nothing he could have said would help Roxas now, and Sora knew it. But his hand closed around Roxas', and this was the only thing that could calm Roxas down at least a little bit.

"He hates me," Roxas whispered.

"Don't say that," Sora replied softly.

"And Naminé and Kairi hate me as well," Roxas insisted, and a mirthless smile tugged at the corners of his mouth when he noticed he was even too drained to cry now. "They know now what kind of monster I am."

"You are not a monster, Roxy," Sora said. "And they are still here, aren't they?"

"I guess," Roxas agreed. "But they despise me anyway."

"I don't think so," Sora objected and sighed. "Do you want to stay at home today? I could stay with you if you want."

"No…" Roxas shook his head, and he was a bit surprised about himself. "Life goes on, right?"

"Roxy…"

"People would talk. They will talk enough already." Roxas shrugged. "I don't want to give them even more reason to gossip. And I could use the distraction."

"But… don't you think if you see him…"

"Yes," Roxas answered the unspoken question. "But I can't hide forever."

They continued to watch the sunrise in silence, and then they both rose from their seats and went to their bathrooms to get ready.

* * *

Delicious odors wafted through the kitchen when Roxas dared to peek through the door. To his surprise Kairi was the one standing at the stove; she was busy with pan and spatula, while Naminé and Sora were sitting at the table, both of then staring down at it sullenly. Roxas slowly pushed the door open; only Kairi glanced at him though.

"Hey, finally!" she greeted him cheerfully. "I hope you like French Toast, because that's about the only thing I can cook. I'm not a perfect cook like Sora, but he is still quite tired, so…"

"I'm not really hungry…" Roxas muttered, still hiding behind the door while watching her.

"Bullshit. You barely ate anything all week. And don't even try to deny it, Sora told me." Kairi raised the spatula threateningly when he wanted to protest again. "I know, French Toast is not really the best food after days of abstinence, but it's the only thing I can do. And if you don't eat it out of your own free will, I'll force it down your throat myself, you sissy." She smiled to take the sharp edge out of the words. "Don't think I'll let the perfect opportunity to manhandle you pass. And don't think I can't do that, you're so scrawny even Nami could knock you out cold." She turned her attention to the sizzling pan again. "Geez, you even take longer than Nami in the bathroom, what do you do in there? Make-up?"

"You're such a _tomboy,_" Roxas exclaimed stunned, slowly advancing towards the table and plopping down in his usual seat.

"And you're so gay," Kairi giggled.

"You're a _bitch!_"

"And you're a _girl!_" Kairi laughed and slapped two French Toast onto his plate unceremoniously. "You can throw them up again later if you're scared you could get fat or anything."

Almost against his will Roxas had to smile, shoving his food around on his plate. Now he understood why Axel and Riku kept badmouthing each other… it was quite funny…

Axel…

… who hated him now…

… who wouldn't talk to him again…

Suddenly he did not only not feel hungry anymore; he felt downright sick. The food smelled great, but only looking at it made his stomach churn…

He shoved the plate away, suddenly noticing everybody was staring at him.

Right. Talk.

"I'm so-" he tried to apologize, but Naminé raised a hand. The words got caught in his throat, and he averted his eyes ashamed.

"Listen, Roxas." To his surprise it was Kairi who spoke up again, and the frown on his face deepened. So, Naminé didn't want to talk to him anymore? Well, he should have known…

"You… told us a lot of things last night," Kairi explained hesitatingly, and she sighed. "Things we would never have believed you would do. I mean… we have known you for a few years now, right? And we always thought you were a nice guy, like Sora…"

"But I'm not nice, I…"

"No, now it's your turn to listen, princess," Kairi interrupted and frowned at him. "Of course we knew you had your secrets, I mean, your strange quirk concerning your room… which looks really _nice _by the way… or why you always left our group around eight every evening… Now we know why you did. Sora told us a few things while you were fixing your pretty face in the bathroom. You make a whole lot more sense now."

"_I_ make more sense?" Roxas repeated, even feeling a bit amused at the statement.

"Yeah, pretty much." Kairi brushed her auburn hair back behind her ear. "You were always so quiet. You never talked about any problems you had. I mean… Sora doesn't tell us too much either when he's sad, but he at least shows that he _is_, and then we can try to cheer him up. That was always enough for us, because we knew he would go and talk to you about it if it still bothered him. But you… you never showed how sad or angry you were. You never showed _emotions. _We never knew how much anger you had in you. Really, you're quite a little emoball…"

"A what?" Roxas snorted.

"Oh come on. 'No, don't go to my room, or you can see the blackness of my soul!' How much more emo can you get?" Kairi smirked at Roxas' baffled expression, but quickly grew serious again. "What I want to say is… We accepted your secrets and your little quirks, because we never knew how lost you were. You always put up this smile for us, to assure us everything was all right when really you were suffering because those… people… treated you wrongly. Had we known you needed comfort so much, we would have tried to help. That's maybe what hurts most." She sighed again, looking down at her folded hands on the table. "What you did to all those people from our school was… really not nice, and I personally think it was _really _overdone, and we would have never thought you'd be able to act like that. It was quite shocking to hear it, believe me. But… that you didn't trust us enough to let us try to help… that was even worse. We thought we were _friends, _Roxas."

"That's not the point," Roxas muttered tiredly. "I didn't even tell Sora when I started it."

"That's what he said, yeah," Kairi agreed.

"Why didn't you want us to help, Roxas?" Naminé chimed in quietly, still staring at her hands when Roxas looked at her surprised. "Did you think we would think less of you if we knew you could be angry or sad or scared as well? Did you think you had to be perfect so we would stay?"

Roxas didn't answer, but he was surprised how well her words summed his fears up. He didn't need to answer anyway, because the blonde answered her own questions immediately.

"Of course you were scared we would leave you. Everybody left you somehow, or did they not?" she continued. "Everybody but Sora, even your parents. And you were always alone when we were still little. You always stayed away from us when we were playing with Sora. Didn't you think Sora left you alone back then as well? Is this why you were so scared of letting us come near you?"

Again Roxas didn't answer, but he slowly laid both hands over his mouth to hide how much his lips trembled. He looked down, hoping his bangs would hide his teary eyes.

"I think it is. Somehow you still seem to believe you have to do everything on your own," Naminé mused, and now her sapphire eyes fell on him. He could see it when he glanced up briefly. "But that's not true. We are your friends, Roxas. We accept you, with all of your flaws and insecurities. Because we know your good sides as well."

"What good sides?" Roxas growled under his breath. "I don't have good sides."

"Oh yes, you do," Kairi disagreed smiling. "You're just too busy seeing the bad ones to notice them."

"But how can you see them if I don't?" he hissed.

"Right now you are just down because so much happened lately," Naminé said calmingly. "You kept everything to yourself for so long, it's only natural. With all the stress you had because of Axel, it's not surprising you broke down like you did on Tuesday."

"I'm surprised you didn't collapse sooner," Kairi added. "You're stronger than you think."

"But that's not the point right now," Naminé continued, and Roxas looked up again when she gently took his hand. "The point is that we still want to be your friends, Roxas. If you let us."

"Why?" Roxas whispered confused.

"Because you're fun to be around, you dork," Kairi chuckled.

"And because we think we neglected you." Naminé sighed. "We won't pressure you to anything. You don't have to change. You don't have to start talking about your problems. But we know now you are not as well as you wanted us to believe, and hopefully we'll realize if you're not feeling well sooner from now on."

"But…"

"One condition though," Naminé added quietly. "You know what you did to all those people was wrong. You know it was stupid, and it was unnecessary. You have to promise that you won't ever do it again, regardless how much they annoy you."

"If they annoy you, you just tell us, and I'll beat them up for you," Kairi offered smirking. She giggled when Roxas stuck his tongue out at her.

"I… stopped," Roxas finally admitted, and now the smile on his face didn't even feel wrong anymore. "Right the day when…" And now it was over again. "… when… Riku… and the others joined us." Damn. He couldn't even say his _name _anymore. "I… promised to Sora I would stop doing it just the morning before. I just… did it a few times again… after the… party…"

"Oh yes… when Axel attacked you…" Kairi nodded understandingly. "You must have been very angry because of that… But… _Why _did Axel even freak out like that back then?" she asked thoughtfully, tipping a finger against her chin. "It's strange… sometimes he's just so jumpy… Did he tell you why?"

Roxas braced his head in his hands, closing his eyes and heaving a shuddering breath.

"We know why," Sora answered instead. "But we promised not to tell." He sighed. "No, Kairi, you don't even want to know."

"You know… we heard what he yelled back then… it sounded like…" Kairi trailed off when Roxas gasped loudly and hid his face in his arms. "Oh my God…"

"You mean… he…" Naminé also asked, but trailed off as well when she noticed both twins' grim expressions.

"We _can't _tell," Sora repeated slowly. "And you _can't _ask him or the others what happened. You don't want to know, believe me."

"Oh my," Naminé muttered taken aback.

"O-kay…" Kairi mumbled slowly, then she glanced at her watch. "We… should get going anyway."

"Right," Naminé agreed, again petting Roxas' hand. "Do you really want to go to school today?"

"Have to," Roxas whispered, and that was all he was able to say anymore. Fear cut off his air; he was barely able to fend off the panic, which was clouding his mind. He was in a daze when they left the mansion, and he never let go of his brother's hand when they walked to school.

* * *

At least Naminé and Kairi weren't mad at him; he kept telling himself that he had to fight the anxiety that was slowly but surely knotting his innards and turned his breaths into hectic pants. Sora was with him, and he would always be there; and…

… everything was forgotten when he laid eyes on the redhead sitting in the back of his class.

He couldn't do it! Not yet! He couldn't stand it, all the shame and guilt and hate and… Oh no, Axel would look at him every moment now, and he would still be angry, and Roxas would break down and cry in front of all these people, and…

"Mr. Harada… Mr. Harada," a deep voice greeted them, and Roxas' head whipped around, and he stared at their teacher wide-eyed. His hand closed even tighter around Sora's, and he heard his brother hiss before Sora pulled his hand away. "And Miss Hine… Miss Hibiki… You realize the lesson started three minutes ago, don't you?"

"Of course," Naminé said and smiled apologetically.

"We had to get Roxas' meds from the drug store. He was sick, you know," Kairi added and smiled as well, lightly petting Roxas' shoulder. "Had an awful fever yesterday, the poor guy."

"Sorry, Mr. Xemnas," Sora apologized sheepishly, gently nudging Roxas, who had troubles finding his voice again.

"Sick, you say?" Mr. Xemnas' amber eyes moved, sending a hard glare in Roxas' direction. "Well. You surely look pale today," he stated, narrowing his eyes and nodding. "You may sit down. But I _will _report you being late."

"I'm sorry, Mr. Xemnas," Roxas whispered shakily, unconsciously playing with his wristband to occupy his trembling hands.

"You realize 'being sick' is no excuse to be late?" Mr. Xemnas asked sternly, still glaring at him. "Either you are sick enough to justify staying at home, or you are not and go to school. There is no in between."

"Yes, sir. I'm really sorry," Roxas answered, looking down. "It won't happen again."

"Hm." The teacher nodded, his silvery gray hair falling over his shoulders. "Well. Maybe I will change my mind about reporting you. Sit down. I don't want to hear a word from either of you, am I understood?"

"Yes sir," the four of them mumbled and moved to their seats, sitting down obediently.

Roxas' heart was racing, his hands sweaty when he sat down. His vision seemed frayed around the edges; he felt a little bit dizzy too. But he couldn't help it; his eyes moved of their own accord, peering at the redhead sitting next to him.

Axel was staring at the front of the class; his eyes were fixed on their teacher, who had just started drawling about this one book or another, obviously listening intently. He didn't even try to look at Roxas. His expression was blank, unreadable.

Roxas didn't know if he should be relieved or worried. He sure was relieved, Axel didn't look at him; he doubted he would have been able to stay sane if the redhead looked at him now. But at the same time he wanted Axel to at least acknowledge him so desperately, even if it was only an angry glare…

But Axel never looked at him. Bright green eyes stayed fixed at their teacher.

Roxas' heart sank. It was like in his dream; his heart felt as if it was on fire, and for a moment he could feel every single scar on it. He doubted he would have felt anything if somebody hit him right now. The emotional pain seemed to drown out everything else. Even his teacher's voice sounded dull, and the sunshine, which was falling through the window, didn't seem quite as bright as usual.

"… the accuracy, the precision of his speech," he heard Mr. Xemnas drawl on. "The author writes brilliantly. He is only a bit older than you are, ladies and gentlemen, and yet his way with words is unbelievably mature. He catches the distress as well as the overwhelming relief the characters experience. It is a modern fairytale, playing in the perfect world of Hollow Bastion, or Radiant Garden, as he preferres to call it; but it is also an analysis of the human soul. The virtuous description of the main character's fears of loss and loneliness only adds to…"

And then Roxas heard why Mr. Xemnas had stopped talking so suddenly. Quiet snickering… and it came from right next to him…

Suddenly Axel threw his head back and laughed loudly, amusement and hysteria both laced in his voice as he kept on laughing.

"What is it, Mr. Kouen?" Mr. Xemnas asked coldly, scowling at the laughing redhead in the back row.

"Fuck," Axel gasped and took in a deep breath, wiping his eyes. "'Perfect world of Hollow Bastion'… Wow, that just made about my fucking _week_…"

"Care to enlighten us, Mr. Kouen?" the teacher queried, still staying calm.

"That's about the biggest load of bullshit I have ever heard," Axel explained smirking, ignoring worried whispers and gasps when Mr. Xemnas' expression darkened. "The prick who wrote this shit never set foot in the Southern Districts. He doesn't know what 'distress' _is. _I mean, look at his name! John Clayton, _Lord _Greystoke! His parents have a fucking _mansion _in the Castle District, and he is one of those fucking rich emo kids who feel misunderstood by the world. He… He ran away from home once, and do you know how long he lasted? Two days! Two fucking days! He had this dream to run away and live on his own in the jungle or something, ran away and took the next train to Deep Jungle, and he only lasted _two fricken days_ before he checked in at the most expensive hotel there!"

With every word his voice grew louder and sharper, and the smirk on his lips gave way to a furious glare. To Roxas' surprise Mr. Xemnas didn't interrupt him; no, he actually seemed to listen quite interested.

"He has no idea about what he writes!" Axel ranted on, his pale cheeks flushed by anger and his eyes flashing dangerously. "He writes as if the only problems in Hollow Bastion, or," he snorted amused, "'Radiant Garden', _as he preferrs to call it_, were too little pocket money and being grounded, and parents who don't buy you a car for your eighteenth birthday! He has _no right _to write about loss and loneliness! He doesn't know anything about the _real '_Radiant Garden'! He doesn't know the side of 'Radiant Garden' where people _always _called it Hollow Bastion, even before the Keyblade Wars! He doesn't know the side of the city that is never shown in the movies and that's never described in books! People _die _in the streets there, children starve, and nobody cares! They disappear, and nobody sheds a tear, because everybody is too busy surviving themselves! Police never sets foot in the Southern Districts! What for? Nobody there could bribe them anyway, so why even bother? Children lose their parents and their whole family there, and then they are sent to an orphanage, where the other children beat them up, because they don't like how they look at them… and that's if they are _lucky! _People are mugged on the streets, or… or they are kidnapped and kept imprisoned in dark basements for _months, _and… they…"

Slowly the words died on his lips; Axel paled, his eyes suddenly widening and his hands touching his throat as if he had a hard time to breathe properly. His quivering lips still moved, but no sound escaped them; he seemed to look right through Mr. Xemnas all of sudden.

"Mr. Kouen?" Mr. Xemnas was still frowning, but a hint of worry tinged his deep voice now. Suddenly Axel doubled over, one hand covering his mouth, the other one holding his stomach.

"I… I think… I'm gonna be sick…" the redhead mumbled through his fingers. Then he jumped up and left the classroom in a hurry. Roxas could hear a door banging shut further down the hallway.

For only a second his body was frozen in place, his hands clamped around the edge of his desk. Then, without thinking, he leapt to his feet as well.

"Mr. Xemnas… sir… Can I…" he stuttered, immediately making a dash for the door when their teacher nodded and gestured towards the door.

"Make sure he pays the nurse a visit!" Mr. Xemnas bellowed when Roxas fled the room, but Roxas didn't hear him. His mind was not working properly anymore; the only thing that mattered to him was making sure that Axel was all right. For a moment he didn't care that Axel hated him, and he wasn't scared of angry looks and hurtful words, he just wanted to make sure the redhead wasn't experiencing another flashback.

He cautiously peeked inside the bathroom and sighed when he caught a glimpse of red at the opposite wall. Axel was sitting on the tiled floor, the balls of his hands pressed to his eyes, panting hectically. When he heard the door creaking the redhead jumped and lowered his hands; his eyes weren't empty or out of focus, and Roxas dared to heave a sigh of relief. He closed the door behind himself, but lowered his gaze when a hard glare was directed at him.

"Are you o-…" he started, but bit his lip when he was instantly interrupted.

"Shut up," Axel hissed venomously. "Shut _the fuck_ up."

Roxas nodded, feeling tears gathering in his eyes. He didn't look up or move, just leaned against the door. He should have expected that. No, he deserved worse than that.

From the corners of his eyes he watched Axel get up slowly. The redhead stepped to the nearest sink and splashed some water into his face, still panting for air frantically; he groaned softly, holding his head in his hands, massaging his temples.

"I'm _not _okay," he finally whispered, still bent over the sink. "Do I _look _like I'm okay? I'm not okay. I'm… I'm so_ tired_…" He sobbed once, straightened and turned around, wiping his eyes with both hands. "I can't afford breaking down now… Demy still needs me, and Riku… he finally believes me when… when I say I'm getting better… I can't…" He sighed again and ran both hands through his hair, his eyes taking on the cold, guarded expression once more.

When he glared at Roxas again, the blond turned his head to stare at one of the mirrors, inspecting his own appearance. Not too bad, considering the situation, he thought. He was really pale, like Mr. Xemnas had remarked earlier; his usual light tan was gone, but at least his eyes didn't look weird or teary or anything.

"Do you think like that about me as well?" He knew he had been the one who had said it, because he saw his reflection moving its lips; he had no clue why he had said it though. Maybe just to change the topic, so Axel could be angry at him instead of remembering his obvious distress.

"What do you mean?" Axel asked tiredly.

"Do you think I'm one of those fucking rich emo kids who live in a mansion and don't know what loneliness is?" Roxas continued softly. "Like that guy who wrote the book? Do you think I don't know other problems than too little pocket money? Do you think I'm like that?"

For a while everything was silent apart from a dripping water tap; then Roxas could hear the redhead uttering an irritated hiss.

"No," Axel answered, and he still sounded upset. "I didn't think like that about you as well. Now I don't know what to think anymore."

Roxas just nodded. He could understand that. Hell, he didn't know what to think about _himself _anymore.

"Did you cross me out yet?" Axel suddenly asked quietly, and Roxas couldn't help but stare at him, surprised about the sudden change of topic.

"W… What?" he asked weakly.

"All the pictures… the ones in your room," Axel snarled, wrinkling his nose. "They were crossed out. Did you cross me out as well? Have I already joined your bizarre… gallery of tested _idiots_?"

"What?" Roxas repeated shocked. He hadn't thought Axel had noticed…

"How could I be so _naïve _and actually believe I was _special_?" Axel growled furiously, whirling around to punch the tiled wall hard, then grabbing one of the open cabin doors and slammed it shut so forcefully Roxas jumped and pressed his back harder against the door behind him. "I was just another moron who fell for your little show, _right_?" He kicked the next door and balled his hands into tight fists.

"No!" Roxas cried, watching the raging redhead with wide eyes. Fear seemed to clutch his stomach and squash it slowly. "You were… You _are _not like them! You _are _special! I lo-…"

"If you tell me you _love _me now, I swear to God I will leave Destiny Islands and go back to Hollow Bastion!" Axel yelled, glaring at Roxas again. "How many of _them _did you tell the same? Do the words still have _any _meaning to you?"

"But I never… I _never _told…"

"I'm so goddamned _tired _of your fucking lies!"

"It wasn't a lie!" Roxas screamed, still fighting to keep his feelings at bay. "I _never _told them something like this! You are the only one…"

"And _how _should I know that you're not lying _now_?" Axel demanded, and Roxas immediately shut his mouth.

"You can't know," he finally answered, his voice almost breaking more than once. "You'd have to… trust me." He grinned mirthlessly, looking down at his feet. "But I guess that would be a bit too much to ask, huh?"

No answer. An uneasy, tense silence filled the room; Roxas could only hear Axel's labored breathing.

"I should have known," the redhead finally muttered, and Roxas closed his eyes in defeat.

"You should have known what?" he whispered, but no answer ever came. He kept his eyes closed when he felt Axel push him out of the way. Even this brief contact felt like the redhead didn't really _want _to touch him, and Roxas couldn't help the lone tear rolling down his cheek. He only opened his eyes when he heard the door behind him close, looking up to the ceiling and sniffing quietly while wiping his eyes. Then he left the bathroom as well.

"I should have known you were too perfect to be true."

He barely caught the whispered words; he doubted Axel had noticed he had already opened the door a gap. The redhead was leaning against the wall next to the bathroom door, staring down the hallway. Roxas pushed the door open, but Axel only glanced at him when he noticed him.

"Xemnas sent you after me, right?" he grunted, nodding into the direction of the classroom.

For a moment Roxas was tempted to deny it. But somehow he doubted this would be what Axel would want to hear right now. So he just nodded.

"H-He said… you should see the nurse…" he stammered, surprised he managed to talk at all; but Axel only scoffed at him and turned to walk away. Roxas followed him dejectedly, solely focusing on not bursting into tears. He had thought he had been hurt before? Well, now he was _mortally _wounded.

Nobody seemed to pay them attention when they sneaked back into the classroom; their teacher only nodded at them and pointed to their seats without pausing his lecture. Nobody dared to speak up for the remains of this lesson, but about twenty pairs of eyes kept being fixed on the back row, watching the quarreling lovebirds.

Roxas was too tired to care anymore.

* * *

Trust. What a strange word. It had a nice sound to it; yet Roxas couldn't pinpoint its exact meaning.

It was obvious he had some issues when it came to trusting other people. Take his friends for example: Like Naminé and Kairi had pointed out to him this morning, he hadn't been able to trust them enough to talk to them about his problems. The only one he really trusted was his twin. His parents? No, definitely not. He even doubted they remembered his birthday; he would _never _tell them anything important. He simply didn't know them well enough.

But Axel had trust issues as well; he had told Roxas himself, hadn't he? And yet he had told him one of his deepest secrets. Roxas still didn't get what he had done to gain this trust, but he knew it had felt nice… that someone put so much faith in him. Nice. Yeah.

Of course he had fucked it up. But it _had _felt nice.

When Naminé and Kairi asked him if he and Axel had had a fight, his first instinct was to smile and deny it. But as soon as he realized what he was doing; that he tried to lie to them, that he tried to hide again; he just nodded and whispered that they had, but that the girls could not help him now. They accepted his wish to be alone, but had reminded him that he could talk to them if he wanted to.

When Sora asked him if he could do anything to help, he denied it as well. No, really; he had managed to drive the redhead away on his own. It was his own fault. And no, he was not okay; but right now he _couldn't _be okay, and that was all right.

Axel didn't talk to him at all. He didn't even look at him anymore.

Roxas spent lunch break outside, all alone. He didn't want to see anybody. Right now he felt horrible, but at the same time the pain felt strangely dull, subdued. Now he could still deal with it. He didn't know if he would be later, when he finally _fully _realized what had happened; that it was _over_, but now… now he could still deal with it. He didn't feel the need to cry, and he didn't want to hide at home anymore; he just wanted to sit in the grass near the sports field all alone and watch the clouds in the sky, ignoring his body's demands for nourishment. The longer he lay there; a strange sense of serenity seemed to wash over him completely.

The afternoon lessons consisted of sports. Mr. Strife decided they'd just play a nice, relaxed round of soccer. Again Roxas ignored his body, which was already weakened because it had been more than two days now since he had last eaten anything; he ran and ran and ran until he was completely out of breath, and then he ran some more, until his lungs screamed for air and his legs felt like jelly. He only stopped when he was fouled, and he stayed like that for a moment, sprawled out on the grass, trying to catch his breath again. His gaze wandered over to the tribune, where Axel, Demyx and Zexion were watching as usual. Zexion and Demyx both seemed pretty worried, but Roxas didn't mind them. But when he saw the tiniest hint of worry flashing over Axel's face, he leaped to his feet again and proceeded to play. Sora as well as Riku and even Hayner asked him if he was okay; even Mr. Strife told him to take a break, but Roxas only laughed at them and told them he'd be fine. He didn't know for sure that he would be; but he thought he would. He _hoped _he would.

And after school he went to his room, and he removed the crossed out drawings. One by one he took them off the pin board, throwing them into a basket after looking at them for a while. There really were many, he mused. Probably even more than the two-hundred and eighty-seven who wrote the letters. He took them down to the beach, where he started a small fire, and then threw them into the flames, watching them burn. Sometime later Sora joined him; he didn't ask what he was doing, and Roxas told him to burn the rest of them with him.

"Are you really…" Sora started after they had emptied the basket, but interrupted himself. He sighed. "Can I do _anything _to help?"

"No," Roxas answered, staring into the fire. "Not yet."

"You _will _tell me if there is anything I can do, right?" Sora whispered brokenly, and Roxas smiled at him and laid an arm around his twin, pulling him closer.

"Of course I will," he replied gently, his smile growing sadder when he noticed Sora had started to cry. "No, Sora, don't…"

"I should never have forced you to make that stupid promise," Sora muttered and sniffled, running a gloved hand over his wet cheek while keeping his eyes fixed on the fire. "It's all my…"

"It's not your fault," Roxas disagreed sharply, and Sora winced at his harsh tone, glancing at him from the corners of his eyes. "I would have done it anyway eventually. I would have felt too guilty to keep it from him forever."

"But…"

"And don't you dare to let this get between you and Riku," Roxas added, looking out at the calm sea. "You can tell him about it, if you want."

"_But…_"

"No, really, I don't care anymore. I doubt he would be so unfair to blame you for my mistakes. He doesn't have to like me, right?"

"Yes he does!" Sora cried out, turning to look at Roxas properly. "I can't be with a guy who doesn't like my little brother…"

"But you love him," Roxas stated and petted Sora's head when his brother stared at him stunned. "Why don't you invite him over?"

"What?" Sora exclaimed confused. "But…"

"You look like you could use someone to cheer you up," Roxas interrupted him and smiled again. "I can't do that today, sorry."

"Roxy, stop that," Sora replied gently; then he sighed deeply. "You are the one who needs to be cheered up."

"Maybe," Roxas agreed lightly, still smiling. "But not yet. It's too early."

"You're scaring me," Sora whispered miserably.

"I didn't mean to scare you," Roxas said, standing up and brushing sand from his clothes. "I'm sorry. I want to go to my room now… But you really should invite Riku over. We'll talk tomorrow, okay?"

He didn't wait for an answer, but strolled up to the house, running to his room. He sat down at his desk, examining the now empty pin board, thinking, but not thinking at the same time. He did let his thoughts wander, but didn't really think about anything in particular…

He turned on the light when darkness crept into his room. Lost in thought he finally walked over to the door next to his desk, opening it; the small room behind it was dark, and he turned on the light, walking over to a black cabinet. He opened the lowest drawer and pulled out a few things, carrying them over to his room, then returned to get a folder out of one of the upper drawers.

Back at his desk he opened the folder and pulled out some drawings. They were fairly new; Roxas had drawn them… hm… five months ago? Sounded about right… Well, at least he had colored them five months ago. Only with colored pencils though. He was too messy with paint or anything else.

He wasn't as much of an artist as Naminé, that's for sure; the only thing he could draw really well was faces. But he enjoyed drawing, and even Naminé had praised his portraits. She had said he got the expressions just right. And the eyes. He really enjoyed drawing eyes.

Ah, there was Sora… there was Naminé… Kairi… Hayner… Pence… Olette… Selphie… Wakka… Tidus. Oh. Even his parents. He couldn't remember drawing those… But he had gotten them right, he thought. His mother's blue eyes both him and Sora had inherited, and her wheat blonde hair which fell over her shoulders in curls, and her pouty lips and small nose; his father's deep brown eyes and dark brown hair, his aristocratic features. Yes… as far as he could remember, even the proud, almost haughty expression on both their serious faces fit them just right.

He sighed; then he stood and climbed onto his desk, grabbing the drawings and pinning them to the board carefully. Now, that was much better. Better than accusing, scribbled over drawings of people he barely knew.

He sat back on the chair and grabbed his sketchbook; Naminé had given it to him once, along with a box of colored pencils.

He started with Demyx; even though he had difficulties finding the right shade for his eyes… not really green, but also not blue, and not turquoise… he had to try a lot until the shade satisfied him, and until he got his hair right. He drew him smiling; all of his other friends were smiling as well, and Demyx had a very natural, beautiful smile.

The next one was Zexion; he smiled as well, but he seemed to try to hide it, like he did most of the time. Roxas debated drawing him without his scar for a moment, but opted for letting his hair cover his face, like it always did. It was a part of him anyway. The only problem here was getting the shade of his hair right. Dark blue, yes, but sometimes it seemed lighter, or more gray than blue… But he also accomplished this task after lots of trying and shading.

Riku was difficult; he seemed more thoughtful than his friends, and his hair was impossible to draw. The color alone, silver, almost white, and the shiny look it always had to it… But he managed to draw him as well, and even Riku had a small smile on his lips, staring to the side thoughtfully while brushing his hair out of his face.

But the hardest one was Axel. It was almost like his hand refused to do what he wanted. He wanted to draw almond-shaped eyes, but not even on paper could he stand their accusing gaze; so he drew them looking to the side. He wanted to draw his usual, amused smirk, but it didn't seem right, so he drew thin lips drawn up in a wistful smile instead. He wasn't satisfied how the shape of his face came out, nor did he appreciate the spiky hair he drew; nothing seemed to fit right.

For a moment he wanted to give up, looking out to the starry sky… then he closed his eyes. He just had to remember…

He sighed dreamily, and a sad smile spread over his face; he thought of fire, bathing the beach in red, and a lithe figure dancing gracefully around the merrily crackling flames, happy laughter rising to the darkening sky. He thought of shy kisses and stolen touches, and a happy smile…

_You are mine, got it memorized?_

And suddenly it was easy. He only had to think about this time at the beach, after Riku had told him about his brothers, when he had found Axel… he only had to think about the kiss they had shared, he only had to think about how beautiful the redhead had been when they had watched the sunset together. It was easy to draw him now; eyes still not looking at him, but at the far horizon, and a small smile on his lips. Now it was easy to get the shape of his eyes right, and his hair, and his face, and… everything just seemed right, and every color fit perfectly.

But… as soon as the picture was finished, he got the feeling that the redhead wasn't looking at the horizon … but rather at _someone_.

Trust. The word had a nice sound to it, but nobody seemed to realize how important the word really was.

It had felt nice to be trusted, Roxas thought. It had felt nice… because it had made their relationship seem more _complete_. Passion. Need. Love. No, those could never suffice without trust, without faith. They were _necessary_, but not _enough_.

A new shape took form on a blank sheet of paper…

She would be fourteen now. Her face would be rounder, her nose smaller, her lips fuller, and her eyes bigger… yet her features would be similarly fair. Her smile would be sweet and beautiful, but it would have an impish, playful streak to it and resemble her brother's a lot. Her hair would be long; maybe even down to her waist, and full and flowing and falling over her slender shoulders gracefully.

Her hair would be red, like fire, like a sunset, but her skin pale; those traits she and her brother would have in common. But Roxas' hand hovered over the colored pencils for a moment when only the eyes were left to color. Briefly he touched a green one, but it didn't feel right. No, not green. _Blue_. Her eyes would be blue, cerulean, the rich shade of the summer sky above the sea.

When the last picture was finished, Roxas stared at it for a long time. He forced his hand to stay still when he finally wrote something underneath it. Two words. A name.

_Ariel Kouen._

* * *

The next thing he knew was that he jumped off his skateboard, and that it was still dark. He couldn't remember going out of his room, not to mention leaving the house. Hell, he didn't even know when he had gotten his skateboard from the small storage room in the basement. He hadn't used it in years now…

His mind seemed to fail him more often lately… Lack of sleep, maybe?

He looked down dazedly, then bent down to pick up his skateboard. Only then he noticed that his other hand was already occupied. It was a file he clutched with his left hand; it was made out of strong cardboard, black, with golden ornaments around the edges. He remembered what was inside. Yes, he remembered getting the folder out of his mother's office and putting its current content into it…

Then he looked up and remembered where he was. And what he had to do.

He knew the house; he had been here once. He threw the skateboard over the fence and climbed over it, not bothering to search for the gate in the darkness. He was surprised to find light falling out of one of the windows. His feet moved automatically to bring him to this window, and his mind was still too numbed to comply.

When he sneaked a peek inside, his eyes were immediately drawn to red. Had he thought his heart could not break anymore? He had been wrong.

No, there were no tears; and yet Roxas felt the urge to cry when he saw how dejected the redhead's appearance was. His expression wasn't desperate or scared, just sad; his eyes were closed, and he appeared calm. Yet, there was something in his stance that made the night air hitch in Roxas', all too sudden, tight throat. He was sitting on a chair at the kitchen table, his hands folded as if he was engrossed in a prayer, long fingers intertwined. He seemed so… defeated. So lost. So alone. There was still strength, there was still so much determination, and yet he seemed more vulnerable than ever. Not even flashbacks and horrid memories had ever made him seem this frail to Roxas. Oh, he seemed calm on the outside; but Roxas didn't need to see his eyes to tell how hurt Axel was. Nobody was with him in the room, and for a moment Roxas was angry that the others didn't seem to care about Axel at all.

_They probably don't even know. He probably didn't tell them. He probably didn't want them to worry._

And it had been Roxas himself, who had made Axel so sad. It was because of him that…

Roxas moved away from the window, sneaking through the small garden to the back porch. Light fell through the glass door, illuminated wood and grass. Roxas laid the file down right in front of the door. And a second later he knocked, seeing Axel jump inside. When green eyes opened, he quickly pulled the hood of his dark jacket over his head and stepped back, hid in the shadows around the house. Only when he was sure nobody would see him he stopped, watching silently.

The door opened, and Axel looked around confused. Roxas held his breath when emerald eyes swept over him, but Axel didn't seem to notice the boy hidden in the shadows behind the bushes. And then Axel looked down and noticed the file.

It took him a few seconds to pick it up; Roxas could see even from his place the redhead's hands were trembling and that his eyes were wide. He opened the file.

A strangled moan wrung itself from his throat, and slowly he sank to his knees, leaning against the doorframe, one hand covering his mouth, staring at the drawing. Then he closed his eyes, resting his head against the doorframe and starting to cry while holding the file close to his chest. Two drawings were fastened to the cardboard inside, one on each side; Roxas knew now why he had had the feeling that the redhead on his drawing was looking at someone else when he had finished the drawing. He had known it as soon as he had finished the second one. Two drawings were in the folder, and Axel seemed to be smiling at his sister this way.

Roxas couldn't watch any longer. He tried to be quiet, but could hear his own steps and faint rustling when he moved to the front of the house again.

"_ROXAS! I know you're there!_" he suddenly heard an all too familiar voice cry out shrilly. He couldn't tell if it was an angry cry or a desperate one. "_Come back here! Roxas!_"

But he didn't. He climbed over the fence once more and threw the skateboard to the ground, leaving as quickly as possible. He couldn't look back.

But he prayed to every god he could think of, that Axel would remember how much he had trusted Roxas only days ago.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** AND NOW GO ON AND HATE ME FOR LEAVING YOU LIKE THAT AGAIN!! HAHAAAAAAAA!!

Cliffies seem to get out of control... But there is no other way to cut the chapters, they get so freakin' long already. Sorry! But this is more of a filler chapter anyway. Hopefully I'll have more time to write again the next days, so I can finish the next one soon... Oh, that one will be crucial!

Well, anyway, if you want to, review! If not, then not. But don't expect me to update in less than two weeks again, because I'm going to start two new stories, and my studying schedule is packed. And I absolutely refuse to rush my writing. The quality of it has become bad enough as it is (and don't tell me otherwise, I won't believe you anyway! Damnit!). Damn, I have to take more time to reword a few phrases next time... Limited vocabulary sucks!

But anyway! Until next time then! And thanks for reviewing in advance! Hehe.


	24. Chapter 23

**Summary:** His life had always been perfect, or at least so Roxas had liked to think. But overcoming his own fears for someone else isn't as easy as it seems. When both his own and his lover's past threatens their unstable relationship, Roxas has to face the truth: His life was far from perfect. But at least it was better than Axel's.

**Warnings:** I can't really think of anything to warn you about here...

**Pairings:** AkuRoku main, RikuxSora, ZexionxDemyx side pairings. Possible LeonxCloud later on. Much, much later though.

**Disclaimer:** Hm, yeah, no. The characters do not belong to me. But neither do they belong to you! Haha!

**Chapter Dedication:** **Kuraieshi**, and **kotilo**, and **Riku-stalker**, and **Kawaii-Gaara-Chan**. Oh, and both Kuraieshi and Kawaii-Gaara-Chan did fanart for me; check my profile for the links. You have to take a look! They are amazing...

**Thanks to:** Well. Do you remember how I said I wouldn't allow unsigned reviews a few chapters ago? I guess I changed my mind. I'll allow them, because it's really not necessary to create an account here solely to review. But I'll keep answering the signed ones, and they will be mentioned here as well. Just like:

**apjon, August Blue, CaramellDansen, Ellipsis the Great, Emerald Eyes of Flame, HarrylovesDraco, Juukai, KateIsOn, Kawaii Shu-Chan, Kuin Sakano, Luna Calamity, Moliski, murdermachine007, RyshieTwilight, Ryulane, Sarie Bear, starlightfallen, SummonWolf, Superemily, Teh Kitsune, The Odd Dreamer, xNai-chanx**

Well, I think those were all for now. Thank you guys very much for your sweet reviews! And of course everybody else who reviewed as well.

But now: Have fun!

* * *

**Perfect Match - Chapter 23**

Friday mornings had never been Roxas' favorites, but today he was whistling while rummaging through the kitchen. A few hours ago he had brought the folder over to Axel's house. His skateboard was safely hidden in the storage room again, and all the drawings (safe for Ariel's and Axel's) were pinned to the pin board; and since he couldn't sleep anyway, he had decided to make breakfast. Only for his brother and Riku of course (he had noticed the silver haired boy's jacket in the living room). He doubted he would be able keep his own food down.

Oh, he wasn't a great cook like Sora, but come on; pancakes weren't really that hard to make. And so he cooked, and he whistled merrily while he did, to keep himself from thinking too much.

But thinking seemed to be impossible right now anyway. It was strange; he felt eerily hollow and empty, but kept thinking about trivial things like homework or which clothes he would wear for school today, or other… stuff. Every time his thoughts wandered to a certain redhead or threatened to grow too dark in any other way, he would busy himself until he was too occupied to think altogether, and then he would think of stupid small things again.

Oh, he wondered why Riku had been here all night… Oh, right, he had told Sora to invite Riku over, hadn't he? Well… had Sora already told Riku about his hands? Probably not. Really, Sora had been a kid, he hadn't known what he had been doing, he had just been so _upset_… Roxas just didn't understand why Sora still didn't want anybody to know… _Too dark, too dark, too dark…_

Hm. Had he finished his math homework already? Oh, right, he had wanted to borrow Pence's notes for that, his own seemed quite fragmentary lately…

He looked up when he heard the kitchen door swing open, interrupting his unimportant thoughts for a moment. A flash of silver attracted his attention, and he somehow managed not to falter under an intense, aquamarine glare.

"Hey, Riku," he greeted the older boy, smiling at him sweetly. "Hungry? Do you want some coffee, I just made…"

"Morning," Riku greeted back stiffly, frowning at him thoughtfully. "Are you feeling well?"

"So Sora didn't tell you," Roxas said and nodded, turning his attention to the pancakes again. Well, interesting. He had really thought Sora would tell him. Hadn't _he_ told Sora to tell Riku about it the evening before? He was pretty sure he had… Sora had kept his secret for way too long anyway…

"Oh, he _did_," Riku disagreed, still not moving. "He told me everything about your… 'experiments', I think that's what he called them. But I was asking if you were feeling alright."

O-kay. _Now_ Roxas was confused. If Sora had told him… why wasn't he angry now? Why did he still talk to Roxas? Roxas wouldn't want to talk to himself if he had learned what he had done…

"I'm fine, thank you," he answered without thinking too much about it. It was so much _easier_ that way. _Just. Don't. Think. _

"So that's what your face looks like when you lie," Riku mumbled, nodding to himself now. "You're really good at hiding…"

"What do you…"

"Save it," Riku interrupted him, but not unkindly. He even smiled a little. "You know, when you try to hide your own problems from everybody else for most of your life, you get pretty good at seeing other people doing the same. I just never knew _why_ you tried to hide…"

"Oh, did you notice Sora's problem as well then?" Roxas asked, and he regretted the words as soon as they passed his lips. He looked away quickly, trying to avoid Riku's gaze. Damn. Now that was really none of his business… Why had he even said that? Probably to change the topic and divert the discussion from his own problems…

"_That_," Riku replied very slowly, his voice softening so much Roxas could barely understand him anymore, "is only between your brother and me. If Sora doesn't tell you what we talk about, I surely won't do it either. Besides, we're talking about _you_ right now."

For a short moment Roxas contemplated not to answer and tell Riku it was none of his business, to ignore any questions and just act as if nothing was wrong. He had a feeling Riku _would_ leave him alone if he asked. But it wouldn't feel right. No. Maybe it was part of his punishment, to not be able to ignore questions anymore without feeling… feeling… _fake_.

"What did Sora tell you?" Roxas asked after what seemed like an eternity filled with uncomfortable silence, and now even the last trace of faked cheerfulness was gone. Only emptiness remained. Not thinking didn't seem to work anymore, now that so many people knew about his experiments. Well, he should have known… He wouldn't get out of this situation so easily. He _would_ have to talk about it, even though _thinking_ about it made him feel slightly nauseous. What should he say? There was no excuse for what he had done. No, if anybody asked him _why_ he had done it, he would have no apologies, no explanation. He would have to endure the accusing looks and the _questions_; he had just been lucky that Sora and Naminé and Kairi had been so forgiving, so understanding. Not everybody would act like that. Of course many people would condemn him. Axel did, didn't he? Why should Riku be different? And still, there he was, leaning against the doorframe with his arms crossed in front of his chest, and he was… _smiling_. Again. And it was startling, to tell the truth.

"He told me about Alicia," Riku said, still smiling so strangely. "And about all the drawings. And the people behind the drawings. And he… _tried_ to tell me why _he_ thought you did it. Test those people, I mean."

"Hm…" Roxas nodded again, then turned off the stove and flipped the last pancake out of the pan. He knew what would come next. And he really didn't need the kitchen to burn down after Riku… knocked him out or something. "So?"

"I don't _hate_ you now, if that was what you were thinking," Riku replied slowly. "Sora thought you might think I would. Well, I don't." Roxas looked up abruptly, frowning confused; well, apparently he didn't know what was coming now. He had believed Riku's answer would be quite… different. _'You're disgusting' _or _'Stay away from my friends, you freak!_'; something along those lines. It would fit Riku's, sometimes overprotective, personality better.

But Riku just sat down at the table calmly, folding his hands, the strange, sad smile on his face never wavering. "I don't care about all those people, whose hearts you've supposedly broken," he explained. "Maybe they deserved it. Who am I to judge? Sora believes they hurt you in some way. And… he thinks that you hurt yourself by breaking their hearts. He said you've suffered enough. And he told me you stopped doing it a while ago anyway." He shrugged, but then he sighed. "But I really doubt Axel will see it that way."

"He doesn't," Roxas muttered, avoiding the silver-haired boy's calm gaze. He could still hear the redhead yelling at him… _I was just another moron who fell for your little show, right? _That's what he had said. "Believe me, he doesn't."

"I know," Riku agreed quietly. "He's been acting strange lately. And I… saw him reading those… _letters_. They seemed to upset him more than the flashback, that he almost had a few days ago. I tried to distract and cheer him up a few times, but he just told me to get the fuck out of his room… and when I asked him what was wrong he almost started to _cry_, and he _begged_ me to leave him alone. Do you know how difficult that is? To see him so… _weak_?"

"I know," Roxas whispered, closing his eyes. Suddenly he had to think of Axel, who was kneeling at the back door and clutching the drawings of himself and his sister to his chest, crying silently. To think _Roxas_ was the reason for the redhead to act like this… Oh, the thought was _unbearable_.

"It's easier when he gets angry." Riku pressed his lips together, furrowing his brow. "Then we just yell at each other, insult each other, and then we apologize and make up. But… that just wasn't possible. And Wednesday… I've never seen him like that before. It was like… it was like he was… He could as well have been emotionally _dead_." He shuddered, looking to the side. "He didn't explain anything, he didn't cry, he didn't laugh, he didn't smile… He did _nothing_. He didn't seem like he was angry or sad, he… he… Oh, he went to school with us, and he talked and he smiled like nothing happened, but he… wasn't _there_. It wasn't _real_. He lied to us about his condition before, but he was never so… uncaring, so… apathetic about it. And after school he just vanished, and he didn't come home all evening… We didn't see him until yesterday, after his Literature class, and… suddenly he wasn't indifferent anymore, like he had been the day before, but…"

"… furious," Roxas ended his sentence. "Because of me."

"Maybe," Riku said, sighing and running a hand through his silky hair.

"No. _For sure_," Roxas clarified. For a while both boys stayed silent, then Roxas started to chuckle quietly, surprising them both. "And _you_ want to tell me you wouldn't feel better if you could smash my face against the wall now?"

Riku stayed silent, still watching Roxas thoughtfully. Roxas in turn stepped forward, leaning down to look the sitting boy straight in the eye, still grinning. It felt like the void was back, swallowing the guilt and numbing the pain. Roxas knew it couldn't be the case; that part of him was gone. What he felt now was merely a self-defense mechanism, the same that had kept him from thinking all night. And suddenly it was irrelevant if he got hurt. Hell, he deserved it, and it didn't matter, right? He would _welcome_ the physical pain, because it would help to keep his feelings at bay. He didn't want to think. Thinking would inevitably lead to tears. Being hurt seemed so much more appealing than thinking, than feeling…

"Aren't you mad at me, Riku?" he asked silkily, noticing Riku didn't back down when he leaned forward even more over the table, so close their noses almost touched. And Riku kept staring into his eyes, not even blinking, just frowning slightly. "How can you say you don't hate me? I am the reason Axel started to retreat from you again… Aren't you angry because of that? It's my fault. _Mine_. Your friend is hurt, and it is my entire fault…" He grabbed Riku's hand, smirking when he felt the other boy flinch back; oh, now he had overdone it, now Riku would finally vent his pent-up rage on him. _Finally_, his muddled brain gloated triumphantly, not minding the fact that his face would be smashed to bloody pulp soon. "Come on. You know you want to hit me. I _deserve_ it. You would do the right thing."

"If that would _help _anybody, I would do it," Riku… somewhat agreed, and the cold tone of his voice made Roxas shiver, even in his drowsy, numbed state. Riku's hand suddenly closed around Roxas' tightly, surprising the blond, who flinched back surprised. "But it _wouldn't_. It would only help you and your guilty conscience. No, it wouldn't help Axel; he would only blame himself for bringing me up against you, even though it wouldn't be true. He would do it anyway, just because he _always_ blames himself for _everything_ bad that happens. But even more important… If I hurt you, I hurt _Sora_." He pulled on Roxas' wrist until they were nose to nose again, and the grave look in his aquamarine eyes made Roxas shiver. "And I would never _ever_ hurt Sora. But I must admit I would love to kick your ass for even _thinking_ of making me hurt him."

For a moment Roxas was too stunned to react, but he hastily pulled his hand back as soon as Riku let go of him, rubbing his wrist. And to his utmost surprise… Riku smiled at him again.

"I don't hate you, Roxas," Riku repeated, finally averting his eyes. "Sora loves you too much for that. He can't be _that_ wrong."

"Sora is really lucky," Roxas muttered softly, still in shock, slowly turning around to finish preparing breakfast.

"Did you go to our house last night?" Riku asked quietly, now again staring at him. "I saw you leaving the mansion. What did you do?"

"Why don't you call your friends and ask?" Roxas suggested, trying to build up a façade of nonchalance again when the shock from earlier finally ebbed off; no, Riku didn't need to know _everything_. Okay, so he didn't hate Roxas yet, even if he only didn't because of Sora; but maybe he would when he realized how deeply Roxas had hurt his friend. Again the image of Axel crying over the drawings forced its way into his mind, and Roxas had to pause for a moment and squeeze his eyes shut to keep hot tears from welling up in his eyes. No, he wouldn't cry now. Sora could come down every minute, and the last thing Sora needed was him breaking down yet again. He was stronger than that, damnit!

"Because Zexion called me a few minutes ago and told me Axel was acting strangely," Riku answered, and still his voice sounded so… calm. "Actually he acts just like you. He acts as if nothing is wrong."

"Maybe he's not acting," Roxas objected, smiling sadly. "Maybe he just came to the conclusion I'm not worth the trouble."

For a while they stayed silent. Roxas prepared a dish and put it down on the table in front of Riku, who just kept staring at him.

"You are so incredibly _stupid_," Riku finally muttered, shaking his head unbelievingly. But Roxas couldn't ask him what he had meant, because Sora entered the kitchen, still rubbing his eyes tiredly and glanced at them. Both Riku and Roxas greeted him cheerfully, concentrating on him rather than their own, dark thoughts.

* * *

Roxas walked to school with Sora and Riku… or, he trailed three steps behind them to be exact. Sora tried to ask him if he was all right only once. Roxas told him that he wasn't and begged him not to ask him that; he couldn't answer anything else yet. Riku watched them quietly, just taking Sora's hand when the brunet twin sighed defeated.

Roxas met up with Hayner and Pence at the gates, blocking off any questions concerning a certain redhead. Soon Hayner and Pence both gave up trying to ask him what had happened; they tried to talk to him about some movie they had watched the day before instead, but were interrupted when Roxas caught a flash of red from the corners of his eyes.

When he glanced at Axel, who just accompanied Demyx and Zexion to school, he noticed the redhead was staring at him as well. His expression was more than unsettling Roxas. He didn't seem angry, nor did he seem sad; he didn't even try to act indifferent towards Roxas. No, he just looked at him. He didn't smile, and he didn't frown. He just… _looked_. It was just like Riku had described earlier, and the sight scared Roxas out of his mind. Flashes of gray flitted through his vision, and people around Axel seemed _blurry_ all of sudden; it reminded him so strongly of his nightmare that he wanted to scream.

Roxas fled to his class to escape those calm, indifferent green eyes.

Unfortunately he shared History with Axel and Zexion.

He couldn't help but stare at Axel the whole time. The redhead didn't look at him again; he pulled the hood of his jacket deep into his face, chewing on his pencil while listening to Mr. Xehanort explaining something about the second Keyblade War… Roxas didn't even listen.

Then Axel turned and outstretched one hand, careful not to let their teacher see it.

Roxas started to shake; Axel's eyes were hidden by his hood, but he was pointing at Roxas' notebook, curling his fingers in a demanding motion. But… what could he w-…

"The drawing," a whisper reached his ears, but he still couldn't see Axel's eyes through the shadows under his hood. His expression was still unreadable; if he was sad or furious or disgusted he didn't show it.

Roxas looked down at his notebook, trying to understand what Axel wanted. The drawing…? But… he had the other two drawings, hadn't he?

With clammy hands he opened his notebook and flipped through the pages. He missed the right one a few times on purpose, hoping the teacher would notice them and Axel would retreat…

But their teacher didn't turn around, and a slender hand stayed outstretched, eyes watching him from the shadows, eerily patient.

He reached the right page and was tempted to turn the page again, but couldn't; he stared down at the drawing again, taking in all the details, the carefree smirk, the detailed spikes of fairly dark seeming hair, tiny flames dancing in almond-shaped eyes…

"Give it to me," Axel demanded quietly, and Roxas' hands automatically moved, ripping the page out of the notebook obediently… but then his fingers closed around the edges of the sheet.

"Let me keep it," he begged hoarsely, keeping his voice down so only the redhead could hear him. "_Please_."

But the hand stayed where it was, and invisible eyes kept watching him. Axel's expression was still carefully blank, but the way he pressed his lips together slightly showed he was slowly losing his patience.

Roxas couldn't help the tears welling up in his eyes as he handed the drawing over. Slender fingers closed around it, crumpling it, and Roxas clamped a hand over his mouth to stifle a quiet gasp.

He watched as Axel stared at the crinkled page, feeling some kind of terrified fascination as he watched the redhead gripping the edge with both hands…

The sound of paper being torn felt too loud in the otherwise silent classroom. Mr. Xehanort turned to glare at them disapprovingly for a second before he continued to write onto the blackboard, but Roxas didn't care about that. Another ripping sound, and just like that his soul was torn into shreds as well. He watched the pieces of the drawing sinking onto Axel's desk, and he felt a tear trickle down his cold skin.

And this was probably what his other drawings had ended up like as well… It had felt so right, it had felt right to draw them, and it had felt right to give them to Axel, but obviously… it had been the most asinine thing to do. What had he been thinking? Had he really thought Axel would forgive him, just because Roxas had reminded him that he knew about Ariel? No, no, quite contrary… The redhead had surely been furious, being reminded of how carelessly he had put his trust in someone as untrustworthy as Roxas… and being reminded of his sister, whom he had lost so long ago along with his parents…

What had he been _thinking_?

Axel folded his hands on his desk, turning his attention to their teacher's lecture again. And just like that… it was _over_.

Now Roxas understood. It was _over_. He had fucked up for good. He had blown his chance to be happy. It was over. _Over_. _**Over**_.

Cold. It was _cold_ in the classroom. Outside the sun was shining, and trees were rustling in a gentle, tropical island breeze, but inside Roxas' mind it was midnight, and shadows swallowed every trace of warmth. The last light was smothered by blackness. He was too terrified to actually feel. Cold hysteria drowned out every coherent thought. Had his heart stopped beating now, he wouldn't have noticed.

And just like that… any hope Roxas had still dared to cherish died, withered away, leaving nothing but blank despair behind.

* * *

Roxas couldn't remember much from that moment on. He thought Zexion had asked him if he was all right after the lesson, as well as Tidus, who had been in the same class, but everything was so… hazy. He knew he watched Axel leave the room; he knew he thought how beautiful he was when the redhead brushed back his hood, revealing his crimson hair and his calm, emerald eyes. But Axel didn't look back; he just left.

Roxas knew he managed to get to his classes afterwards, even though he didn't know which classes those had been. He thought Naminé and Sora helped him through the hallways of their school, but he was not even sure about that.

He saw Axel again during a short break; the redhead was at his locker, surrounded by people Roxas didn't know. Or did he? He could only see scribbles where their faces should be…

He watched Axel grabbing his books and turning around, only raising a perfectly shaped brow at the other people when he noticed them. Roxas couldn't hear anything; partly because the painful beating of his heart drowned out every other sound, partly because all of his attention was focused on those eyes, the fair skin, those thin, perfect lips, which he knew felt so soft… Sunlight was falling through the windows and bathed the redhead in an ethereal halo, which made crimson hair shine like silk and emerald eyes appear like clear, precious peridots.

He saw Axel smile, and he had to fight the tears gathering in his eyes. Why was he smiling at those people? What was he saying? Were they asking him if it was over? If he had left Roxas? Did they ask him if he hated Roxas? They had to have asked him, because now he nodded, still smiling.

Roxas was glad his brother was with him now; had Sora not supported him, he would have fallen to his knees, because no strength seemed to be left inside his weakened, tired, malnourished body.

And then Axel said something else; people around him seemed surprised about his statement, and a few of them started to argue, but Axel only turned and walked away, still smiling this soft, small smile.

When he passed the twins, his emerald eyes locked with Roxas' for a moment; and again the smile vanished, leaving an empty, guarded expression behind. He slowly reached behind his head and pulled the hood over his hair, pulling it deep over his face to hide his eyes and every emotion they might have showed. Roxas could only watch helplessly, his eyes glued to thin lips drawn downwards in an angry scowl.

Roxas gripped Sora's arm harder, silently pleading his brother to help him. Sora led him away, and Roxas followed, closing his eyes to keep the tears from falling.

While sitting in his class, he overheard people talking about him. He didn't care; he just kept staring at his folded hands, didn't say a word when people tried to talk to him. He heard that Naminé explained to their friends that he and Axel had differences, and he was surprised that not even Selphie seemed to want to bug him about it. He really had expected her, at least, to ask him about what had happened, but neither she nor anyone else dared.

All the more surprised he was when he heard his own voice explain that Naminé was wrong; that they didn't have 'differences', but that it was _over_. He knew he was grinning when he said it, and he didn't fight the dark, mirthless laughter bursting from his mouth afterwards. He was too tired to care. What if everyone thought he was going crazy? Maybe he was.

* * *

During another break Roxas was confronted by Demyx. To his surprise, the mute boy was all alone this time; he couldn't spot Zexion or Riku and thankfully neither Axel anywhere.

But he was even more surprised when Demyx grabbed his arm and shook him harshly, his pretty eyes flashing uncharacteristically angry.

"What did you do to him?" Demyx hissed hoarsely, his beautiful voice dripping of anger. "You know how fragile he is! Why did you have to hurt him _again_?" He let go of Roxas' arm, crossing his arms in front of his chest instead, still glaring at Roxas. "I swear, if you hurt him and made him retreat from us even more than before _without a reason_, I'll hurt _you_!"

It took Roxas a while to overcome the shock at hearing Demyx talk (not to mention _threaten_ him), but then he shook his head, refusing to meet the other boy's sea-green eyes.

"I didn't mean to," he replied in a whisper.

"I sure hope you didn't," Demyx growled, leaning forward slightly. "Did you know he had actually started to talk to Aerith? He admitted he needed help! He was getting _better_! And now you did something that made him act like before. Like everything was _fine_. But it's _not_, and we all know that it's not, but he doesn't admit he's not all right. It _hurts_ to see him like this again. _What did you do_?"

"I just told him the truth," Roxas whispered shakily, leaning against the wall behind him to keep his legs from giving out under him. "I never wanted to hurt him. I…" He sniffed once, biting his lip, feeling lost and alone. But to his surprise his eyes stayed dry. "I love him…" he finally added in a whisper.

"I know," Demyx replied much softer, sighing quietly. "He told me you told him that. He was pretty upset that you did…"

"I couldn't help it," Roxas muttered dejectedly, closing his eyes and taking in a deep breath. "But it doesn't matter. He doesn't believe me anyway."

"Of course he doesn't," Demyx sighed, but now he smiled sadly. "He doesn't know how to deal with it. Nobody ever told him that before. Other than his parents, of course, but he… doesn't remember them very well."

"Nobody?" Roxas echoed weakly. "But you… you and him, you were…"

"No. We were together for a few months, that much is true," Demyx explained calmly, pursing his lips thoughtfully. "But that was… it wasn't like _that_. It was just… we had a lot of fun together, but… we weren't in love. Not like that. He is like a brother to me."

"Oh." Roxas nodded.

"But if you really love him… why did you have to hurt him?" Demyx added, trying to make eye contact, but Roxas looked away again.

"I don't know," he still answered. "I thought it was the right thing to do…"

"You're not supposed to hurt people you love," Demyx said sadly, and only now Roxas was able to meet his eyes again.

"But we do it all the time," he said tonelessly; he saw Demyx flinch slightly, but couldn't stop talking. No, he even took a step forward instead, causing Demyx to step back and raising his hands defensively. "We never want to, but we do it anyway. Even though we have the best intentions, sometimes we hurt the people we love. Or do you think Zexion was not hurt when you chose not to talk to him, but rather to a stranger like me?"

"But… that was…" Demyx fell silent; he paled slightly, and suddenly both he and Roxas noticed that they had acquired quite an audience.

Some people were watching them; even though they were too far away to actually have listened to their conversation, they kept throwing glances at the two boys…

Demyx paled even more, his eyes widening; he looked around frightened and suddenly started to shake and whimper quietly, then he brushed past Roxas to lean against the wall behind him. Slowly, ever so slowly, he turned around, pressing his back against the white wall, blue-green eyes clouded with panic. He slid down until he sat on the floor, still glancing around, then he threw his arms over his head, hiding his face in his drawn-up knees.

"Demyx?" Roxas fell to his knees as well, quickly discarding his book bag and outstretching his hand to touch the other boy's arm. "Are you okay? I'm sorry, I didn't…"

"That was different!" Demyx whispered through his hands, coughing and gasping for air once. "It was _different_! He knows why I couldn't talk to him!"

"I know, I'm sorry," Roxas agreed, trying to calm Demyx down again. The older boy's breathing grew more and more frantic, he was almost hyperventilating. "Demyx, please, I'm so…"

"He knows why… Zexion… knows… I… I coul-… I…" Demyx stammered, and his voice grew higher with every word until it failed him completely. A soft whimper escaped him, and he started to rock back and forth slightly, squeezing his eyes shut.

Of course it was exactly that moment that Roxas heard, all too familiar, voices calling out for Demyx. He recognized Zexion's troubled voice, and his heart sank when Axel shouted Demyx' name as well… only a second later both of them entered the hallway, and immediately noticed Demyx cowering on the floor, and Roxas kneeling in front of him.

"Demyx," Zexion gasped, rushing to his side and falling to his knees right next to Roxas; Roxas crawled back a little to give him more room, watching Zexion embrace Demyx quietly. "Demyx, are you alright? Everything is okay, I'm here…" He drew back a little, pressing a gentle kiss onto Demyx' pale face.

Zexion whispered calming words to the scared boy in his arms while rubbing his arms soothingly; he didn't seem to mind when Demyx grabbed his upper arms so tightly that it had to hurt. The blue-haired one looked down at the blond fondly, never ceasing his gentle, comforting whispering, only kissing Demyx' forehead softly again. Judging the way Demyx' shoulders had started to jerk, he had to be crying now; Roxas couldn't be sure though, as Demyx hid his face in Zexion's black shirt and no sound was heard.

Roxas fumbled around for his book bag, but before he could stand up, his arm was grabbed and he was hauled to his feet rather roughly. When he looked up, he found himself paralyzed by flashing emerald eyes.

"What did you do?" Axel spat furiously, shaking Roxas a little and leaning forward until their noses almost touched. Roxas held his breath; the grip around his arm started to hurt, and tears started to sting in his eyes. Because of the physical pain or the pain the angry look caused to grow in his heart, he wasn't sure.

He tried to answer, he _really_ did, but the words just refused to leave his mouth. He wasn't even sure what it had been he had wanted to say. What _had_ he done? It wasn't his fault anyway, _Demyx_ had come after him, right? It wasn't his fault.

"What the fuck did you do to him?" Axel yelled again, and to Roxas' surprise the people watching them retreated rather than sneaking closer this time; they seemed awfully uncomfortable, tried to act as if they didn't witness the ugly scene here. For a second he found himself wondering how many of them had written letters… "Did _you_ bring him here? If you did anything to hurt him, I swear to God…"

"I didn't do anything!" Roxas retorted fiercely, and suddenly everything was gone. The pain, the fear, the confusion, the overwhelming urge to break down on the spot every time he saw the redhead, all of those emotions were replaced by a strangely flat seeming anger. He wasn't _really_ angry; but it wasn't fair that Axel accused him of things he wasn't responsible for. He was to blame for enough of other things already, he didn't need any more…

Axel's eyes narrowed, the grip around Roxas' arm tightened a little more. Roxas glared back, grabbed the hand holding his arm and ripped it away, ignoring the almost unbearable pang of sorrow ripping him apart from the inside. This was the last thing he wanted to do; he didn't want to argue, but somehow he couldn't restrain himself anymore. Maybe he was simply too exhausted.

"Oh, now you wanna play innocent again?" Axel hissed venomously. "Now you act as if…"

"I'm not _acting_!" Roxas yelled, surprised at his own voice's volume. "I'm too fucking tired to act anymore! I didn't do anything, _Demyx_ came to _me_! It's not my fault you weren't keeping an eye on him!"

"_What_ did you just say?" Axel asked stunned, emerald eyes widening a fraction, then narrowing again as an angry scowl deformed his handsome face. "Did you just imply that it's _my_ fault?"

"It _is_ your fault! Because you never _talk_ to them!" Roxas screamed, suddenly fisting his hands in his disheveled hair as a horrible headache started to plague him without a warning. "Why don't you just tell them what I did?"

He didn't want to look up again, but his eyes were drawn to the redhead anyway; helplessly he watched the expression on Axel's face grow colder and withdrawn once more… but finally there was emotion in his look, even if it only was anger. Everything was better than the apathy he had observed on the redhead all day.

"You don't have the right to tell me what to do," Axel hissed coldly.

"Of course not," Roxas replied bitterly, stepping back. "_Nobody_ can tell you what to do! You can't even accept advice from anybody, because you can't _trust_ anybody!"

"I trusted _you_!" Axel roared, loud enough for even those people down the hall to hear. "And where did _that_ get me?"

"I never asked you to trust me!" Roxas countered fervently, and now he didn't care about the tears welling up in his eyes anymore. For a short moment it seemed like Axel wanted to yell at him some more, but he held himself back, thin lips pressed together in a firm line.

"Fuck off," Axel finally grinded out; and to Roxas' utmost horror he could make out tears glistening in his bright eyes. "Get _lost_, before I forget myself!"

"Axel," Zexion spoke up confused, frowning at the redhead while still holding Demyx, who now glanced up to Axel as well. "What's wrong with you?"

"No, the correct question would be what's wrong with _me_," Roxas spat acidly, throwing one last glance at Axel before he turned around and left. He never noticed the surprised, confused, and then saddened look crossing Axel's face and replacing the angry gleam in his bright eyes.

Everything in the hallway seemed so dark now; especially all those _people_ who were _still_ watching them. For a short moment Roxas was reminded of his dream, because all he could see were gray creatures with screwy, obliterated faces, and all he could hear were whispers which didn't even sound like real voices. He was so sure, if he looked back now he would see the gray version of Axel, holding his bleeding heart in one hand and smirking while green eyes faded to gray.

"What are you looking at?" he yelled, his voice almost cracking. He couldn't stand their eyeless stares; not _now_ that he knew emerald eyes were following him as well… "What the fuck are you _staring_ at? Do you _enjoy_ stalking me? How come every time I talk to somebody about fifty people have to listen? Leave me _alone_!" He shoved one of them out of his way harshly, and they backed away from him; he thought he could even make out his name under the whispering that was their voices. "What do you _still_ want from me?" He didn't care that his voice wasn't as strong as before anymore, but trembled, almost broke in the end, and that his throat hurt; he just kept yelling at them, even when colors slowly started to fill his vision again and the creatures regained their faces. Oh, and how they looked at him! So startled, so upset, as if they hadn't destroyed his happiness with their cruel letters! "What do you want? Leave me _alone_!"

They flinched back again in unison, none of them daring to say a word or to hold him back when he brushed past them roughly. His eyes were burning with still unshed tears, and as soon as he was alone in another hallway he flopped down onto the cold floor, holding his aching head and tried to hold back the loud scream that tried crawling its way out of his throat.

Would it always be like this now? Would Axel always look at him like that, staring at him so angrily, barely concealed disgust darkening his usually bright eyes? Would his heart always hurt like this?

Somehow he managed not to break down, only a choked sob escaped him; he managed to pull himself together again, and as hard as it was, he managed to banish the dark thoughts from his mind. Thinking, _feeling_ was too painful now; he had done it before, he could lock his feelings away. He had to. He had to be strong. Not only for himself; he would have to sit through this day for his brother at least.

* * *

More and more people started to whisper behind his back; at lunch break everybody seemed to know that Axel had broken up with him. Roxas could hear their whispers, some compassionate, some confused, some spiteful, but they didn't touch him.

While lining up for food he didn't want to eat anyway, he heard more people talk about him; they didn't even try to whisper anymore, but talked loudly, and he simply dropped his plate, ignoring the loud clattering and the odd stares that people all around him were giving him. Out of the corner of his eye he could see the table where Riku and Sora and Zexion and Demyx… and Axel were sitting. Both Riku and Zexion were talking to Axel, who sat hunched over the table, his arms crossed, the hood of his jacket drawn deep over his face once more. When the plate hit the ground, everybody at the table turned to stare at Roxas; everybody but Axel, who only flinched and drew his shoulders up a bit more.

Roxas sighed and turned around, running one hand through his hair. He needed to get out… even if that meant people would start to speculate and gossip about him. Well, even more than they did now. He left the cafeteria in a hurry, shaking his head when Sora wanted to rise from his seat, purposely ignoring how Axel pulled back, just a little, to stare at him. No, right now another one of those empty stares was the last thing he needed.

He walked out to his secluded little place near the sports field where he could be alone, where no one would disturb him, just lying down in the grass and stare into the endless sky again, trying to calm down the confused and sad thoughts buzzing through his head.

But his moment of quiet solitude was interrupted when shadows fell over him. Roxas opened his eyes, but all he could see were scribbles where faces should be. Words were spoken to him, but they made no sense. Whore? Cheap? Hurt? Pain? What did they mean?

He concentrated, and slowly the voices gained faces, and lips moved in sync with the words thrown at him.

"… finally realized that you are just a little piece of _shit_," a guy with short, black hair sneered at him.

"You didn't want to tell him what you did to us, did you?" another boy, with brown hair, added angrily. "Good thing _we_ did!"

"You son of a bitch!" another one hissed at him. "Does he even know how you whored your way through school? Does he know how you threw yourself at us?"

Roxas felt a smile tug at his lips. His eyes moved to look at the perfect sky again.

"I don't know. Did you mention it in your letters?" he asked jovially. "Besides, I did no such thing. All I needed were a smile and a few nice words. You were the ones who threw yourselves at me."

"You lying motherfucker!" one of them roared.

"You tried to seduce us!" another one accused.

"None of you ever tried to resist," Roxas answered, closing his eyes again. "Why didn't you try to stop me?"

"You are disgusting," the black haired one snarled. "Don't try to blame us!"

"If I'm so disgusting…" Roxas said, and now he opened his eyes again, slowly sitting up, shielding his eyes with one hand when he looked up to the seven guys surrounding him. "Why did every single one of you kiss me and try to grope me and try to throw me onto the bed as soon as I brought you home? Why did you act like you _wanted_ me if I'm so _disgusting_?"

"You little…"

"_You_ were seducing _me_!"

"Whore!"

"Slut!"

"You were moaning like a whore when I kissed you, you bastard!" the black haired one growled furiously.

"Are you just angry because I made you admit you were into guys as well? Are you ashamed, because you lusted after a guy?" Roxas mused, ignoring their insults and smirked at the black haired one, who seemed to be their leader of sorts. "Or are you angry because you were so weak to fall into my trap? Or… are you angry because now you know you can _never_ have me?" He laughed, right into their surprised faces, standing up fully. "You hate me, because you know you _still_ want me…"

Without a warning the black haired one grabbed his collar and shoved him down onto the nearby stone table.

"Nobody wants _you_," the boy yelled, shaking Roxas so hard his head banged against the cold stone beneath him brutally. Roxas let out a small cry, his vision turning black and white and red for a second when a sharp pain jolted through his head. "You are disgusting! Not even your _ex-boyfriend_ would want to touch you anymore!"

And then…

Roxas could only blink when suddenly a hand grabbed the other boy's shoulder and pulled him away. Roxas was pulled up before the boy let go of him, groaning at the dull ache pounding in his head and almost falling back weakly. His vision was a bit hazy… He heard the boys who had attacked him yell, their voices jumbling together to create a chaotic noise. Roxas blinked again and looked up.

A fist collided with the black haired guy's face, throwing him back against two others. A hood covered Roxas' savior's head, but red strands of spiky hair stuck out from under the dark fabric, and dark upside-down teardrops adorned pale cheeks. Emerald eyes glanced at Roxas briefly before Axel turned around to face his opponents again.

He didn't say a word, but jumped forward gracefully, hitting one of the other guys square in the face. Two others seemed to finally overcome their surprise and attacked the redhead, who easily dodged them and grabbed one boy's arm to throw him over his shoulder, then proceeded to hurl the other one against one of the trees surrounding the stone tables.

Roxas watched fascinated, the intense ache in the back of his head forgotten for a moment, still sitting on the table. Six of them tried to hit Axel now, only the black haired one held his nose, whimpering pathetically. The redhead dodged punches with practiced ease; it was like he was dancing around his enemies… And he was fast, so _fast_, dealing out quite a few blows himself, his movements sharp and flowing at the same time… He jumped forward again, ramming his elbow into one boy's stomach, then whirled around to hit another one's jaw, grabbing a handful hair and letting one poor guy's face smack against the rough bark of a nearby tree before he kicked at the next one's legs and made him lose his balance… Then he dodged another hit, bumping against one of the tables and grabbing the table's edge, jumping and kicking his attacker's chest with both feet before falling back onto the table. He came onto his feet again with a backwards roll over the table, jumping to the ground again and ducking under another guy's arm, grabbing it and twisting it onto the poor boy's back, then threw him against one of his friends…

But every time Roxas managed to catch a glimpse of his face, his eyes were so _cold _again; his face only showed composed determination, maybe still a hint of anger, maybe the slightest trace of disgust when he looked down at them. But his eyes were cold…

"Fuck off, before I get _angry_," the redhead stated emotionlessly, brushing back his hood. He glared at every boy coolly, only raising a fist threateningly when one of them tried to move.

"You _bastard_," the black haired one howled, still holding his nose.

"I'm not the one trying to beat up a guy who's about half my size, dumbass," Axel answered, and now his voice grew even colder, and bright, green eyes narrowed. "You cowards! Does it really take seven of you to beat him up, huh?"

"We'll report you, you asshole," another boy threatened, but took a step back when cold green eyes glanced at him.

"You do that," Axel agreed, smirking humorlessly. "And then the whole school will know I took out all seven of you on my own. Or do you want to try again?" He spread his arms invitingly. "I could use blowing off some steam right now."

"You just surprised us," one boy hissed. "We could take you down easily, you freak!"

"I'd love to see you try, princess," Axel retorted still smirking. He rolled up the sleeves of his jacket. "Do you have any idea what it's like to be the only one with red hair in primary school? No? Well, think of bullies two grades over you and about twice your size picking on you every fucking day, and the only thing you can do to defend yourself is kicking their balls or breaking their nose or knocking them out any other way." Axel grinned deviously when the boy suddenly paled. "What's the matter, princess? You can't imagine it, because you've been raised in your little golden cage down at the beach and not on the street in the worst district of the big, bad city?"

All of them leapt to their feet and ran away.

Roxas was still frozen in place, watching the whole scene wide-eyed. He couldn't help but gape at the redhead when Axel let out a bark of laughter, unlike every laugh he ever had heard coming from him. It was dark and spiteful and didn't suit him at all. Really, it reminded Roxas even more of his nightmare than the emotionless stares had…

"Yeah, run away, you pussies," Axel yelled after them, still grinning like mad and flipping them off, his voice taking on a frighteningly cooing quality. "Run home and tell your mommies that awful, mean redhead gave you a big fat owie…" He laughed again, as if he had forgotten all about Roxas. "_Fuck_! If that doesn't give me a badass reputation, I don't know what does," he snickered, glaring after the retreating boys. But then he grew serious again, his mood changing so quickly it almost frightened Roxas.

He flinched when Axel looked at him, but couldn't tear his gaze away from him. Cold fear gripped his heart, and panic clouded his thoughts, and he involuntarily leaned back when Axel slowly came closer to him.

This time nobody was watching them. This time nobody would be able to witness if Axel lost his temper.

Roxas gasped when Axel leaned down to him, fully expecting the redhead to punch him; but one hand grasped his chin instead and forced him to look into the other direction, away from the redhead, none too gently. Nimble fingers combed through his hair; Roxas grimaced when they brushed over the sore spot where his head had hit the table.

"Does it hurt?" Axel asked, and his voice was so awfully _distant_ again… it made a cold shiver run down Roxas' spine. Those mood changes were almost too much for him to handle…

"A… little," he whispered and closed his eyes, swallowing around the lump of fear suddenly forming in his throat. It _did_ hurt, but it was only a dull pounding in the back of his head.

Both hands retreated from his head. "Good," he heard Axel say, but he didn't dare to look up, incredibly scared of the cold, guarded look he would find there again. Or worse, the same disgust and anger he had seen there before.

"What are you doing here?" he breathed instead, feeling tears burning in his eyes.

"Making sure they didn't give you a concussion or something," Axel replied tonelessly, raising a hand. "How many fingers?"

"Why did you follow me?" Roxas insisted, looking to the side. He gasped surprised when a surprisingly cold hand grasped his chin and forced him to look up again. Immediately his eyes locked with angry green ones.

"I just followed those guys who followed you," Axel hissed annoyed. "Can you _not_ be difficult for once and just answer my fucking question?"

"But _why_ did you do that?" Roxas blurted out, flinching back slightly. The cold hand fell from his face weakly.

"Should I rather sit back and _watch_?" was the sharp answer, and Roxas winced again, letting a scared sob slip from his lips.

"Yes," he still answered, his voice now starting to shake badly. "That's what you should have done…"

"You're stupid," Axel snarled coldly. "They would have…"

"I'm not worth the trouble!" Roxas yelled, and now he did look up willingly, staring right into surprised, wide green eyes. "You know I'm not worth it! You should have just sat back and watched, that's _exactly_ what you should have done! Why do you even _bother_? You _hate_ me! You can't even trust me anymore! You probably wish you never told me about your sister…"

Axel blinked surprised, drawing back a little. And then he sighed, and the deep frown on his face softened visibly. He outstretched a hand to Roxas, tried to touch his cheek again. "Roxas…" he whispered, but Roxas batted his hand away, shaking his head fiercely.

"No! Y-You have to stay _away_ f-from me!" Roxas sobbed desperately. "E-Every time you're close to me you get _hurt_! I don't want t-to h-hurt you even _more_!"

With those words he jumped from the table and ran away. He ran away from sad green eyes, which he knew would follow him; he ran away from this angel he desired like nothing else in his life; he ran away, and tears clouded his vision while he ran.

* * *

He locked himself in his room once more, sitting on his bed and staring straight ahead, clutching one of his many pillows close to his chest. He didn't know how long he sat there like this. Time seemed so irrelevant right now. He knew tears were still streaming down his face, and he felt cold and weak and empty, but as hard as he tried to concentrate on anything, no thought would stay longer than the blink of an eye.

Sora arrived soon afterwards; or had it been hours already? It didn't matter. Roxas listened to his brother pleading him to open the door, but he couldn't move. His fingers curled around the smooth fabric of the pillow instead, and he buried his nose in the soft cushion. Oh no… he could still smell a faint trace of cinnamon and caramel…

"Roxy, please," Sora sobbed outside the door, and Roxas could hear something fall to the ground. "Please, let me in! Please, open the door, Roxy! Let me help you! _Please_!"

"Roxas!" another voice joined in, and with some difficulties Roxas identified it as Riku. _Riku_ of all people. How strange… "Open the door! Your brother is worried sick about you!"

Roxas still didn't answer.

"Don't be stupid." Riku's voice took on a pleading tone, and Roxas could hear more sobbing. "Roxas, stop hiding in there. It won't help… You have to talk to us, Roxas! And you have to talk to Axel! Nothing you did can be bad enough to…"

Roxas screamed.

He shut his eyes and opened his mouth, took in a deep breath and screamed so loudly his throat hurt along with his head, and then he screamed again, and again, and again… He pulled at his hair, yanked at the fabric of his thin vest, never noticing it tear; he screamed and raged and clawed at his own skin, suddenly feeling so disgusted by himself that he wanted to rip his own face off his rotten flesh. He held his head, still screaming even though his voice already started to fail him and his lungs started to burn. And then his scream turned into loud sobbing, and he fell forward onto the bed, crying helplessly until there were no tears left. Jerky gasps replaced the sobs, and he fell silent again; he felt so weak, so tired, and yet he couldn't fall asleep. His eyes stayed open, stared at the world outside, which was immersed in the bloody light of the sunset. No sound was heard from outside his door; he just hoped Riku had brought Sora away. He didn't want his brother to worry even more than he already did.

* * *

He was alone in his room, and darkness crept into the room. Shadows crawled out of the corners and swallowed him, and not even the moon outside could chase them away. The shadows devoured him, fed on his fear and despair and grew stronger, draining him of the last bit of his will to live.

After the sun had set he had been able to hear people talking outside his door; he recognized Naminé's voice, and Kairi's, and both girls seemed to argue with Riku. They also tried to talk to him through his door, but he couldn't answer. And later he could hear Riku talking; he wasn't able to make out the words, but he didn't seem to be talking to Sora or Naminé or Kairi. But Roxas didn't care. No one could come here. No one could save him. He was alone with the shadows, and that was all he deserved.

His eyes stayed open; they felt raw and burned like hell after all the crying he had done, but he kept staring at the stars outside while shadows were engulfing him completely. He felt cold, but he wasn't strong enough to pull a blanket over himself. He was tired, but he couldn't sleep. He wanted to cry, but no tears were left. He wanted to scream, but his voice was gone. Everything hurt, and his heart was bleeding itself to death. Slowly and unnoticed it died inside his chest, its slow and seemingly strong beats couldn't fool Roxas. What could one more scar do? It could kill what was left of his emotions and slay his will to fight for his happiness. That's what it could do.

He was alone, and no one would save him. Shadows danced around him as the wind made the palm trees outside rustle. The shadows would stay. They would always be there, because they originated from his weak heart. His bleeding, hurting heart…

His breathing had slowed down a while ago, but every now and then a quiet gasp, a small sob would fall from his dry lips, and the shadows would savor his sounds of despair like sweet wine. They whispered to him to close his eyes and sleep. He would sleep dreamlessly, and tomorrow he would wake up and they would make his pain go away. They would feed on his feelings the whole night and make them go away; he would be a puppet when he awoke, but puppets couldn't be hurt.

They whispered: If you don't want to sleep and wake up again, it would be easy to open the door and go down to the kitchen and get a knife. Just like Sora did when he was five, don't you remember? You would only have to cut yourself somewhere else but your palms. You don't want your hands to obey, like Sora did, after all. No, you want the pain to go away. What would be easier? It wouldn't hurt for long.

Roxas curled up, tried to shut the whispers out. No, it would be too easy. Suicide? What good would that do? He would escape his righteous punishment, but the only person that mattered to him would be hurt. Sora would be hurt. He couldn't hurt Sora even more.

The shadows whispered: Sora has Riku…

No. What Sora felt for Riku would never replace what Sora and Roxas had. They were brothers. Sora wouldn't leave him.

He tried to fight the shadows, but he was so weak, and they grew stronger with every second. Their voices weren't audible, but they drowned his feeble protests. He was alone. Nobody would care…

Trees outside rustled again, and Roxas watched the shadows on the floor moving around as if they were alive. But when his weary eyes moved to look at the crescent moon again…

Another shadow had joined all the shadows around. But this one was _different_. Moonlight didn't quite reach it, and yet the other shadows seemed to flee it…

Roxas held his breath; he didn't even dare to blink, fearing it could go away. The slender figure crouching on the railing of his balcony, was it real? Had he fallen asleep? Had the shadows taken over his mind, was this their way to make the pain go away?

The shadow moved; long legs were swung over the railing, and the shadow sat down on it. A tiny flame was lit, briefly illuminated a black tattoo on pale skin, then an orange spark started to glimmer in the darkness.

The shadows whispered: It can't be. No, you are seeing things. It's not spiky hair you see, those are just the shadows from the palm tree over there. It's not an arm raising the orange glimmer to thin, soft lips. It's not legs swinging back and forth slightly, only shadows. No, the shadow does not rise from its seat and jump down from the railing daintily…

Roxas' breathing sped up along with his heartbeat, until the only thing he could still hear was this fast pounding in his chest. The shadows around him fell silent, and suddenly it was so much easier to breathe…

The glass door was stealthily opened, and the shadow sneaked inside, closing it again and standing still for a while.

Roxas' eyes had long grown accustomed to the dim light in the room. He could see Axel wasn't looking at him, but rather at the floor in front of him; he was biting his lip, lost in thought.

Roxas lay still; his eyes were wide, and he was still curled up, clutching his pillow. He didn't know if Axel could see him; the redhead was standing in the moonlight, and Roxas was still wrapped in the darkness of his room.

The shadows whispered: Why is he here? What does he want? Is he only here because… because Riku or Sora or someone else asked him to come? He must still be angry…

Axel sighed quietly, then moved closer carefully; he only stopped right next to Roxas' bed, his eyes finally finding Roxas'. He wasn't smiling, nor did he look angry; he just _looked_, and that was even worse. The shadows captured him when he stepped out of the moonlit part of Roxas' room, they stared over his shoulder with beady eyes, hungry and desperate, tried to swallow the intruder, but the redhead only stepped forward and broke their grasp easily.

The shadows whispered: He hates you! He hates you! How could he ever feel anything but contempt for you? He knows who you are!

But Roxas was frozen in place; he could only stare up helplessly, and he didn't resist when Axel leaned down to pull the pillow from his feeble grasp along with all the shadows engulfing Roxas, the redhead's face still so carefully expressionless.

The shadows whispered: He will hurt you! He will tell you how much he hates you, and you will break because you're weak!

Fear made Roxas feel sick, and a soft whimper escaped him; the shadows fed on it, grew stronger again. His vision seemed blurry all of sudden, panicked thoughts were deafening him. Weakly he tried to get away, but a slender hand closed around his wrist and held him back. The touch was gentle, but burned on Roxas' cold skin. Roxas felt long fingers tighten around his wrist briefly, but he couldn't tear his gaze from in the moonlight colorless eyes, not even when Axel suddenly sat down next to him on the big, cold bed. No hate, no contempt, just… just… a blank look… Another sob tore itself from Roxas' throat, and the shadows whispered, whispered, murmured, screamed…

The shadows screamed: He despises you. How can he feel anything else? He…

The shadows' inaudible voices died down when Roxas was pulled into a gentle embrace. At first Roxas was too overwhelmed to react, but then he tried to push Axel away weakly; he opened his mouth, tried to tell the redhead to leave him alone, but all he managed was another scared moan. His fear-clouded mind wasn't able to take the embrace for what it was, but already made up ways to how this would proceed… A slender hand would fist in his hair and yank his head back, so he would have to look into eyes, which would now show the disgust he hadn't been able to see before…

But a warm hand ran through his tousled hair instead, gently applied enough pressure to move his head forward until it rested on a thin, yet firm chest, while the other arm sneaked around his waist and pulled him close. But Roxas still tried to resist; he pressed his palms against the lean body holding him, tried to shove him away again, but he was weak, his hands were shaking too much…

Warm, soft lips brushed over Roxas' temple, and the hand in his hair moved to his chin, forced him to look up. Roxas closed his eyes, tried to shut out the warmth this small touch had caused to spread over his skin. He gasped once, but it sounded so loud in the otherwise silent room…

He felt another gentle kiss being pressed onto his cold skin, right below his right eye, but couldn't open his eyes. The tender touch only caused the fear and confusion to return; but his traitorous heart sped up again, and his hands twitched, tried to close around lean shoulders instead of pushing them away.

But then he felt warm lips on the corner of his mouth, and he jerked his head to the side with a loud gasp, trying to escape. Fingers curled around his chin and turned him around again, but Roxas tried to shy away once more. He didn't understand… why would Axel still want to touch him?

And then all confused and scared thoughts fled his head at once; Roxas' eyes shot open, and his hands slid down Axel's shoulders and chest weakly, every fiber of his self suddenly concentrating on… on…

_Axel was kissing him. _

He tried to grasp this thought, but his mind seemed blank; he felt warm lips touching his own, and he felt warmth rise into his cheeks, and he felt a pleasant tingling where his lips were touched. His eyes closed again as he tried to take in all the sensations invading his senses; the scent of cigarettes and cinnamon and caramel, the soft texture of lips pressing against his without moving, the foreign and yet so familiar taste, nimble fingers ghosting over his face…

Again his body tried to flinch back jerkily, tried to escape this unexpected display of affection, but gentle hands on his face held him back. Roxas sobbed once, and the redhead kissing him swallowed the quiet sound, then pulled back a little, his face still so close to Roxas' he could almost _feel_ it.

He kept his eyes closed, tried to concentrate on the warmth, on the feeling this warmth caused, tried to concentrate on warm hands on his face and warm breath brushing over his still so sensitive lips… Warm, so warm, so _warm_, not like the cold shadows surrounding them, still watching, still waiting, still ready to swallow Roxas once more…

"Sleep," was whispered into the silence, and suddenly Roxas fell forward weakly, not able to hold his body upright any longer. He was caught by familiar, gentle arms, and a hand ran through his hair again, making him sigh happily. He felt the slightly rough texture of Axel's shirt under his cheek, could smell more cinnamon and caramel, could hear the slow, steady beating of the redhead's heart, and suddenly his body reminded him how unbelievably _tired_ he was after nights of staying awake and days of denying food. Again shadows seemed to blanket his mind, but this time they weren't whispering and cold, but warm, comforting, soothing.

"Sleep," Axel whispered again, and Roxas felt his lips curl upwards slightly before darkness consumed his very thoughts, as he felt the redhead placing a soft kiss on top of his head. "Sleep, my little Sunshine. I'll be here tomorrow."

* * *

**Author's Notes:** ... And then he woke up, and IT HAD ALL BEEN A DREAM!

... Hehe.

Okay, don't hurt me. Was it a dream, or was it not? I have no clue. I guess you can ask yourself that until I post the next chapter. Yes, I'm cruel like that.

Well. What else? Mention new fanart - Check... Mention unigned reviews - Check... Oh, yes. Review! Just don't go and tell me you don't like AU-fics, or the OOCness, or yaoi, or anything like that. Nobody forces you to read this, right? But constructive crititicism is always welcome.


	25. Interlude, Part 1

**Summary:** His life had always been perfect, or at least so Roxas had liked to think. But overcoming his own fears for someone else isn't as easy as it seems. When both his own and his lover's past threatens their unstable relationship, Roxas has to face the truth: His life was far from perfect. But at least it was better than Axel's.

**Warnings:** I can't think of anything. Then again, there's nothing actually _new_ in this chapter.

**Pairings:** AkuRoku main, RikuxSora, ZexionxDemyx side pairings. Possible LeonxCloud later on. Much, much later though. Oh, wait, no, actually they _are_ mentioned in this one! :D

**Disclaimer:** I still don't own KH, I don't own SquareEnix and I don't own Disney, so no, I don't own any of the characters. And I don't earn shit by writing this. Only praise. And reviews. Lotsa reviews. :)

**Chapter Dedication and special thanks:** Hurr, let's see...

**Kuraieshi**, for not being mad at me and still betaing my story;

**SkyeFlyte**, for being reviewer #1000 (HOSHIT!);

**kawaii shu-chan**, for the fanart;

**Niemti**, for moar fanart;

**Mindless Musings**, for the fanvid;

**Kirah Ruth**, for planting the idea for this thing here inside my head with their fandrabble;

**kurosora1984**, for being awesome;

**kotilo**, for same.

Thank you guys so very much! o3o Oh, and you, who's reading this right now: Check my profile for the links to fanart and fanvid!

**Thanks to: **My reviewers, again; but, this time, not all of them. Because, you see, there was a reason I didn't update for so long. Forget that, there were _plenty_ of reasons, but there was one in particular that pissed me off. _One-word-reviewers_. Or, as I also call them, _Update-nags.  
_

**(Edit: Very harsh, stupid and useless rant was deleted. I'm very sorry about it.)**

Also, I'll stop trying to mention every reviewer here. They are getting too many. For Heaven's sake, I think I got more than 200 for the last chapter alone! And as flattering as that is, it's getting really time-consuming to reply to them. And time is something I won't have much of in the near future.

Well, but now, to this Interlude: No, this is not the next chapter. This is the first of two parts, telling Axel's side of the last few chapters. This one is from Roxas' confession to the scene where Roxas leaves the pictures of Axel and his sister at Axel's house, the second part, which isn't finished yet, will tell from there till the end of chapter 23. I guess then you'll know if or if not Axel really went to see Roxas. ;) I found it rather interesting to write Axel's point of view for once instead of Roxas'. Plus, this interlude gave me the opportunity to write another dream sequence. Yay.

But keep in mind there will be nothing actually new here. Some of the scenes are the same as in the last chapters, just showing Axel's thoughts on them instead of Roxas'. If you find it too boring to read the same story twice, you probably shouldn't read this as well.

**

* * *

**

**Perfect Match – Interlude Part 1**

_Who are you?_

Never in his whole life had a question held as much meaning to Axel. And even though he knew he would never receive a satisfying answer to it, the question continued to repeat itself over and over and over in his mind, creating a gruesome choir with all the accusations, all the lies he had read. It couldn't be true...

But now he was here, in this empty classroom, holding Roxas' arm so tight it _had_ to hurt. He wanted to yell at the blond, he wanted to shake him and tell him not to play with him like that; he wanted to ask if Roxas thought it was funny to come up with all those lies.

And he looked into frightened blue eyes, and he knew it _was_ true. It was almost too much to bear; Axel could feel his body grow cold, and he quickly let go of the blond, folding his arms to hide how badly his hands were shaking.

"Who _are_ you?" The question forced its way out of his mouth, even though he wanted to hold it back. He knew it would only cause pain, and he didn't want to know the answer to it. Yet he blurted it into the silent classroom, because, even though he didn't _want_ to, he _needed_ to know the truth.

_I'm Sunshine_, Roxas would answer now; _All the letters told were lies. I'm your Sunshine. I'm not that person in the letters…_

"I'm… I'm Roxas," Roxas whispered, and only when Axel heard his voice, shaky and broken, so unbearably _guilty_, he could no longer tell himself the letters had been wrong. He knew what Roxas wanted to tell him now. He didn't want to hear it, but he had no choice but listen.

So he listened, listened to Roxas' trembling voice, listened to the horrible words, listened to the terrible truth they told; and he watched, watched as the deepest and most beautiful eyes he had ever seen lost their sparkle and closed slowly, and a mouth which seemed to have forgotten how to smile a long time ago moved only reluctantly.

Roxas talked, and Axel watched him. He heard the words, but couldn't believe them. He saw Roxas' dejected stance and knew he had to believe.

He saw how pale Roxas was, how his slim shoulders sagged as soon as he started talking, and how pained his expression was. He saw his hands fidget with his wristband, like every time he was nervous or upset. He saw how his whole frame was trembling, and he wanted nothing more than to step forward and hug the younger boy, wanted to run his hand through spiky blonde hair and kiss his forehead, whisper to him that it was okay. He wanted to tell Roxas it was alright, that he didn't care, that he didn't believe those lies, that nothing was wrong. He wanted to drive away the overwhelming sadness in Roxas' clear blue eyes. He reached out, his hand shivering and his fingers feeling cold like ice…

But he knew he couldn't. Nothing was alright. Everything was wrong. His hand dropped to his side again.

"I… hated them for… for loving me," Roxas said, and Axel had to sit down. He didn't know why, but something in Roxas' voice startled him even more than the words themselves did. He felt weak; he felt _betrayed_. Roxas talked about those people like they weren't important! He talked about them like they still didn't matter to him! How could he be so… _cold_? And yet… the longer Roxas talked, the more Axel realized how upset he seemed to be. No, Roxas wasn't upset because of all those hearts he broke. He was upset because of Axel. And _only_ because of him. And… and he didn't know whether to be angry or happy about that.

No… This person in front of him was not his Sunshine. But it wasn't the same person who was described in the letters, the same who did all those things either. This upset, sad, desperate boy Axel saw… He didn't know him. He didn't understand him. Why did all this affect him so? Shouldn't he be proud that he had managed to even lure Axel into his carefully constructed trap? So why… why did Axel have the feeling Roxas would break down any moment now?

_Who are you?_

Axel reacted too slowly when Roxas opened his eyes again. He knew he should look away, so he would not be enchanted by their beauty again, but he also knew this was a fight he was going to lose anyway.

But he was careful not to show his own distress at least; Roxas should not know how much this affected him. He had opened up to this stranger too much already. He should have known better – opening up to anyone would only hurt him in the end. How naïve he had been, trusting Roxas so willingly.

"You were… different," Roxas said, and Axel almost gave in when he heard how his sweet voice broke at the end. It took all of his remaining willpower not to jump up and embrace the small, sad boy in front of him.

_Different_? But how? Even though Axel heard Roxas' explanation, he could not understand it. Strong? No, _that_ he sure wasn't. He acted like it, for Demyx and Zexion and Riku, but it was never enough.

He wasn't different. Hadn't Roxas played with him, just like with his other victims? It had taken him a bit longer than usual, but in the end he finally got to break yet another heart.

So why was he so _upset_? Did he just act? Did he really feel bad? Did he lie? Did he tell the truth? Did he _believe_ he told the truth? Axel didn't know what to think anymore.

So when he noticed the tears gathering in Roxas' big eyes, when he heard him whisper, "I'm sorry…" he didn't know what to do but leave. There was nothing he could say. He couldn't comfort Roxas and tell him it didn't matter, but he couldn't yell at him either. He couldn't stand his tears, and he couldn't stand the lies. So he left, and he refused to look back.

* * *

He left school, hurried to get home without waiting for his friends. He ran to his room and slammed the door shut, his bag dropping from his suddenly weak hand. He stepped back, staring at the bag wide-eyed, his heart beating as if he was afraid of it…

Well, _wasn't_ he?

He sat down on his bed, drawing his legs up and covering his face with his hands. Roxas' words still reverberated inside his head. The few letters he had read so far joined in with malicious joy.

'_He said I was beautiful, and then he asked me if I wanted to go home with him.'_

'_At first he was very shy… but that quickly changed as soon as we were at his home.'_

'_I always thought he was cold-hearted, but one look into his eyes… and I was lost.'_

'_I know he enjoyed it. I know it. He whispered to me… that he had never before felt like this…'_

'… _told me to leave…'_

'… _told me I was beautiful…'_

'… _told me I was scum…'_

'… _told me he loved me…'_

Axel gasped, a sound that was very loud inside his otherwise silent room. He ripped his hands away from his face, only to raise one of them to cover his mouth again. He tried to stay calm, but his breathing grew somewhat more erratic.

"_You are beautiful…"_

"_I guess I thought you liked me."_

"_I'm sorry…"_

"_I don't have a type! And if I had, it would be tall, skinny, red-haired, green-eyed, and... and... straightforward, and honest, and smart, and nice, and funny, and witty, and caring, and passionate, and... and... breathtaking, and gorgeous, and beautiful..."_

"_Why do you want to be with me?"_

"_I would never want to keep you a secret."_

"_Can I kiss you?"_

"_I love you."_

"Liar!" Axel whispered into the silence, but Roxas' gentle voice kept repeating the last sentence over and over and over again in his mind. He gasped for air and looked up to the ceiling, blinking to force back the tears that had started to burn in his eyes.

"_I love you,"_ Roxas had said, and it had sounded so honest…

Axel could remember this moment clearly, how angelic Roxas had looked in the dim light of the stars… how fearless… how pure… His wet, blonde hair had been sticking to his beautiful face, and his eyes had shone even in the dark. He hadn't been scared, even though Axel had yelled at him and had tried to make him go away. He hadn't been scared, even though he had known what Axel was capable of when his memories overpowered him. No, he had just looked at Axel, had touched his face so lightly… Axel had wanted to cry because he had tried to defile such pureness, such innocence only moments before…

"_I love you,"_ Roxas had said, and those had been the most beautiful words Axel had ever heard, coming from the most perfect person he knew. His Sunshine. His reason to forget. His reason to get better. His beautiful, beautiful lie.

'_He told me he loved me.'_

"Liar," Axel repeated, even more quietly than before, and he hated how shaky his weak voice sounded. He looked down again.

After a few minutes he grabbed his bag and pulled it up to him. He still had some reading to do.

* * *

Letters were strewn all over his bed when he heard the front door downstairs open. He didn't even register it. His eyes were still glued to the light blue sheet he was holding in one hand. He was sitting on his bed cross-legged, his chin propped in one hand while he repeated the sentence he had just read.

He didn't look up when the door to his room opened. He didn't hear the relieved sigh Riku heaved when he saw Axel sitting on the bed. He kept reading the same sentence over and over again, silently mouthing the words…

"Here you are," Riku finally said, leaning against the doorframe. "You could at least have said something before you left school."

"Mhm," Axel mumbled without looking up. Riku seemed to wait for more, but Axel didn't care. His eyes wandered over neat handwriting again.

"Demyx was worried about you," Riku added.

"Sorry," Axel replied, starting to chew on his lower lip. It couldn't be…

"That's it?" Riku asked, and he sighed when all he got for an answer was a weak shrug. "What are you doing here anyway?"

"Nothing," Axel muttered. He let go of the letter, watching it float down. He could hear Riku step closer, and he forced himself to look up.

"You look like shit," Riku commented and smirked. The smirk however faded quickly when Axel didn't attempt to counter the insult.

"Probably," Axel answered instead, looking down at the light blue letter again. Thoughts were racing through his head, but he never managed to grasp them and think them through… It couldn't _be_…

"What's that?" Riku asked, and from the corners of his eyes Axel could see the other boy reach out for one of the letters.

"Don't touch them," he hissed, and Riku's hand hesitated for a second. When he glared up to Riku, he could see a smirk tugging at the corners of his lips. Scary, how much he looked like his brother when he did that… Axel shivered, but quickly grabbed Riku's hand.

"Oh, I know Roxas gets love letters all the time, but I didn't know you get them as well," Riku teased him and tried to wrench his hand out of Axel's tight grasp. Axel tightened his grip.

"Get out," he forced through gritted teeth. Riku blinked at him confused, but then he grinned again.

"O-ho, don't I get a look? What did they write? That they fell head over heels in love with you…?"

"Right, as if anybody could ever love a freak like me," Axel snarled, and he immediately regretted the words. He shoved Riku back, rising from his bed. Riku now seemed confused.

"What are you talking about?" the silver-haired teen asked, and he gasped surprised when Axel pushed him back again. "Hey…"

"Get out," Axel repeated a bit louder. "Leave me alone!"

"Axel, what…" Riku tried to speak up again, but he stopped himself when suddenly Axel grabbed his collar and shoved him against the wall. Axel knew he could only do this because he had surprised Riku; the other boy was stronger than he was. But right now he didn't care.

"Get the fuck out of my room, Riku," he yelled, feeling rage cover his thoughts like a blood-red veil.

"Only if you tell me what the hell is wrong with you!" Riku replied just as angry… but his face fell when he looked into Axel's eyes.

Axel knew they were filled with tears by now. He didn't care. He was too tired and exhausted and way too messed up to care. But he refused to let the tears fall.

"Axel, you… you're…" Riku stammered, falling silent again and staring at Axel wide-eyed.

"Please," Axel said, and again his voice sounded shaky and weak. He closed his eyes and hung his head to keep the tears from falling. His hand let go of Riku's shirt. "Please, leave."

"What's wrong?" Riku asked again. His voice was gentle and soft now; Axel had rarely heard him talk like this.

He suddenly fell to his knees, his legs feeling too weak to carry him anymore. He could clearly picture the look of horror and shock written all over Riku's face now, but he didn't look up. Instead he laid his arms around his torso, to keep himself from falling apart.

"Please," he whispered again, squeezing his eyes shut. No, he couldn't cry in front of Riku.

"Axel…" Riku said hoarsely, and Axel could feel a hand touching his shoulder.

"Please, _please_ leave me alone," he begged again, and he could barely keep a slight tremor out of his voice. He curled up, tried to shut out the outside, tried to shut out the pain.

The hand on his shoulder retreated slowly, and a moment later Axel could hear the door to his room close behind Riku. He heaved a shuddering breath, feeling both relieved to finally be alone and terrified of being alone; his fingers dug into his upper arms until it hurt, but it was nothing against the raging fear inside his chest.

He opened his eyes again, no longer caring about the tears now that he was alone. He looked at his bed, at one sheet of light blue paper especially. He was drawn to it, even though he already knew exactly what it said. But still he crawled to the bed and grabbed the letter with a trembling hand, reading one specific paragraph in the middle for the hundredth time.

He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand, even though he knew it was no use; he stood on still shaky feet to stumble over to his desk; he reached out to one particular folder.

'_Have you ever taken a look at his notes?'_ the letter screamed at him in his mind. His hand closed around the folder and pulled it out of the heap of books and papers.

'_Have you ever noticed the drawings?'_

Axel opened the folder. He skimmed the neatly organized notes inside it, Roxas' elegant handwriting, without actually seeing the words.

'_Don't think you are special to him.'_

There… and there… and there…

'_He draws everyone he takes home with him.'_

S-So many…

'_And when he's done with them, he crosses them out.'_

On almost every page…

'_I don't think anyone but me noticed it. I just did when I borrowed his notes once.'_

They were barely recognizable, but underneath the scribbles…

'_I noticed my own picture back then. And when I asked him about it, he shyly told me he noticed how pretty I was and that he just had to draw me.'_

Faces… there were faces, crossed out, garbled, lost between the notes. And he knew those scribbles… He had seen them before, in Roxas' room… The pin board… it… it had been full of those _things_…

'_I wonder how long it will take until he crosses you out?'

* * *

_

It took Axel hours to read all the letters. He was glad that after a while the pain dulled. When Riku knocked on his door in the morning, he barely felt anything anymore.

He collected the letters and put them into the folder again, cramming it into his bag along with his notes. Then he left the room, greeting Riku outside, and went down to the kitchen, ignoring all the questions Riku asked.

He stared into his cup of coffee the whole time, never answering Demyx' and Zexion's questions. He was surprised a little how calm he felt; but mostly he didn't care. He didn't care about anything. The letters finally stopped repeating themselves inside his head, and he relished the emptiness they left behind.

He went to school with his friends, absently telling them to mind their own business when they tried to get him talk again. There was nothing he could tell them. Why did they keep asking him what was wrong? Everything was alright, was it not? Finally fate had realized it had made a mistake by granting him a glimpse at a life he could never have.

He grinned when Demyx whispered he scared him by acting like he did.

He laughed when Zexion asked him if there was something they could do to help.

He remained silent when Riku accused him of being selfish.

Maybe he was. Did it really matter? At least like this he could survive. He always had survived this way. He had survived like this when his parents had died, when the children in the orphanage had shunned him and had talked behind his back; he had survived when Leon had abandoned him to search his father; he had survived… _that_ place, that torture, that _hell_, one day to the next, a week, a month, a year, all of his life. This was the same, wasn't it? He didn't allow himself to feel, crushed his emotions beneath the emptiness. It was so much easier this way.

He overheard Riku talking to Kairi between two classes, and he listened as Kairi told Riku that Sora would stay at home; when Riku asked what had happened, she answered, "Axel happened." And that was all she said before she went to meet up with Naminé again.

Axel smiled, even though he didn't know why. After the last class he left without waiting for Zexion, whom he had shared the class with. He ran down a hallway, and another one, and another one, until he opened a door.

About twenty pairs of eyes looked at him confused; just one pair of grey ones seemed not very surprised to see him.

"Can I talk to you?" Axel asked calmly, still somewhat out of breath. Leon just stared at him for a moment longer, then he nodded.

"This would be all for today," he told his class while he picked up his papers. "No homework. I'll see you next week."

"But Mr. Leonhart, we didn't even start yet…" one boy piped up.

"Enjoy your free time then," Leon answered and left the room.

They left school in silence, and Axel stared down at his feet all the way to Leon's house. They also stayed silent while sitting outside in the back yard, watching the waves down at the beach roll onto the white sand. After a while Axel sighed and closed his eyes.

"Do you have something to drink?" he asked and heard quiet clattering of Leon's many belts when the older man rose from his seat to go to the house. When he came back Axel just raised a hand. Something very cold was placed in it. Axel looked up to take a look at the can in his hand.

"Shouldn't you… dunno… keep me from drinking or something?" he asked with a small smirk as he opened his beer. Leon next to him did the same. "You being my teacher and all…"

"You're old enough," Leon answered curtly.

"I'm eighteen…"

"Old enough here on Destiny Islands," Leon clarified. "You're officially allowed beer and wine here. Besides, it's not like you didn't have your first beer at age fourteen."

"True," Axel agreed and took a sip. It tasted delicious. "Pretty liberal legal drinking age, isn't it, Squall?"

"Well, teens here aren't as fucked up as they are in Hollow Bastion," Leon answered, and Axel had to laugh at this. "And it's Leon for you."

"Yeah, sure…" Axel smiled and continued to watch the beach. Some mothers with their small children were playing in the warm water, and a breeze ruffled the palm trees. It was very peaceful, and suddenly he felt like he didn't belong here at all.

Axel looked at Leon, who just stared back calmly. And Axel found that, to his surprise, he didn't feel bitter anymore. Ever since Leon had left the orphanage, the desperate, brotherly affection Axel had held for him had been tinged with the bitter feeling of loss and betrayal. But now… now he could look at Leon, and there was no strength left to feel bitter anymore. Maybe it was because he was older now. Or because he had found new friends.

And maybe… maybe he just couldn't care anymore. Maybe he now could finally embrace the fact that… nobody would ever really care about him.

They stayed silent for a while again, and sometime later Leon brought more beer outside.

"What did you want to talk about?" the older man asked quietly, sitting on the railing of the porch. Axel opened his second can and took another sip. He thought about Leon's question for a while, still staring at the calm scenery down at the beach.

"Did you ever regret that you never told Rinoa you loved her before it was too late?" he finally asked, and he was both surprised at his own question… and the fact he actually got an answer.

"Every day," Leon replied, and he didn't look Axel in the eye when he whirled around to stare at him. Instead it now was his turn to look at the beach. He frowned, playing with a ring he still wore on his right hand.

"Why? I thought…" Axel blurted out, but stopped himself when he realized he hadn't thought about it at all. Why had he even asked? He felt his eyes widen a little. What had he been _thinking_?

"I sometimes wonder if we'd still be together," Leon admitted calmly, startling Axel even more.

"I thought you were happy here," the redhead said confused. "I mean, you have a job you love… you are in a new relationship…"

"I _am_ happy," Leon agreed, even though nothing in his expression indicated he really was. "And I wouldn't want anything to change. It's just… sometimes I wonder what it would have been like. She _was_ my first love, after all. And… if I ever told her, maybe we could still be friends…"

"But… _why_?"

"She was good for me," Leon explained thoughtfully. "Without her I would probably _still_ not be able to have a serious relationship."

"But she cheated on you!"

"I can't really blame her." Leon dropped his empty can and ran a hand through his dark hair. "I couldn't even blame her back then. She was lonely. She didn't know how I felt for her, because I never told her. I didn't understand how much she needed to be loved." He smiled sadly, startling Axel even more.

"When did you turn into such a sap?" Axel tried to joke, but Leon still just smiled at him.

"What she did was just as much my fault as it was hers," he explained quietly. "Had I not been too busy to see her faults, I would have noticed how much she did for me. Had I not been so proud, I would have made her stay."

"But everything worked out fine for you," Axel muttered. "You found someone else…"

"Everything worked out for me," Leon agreed. "And everything worked out for her. But that doesn't mean it works out every time. Sometimes you have to fight." He jumped from the railing and walked to the door.

"Squall…" Axel called out, once more calling the older man by the name he had known him by when they had been still kids. Maybe he had been wrong. Maybe there _was_ still strength left for him to care. He heard Leon sigh, but this time he seemed to let the use of this unloved name slide.

"What is it?" Leon asked, and for a moment Axel hesitated, wanted to stay quiet…

"Do you love Cloud?" he asked meekly, even though he knew the answer.

"Yes, I do," Leon answered without even hesitating a second.

"Do you tell him?" Axel couldn't hold the question back.

"As often as I dare to. As often as he lets me. I learned my lesson," the older man replied gently. "But that's not what you wanted to ask."

No. It wasn't. But Axel was scared of the answer to his question.

"How do you know?" he heard himself whisper, and he let his guard down completely. It didn't matter anymore. He didn't need to be strong here. Leon would not tell anyone about their talk. Axel felt tears gather in his eyes, but he couldn't let them fall. "How do you know it will work out? How do you know he tells the truth when he tells you he loves you? How do you know you won't get hurt?" He closed his eyes and felt the first tears roll down his cold feeling cheeks.

"_I love you,"_ Roxas whispered inside his head. _Liar!_ he screamed wordlessly, and he wished he could just have shouted it out loud.

"You can't know that," Leon answered. "You have to have faith. You have to trust him."

Axel couldn't help a bitter laugh escaping him. Of course Leon knew Axel wasn't talking about him and Cloud anymore. Everybody had noticed it, it seemed. Oh, why not? Why shouldn't everybody see how miserable Axel was? It didn't matter anymore. How much more could his heart possibly break now?

Without another word he jumped up and left. He ignored Leon calling out for him and telling him to go home; he ignored Cloud, who just entered the house when Axel rushed past him; he ignored a young man yelling after him when he nearly knocked him down in his haste to get away. Where to? He didn't know. Just away from friends who told him to _trust_ someone!

How could he trust someone he didn't _know_?

* * *

Of course he ended up at the beach. He always seemed to end up there; the fucking island was so small, sooner or later he would _always_ end up at a fucking beach.

He stared at the sea, suddenly feeling helpless and small and _caged_. Back in Hollow Bastion he would have been able to run away; he would have been able to go to Twilight Town or Neverland or fucking _anywhere _if he wanted to.

Here he could just circle the island, and eventually he would get to the part of the beach that belonged to the Harada mansion. To that dreaded beach where… where he had tried to kill Roxas. To that dreaded beach where they had kissed. To that dreaded beach where…

"_I love you…"_

"Liar!" he yelled, finally releasing all the pain, all the fear, all the anger, and he ignored all the people who turned to stare at him confused. He dropped to his knees, repeating his bitter lament over and over again, until his throat felt raw and his head started to hurt; he stared at the setting sun and never noticed the tears wetting his pale cheeks.

Eventually all the other people left the beach. Mothers shooed their children away from him, couples left in a hurry, a group of kids playing down at the shore fled the beach, frightened of the young man with crazy red hair and startling green eyes and freaky tattoos on his face, who screamed his endless accusation out to the sea. Nobody dared to talk to him, or to ask him what was wrong. But nothing, nothing, nothing was wrong. He had just been an idiot. He had just been too credulous. And now he was hurt, and it was his own fault. He had fallen for Roxas' pretty mask, and not once had he even tried to look past it. He had so desperately wanted to believe that Roxas could be the innocent angel he had wanted him to be…

Axel sat in the warm sand, and he didn't know if his body trembled because of anger or because of the overwhelming pain.

"_I love you…"_

'_I wonder how long it will take until he crosses you out?'_

His breath came in ragged gasps by now, and it was so hard to breathe… The sky and the sea were burning, and the sight was so horrid, so beautiful it _hurt_.

His eyes felt heavy and dry, the stiff breeze tried to take all warmth from his body. He shivered, closed his eyes when the wind made his hair tickle his face. He didn't attempt to brush it back. Instead his shivering hand felt around for his book bag.

He pulled out the light green folder and threw it into the sand, flipping it open while pulling out his lighter with his free hand. He ripped some of the letters out of the folder.

He grinned when he held them in front of his face, crumpled and ripped, ready to be destroyed. They had taken away his happiness; now they could help him feel better again.

He knew his laughter sounded hysteric and wrong when he set the first letters on fire. He threw them high into the air, watched with childlike glee as the wind tore them out to the burning sea without mercy. The next letters were lighted, and he felt the warmth of the dancing flames in his hands; he smelled the smoky scent of the burning paper, and he savored the beauty of the small fire. Mesmerized he stared into the flames before he opened his hand to let them go.

Just the empty folder remained in the sand, and Axel laughed as burning shreds danced in the breeze, following the sun to the horizon. He still laughed when the last of them vanished in the quickly setting darkness.

But his eyes felt heavy and dry, and the insane laughter died down again; Axel closed his eyes for a moment and only opened them again when he felt his backside hit the sand. He uttered a choked gasp when he fell backwards into the warm sand, the impact driving the air out of his lungs. He stared up to the sky, but didn't see the stars yet. Strange; his whole body seemed to grow cold and heavy… He felt tired… So… tired…

His eyes closed again. Too little sleep and exhaustion, both mental and physical, took their toll on him; the rolling of the waves was his lullaby, and his sleep was deep and dreamless.

* * *

He woke before dawn, and it took him some time to realize where he was. He felt cold; it was always warm on the islands, but he still felt cold. His clothes were full of sand, and his eyes felt scratchy.

He got up, feeling drained and empty. He somehow got home; he sneaked into his room without waking his friends, took a quick shower and left the house again without talking to them.

On his way to school he kept his gaze fixed to the ground. He sat down next to the still closed gates, smoked two or three cigarettes while he waited. Leon and Cloud showed up a few minutes later; Cloud took the cigarette from him and flicked it away.

"Idiot," he simply said. "Stop making my cousin worry about you."

Axel just smiled, but stayed where he was. Leon followed Cloud inside, obviously concluding it would be no use trying to talk to Axel now. He had known him long enough to know what that hopeless little smile meant. It was the same smile a certain four-year-old had shown when he had been introduced to the other children in the orphanage. It was the same smile the very same redhead had always put on when those children had made fun of him; when he had calmly explained to Matron it had been him who had started the fight, when everybody knew it was a lie; when he had told Leon he was happy for him, now that he had found his father, and oh, no, he'd be alright, it would be okay for Leon to go…

It was faked, through and through, and Leon had known him long enough to see that.

Axel watched small white clouds wander over the perfect sky. He ignored other students who passed the gates next to him. He lit another cigarette, but only took a single drag before he threw it away again. He thoughtfully followed the bluish-white smoke curling up to the sky with his eyes and thought of burning letters.

When he finally decided to go inside he still was the first one to enter the class room. He flopped down onto his seat and waited for his classmates to show up. He knew he should have been surprised to find the seat next to him empty when their teacher entered the room and silenced the whole class with a glare, yet somehow he wasn't.

He didn't even look up when Mr. Xemnas asked if anybody knew why four people were missing, and yet he knew everybody was staring at him now.

He stayed silent. For all he knew they could throw a party over at the Harada mansion. Why should he care?

It took only minutes until the door opened again. Axel still refused to look up. Only when Mr. Xemnas' deep voice announced the names of the four tardy students, his eyes moved; he didn't want to, but he still looked to the front of the class.

He didn't even notice the other three. It was always like this. The only thing he would see was Roxas, every single time they were in the same room; even though the blond seemed awfully pale, even though he was obviously shaking like a leaf, even though fear was shining in his unnaturally blue eyes, Axel couldn't take his eyes off him.

Far, far away Axel listened to the lies Sora, Kairi and Naminé told their teacher. He was too busy keeping himself in check to actually _register_ what they were saying. He noticed his fingers dug deeply into his arms; the pain helped a little, and at least he didn't feel like he would suffocate every moment anymore.

But his traitorous heart, it ached to run to the front of the room and comfort the small, scared boy with the sad blue eyes. He wanted those deep blue eyes to shine with happiness again, he wanted Roxas to smile; and he grew more and more irritated, because he felt this way, the _wrong_ way, instead of wishing for Roxas to hurt. Oh, he _wanted_ Roxas to be hurt, but he _needed_ him to be happy; he couldn't stand seeing him like this; so desperate and fearful, so broken and hopeless…

He forced himself to look away, but even when he closed his eyes, those sad blue eyes wouldn't go away. His heart pounded in his chest, so slow, so loud, so painful, everybody in the room had to hear it and _know_ everything.

Angrily he gritted his teeth and looked straight ahead again. From the corners of his eyes he saw a flash of black and white and yellow pass him, but mere anger and hurt pride kept him from looking to the side.

He could do this. He knew it would hurt, but he had been through worse than that.

He only realized how wrong he had been when he noticed how loud his own voice reverberated in the otherwise silent classroom; how hysterical and wrong and desperate his laughter sounded; how angry and emotional and hateful the words spilling from his mouth were.

He stopped, too late… What had he said? Oh no, _no_, now they all _knew_, now his filthy, wretched past was revealed, and the man with silver hair in the front of the room, why were his eyes so glaring aquamarine…?

He raised a hand to touch his suddenly tight throat, tried to gasp for air, but it was no use; he could hear maniac laughter, and even though he knew his teacher's eyes were amber colored, he felt like aquamarine ones were watching him. He wanted to scream, but still couldn't breathe…

"Mr. Kouen?" his teacher's voice penetrated the insane chuckling ringing in his ears; Axel pressed a hand over his mouth to keep the fearful whimpers inside, and cursed himself for being so _weak_.

"I… I think… I'm gonna be sick…" he forced out, suddenly fully aware all of his classmates were watching him; and cerulean eyes were watching him too, and he couldn't stand the thought, because their owner would know what was happening to him, because he knew everything about what Axel had just shouted into their teacher's face and more, so much more, too much, too much, too much... The next thing he knew was that he stumbled against the wall in the hallway outside the classroom.

It took all of his strength to move on, one hand always keeping contact to the wall to avoid him falling down; two times he almost tripped in his haste to get away, away from maniac turquoise eyes, and even though he knew he _couldn't_ get away, he had to try. His free hand reached up to pull at his red hair, and the sharp pain helped to drive away the feeling of gloved hands running through it…

"Leave me alone!" he whispered feverish, and when his hand touched the door to the bathroom he opened it, only to slam it close behind himself again. He took a few more steps until he ran into the opposite wall. With a gasp he collapsed, both hands shooting up to his throat, to make the feeling of squeezing hand cutting off his air go away…

'_Yes, cry for me,' _a voice inside his head whispered. _'You are so beautiful when you cry.'_

"Go away," he whimpered.

'_Axel,'_ another voice said, and at once Kadaj's snickering was silenced. Axel gasped, finally able to breathe normally again. _'Nobody will hurt you, I promise.'_

With a small sniffle Axel pulled his knees up to his chest and pressed his hands against his hurting eyes. He wanted to cry so badly, but he couldn't, couldn't, _couldn't_…

The door opened. Axel winced, and before he could stop himself he lowered his hands. He knew who it was. He shouldn't have looked, but he did it anyway.

Roxas seemed relieved to see him, and Axel felt his face contort into an ugly scowl. It was irrational and immature and unfair, but Axel couldn't yet grasp the fact it had been Roxas, Roxas' voice, Roxas' sweet words that had kept his memories at bay; it was unfair, but Axel wanted Roxas to hurt, just like he did.

How _dared_ he to act so relieved! How could he _still_ hold up that sweet façade! How could he still act like he _cared_!

"Are you o-" Roxas started, but instantly fell silent when Axel hissed at him to shut up. The blond looked to the floor. His bangs hid his eyes from Axel's view, but the redhead somehow knew they were filled with tears now.

_Why is he always crying so much?_ he thought angrily, and he tried to smother the feeling of guilt, the ache to hold Roxas.

He rose from his sitting position on the floor to splash some water to his face; it didn't help at all, but he needed to do something to keep himself from either hitting or hugging the other boy in the room.

"I'm not okay," he spat, still holding onto the sink with trembling hands. "Do I _look_ like I'm okay? I'm not okay." And then, even though he didn't want it, he added, "I'm… I'm so tired…" The last word sounded much like a sob in his ears, and his own helplessness fuelled the anger boiling inside him.

He turned around, wiped his burning eyes with both hands. He needed to cool down again… He didn't dare to allow himself to cry here, he needed to think of his friends… They needed him, they still did…

"I can't afford breaking down now… Demy still needs me, and Riku… he finally believes me when… when I say I'm getting better… I can't…" he whispered, squeezing his eyes shut for a moment. He knew it was futile; he didn't believe his own words. Demyx had Zexion to look after him now, and Riku had _never_ believed him when he had told him he was alright. And yet he tried to tell both himself and the other boy in the room that there were reasons for him to stay strong.

A tired sigh fell from his lips, and he raked both hands through his hair in an attempt to calm himself down. But then he opened his eyes again, and so suddenly it surprised even himself, his fear turned into white-hot fury. His head whipped around, his eyes bore straight into surprisingly dry, blue ones, but Roxas quickly averted his gaze, looked at the mirrors instead.

"Do you think about me like that as well?" Roxas asked, and for a moment Axel was stunned. How could he stay so _calm_? Back in the classroom he had looked like he would faint every moment, but even though he was very pale now, his voice sounded strong, and his face sported an almost tranquil expression.

"What do you mean?" Axel heard himself ask; he didn't get Roxas' question. He had heard the words, but what did they mean?

"Do you think I'm one of those fucking rich emo kids who live in a mansion and don't know what loneliness is?" Roxas clarified, and his voice still sounded gentle. "Like that guy who wrote the book? Do you think I don't know other problems than too little pocket money? Do you think I'm like that?"

Axel stayed quiet for a moment. He was quite taken aback, to tell the truth. He barely remembered his words from before; he hadn't been quite all there back in the classroom.

But still he pondered on Roxas' words for a moment. Was Roxas like those rich kids he had learned to hate back in Hollow Bastion? Those kids who had made fun out of screwing the kids from the Southern Districts over?

A quiet hiss escaped him, and he could see Roxas wince, only slightly, but it was there.

"No," he snarled, and added, "I _didn't_ think about you like that as well. Now I don't know what to think anymore."

And it was the truth. Right this very moment there were far too many thoughts screaming in his head. And one of them grew louder and louder with every second…

He saw Roxas nod slowly, as if he had expected Axel to say something like this.

'_I wonder how long it will take until he crosses you out?'_

"Did you cross me out yet?" he asked, even though he didn't want to know the answer. This time Roxas didn't seem to have expected it; his eyes widened, and his head jerked around, his lips parted as a surprised gasp escaped him. He stared at Axel, and his eyes were just like a few days before, when Axel had confronted him in that empty classroom. Wide, scared, and so unbelievably guilty, it hurt Axel just to look at them.

And at the same time they were so beautiful he couldn't tear his gaze away.

"W… What?" Roxas asked, and his voice nearly broke.

"All the pictures… the ones in your room. They were crossed out. Did you cross me out as well?" Axel asked, grimacing in disgust when he thought about the pin board, about all the scraps of paper pinned to it; so goddamned _many_, and his picture had probably already joined them… "Have I already joined your bizarre… gallery of tested _idiots_?"

"_What_?" Roxas repeated, and now his voice broke for real. Oh, _now_ he acted like he cared! _Now_ he acted like he was sorry! _Now he acted as if he had cared about what they had at all!_

All the sweet lies, all the sweet kisses, all the sweet smiles had been nothing but fake. _Fake_!

"How could I be so _naïve_ and actually believe I was _special_?" Axel spat furiously, and he finally managed to tear his eyes away from Roxas, who still stared at him so fucking _scared_; he punched the wall hard, and the sharp pain shooting up his arm only fuelled his anger. He should have known! He should have seen that Roxas had only played with him! He should have _known_!

He no longer cared about keeping the rage he felt inside; he grabbed the nearest door and slammed the door shut, and oh, how _satisfying_ it was to watch Roxas jump and press up against the bathroom door, his already pale skin now completely draining of color. _Finally_ Axel was able to feel like he was supposed to. Finally he was able to relish Roxas' fear, his pain, his guilt.

"I was just another moron who fell for your little show, _right_?" he yelled, kicking another door. He didn't even notice his fists clenching.

"No!" Roxas shouted, his eyes wide and his whole body visibly shaking already. "You were… You _are_ not like them! You _are_ special! I lo-…"

"_I love you."_

_Lies_! Nothing but lies!

"If you tell me you _love_ me now, I swear to God I will leave Destiny Islands and go back to Hollow Bastion!" Axel roared, and his eyes narrowed slightly when he stared into Roxas' eyes again. Oh yes, he would rather put up with living on his own in Hollow Bastion again. He would rather put up with the threat of Riku's brothers finding him there. He would rather put up with _having his fucking heart ripped out of his chest_ than listening to those lies again! "How many of _them_ did you tell the same? Do the words still have _any_ meaning to you?"

No. They couldn't still have any meaning to him. Axel was sure Roxas had told all of his victims exactly the same. He was _sure_ of it. They meant nothing to him!

"But I never… I _never_ told…" Roxas whimpered, and for the tiniest moment Axel was tempted to believe him. He wanted to believe him so desperately, and he wanted to believe the sadness in his eyes, the desperation written all over his perfect, awfully pale face, was real.

'_He told me I was beautiful.'_

'_He told me he loved me.'_

'_He told me to leave.'_

"I'm so goddamned _tired_ of your fucking lies!" Axel shouted on top of his lungs, and again Roxas jumped and shied away. But he refused to look away this time.

"It wasn't a lie!" the small blond screamed. "I _never_ told them something like this! You are the only one…"

"And _how_ should I know if you're not lying _now_?" Axel interrupted him harshly. At first it seemed like Roxas wanted to reply… but then his mouth closed again, and he looked down to the floor. His bangs were hiding his eyes from Axel's view once more, and Axel wished he could see them again, shining with happiness like they used to; wished for it so desperately it broke his heart.

"You can't know," he finally replied. Regret and pain coated his choked voice, and still it sounded so beautiful to Axel… "You'd have to… trust me."

Axel froze. _Trust_ him? _Trust him_? _How_, after all he had learned about him? _How_, when he didn't know…

"But I guess that would be a bit too much to ask, huh?" Roxas continued, his voice growing softer and quieter with every word.

… when he didn't know if anything Roxas had said was _true_?

Axel could only stare at him. He was still panting for air, partly because of all the screaming he had done, partly because Roxas' mere presence took his breath away. It still did, and Axel hated himself for it. His eyes were drawn to Roxas' face again, and the despair he found there made the anger inside him cool down, until only empty sadness and disappointment remained.

"I should have known," he muttered defeated. He couldn't look at Roxas anymore, not even when he shoved the smaller boy out of his way. He heard Roxas whisper a question, but he couldn't answer. When his hand touched Roxas' shoulder, he briefly felt like he had to break down and cry, like he had to collapse in front of his blond angel and beg for his forgiveness, like he had to embrace him and hold him and kiss him and never let go…

But he let go again and left the room. Only then he dared to open his eyes again; he looked out of the window at the opposite wall, and he felt tears stinging in his eyes. The beautiful, perfect scenery outside seemed to mock him. He didn't belong here, in this perfect, tainted paradise.

"I should have known you were too perfect to be true," he whispered. Yes, he should have known it wouldn't last. Hadn't he learned already that nothing good ever happened to him?

But at least he seemed to have realized this by now, because it now was easier to look at Roxas. It was easier to act distant, easier to sit next to him without looking at him; easier to _hurt_ him, even though he never wanted to hurt Roxas on purpose. It was easier to forget about the things he had said, and about the things Roxas had said. It was… easier to forget how happy he had felt.

It was easier not to feel at all.

* * *

He somehow managed to drag himself through all of his classes. Oh, he knew he was acting snappy and bitchy towards his friends, but it was the only way he knew to hide how hurt he was. He even managed to get over with his classes without looking at Roxas anymore; only during sports he found himself unable to keep his eyes off Roxas for too long. He was sitting on the tribune next to the sports field, slouching in one of the uncomfortable seats, just a few seats away from Demyx and Zexion. His friends kept glancing at him when they thought he wouldn't notice. But he ignored them, like he had done all day.

He stared up to the bright sky, but it reminded him too much of a certain shade of blue he would never be able to forget. So he looked down again. And of course, his gaze was drawn to a certain spiky blonde head in the crowd of boys down on the field.

He knew he shouldn't have felt worried, but he saw how pale Roxas still was, and he noticed how his movements lacked their usual grace. Roxas was running all the time, but soon enough he was panting for air. Yet he didn't stop running. He was tired, even Axel could tell that from his seat. Yet he _didn't stop running_.

He shouldn't have felt worried. It wasn't his fault Roxas was overstraining himself. But when one of the other guys on the field pushed the smaller blond so hard he fell down, and when he didn't stand up again and just kept lying there, gasping for air and eyes wide open, Axel couldn't help but feel like he should run down there and beat that other guy to bloody pulp.

He knew he was straightening up a little in his seat; he knew his eyes widened worried when Roxas didn't move.

But then his eyes locked with cerulean ones for a split second, and Roxas' eyes widened, mimicked the worried expression in Axel's own; and then he scrambled to his feet and continued to run, as if nothing had happened. Heck, he even smiled and laughed at something Cloud said. And nothing could have hurt more than this serene, carefree smile.

Axel wanted to run down now, he wanted to grab Roxas and shake him and yell at him, that he should be miserable, that he should stop smiling, that he… that he had to act like he _cared_.

But instead he leaned back and curled up in his seat again, careful not to let his anger show. He stayed like this until Riku showed up after the end of the class, and then he went home with his friends.

* * *

He tried to escape them as soon as he had closed the front door behind himself, but looking up he found himself fixed by three pairs of eyes. Well, two pairs, a sole dark blue one, and one made out of glass.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" Riku spoke up first. Of course. It was always him who spoke up first, even though it was Demyx who noticed something was wrong most of the time.

"Nothing," he answered and tried to act as cheerful as possible without being suspicious. Judging by their dark expressions, he hadn't acted very well. "Why do you ask?"

"Why do I…" Riku repeated and shook his head. "Damn it, Axel…"

"I really have no idea what you're talking about," Axel affirmed innocently. He grinned when Riku's eyes took on a murderous glare. "But _you_ seem a bit off right now…"

"Stop it!" Riku yelled and stepped forward.

"Stop what?" Axel retorted, still grinning like a maniac.

"Stop _acting_!" Riku answered. And then he did something Axel had already been waiting for.

But he still uttered a surprised gasp when Riku's fist connected with his stomach. He doubled over, wheezing and holding his stomach and trying to resist when Riku grabbed his collar and shoved him back. He stumbled a few steps, almost fell, but managed to hold onto something. Coughing and grimacing he tried to straighten up, but the pain in his abdomen kept him from doing so. He fell to his knees instead.

Damn, he had completely forgotten how hard Riku could hit.

But almost instantly he was hauled to his feet again, a hand closing around his biceps like a vice. He automatically raised his arms to protect his face, but another blow was dealt to his side, and Axel couldn't hold back a pained yell. But this time he managed to strike back, and his fist connected with the side of Riku's head. The punch wasn't directed very well or very forceful, but at least it made Riku let go of Axel's shirt for a second.

Flashing aquamarine eyes met Axel's, and Riku looked like he wanted to attack Axel again. But by now Zexion and Demyx had overcome their shock and stepped between them, Zexion holding Riku's arm and Demyx clutching Axel's shoulder.

"Stop it, you two!" Zexion hissed sharply. Axel and Riku glared at each other again, and for a moment it looked like Riku would just shove Zexion out of his way. He could do it easily, no doubt, but seconds passed by, and Riku didn't move.

"What the fuck is wrong with you, Riku?" Axel panted, gently brushing Demyx' hand from his shoulder. He ignored Demyx' sad look. "I'm _fine_, I tell you!"

"Then why did you hold that nice little speech of yours in Literature?" Riku snapped angrily. "Why did you almost break down yesterday, when I was in your room? Why were you missing all night?"

"How do you know about Lit-" Axel started frowning, but he stopped himself when Riku took a step forward, only to be stopped by both Zexion and Demyx.

"I know you only have eyes for one person when he's in the room," Riku spat, but stepped back obediently, crossing his arms. "But Sora was in that class as well. And _I,_ unlike someone I know, _talk_ to my boyfriend."

"He's not…" Axel tried to speak up, but again he had to interrupt himself. He sighed and looked to the floor, rubbing his temples. Oh, he could feel a headache approaching, and it would be far worse than the bruises Riku had caused. And they would bruise, no doubt. Axel winced and pressed a hand against his side, but cursed himself when his move just intensified the pain.

"What happened between you two?" Demyx spoke up shyly, his melodic voice strained and full of worry. Axel didn't even dare to look at him. He knew he would give in when he looked into Demyx' innocent eyes.

"Nothing," he lied and ignored both Zexion's and Riku's frowns.

"You're such a bad liar," Zexion commented calmly.

"I'm fine," Axel insisted stubbornly. He didn't know whether he tried to convince his friends or himself.

"_You are special,"_ Roxas cried inside his head. _"I love you…"_

"Yeah, _everyone_ can see that," Demyx… sneered? _Sneered_? Axel stared at the smaller boy surprised, and it was true, a smirk adorned Demyx' face. A bitter, mirthless smirk, but a smirk nonetheless. "You are fine. You are so goddamned fine you are about to break down, but you won't tell us what's wrong. You never do." He sighed, and the strange, unfitting smile gave way to a hopeless one. "I'm sick of it." And then he left.

Axel gaped at him as he retreated upstairs, but quickly put on a neutral expression again when Zexion roughly squeezed past him to follow Demyx.

"You fucked up big time, asshole," Riku added before he, too, followed his friends upstairs.

Axel was left alone in the hallway, and even though he despised himself for it, he felt relieved. Now, finally they would stop asking questions. Finally they would stop worrying about him. It was better this way.

* * *

About half an hour later the door to his room opened. Axel didn't look up from his homework. He kept chewing on his pencil while he tried to remember the exact date of the beginning of the Second Keyblade War. And had it been General Terra or General Ven who had led their men to victory? Wait, hadn't General Ven died before the war had ended? And what about General Aqua? Hadn't she won that one battle almost on her own, when all her men had already been slain…?

"I'm going to visit Sora," Riku said quietly, and still Axel refused to look up. "Do you want to come along?"

Axel didn't answer. Instead he reached out and turned on his stereo. Ah, yes, he liked that song…

"Do you want me to tell Roxas something?" Riku insisted.

Axel turned up the volume.

"Do you want me to ask him anything?" Riku tried again.

Axel started to hum along with the song.

"Are you going to stop acting like an asshole anytime soon?" Riku asked coolly, just loud enough for Axel to hear over the music.

Axel rose from his chair, moving along with the beat, and started to sing on top of his lungs. His voice wasn't nearly as nice as Demyx', and he didn't hit all the notes right, but he didn't care. He danced around his chair, felt the music flow through his body, and tried to forget about everything else.

With a swift kick he closed the door. He smirked at Riku's glare, and, without ceasing his rhythmic movements, reached out to turn the key of his door around twice.

He heard Riku knock twice, and jumped back to turn up the volume, still singing along. Oh, he loved dancing… he loved how easily the beat made his body sway and how quickly his dark thoughts died down. Nothing was left but movement, nothing but the rhythm, nothing but…

His hands brushed up his arms, and the slight touch made him shiver.

_Cold, gloved hands brushed over his skin before they closed around it in a bruising grip…_

_Small, warm hands glided over his arms before they moved to link behind his neck, pulling him down…_

His long fingers touched his lips, and he sighed shakily.

_Hot lips moved on his, forced his mouth open, small, perfect teeth sunk into his flesh, drawing blood…_

_Soft lips met his, shy, deliberate, needy, but cautious, perfect in every way, and his heart fluttered inside his chest…_

He raked his hands through his spiky hair, and a small sob tore itself from his trembling lips.

_Slender hands closed around his hair and pulled, harsh, rough, painful…_

_Delicate fingers weaved through his hair, tender, maybe a bit clumsy and a bit too greedy, but so gentle, so loving…_

He collapsed in the middle of his room, leaning against the bed for support; he rested his head on his arms, panting for air even though he wasn't out of breath, and he tried to shut out the memories, both of his tormentor and of his beloved angel. He still could feel Kadaj's hands all over his body, and he shuddered violently, and he could hear Roxas whispering sweet nothings to him, and his hands clenched around his sheets when he shivered again, but this time it felt… better. He closed his eyes, and he could see aquamarine eyes, could see cerulean ones; he opened them again and could feel smooth leather under his hands as he tried to push Kadaj away, could feel trembling flesh under thin clothing when he pulled Roxas closer.

He turned around and groaned loudly, resting his back against the bed, drawing his long legs up and fisting his hands in his hair.

He stayed like this for a long time, tried just to listen to the music and failed; because all he heard was insane laughter and a gentle voice whispering sweet lies.

* * *

It took him hours to get up again; the sun had set long time ago, and stars were sparkling in a perfect night sky.

He thought he was thirsty, so he dragged himself down to the kitchen, and he promptly forgot what he came here for. Nobody was there; he suspected Riku was still with Sora, and Demyx and Zexion were probably asleep already. Good. _Good_. That was just what he wanted, right? He didn't want them to worry about him. It was better they weren't here. Wasn't it?

He sat down at the table slowly, closing his eyes and folding his hands in front of his face. They felt cold, he wasn't used to that. Usually his hands always felt warm…

He rested his forehead against his folded hands, and for the millionth time that day he tried to calm his raving thoughts. He thought of his fight with Riku earlier and felt guilty; he thought of Demyx' harsh words and felt sad; he thought of the disappointment shining in Zexion's eye and felt ashamed.

But most of all he thought of Roxas, and he felt…

… Empty. Tired. Hollow.

Why had he been so _stupid_? He had never been this… careless when it came to trusting other people. Hell, he never even _had_ trusted other people.

His friends didn't know it, but back when they had been kids he had not just spoken to them out of the blue. He had followed Demyx home when he had seen bruises on his thin arms in school, had watched through the dirty kitchen window as his father had almost knocked him unconscious before he had approached him. He had watched Riku visit Cloud and had listened to the one-sided conversations Riku had tried to engage Cloud in. He had eavesdropped on Riku and Aerith more than once, yet he had been careful to act surprised when Demyx and Riku had finally come to him and confessed the abuse Riku had endured. He had even spied on Zexion as soon as he had noticed Demyx had taken an interest in the silent boy. He had witnessed more than once how some boys from his class had bullied the 'bookworm', and not once had he seen Zexion fight back. After that he had encouraged Demyx to talk to Zexion more often.

But even back then, even when they still had been kids, even though he had patiently coaxed them into trusting him enough to open up to him, he had never dared to do the same. Because he had thought they would never like him as much if he told them he still dreamed of having a family; because he had been sure they would laugh at him if he told them he cried every time he failed to remember his mother's face; because he had known they wouldn't understand how much it hurt to open up…

Yes, yes he knew how much it hurt. Having his parents ripped away from him while still a child, he knew how much it hurt to rely on others so much. Even Leon had left him, the only person back in the orphanage in Hollow Bastion who had really seemed to care for him. And Riku's brothers, they had used his affection for his friends against him, had _perverted_ it. He knew it hurt…

And yet he had fallen for Roxas so quickly…

His cold hands twitched, and a bitter lump formed in his throat. How could he ever have believed someone as perfect, someone as angelic as his Sunshine could stand his filthy, tainted presence? How could he ever have _dared_ to think Roxas could feel for him the same way? It had been too good, too perfect to be true. And he was sure he had known, deep down; but he had needed Roxas so much, he had needed his innocence and pureness… He had needed it to cleanse his soul of the memories of the hell he had endured…

But it had been _fake_. Nothing would ever be able to make him forget about his corruption. He didn't deserve to be loved, everything, everything Roxas had said and done, everything had been a lie; and Axel had been too blinded by his feelings to see it.

He should never have let it come this far.

He felt alone, and small, and helpless. But he tried to fight those feelings, because he had to. Because he was supposed to be able to hide them for the sake of his friends. He was supposed to be the strong one. He was supposed to protect them. He had failed lately, and he knew it; his flashbacks, his mood swings and his selfish desires had hurt his friends. He needed to stop…

He didn't know how long he sat there. He thought of waking Demyx and Zexion once, so he could apologize. But what good would that do _now_? So he stayed where he was, and he tried to remember how to be strong.

He jumped when he heard a knock, his heart suddenly thumping against his ribs almost painfully. He opened his eyes and blinked; when had he closed them anyway? And why had he opened them? He felt disoriented, and it took him a few seconds to remember the hesitant knock on the back door.

He slowly rose from his chair and shuffled over to the door, opening it and staring into the darkness outside. How strange; wasn't somebody supposed to be here? They had knocked after all…

It was no use. He couldn't see anything, his eyes were still accustomed to the light inside the kitchen. All he saw were shadows.

He wanted to close the door again, feeling mildly angered about the person who had knocked, but he froze when he looked down and noticed something lying on the doorstep.

He blinked and tried to take a closer look. Yes… it looked like a file or something. But strange, black, with golden ornaments on it. Why would anybody leave that on his doorstep?

He leaned on the door for a moment while he stared down at it confused. Finally he bent down to pick it up. He almost dropped it again; his hands were still feeling so cold, numb, he barely felt them anymore.

There was nothing on it that showed whom it belonged to. No name, no address, nothing. Pondering for a moment whether to ask his friends if it belonged to them, he finally decided to take a quick look at the inside.

He opened the file. The contents contrasted very much with the dark background. At first he only saw colors, without any shape; then he realized the colors were actually _faces_, and then…

He couldn't help the pained moan escaping him. He couldn't help his legs giving out underneath him, and he couldn't help the tears suddenly clouding his vision. While he slowly slid down along the doorstep, holding a hand over his mouth to muffle a loud sob, he kept staring at two faces, two faces he knew all too well…

She… She looked… She looked just like his mother…

On the right side of the file, there was a picture of himself; his image was smiling, head tilted to the side a little, disturbingly green eyes peering to the left. And on the left side…

She was beautiful. He didn't remember his mother very well; he had been four when she had died after all, and he didn't own any pictures of her. But this girl, she looked just like her, with her red hair and her blue eyes… only her smile was different; it was a smile he saw in the mirror on his good days, a smile everybody told him he had inherited from his father, along with his eyes. Her head was tilted to the side as well, mimicking picture-Axel's stance, and her blue, blue eyes were glancing at him. Her red hair was long, longer than he remembered his mother's to have been.

She was so _young_…

Fourteen. She would be fourteen now.

Of course he recognized the handwriting as he read the name underneath the picture of his sister. Of course he recognized the style the picture was drawn in; it was the same as a certain picture of him inside a certain notebook.

But he didn't need any of those clues to know who had drawn those portraits.

He closed his eyes, no longer able to stand the sight of his lovely sister. He felt hot tears run down his cold cheeks, and he desperately clutched the drawings to his chest while heavy sobs threatened to tear his body apart. His hand fell from his mouth, as it was no use to try to stifle his sounds of despair and forlornness any longer. His head fell to the side limply, resting on the doorframe, while painful, pitiful, convulsive sobbing almost choked him.

Fourteen… She would be fourteen now, and she would be just as beautiful as their mother… His sister, his lovely sister, Ariel…

It wasn't fair. It wasn't _fair_! Why was _he_ allowed to live, when the lively, fair girl the picture showed wasn't? Why, why, why, _why_? Why did it _hurt so much_?

_Why did Roxas try to hurt him so?_

Of course he knew who had drawn those pictures, and the thought of his blonde angel made him only cry harder, until he felt like he was suffocating on all the tears. Roxas was the only one… the only one who knew about his sister, the only one whom he had ever trusted enough to share his secret with…

And then he heard it.

Faint, very silent, but he heard some leaves rustling, and he heard soft footfalls…

He opened his eyes again, but he still couldn't see anything. Slowly, clumsily he struggled to his feet, stepped forward, into the darkness…

"ROXAS!" he yelled as loud as he could, so loud his raw throat started to hurt, and he could hear a quiet gasp and louder footsteps from around the corner. He closed his eyes again. "I know you're there! Come back here!" He knew his voice sounded awful, shrill and desperate, but he didn't care. He needed Roxas to come back; he needed Roxas to explain…

Why, why, _why_ did he have to hurt Axel so much?

"_ROXAS_!" he screamed once more; his head, his eyes, his throat hurt like a bitch, but it was nothing compared to the gaping wound in his heart.

He stumbled through the garden to the front of the house, still holding onto the file in his hands, still crying, still half-blind from the tears, still on the verge of collapsing… It was pure stubbornness that kept him on his feet by now, but still he ran and tripped and almost fell, regaining his balance quickly and running even faster, until he reached the small gate…

He could barely see anything, but sensed movement down the street. He knew who that was, and he wanted to call out to him again, but no sound left his mouth; his abused throat wouldn't let him utter even the smallest sound anymore.

So he could only stare after Roxas, finally falling to his knees on the pavement, tears streaming down his face in silence. His shoulders jerked with every soundless gasp, with every quiet sob, and he curled up around the file in his hands, unable to stop the tears dripping from his burning eyes.

Demyx and Zexion found him like this, and he knew they would be worried about him again now; he just shook his head when Demyx tried to ask him what had happened, signaling he wasn't yet able to answer, and maybe would never be.

Demyx embraced him, tried to comfort him, and Axel's body and mind didn't hold the strength to resist any longer. He let himself be pulled to his feet, he felt Demyx taking one arm and Zexion the other, and he followed them obediently when they tried to lead him back into the house. But he just shook his head again when Zexion asked him about the file, and once more he nearly fell down when the mere thought of his sister's picture made his vision go black for a second. He felt drained, but still he clung to the file like his life depended on it…

He collapsed on the couch in the living room, and he felt the couch dip a little when Demyx sat next to him. He let himself be pulled into a gentle embrace, and he buried his face in Demyx' shirt, still shaking and crying and hating himself for losing control like this. He released the file to hold onto his long-time friend with one hand; his other hand still pressed the file against his chest, and again he curled up around it as best as he could, squeezed his eyes shut and sobbed his bleeding heart out. Demyx gently caressed his face, because he knew this would usually help. And from somewhere behind himself Axel could feel a hesitant hand start to rub his back comfortingly.

Oh damn. How bad did it have to be for even _Zexion_ to try to calm him down?

Eventually the tears dried up, and eventually Axel's drained body simply refused to stay awake any longer. Still holding onto Demyx and the file, he fell asleep; he didn't hear his friends whisper about him anymore, but instead other whispering voices tormented him in his dreams.

* * *

_He opened his eyes and knew they were still closed; it was a weird feeling he always got when he was dreaming. But his closed eyes were open now, and he stared into an endlessly gray sky. _

_He was lying on his back, and a white sun glared down at him without blinding him; taking a closer look he noticed it wasn't white, but tinged a dull shade of ivory. Gray clouds surrounded it and finally swallowed the sun whole. The sky grew dark. _

_He sat up and took a look around. He wasn't surprised to find the whole world around himself turned gray, just like the sky. He also wasn't surprised to sit at a beach. The sand beneath his hands was wet. He couldn't feel it, but he knew it was. _

"_My, what a pretty little redhead," a familiar, hideous, laughing voice behind him said. _

_Axel didn't look around, because he knew who it was. Instead he reached up to grab a strand of his hair, pulling it in front of his face and gazing at it curiously. It was really red. How could it still hold color here?_

"_My beautiful redhead, what are you doing here all alone?" Kadaj asked him mockingly. _

"_I'm not alone," Axel answered, drawing his knees up to his chest to rest his chin on them. He stared at the gray sea. "He is here."_

"_But he can't hear you, can he?" Kadaj asked and stepped beside him. Axel just looked up to him briefly; he saw silver hair, aquamarine eyes and a cold smirk, and he looked away again. He reached out to draw strange patterns into the wet sand with one finger. _

"_No," he admitted. He looked up again, looked down to the shoreline, and this time he could see another figure sitting there. It was clad in all black and white, but just like Axel its hair hadn't lost its color yet. Golden spikes, swept to the side a little, were tousled by the stiff breeze. _

"_Why don't you talk to him?" a gentle, female voice asked; Axel looked to his side again, saw red hair and blue eyes and a beautiful smile, and looked away again. _

_The figure down there hadn't moved. It held its hands in front of its face; that much he could see from his position. Gray water lapped at its feet. _

"_Because it hurts," Axel answered and looked down. He watched his fingers draw more patterns, but then he wiped them away again. _

"_But it also hurts to see him like this," Ariel stated calmly._

"_Yes," Axel muttered._

"_But not as much as his lies do," Kadaj added._

"_No," Axel said._

"_And who are you to judge other people about lying?" Ariel asked, and Axel didn't know whether she meant Kadaj or himself. "He did it to protect you."_

"_He did it to hurt you," Kadaj disagreed. _

"_He was just scared," Ariel said._

"_He was just selfish," Kadaj hissed. _

_Axel slowly rose from the sand and walked down to the shore. He looked down at the lone figure huddled down there. The water level had risen a little, now washing over black sneakers and wetting black pants. Roxas held his hands to his face, blue eyes peering through his fingers. He stared down at the surface of the water, and when Axel took a closer look, he thought he could see black, unrecognizable scribbles emerge from its depths. _

"_He tried to hold back for you," Ariel next to him said. _

_Axel looked to the side, but instead of seeing his sister, he saw…_

**… _Roxas sitting near a small fireplace, and himself dancing around the bonfire; Roxas' eyes were wide, his face flushed slightly – Axel didn't know how he could tell, when everything was still drowned in gray – his expression surprised and awestruck…_**

**… _The scene changed quickly, and now Axel was sitting next to Roxas; he knew their friends were still with them as well, but he couldn't see them. He saw himself putting his arm around Roxas' shoulders, and he saw Roxas looking to the side, obviously feeling very uncomfortable…_**

"_Why does he touch me all the time?" Roxas' gentle voice sounded behind him; Axel looked back, but Roxas sitting in the water hadn't moved. He still stared down at the water, peering through his fingers. But his lips moved when he spoke up again. "What does it mean? Why is he acting like this? Why is he confusing me so?"_

_He looked back, but the scene had already vanished. _

"_Oh, _did_ he hold back for you?" Kadaj sneered next to him, and again Axel turned his head. _

**… _Roxas was sitting on him, straddling his hips as he leaned down, never noticing Axel's shocked expression because his eyes were closed…_**

"_He is so beautiful, like an angel," Roxas behind him whispered. "I want him… I need to know what his lips feel like…"_

**… _Roxas was pressing against him, both hands buried in Axel's hair, and he was kissing Axel next to the fireplace, didn't notice how empty the redhead's look had become, how his hands were raised halfway as if to defend himself…_**

"_He wants it too… why else would he be so nice to me?" Roxas behind him asked, confusion lacing his voice. "Everybody who's nice to me wants this… He didn't push me away… He's so nice, he comforted me, he likes me too…"_

**… _Now it was Axel who was straddling Roxas, and his hands were closed tightly around the smaller boy's throat…_**

"_Why does he hurt me?" Roxas behind him sobbed. "What did I do? He was so nice to me, nobody is nice to me just because of me, he wanted it too, didn't he? Why does he hate me so?"_

"_But he at least _tried_," Ariel chastised Axel. "_You_ didn't. You didn't care how much it would confuse him."_

**… _Now it was Axel who kissed Roxas, even though he was confused, even though he knew Roxas knew about his past, and even though he knew Roxas had to feel disgusted, because Axel was disgusted by himself; but he kissed Roxas, and the blond's eyes were wide and surprised, and he didn't push Axel away…_**

"_Why is he kissing me?" Roxas behind him whispered, clearly upset. "I ruined everything. Why is he still here? I ruined everything! I always ruin everything! He can't really like me after all I've done… Why, why, why, why…"_

**… _Two bodies, entangled, movements slow and then fast, desperate and then gentle, heated, needy, searching, hands touching bare skin, eyes and lips exploring, voices moaning and whispering each other's name…_**

"_Axel, Axel, _Axel_," Roxas behind him half moaned, half gasped, and Axel couldn't resist taking a look at him. The water already reached his waist with every wave, but Roxas didn't seem to care; his eyes were closed, his hands no longer covering his face, but buried in his golden hair instead; his back was arched, his head laid back, his expression ecstatic. "Touch me, take me, make me yours, I love you, I love you, I love you…" _

_But then his eyes opened again, stared up to the gray sky, and Axel knew this was the very moment when Roxas had begged him to stop… _

"_No, but I can't do this, he doesn't know who I am; he doesn't know what I did; I can't, I can't…" Roxas slumped; his hands fell into the water with a splash. "He has to wait, why won't he wait? I can't do this, I must tell him, must tell him what kind of monster I am…"_

"_But you're not a monster…" Axel whispered, but Roxas sitting in the water didn't hear him. _

"_Oh, but he is," Kadaj whispered right next to his ear._

"_No, he is not," Ariel whispered on the other side. _

"_You know what he did to all those people," Kadaj hissed. "He's nothing but a little liar, a heartbreaker, a whore…"_

"_And he feels sorry for it," Ariel sighed. "Because now he must fear he will lose you because of the mistakes he made in the past."_

"_He is the reason I came back to you," Kadaj growled, and Axel flinched when he could feel a cold finger trace his ear, then brush down his neck. "You had almost gotten rid of me…"_

_Axel turned his head to the side, and he saw…_

**… _He was running, running home, running away from the strange, angelic, devilish, confusing, terrible, beautiful boy who had tried to kiss him. But a shadow seemed to follow his every step, reached him, swallowed him, unholy mirth dancing in aquamarine eyes when Kadaj embraced him from behind. Axel fell to his knees, pale and trembling and scared and helpless, and his teeth dug into his own hand painfully when he bit down on it to keep himself from screaming… It was all he could do to keep the screams of fear inside while Kadaj whispered into his ear…_**

"_I guess I should be grateful you met this guy," Kadaj chuckled amused. _

"_But now he's protecting you from this… monster," Ariel said, and Kadaj removed his hand from Axel's neck. Axel tried to look at his sister again, but he saw…_

**… _Himself again, and the shadow was threatening to take him over again, but… Roxas was with him, held him, whispered something to him, his azure eyes staring deeply into frightened green ones… and the shadow vanished._**

"_I won't let him hurt you anymore," Roxas behind him promised, but his voice was barely above a whisper. _

"_Scream for me, Akuseru," Kadaj hissed into his ear._

"_He did everything to protect you," Ariel said warningly. "He knew he couldn't tell you before, because you still needed him to be 'Sunshine'…"_

"_It was so nice to be Sunshine for you…" Roxas breathed. _

"_He wanted to protect you!" Ariel cried. _

"_Cry for me, my red-haired beauty," Kadaj laughed. _

"_You trusted him," Ariel sobbed desperately. "Why do you care about the letters so much? Why don't you believe what he tells you?"_

"_Nobody will ever love you," Kadaj told him with pleasure. "Because everybody can see how much I tainted you."_

"_He didn't want to hurt you," Ariel whispered. _

"_But he did hurt you," Kadaj smirked. _

"_He is right for you," Ariel breathed._

"_He is too perfect (too tainted too pure too broken too innocent too dirty) for you," Kadaj sneered._

"_You don't need Sunshine anymore," Ariel said._

"_You never deserved Sunshine anyway," Kadaj snarled._

"_I'm sorry…"_

_Axel looked up alarmed when he realized how weak Roxas' voice was. _

_Roxas was standing a few feet away from the shore now; the water reached his waist, and he was hugging himself. His hair and his clothes were wet, clung to his face and his small body like a second skin. _

_Colorless, smoky arms reached out to him from the water. Faceless creatures emerged from the sea, grabbed Roxas' clothes, his arms, his hair. Sheets of paper were swimming around him; letters, lying and accusing, Axel knew._

_But Roxas turned around, and for the first time in this strange dream, his eyes locked with Axel's. And… he smiled. It was beautiful, gorgeous, dazzling, driving all the shadows away and giving Axel's dream back the colors. The sea, it was blue; the sand, a warm beige; the sun, now blinding white; the clouds were gone, and the sky showed the very perfect shade of blue of Roxas' eyes. _

_Roxas laughed, and Axel took a few steps forward, feeling water wash over his feet. He was drawn to this laugh; it was so carefree, so innocent, so perfect, he needed to protect it…_

"_I love you," Axel heard Roxas whisper, even though he was too far away and his lips didn't move. And the hands clutching him pulled him down.

* * *

_

Axel awoke with a start; he knew he hadn't screamed out loud, but only because Demyx didn't stir in his sleep. He opened his eyes, even though he couldn't see anything; he took deep, calming breaths to calm down his racing heart.

_What a stupid dream_, he thought, sitting up as carefully as possible. He noticed he was still holding onto the black and golden file. His fingers hurt, because they still clutched the black cardboard.

Carefully, so he wouldn't wake Demyx and Zexion, he climbed from the couch. Demyx curled up and sighed in his sleep; Zexion, who sat next to the couch on the floor and rested his head on it, didn't move at all.

Axel smiled at them before he left. But the warm smile soon was replaced by a confused frown; the dream already faded from his memory, but he could still clearly recall the last thing he had seen. Roxas, being pulled down by faceless creatures into a sea made out of letters, until only his hand remained above the surface; but when Axel had tried to follow him and reach for his hand, it had been too late, and the hand had been gone as well.

He silently went upstairs, to his room, and only there he dared to turn on the light. He closed the door behind himself quietly, leaning against it and looking down to the file in his hand.

His hands were still shaking a little when he opened the file, but strangely it was much easier to look at the pictures inside now; Axel sighed, thinking of his strange dream again. He couldn't recall Ariel's voice anymore, he realized; and taking a closer look at the picture, he wasn't quite sure if she really looked that much like his mother. Really, all he remembered clearly was her red hair… But who said his sister would have inherited it as well? Their father had had pretty dark hair, maybe she would have…

But whom was he trying to fool? She would have looked exactly like this.

Damn it, were his eyes really that _insanely_ green?

He shook his head and closed the file with a huff, feeling a bit unsettled by looking at his own smiling face. He had never owned pictures of himself, other than those on his driving license and other IDs he owned. Demyx had a few photos of them when they had been younger, he thought, but he didn't really like pictures of himself. They somehow always ended up burned…

But Roxas was pretty talented when it came to drawing portraits, he admitted.

_Must be all the practice_, he thought bitterly. Besides, Roxas hadn't drawn _him_ quite right. Ariel maybe, but him? Na-ah, his eyes weren't that… _pretty_.

And he never smiled like that. And his features weren't _that_ sharp. His nose was too pointy. As was his chin. His ears always looked weird amidst all that hair. Oh, and talking about his hair, it was too bright, too spiky, too… too…

Dammit! His fucking eyes _were_ ridiculously green!

Scowling he put the file onto his desk. There was the reason why he couldn't stand pictures of himself. Because he always saw all those things he so deliberately overlooked when he looked into a mirror. All the things that made him, how had Hayner put it so nicely? _Look like a freak_.

But for some reason neither of those two pictures Roxas had drawn of him (that he knew of) showed any flaws. And that, for some reason, made him feel weird.

He flopped down onto the chair, propping his chin in his hand as he continued to stare down at the file.

"Why, Roxas?" he heard himself whisper, and he flinched; he hadn't meant to say it out loud. He traced the ornaments on the cardboard with one finger, intricate patterns running around the edge of the file.

He just didn't understand it. Why would Roxas come here, in the middle of the night, and watch him while he found this file? Why hadn't he just tried to talk…?

_Because I wouldn't have listened anyway._

Still, he could have given it to Axel personally and…

_But I would just have yelled at him. I would have scared him. I would probably just have thrown it back at him…_

He frowned at the nagging voice in the back of his mind. Again he brushed over the file, then rested his hand on top of it.

What did it mean? Why had Roxas drawn him… and his sister? It didn't make any sense…

He sighed sadly and picked the file up, only to cautiously place it on a shelf next to the desk, between some other folders. He knew his friends would probably take a look at his room, and he didn't want them to find it right away. He would find a better hiding place for it later.

But when he turned around again, his eyes fell onto one particular folder. Unable to stop himself, he sat down again, reaching out to open it. Again his eyes fell onto Roxas' crossed out drawings.

'_I wonder how long it will take until he crosses you out?'_

Every little picture was like a stab to his heart. Would… would he really join this eerie gallery? Roxas had said he wouldn't… But… what if he had lied?

The longer he stared at the garbled portraits, the more he was reminded of his dream. It was very confusing. He didn't remember it that well anymore, but there was one thing that irked him…

The hands that had been holding Roxas, which had pulled him away, down, beneath the surface… Those hands had belonged to faceless creatures. And… Axel was pretty sure… that he had seen those creatures before. Right here. Right here, amongst Roxas' notes. Little pictures, faceless and yet staring at him.

And they had stayed gray, Axel realized. Even when everything around him had turned back to color, they had stayed gray. Roxas too; just his hair and his eyes had held their usual color.

It had only been a dream. Sure, it had only been a dream. But Axel suddenly shivered, raised his hands to rub his arms in a comforting manner.

In his dream, Roxas had freed his whole world with a smile. But he had not been able to free himself, had not been able to break free from those faceless creatures' grasp. He had stayed gray. It would have been Axel's duty to save him from them…

Axel still stared at Roxas' notes without actually seeing them. Finally he closed the folder again, laughing weakly at his own stupidity.

It had only been a dream. Nothing more.

He turned off the light and flopped down onto his bed, curling up and staring into the darkness of his room. His unfamiliar, empty room, which didn't feel like a home at all. He had never felt like home anywhere. Only… only Roxas had made him feel like he belonged somewhere…

He was grateful there were no tears left to shed, even in the safety of his dark room.

* * *

**Author's Notes:** Hussah, an update after all those months...

I think I've ranted enough in the beginning, so I won't even start. Just this much: Don't expect the next part too soon. I'm busy.

Till part two then!


	26. Interlude, Part 2

**Summary:** His life had always been perfect, or at least so Roxas had liked to think. But overcoming his own fears for someone else isn't as easy as it seems. When both his own and his lover's past threatens their unstable relationship, Roxas has to face the truth: His life was far from perfect. But at least it was better than Axel's.

**Warnings:** Uh. Nothing new, really. I mean, you read most scenes of the Interlude already. Hm… Maybe the fact that Axel's thoughts are pretty choppy and quite illogical at times? That's just to show how confused and hurt he is, mind you. Well, that, and I made Demyx yell. XD

**Pairings:** AkuRoku main, RikuxSora, ZexionxDemyx side pairings. Mentioning of Cleon.

**Disclaimer:** :beams: Well, what can I say? Nothing really changed since last time! :D … orz

**Chapter Dedication:** My dearest **Kuraieshi**, whom all of you also know as the wonderful and talented and angelic **Memorialfire** over at DeviantArt, who is still my amazing beta and didn't give up on me when I was… absent. Hey, did you already see the pic she drew for my birthday? 'Twas called 'Perfect Match', and so so _so_ wonderful… No? WHAT THE HELL? Go to my profile for the link and shower her with praise (and while you're at it, she's recently opened commissions, so you can shower her with money as well), kthxbai. Love you, darling!

And, of course, my second beta, **kurosora1984**, whom I only recently persuaded to beta for me. If you don't know her yet, go and look her up here on FFnet. I strongly suggest you read all of her stories, because she's a pretty damn amazing writer, who puts my ludicrous attempts on writing to shame. No, really. I humbly bow before her greatness. :bows: I adore you, sweet beta of mine, and that new chapter of SMTM was nothing but AMAZING! :fanspazz: INGENIOUS! Now I just have to… uh… find the words to describe my utter adoration for it, so I can review… Might take a while though, because it left me speechless!

**Thanks to:** Ah, now for the harder part. :shuffles: Well, obviously, everyone who faved, alerted and reviewed… _still_ reviewed after my rant last chapter (If you didn't get to read it anymore because I deleted it, consider yourself lucky. I was being awful there.). I was rather surprised at that, to tell the truth. I thought more people would be offended by it. But no, you all were pretty understanding and supportive, thank you all for that. (Uh, this time I'll put the rambling into the A/N.)

Oh, and thank you for still reading this story, I guess. Feels pretty great to be popular. XD

But now, I present you, the (terribly long) second part of the Interlude. Enjoy!

* * *

**Perfect Match – Interlude Part 2**

Axel tried to sleep some more, but his eyes wouldn't stay closed. So he just lay there on his bed and stared up at the ceiling. He forbade himself to think about the dream or the drawings anymore, and yet he kept puzzling over why Roxas had stayed gray. Why he hadn't just broken free from those monsters holding him.

Sometime later he gave up and got up again. He had to finish his History homework anyway.

When he went downstairs again, Demyx and Zexion were already awake. They both were sitting in the kitchen, not even looking at him when he entered the room.

Almost mechanically, Axel smirked and pulled Demyx into a one-armed hug.

"Morning," he said, and even in his own ears his voice sounded way too cheerful.

_Why am I doing this?_ he thought. _They saw me anyway._

"Get the fuck away from me, Axel," Demyx said calmly, and Axel instinctively flinched back. He had never before heard Demyx talk to him like that.

"Sheesh, touchy," he grunted, but pulled his arm back. He walked over to the counter and leaned against it, snatching a muffin from a plate there. He didn't want to sit next to his friends when they were like that.

"I see," Demyx muttered tiredly. "So it's gonna be like _that_ again."

"Like what?" Axel asked and grinned at Demyx when the dirty blond glared at him.

"Is it because of Roxas?" Zexion asked, ignoring how they stared at each other. Axel gladly took the chance to look away from Demyx. He couldn't stand the accusing look his friend gave him.

"Look, if you just told me what you meant?" he asked.

"It has to be because of him," Zexion mumbled, ignoring him completely. "You don't even try to talk to him anymore…"

"That's none of your business," Axel said coldly. He really didn't want to be so cold, but what other choice had he? They always, always had to worry about him, it was their own fault…

"A few days ago you barely wanted to let him out of your sight," Zexion continued. "And then he stayed at home for a day. And you didn't even try to call him." He looked up to Axel, his good eye piercing the redhead's very soul. Why was Zexion looking at him like that, his eye filled with sadness and anger and… pity?

"The Axel I knew from before," Zexion whispered, "wouldn't have thought twice about leaving school to see if his friend was alright."

"And he wouldn't have thought about it at all if said friend happened to be his _boyfriend_," Demyx added. "But you didn't even ask what happened to Roxas. Not once."

Axel stayed silent. He knew it was no use denying it; they had been with him most of the day. But he sure as hell wouldn't confirm anything they had to say. He was supposed to be the strong one. He was supposed to get over this as quickly as possible, so he could help his friends get better…

"The Axel I knew from before," Demyx said, and by now his angry look had changed into one that resembled Zexion's: sad, pitying, maybe a bit hurt, "… he would only have done that if said friend had done something that deeply hurt him."

"Maybe you don't know this 'Axel you knew from before' as well as you think you do," Axel replied, acting unimpressed.

"Maybe," Demyx agreed and smiled; and his smile was what hurt Axel most. "So, Roxas _is_ the reason, right?"

"No," Axel denied flatly.

Demyx nodded, and his smile vanished at once as he slowly rose from his seat.

"I'm going to kill that little brat," he growled, and Axel winced. But… But Demyx never talked like that. Demyx was supposed to be the… the nice one. This was what Riku would say, but Demyx? _Demyx_?

"Demy," he said quietly and grabbed hold of Demyx' arm when the blond tried to storm out of the kitchen, but he flinched back startled when Demyx's sea-green eyes met his. They were literally _burning_.

"I'm so fed up with you right now," Demyx grinded out, obviously fighting to keep his voice down. "I'm so sick of your shit, Axel. We're good enough to comfort you when you break down, but you don't tell us the reason. Do you even realize how much it hurts to see you like this?"

Axel still could only stare at him, too shocked to answer. But Demyx didn't seem to expect an answer anyway.

"You are _selfish_," Demyx ranted on, and his melodic voice grew louder again. "You always were, but it was okay. We let ourselves be used for distraction. We let you comfort us when really you were the one who needed comfort most. We let you look out for us, because you needed it so much. You always needed someone to look out for, because it distracted you from your own problems. Do you think I didn't notice how much more effort you put into cheering me up every year around the day your parents died?"

"Leave my parents out of this, Demyx," Axel said slowly, in a very low voice. Now, that went too far.

"Okay, why don't we talk about Roxas then?" Demyx shouted, shoving Axel's shoulder harshly. Axel stepped back surprised, bumping against the counter behind him.

"Because we _don't_," he replied in a hiss. "There _is_ nothing to talk about." Demyx scowled, then stepped forward, raising his fists as if he wanted to hit Axel, much like Riku had done the day before… But then his hands dropped to his sides, and he looked down. A tired sigh escaped him.

"You were always selfish," he repeated sadly. "But it was okay, because we all needed to be comforted and watched over just as much as you needed to give comfort. All three of us wanted the attention you were so willing to give, because you always gave us the feeling like we were… _important_, at least to you. But you can't go on like this, Axel."

"Yes I can," Axel insisted stubbornly. He couldn't believe Demyx' words. He was selfish? No, no, he never did it for himself. He had always wanted to _help_… He… He was supposed to be strong, for _them_…

"You can't," Demyx whispered, and when Axel looked at him again, he realized the younger boy was crying silently. "You're pushing away the person you care about most, and it's killing you. And I can't watch you doing it any longer."

And then he left the room, leaving a deeply hurt redhead and a very silent, blue-haired boy behind, who both took some time to process what had just happened.

"Why do you always have to do this, Axel?" Zexion finally whispered, weakly brushing his long hair back and revealing glass eye and scar.

"Do what?" Axel asked equally quiet, still staring at the door through which Demyx had just left.

"Why do you always push us away?" Zexion clarified a bit louder, but still sounding so tired, so… lost. "Why don't you let us help?"

"I don't need help," Axel repeated his mantra, even though he knew it was a lie. He needed help, he needed it desperately; he needed, needed someone who could take his memories away… but the person who had been able to do that had never existed anyway…

"I see," Zexion said quietly and rose from his seat, pulling his cell out of his pocket. "Well then, I guess you won't mind me calling Riku, right?"

"And why would you do that?" Axel averted his eyes to the floor and folded his arms.

"Because he stayed over at Sora's," Zexion explained, already raising the phone to his ear. "If you don't talk, maybe Roxas will."

"Do what you must," Axel hissed. He didn't even look up when Zexion left the room as well.

Well, there he was. Alone, just like he had been when his parents had been taken from him. Alone, like he had been when Leon had left Hollow Bastion. Finally he had done it; he had driven away the few friends he had, and what for?

* * *

He accompanied Demyx and Zexion to school, but neither of them said a word, and Axel still didn't dare to raise his voice himself. He was scared that Demyx would look at him like that again… so angry, and disappointed…

Zexion hadn't told him what he and Riku had talked about, and Axel tried to tell himself he didn't care. It didn't work very well.

But he still tried to act unaffected by the last few days, tried to act normal when they reached school. He knew many people were watching them, were watching _him_ especially; ever since Roxas had presented him the folder, those fanclub brats seemed to wait for him to do something.

_Bitches!_ his mind yelled at them, but somehow he was unable to really feel hatred for them. It was too tiring to hate them all, he decided uncaringly.

Roxas was still outside, talking with Hayner and Pence, and for a moment Axel thought he saw flashes of gray running over Roxas' pale face, especially when he watched Roxas smile weakly.

He wanted to stop, but just kept following Demyx and Zexion. He wanted to call out for Roxas, but his mouth stayed closed. He could only watch, watch Roxas as he finally noticed him. Roxas' smile was long gone when he finally looked at Axel.

Axel didn't know why he kept staring at the other boy; this boy who had lied to him, this boy who had made him believe he was worthy to be saved, to be loved… But he couldn't tear his gaze away, as much as it hurt to see fear darkening those sky blue eyes.

No… he had never wanted to scare Roxas like this…

Roxas turned around and ran away. Axel stopped dead in his tracks, still watching.

Demyx noticed that he had stopped and held Zexion back as well; they turned around to face Axel, who still stared at the quickly retreating boy, and seemed to contemplate whether to talk to Axel or to leave.

_They should have left_, Axel thought when he felt his mouth open and heard his voice, his impassive, lost, doubtful voice form words he had never meant to say.

"He told me he loved me…" he heard himself say, just loud enough for his friends to hear, while he still couldn't tear his gaze from the door Roxas had vanished through.

No answer ever came, but he hadn't expected one anyway. He finally turned his head to look at his friends, but still he couldn't bring himself to care as much as he should. He knew he was supposed to be angry or at least sad or something, but the argument they had had earlier seemed to have dampened his ability to feel properly.

Well, at least it didn't hurt so much to think about Roxas' confession anymore.

"Oh, Axel…" Demyx whispered, and finally the angry scowl that had marred his pretty face all the way to school gave way to a concerned expression. Zexion's features also softened visibly, as pity once more filled his good eye.

Axel wasn't sure if Demyx and Zexion could really understand what it meant. Demyx, maybe, because they had been together back then… But he didn't think it was possible for them to understand how much those words had hurt. How much he had craved to hear them, and how much they terrified him, how foreign they felt and how deeply he longed to hear them again… But they had been a lie. Everything had been a lie.

"He told me he loved me," he repeated, and now his voice sounded confused. "Right to my face. He wasn't even scared…" But how, how could he not have been scared, why had he said it, why, when he never could have felt for Axel that way? Axel knew he was too broken, too filthy to be loved; he knew it now, so why had Roxas said it? Why had he said it, why had he…

"Why did he do that?" he whispered upset; and then he left, because he knew he could never answer the questions his friends would ask.

He drew the hood of his thin jacket deep over his face as soon as he entered the building, as soon as he noticed more fanclub bitches staring at him expectantly; what did they want him to do anyway? He simply chose to ignore their indignant stares and slowly made his way to class. He didn't bother to wait for Zexion.

He kept his eyes glued to the floor as soon as he opened the door to the classroom. He flopped down onto his seat, not yet daring to look to the side, where he knew he would just have to stare into scared blue eyes again. His hands clenched around his arms as he crossed them, and he only looked up to smile at Zexion when his friend reached the class a few minutes after him. Zexion seemed somewhat surprised, but smiled back weakly before sitting down next to Axel.

Axel raised one hand to pluck at his hood, but didn't dare to pull it down. His hands felt sweaty and his fingers twitched; as if they ached to push the fabric obstructing his view back, so he could at least secretly glance at the blond sitting next to him…

He forced his hand down and grabbed a pencil, then raised it to his lips to bite down on it. He tried to listen what their teacher droned about, he really did, but the words made no sense whatsoever.

And then he noticed movement from the corner of his eyes.

A small hand, wrist adorned by a checkered wristband, pulled a notebook out of a book bag.

The notebook…

'_I wonder how long it will take until he crosses you out?'_

He knew the portrait Roxas had done of him on the first day they had met was still somewhere in there.

'_He draws everyone he takes home with him.'_

He knew Roxas still had his picture. He didn't know why, but he _knew_.

'_And when he's done with them, he crosses them out.'_

No, no, no, he wouldn't let him… he didn't want… he couldn't…

'_I wonder how long…'_

Without thinking he stretched out one hand, keeping his eyes fixed on the notebook as he pointed at it. The small hands holding it cramped around its edges, but made no move to open it. Axel gestured for Roxas to give it to him, but still, the other boy didn't move.

"The drawing," Axel whispered, and he didn't even care if anybody heard him. He needed the damn picture, he couldn't let Roxas keep it…

It still took endless seconds until those small hands opened the notebook; Axel could see that Roxas turned the pages too often, but he still held out his hand, waiting patiently.

Finally Roxas stopped turning the pages, but now his hands stopped moving as well. Axel stared at the drawing, and he saw no flaws… none at all, no flaws, not one. No picture of him looked like that. Nothing about him was as perfect as that drawing suggested.

"Give it to me," he demanded hoarsely, and he saw those hands rip the page out of the notebook…

"Let me keep it," he heard a small voice plead, and he almost pulled back his hand, almost gave in because the voice sounded so sweet and lost and desperate and wonderful… "_Please._"

But he couldn't. He couldn't let Roxas keep it, because then it would only share the same fate all the drawings did. He couldn't let Roxas cross him out. He couldn't stand the thought… He didn't want to be just one of them, he _didn't_; he couldn't be just one more crossed out portrait. He wanted to be more. He _needed_ to be more than that.

If… If he prevented his drawing from being crossed out like all the others, he could still believe… believe that what they had shared had been special, not just one of Roxas' games. Then he could keep telling himself that he wasn't like all the others. He couldn't give Roxas a chance to cross him out, or he would just be one of many, so _many_...

He snatched the drawing from Roxas' trembling hands, careful not to touch the other boy; he knew he would falter then, and he needed to do this. He had to keep Roxas from crossing him out. He had to; he couldn't be like _them_…

His hand closed around the drawing, crumpled and ruined it. A mirthless sneer stretched his lips a little as he stared down at it.

Now it looked more like him. Now there were enough flaws to make it resemble his true self more.

He couldn't stand the thought of being crossed out, just like all the people who had written the letters had been. He couldn't stand the thought of being one of many whose heart Roxas had broken. He couldn't stand the thought, so the drawing had to go.

He ripped the page and ignored heads turning, eyes moving to stare at him. He took the halves and ripped them again, and he ignored his burning eyes when he heard Roxas next to him gasp quietly.

He let go of the scraps and concentrated on his teacher again, folding his hands on the desk to hide how badly they were shaking. He wanted to raise them and hide his face in them and scream and cry and just let out the pain that was burning inside him, but he stayed calm, forced his hands to rest on the desk, forced his eyes to stay dry and his mouth to stay shut. He couldn't force his heart to stop beating painfully though, and he fled the room after the class had ended, without looking at Roxas, fearing then he would no longer be able to keep up the cold façade that hid his agonizing feelings from all the people around.

* * *

He sat through his classes, taking notes for once instead of annoying the hell out of his teachers, and he couldn't even tell if he still felt the urge to cry or if his eyes felt so weird because they were too dry. His handwriting was messier than usual, he dully noticed, so he concentrated harder on making his notes at least legible.

And then he wondered if Roxas was already scribbling a new victim into his notebook, and he snapped his pencil in half.

Why did it hurt so much? Why couldn't he just forget about it all, why couldn't he just forget and move on? He had always been so _good_ at repressing his feelings, but now they just _wouldn't go away_.

He leaned back and stared to the front without actually seeing that red-eyed freak who called himself a teacher, and crossed his arms in front of his chest in an attempt to keep his hands from ripping his hurting eyes out of his face and tearing his hair out in frustration. His fingers still twitched every now and then, yearning to break or tear or burn (_burn, burn, burning was best_) something.

As soon as the bell rang, he grabbed his stuff and left the classroom, even though Mr. Valentine was still in the middle of explaining something. Mr. Valentine didn't even do as much as glance as him, just continued talking quietly, and every other pair of eyes in the room followed the redhead rushing out.

Axel roamed the hallways, his hands hidden safely inside the pockets of his jacket, staring at the floor deep in thought. He absently apologized when he bumped into someone, but didn't look up.

Why didn't he feel better? He had thought he would feel better when he got rid of the drawing, but now he certainly did not. If anything, he felt worse. Maybe it had been the way Roxas had hesitated to give him the drawing, or the small, despaired gasp that had reached his ears when he had torn the sheet; maybe it had been the scared look from this morning, or the frantic getaway the evening before, after Axel had found the… the other drawings…

He reached his locker and carelessly stuffed his books inside, mechanically pulling out another one. He turned around, blinking at the crowd that had all of a sudden surrounded him; well, maybe they had been following him a while already, and he had just been too busy sulking to notice. And they were staring at him again. Fanclub brats, no doubt. He raised his brows questioningly.

"So…" one of them spoke up after a while, "Did you ditch Roxas or what?"

"Pardon me?" Axel asked coldly, and the girl who had spoken to him blushed and stepped back a little.

"You got our letters, right?" another one spoke up instead, and Axel turned his head to stare at her. She, too, couldn't meet his gaze. "A-About Roxas…"

"Oh, so you were the ones who wrote them?" Axel said slowly. He squinted a little when the sun broke through the few clouds that marred the sky today, and for a moment they looked… different. Faceless, gray, ready to pull Roxas with them, down into a sea made out of letters…

"We had to," yet another one said. Geez, they could at least have chosen a spokesperson or something. This was getting confusing. "We had to keep you away from him. You're not good for him."

Axel smiled. He didn't know why, but he smiled; it hurt to smile like that, but he didn't care.

"I see…" he muttered.

"You have to understand," one of them said. Axel thought he recognized her. Wasn't she the girl who had tried to 'warn' him on his first day here? "It's nothing personal. I'm sure you'll make someone else happy and all, but you're not right for Roxas."

"Wow," Axel said, smiled even wider and nodded. So _that_ was what this meeting was about. The 'You're not good enough for him and you're not even his type!'-speech. "If I'd give a fuck about your opinion, and trust me, I _really_ don't, I guess I'd be hurt." He laid a hand above his heart theatrically. "_Ouch_."

"Oh, come on," the girl sneered. "You didn't really believe that… fling between you two would work out, did you?"

"Dunno, did you think your… Dare I call it a one-night-stand…? Would work out?" Axel asked curiously, tilting his head to the side.

That shut her up for a moment, but her face darkened quickly. Others seemed concerned now, a few plain shocked, many of them angry.

"It wasn't a one…" the blonde started, but she trailed off when Axel's strange, hurtful smile widened slightly.

"Right, because a one-night-stand would include sex," Axel agreed. "But from what I read, he left you as soon as you came too close. That makes you what?"

"How dare you!" she hissed, paling visibly. "You were no different."

"Oh, I like to think I'm very different from you guys," Axel exclaimed cheerfully.

"Why? Why should you be different?" the girl hissed venomously.

"Because…" Axel said quietly and trailed off.

… _I almost killed him and he came back to me._

… _I kissed him and he kissed back._

… _I held him in my arms and it felt right._

… _I was broken and he made me whole._

… _he knew about my past and still stayed._

… _he was able to silence the memories._

… _he saved me…_

… _he is Roxas, and he is perfect for me… _

… _he told me he loved me…_

"Because I could have loved him," he whispered, and by now he really didn't understand the smile on his face anymore. Why did he still smile, when the words hurt so much? "Because… I could have said it back one day."

He just turned and ignored their angry, confused, indignant responses. Of course they wouldn't understand. They used the word 'love' so carelessly, but for Axel, it was a shock to even admit it to himself. He could have loved Roxas… He had never before loved someone, not like this. He didn't know _how_ to love someone like this.

As he walked away, something urged him to look up, and almost instantly his eyes met cerulean blue ones.

Roxas couldn't have heard him; he and Sora had been too far away. But still Axel suddenly felt vulnerable, because somehow, somehow Roxas would know what he had said, what he had _felt_…

Roxas was holding Sora's arm so tightly his knuckles had turned white. Sora didn't even flinch. He just looked at his twin pityingly, and for a moment Axel tried to see what Roxas had said; that Sora was the good twin, and Roxas was the bad one.

He couldn't see it. There was just the twin whose eyes brimmed over with sorrow and pity and concern, and the twin who stared at Axel wide-eyed, azure eyes haunted, dull and lifeless. If anything, there was a caring and a regretful twin.

Oh God, it hurt so much to see him like this; leaning onto Sora heavily, obviously too weak to stand on his own, eyes reddened and soft, pouty lips parting to let out a weak whimper when he realized Axel was looking at him.

Axel felt the unnatural smile on his face vanish.

_He lied to me,_ he thought helplessly. _He never meant what he said… did he?_

_What he did to all those people, it was so cruel…_

_Would he have done the same to me?_

_But he said I was different… That he loved me…_

_He probably told them the same. _

_But he said I was the only one…_

_He lied. _

_I can't trust him when he says he tells the truth, how could I?_

_He should have told me before… before I… before I…_

Axel reached for his hood and pulled it deep over his face, cutting off eye-contact with Roxas and turning his head to the side. Why, whywhywhy_why_ was it so hard? Why did his foolish heart still want to believe Roxas so desperately, when almost three hundred other people had tried to assure Axel that Roxas had lied?

His pace quickened, he almost ran past them. His lips were pressed together tightly, because he feared a word, a name would slip from his mouth; he couldn't let that happen. He was stronger than that.

He heard Sora's calming voice behind him, whispering _'I'm here, don't cry, it's okay, it's alright, please don't cry Roxy…'_, and the thought that it was _him_ who made Roxas cry, that it was _him_ who took away Roxas' smile was unbearable. He hesitated for a second, wanted to turn around… but instead he hunched his shoulders, still keeping a firm hold on his hood, and kept walking until he had turned a corner.

As soon as he was sure Roxas wouldn't see him anymore he stopped, hitting the wall next to him to get rid of the sorrow, the frustration, the confusion, the pain the pain the _pain_!

Why was it _hurting so much_? Why didn't it _stop_? It shouldn't hurt, it was over anyway; Roxas had lied to him, and…

… and the way he had acted had probably spoiled even the tiniest chance to… to… make up… again…

Leaning against the wall, he felt his eyes widen slightly. Why was he _still_ thinking about making up? Why would he want to be together with Roxas again? Roxas had _lied_ to him. _Roxas_ had ruined everything, not him…

"Nnnngh…" A weak moan forced its way out of his mouth, and with a gasp he doubled over, still bracing himself against the wall with one hand. He pressed his other hand against his mouth, feeling sick and hurt and so unbearably confused…

"Axel?" a quiet voice behind him piped up meekly. It took him a moment to react; slowly he straightened himself enough to look back over his shoulder.

"What do you want?" he whispered hoarsely, and the girl who had approached him flinched when his eyes met hers. He was fairly sure she had been with the crowd who had confronted him just moments before. She raised her hands to her mouth to stifle a gasp, and it took Axel a while to understand the reason for her surprise.

"What do you _want_?" he asked again, and he cursed his voice for breaking in the end. He wiped his tear-stained cheek and turned around to face her, and he hated how blurry the image of the girl had become. "What? _What_? Go on, tell me that I'm not good enough, or not his type, or just one of his many flings. Tell me I wasn't special to him. Tell me he never cared. _What are you waiting for_?"

She shook her head, slowly lowering her hands. It took her two tries to actually open her mouth and speak.

"I'm sorry," she sniffed, wiping her own eyes when tears started to well up in them. "I'm so sorry. I… I didn't know…"

Axel stared at her astonished. He didn't know what to say. He heard her words, but they made no sense. By now he was quite sure she had been one of those girls who had just met him at his locker, but…

"I wrote a letter too," she cried, sobbing into her hands once before she was able to continue to speak. "They told me to. They said it would be best for him. But he's so miserable now… I'm so sorry… I didn't want that, I… I didn't…" She shook her head again. "It was wrong to do it, I know, but… but… I'm so sorry, I didn't know it would hurt you so much…"

Axel could still only stare at her. Absently he wiped his face again with the back of his hand. At least the tears seemed to have stopped.

"He never told me he loved me," she whispered brokenly. "He never told any of us. We all lied. He never said it…" And then she ran away. And left Axel behind, more confused than before and feeling like his insides were slowly turning into ice.

_What?_

"_I never told them something like this!"_ Roxas screamed inside his head. Axel fell back against the wall again, groaning and hiding his face in his hands. _"I never told them, I never told them, I never told…"_

Axel threw his head back, biting down onto his lip and squeezing his eyes shut when it collided with the wall with a sickening thud. A flash of white pain shot through his skull, but the voice didn't die down.

"_I never told them…"_

"_I love you…"_

"Out," Axel growled and banged his head against the wall again. "Of." And again. "My." Again. "_Head_!"

When he opened his eyes again, the world around him seemed fuzzy and blurry, but he grinned, thinking that at least it wasn't because of tears this time. Some people were giving him odd looks already, but honestly, he was too concerned about his mental health to care right now. He would never get Roxas' voice out of his mind again… It would always whisper to him now, always, always, always, for all eternity…

"_That was the first time you told anybody but me,"_ another gentle voice suddenly laughed, and the smirk on Axel's face froze at once. The voice was so similar to Roxas', and yet entirely different… Not quite as beautiful and sweet, in Axel's opinion, even though he knew Riku would see that differently.

When had Sora said that? When? Hadn't… hadn't it been right after Roxas had… after Roxas had… told him… he… loved…

"_That was the first time you told anybody but me,"_ Sora repeated. _"You didn't even tell them."_

Axel slowly slid down the wall, sitting on the floor in a daze. He stared ahead without seeing anything, but whispering voices still plagued his mind.

Even Sora had said it. The girl just had said it. Roxas had said it, but Axel had been too hurt, too confused to trust his words. But _Sora_ had said it, and he hadn't been talking about the twins' parents. True, Axel had also been quite confused back then, but…

How could he have been so _blind_? Sora had been so upset when he had realized Roxas had drawn Axel. He had known about those people all along… He had tried to make Roxas tell the truth. But he had seemed so sincerely happy when he had witnessed how Roxas had confessed his love to Axel…

He curled up, holding his hurting head in his hands and staring down at the floor.

_He never told them_, he thought distressed. _He never told them, he only told me… I was the only one…_

And then his mind went blank. Oh, he was still awake, sort of; his eyes still were open, his breathing still hectic, his heartbeat still painfully fast; his head still hurt like a bitch, and his shivering hands fisting in his wild spikes and pulling at them didn't help one bit. But his mind just… shut down. No voices. No memories. No thoughts, no feelings, no emotions. Just blissful silence.

He didn't know how long he stayed there, but judging his hurting back and neck it had been a while. He blinked owlishly at the person standing next to him, and tried to remember why he had looked up.

Oh, yes, shaking. A hand shaking his shoulder. A voice saying his name. Right.

Zexion pulled his hand back and stepped back cautiously, watching Axel with weary eyes.

"Do you recognize me, Axel?" Zexion asked quietly, so quiet nobody but Axel heard.

"Course I do," Axel muttered, and he noticed a slight slur in his words. Wow. He felt like he was drunk. "Wassamatter?"

"Oh, thank God," Zexion sighed, but he didn't seem relieved. Not at all. "I thought you were having a flashback…"

"Noooooooo, I'm fine…" Axel slurred, even though he knew he was not, and he knew Zexion knew; but he needed to say it, just because he _always_ needed to say he was fine to convince himself of it. "'Sup with you? Someone stole one of your books?"

"Demyx ran away," Zexion answered, and Axel immediately scrambled to his feet and grabbed the smaller boy's shirt.

"What?" he shouted, and his mind gladly took the chance to push back all the nasty and painful feelings from before. "When?"

"A few minutes ago. R-Right after… class," Zexion answered shakily, and Axel let go of him when he noticed the younger one's voice sounded higher than normal. Zexion was really upset, he could tell. Of course he was.

"It's okay, we'll find him," Axel said quieter, concentrating on Zexion and calming him down rather than on himself. Maybe Demyx had been right, he thought wistfully; maybe he needed someone to look out for to feel better himself.

"He… He just disappeared after Arts," Zexion whispered, and even though his face betrayed no emotion Axel could clearly see the clouded, scared look in Zexion's good eye. "I can't find him…"

"He can't be that far," Axel assured him as calm as he could be right now. "I'll help you search for him, come on. He's fine, Zexion."

"I can't believe I lost him!" Zexion groaned and turned to run away, looking around frantically. "Demyx? Demyx, where are you?"

Axel quickly grabbed his stuff and followed him.

"He was so angry," Zexion muttered when Axel caught up with him. "He just ran away…"

"Maybe he wanted to see Riku?" Axel suggested, but Zexion shook his head.

"He's at soccer practice, I already checked there…"

"But where…" Axel stopped himself when he suddenly remembered their argument this morning.

_All because of me again…_ he thought bitterly. He grabbed Zexion's arm and pulled the smaller boy with him, trying to memorize a certain schedule…

"Axel, where… where are you going?" Zexion spluttered, trying to resist Axel's firm grip.

"He's gone after Roxas," Axel forced out through gritted teeth. "_I'm going to kill that little brat_, remember?"

"But…" Zexion ripped his arm away, but he kept following Axel. "But where…"

"Roxas had Geography, and Highwind's class is just down the hallway," Axel explained. "That idiot! I told him I was _fine_!"

"Demyx?" Zexion called out again, and by now undiluted desperation tinged his usually calm voice.

"Demyx!" Axel yelled as well, and the very moment they turned the corner his eyes fell onto his missing friend. And, of course, Roxas, who was kneeling in front of Demyx on the floor. Demyx was curled up against the wall, rocking back and forth, upset and scared and lost and…

_Because of me, because of me, me, me!_

Axel stopped abruptly, watched as Zexion rushed over to fall to his knees next to Demyx. He watched as Zexion embraced him, whispered calming nothings to him in an attempt to calm the blond down. For a brief moment, when Demyx looked up to Zexion, Axel caught a glimpse of Demyx's face; his eyes were wide and shining wetly, his cheeks tear-stained, and his skin had taken on a sickly white pallor.

All because of him. All because he couldn't control himself better. All because…

Axel's eyes were drawn to the side; to where Roxas was still sitting on the floor, absently fumbling for his bag, still watching Demyx and Zexion with a heartbroken expression on his angelic face.

All because of _Roxas_.

It was _Roxas'_ fault! He was the reason, he and his lies and his fanclub and his letters and his drawings, he and his cruel games, he and the awful, wonderful feelings he had roused in Axel's scarred heart.

He didn't know how, but suddenly he was standing right next to Roxas, grabbed the blond's arm and hauled him to his feet, glaring into frightened blue eyes and feeling his heart break even more.

Demyx was hurt, Demyx was scared; he should have protected Demyx, but Roxas had hurt him, had hurt his friend, and Roxas kept hurting Axel too, because that look, that face, the maddening sadness in his eyes made Axel lose his mind.

_Stop hurting me!_ Axel thought frantically, and suddenly he wanted to hate Roxas, for all he was worth; wanted to hate him because he made him weak, wanted to hate him because he had lied to him, wanted to hate him because he wasn't able to stop caring for him…

"What did you do to him?" he growled, but his own voice seemed so far away. He knew he was leaning forward, because Roxas' impossibly blue eyes seemed to grow even larger, and because he could feel the warmth Roxas' soft skin emitted… warm breath ghosted over his face, and Axel caught a whiff of a scent, fresh and clean like a summer morning… It was the scent that got to him most. It was the scent of Roxas' hair, he knew; those soft, golden spikes, swept to the side, longer bangs covering a part of Roxas' face, and oh, how much he wanted to pull Roxas closer, run a hand through his golden hair to tousle it even more, wanted to place a gentle kiss on top of his head, bury his face in soft spikes and take in the scent that was so purely Roxas, and hold him, make the smaller boy listen to his heartbeat, because holding him in his arms would be the only thing that could mend his broken heart.

"What the fuck did you do to him?" Axel screamed, when he really wanted to say 'What did you do to _me_? Why does it hurt so much?' "Did _you_ bring him here? If you did anything to hurt him, I swear to God…"

That was nonsense, and he knew it. He knew Demyx had come here on his own, too upset and angry to think about his fragile mental condition. But he was surprised when suddenly anger flared up in Roxas' eyes, replacing the fear and guilt.

"I didn't do anything!" Roxas snarled at him, and for a moment Axel was too shocked to reply. To hear Roxas' voice, his sweet voice, the same that had whispered 'I love you' to him only days ago, now dripping with anger, let the urge to fall to his knees and beg for Roxas to forgive him grow in Axel's chest. Only once had Roxas talked to him like this; and his eyes had been so cold back then, like ice, so hurt and cold, so _cold_…

His hold on Roxas' arm tightened, and Roxas grasped his hand and ripped it away. For a split second Axel was tempted to grab hold of Roxas' hand, to prevent the loss of contact between them, because touching Roxas' small, warm hand felt so _right_… But those cold, angry eyes were driving him insane, and he tried to get rid of the overwhelming despair the only way he knew; he allowed anger to control his thoughts, his voice, his actions, and he was too weak to stop yelling at the only person who had made him feel… _right_.

"Oh, now you wanna play innocent again?" he heard his own voice spit out acidly, but so far, far away. "Now you act as if…"

"I'm not _acting_!" Roxas interrupted him loudly, again stunning Axel into silence. "I'm too fucking tired to act anymore! I didn't do anything, _Demyx_ came to _me_! It's not my fault you weren't keeping an eye on him!"

"_What_ did you just say?" Axel asked slowly, feeling quite taken aback. He narrowed his eyes at the boy in front of him, who dared to talk to him like this after all he had _done_. "Did you just imply it's _my_ fault?"

_He knows, he sees it, he knows it was my fault, it's always my fault, because I can't control myself… Roxas, _Roxas_, you make me lose control like this, and you don't even know…_

"It _is_ your fault!" Roxas screamed, and his hands shot up to pull at his hair. "Because you never _talk_ to them! Why don't you just tell them what I did?"

Axel was at a loss for words. How could Roxas look right through him like that? How did he know? The guilt was almost suffocating him, the mere thought that Demyx, his best friend, was hurt because of him, was only fuelling the self-loathing he felt. Why was he so weak? He was supposed to protect Demyx, but he had failed…

Slowly the anger died down, was replaced by indescribable self-hate. Oh yes, he hated himself for making Demyx cry, for making Zexion worry, for making Riku angry, but most of all, he hated himself because he was unable to hate Roxas. It would have made everything so much easier…

"You don't have the right to tell me what to do," he finally hissed.

"Of course not," Roxas replied in a low voice, and he took a step back. Axel almost wanted to reach out and pull him closer again, because not being near him made everything _worse_. But he couldn't, as cold blue eyes paralyzed him. "_Nobody_ can tell you what to do! You could never even accept advice from anybody, because you can't _trust_ anybody!"

How _could_ he? How _could_ he trust anybody? How, when everybody he trusted left him alone in the end? Those words were the last straw; it was like a part of Axel died this very moment, and he couldn't bring himself to care any longer about anybody who witnessed their fight.

"I trusted _you_!" he yelled on top of his lungs. So much, he had trusted him so much, had there been more time he would have… would have been able to _say it back_! And now, now he was reduced to a broken, useless, lonely and possibly mentally unstable freak who would never, ever be able to trust anybody as much as he had trusted _him_, his Sunshine, his angel, his _cure_. "And where did _that_ get me?"

"I never asked you to trust me!" Roxas threw back into his face, and Axel flinched back violently.

It didn't matter! Why didn't Roxas see it _didn't matter_? It was true, Roxas had never asked him to trust him, but he had never kept Axel from trusting him either! Axel had trusted him, he had even told him his best-kept secret, his sister, whom he had named after she had died… His sister, whom no-one else knew about. He had given Roxas his heart, Axel realized, by telling him about her; he had opened up completely, had lowered his defenses just for him, and Roxas _had not stopped him_. But he should have stopped him, because he had known it would not work out. He should have stopped him, because he had known Axel would never be good enough for him. Roxas should have stopped him before Axel had started to care about him so much…

For a moment Axel wanted to scream, just scream, just rage, scream until his voice failed him and his heart stopped beating so hurtfully; he wanted to scratch his hideous face, wanted to rip his filthy skin off his flesh because nobody, _nobody_ would ever love him, nobody would ever understand how much it hurt…

But the crystal clear tears in Roxas' wonderful, beautiful eyes let the pain grow so much he wasn't even able to scream anymore. He was helpless against the tears; he was helpless because now those deep blue eyes didn't seem cold anymore… Not the slightest trace of anger remained in them, only regret.

"Fuck off," Axel uttered hoarsely, and he felt too drained to even feel ashamed about the tears welling up in his own eyes anymore. He didn't care who saw him. He wanted to go home. He wanted to go home and sleep, forever if he could, to make the memories go away… He didn't want to see Roxas anymore, because it hurt, so much, _so much_… "Get _lost_, before I forget myself!"

"Axel." He barely had the strength to turn his head left when he heard Zexion call out to him softly. He looked over to where his friends were still sitting on the floor, saw Zexion frown at him confused and Demyx look up to him sadly; he saw them, still hugging each other, and he envied them. Because they had each other, because they didn't need him anymore. What had he left if they didn't need him? Demyx had been right; he needed someone to look out for… He always had. "What's wrong with you?"

"No, the correct question would be what's wrong with _me._" Again he turned his head, again he stared at Roxas, who just glanced at him briefly before turning around. And again he wanted to hold him back, wished he could be strong enough to just reach out and trap Roxas in a tight embrace. He knew that by now his mask was broken. He knew everybody could see his surprise, his sadness, but he didn't care anymore. He just watched Roxas, watched him push through the crowd and heard him yell at them, even though he didn't understand the words. His blood was rushing to his head, and for a moment he felt like he would faint every moment.

But he didn't, and as soon as Roxas had vanished around a corner, he raised his hands to cover his face. He peered through his fingers at the floor, feeling dizzy and lost and tired, so tired, and he never noticed the pitying looks he received before the students left in the hallway disappeared into their classes.

"Axel…" Zexion tried to address him again, but Axel just shook his head.

"Don't," he muttered through his hands. "Don't say it. Don't ask. Just leave me alone _this once_."

From the corner of his eyes he could see his friends rising from the floor, and he didn't make a move to stop Demyx when his friend, his friend who had been hurt because of him, his friend whom he had failed to protect, stepped closer and embraced him. He couldn't see Demyx properly, still staring though his fingers at a point beyond the walls; but he felt Demyx' arms circle around him, and he felt too tired to care.

"I'm so sorry," Demyx whispered brokenly.

"Leave me alone," Axel repeated, not caring about Demyx's apology. Demyx winced and pulled back slowly, and Axel knew he was staring at him hurt. He knew he should explain, that it hadn't been Demyx's fault, that he wasn't angry, but he couldn't. Right now he couldn't even stand their presence. Just a few minutes, he just needed a few minutes for himself, _just this once_…

"Maybe you should go to Aerith' office," Zexion suggested quietly. He laid a hand onto Demyx's shoulder and pulled Demyx back, shaking his head when Demyx tried to fight his grip. "No, Demyx, leave him alone."

"Maybe," Axel agreed slowly. He bent down, mechanically picking up his bag. "I'll see you guys at lunch." And with that he left, ignored Demyx's quiet try to apologize once more.

* * *

He rushed into Aerith's office, into the dark room with the beds in the back, and closed the door behind himself without offering the surprised nurse any kind of explanation. She followed him and asked him if she could help him; he asked her to leave him alone, and was glad when she did without prying further.

Again he lost track of time. At first he didn't realize when the door opened and Riku entered the room; only when the silver-haired boy touched his arm he was startled out of… he couldn't really call them thoughts, because he was sure right now his mind was too occupied by guilt and pain to think. But he nodded when Riku asked him if he wanted to go with him, and didn't resist when Riku took his hand and pulled him to his feet.

Riku kept holding his hand the whole way to the cafeteria, and Axel had to grin at this; was he supposed to feel or act like Demyx now? Maybe stop speaking? He laughed softly, causing Riku to look at him confused; but he couldn't explain why he was laughing anyway, because that hadn't been funny at all.

He let himself be dragged to their usual table and flopped down in his seat, looked up… and froze.

Sora looked back at him, seemingly nervous, and he opened his mouth to speak.

"Don't," Axel warned him hoarsely. "Don't say a word."

Sora obeyed and closed his mouth again, looking down and plucking at his gloves.

Riku sat down next to Sora, but he stayed silent as well. Neither Demyx nor Zexion tried to speak. The silence at the table was deafening, even though all around them cheerful chatter and laughter dominated the hall.

Axel reached up to pull his hood over his head and deep over his face again. He couldn't stand looking at Sora, who was sitting right across him; he couldn't stand it, because his eyes, his face, his nose, his mouth, his hair, his habit of fidgeting with his clothes, the sadness in his gaze reminded Axel so much of his blond twin. They were different in so many ways, but so similar in others… And their eyes, they almost looked the same. It was so _hard_ to look at him. So he slumped in his seat, folded his arms in front of his chest and looked down, refusing to look at the boy who resembled his Sunshine so much; probably even more than Roxas had done.

"Axel, are you okay?" Riku spoke up after a while, and for the first time since he knew his friends, Axel decided he'd tell the truth.

"No," he answered, but didn't look up.

"Why did you and Roxas fight?" Zexion asked from the other side. "What happened?"

This time Axel couldn't answer; he couldn't tell them, not yet.

A loud clatter sounded from somewhere. Axel knew his friends were looking up to search for the source of the sound, and even before Sora breathed his brother's name sorrowfully, he knew who the source was. He flinched violently, drew his shoulders up and hung his head, absolutely refusing to look up. No, he would not be so dumb again. Looking up would cause him to look at Roxas, looking at Roxas would inevitably lead to looking into his eyes, and looking into his eyes would lead Axel to more despair. He couldn't take more. He was almost breaking as it was.

And still he felt his body straighten a little as Sora made an attempt to stand up, and he heard footsteps passing the table… He tried so hard to keep his gaze down, but there, barely within the range of his vision, black and white and gold attracted his attention, drawing his gaze to the quickly retreating figure at the doors to the school yard.

Even when Roxas was long gone he kept staring at the doors. He knew his friends were staring at him, he knew they were trying to speak up…

"You knew about them, didn't you?" he whispered, and finally he found the strength to turn his head and look at Sora. "The people he drew. The people he took home with him. You knew about them all along."

Sora sighed quietly and looked to the side. But he nodded, without saying a word.

"Why did he do it?" Axel continued weakly. "Why did he have to be so _cruel_?"

"I don't know," Sora answered, and hearing his voice made Axel shiver. So much like Roxas', so much like Sunshine's… "I doubt he knows it himself. But I think…" Sora halted for a moment. "I think… he wanted to make them hate him, because he couldn't understand why they liked him. He never believed anybody could like him because of who he is. He always thought all they saw was not the person he is, but a person he played for them…" He looked down at his hands again. "He… even played for you, but only a little… Only… because he thought you needed him to. He didn't think you would even look at him if you knew…"

Axel buried his face in his hands, sighing heartbroken.

"Why didn't he tell me earlier?" he croaked. He ignored his friends looking at him confused. He knew they were; he didn't have to look up for that. "Why did he wait so long?"

"Because he loves you," Sora replied patiently.

"_Loved_ me," Axel corrected him, almost laughing at the bitterness in his voice. That was his own fault, wasn't it? The way he had acted…

"_Loves_ you," Sora repeated. "He didn't want to hurt you. Not after all you've been through."

Axel tried to disagree, but nothing came. No words, no thoughts, everything just seemed so… unreal all of a sudden.

"He still does, you know," Sora added quietly.

Again Axel opened his mouth, but closed it again. He wanted to believe it… He wanted it to be true… He wanted to feel the _same_…

But whom was he trying to fool?

He _did_.

Again he looked at the door. He froze when he noticed people outside; a few guys, who were running in the same direction as Roxas had before.

He still stayed silent for a moment before he looked at Sora once more.

"I was the only one he ever told, wasn't I?" he asked. He didn't need to say what he had meant. The sad smile on Sora's face showed clearly he understood what Axel had meant.

"Aside from me, yes," Sora answered, and Axel didn't doubt for one second that he told the truth. "Yes, you were."

_I was the only one, the only one he ever told he loved them… He only told me, but he can't, he can't love me… I…_

He slowly pushed back his chair and stood up, waiting for a second, opening his mouth to explain to his friends what he was going to do… But he just turned around as soon as he realized he had _no clue_ what he was about to do. He left, slowly making his way over to the door. His hand was still shaking a little when he pushed it open.

He felt somewhat odd, numb and lightheaded; a part of him wanted to go back, run away, everything but walk over to where he could see those guys he had seen earlier standing; yet another part was drawn there, even more so when he noticed the golden haired boy amongst them.

"… kiss me and try to grope me and try to throw me onto the bed as soon as I brought you home?" he heard Roxas' eerily calm voice ask. "Why did you act like you _wanted_ me if I'm so _disgusting_?"

Axel flinched, but was able to hold back a pained groan. All those guys had touched Roxas, had kissed him… The thought that they had kissed those soft lips, touched the flawless skin, heard his sweet voice moan in pleasure, even if it had been faked, the thought alone was driving Axel insane.

_But he never told them what he told me,_ he reminded himself.

He listened as all seven boys insulted Roxas, blamed him, cursed at him, called him a whore, a slut… He listened, but couldn't take his eyes off Roxas, even though one of the guys was blocking most of his view.

How could they call Roxas a whore when he was sitting right there, angelic and pure as ever? How could they not see how innocent he still was, even after all he had done? Axel could see it; he could see it so clearly, it was painful to still hold back.

_He is not innocent,_ he tried to argue weakly. _He is far from innocent. What they say is true!_

"Are you just angry because I made you admit you were into guys as well?" Roxas' voice sounded again, and again Axel couldn't help but listen. "Are you ashamed, because you lusted after a guy?" But how could one be ashamed to love an angel like him? "Or are you angry because you were so weak to fall into my trap?" But who could resist his sweet, sweet smile? Not even Axel had been able to… "Or… are you angry because now you know you can _never_ have me?" Roxas laughed, causing Axel to shiver. His laugh was so clear, and yet it sounded so wrong, so hurtful. "You hate me, because you know you _still_ want me…"

Of course… Who ever had seen Roxas' smile, who ever had heard him whisper his lies, who ever had caught even the smallest glimpse of the pureness that lay underneath… would never be able to resist him.

Axel winced when the guy standing right in front of Roxas grabbed the blond, abruptly ending Roxas' laughter. He watched as that guy shoved Roxas down onto the table and was frozen in shock.

How dared that _imbecile_ to treat his Sunshine like this?

_Not Sunshine,_ he reminded himself. _Roxas._

"Nobody wants _you_," the raven-haired guy yelled, and Axel's eyes widened when he heard Roxas cry out in pain. "You are disgusting! Not even your _ex-boyfriend_ would want to touch you anymore!"

That guy… that guy had hurt Roxas. _Hurt_ him. How dared he! How dared he to touch him! How dared he to even be near him! How dared he to defile Roxas with his mere presence! _How dared he to hurt Roxas!_

He wanted to kill that bastard. Thinking was no longer an option. He had hurt Roxas, and for that he deserved to _die_.

He stepped forward quickly, shoving one of the bystanders, who apparently hadn't noticed him yet, to the side roughly and hitting another one square in the face when he turned around and failed to get out of Axel's way right away. The others had barely even noticed him when he grabbed their leader, the raven-haired asshole, and jerked him around.

The boy let go of Roxas, staring at Axel surprised. It was so _satisfying_ to punch his idiotic face, and Axel allowed himself a nasty smirk before hot fury took over his thoughts once more.

He looked back to glance at Roxas briefly, taking in his hazy eyes and pained expression. Roxas was holding his head with one hand, and he looked so scared, so lost, so confused and alone, it made Axel feel sick.

He turned around and concentrated on those bullies again. They had insulted Roxas. They had touched Roxas. They had hurt Roxas, and for that they needed to pay.

He didn't wait for the other guys to recover from their shock, but attacked them right away. For a moment it felt like he was back in the orphanage, but the feeling quickly subsided when he realized these bastards here had no idea how to fight. Raven-haired Asshole didn't even try to participate, but kept holding his nose. Pathetic.

The other six guys at least tried to hit him, but it was laughably easy to dodge their undirected punches, while dealing out some blows himself. Of course he had to be fast to dodge all six of them, but speed and agility had always been his trademark abilities rather than brute force. He was running on pure instinct by now; punched and kicked and dodged and jumped to the side, tried to take them out of the fight one-by-one.

They didn't last long. Axel felt a scornful smirk stretch his lips as he watched them lying in the grass, trying to catch their breath and holding hurting body parts. But the smirk soon vanished as his anger cooled down; he forced his body to relax and his face to show nothing but cool composure. They weren't even worth his anger. Pathetic losers.

"Fuck off, before I get _angry_," he said coolly, brushing back his hood. He saw them flinch at the sound of his voice and raised his fist when one of them tried to stand up, reminding the boy not to try anything funny.

"You _bastard_," Raven-haired Asshole shouted, though his voice still sounded somewhat funny; Axel wondered if he had actually broken his nose.

"I'm not the one trying to beat up a guy who's about half my size, dumbass," Axel hissed, glaring at the other boy who flinched at his angry stare. "You cowards! Does it really take seven of you to beat him up, huh?"

"We'll report you, you asshole!" Axel was tempted to laugh at the guy who had said that; really, he had been reported because of less back home, and the worst that had ever happened had been one week of suspension. He could live with that.

"You do that," he grinned. "And then the whole school will know I took out all seven of you on my own." Oh, _that_ had hurt their pride, he could tell. He allowed his smirk to grow a little. "Or do you want to try again? I could use blowing off some steam right now."

"You just surprised us!" One of them said. "We could take you down easily, you freak!"

Again Axel just wanted to laugh out loud. Yeah, right. _Maybe_, if they _all_ attacked him at once, they could score one or two hits.

"I'd love to see you try, princess," he snorted amused. He slowly shoved the sleeves of his jacket up his arm, smirking wider when he noticed them follow the threatening gesture wide-eyed. "Do you have any idea what it's like to be the only one with red hair in primary school?" he drawled on. "No? Well, think of bullies two grades over you and about twice your size picking on you every fucking day, and the only thing you can do to defend yourself is kicking their balls or breaking their nose or knocking them out any other way." He knew he was grinning quite manically by now, but he had way too much fun watching their frightened faces to stop. "What's the matter, princess? You can't imagine it, because you've been raised in your little golden cage down at the beach and not on the street in the worst district of the big, bad city?"

He couldn't hold back loud laughter any longer as he watched them jump up and run away, pure horror written all over their dumb faces when they glanced back at the laughing redhead. Axel couldn't help but tease them some more. Hell, this was so _amusing_! They really seemed scared of him, seven guys, afraid of him!

"Yeah, run away, you pussies!" he shouted, feeling dark glee welling up inside him; he had to admit he was probably overdoing it a little, but he needed to do this, he needed to get some of his frustration out of his system, and fighting them had granted at least a little relief. He knew it was only temporary, but after all the - he didn't even dare to think the word _heartbreak_, but it would have fit – he needed at least something to concentrate on, other than…

"Run home," he yelled and gestured crudely after them, still laughing between his equally crude words. "And tell your mommies that awful, mean redhead gave you a big, fat _owie_…" He laughed again, so hard his stomach started to hurt… He didn't know whom he was talking to anymore, but the words just wouldn't stop flowing from his grinning mouth. There they ran, those cowards, not even looking back!

"Fuck," he gasped breathlessly. "If that doesn't give me a badass reputation, I don't know what does!"

And then he _did_ remember who was still listening to his crazy rambling, and he turned around. To look at Roxas.

He _loathed_ how his face grew so serious, almost emotionless, yet he couldn't do anything to stop it. It was the only way he knew to keep his still hurting soul intact.

He noticed how Roxas' eyes widened and how he leaned back, acting as if he was scared.

Oh God. Oh God, it hurt so much to see him so scared, so lost, so broken and fearful. Axel wanted to reach out and hug him; he wanted to whisper to him that everything was alright, that he didn't have to be scared.

Instead he just watched Roxas' big eyes grow even wider as he stepped closer, listened to the blond's rapid, panicked panting for air and wanted to grab him and shake him and yell at him, that he didn't have to be scared, that he didn't have to look at Axel as if he was going to _kill_ him…

Those eyes, they were burning right into Axel's soul…

He reached out and touched Roxas' face, hearing a small gasp falling from Roxas' pouty lips, those lips he desired to kiss so badly… He curled his fingers around Roxas' chin, just like he had done that time at the beach, right after Roxas had found out about his shameful secret, that time when they had kissed, that time when Roxas had showed him what it felt like to be _not_ tainted, _not_ broken, but normal; just a normal teenager, who didn't have to constantly fear that he would hurt someone in a fit of madness one day …

He forced Roxas' head around so he wouldn't have to look into those scared blue eyes anymore; they would haunt him in his dreams, no doubt, he didn't want to see them when he was awake as well.

He reached up and ran his free hand trough Roxas' golden spikes, like he had done so often before; they felt soft, so surprisingly soft, and he felt his knees go weak at the mere feeling. He barely could hold back a distressed moan.

His fingers brushed over a bump at the back of Roxas' head, where it probably had hit the table before. It took all of his willpower not to immediately follow that guy and smash his face against a wall until his skull cracked like an eggshell in Axel's hands…

"Does it hurt?" he heard his own voice ask, and he was glad that it didn't show his distress, but sounded strong and steady. He felt Roxas flinch; the small blond didn't dare to look at him, but Axel could clearly see his panicked expression.

"A… little," was the whispered answer, and Axel watched blue eyes close, oddly fascinated.

"Good," he replied without thinking as he let his hands drop to his sides again. He winced when he realized what he had said; it had to have sounded like he _wanted_ Roxas to be hurt, but he didn't… well, he _did_… but…

… No, no, he didn't want Roxas to be hurt. Even after everything Roxas had done. He just couldn't stand the thought of Roxas being hurt. It was too painful to even think about it.

"What are you doing here?" Roxas' almost inaudible voice startled him out of his thoughts; he tried to pull himself together again, shaking his head before he concentrated on Roxas once more. His blue eyes were open again, he noticed, but still staring down, away from Axel.

"Making sure they didn't give you a concussion or something," Axel replied quietly, reaching out, tempted to run his hand through soft hair and over a smooth cheek, but instead just holding it in front of Roxas' eyes, raising three fingers. "How many fingers?"

He really tried to tell himself that he was only still here because he wanted to make sure Roxas was alright; it was just something one should do if they witnessed someone being hurt. But he knew that he only stayed because he couldn't stand the thought of Roxas being alone and hurt and sad.

"Why did you follow me?" Roxas asked again, and Axel winced again. Roxas could see right through him; he knew that Axel was lying, that Axel still loved him, that…

… What…? What… had he just thought? He…

All of a sudden unfair, surreal seeming anger broke off Axel's train of thought. He couldn't tell if he was angry at Roxas or himself; probably both, but it didn't matter anyway as his body reacted, too harsh for sweet, fragile Roxas, who flinched violently when Axel's hand grabbed his chin again to make him look up.

One look into those scared, blue eyes almost made Axel falter. _Almost_.

"I just followed those guys who followed you," Axel hissed through gritted teeth, and he knew it was a lie. Always Roxas, it was always Roxas who made him do such stupid things; always Roxas who roused such painful, overwhelming feelings inside him that made it impossible for him to think straight anymore. "Could you _not_ be difficult for once and just answer my fucking question?"

"But _why_ did you do that?" Roxas insisted, his sweet voice pleading and so, so confused. Axel's hand fell down, and immediately Roxas looked down again. Axel's hands clenched at his sides, trembling slightly.

"Should I rather sit back and _watch_?" he asked, still angry, still shaking, and so yearning to touch Roxas again and kiss him and make him feel better… It killed him to see Roxas like this, he knew it shouldn't, but it did. He hated this! He hated himself, and he hated the way Roxas gasped in distress, as if he was scared. He hated how Roxas was unable to look at him. He…

"Yes! That's what you should have done…" Roxas whispered desperately, and Axel barely registered the words before he retorted sharply.

"You're stupid," he hissed coldly. "They would have…" _… hurt you, touched you, hurt you, kissed you, felt you, hurt, hurt, hurt you…_

"I'm not worth the trouble!" Roxas suddenly yelled, and Axel's angry, jumbled, incoherent thoughts were silenced at once. He was stunned into silence when Roxas' head snapped up, tears in his eyes and sheer desperation tingeing his sweet voice, almost making it break. He could only stare at Roxas dumbfounded and confused, and it took him a while to understand what Roxas was saying. "You know I'm not worth it! You should have just sat back and watched, that's _exactly_ what you should have done! Why do you even _bother_? You _hate_ me! You can't even trust me anymore! You probably wish you never told me about your sister…"

… Hate? _Hate_? Did… Did Roxas think… that Axel _hated_ him? No, no, _no_, he didn't, he couldn't, no hate, there was no…

He sighed, felt his heart skipping a beat as he reached out, as he tried to touch Roxas, to make him understand…

"Roxas…" he breathed his beloved's name, but Roxas never gave him a chance to explain. He batted Axel's hand to the side and shook his head, his pained eyes closing again, his beautiful face a mask of pure misery.

"No!" the small blond screamed, almost hysterical. "Y-You have to stay _away_ f-from me! E-Every time you're close to me you get _hurt_! I don't want t-to h-hurt you even _more_!"

Again Axel was stunned; too stunned to think, too stunned to feel, too stunned to react when suddenly Roxas jumped from the table and ran away. He was too slow, Roxas was long gone when he tried to reach out and hold him back…

He watched helplessly as Roxas left him, finally sinking down to his knees, sitting back on his heels, his eyes still trained on the spot where Roxas had vanished.

None of his memories had ever been as hurtful and heartbreaking as this. He tried to suppress the tears that threatened to well up in his eyes, and he succeeded, if only barely. But he couldn't hold back a strangled sob, and he threw both hands over his mouth to stifle the strained sound.

Roxas, Roxas, Roxas… His cure, his _love_… He didn't want him to be hurt, and yet he couldn't stop hurting him, because he was weak, because he was tainted, because he was flawed… Oh, he felt so selfish, so cruel; he had made Roxas believe he hated him, Roxas thought he h-… _hated_… him… And yet he only thought about Axel; even though Axel had made him feel like he hated Roxas, the blond was still concerned, still only saw how much the whole situation hurt Axel…

"_Every time you're close to me you get hurt… I don't want to hurt you even more… Stay away from me, stay away from me… You hate me, stay away from me, away from me, I don't want to hurt you…"_

"Oh _God_," Axel groaned through his hands, doubling over as his stomach decided to give a nasty lurch, breathing fast and shallow, eyes wide and unseeing. It all suddenly hit him; it had felt so unreal before, all the pain, all the heartbreak, too terrible to be true; it had felt more like some fucked-up, cheesy, overly dramatic romance novel, but now it became real, so real, and the cold barrier he had erected around his bleeding heart to protect himself crumbled, withered away. His brain jumbled memories and voices together to create an agonizing choir, almost driving him insane. "I don't hate you, I don't, I can't, Roxas, _Roxas_… Don't go, don't go away, don't leave me, I need you, _I need you_…" he whined, even though he knew Roxas couldn't hear him anymore. The words just spilled from his mouth, irresistible, overpowering, making him wish he was dead, so he could never feel so hurt again, so he would never cause so much pain to anyone…

He didn't know how long it took him to stand up again, but honestly, he didn't care. He felt so hollow and tired, and yet he knew he would not be able to sleep or even stop thinking and feeling. His whole body was shaking, the raw despair slowly making him lose his mind.

He only noticed he had pulled out his cell phone when he heard the soft click as he pressed a button to call a certain number. The tiny part of him that was still thinking was glad that he at least seemed to remember not to worry his friends anymore.

"Axel?" Riku's voice immediately answered, just after one ring. Axel still stared at the same point, breathing heavily, and it took him a minute to force the words out of his mouth.

"Don't try to find me," he whispered hoarsely, and he heard a sharp intake of breath. "Don't worry, I won't… I just… I need some time for myself, please, Riku…"

"Axel, are you alright? Please, don't do anything stupid, _please_…" Riku begged, and Axel shook his head, even though the other boy couldn't see him anyway.

"I won't, don't worry," he promised, but he knew Riku didn't give much about his empty promises. Why should he?

"What happened?" Riku insisted. "Are you alright?"

"Tell Sora to go home," Axel said quietly, ignoring Riku's question. "Tell him to take care of his brother. Roxas… he needs him right now."

He just hung up, ignored Riku's worried voice, and started to walk away. Where to he didn't know, and he really lacked the will to care.

* * *

He was laughing himself to tears when he realized that, _of course_, he had ended up at the _beach_ again. Where else? Grinning madly he wiped his cheeks, only to start laughing again when he realized people around him were staring at him. Well, he knew that his laughter was just fake and born out of pure despair, but of course _they_ only saw a tall redhead with tattoos on his face, who was laughing his fucking ass off without any discernible reason.

Still chuckling like crazy he walked down to the shoreline, flopping down into the sand, watching the beautiful sunset. Oh, wait. He had been walking for a while, hadn't he? The sun was already setting? Oooh, so _that_ was why his feet were hurting so much… He had been running around for hours…

He searched his jacket for his lighter and the almost empty packet of cigarettes, lit one up and glanced into the small package. Only two left. Oh well. He probably should stop anyway. It was a nasty habit, and way too expensive for someone who was in a witness-protection program. Not that the authorities in Hollow Bastion weren't generous, ever since it had become generally known that they had fucked up in Axel's and his friends' cases; that they had looked away for too long and had let the boys be tortured by those psychopaths, not even trying to step in when Riku had gone to the police. The media had been really nasty about it all when one of the policemen who had been involved had revealed some of the details. It was the main reason the authorities had allowed the boys to be brought here, where they would be watched over by Leon, Cloud and Aerith and wouldn't be bothered by nosy journalists. Oh, officially it was because Riku's brothers were still on the loose, but really, everyone knew it was because of the bad publicity. As if they cared whether or not those psychos got Axel and his friends again. Not that Axel minded. The house they lived in was paid by Hollow Bastion, along with some pocket money for them, their phone bills, their clothes, food, simply everything. Axel had never owned as much stuff as he did now.

But right now he didn't care about that; he just sat there at the beach, enjoying the warmth of the sand, the pretty colors of the sunset and the clean scent of the sea; and he especially enjoyed how his thoughts didn't seem to make any sense at all. Especially not the thoughts revolving around Roxas, Roxas, _Sunshine_, _Roxy_…

No, nope, they didn't make sense at all. How amusing. Maybe he had lost his mind? Oh, he wouldn't be surprised. Aerith had mentioned that one time; that he might just snap one day if he kept refusing proper psychological treatment. For someone as young as him, who had been through as much as he had, it was not healthy to refuse help and try to keep his feelings to himself. Especially in his case, she had said. He had been held hostage the longest, he had been tortured the most, both physically and mentally (well, he really doubted that point – Riku was the one who had lived there all of his life), and to add to that he had lost his parents at a very young age… No wonder that he had…

His face suddenly fell, and he looked down at his arm, slowly pushing back the sleeves of his jacket and shirt, gazing at the pale skin for a while.

The scar was barely visible, and not only because the sun had almost set already; it had healed really well, and funny enough, he had never been the type to bruise or scar easily, despite his pretty fair complexion. He could only see it because he knew it was there; not many people knew about it, even though he had never tried to hide it. True, he wore long-sleeved shirts most of the time, sometimes wristbands, but he didn't do that because of the scar.

It was about fifteen centimeters long, very pale, running over the inside of his thin wrist. He couldn't help an amused snort; it just made him look like some fucking emo kid.

He let his hands drop, let them dangle between his bent legs, watching the first stars start to twinkle in a perfect summer sky, as the sun had already set while he had been thinking.

He sighed and took a drag from his cigarette, inhaled the spicy tasting smoke deeply. Usually it would have calmed him down, but he probably was too messed up to ever calm down again.

He felt his phone vibrate inside his pocket and sighed again, rubbing his weary eyes; Riku and Zexion just wouldn't stop calling him, even though he always hung up on them.

He still pulled out his cell phone and flipped it open, raising his brows surprised when he read 'New Text Message' instead of 'Missed Call' this time. Complementing whether or not to read it he finally pressed the green button, his eyes widening at the words.

"_Roxas will try to hurt himself if you don't come here."_

He slowly outstretched his hand and dropped his cigarette into the warm sand. He kept re-reading the words until his eyes started to burn. Then he looked up to the stars again; and then he looked around, stopping at a group of palm trees separating this public beach from a certain private one in the distance, only illuminated by the gentle moonlight.

He stared at the palm trees for a while before he rose from the sand, absently brushing sand off his pants before he started to walk. He found a small path leading through the palm trees, following it just like the last time he had come here… He hadn't really known where he was going at that time, but now he knew, and everything inside him screamed at him to turn around and just go home.

He kept walking until he reached the other side of the trees; leaning against one of them he stared up to the mansion at the other end of the beach, so familiar even though it was already dark, and the only time he had seen the huge house in the dark had been a night he didn't remember very well. A night full of dancing and laughter and a night full of memories and pain.

He slowly raised the phone to his ear. He didn't even have to wait for a second until Riku picked up.

"You have to talk to him," Riku said without a greeting. Axel stayed silent for a while, not yet trusting his voice completely.

"He'll be fine," he finally whispered, trying to convince himself of it just as much as Riku. Yes, one day Roxas would just forget about him and be fine again. Now he was hurt, but… he wouldn't be forever.

"He locked himself in his room," Riku told him quietly. "He didn't talk to anybody, not even Sora. Kairi and Naminé are here too. _Not one word_."

"He'll be _fine_," Axel insisted, but now he grew worried. Not even Sora? Roxas hadn't even talked to his brother?

"When we came here the only thing we heard was his screaming. You didn't hear him. It was horrible, Axel, he just wouldn't stop… I had to bring Sora away, he freaked out when Roxas wouldn't answer him and just kept yelling like that, like he… Oh, I don't know. Like he was _tortured_. Sora is still crying… He says he knows Roxas is crying too." Axel listened to Riku's explanation, feeling worse and worse with every word.

"Why aren't you with your boyfriend then?" he asked hoarsely, trying to distract himself from the things Riku had said.

"Why aren't _you_?" Riku retorted sharply, and Axel had nothing he could reply to that.

"What makes you think he would talk to me when he doesn't even talk to Sora?" he finally muttered.

"Don't be stupid," Riku snarled. "You are the reason he locked himself up in the first place."

Again Axel couldn't reply for a while.

"You don't know what he did," he said after a while, and he knew he sounded quite defensive now.

"Oh, I _do_ know," Riku disagreed. "The drawings. His experiments. Sora told me about them. And I tried to ask Roxas about them in the morning, but he…"

"You _know_?" Axel asked surprised, and all of a sudden the anger was back. The drawings, yes, all those people Roxas had used and thrown away, all those people he hadn't told Axel about...

"Why are you so mad about them?" Riku asked, his voice unusually gentle. "Why do you even care? That's just not like you…"

"Why do I care?" Axel hissed furiously. "Three-hundred people, Riku! He took them all home! He let them all touch him, like a…"

"I will ignore what you were going to say about Sora's brother, because I know it's not what you really think," Riku interrupted him coolly. "You know he did it because he doesn't care about them the slightest. But he cares about _you_. Those people are not important to him, but _you_ are. And don't act like you didn't break quite a number of hearts back home yourself."

"That was different," Axel argued stiffly. The nerve of that guy! To remind him of all the poor girls he had turned down rudely, of all the unfortunate boys he had confused so much they had actually started to doubt their sexual orientation… Oh, he had stopped of course when Demyx had pleaded him to; that had been the night they had gotten together.

Still. That had been different! He had never meant to do harm, it had just been… a game, not serious, never meant to _hurt_ people.

"It was not," Riku disagreed. "Maybe it wasn't as bad, because you were just fooling around a bit, but it wasn't _different_."

"I won't talk about that with you," Axel snarled angrily. "You know I'm not like that anymore."

"Fine, then just answer my fucking question! _Why do you care?_"

"He would have done the same to me! He drew me too!"

"Okay, that's just a load of bullshit, he would _never_ have done the same to you," Riku said quietly. "Axel, right now he's in his room, all alone, and he _suffers_, because of _you_. He loves…"

"He doesn't love me!" Axel yelled at the top of his lungs, falling to his knees and hitting the palm tree next to him with all of his might. Sharp pain jolted through his hand, all the way up his arm to his shoulder, but he barely felt it; the blank despair was way worse, and again he could hear Roxas' voice…

"_I don't want to hurt you…"_

"You have no idea," he screamed into his phone, drawing a surprised gasp from Riku. "You have _no idea_! He can't love me, because if he did, he wouldn't have done this to me! He wouldn't have let me… You don't know anything, you don't know how much it _hurts_, you don't know… He lied to me, he _lied_, he… he's not… _He's not Sunshine_!"

With a loud sob he ripped the phone from his face and snapped it shut, curling up and hiding his face in his arms; no one could see him anyway, and yet he felt like he had to hide the tears rolling down his cold cheeks.

It all came down to this. Roxas was not Sunshine. It just had been a role he had played for Axel; smiling and laughing and soothing and calm… Not real. Nothing had been real.

So why couldn't he just hate Roxas for it? For not being Sunshine?

_Because it's my own fault._

He looked up slowly, narrowing his eyes. This time it was not a foreign voice accusing him; not Roxas' voice, nor Sora's, not Kadaj or Ariel… but only a thought, his own mind hinting something he had not seen before, something he had not _wanted_ to see…

_He's not Sunshine, of course not. Sunshine is perfect. Nobody can be as perfect. But he tried to be, just for me. He tried to be Sunshine, and he failed. Because I demanded too much; I was selfish, I never stopped worshipping him, never saw how scared he was… He was always scared that I would find out, and he was scared I would be hurt… And he didn't want to hurt me. It's my fault. I forced him to be Sunshine. I… I should not blame him that he couldn't be, because he at least tried. And me? I just reminded him all the time, how fragile I was, how hurt, and how I needed him to be someone he wasn't. I gave him the feeling he wasn't good enough. Now I know why he always was so insecure about us… Because he thought I would hate him if I knew. He thinks I _hate_ him. _

Those thoughts sounded very rational and calm, despite the inner turmoil Axel was feeling right now. He struggled to grasp their deeper meaning, closing his eyes again and inhaling the sweet night air, once, twice, to calm him down.

He… had forced Roxas to be Sunshine? He hadn't… had he? He didn't know… No, it had been a façade, one that Roxas had created to fool him…

_But I tried to fool him as well in the beginning… I tried to make him believe that I was normal… And I almost killed him, and yet he came back to me, because he's so strong… so brave… brave enough to confess his love to me, brave enough to let me read the letters…_

It was hard to concentrate by now; Axel frowned and leaned forward slightly, tried to understand those thoughts that were running through his head.

_He gave me the letters… He trusted me… When I said I didn't want them, he almost backed down, but he still made me read them… He… So strong… I would have never… I didn't even tell him about Kadaj myself… He tried to make me stop… when I told him about Ariel… He didn't want me to trust him… He tried to make me see… that he wasn't Sunshine… that he wasn't perfect… _

Roxas had tried to stop him… Roxas had tried to tell him… and every time he had tried, Axel had made him back down; by telling him how much he needed Sunshine, by having a flashback, by… relying on Sunshine too much.

Even worse, he had told Roxas he trusted him. And Roxas had believed his words… he had really believed that Axel trusted him, and had finally worked up the courage to admit that he wasn't Sunshine, that he wasn't as perfect as Axel had tried to force him to be. Because he had thought Axel would care for him enough to forgive him. That the stupid things he had done in the past wouldn't affect their relationship.

Roxas was really sorry, Axel knew. He had seen it every time he had looked into those sad, blue eyes.

Why did he even care? Riku was right – it wasn't like Axel to judge people because of things they had done in the past, because he had done many stupid things himself. Why did he care about the letters, or the people behind them? He didn't know them, he didn't know who they were, or if they had done anything to deserve what Roxas had done; he didn't even know if what they had written was true. Hell, he _knew_ they had lied; that one girl had _told_ him they had, that Roxas hadn't told them he loved them. So why should he believe all the other things they had accused Roxas of?

Well… Some of them were true, even Roxas had admitted that much. But… he really shouldn't care about them. He should only care about Roxas, about the things Roxas had done for him, the sacrifices he had made, so Axel would be happy.

Axel sighed deeply, tried to remember what it had felt like to be with Roxas. Just to be near him. Warm, he remembered; warm and gentle and tingly and… and very unfamiliar, but so good, so very warm… Every time he had been close to Roxas, every time he had kissed those soft lips, every time he had seen a cute little blush covering Roxas' sweet face, every time Roxas had been flustered about something Axel had done or said; every time they had simply held hands, Axel's heart had been about to burst with happiness.

He couldn't believe it had all been faked. The letters never described Roxas like that; in the letters he was calm and composed, suave and cunning; never bashful or flustered, not even angry, just… cold. Uncaring about their feelings. Yes, uncaring…

But now…

Axel looked up, stared at the mansion. Glanced at his phone again, briefly contemplated just calling Roxas and telling him that he should get out of his room and talk to his brother, to his friends, and stop acting like the spoiled brat he was.

And he couldn't. Because it would mean that he gave up.

He glared at his phone briefly before he shoved it back into his pocket, angrily scrambling to his feet.

He couldn't give up, he thought while he slowly made his way over to the mansion. He couldn't give up, because he was selfish; because he didn't want to be the reason for Roxas to suffer, because that made him feel so goddamn _awful_. He couldn't give up because he knew the letters mostly consisted of lies. He couldn't give up because the time with Roxas had been the fucking best time of his life, because he had felt so alive, so normal, so wonderful when he had been with Roxas, because…

… Because he had fallen so hard for the sweet little blond it made it impossible for him to… stand back and watch him suffer without doing anything. Roxas didn't deserve to be so hurt. Roxas had tried to change for him; to be perfect, to help him the best he could.

He needed to talk to Roxas. He needed to see him; to hold him; he… needed to take the pain away. He had to make Roxas see that… he didn't have to play Sunshine anymore, that… he was perfect just the way he was…

He had to show Roxas that he would not give up what they had had. He had to show Roxas that he cared, and that his feelings wouldn't go away…

_But what if he doesn't want me back after all I said?_

He almost hesitated, but then reached up again, not even bothering to search for the gate in the wall that separated the garden from the private beach in the dim moonlight. He still would go and tell Roxas that he wanted him back; if Roxas didn't want the same, he would have to accept it. But… he needed to let Roxas know that he was willing to fight.

He managed to grip the upper edge of the wall and pull himself up somehow; it was laughably easy to get into the mansion, he thought. All the security shit, walls and gates and freaking microchips and that stuff didn't seem to have any purpose really, if one could just go to the beach and climb over the not too high wall. Okay, but really, where could a thief probably flee to after robbing the Haradas? To the next island? The coast was too far away, and the police on Destiny Islands worked together really well.

He jumped down on the other side, only barely missing one of those damn rosebushes. Regaining his balance quickly he looked up.

There was light falling through the glass doors leading to the living room. The black and white one. The one that reminded Axel so strongly of Roxas; not only because of the colors, but because of the things that had happened here. It was the room where Roxas had tried to kiss him the first time, that one fateful first day… He could remember only bits and pieces, thanks to the flashback Roxas' actions had caused; but he could clearly remember that Roxas had looked so very cute in the red light of the sunset, clutching that folder to his chest as if his life depended on it, as he stared at Axel adoringly…

Now he could see Riku sitting by the glass doors, looking down, deep in thought. When he stepped closer he could also see Sora; the younger boy was sitting across from Riku, holding his face in his hands, his shoulders jerking from time to time. Behind him Axel could see Kairi and Naminé, sitting on two of the armchairs. They were watching Sora, sad expressions on both their faces.

Naminé was the first to notice him lurking outside the glass doors. She stared at him for a moment before she grabbed Kairi's arm, whispering something to the other girl and pointing at Axel.

Kairi seemed to gasp, and both Riku and Sora looked at her; then they both followed Naminé's outstretched hand, and Axel found four pairs of eyes fixed on him.

One certain pair of blue ones was shining wetly, seemed reddened and puffy; but it only took a second before they took on a murderous gleam.

Sora jumped up and quickly crossed the room, shoving the glass door open and stepping outside. Axel tried not to flinch back, but when Sora grabbed his collar and pulled him down with surprising strength, he couldn't help but gasp surprised.

"What the fuck are you doing here?" Sora hissed, and his eyes were hard and cold like ice. Axel had never seen him this angry before… And judging the others' expressions, they hadn't either.

"Why are you here?" Sora repeated, his voice growing louder. He even shook Axel a little, and the redhead was about to protest… But then he just couldn't. He let Sora yell at him, and he knew he deserved so much worse.

"Roxas," he just answered, and he wasn't even surprised when suddenly Sora's gloved hand connected with the side of his face. But he still stumbled back two steps, tripped and fell to the ground none too gracefully; holding his cheek he glanced up, calmly looking into Sora's blazing blue eyes.

"How dare you!" the small brunet grinded out, stepping forward. "How could you hurt him so much? He… He _loves_ you!"

Axel quickly scrambled to his feet again… and caught Sora's fist just in time, preventing it from making contact with his face.

"You _jerk_!" Sora cried, tried to free his hand, but Axel held onto it tight. "You fucker! You _bastard_! Y-You have no… no idea, he loves you so much, he…" Tears welled up in Sora's eyes, and Axel quickly grabbed his other wrist before the brunet remembered to make use of his other hand. "Why did you hurt him so much? Why, _why_?"

All of a sudden Sora slumped, hung his head and started to cry, shoulders jerking with every distressed sob that fell from his lips.

Axel didn't even think, but embraced the crying boy gently, ignoring how Sora tried to shove him away; he flinched when Sora started to hit his shoulder weakly, pressing his face against Axel's chest.

"H-… He loves you so much!" Sora sobbed, and Axel had to hold him up when Sora threatened to break down completely, his legs almost giving out under him.

"I know," he whispered and ran a hand over Sora's head in a soothing manner. He felt his own eyes tear up, but refused to let his weakness show in front of his friends.

"He tried t-to t-tell you, but…"

"I know…"

"H-He tried to change for you! He tried t-to b-be perfect, just for _you_! H-He's not perfect, b-but he tried s-so _hard_…"

"I know, Sora, I know," Axel said quietly, glancing over the crying boy's head at Riku, who had stepped closer silently. Riku seemed very unsure whether or not to touch Sora, his aquamarine eyes trained on Sora's head. He looked so pale, his eyes so dark; it had to kill him to see the boy he cared for so deeply cry.

"It's all my fault!" Sora bawled, and he stopped hitting Axel; instead his hands closed around Axel's shirt. "I… I wanted t-to force him t-to tell you, I… I said I'd tell you about them if he didn't… I told him… I told him that you w-wouldn't c-care about them…"

"Shhh, no, it's not your fault," Axel disagreed, and he grasped Sora's hand, pulled them away from his clothes; very cautiously he pushed Sora back, and Riku immediately took the small brunet into his arms. Sora sobbed loudly, latching onto Riku instantly. The silver-haired boy sighed sadly, breathing a gentle kiss onto Sora's tear-streaked cheek and running a hand through his spiky brown hair.

"It's my fault," Axel continued, his voice barely above a whisper. Sora looked up to him, his head resting on Riku's shoulder; his eyes were impossibly wide and so helpless; so pleading, so… hopeful.

"He doesn't talk to me," Sora whimpered heartbroken; Axel couldn't even begin to understand how much this had to hurt him; that his brother, his twin wouldn't talk to him anymore, that he wasn't able to help... Axel knew they shared a strong bond, but still…

"I'm so sorry," Axel said, and he meant it. "It's my fault, I…" He sighed, looked down at his feet. He couldn't look at Sora any longer. "Sora…"

"You have to…" Sora sniffed and wiped his face with one hand, still holding onto Riku with the other one. "You will talk to him, right? Will you? You…"

"I want to try…" Axel replied. "I… I don't know if he even wants to see me anymore…"

"Are you kidding?" Kairi suddenly spoke up; she was holding Naminé now, who had hidden her face in her hands much like Sora had done before. Kairi's eyes narrowed at Axel. "It doesn't matter if he wants to talk. You have to _make_ him talk. He's not in his right mind right now, he doesn't know what's good for him. Or else he would have let at least Sora into his room."

Against his will Axel had to smile fleetingly.

"You're probably right," he agreed and looked down to the ground again. "But… I have to ask you to leave."

He didn't exactly know why he had said that; it wasn't quite clear to him yet, there was just a very… vague plan growing in his mind.

"No, no, I won't… I can't leave." Sora shook his head wildly. "No, I won't leave him!"

"Sora…" The words just spilled from Axel's mouth. He couldn't stop them, didn't even want to. "I… I want to talk to Roxas, I really do, I… just… Listen, I don't want to be interrupted."

"I won't interrupt you," Sora replied, frowning angrily. "But I won't leave the house! No!"

"Do you think you can promise me that?" Axel asked gently. "He might be pretty mad at me. If we start a fight, could you promise me to do nothing? If you hear your brother screaming at me, could you just listen and stay where you are?"

"I could, I could!" Sora screamed. "I won't leave!"

"No, you couldn't," Axel disagreed calmly. "You would try to help him. You would try to protect your brother."

"I… No, I…"

"Of course you would. But I have to talk to him _alone_, do you understand?" Axel interrupted him. "I have to… tell him some things… Things he won't want to hear…"

"But I…" Sora whispered. He shook his head. "Don't… don't hurt him, please, no more… He… he can't take any more…" He raised his shaking hands to cover his eyes, shaking his head. "You… you would _destroy_ him…"

"I don't want to hurt him," Axel sighed. "I never wanted to, I was just so… confused, and angry… because he didn't tell me earlier, because he… because he made me… care for him so much…"

"Shit, Axel…" Riku suddenly exclaimed, and when Axel looked up to glance at his friend, he noticed that Riku seemed even paler than usual. "I've never heard you talk like that."

Axel just smiled, feeling his face heat up a little.

"I've never felt like this either," he admitted, suddenly feeling a bit bashful and anxious. It became worse with every minute. Really, what would he do if Roxas didn't want him back?

"But what if you fight, and… and you go away, and I'm not here…" Sora whined softly; he shook his head again. "I can't leave. If you leave him alone…"

"Our house is not far away," Axel tried to calm him down. "Riku can bring you there, I'm sure Demy and Zexion won't mind. And I'll give you a call if anything happens. You could be here in five minutes…"

"It wouldn't even take him _one_ minute to get Father's gun out of his office, or jump from the roof, or… get a knife," Sora screamed hysterically. "You just don't get how _hurt_ he is!"

"Sora," Axel said and laid a hand onto the brunet's shaking shoulder, looking deep into his eyes. "I won't let anything happen to him, do you understand me? I won't leave. If… If I can't fix what happened between us I'll call you and stay here until you come back. Okay? I won't let him do anything stupid. I swear to you that he will be safe."

Sora just stared at him, tried to say something… but he hid his face in his hands again instead, groaning as if he was in pain.

But finally he nodded, and he turned around and slowly shuffled out of the room, never looking back.

Kairi and Naminé jumped up and followed him quickly, and Axel could hear their calming, soothing voices from the hallway. Riku glanced at him briefly, then looked at the door again.

"Do you need help?" the silver-haired boy asked quietly, but Axel shook his head.

"No," he replied, and Riku nodded, turned to follow Sora. Axel held him back, smiling at his friend when he looked back at him again. "Thank you."

"It's alright," Riku muttered, looking down. "I know you're scared. God knows I would be too."

"Isn't it disappointing?" Axel mumbled, more to himself than to Riku; he looked down and let his hand slide from Riku's arm. "That I'm such a coward? I probably still wouldn't be here if you hadn't called me…"

"I just tried to do what you would have done," Riku explained calmly, and this time he reached out to touch Axel's shoulder. Axel looked up again surprised; while they were friends and Riku wasn't afraid of being touched by him anymore, he was rarely the one to initiate contact either. "You would have set me straight too if our roles were reversed. I just tried to be as good of a friend as you are for me." Riku smiled, but his eyes remained serious. "You are the brother I always wished I had."

That… was unexpected. Axel was completely at a loss what to say. He knew how much Riku hated such emotional scenes. It meant a lot to him to hear the things Riku had said, but Riku knew he didn't have to say them, because Axel _knew_.

It was a bit odd, to tell the truth. He didn't know how to react. So he just fell back into their old patterns, and he hoped it wouldn't completely ruin the moment for Riku.

"Sap," he exclaimed and smirked. To his relief Riku smirked right back, drawing back his hand.

"Wuss," the silver-haired boy retorted, and he nodded at Axel before he turned around and left.

* * *

Axel wandered through the mansion, turned off all the lights the others had left turned on, to busy himself for a while. He needed to calm down before he went to see Roxas. He knew he was really just trying to buy himself some time, because deep down he feared that Roxas wouldn't want to see him anymore.

He went upstairs, willed himself to stand in front of the door to Roxas' room and reach out for the handle to open it; he let out the breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding when he found it locked. Of course it was. Sora and Riku had told him that already.

So he just slinked downstairs again and left the mansion through the front door. Gazing up to the balcony up there he tried to make out the points he had used to get up there last time. Okay, so Riku had helped him back then a little, but the lower part of the house front was probably the easier part to climb anyway.

With one last sigh he stepped closer to the wall and reached up, his hands finding something to hold onto quickly.

It was easier than he had thought; even though it was dark he could see enough, the moon lighting up his way. Good thing the Haradas seemed to fancy vine plants around the front door and decorative… stuff… all over their house.

He heaved a relieved sigh when his hands finally clutched the railing of the balcony; with a strained hiss he pulled himself up, crouching on the railing and trying to calm his rapid breathing. His heart was beating wildly in his chest, but he guessed there was nothing he could do about that.

He didn't dare to look inside the room already; he needed to calm down first, he couldn't look yet, too early, too early, calm down, calm down…

He slowly lowered himself onto the railing and swung his legs over it, sitting rather uncomfortable, but secure. He searched his pockets; it was an automatic reaction whenever he was nervous, and he pulled out a cigarette and lit it, taking a deep drag.

And then he winced, because he was quite sure Roxas wouldn't like the smell. Well. He needed it to calm down. And it was too late anyway.

He lowered the cigarette, tapping his fingers against his thigh, and he noticed he was swinging his legs back and forth, and back and forth... Crap, how should he do this? He couldn't just go in there and talk, what would he say, what would he do, would Roxas even let him talk, would he just kick him out…?

Staring straight ahead he raised the cigarette to his lips and inhaled once more; then he threw it away, sliding from the railing and standing there for a while before he reached out to open the glass doors.

He quietly entered the dark room. It was very warm in here; warmer than outside, Axel thought. He slid the door shut behind himself, leaning against it for a while. He bit his lip, tried to still the annoying voice in the back of his mind, the one that kept telling him this was a bad idea, the one that wanted him to leave… He kept his eyes fixed to the floor. He could hear quiet, rapid breathing from somewhere in the room, and still he didn't dare to look up.

Okay, this was way harder than he had imagined. He didn't want to look up. He didn't want to be here. He wanted to hold Roxas. He wanted to look into his eyes. His thoughts didn't make any sense at all right now. When he had talked to Sora before it had all been so clear; he would just climb up the balcony and march into Roxas' room, forcing the blond to listen to him… But now he was here, and he didn't think he would be able to form a single coherent sentence.

He sighed; indeed, this was a hard thing to do. He could clearly picture how he would step closer to the bed, where he knew Roxas was; he could see how cold and mistrusting his eyes would look at him. Roxas thought he hated him. He thought…

Oh, he had to fix this somehow. How could he just fuck up that bad? Being so close to Roxas, and yet so far, just listening to his strained, uneven breathing let him forget about the reason for their fight; the letters… the drawings…

He… He had to apologize. The urge to beg for Roxas' forgiveness was almost unbearable; without thinking he stepped forward, keeping his gaze on the floor.

The moonlight gave way to shadows, but Axel didn't mind. He was standing right next to the bed now; his eyes slowly grew accustomed to the dim light, and he could see the dark lump curled up on the sheets; he could make out the outline of a body, and soon he could see…

He didn't know how to react when his eyes finally found Roxas'. He didn't know whether to rush forward and embrace him tight, or to start crying, or to look away, or to say anything, stay still, reach out and touch his face… He just stared for a while, helpless and unsure what to do, and it hit him again just how deeply in love he was with this boy. It didn't even scare him anymore, that he even dared to think about 'love'. The word alone had used to scare him out of his wits not too long ago, but now it just felt so natural to use it to describe his feelings for Roxas… just like it wasn't as terrifying anymore to think of the word 'beautiful' whenever his eyes fell on the small blond. The word alone had used to cause flashbacks, but now… he couldn't hear Kadaj's voice anymore whenever he heard or thought it, but Roxas' voice, so sincere and caring…

He hadn't even realized until now how much he had healed already; only because of Roxas, only because Roxas managed to replace the painful memories with sweet, precious ones.

And he had almost lost that, just because he had been too blind, too angry, too doubtful to see past the letters, the drawings, the lies and the Sunshine-mask; he hadn't been able to see _Roxas_, sweet, caring, insecure and fearful Roxas, who had never been perfect, but perfect for him in every way.

Roxas' eyes were wide; almost shining in the dark even though they seemed not as clear and bright as usual. The moon drained them of their color, but they were still so incredibly gorgeous, they were making Axel's heart leap into his throat, beating rapidly and making it so hard to remember how to breathe. They were wide, scared, anything but cold, but so full of all kinds of emotions; fear, incredulity, and beneath them, a tiny glimmer of hope. Roxas was staring at Axel over the pillow he was hiding behind, so Axel couldn't see his face; but he noticed how badly Roxas was trembling. He was sure he would have seen the trails of the tears Roxas had shed, all alone, in the dark, on his pale cheeks; he would have seen how red his eyes were from the crying, and he knew this boy would still be the most beautiful angel he had ever seen.

He suddenly felt the urge to see Roxas' face, even though he knew it would tear him apart; because Roxas was _scared_ of him, was scared that Axel would hurt him even more. Because Roxas thought Axel _hated_ him.

Axel reached out, closed his hand around the pillow and pulled it away, simply dropping it to the ground; Roxas barely resisted, but curled up a little more, and a soft whimper fell from his parted lips. Axel could only watch as Roxas' expression changed from sad and scared to absolutely terrified; he couldn't really be this scared of Axel, could he?

Oh, but he could… All the things Axel had said, all the things he had done, so cruel, so hurtful… He had forced Roxas to be Sunshine and then had blamed him for it, he had… broken his innocent angel… had left him alone…all alone in the dark, with nothing but the memories of hurtful words and angry accusations… He knew how sensitive Roxas was, how insecure and doubtful, and yet he had been so cruel.

Axel leaned down a little, and when Roxas shied away from him, he mindlessly reached out and grabbed a thin wrist. He could hear Roxas' breathing hitch, then a small whine; he could see how pale he was in the moonlight, as if about to faint. He felt Roxas' hand flinch back and tightened his grip a little; oh, it felt so good just to touch him, even though his soft skin felt too cold to the touch.

His eyes never left Roxas' when he slowly sat down on the bed. Roxas' wrist jerked again in his hand, his face warped into a grimace of pain and fear, and he flinched and sobbed once; the quiet sound made Axel's heart ache, and all the doubts and fears he had vanished at once, giving way to the longing to be near Roxas, as near as he possibly could.

He didn't think as he pulled at Roxas' wrist, as he reached up to close his arms around Roxas' shoulders; the blond felt so cold, so small, so incredibly perfect in his arms, and to feel him struggle against his embrace made Axel want to cry.

But he didn't, but concentrated on holding Roxas tight instead, trying to ignore how small hands tried to shove him away, trying to ignore the scared, choked noises Roxas made; trying not to let the fear that Roxas didn't want him back overpower him. He closed his eyes, just concentrated on feeling Roxas, touching Roxas, being near him…

He couldn't resist running a hand through Roxas' soft, spiky hair. He had missed that feeling; silly, he knew, but the feeling of Roxas' hair between his fingers had a calming effect on him.

He gently pressed Roxas' head against his chest, like he had wanted to do so often during those past days, letting his arm travel down to settle around Roxas' waist, so he could hold him closer, as close as physically possible. His desire for the boy in his arms turned into sheer agony when he felt small hands trying to push him away again; he tightened his hold on Roxas, his mind numbed by the scared, confused, sorrowful thoughts Roxas' struggling caused.

_Don't push me away, please, just let me fix you, let me help, let me hold you…_

He leaned down and brushed his lips over Roxas' temple; he let them linger on the smaller boy's skin for a second before he broke the contact again. So sweet… Roxas tasted so sweet, so intoxicating, so addicting…

Roxas' frantic, defending movements stilled, and he tensed in Axel's arms. Axel knew he was probably going too fast; that he should have waited, should… should have said anything before he did this, but he _couldn't_ wait, and he didn't trust his voice anymore. So he cupped Roxas' chin in his hand and forced the blond to look up; he felt a slight twinge of anger when he realized Roxas' eyes were closed, but it only lasted until he took in all of Roxas' expression; yes, his eyes were closed, his skin still too pale, but his pouty lips were parted in a way that made Axel's breathing speed up and his heart race. So inviting… so innocent… so _pure_…

He heard Roxas gasp, and he knew the boy was still scared, scared of _him_. So, as much as it hurt, he held back a little and didn't kiss him yet; just pressed his mouth against a cold cheek and tasted salty tears. He felt the hands on his shoulders twitch and grip them tighter instead of pushing. It was enough to encourage him to go further.

So he moved slowly, until his mouth hovered over Roxas' trembling lips; he didn't dare to kiss him fully, but only on the corner of his soft lips, and as he had secretly expected, it scared the blond. Too much, too fast… But he couldn't hold back any longer, now that he had gotten a taste of Roxas, he needed to kiss him, needed to show him how much he longed for him; he couldn't say it yet, so he had to do this, to show him, to make him understand how he felt…

He forced Roxas to look at him again, and while his eyes had been open before, he now let them slide shut as he lowered his head again to capture Roxas' trembling, soft lips in a kiss; just a light touching of lips against lips, the most innocent gesture Axel could muster right now, even though he craved to do more, to give his actions more meaning. He knew he couldn't, because it would scare Roxas away for good, so he didn't dare to move, didn't dare to deepen the kiss, but just kept their lips locked. He only dared to let his fingers brush slowly over a flawless forehead, temple, cheek and chin, so completely lost in the feeling of being able to touch, kiss, _love_ Roxas; only when Roxas overcame the shock and flinched back, almost breaking contact, he quickly laid both hands onto Roxas' cold cheeks and held him back, prevented him from ending their kiss.

Oh, he had tried to remember what it had felt like to kiss Roxas; but his memories weren't even nearly accurate, this was so much better, so much more real, so… indescribable. The softness of Roxas' lips, the salty taste of his tears, the warmth that slowly spread inside Axel's body, the way it made his skin tingle and his heart almost forget how to beat; so, so making him crave _more_.

He knew there was a possibility that Roxas would not want him back, but right now, he didn't care. If Roxas didn't reject him, he had to show him he wanted him back; if Roxas did reject him, he had to take this one last chance to memorize the feeling of being… _whole_.

Roxas sighed, or sobbed, Axel wasn't quite sure; he just knew he had to end this, so he broke the kiss, resisting the urge to just lean in and do it again. He was going way too fast. But he couldn't bring himself to distance himself from Roxas; he needed to feel the warmth of his skin and his breath ghosting over his face, so he stayed close, so close it was almost like they were still touching.

He felt how badly Roxas was shaking by now; how tense he was… He knew Roxas was exhausted. He smiled; he knew it would be okay if they talked in the morning, not now. Roxas wasn't in the condition to talk.

"Sleep," he breathed gently, and all of a sudden, as if his words had broken a spell, the smaller boy slumped; he fell against Axel, and the redhead held him close, took the chance to brush his fingers through Roxas' hair again and smiled happily when he heard Roxas sigh softly.

"Sleep," he repeated just as quiet as before, and he couldn't resist the urge to kiss the top of Roxas' head, inhaling the clean scent of his golden hair. "Sleep, my little Sunshine. I'll be here tomorrow."

He knew Roxas fell asleep on him almost instantly, by the way his breathing changed and his whole body relaxed. And his smile turned sadder, because only now he realized what he had called Roxas.

Not Sunshine. Roxas. Not the pretty mask, but the beautiful boy behind it. He would be there for Roxas, not for Sunshine. Never again for Sunshine.

"Goodbye, Sunshine," he whispered, sure that Roxas couldn't hear him anymore. "I hope I won't ever see you again."

* * *

**Author's Notes:** WOAH THERE YOU HAVE IT, IT WASN'T A DREAM! FUCK!

That was supposed to be a joke in the A/N at the end of Chapter 23. God, I never thought anybody would take that seriously. OTL

Well. Ehm. And now, let's patiently wait for Chapter 24. :D

… Well. And then there is something else I would like to get off my chest. Nobody has to read this though, I just feel like rambling a bit after the rant in the last chapter.

Well, all the things I wrote were true. Still, after I posted the chapter and got many reviews and PMs saying that someone feared they were one of those Update Nags and apologized, I realized I had been too harsh. :sigh: I could have put it more nicely. I shouldn't have bitched around like that. _**I apologize**_. Really, I'm sorry if I gave a reviewer the feeling I didn't appreciate their review. I know it's just unfair to expect a detailed and constructive review from everybody, when some people just want to say that they like a story. You don't have to be a literature critic to review. And some writers enjoy simple one-liners too, it's just… Well. I'm a bit complicated. :laughs nervously: So, review like you want to. If you want to.

And one more thing: I'll try to reply more regularly to reviews again. But if I don't reply in less than a week, it means I'm really buried under heaps of paperwork and don't have the time to reply. I hope you understand.


	27. Chapter 24

**Summary:** His life had always been perfect, or at least so Roxas had liked to think. But overcoming his own fears for someone else isn't as easy as it seems. When both his own and his lover's past threatens their unstable relationship, Roxas has to face the truth: His life was far from perfect. But at least it was better than Axel's.

**Warnings: **Hu. Well. There's the unbearable angst. Mentioning of rape and attempted suicide. Oh, and a bit more angst. And... uh...sexual activities between two guys. Frot, to be exact.

Oh, come on! You all know the rating of this story! M = Mature = Not allowed for kiddies younger than 16 years. So, if you _are _younger than 16, stop reading right now! Well, I gave you a fair warning, and now you can go on and ignore it. I believe there are 14-year-olds out there who write more explicit porn than I would ever dare to anyway.

**Pairings:** AkuRoku main, RikuxSora, ZexionxDemyx side pairings. Mentioning of Cleon.

**Disclaimer: **Don't I _wish_!

**Chapter Dedication:** OF COURSE! My amazing beta **kurosora1984**, who somehow manages to reply to my emails at FUCKING LIGHTNING SPEED! Who is the BETTER WRITER, and STILL fawns over me like I'm the fucking Queen of all that is fanfiction! Who owns, uh, half of my fucking SOUL! I love you so much, darling, and I highly doubt I would still be updating anything if it wasn't for you!

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaand I dedicate this to **Kuraieshi/Memorialfire** as well, because her art owns the other half of my soul. Period.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaand also to **Sokken**, for that _**gorgeous**_ piece of fanart - the link to it is in my profile, so please take a look at it and try not to die of sheer _awesome_!

**Thanks to:** Everybody who reviewed, faved, alerted, and read the story so far. Everybody who worried I would not update anymore. Everybody who did not lose faith I _would _update one day. Everybody who still reads this, despite me neglecting the story for... what? One and a half year? (I do not count the Interludes, because nothing actually new happened in those.) Many readers probably gave up already, but thank you to everyone who did not and is now reading this.

Shoo! Read! You waited damn long enough!

* * *

**Perfect Match – Chapter 24**

"Unnnngh…"

Oh God… Too bright, too bright, the light, it burned even through Roxas' closed eyelids, like acid etching its way through his brain. He groaned again, tried to move, but his arms and legs were tangled up in the sheets. His eyes fluttered open, but he quickly closed them again when bright sunlight almost blinded him.

He ripped his hands free and covered his eyes, moaning as a horrible headache attacked him without a warning. It felt like a red-hot pole was being driven through his skull, right behind his eyes, and instinctively Roxas tried to curl up, rolling onto his side.

Stiffly he reached down and untangled the sheets around his legs, shoving them off the bed. He turned his head to the side, buried his face halfway in the pillow. Still shielding his eyes with one hand he opened them again, groaning softly when the bright light inside his room caused his headache to recur with full force. Trying to calm his breathing he bit his lip, glancing around the room.

Nothing out of the ordinary. It was just a bit strange to see his room in bright daylight when everything should have looked gloomy and gray, and full of whispering shadows. Everything _did_ look a bit fuzzy, but that could have been because he had just woken up. How long had he slept anyway? What _day_ was it?

He closed his eyes again and sighed, rubbing the side of his face against the pillow… mmmm, so soft and inviting, luring him into a light slumber once more, smelling so sweet of cinnam-…

_Wait a second!_

That scent! The scent that was clinging to the fabric beneath his head, sweet and spicy and so familiar… He knew that scent! Cinnamon and caramel, a bit like burnt sugar…

He shot up with a loud scream, which turned into a pained groan when his head protested against the sudden movement with a throbbing ache. Ugh. Even his eyes felt like they were _pulsating_.

Oh God… Why did his head _hurt_ so much? Probably because of all the crying and screaming he had done… Come to think of it, his throat was feeling quite raw too. Heh. He had probably overdone it a little.

His eyes were still squeezed shut, his hands were still buried in his hair, and even though the pain lessened after a while, he didn't want to open his eyes anymore.

He remembered… He remembered his dream, his wonderful, horrible dream, in which Axel had come to rescue him, had called him 'Sunshine'… He remembered it so clearly as if it had been real, but if he opened his eyes now… If he opened his eyes and nobody was inside his room… If he opened his eyes and realized the faint scent that had woken him so effectively just had been a remainder of his maddening, agonizing dreams, he would probably go crazy.

He wanted to go back to sleep, he wanted to dream again… he wanted to dream again and never wake up. But he was wide awake now, he knew. He couldn't escape reality any longer. With a deep sigh he let his hands drop to his lap, staring down at them for a moment longer. Just a minute longer. He didn't want to look up and see his cold, empty room yet…

He looked up slowly, feeling his heartbeat speed up slightly. Stupid, useless thing. Why was it beating faster? He _knew_ Axel wouldn't really be there. And really, when he finally dared to open his eyes and look around his room properly, it was empty. No sign of Axel anywhere. His only company were the faceless creatures on the wall, frozen in time while jumping from shelf to shelf. Roxas shivered when his eyes fell on them and quickly looked away.

He sighed and laid his head back, stared up to the ceiling while his cold hands started to rub his arms. It was supposed to be a soothing, calming gesture, but almost instantly he felt tears burn behind his eyes. Because the hands caressing him were not supposed to be his own, but slightly thinner, warmer ones, and a gentle voice should whisper to him; that Axel forgave him, that Axel would stay with him, that Axel loved him… Just like in his dream, his vision, whatever it had been.

Only then a tiny little detail decided to settle inside his mind. A detail he had overlooked when his tired eyes had roamed his empty room.

Shoes. Shoes standing right next to his couch near the window. Very familiar, heavy looking leather boots, which definitely didn't belong to him. And a dark green, hooded jacket, thrown over the backrest of the couch and seemingly forgotten there, just as familiar as those shoes and yet not belonging in his room. He didn't wear jackets like this one; thin, long-sleeved shirts or sweaters or hoodies and sleeveless vests at the most, because the weather on Destiny Islands was very warm at this time of year already, and didn't get cold in winter at all. And green wasn't his color anyway. But he knew someone… someone who liked leather boots and didn't seem to mind warm clothing, someone who made the color green so painfully _irresistible_…

Roxas' head whipped around, and all he could see was dull black and dark green… before the next detail decided to punch him in the face.

Red. Something red. Outside the glass doors. The sheer, see-through drapes next to the glass doors were moving ever so slightly, swaying gently because the doors were open, only a little, only a crack; they always were, because Roxas never thought that anyone could get into his room this way, no-one would be crazy enough to climb the house just to get into his room… right?

Oh, but he knew one person who already had proven his insanity once, who had climbed the house just to get to him, to Roxas; the same person who liked heavy boots and too warm clothes and who made the color green the most desirable color there was, because green was the color of his beautiful, beautiful eyes, those eyes that had looked at Roxas so tenderly once... Mere days ago, an eternity ago, it didn't make a difference to Roxas anymore, because there was no way the owner of those gorgeous eyes would ever look at him like that again.

But now… He could see something red outside, on his balcony. Balcony. The one Axel had climbed up to get to him once, _weeks_ ago, and again in his dream the night before. And now there was something red, unnaturally red, _fire-engine red_, he could see it, even if barely within his range of vision…

His eyes wandered up, and he couldn't stop them from doing so.

They met bright emerald green, and Roxas felt all blood drain from his face.

Axel was sitting on the railing, pale and beautiful as ever; every red strand of hair, every angle of his face, the black upside-down teardrops under his eyes were just like Roxas remembered, but his bright eyes seemed dull, slightly reddened, and so, _so_ tired. He was obviously watching Roxas; his face was blank, disinterested almost, when he raised his hand to his lips to take a drag from the cigarette he was holding between two long fingers. When he realized Roxas had noticed him he smiled; a thin, wary smile, sad and melancholic, but a smile nonetheless. But his smile was so wistful, and his eyes were so _jaded_, and they would never be filled with love and happiness again, and it was Roxas' fault, his fault, his fault…

"Oh God…" Roxas groaned, wincing when his own, raspy voice reached his ears. No, no, nononono, this wasn't supposed to happen! Axel… Axel couldn't be here!

Was he still dreaming? Was this a _nightmare_? It had to be, it _had_ to; it had to be if he wanted to stay sane, it had to be a nightmare, and he wanted to wake up so badly, and when he woke up, his room _would_ be empty, just like it was supposed to be!

Axel slowly slid from the railing and flicked the cigarette away, never breaking eye-contact. He only looked down when he opened the glass doors to slink into the room, turning around to close them and resting his forehead against the glass with a quiet sigh.

Roxas quickly crawled back as far as he could, whining softly when he felt his back bump against the headboard of his bed. He couldn't take his eyes off Axel, who slowly turned his head to glance at him when he heard Roxas move; he wanted to, oh how much he wanted to just look _away_, but his eyes just wouldn't _move_. Nightmare, nightmare, it had to be a nightmare, yes, because he had no control whatsoever over his scratchy, burning eyes.

"You're not real!" Roxas rasped out, fisting both hands in his sheets. "You're not real! I'm dreaming! You're not him! You're not _here_!"

A frown slowly made its way to Axel's face, and only now Roxas managed to tear his gaze away from the terrifying, gorgeous vision of the boy Roxas had loved so much; the boy who had been his boyfriend, who had trusted him, who _loathed_ him now. He looked down, curled up on the bed and raised his hands to lay them around his torso; he felt his whole body starting to shiver and his mouth run dry, as panic suddenly clutched his fast beating heart in an icy grip.

"You're not here," Roxas repeated, clearly hearing the note of hysteria in his voice, but in no condition to care about it. "I'm dreaming! He's not here, you're not real! You're just a _nightmare_!"

No, no more nightmares, he couldn't stand more nightmares… The young man standing over there had to be a dream, an illusion his mind had made up to hurt him even more, because he _deserved_ to be hurt, deserved to be hurt so much _more_, because he was filthy, dirty, a liar, a cheater, a monster…

"Roxas," Axel said; _God_, even his voice sounded real and so wonderful in Roxas' ears, but it wasn't real, _he_ wasn't real, Axel was _not_…

"Go away!" he shouted, pressing his hands against his ears and squeezing his eyes shut; he didn't want to hear it, he didn't want to see it, no more nightmares, no more, no more…

He screamed when a hand grabbed his wrist and pulled it away rather roughly; he screamed and pulled back, but the firm grip around his arm only tightened.

"Go _away_!" he yelled shrilly, tried to break free, tried to fight against the nightmare.

"Stop it, Roxas!" the voice, Axel's voice, Axel's beautiful voice exclaimed loudly; he sounded angry, Roxas noted, and he screamed again, scared out of his mind.

He couldn't take more nightmares… He couldn't take more heartbreak… He couldn't take Axel looking at him again, so hurt, so betrayed, so _disgusted_…

"_Who are you?"_

"_I'm so goddamn tired of your fucking lies!"_

"_I trusted you!"_

He ignored the searing pain in his throat and cried out again, blindly trying to struggle against this… this _thing_ holding him; he kicked at it and felt it block his legs quickly, a hand now closing around his ankle too, and he raised his free hand and lashed out at it, feeling his hand hit… something. He hit it again, felt it let go of his wrist and ankle, and now used both hands to fight; he heard it curse loudly and felt it block his weak, undirected punches and shoves with an arm while moving forward, straddling his legs to keep him from kicking again, and he felt another hand grab his shoulder.

He opened his eyes, stared into wide, surprised, green ones, and for a moment he was stunned, too stunned to move, too stunned to think; he could only… only admire that beautiful shade of green, never minding the slight redness that marred the surrounding white; the perfect almond-shape of those eyes, not even noticing the dark shadows beneath them; and how bright they seemed against those exceptionally dark lashes, which didn't seem to match the uncommon brightness of their owner's hair.

His flat hand connected with warm skin. Roxas still was too dazed to think properly, but his body reacted on its own, instinctively. The sound of his hand slapping against ivory skin was sickening, but Roxas was even more shocked at the feeling; his hand stung, and his wrist hurt a little where a warm hand had held it before. He shouldn't be able to feel this if it was a dream.

Axel's head was jerked to the side, eyes still wide and a pale cheek reddening already. But he quickly regained his composure, and turned his head to glare at Roxas again, beautiful eyes narrowing and thin, pale lips drawn downwards in an angry scowl.

"That's _it_," the redhead snarled, and at the threatening tone in his voice Roxas automatically raised his hands to protect himself, cowering behind his arms. He was shaking by now, frightened way beyond the point of being able to actually differ between nightmare and reality. By now neither of them seemed _not_ to be hurtful anyway.

But Roxas just felt the redhead crawl back, and then his bed move as if someone had gotten up from it. And then he heard quick footsteps, a door being ripped open and slammed closed again with a loud bang.

Roxas' hectic pants were involuntarily replaced by frantic gasps, and he curled up and held his head with both hands; it hurt even more now, and fresh tears started to leak from his already burning eyes.

He was sobbing loudly, eyes closed, and never heard the door open again. Only when strong, lanky arms roughly pulled him off the bed and against a lean chest he noticed Axel had returned; but the redhead's hands were cold now, and wet, and Roxas tried to struggle against his hold again.

"G-Go away!" he all but shrieked hysterically, but Axel simply yanked him forward with shocking callousness, ignoring Roxas' shaking hands clawing at his thin arms and hands, and dragged him out of the room. Roxas' sobs and screams turned into desperate, pleading whimpers. He stumbled after Axel on unsteady, shaking legs, tried to grab the bedpost, a dresser, the door frame; but he never could get a firm grip on either of those, and Axel's hand around his arm pulled him out of his room, his sanctuary, without mercy.

Roxas twisted and pulled and tried to loosen the unrelenting grip around his arm, but his futile struggling only caused slender digits to dig deeper into his flesh. He cried out in pain, tried to rip his arm out of the hand clutching it so painfully, and this time he felt the grip loosen slightly, he turned around and…

"Oh no, you won't!" a voice hissed right next to his ear, and he was yanked back roughly, fell against the deceivingly warm body behind him.

"Let me go!" he pleaded, hysteria and fear fogging his brain. "Go away! Le-… You're not…"

"Just _shut the fuck up_, Roxas!" the voice yelled, and Roxas' struggling ceased. He knew the voice belonged to his nightmare, he knew it wasn't real, and yet he couldn't stand the anger and frustration in it… He was turned around by the hand on his shoulder, and when his eyes met flashing green, he couldn't look away, and this time he couldn't even raise his hands to defend himself.

His legs almost gave out under him, but strong arms caught him and swiftly lifted him off the ground. He didn't know where Axel was carrying him, because he couldn't tear his eyes away from those terrifying, gorgeous green eyes for an eternity. He raised a hand to touch Axel's face, but never dared to do it, paralyzed by the nightmare's angered glare. He gasped for air, he didn't register how blurry his vision had become; he heard his broken voice stammering hysterically, heard himself plead for Axel to go away, heard himself beg the redhead to leave him, but Axel just looked up and shifted him in his arms, kicking a door open.

"You're not real," Roxas whimpered again, and suddenly arched his back, almost making Axel drop him. The redhead muttered a string of very creative curses, but only gripped him tighter. "You're not real!" Roxas repeated louder, never noticing the shrill, hysteric tone in his own voice, and tried to punch Axel's shoulder again. "He hates me! Go away!"

Axel wordlessly dropped him. Roxas screamed loudly as he fell… into cold, cold, icy cold water.

Only now he realized water was running; he heard a splash, and he was immersed in cold, so unbelievably cold water for a moment before he shot up again, gasping for sweet air only to scream again, this time out of shock.

"Still think this is a dream?" Axel asked from somewhere above him, leaning against the tiled wall, arms crossed in front of his chest, staring down at Roxas pointedly cool.

Roxas slumped, drenched and wide awake and freezing. Axel had obviously dropped him into the bathtub in his own bathroom, and cold water was still raining down at him. The water was so cold, there was no way he could still dream…

He gasped once, feeling his chest constrict ever so strangely; if this wasn't a dream, then…

"Oh God, no…" he whimpered and raised his shaking hands to hide his face in them. If this wasn't a dream, Axel was really here… But why? He couldn't see him again already; the pain was still too fresh…

His breath came in harsh, jerky gasps as he was sitting in cold water, drawing his knees up and curling up, cursing himself for being so stupid. Had he thought he would escape Axel forever? Of course the redhead would come after him; to set things straight, to end their… their relationship once and for all…

Completely drained and weakened by the struggling and fighting before, he fell to the side, clutching the wet, slippery rim of the bathtub and lowering his head until his forehead rested on his cold hands. He more felt than heard Axel step closer, and the water stopped; Roxas sniffed once more, and he never wanted to look up again.

He heard quiet rustling of clothes, and then a gentle hand touched his head, long fingers combing through his hair. Roxas knew it was supposed to be calming, but for some reason, this small touch made his heart sink even more. He uttered a choked sob and turned his head to the side, away from where he knew Axel was sitting on the tiled floor now.

"Roxas…" Axel said very quiet, very gentle. "Look at me, please."

Roxas shook his head, sniffling quietly.

"We have to talk, Roxas," Axel tried to get him talk again. "Look at me."

"Go away," Roxas whispered helplessly. "I can't take you breaking up with me right now. Just… give me one day or two."

"Roxas…"

"I… I'll let you b-break up with me in front of the whole s-school if you want, I promise, just…"

"_Roxas…_"

"_You hate me_!" Roxas loathed the gentleness in Axel's voice, because he knew it had to be a cruel joke. But at the same time his heart longed to hear it again. He wanted to feel the warmth Axel always seemed to radiate, but he didn't dare to move even one inch closer to the other boy. He wanted to look at Axel, but turned his head to the other side instead. One look into those gorgeous eyes and he would be lost; and he couldn't risk to fall for Axel's bittersweet lies. His heart was shattered enough as it was.

There was a short moment of silence, only interrupted by the quiet plashing of water every time another silent sob ripped itself out of Roxas' tight chest. He was getting really cold, but right now he didn't care. Axel was really here, Axel wanted to talk to him… but he was too tired, too upset to talk.

"You just _have_ to make this even more difficult for me, don't you," Axel said, and Roxas flinched at the strange undertone in Axel's terribly calm voice. The gentleness was gone; it seemed like Axel had decided to drop the act, and it hurt more than Roxas had expected. Not only in a figurative sense, as in the infamous metaphorical stab to the heart; Roxas felt real, physical pain, a sharp, searing clenching of his insides at the eerie tranquility Axel displayed in a situation like this. This was way worse than the fight they had had at school, after Axel had found Roxas with Demyx; worse even than the confrontation in the classroom. It was worse in a way Roxas couldn't describe, because Axel was here, ready to talk, even though Roxas was not, not ready yet, but Axel was not yelling or arguing, as if he…

Again there was the quiet sound of fabric brushing against skin, and suddenly thin arms encircled Roxas' body and pulled him up, out of the cold, cold water, interrupting his confused thoughts; Roxas was even too drained to resist or cry out in surprise, he could only cling to Axel weakly as the redhead pulled him out of the bathtub and onto the floor with him. He flopped down next to Axel, stiffening when he was pulled into an unexpected embrace, but never resisting; he allowed Axel to hug him, savored the feeling of the other boy's body heat and the contact between his shivering body and Axel's; he let his head be rested on a strong shoulder, long fingers weaving through his wet hair to guide him, even though the warmth and the feeling and the slight scent of cigarettes and caramel made tears well up in his eyes. They didn't fall though. Not yet, at least.

For a while everything was silent. Then Roxas felt Axel sigh and rest his chin on top of Roxas' head.

"My name is Akuseru Kouen," the redhead suddenly said, and Roxas froze. _What the…_ "I'm eighteen, Scorpio, I like fire and I don't like it when people try to ask me about my past. I… can be an ignorant jerk at times, and I'm a hothead, and I'm overprotective and easily offended. I was born in Hollow Bastion and lived there most of my life in an orphanage in the Southern Districts…"

"Axel…" Roxas whispered, but Axel ignored him.

"I don't like my name," the redhead continued, and when Roxas tried to move, to look up, to ask what Axel was trying to say, Axel's arms suddenly tightened around his shoulders and waist, effectively trapping Roxas and rendering him speechless due to the sheer feeling of so much physical contact. "It was my father's name, not mine. My parents always called me Axel. They died in a car crash when I was four, along with my newborn sister."

"What…" Roxas breathed confused and tried to look up again; but Axel's hand reached up, buried itself in Roxas' golden hair and forced him to keep his head down, pressed against a strong shoulder… that was slightly shaking, as well as the hand on his head, Roxas noticed. What the hell was Axel doing?

"I came out of the crash almost unharmed." Axel's usually so smooth voice was trembling now; it also sounded a bit hoarse, and the words left Axel's mouth only very, very slow. "I was brought to the orphanage where I spent most of my life. When I was six I was beaten up by the other kids so badly I had to be brought to a hospital for the first of many times. When I was ten, the only person I looked up to left the orphanage. When I was fourteen, I realized I was different from the other kids, even more so than before… because I realized I liked boys, not girls. That's something you really should not show when all the other children already think you're a no-good, weird-looking, pyromaniac _freak_." Axel paused for a moment, and again Roxas tried to struggle against his hold. It was no use. He was too weak, too surprised, and Axel didn't seem to intend to let him go yet. "When I was almost seventeen," Axel went on, and now his voice sounded strange; darker than before, and at the same time suddenly eerily calm, so calm and distant Roxas couldn't help but shiver. "I was kidnapped by psychopaths. After I was rescued, I tried to kill myself."

"Axel… please stop, please…" Roxas begged, uselessly trying to free himself again. He didn't understand what Axel was doing, or why he was doing it, what he tried to explain; but all this, Axel holding him and telling him those things, the whole situation seemed so surreal, and it frightened Roxas. "Please, what are you…"

"I was having flashbacks all the time," Axel interrupted him, ignoring Roxas' struggling, just raising his impassive voice to drown Roxas' confused pleas for him to stop. "They tried to explain it to me… That I was suffering a massive trauma, that the flashbacks would go away if I allowed somebody to help me, but I was never good at accepting help, and my mental condition got worse… It was like Kadaj was with me all the time, it was like… like he was watching me." Roxas blanched at the mad amusement that suddenly crept into Axel's voice; the quiet chuckle that followed his words made Roxas want to rip his ears off, so he would never have to hear this insincere, distressing sound again. "When I was awake, I feared he would come for me, and when I fell asleep I dreamt about him. He just didn't _leave_! I couldn't take it anymore. I felt so worthless and _filthy_; you can't imagine how fucking awful it felt… I told my friends that I had done it while experiencing one. A flashback, I mean. Of course they believed me, but the truth is… I did it during one of my rare clear moments. I lied to them, like so many times. I was in my right mind when I did it, more or less, but my hands wouldn't stop shaking, I could barely hold the razor. I was even disgusted by the blood that came out of the wound, you know? Because I couldn't stop thinking that the bastard who had taken residence in my nightmares would love the sight of blood on my skin. He loved to make me bleed… just little cuts or bites, not too deep, because he didn't want to leave scars, but he got some sick kick out of making me bleed… He often 'forgot' to use lube when he…"

"Oh God, stop it!" Roxas cried desperately, finally finding the strength to break free; he crawled back a little, turned around, tried to get away from Axel, but soon found himself held back again. He grabbed hold of the skinny arm encircling his shoulders, his fingers digging into the flesh, and he felt it tremble slightly. "Why, why are y-you d-doing this…"

"Here," Axel snarled harshly and held his other arm in front of Roxas' face. Roxas tried to look away, but the arm around his shoulders quickly moved, a warm hand cupping his cheek and turning his head around again without mercy. "Here, do you see it?" The hand was removed from his face, pushed the rolled up sleeve further up the arm instead. A thin finger brushed over pale skin, and only now Roxas noticed the almost invisible line, a scar, running over the whole length of the inside of Axel's left wrist. Why had he never noticed it before?

"I slit my wrist like some fucking emo-kid," Axel hissed into his ear, and Roxas closed his eyes, throwing his hands over his face and trying to calm his erratic breathing. Why was Axel doing this? Oh God, he didn't want to think about it, he didn't, he couldn't… But it was too late, he could see it, the blood on a silver blade, on pristinely white tiles, the crying boy slitting his wrist, his beautiful face a mask of disgust, green eyes clouded with insanity; he could feel the pain, could smell the blood, the blood, so red, so red on white, white skin… "I never thought about my friends. Only when Riku found me, I realized they still needed me to fight. They needed me to get better, so they could get better as well. They… needed me to at least _try_." Roxas felt Axel rest his forehead on Roxas' shoulder, heard the redhead sigh quietly. "So I started to scream, acted like I thought not Riku was holding me but his brother, that sick fuck. I simulated a flashback for Riku, because I knew… he would _break_ if he knew I was doing this willingly. That I was willing to leave them alone. And the way he looked at me… it made me realize he blamed himself for this, he was so hurt, he felt so guilty, and I promised myself that my friends would _never_ have to see me like this again. I promised myself that I would be strong enough to hide my fear for their sake. I… I lied to them. It became a habit to lie. And I don't think I'll ever get rid of that habit. I will always try to make them think I'm alright, because if they could see how fucked up I still am, they would only blame themselves. They would think they should have done more to help me, even though _nothing_ they could have done would have helped me, because I wasn't ready to accept help… If they knew, it would only hinder their own recovery… They are doing so _well_ now, I can't let them know. I can never tell them. It's like a curse…"

"Why are you telling me this?" Roxas whispered, falling back against Axel limply. Why fight? He wasn't going to get out of this. Axel wouldn't let him. If he ran away, Axel would follow him. Axel needed him to hear this, but Roxas didn't understand _why_.

"Because… Because I need _someone_ to know about… everything. And you… you are the only one I can tell," Axel answered, and Roxas' eyes flew open. He stared up to the ceiling, stunned into silence. "And now tell me you love me again."

Roxas' heart stopped beating for a moment.

"Wha-… What?" he finally managed to stutter. The sudden change of topic caught him completely off-guard, and it took him a few moments to grasp the meaning of Axel's last words. When he had finally caught on, he felt his insides clench as an icy feeling of dread settled inside his stomach. His hands grew cold, even colder than they already were, and he just couldn't keep his own body from shaking badly anymore. And when he opened his mouth to repeat his bewildered question, he could not believe that the shrill, panicked voice coming out of his mouth really did belong to him. "_What?_"

"Now you know what a freak I am," Axel hissed sharply. "Now you know I'm a no-good, emotionally defective, lying _monstrosity_. I'm _broken_, Roxas, I'm broken and dirty and _weak_. I lie about my condition, even though I know that everyone I allow to come close to me can see how weak I am. I lie to my friends, I lie to everybody, because I can't let them see _me_. I try to act confident, like I don't give a fuck about people staring at me when I really want to freak out whenever I notice people looking in my direction. I try to forget that I'm not normal, I try to be independent and strong, and I try to take care of my friends, when I'm really scared of being alone and so _weak_ and need someone else to take care of me..."

Roxas didn't understand. He didn't understand what was happening here. He didn't understand why Axel told him all these things. He didn't understand one single word the redhead was saying! W-… Why did Axel have to be so _confusing_?

"You know more about me now than anybody else ever will," the redhead continued hoarsely, still clutching Roxas' arms tightly, as if he was afraid of letting go. "Not even Demyx knows about my sister. Riku doesn't know that there was no flashback when I tried to kill myself. But you know, because you deserve to know after you worked up the courage to tell me about your… experiments. _Tell me you still love me_." His voice was shaking now, and it made Roxas turn around, even though he was terrified of what he would see. But it was inescapable; the urge to look Axel in the eye and see how troubled the redhead was, the urge to keep Axel from telling him all those horrible things, so overpowering… Axel's hands weakly slid down Roxas' body, only to crawl up his own arms in an awkward self-hug. Roxas stared into jaded green eyes, mortified to see the tears in them.

"After all the things I did, after everything I _said_," Axel continued in a choked whisper, "After I told you I trusted you so often, only to turn on you when people I don't even know told me things about you… After I forced you to play Sunshine for me… After I was too weak to cope with things you did in the past, now tell me you _still_ love me."

"But… Axel, I…" Roxas started hesitantly, only to be interrupted again. A slightly hysteric, crazy sounding giggle spilled from Axel's suddenly grinning lips, and his eyes took on a frightening glint. Roxas knew he _should_ have been frightened; he knew what Axel was capable of when he was in a fragile state of mind like this. He should have been frightened; after Axel had treated him so roughly, after Axel had willingly told him about his past and his bad condition, he should have been _terrified_, because he knew what could happen. And really, his hands instinctively reached up to touch his throat, trying to dispel the feel of delicate hands squeezing his neck.

But instead of touching his throat he grazed his dry lips with cold fingers, and instead of thinking about those hands squeezing his life out of him he was reminded of gentle kisses and tender little touches and smiles. He didn't know if it had been a dream last night, when Axel had kissed him and had rescued him from the shadows, but the longer he watched Axel chuckling away hysterically, the surer he was that he didn't have a reason to be scared. Axel wouldn't hurt him, not this time, not even when his memories would overtake him completely. He was here to help, even though it was obvious that he needed help himself. It was hurting Roxas to listen to Axel's crazed snickering, and it hurt him to see the hopeless, desperate grin disfiguring his handsome features. It hurt so much he had to grab his shirt right over his heavily thudding heart, but it didn't scare him the slightest.

"You can't…" Axel whispered, still smirking mirthlessly. "You can't say it anymore, can you?" He threw his head back and laughed loudly, and it caused Roxas to shiver. It sounded so hollow, so unlike every laugh Roxas had ever heard. He couldn't distinguish even the slightest trace of amusement in it. No, it was painful, repulsive, hurt, and full of self-loathing. "I knew it! I knew you wouldn't…"

"I love you," Roxas yelled on top of his lungs, and he ignored how much it still hurt. His throat was still raw, his eyes were still burning, his head was _killing_ him, but he needed to say it, needed to shout it out loud, because Axel needed to hear it so badly, because he had to convince Axel that he really, _really_ meant what he said. His frantic love declaration ended the faked laughter instantly. "Stop doing this! Axel, I love you, I… Oh God, you had every right to act like you did…"

He expected more laughing, or screaming, even crying; he even braced himself for a flashback, silently praying that he would really be able to stop it from happening… Well, if he wasn't, he probably wouldn't keep Axel from hurting him anyway. He suddenly felt so tired, so _drained_…

He really thought Axel would refuse to believe him and try to make him take it back. Axel was too upset to hear those words from him, or at least so Roxas thought. Oh, it would have been easier if Axel had just accused him of being the hideous, foul creature he was, but this… It sounded like Axel thought _he_ was to blame for their fight; that _he_ was the monster, when really it had been nothing but Roxas' cowardice that had broken the fragile bond they had shared. Too many people had been too cruel to Axel in his young life, it had been the only way for him to react to Roxas' treachery.

Roxas had been one of those people, and he loathed himself for it. He had hurt this beautiful, proud young man as well, when he should have protected him somehow; he was the reason the boy he loved so dearly was sitting on the wet floor right before him now, so hurt, so broken and sad, and so desperate, so bitter and yet still so lovely in Roxas' eyes.

Roxas flinched back when a slender hand was outstretched in his direction, when warm fingers briefly grazed his cold cheek; he gasped and closed his eyes, fully expecting to be hit. He expected to be hurt, to be punished for being one of those abhorrent monstrosities who had turned Axel's life into a living hell, and he decided not to fight back. He would welcome his punishment. He would _savor_ it, because it was all he deserved.

But instead he was pulled into a warm embrace, and he felt Axel press his forehead against Roxas' shoulder. He didn't dare to move; tensing up he held his breath, feeling so cold, and yet so warm where Axel's shivering arms lay around his shoulders. He listened to Axel's slow, labored breathing, the only sound in the cold bathroom next to the loud, erratic heartbeat pounding in Roxas' ears.

"I had no right," the redhead suddenly muttered against his shoulder, breaking the silence. "No, I had no right to treat you like this. Could… could you say it again? Please?"

Roxas exhaled slowly, feeling confused beyond words. No, no, this was definitely not the reaction he had expected. Where was the… the _hate_? The disgust? Where were the _reproaches_? There was sadness in Axel's voice; tension and strain, maybe, but not even the slightest trace of an accusation.

"I love you," he still repeated quietly, cringing at the silent, pained groan he could hear the redhead letting out. Anything, anything to make Axel feel better… He would say anything to keep Axel from blaming himself…

"How can you still say that? After all the… all the things I said…" Axel asked, his voice shaking just as much as his hands, which fisted in the thin, wet fabric of Roxas' vest.

"I… I understand why you said what you said," Roxas replied, feeling his heart beat faster when he raised his own hands to run them through Axel's red hair. It amazed him every time how unbelievably soft it felt… And Axel didn't refuse his touch, didn't even flinch; and this fact made Roxas' heart ache with longing and hope. How foolish. "You… You never had a chance to get to know me. I was so… weak… You…" Roxas sniffed quietly, sadly gazing down, taking in the slight tremor in Axel's hunched shoulders. "You saw such a… perfect person in me, and I wanted to be that person for you, I really wanted to. So I couldn't tell you about my… experiments. You have to hate me. You have to be… disgusted, now that you know…" Oh, but even though he knew Axel would come to realize that he had to hate Roxas every moment now, he couldn't resist touching the redhead… He had missed it, had missed the warmth and the shy, cautious intimacy between them. His hand combed through scarlet spikes again, repeating the motion over and over, and he felt the older boy sigh against his shoulder. Closing his eyes, Roxas finally laid both his arms around Axel's head and buried his face in his soft hair, taking in its sweet and spicy scent.

He tried to say more; he tried to apologize, he tried to explain to Axel why he shouldn't be here, why Roxas wasn't worth the trouble of coming here and climbing up balconies and getting slapped and screamed at in a fit of hysteria on Roxas' part. He tried to explain why Axel was too precious for someone as filthy and faulty as Roxas. But the words were forgotten when he felt Axel turn his head and warm lips touch the sensitive skin on Roxas' throat.

His breath caught in his suddenly tight throat, but it hadn't been just his imagination; again he felt the same, fleeting touch on his skin, and this time a small sigh escaped from his lips as his eyelids fluttered closed.

"No," he heard Axel whisper, and he felt every word the redhead said, lips brushing and warm breath ghosting over his skin. "I could never hate you." He kissed Roxas' sensitive neck again, warm lips lingering a split second longer than before. "Say it again, _please_…"

"I love you," Roxas said without hesitation, slowly opening his eyes and watching his breath ruffling bright red hair without actually seeing anything. He was rewarded with another kiss, right below his ear this time, and one slender hand let go of his vest to cup his cheek. His skin felt uncomfortably hot all of sudden; he shivered, and he wished his cold, wet clothes were gone.

"Say my name when you say it," Axel pleaded, forcing Roxas to look at him now. Roxas almost forgot to breathe when his eyes locked with emerald green ones. Oh, he just needed to lean forward a little, and he would kiss Axel…

But he held back, dazed and intoxicated by the closeness, by the warmth seeping through his cold clothes where their bodies touched; by the faint scent of cinnamon and caramel and smoke, by the feeling of soft, red hair beneath his hands, by the warm hand on his cheek, long fingers gently caressing his skin…

"I love you, Axel," he muttered shakily, and he meant the words with all of his blemished heart. He couldn't take his eyes off Axel's, which appeared a shade darker than before all of a sudden. He barely noticed the crooked, anxious smile stretching thin lips, but he _did_ notice how the redhead leaned forward slightly. Oh boy, did he notice! Axel's slightly parted, so unbelievably _tantalizing_ lips were only a fraction of a hair away it seemed…

"God, Roxas… You have no idea what you're doing to me," Axel murmured, and Roxas could _feel_ the words rather than hear them. His heart was hammering inside his chest by now, and he waited with bated breath for something to happen; he felt hot and cold and wonderful and _God_, why wouldn't Axel kiss him already? Was he trying to drive Roxas insane?

But then their mouths touched, just the slightest brushing of lips against lips, and it was enough to cause both boys to moan softly as jolts of electricity shot down their spines, and while the night before Roxas had believed it to be a dream, now he _knew_ it was real; the beautiful young man kissing him, applying just a little more pressure as he kissed Roxas again, was real; the warm hands holding his head to keep him from disturbing the tender, affectionate exchange of sweetest caresses were real; the strong, lithe body beneath Roxas' hands as he let them slide down was real; the delicious shiver that ran through Axel's slender frame when Roxas' hands fisted around the fabric of the older boy's shirt was real; and oh, _oh_, those lips, those sweet and spicy tasting, slowly moving, sensual lips were real, so real, _so real_.

"Roxas," Axel said when he broke their kiss after what seemed like an eternity, so very, very quiet, as if he was scared of breaking the silence. "Don't ever hide yourself behind _Sunshine _again. Promise me you won't."

"I won't…" Roxas replied helplessly; he was in no condition to deny Axel anything. He didn't understand Axel's strange request, but he just couldn't refuse; not after being kissed like this, not when Axel was still so torturously close, not when he was so _real_… Despite the letters, despite everything, he was here and he… he wasn't mad at Roxas? He didn't hate Roxas?

"You… You are really here…" he whispered awestruck, cursing himself for being unable to resist the overwhelming hope that was drowning all rationality. "I thought…"

"I know…" Axel sighed and rested his head on Roxas' shoulder once more. Strands of his soft, red hair tickled Roxas' skin, and Roxas couldn't help a small sigh that fell from his lips. "I'm sorry. I should… I should never have believed those people."

"But…" Roxas felt his shy, wary smile vanish from his face, and the hope he had felt turned into white-hot anguish, cutting off his air and making his voice sound choked, _desperate_. "But they were right. It was true. What they wrote was _true_…"

"Oh come _on_, not even _half_ of it was true. They never saw you like I see you. They never saw you smile like I did, and they never saw you being afraid, and… and you never told them what you told me. And, _fuck_, I don't _care_ about them," Axel replied heatedly, and Roxas wished so desperately he could believe his words. "I don't even know them. I shouldn't have listened to them. They almost took away the only good thing that ever happened in my fucked up life…" Axel sighed again. "I always told you I trusted you, but I was so willing to trust them rather than you… Just because I was feeling insecure and secretly feared that what happened between us was too good to be true. _Nothing_ good ever happens to me, you know…"

"I'm sorry…" Roxas whispered and looked away. He closed his eyes when Axel gently forced him to look at him again.

"Don't be," Axel said. "I don't care about what you did in the past. I never should have. I forced you to be perfect, and it took me some time to realize you are not…" Now Roxas opened his eyes again, and he saw that Axel was smiling at him. _Smiling_. Why was he _smiling_? What was there to _smile_ about? He had just said it: Roxas wasn't perfect, Roxas wasn't the person Axel needed… Why was he so _confusing_?

"I'm sor-…" he tried again, feeling all choked up once more; but Axel shook his head.

"I said don't be," he repeated, leaning forward to breathe a light kiss onto Roxas' cheek. "You might not be perfect, but you are perfect _for me_. With all your flaws, with all your strange quirks, with all your insecurities… You are perfect for me. I'm sorry it took me so long to realize that."

_What?_

"I'm not perfect for…" Roxas heard his own voice protest; he was too dazed to think, but a part of him reacted automatically it seemed.

"When you said 'You hate me,' after those guys were gone," Axel interrupted him, running his thumb over Roxas' trembling lips to silence him. Roxas shuddered, blushed slightly as a quiet moan escaped him at the contact. Oh, how much he had craved this… "I realized I could never hate you. How could I, when the only thing you thought about was how you were hurting _me_, when you were clearly hurt yourself, because I was being such a jackass and never saw how sorry you were? What you did was stupid and wrong, and the letters were… painful to read, but nothing will keep me from seeing the gorgeous, shy, innocent little guy who makes me forget about my past by simply smiling at me and saying my name…"

Roxas listened, his eyes growing wider with every word. He couldn't believe his ears. Axel was still talking about Sunshine there! Hadn't he just asked Roxas not to hide behind Sunshine anymore? But…

"That's not me," he whispered distressed. He felt tears start to gather in his eyes yet again, but he blinked a few times to get rid of them, turning his head to avoid Axel's eyes. "Innocent, I'm not inn-"

"But I _am_ talking about you, Roxas," Axel interrupted him yet again. "You're always so insecure, you don't even see how… how utterly… _amazing_ you are, but… I…" He fell silent with a deep sigh, but when Roxas tried to disagree with him once more, he just grabbed Roxas' head and pulled him into another kiss; but where the kisses before had been still cautious and shy, this one was different, so full of passion and love, slow, but demanding and overpowering. Roxas' lips parted in a silent moan, completely lost in the desire he felt in the kiss, and his eyes slid shut when he felt Axel opening his mouth as well, moving ever so slow and pressing against Roxas so deliciously, just _right_; they drank each other's heated breath, tasted the other one as they dared to let their tongues meet one another and curl and slide against each other. All Roxas could do was cling to Axel, his hands clutching Axel's shoulders so tight he _knew_ it had to hurt. Axel didn't seem to mind; no, he even returned the favor and slid his long arms around Roxas' waist, hugging him close to the point of becoming uncomfortable for the blond. Roxas didn't mind. He could bear a little discomfort if it meant he would never have to stop _feeling_ like this.

"_You_ were the guy who didn't hesitate to come after me when his friends were against me," Axel muttered after breaking away, his warm breath fanning over Roxas' flushed skin. Roxas swallowed, licked his lips, relishing the taste and the tingling feeling the kiss had left. "_You_ were the one who kissed me, so… selfish, so desperate. _You_ were the one who defended me after I almost killed you. _You_ fought my memories, _you_ cried for me, _you_ begged me not to trust you when I forced the secret of my sister onto you… _You_, not Sunshine, because Sunshine was too perfect to deal with those things. _You_, Roxas, it was always you. _You_ are the one I never want to let go again. I don't care about losing Sunshine, but I _can't_ lose _you_ again, please, Roxas…" Emerald eyes closed for a second before they focused on Roxas again. "Please, don't take this away from me just because you're too insecure about yourself. If… If you can forgive me for being such a fucking _asshole_ and hurting you so much, please, _please_ don't back down because you think you were to blame for the way I reacted. You weren't. It was _my_ fault. I… I gave you the feeling you weren't good enough, when really Sunshine was way too… too flawless for someone like me. You, with all your flaws, are just… _perfect for me_."

Roxas tried to reply, but there simply were no words. It was all too much, it all happened too fast… Not everything Axel had said made sense to him. He wasn't perfect, far from it! And it wasn't Axel who was to blame for their fight; Roxas was, because he had been so cruel in the past. So how could he forgive Axel, when there was nothing to forgive? Axel's reaction after reading the letters had been just what Roxas had expected; oh, he had _hoped_ Axel would react differently, but he had _known_ this was the only way he could react to the things Roxas had done; the only way he could react to the revelation that Roxas had never been who Axel had believed him to be.

He had thought… _known_ that Axel would hate him, but here he was, sitting on the floor of his bathroom, holding Roxas, whose cold and weakened body had started to shake badly sometime during their conversation. He had _known_ he had lost his beloved redhead forever, but _here he was_, and his warm hands were running up and down Roxas' sides slowly, in a way that made Roxas shiver even worse than the cold water still clinging to his skin did. And his passionate words reverberated inside Roxas' head, and they didn't make sense.

Axel wanted Roxas to forgive him. Axel wanted Roxas back. _Axel didn't hate him._

"Why c-can't you just… hate m-me?" Roxas moaned in a somewhat high-pitched voice and leaned forward, wrapping his arms around Axel's neck as he buried his face in Axel's shoulder. It was almost too much; the scent and the warmth and the feeling and the blissful realization that Axel didn't hate him, that Axel was willing to take him back, to forgive him… Almost too much. It made Roxas want to cry relieved and laugh happily all at once.

"Because you're just too lovable," Axel replied softly. Roxas felt the redhead kiss the top of his head, and for a very surreal feeling moment he thought Axel would say more; something else; something Roxas wanted him to say so desperately, even though he knew Axel was not ready to say the words yet.

_Because I love you._

But of course the words never came. Roxas sighed, hating himself for expecting Axel to say them. He knew the horrible reason why Axel couldn't say them yet. Besides, he should be more grateful, because a few moments ago he had thought this would be impossible; that Axel would ever hold him like this again, that Axel would _forgive_ him. Yes, he should be grateful that he was even able to feel a slender hand running through his wet hair soothingly, and not think this wasn't enough. He felt so warm and happy, and it should have been enough…

It was enough. It _had to be_ enough.

"I love you," Roxas whispered again, desperately trying to keep the bitter disappointment out of his voice. He looked up, raising a trembling hand to trace the outlines of Axel's handsome face; he could see that Axel suspected something, and again he cursed himself for being so greedy. This should be more than enough. This was more than he ever deserved. How could he ever dare to expect more than this? But Axel seemed so serious all of a sudden; his bright eyes, which were suddenly showing so much sadness and remorse, searched Roxas' face, and Roxas had to look away again. "And I'm sorry too," he added in a whisper.

He felt Axel move, and for a moment he thought the redhead would say something. But they both stayed silent, and the silence felt heavy and uncomfortable.

The warmth was gone. Roxas just felt cold. His dripping wet clothes clung to him like a second skin, and his whole body started to shiver again, despite Axel's body heat all around him.

"I'm cold," he muttered, never looking at Axel as he freed himself from the gentle embrace. "I should probably change."

"… Right," Axel agreed hesitantly. He just watched as Roxas slowly rose to his feet and turned to leave the bathroom.

Roxas felt too ashamed to look at his beloved anymore. How could he still be so selfish and expect Axel to say the words, when he had been so close to losing the redhead forever? Why did the words even _matter_? It was just _words_; a stupid cliché, not more. He _knew_ how Axel felt; Axel showed him through his actions. Axel was _here_, wasn't he? He had climbed the damn house just to see him, had even endured Roxas' lunatic breakdown and being called a nightmare, and he had just willingly told Roxas so many things about himself. That surely had been difficult for him; Roxas knew how reluctant to talk about his past the redhead was. But he trusted Roxas so deeply, told him things not even his friends, people he had known for _years_, knew; what more proof that he loved Roxas did he need? Every kiss, every touch, every look was a declaration of love, and yet it didn't seem enough.

He didn't dare to glance at Axel when he left the room, fearing to see the confusion and disappointment which he knew would be shining out of his bright eyes. He needed to clear his head. He needed to…

His tired eyes suddenly fell on a certain door, and every thought about never outspoken vows of love fled his head. Colorful, spidery letters formed a name he should have thought of way sooner…

Why hadn't Sora rushed to his side when he had been screaming earlier? Why had his brother not tried to help him? Why had his twin just listened to his cries of fear and pain?

_Where was Sora_?

"Sora is not here," Axel explained right behind him. Roxas flinched, and his hand cramped around the doorframe; his eyes were still glued to the door to his brother's room down the hallway, and he barely registered how close Axel suddenly was. He hadn't heard the redhead at all.

"He didn't want to leave," Axel continued calmly, and Roxas felt a warm hand touching his cold shoulder.

_Sora left me?_

"I told him to go. I… wanted to talk to you. Without being interrupted."

_Sora… left me alone?_

"He… He really didn't want to leave. He was so worried about you…"

_Sora left me…_

"Roxas? Hey…" The hand on his shoulder tightened its grip, and Roxas barely resisted when he was turned around. He stared ahead without seeing anything, and slowly he raised his arms to fist his hands in his hair, the heels of his hands pressing against his skull and cold fingers tearing at his blond spikes, trying to soothe the dizziness that threatened to take over his vision. His thoughts jumbled together to create nothing but noise, but one of them screamed louder than the others:

_I have hurt Sora, Sora left me…Failure, monster, hurt my brother, hurt my twin my light my life SoraSoraSora…_

"Hey…" Two warm fingers under his chin forced him to look up, and for a moment Roxas couldn't explain why everything was so _blurry_. He blinked, and he felt warm liquid trickle down his cold cheeks.

"I'm sorry," he heard Axel whisper, and two warm hands brushed over his cold skin, wiping the tears away, before they trailed down his neck until they rested on his trembling shoulders again. Roxas barely felt it. He was still trying to process the thought that he had hurt Sora so much he had _left_ him this time. Oh, Sora had left after a fight sometimes; but he had never before left when he had known Roxas was _hurt_.

Slowly he loosened his grip on his hair, and slowly his hands slid down his face, dropping to his sides. He wanted to look down again, but no avail; again a hand beneath his chin prevented him from doing so, and the miserable expression on Axel's handsome face just made Roxas feel worse. Oh, he had hurt Sora, and now Axel was feeling bad because of him as well…

"I'm sorry," Axel repeated, and now Roxas could feel long arms wrap around him, pulling him into a warm embrace. He pressed his face against Axel's shoulder, trying to calm himself; he took in that familiar scent, felt the warmth seeping through his cold clothes… and it just _wasn't quite enough_. It made everything worse, if anything, because now Roxas couldn't stop thinking that this was surely not what Axel had expected when he had broken into the house. It was hardly fair that Roxas was all but breaking down like this now, not after Axel had been so honest and brave and had revealed so much about himself and had confessed his fears to Roxas.

But Sora was gone. _Sora was gone_! Sora had left him, Sora had…

"It's my fault," Axel admitted and sighed, burying his nose in Roxas' wet hair and startling him out of his pointless self-chastisement. "I… wanted to be alone with you. I knew he would never leave your side if he was here. But I needed to talk to you alone, so I… I'm sorry. I shouldn't have made him leave."

"Y-You… _made_ him leave?" Roxas croaked, trying to focus on that little fact; that Sora hadn't left voluntarily, that Axel had forced his brother to stay away somehow, but it was so hard to concentrate…

"He didn't want to, believe me," Axel hurried to answer, and again Roxas heard him sigh. He raised his hands to return Axel's embrace; just weakly, but he did, silently urging the redhead to go on. "He didn't want to leave. He was just so tired… He didn't know what to do anymore, you weren't responding when he tried to talk to you. He was so worried… so scared you would do something stupid…"

"But I did!" Roxas whined into Axel's shirt, squeezing his eyes shut. "He's upset because of me…"

"Don't worry, he'll be fine," Axel said and kissed his forehead. "He seemed alright when I called him last night. When you were asleep. He was happy that you were okay."

Roxas sniffed, still not daring to open his eyes again.

"Do you want to call him?" Axel asked him, his warm hands starting to rub Roxas' back in soothing circles. And when Roxas shook his head with a quiet sob, he added, "Do you want _me_ to call him? Should I tell him that you're alright?"

Roxas wanted to shake his head again, but stopped himself; he really couldn't face Sora already, he was too ashamed to talk to his twin. But… he also wanted Sora to know that he was alright. Sora was probably worried _sick_… Angry, of course, but also worried, because that was just how Sora _was_. Because Sora was the good twin. The compassionate twin. Whereas Roxas…

He nodded slowly, letting go of Axel again. He wiped his eyes and looked down.

"Alright," Axel sighed, and he sounded very relieved. Roxas couldn't help but giggle softly when Axel tousled his hair; it was such a familiar, soothing gesture; somehow it really seemed to ease the gloominess that had threatened to take over his thoughts. "I'll call him. And you should really get out of your clothes. You feel awfully cold."

Roxas nodded again, turning around to go to his room. His hand on the handle, he turned to glance back over his shoulder again; Axel was just flipping his phone open, leaning against the wall next to the bathroom. He looked at Roxas briefly, gracing him with a fleeting smile when he noticed the blond was watching him, and gestured for Roxas to go when he raised the phone to his ear.

"I love you," Roxas blurted out, not quite sure why he had said it. He saw Axel cringe and his smile waver, then fade; he stared at Roxas taken aback, as if he hadn't expected Roxas to say that. So strange; a few moments ago he had all but _begged_ Roxas to tell him he loved him, and now he… seemed almost… _tortured_ by the words. Roxas couldn't think of another word to describe the expression that crossed Axel's face for a moment. It was gone so fast Roxas almost doubted he had seen it at all, but he knew he had seen it alright, if the sharp pain ripping his heart apart was any indication.

Axel seemed so confused, so _ashamed_; he opened his mouth, closed it again, still staring at Roxas, emerald eyes filled with regret, but he quickly looked away when a click announced the person at the other end of the line had picked up the phone.

"Hey, Pretty Boy," he laughed, but his voice sounded shaky and insecure now. "Yeah, it's me… How's Sora?"

Roxas whirled around again, quietly opening the door and stepping into his room, leaning against the door as it clicked shut behind him again. He closed his eyes for a moment, tried to ignore the painful sting to his heart. He still could hear Axel talking, laughing and insulting Riku from time to time.

Why… Why did it just hurt so much? He had known from the beginning that Axel might never say it back. Axel had even warned him, that day when he had climbed Roxas' balcony for the first time; that he might never be able to… get over what had happened to him.

_He might never be able to say it back…_

For some reason, back then Roxas hadn't cared about that at all. Not even when… when he had confessed his love to Axel, when Axel had admitted he couldn't say it back with tears in his beautiful eyes; not even then it had bothered him that much.

But now it did. And he didn't know why. It was unfair to expect Axel to say it. Unfair and immature and selfish. It was so obvious that Axel couldn't say it, didn't even want to hear it; it was obvious that he felt guilty for not being able to say the words, that stupid little phrase, back. And yet… Roxas found himself longing for those words, three little, unimportant words… He longed for them just because he was insecure and scared, as if they would give him some kind of guarantee that Axel wouldn't leave him again. It had been so painful to be left; he knew it would kill him if he was left like this again…

It was so stupid! Axel had suffered just like he had done; Axel wouldn't leave him again, Axel didn't hate him, Axel cared for him just as much as Roxas cared for the redhead, and a simple _'I love you'_ wouldn't change anything. M-… Maybe it was even better this way… What if Axel told him now and…

Roxas forbade himself to think this thought through. It was ridiculous. Axel wouldn't be here if he didn't care for Roxas at least a little bit. And he had no right to demand the redhead to say it back anyway; he had to be grateful Axel was even _here_.

Besides, he was getting really cold in those clothes. It was warm inside his room – way too warm, in his opinion – and yet he barely managed to keep his teeth from clattering.

With a tired sigh he forced his body to drag itself over to his bed, flopping down on it and staying like this for a while; face pressed into the mattress, hands fisting around the sheets, before he pushed himself up to all fours again. He moved until he could sit at the edge, facing the window with his back to the door, slowly bringing his shaking hands up to the zipper of his vest. He stared straight ahead, not seeing anything, trying to ban all depressing thoughts from his head. It didn't work very well.

_His friends probably thought he had gone completely insane…_

He pulled the zipper down and shrugged the thin vest off his shoulders, barely noticing the large tear in its side; oh, right, he had ripped it in his fit of self-hate the day before. What a shame; that had been one of his favorite articles of clothing…

_Sora had left him alone, even though he had known Roxas had been hurt so badly…_

He dropped it to the ground carelessly, pulling his socks off his feet and the checkered wristband from his arm before he grabbed the hem of his shirt with both hands.

_His parents had not called since at least three months…_

He should have heard the door open, even though it was opened very silently; but for some reason he didn't, his brain focusing on the sound of his strained, choppy breathing instead of his surroundings, and by now the cold made it very hard to think about anything else anyway. He pulled the thin t-shirt over his head, yanking at it a bit harsher when his head got stuck. He didn't care if he ripped that stupid t-shirt too.

_Everyone left him alone somehow…_

He simply dropped it when he finally managed to free himself of the bothersome fabric, and he inhaled sharply when his cold, damp skin was bared to the warm air inside his room. He completely missed another sharp intake of breath somewhere behind him.

_And Axel couldn't say it back, a simple 'I love you' would be enough, and to know the redhead wanted to say it, that he felt guilty for refusing Roxas the pleasure to hear the only words he desired to hear, didn't help one bit…_

His trembling hands instantly dropped to his lap, clumsily ripping the button of his jeans open and pulling the zipper of his fly down; he let himself fall back into the mattress, lifting his hips off the bed as he shoved both hands beneath the waistband, trying to push the wet fabric down his legs. It took him a while of struggling and wiggling to peel himself out of his jeans though; the fabric was like _glued_ to his skin in some places.

_He would lose Axel too someday; everybody left him in the end._

With a frustrated groan he finally got rid of his pants too; and just when he wanted to raise his hands to his awfully cold and awfully wet, black boxer briefs he heard a shocked, barely stifled gasp coming… from… the door…?

He froze, still lying on his back, his eyes flying open to stare at the ceiling above him; now that he actually paid attention to his surroundings, the quiet 'Click' of the door closing sounded awfully loud.

He slowly let his hands trail up a bit, then moved his arms to prop himself on his elbows; forcing himself up into a sitting position he tried to calm down his racing heart along with his racing thoughts. It took him a while until he could actually risk a glance back over his shoulder.

Axel was staring at him, eyes wide, light pink dusting his pale cheeks, thin lips parted ever so slightly, while his hand was still clutching the door handle, knuckles turning white. He still held his phone in his other hand, but now slowly moved it to let it slide back into a pocket, never taking his eyes off Roxas.

All of a sudden Roxas felt very self-conscious. That Axel was blatantly staring at him with this weird… _hungry_ expression on his face didn't help at all. He felt so… exposed and small and vulnerable; and scrawny and frail and _ugly_. Why was Axel staring at him like that?

He quickly averted his gaze and looked out of the window again, raising his hands to rub his upper arms, shivering slightly.

"W-What?" he stuttered, hoping Axel had somehow miraculously missed the blush that had spread up to the very tips of his ears. Well. At least his face felt warmer now. "Did you… What did Sora say?"

"He's sleeping," was the whispered answer, and Roxas flinched at the sound of Axel's quiet, slightly trembling voice. "Riku didn't want to wake him yet."

"Oh," Roxas breathed, swallowing nervously and trying to calm his raving thoughts. "D-Did… he say anything? Is Sora alright?"

But he received no answer. He could hear Axel's soft, but somehow troubled breathing; then slow, quiet footsteps; but no word was spoken, not even when Roxas felt the bed behind him dip.

He still jerked violently when thin fingers grazed his cold skin, brushing down his neck, all the way down his back; he closed his eyes, blushing even more at the soft moan that escaped him when the light touch caused a violent shiver to jolt down his spine.

And then a second hand joined the first, and they both glided over Roxas' cool skin, up his sides and forward, over his chest… warm fingers brushed over all too sensitive skin and Roxas almost doubled over with a loud, shocked gasp at the strange, but not unpleasant sensation it caused.

Axel moved his hands lower again, until they rested lightly on Roxas' stomach; and then Roxas could feel the redhead move behind himself, the older boy's slender upper body, thankfully still clothed, unfortunately clad in only a very thin, slightly wet shirt that allowed Roxas to feel every wiry, lithe muscle underneath, pressing up against his back.

"A-Axel…" Roxas whimpered, feeling as if he would choke on a moan that he wasn't yet ready to release.

"Still so cold…" he heard the redhead behind him mutter, and he shivered at the breathy quality of Axel's usually so smooth voice. "Will you ever warm up again, hm?"

_Yes, if you keep doing exactly that, oooooh…_

Roxas inhaled sharply and held his breath when he felt Axel's lips touching his shoulder; the redhead's hands didn't move, but Roxas could feel slender fingers flex a little, as if they were itching to move, to caress, to _touch_…

But Axel just continued to shower his shoulder with gentle kisses, slowly moving up to his neck; his soft lips only paused at a certain point on Roxas' neck, and Roxas was sure the redhead could feel his rapid pulse racing beneath his skin like this. He sighed in pure bliss when Axel's lips parted for a split second, allowing his wet tongue to flit out between his lips to taste Roxas…

"So sweet…" he heard Axel murmur, feeling a feather-light kiss being breathed onto the outer shell of his ear. "So soft…" And now he felt one of the redhead's hands trail up his chest, leaving trails of pure heat in their wake, to touch Roxas' smooth cheek, applying just enough pressure to turn his head to the side a little. "So precious…" Warm lips connected with his cheek, only to make their way down in a maddeningly slow pace, over his jaw, his neck, until sharp, perfect teeth bit down on the junction of his neck and shoulder none too gently. The hand caressing his face trailed further up, slender fingers lacing themselves in Roxas' damp hair. Roxas obediently tilted his head to the side a little and whimpered at the sensations assaulting his senses; he wanted to scream, but his voice seemed gone. "So _perfect_…" was muttered against his skin.

"I… I'm n-…" Roxas stammered when his voice finally returned to him, but the words were lost in a quiet, barely restrained moan when the hand resting on his stomach moved, just a little, enough to turn his insides into molten fire and make his mind drown in pleasure. Long fingers spread to cover as much of his skin as possible, stroking his quivering flesh lightly. Roxas let his head fall back, opened his mouth to beg… lower, just a bit lower, just a little bit…

"I'm so s-sorry, Roxas," he heard his red-headed attacker whisper behind him. What Axel was apologizing for, he could not tell; the redhead fell silent after this, just burying his face in Roxas' hair and inhaling, and Roxas was too dazed by his own desire to give it a thought.

He turned around in Axel's arms, shivering when the redhead pulled back his warm hands; he looked up, saw half-lidded green eyes burning with desire, saw thin lips parting; he raised his hand and rested it on Axel's chest, felt the redhead jerk back from his touch and felt his heart race beneath his skin.

He acted purely on instinct when he suddenly lunged at Axel; he had been denied the overwhelming pleasure of feeling, kissing, tasting the beautiful boy for so long, and he felt so cold, Axel was so warm… His lips found Axel's, hungering for more contact, his hands lacing themselves with lusciously red hair, his body pressing up against Axel's in a fervent attempt to create more friction, to be closer, to feel more of the heat that started to build up inside his body; he had felt so cold before, but every touch, every caress was burning on his skin like fire.

A small voice in the back of his head tried to hold him back; tried to remind him that Axel was too precious to be tainted by him like this, that Axel was too hurt and too confused, that he might scare the redhead, that he might cause a flashback, because he was not any better than Kadaj and his brothers, no, he was worse, so unrestrained, so savage, losing his mind bit by bit the longer he was exposed to Axel's mere presence…

But this small voice was silenced when Axel responded to his kiss; not only did he kiss Roxas back, but also raked both hands through Roxas' damp spikes, only to let them rest on the back of Roxas' neck for a while; then one warm hand moved forward to press against Roxas' heaving chest, and Roxas found himself lying on his back all of a sudden, staring up into bright green eyes, wishing for their owner to stop looking at him like that and kiss him again.

But Axel, though he obviously wanted to grant Roxas his wish, judging the way he was leaning so close and breathing so hard and trembling like crazy, just continued to stare; not once letting his eyes leave Roxas', and Roxas couldn't look away either. He was too captivated by the intensity of feelings shining out of emerald depths; he couldn't have looked away even if he had possessed the will to do so.

"I'm sorry, Roxas," Axel finally whispered, breaking the silence; Roxas flinched at the sudden sound, not knowing why. He usually liked Axel's voice, even when it sounded hoarse and breathless like it was now; he just wasn't sure if he liked the imploring tone beneath the obvious excitement.

"N-No, don't be…" Roxas panted, running his hands through Axel's hair again, brushing his shivering fingers over the older boy's pale face until they rested on flushed, marked cheeks. "Don't… You don't have to…"

"I can't say it back yet, Roxas…" Roxas almost moaned at the sound of his name on the redhead's perfect lips, and he wanted to kiss those lips again, but Axel still held him down, just out of reach. "I-I'm not stupid, I know you need me to say…"

"No, no, _no_," Roxas interrupted him, shaking his head, desperately trying to shut the other boy up. He suddenly felt guilty again, so selfish, so _awful_… He was supposed to make Axel feel better, he was supposed to make Axel feel so _good_, but now Axel was worried, because Roxas had acted so stupid and because Roxas was so greedy and would never be satisfied until he heard the redhead say 'I love you', but it shouldn't matter, Roxas wasn't important, he didn't deserve to hear the words anyway… "I love you, I love you so much, I don't need you to say it back, I just…"

"I know you need to hear it, Roxas, and I _want_ to tell you how much you mean to me, believe me," Axel went on, and he tried to say more, but failed; he stared down at Roxas, obviously searching for a way to explain why he couldn't tell Roxas what he wanted to hear, but it wasn't even necessary.

Of course Roxas knew.

"Don't be scared," Roxas whispered, brushing back strands of red hair in what he hoped was a soothing manner. He shook his head when Axel tried to look away ashamed. "I know you are. You don't have to be. I won't go away, I understand, I know you need time…"

"And I know you're trying to give me more time, I _know_, but…" Axel disagreed, and the longer Roxas looked at him, the more he could see the anxiety growing in darkened green eyes. "That's not… I just…" Axel grimaced, but shook his head when Roxas tried to touch his pale face. "Roxas, I'm not only afraid that you will leave me," he whispered, now staring into Roxas' eyes again. "I'm also afraid of what will happen if you allow me to stay."

Roxas stared at him, rendered speechless for a moment. He blinked in shock when suddenly something wet dropped onto his cheek; Axel tried to pull back, wiped his face with his sleeve, but Roxas quickly grabbed the redhead's shoulders and yanked him back as hard as he could. With a surprised gasp Axel landed right on top of Roxas, and Roxas took advantage of Axel's surprise and laid his arms around Axel's shoulders, holding him close. He felt Axel's shallow, panicked breaths against his neck, but didn't let go, not even when he felt the redhead try to push himself onto all fours again.

"You don't have to be scared," he repeated, and he could feel tears sting behind his eyes when he heard a soft whimper falling from Axel's mouth. "Don't be scared. Please, don't be scared of me…"

"I need you, so much, _so much_…" Axel whispered hoarsely, somewhat choked. "But I… I'll _hurt_ you. I don't want to hurt you… I never wanted…"

"I know…" Roxas assured him, but Axel didn't seem to listen.

"It hurts you that I c-can't say it, it _hurts_ you," the redhead all but sobbed against Roxas' neck, hitting the pillow next to Roxas' head with his balled fist. "Y-You tell me that you l-love… me, and you need me to say it back, I can see it, I _know_… And I just c-can't s-say it, because I'm such a coward, I… I shouldn't touch you, because it hurts you, but I _have to_ touch you, because I need you… _so much_…"

"No, Axel," Roxas tried to calm the distressed redhead down; he kissed a tear-stained cheek lovingly, and repeated the action when he felt Axel flinch at the gentle touch. "Don't worry about me. I'll be fine, I can wait, I'll give you all the time you need…" Oh, but it was a lie. He couldn't wait, he needed this too much, he would never be fine again as long as Axel was afraid of him. He needed to be assured that he was not a monster, that he was worthy to be with Axel, and he needed the redhead _so goddamn much_.

This time he allowed Axel to rise from the bed at least a little, just enough so they could look into each other's eyes again.

"Roxas…" Axel finally breathed, nervously moistening his lips. Instantly Roxas was reminded of their close proximity, and of the still so overwhelming desire burning in his veins. Oh, it would be so painful to hold back this time, but Axel wasn't ready, it was too early, oh, but it had felt so right…

Without thinking Roxas reached up to pull down Axel's head with both hands, giving in, but only a little, only to satisfy his insatiable lust for his gorgeous lover at least a little bit, so it would not make him lose his mind… Their mouths molded together so perfectly, and it still felt so right, so _good_…

All too soon Axel broke the kiss, but didn't pull away this time; his lips still hovered so dangerously close to Roxas', all he had to do was moving upwards, just a little, _so close_…

For a while there was no sound but their heavy panting, no movement but the heaving of their chests, and the closeness was threatening to drive Roxas insane.

"I can't say it, Roxas," Axel finally whispered, and Roxas' objection was prohibited even before Roxas knew how to voice it; a hand, so warm and gentle, suddenly started caressing his thigh, and Roxas closed his eyes in bliss, lips parting to let out the softest of sighs. "But… I want to show you."

Roxas' mind was too occupied by Axel's warm hand to understand what the redhead was trying to say; opening his eyes he could see how serious Axel had become, and he tried to protest.

"Let me show you how much you mean to me, Roxas," Axel pleaded in a husky whisper. "_Please_!"

Roxas tried to answer, he really did, but now Axel was leaning down to kiss a path down his neck, and his hand, oh God, his hand was ghosting over his skin, so deliciously close to Roxas' most sensitive area; long fingers played with the waistband of his underwear, and if Roxas had been able to remember _how_, he would have cursed the redhead for teasing him like that…

"Will you allow me to… to touch you, Roxas?" Axel asked, strangely timid; Roxas wanted to yell and cry and swear all at once, until it hit him; he knew why Axel was being so formal, so shy… Why he was asking for _permission_. He needed Roxas to consent to what they were about to do, because he had never been allowed to refuse this way of touching; Axel had never had the chance to say no, so he needed to give Roxas this chance. He was probably deadly afraid of doing something wrong, of hurting Roxas…

"Yes," Roxas answered, again capturing Axel's lips in a sweet kiss, and between kisses he added, "I want you to… show me… Axel… I love you… so much… I trust you…"

"Are you _sure_?" The tone in Axel's voice was begging, almost desperate by now, and this time Roxas allowed his mouth to stay in contact with Axel's longer than before, trying to show the redhead this way that yes, he was sure, and yes, he trusted Axel with all of his heart.

"I'm sure," he added, running a thumb over Axel's warm lips and loving the shuddering breath that was sucked in at the tender gesture. "I trust you. I know you won't hurt me."

"How can you be so sure about that when I'm not?" Axel laughed shakily; Roxas didn't know how to answer the question, so he just smiled and pulled Axel down again.

This time Axel didn't resist the slightest; bracing himself on both forearms against the mattress so as not to rest his whole weight on Roxas he allowed Roxas to kiss him again, and Roxas had to smile against Axel's lips when both boys sighed softly at the same time.

Growing bolder he allowed his hands to travel down Axel's back, feeling the older boy tense up at his touch; he desperately wished that Axel would just let go and relax, because he doubted Axel could enjoy any of this if he was so nervous.

So he leaned up just enough so he could whisper into Axel's ear, and breathed softly, "Just relax, Axel."

"You say that as if you didn't know what you're _doing_ to me," Axel muttered breathlessly, and had it not been such a goddamned turn-on, Roxas would have laughed at Axel's unusually shy behavior.

Instead he kissed Axel's forehead and intertwined his fingers at the back of Axel's neck to pull him into another sweet, gentle kiss.

It was only now he felt Axel relax at least a little bit, and he sighed contentedly, only to suck in a sharp breath when Axel all but collapsed on top of him, their bodies merging just like they were made for each other and fitting together perfectly in all the right places.

And now Axel was finally, finally kissing him again just like Roxas wanted. It was hot, it was passionate, it was pure _torture_, but it was feeling so damn _nice_ to press his lips against Axel's and rake his hands through bright red spikes and arch his back, to feel every inch of the warm body covering his…

… Damn Axel's clothes for keeping them from real skin-on-skin contact.

Roxas knew he couldn't just go and start to rip Axel's clothes off. The redhead was trying so hard, but he was most likely still highly uncomfortable with the whole situation. The way he winced every time Roxas tried to move his hands gave him away, or the way he couldn't stop watching Roxas, even when they were kissing. Roxas could see the wariness in every look, he could feel the caution in every movement, every touch, and the rational part of his mind tried to remind him that there was no way he could make Axel feel at ease when they were making out. It was a miracle Axel was even here, and it was even more of a miracle he was willing to do anything that had to remind him so much of his tormentors.

But really, it was so hard to keep his hands off his gorgeous boyfriend. He had to force himself to raise his arms over his head and bury his hands in the pillow, otherwise he would surely have tried to feel _more_ of Axel…

He felt Axel smirk against his lips. Before Roxas could decipher its meaning however, Axel deepened the kiss, and Roxas was all too eager to give in, opening his mouth and submitting completely to the older boy. A protesting whine escaped him when Axel suddenly pulled away again; he opened his eyes, not even recalling closing them before, and opened his mouth to protest at the loss of warmth and contact, but forgot how to speak when suddenly dark cloth was flung to the side. His eyes were immediately glued to the partly exposed body in front of him, hungrily flitting over the tattoo covering quite a fair amount of pale skin before he felt his face heat up. He felt a bit ashamed for staring, but couldn't rip his eyes away, not when Axel was so alluring, so enticing, so goddamned seductive, and he couldn't help but let his hands follow his wandering eyes, running over shoulders and arms, feeling so smooth and so strong; then tracing red and black tinged skin, until he reached the roman numeral at the center of those artificial flames, tracing the letters with one finger; Axel let him do as he pleased, even though Roxas could see and feel how uneasy he was. He noticed how the redhead pressed his lips together, and how he frowned and closed his eyes and sighed, how his breathing hitched when Roxas' searching fingers brushed over a sensitive spot; but he held still, only grimacing and jerking back slightly when Roxas' hands touched…

"What's that?" Roxas gasped when he noticed two bruises marring Axel's otherwise so perfect skin, both partly hidden by red and black flames. How come he overlooked them before? "What happened? How did that…"

"Just a little run-in with Riku," Axel explained, lopsidedly grinning down at Roxas.

"Because of me," Roxas whispered, still staring at the nasty, dark marks, feeling completely helpless and guilty. "Right?"

"Nah," Axel denied lightly, shaking his head. Then he pursed his lips thoughtfully and shrugged. "I was being a bit of a jackass. My friends were worried, and I wouldn't tell them what happened, and Riku didn't take that too well…"

"I'm so sor-…"

"What for? That I'm a stubborn idiot or that Riku is a hothead? I tell you, don't be sorry for things you weren't responsible for." Axel sighed, and Roxas suspected that the older boy was growing tired of his endless apologies. Not that Roxas could blame him for that. He was just so sorry, for all the pain and confusion he had caused, and he felt so guilty, and…

"_Ah_…" Roxas' eyes widened in surprise when Axel suddenly decided to continue where they had left off; but this time there was considerably less fabric separating them, and Roxas almost fainted at the feeling of Axel's warm skin sliding against his own and nimble fingers stroking his sides and chest and stomach and wet lips sucking at the tender flesh on his neck.

Roxas felt hot blood rush to his face, but even more so to a certain other part of his body, and his reaction to Axel's caresses made him blush even harder. Axel didn't seem to mind; no, he even slid one of his hands between Roxas' back and the bed to lift Roxas' body a little, and Roxas instinctively wrapped his legs around Axel's hips, relishing the surprised and lustful moan that was only muffled by his own flesh, sending pleasant vibrations through his whole body. Roxas allowed himself to respond with a fervent, throaty cry, arching his back to increase the friction between them; the increased pressure on his groin did bring brief relief, but also ached in the most delicious way imaginable.

And it made him very aware of Axel's equally aroused state, if the breathless moaning of his name and the violent shudder that ran though the slender body on top of his and the needy, and somewhat helpless clenching of a hand in his hair were any indication. He could tell Axel was trying to hold back, to take things slow, for him, so as not to scare him, but _damn_, he wanted to hear that sound again, that beautiful sound that was _his name_, outspoken with so much need and lust and passion; nothing could have scared him now, nothing could have been too fast, oh no, not now when he was so intoxicated, so high on the pure and blissful pleasure only one man could rouse inside of him.

So he closed his eyes and parted his lips to reply with a moan of his own – his lover's name, which felt so _right_ on his lips, in a tone that reflected his need for Axel to touch him and love him, to show him what he was not able to say out loud. _Love me, Axel,_ he begged without words, and he was rewarded with a bruising kiss, with slightly trembling hands exploring all of his body; caressing, fondling, rubbing and groping his sensitive flesh, even going as far as grabbing hold of the last piece of clothing that was still covering Roxas' skin and pulling it down.

For a brief moment Roxas was too shocked to deter Axel from doing this; too stunned to keep the redhead from completely undressing him, but all protests were forgotten when Axel started to leave hot, open-mouthed kisses on his chest, moving down and leaving a trail of fire lingering on Roxas' skin. Roxas could barely feel the slightly wet and slightly cold fabric being slid off his legs, nor could he feel self-conscious about being exposed completely to the redhead's hungry eyes; how could he, when Axel was looking at him like this, so adoringly, when he was touching Roxas like this, as if he was the most precious being in the world…

"So perfect…" he heard Axel whisper, and for once Roxas didn't even want to disagree; because right now this _was_ perfect, Axel and him being together like this, so right…

Roxas whined in protest when Axel pulled back, because the air suddenly felt so cold on his flushed skin, and he needed back the _heat_; and there was this look in Axel's eyes again, that look that was stunned and coy and longing all at once, but the longer Axel's eyes roamed his exposed body, the more vulnerable and timid Roxas started to feel. What if Axel didn't like what he saw? What if he was disgusted by Roxas' now obvious arousal, what if…

"Stop worrying, Roxas," Axel gently interrupted his thoughts, and then all 'What if's were just gone, because Axel was kissing him again, and Axel was _touching_ him, and it felt… _so_… _good_…

"You're so _perfect_ like this," Axel sighed, but Roxas barely heard him, solely concentrating on long, warm fingers curling around his member and… and _moving_… so slowly, oh God, how good that felt, and Roxas couldn't help but cry out, bucking up into the touch and squeezing his eyes shut as tears started to gather at their corners.

Axel didn't notice them at first, and he continued to lightly nip and suck at Roxas' neck and move his hand until Roxas had to let out a sob, because it felt so wonderful, because it was making him feel so hot and tense, but in such a good way… because it made him go insane, and Roxas quickly reached up to tangle both hands in Axel's hair and keep him down, because he knew Axel would look up and see the tears and freak out, because he wouldn't understand that Roxas wasn't crying, that the tears were there because it felt so, so good...

"Rox-…" Axel breathed against his skin, and Roxas swallowed hard, because he wasn't sure if he could talk when he was feeling so _hot_. But he couldn't calm down, how could he when all he felt was Axel's body heat, his warm, soft skin, sleek muscles moving under that skin and long fingers gliding up and down Roxas' length, and… _Hah_…

"Axel," he whispered softly, cautiously pulling at red strands as a warning when Axel tried to look up. He bit his lip to stifle a needy whine when Axel let go of him, and he blushed heavily as his body reacted instinctively and his hips jerked up, grinding his hardened length against the rough fabric of Axel's pants. Axel hissed, and Roxas groaned when he felt the hardness concealed by the coarse material. "I… I want you to know," Roxas panted, his voice barely audible, "that I want this… I want you… I… I need you, and… you're not hurting me. _I love you. _Okay?"

"Roxas, what…" Axel replied, and now Roxas allowed him to look up; he smiled and ignored how green eyes widened in shock and how sickly white Axel's pale face became as the redhead took in the oh so insignificant tears. "What… did I… hurt…?"

"No," Roxas replied and shook his head slowly, and then, acting without thinking about it, he took Axel's hand, which had been hovering over his face, and made the redhead touch him, fingertips just grazing his skin at the corner of his eyes, feeling the wetness. And he didn't know why, but when he felt Axel flinch at the contact he quickly turned his head and caught two of Axel's wet fingers between his lips.

He tasted his own, salty tears, mixed with a more subtle flavor that was without a doubt purely Axel; he watched green eyes widening even more, and he couldn't help but moan around the slender digits inside his mouth; he wished he wouldn't be so turned on by the surprised look crossing Axel's features, or by the way his moist lips parted ever so slightly, or by the way the redhead's breathing quickened noticeably.

He let Axel's fingers slip from his mouth with a wet sound, licking his own lips and winding his arms around Axel's neck.

"I love you," he muttered again, and he knew there was no turning back now; he was too far gone, way too lost in his own desire to let Axel go again. He was selfish, he was egoistic, but he couldn't let Axel go, not when it felt so good to feel Axel's half-naked body pressed against his own, and to let his hands explore every smooth muscle, every curve and angle, every little detail of his lover's lithe, strong body.

It was too fast, too early, and it was so wrong and Axel _couldn't_ be ready for this, not after all he had been through, but Roxas couldn't help but move his hands between their bodies, feeling heated skin and soft hair and fumbling with Axel's _very_ bothersome belt and pants with clumsy fingers. He all but moaned at feeling the hardness underneath the fabric, and Axel _did_ moan, and loudly at that, and Roxas couldn't get enough of all the delicious sounds the redhead made, so he gave up on the way too complicated buckle for a moment to palm the bulge that made _very_ apparent just how much Axel wanted this. Wanted _Roxas_.

"Roxas… no, don't…" Axel panted, but his body betrayed him, slim hips jerking and grinding against Roxas' busy hands. "_Hah-_… Wait… You don't… h-have to…"

"I _want_ to," Roxas interrupted him, maybe a bit too harsh, but right now he couldn't bring himself to care about something as trivial as his own inept brusqueness or Axel's sadly justified doubts. Because, really, how could Axel still be uneasy when it all felt so _right_?

"Rox-… _Ah_… Just… Just let me…" Axel broke off with a sharp gasp, and Roxas watched entranced as his amazing eyes slid shut and his lips parted in a soundless moan. The sight was so unbelievably erotic Roxas had to see what he had done to cause such a reaction, and when he looked down he realized he had somehow managed to undo Axel's belt and unbutton his pants, and his hand had found what he had felt waiting beneath before.

He blushed heavily, and he had to admit he was nervous. He had never done anything like this before; he had never touched another boy like this, and it was… strange, but _so_ exciting. He had no idea what he was supposed to do, so he just let his hand slide along Axel's hardened length, slowly and ever so light, eliciting another choked gasp from the older boy.

But Axel seemed so uneasy; he kept his eyes shut, bit his lip, buried his face in the pillow next to Roxas' head, and Roxas immediately let go of him; Axel jerked, and his body tensed beneath Roxas' hands when he slid his arms around his waist, and for a moment Roxas wanted to continue where he had left off so _badly_. But he couldn't; not when Axel so obviously deemed it bad. Not that Roxas could blame him. The last person who had touched Axel like this had, without a doubt, been the same who had done some pretty fucked up things to him…

"I'm sorry," Roxas whispered, and every word felt so wrong, like white-hot needles piercing his heart. No, he wasn't sorry, he wanted to touch Axel again, wanted to see the _reaction _to touching him _there_. He felt the redhead move, and his hands twitched at feeling sleek muscles moving under smooth skin. "I'm sorry, so sorry, I didn't mean to scare you…"

Axel was just _watching_ him, with a look so _intense_, it was almost frightening. Roxas couldn't decipher his unreadable expression, he only knew he wanted _more_. Axel was so breathtaking like this, scarlet hair falling over his shoulders, pale skin flushed a lovely, light red; green eyes focused on Roxas, and only him, yet hazy with desire and something else… an emotion Roxas strongly suspected to be anxiety. It had to be anxiety. What else could it be? If only he could drive that fear away, then this would be perfect.

"I wasn't scared," Axel replied slowly, and Roxas had to stare at him, and not only because his voice had just sounded so damn sexy, so dark and breathy and full of pure want. "Just nervous. And surprised."

He _wasn't_ scared? Roxas couldn't believe that at first, and so he continued to stare at Axel, quite dumbfounded. _Nervous_? What did Axel have to be nervous about? But as soon as he had managed to wrap his mind around the thought that Axel was… okay with what Roxas had been doing, his eyes were inevitably drawn to Axel's mouth, thin lips quickly forming a sly smirk that made Roxas feel so goddamn hot and bothered, and made thinking so damn near impossible.

"I love you. _So much_." The words spilled from Roxas' mouth, and there was no way he could have stopped them. And then he reached up and pulled Axel closer, placing desperate, needy kisses on every inch of ivory skin his mouth could reach, and he wanted to say so much more; he wanted to explain that he needed Axel to trust him, that he wouldn't hurt him, that… He didn't know, and words just didn't make sense anymore.

"I know…" Axel replied with a sigh, and while it wasn't what Roxas had wanted to hear, the loving tone of his voice surely made up for it. Roxas felt a gentle hand nudging his chin, and before he had time to think, he found his lips locked with Axel's once more. A warm, wet, so familiar tasting tongue easily slipped between his lips and into his mouth, and Roxas couldn't help but groan at the sensation.

He barely noticed the hand slipping between their bodies at first, but, as amazing as Axel was at kissing, it wasn't quite enough to distract Roxas from the feeling of long fingers wrapping around his member again. Roxas broke the kiss with a lewd cry, throwing his head back; he wasn't even sure if he had just cried out Axel's name or not, but it didn't matter, nothing mattered as long as Axel was stroking him there, nothing mattered but the heat that started to build up inside his body.

He felt so helpless against the plethora of sensations assaulting his senses at once; his body was not obeying him anymore, and neither was his voice. Breathless gasps and throaty moans continued to spill from his lips, and his hands clutched at Axel's shoulders, his arms, gripped fistfuls of red hair. His whole body was tense, his hips rocking into Axel's warm hand, following the rhythm the redhead set for him, and all too soon Roxas felt an all too familiar feeling coiling inside his stomach; like liquid fire, like pure heat, and he dreaded and welcomed that feeling at the same time.

Everything felt so clear, so sharp; Roxas barely registered his surroundings, because nothing was important but Axel and him, but every touching of hot, wet lips against his flesh, every wisp of long hair caressing his face and neck and shoulders, every brushing of breath over his heated skin was electrifying his nerves, fuelling his need until he thought he couldn't take it anymore.

Opening his eyes he was instantly trapped in that same, intense stare as before; Axel was watching his every move, and even though he seemed a bit dazed to Roxas, the blond was sure Axel did not miss even the slightest movement or the quietest sound Roxas made.

Without thinking Roxas let his hands slide lower, beneath the fabric still covering Axel's body, seemingly startling Axel out of his daze. The redhead blinked lazily, then hissed sharply when Roxas' hands squeezed his firm butt.

"Take them off," Roxas heard himself plead, and he didn't have to say anything else. Quickly resting back on his knees and straightening up a bit Axel shoved his pants down along with his underwear, wiggling out of them and tossing them aside carelessly. His eyes, now darkened by unadulterated lust, never left Roxas', and his expression was serious, and not the least scared or nervous anymore.

Feeling his heartbeat speed up Roxas watched his lover undress, unable to keep his eyes off his nude form. He had imagined how it would be, having Axel's lean body completely exposed in front of him, but this… was even better than he had ever dared to imagine.

Axel's light ivory complexion was only accentuated by the color tattooed to his skin, but not one freckle or any other blemish tainted his skin otherwise. Again Roxas followed the trail of painted fire down Axel's body; perfectly realistic flames hugging well-toned muscle, curling around the four letters right above a slightly protruding hipbone, and lower, forming complex patterns on a lean thigh, where quite a few tendrils of the faked flame reached a bony knee. The colors did even almost match the trail of curly hair leading from the navel downwards, and, feeling a bit amused, Roxas found a statement Axel had made weeks ago to be true: The 'carpet' did indeed match the 'drapes'. Of course he hadn't doubted it, but still, actually _seeing_ it was… well, arousing did not quite suffice to describe it. And there, between Axel's long, slender legs, was the proof of his desire for Roxas, for _Roxas_, fully erect and just begging to be touched…

But something was off; as soon as Axel noticed Roxas staring, he drew back a little, and to Roxas utmost delight he noticed a very slight blush rising to his lover's face.

"W-What?" the redhead asked nervously, uselessly trying to hide his arousal from Roxas' greedy eyes. Roxas couldn't help but smile; Axel had been the one to initiate their little tête-à-tête after all, and now he decided to act all shy and self-conscious? Wasn't it a bit late for that?

"Nothing," he replied breathlessly, unconsciously running a hand down his own chest and licking his so dry feeling lips. "You're just the incarnation of my wildest dreams."

Axel seemed to almost choke on another, slightly higher-pitched "_What_?", but his wide eyes were glued to Roxas' wandering hand, and the bewildered expression on his face quickly gave way to one of hunger and want. Roxas had never seen anything more enchanting than the ravenous and downright lascivious expression he was graced with.

His whole body was throbbing with raw lust, set aflame by the coveting look in his lover's eyes, and without thinking Roxas gave in to the overpowering need to release at least some of the tension building up inside his body. He let his finger brush over his twitching erection, up and down and up again, before he fisted it and squeezed, ever so slight and yet enough to draw a choked, drawn-out moan from his own mouth.

His eyes were about to slide shut when he noticed Axel had moved; the redhead was on his hands and knees, and he slowly crawled closer again, one of his warm hands gliding over the inside of Roxas' quivering thigh and then pressing against his knee. Roxas instinctively spread his legs wider, moaning at the blissful feeling of being touched, just being _touched_… He spread his legs, moved the hand on his member up and down so slowly, and he moaned again, feeling the warm hand on his knee wandering up, gently massaging his flesh as it went.

Axel paused for a moment to kiss Roxas' thigh, right above his knee, and Roxas couldn't help but flinch, his breath hitching in his throat at the feeling of wet lips touching and sharp teeth scraping and a wet tongue licking his skin… and then, all of a sudden, Axel was bridging over him, still watching Roxas so intently, and just when Roxas thought he couldn't take it anymore, Axel leaned down and kissed him, and at the same time he could feel the warm hand closing around his own.

The added pressure, as light as it was, and the mere thought that Axel was touching him almost made Roxas come on the spot. He wanted to moan Axel's name so badly, but his lips were still sealed by Axel's in a slow, sensual kiss. So he just reached up with his free hand, blindly groping for soft hair and pulling harshly, greedily swallowing every soft, pleasured sound Axel made. He broke their kiss for a second, heaving a shuddering breath when he felt their joined hands move on him, but almost instantly Axel's hot mouth covered his again. The redhead's breathing was just as harsh and choppy as Roxas' own.

And then Roxas felt Axel's warm hand peel away his own fingers from his member, and he desperately tried to resist; but then there was _more_ pressure, _more_ friction, and Roxas all but sobbed into Axel's mouth when he realized that the redhead had ground his crotch against Roxas', and he could feel Axel's hard, throbbing erection pressing against his, and – Oh _God!_ – _he had never felt anything this arousing before_.

He almost lost control over his body, his mind and heart and soul drowning in pure bliss, and lost in an erotic daze he let Axel guide him, wrapping both his and Axel's longer fingers around their joined members and stroking, slowly at first, but speeding up gradually. Roxas felt the pulsing heat in his hand and the sweaty palm pressing against the back of his hand, and he felt the steady rocking of Axel's hips against his; he felt velvety skin rub and slide against his own, he felt Axel's abs clench almost violently when he let the very tips of his fingers graze the smooth skin there, and he felt Axel's hectic breath on his moist lips, as they were too busy panting for much-needed air to kiss anymore. He wrapped his quaking legs around Axel's thin waist, acting purely on instinct, forcing their bodies into a different angle to grind against, and it was even better, _so much better_, so much pressure, so much _friction_, too good, too fast, too hot, too _much_…

And then he felt Axel grabbing his free hand and pressing it against the pillow right above Roxas' head, lacing their fingers together and squeezing it tight; and he felt the redhead press burning, desperate kisses to Roxas' skin, licking and sucking and nipping and biting, and he heard Axel's voice, right next to his ear, wet lips brushing against the outer shell…

"Roxas… _Roxas_…" Just a quiet whisper, accompanied by the most exquisite little gasps and pants and pleasured moans, caressing Roxas' skin as well as his soul.

With a breathless cry Roxas surrendered to the pleasure completely; he thrust his hips against Axel's one last time as he came all over his stomach, and his hand was jerking quickly between their rocking bodies, spreading some of the slick, white substance over himself and his lover. Gasping and sobbing and panting for air he tried to loosen the tight grip around his member, but found himself unable to; Axel's hand on his forced him to keep up the fast pace of his jerking, and just when the pressure and the fast stroking started to become uncomfortable for Roxas, he felt Axel's member twitch and heard his lover moan, and he felt even more slick liquid coat his hand and splatter his stomach.

They stayed like this for a moment, their bodies tense and trembling; Axel's face was pressed against Roxas' neck, Roxas' legs were still wrapped around Axel's waist, and their intertwined hands resting on the pillow above Roxas' head were clutching each other tightly.

Finally Axel's other hand slipped away from Roxas', and Roxas slowly released their softening members, feeling utterly spent and weak. All of a sudden all tension left his body, and he sighed, closing his eyes. And it seemed like Axel was in the same, drained state as he was; the redhead slumped with a small groan and relaxed, resting all of his weight on Roxas. Roxas didn't mind. It wasn't like Axel was heavy anyway, and it felt… nice to feel so much skin on skin. Really, _really_ nice.

"…'msorry," he heard Axel mumble against his neck after a while of quiet breathing and soft sighing.

"Hm?" He couldn't even form a coherent reply. He felt just too weak to actually open his mouth, and too tired to worry anymore.

"Hope 'mnot too heavy," Axel clarified, and Roxas had to chuckle weakly at how slurred the redhead's voice sounded. "Just kinda can't move right now…"

"… okay," Roxas sighed. He turned his head to his side a little, slowly rubbing his cheek against Axel's, and he could feel the redhead smile.

"So cute…" Axel whispered, and Roxas felt a smile of his own spread all over his face.

"So hot…" he replied and hummed contentedly, and he raised a heavy hand to draw lazy circles onto Axel's back.

"So _tempting_," Axel muttered, bracing himself on his lower arms and raising his head a little, green eyes shining and thin lips curled upwards into a tender, perfect smile.

"So _gorgeous_," Roxas breathed, completely enchanted by Axel's happy, gentle expression; and like always Axel winced at the compliment, but this time it didn't take him as long as usual to replace the look of uncertainty on his face with another beaming smile.

"So _beautiful_," the redhead replied, and now it was Roxas' turn to stop smiling.

"Why do you say that?" he asked quietly.

"Because it's true." Still smiling.

"But you… don't _like_ that word," Roxas protested feebly. He didn't dare to clarify his statement. He didn't want to explain that he was thinking of Kadaj's misuse of that word and Axel's resulting fear of it right now…

"I'm starting to like it," Axel said calmly, and he placed a sweet kiss on Roxas' temple before he continued, "Because it's the only word that describes your smile at least halfway accurately." And, nudging Roxas' ear with his nose, he added, "You give the word a whole new meaning."

"Oh," Roxas said stupidly, inwardly kicking himself. "Okay."

"Okay," Axel repeated and laughed quietly when Roxas suddenly couldn't hold back a yawn. "Sleepy?"

"Didn't sleep too well…" Roxas mumbled and rubbed his eyes.

"Yeah, me neither," Axel admitted, slowly disentangling his limbs from Roxas' and rolling over, laying on his side and sliding an arm around Roxas' waist to pull him close. "I guess we could rest for a bit now…"

Roxas didn't even hear him anymore. He was lulled to sleep by the dear scent of cinnamon and caramel and the warmth surrounding him, and for the first time in weeks, no whispering voices or shadows disturbed his peaceful slumber.

* * *

**Author's Notes: **::frowns:: I probably won't ever be able to read that myself again. It's the fucking _ninth _attempt on this chapter (I started, then deleted the whole thing, tried another kind of beginnging, deleted it again, made them make up right away and deleted it, nearly smashed my laptop out of frustration, and so on...), and I am so _not _happy with it. Like, at all. It's full of _talking_. And _angst_. It's just not worth waiting for more than a year.

::sighs:: ::laughs:: No, you don't need to cheer me up or anything. I just feel a bit embarrassed for posting porn-ish stuff for the first time, because there's just so many better M-rated stories out there. _(Commercial break: You want more sexy stuff? Really good sexy stuff? Read **kurosora1984's **stories!)_

Ah well. Hope you liked. ::shuffles off to study::


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